Part V- Call It Like We See It
We just call it like we see it. Call it out as loud as we can. And then afterwards we call it all water over the damn. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"
I can't remember a time when I've sat at this desk and had absolutely nothing to do. I've packed everything, rearranged the box I've packed it all into so that my stuff fits efficiently, and searched through other desks and drawers that I've used over the past eight years to make sure that I haven't left anything behind. This is just sad.
I really cannot WAIT until Josh transfers Sam to me. I'm staring at his door again, Josh's that is, like it's the most interesting thing I've ever seen. I closed it when he started yelling. Not the bad yelling but the good fun loving Josh 'happy to be talking to his best friend' yelling. I can almost tolerate him when he's like this. Almost... and only because I know first hand just how much he misses Sam.
Against my better judgment and to fight boredom, I log on to my computer one last time. I know I don't have any e-mail and looking at my White House account is just going to make me depressed but that doesn't stop me. I wait for the right programs to boot up and laugh. The other day I went ahead and started myself a yahoo account, DonnaM7yahoo.com... I wasn't feeling too creative at the time. Other than your general daily spam, I have yet to receive anything worthwhile. The password to this account, like all others is redlights – one word, no spaces... I'm predictable like that.
As expected no mail at the White House account and unless you count the "Fifty One Ways to Enlarge Your Penis" message I received from Y#$Ldh&!$YHo&Mhot4u.com, on my yahoo name, logging onto the computer was pretty much pointless and I haven't even wasted five minutes. I quickly log out, shutting the machine down completely and sigh just in time to hear Josh bellow for me. I open his door and smile.
"Yes Master," I joke, bowing my head.
"Sam's on three," he says rolling his eyes as he smirks.
"Thanks," I reply and turn to leave.
"Come back when you're done!" he calls out sweetly just as I close the door. I smile to myself because he doesn't need to tell me twice.
"Hello gorgeous," I say in my best impression of a sexy temptress. I am greeted with Sam's laughter on the other end.
"Donna," he begins and I bet he's smiling too. "It's been too long," he adds with a sigh. "I miss that voice," he chuckles. "I wish I could be with you guys today."
I bite my bottom lip because I fear tears. I wish he were here too.
"Josh tells me you're lovely as always," he adds for good measure, and to break the tension that has seemed to grow out of the sadness. I'm smiling again. I wish he could see me.
"Josh likes to embellish."
He laughs at my comment.
"He tell you what we talked about?" Sam asks sweetly.
"Hardly," I reply with a laugh. "More like Sam's on three, shut the door," and maybe I like to embellish too.
Sam continues to laugh right along with me.
"He says he's gathered he finally found himself a clue," Sam provides quickly.
And suddenly I'm glad that Sam can't seem me because I'm blushing.
"Something like that," I reply with little effort.
"Hawaii?" he asks and I'm sure his bright blue eyes are shining.
"Wouldn't you say it's about time?" I offer and Sam's laughing again.
"I told him that he's just begun to realize what we've all know for years," he pauses. "Maybe even you too Donna... know what he told me?"
"He's known all along." I say softly, because I already know the answer.
"How did you know?"
Because I've known too...
"Because I've known too," way to go truth. Sometime I wish that my mind and my mouth would work together and form some filters.
Sam's silent for a moment.
"Donna have you been holding out on me?" he asks quietly and he's so sincere that I start to miss him and his steadfast sincerity even more than before. Maybe, after Hawaii, I'LL take a little impromptu trip to California.
"Maybe..." I reply with a short laugh.
"Do you love him?" Sam asks. Way to get to the point there Samuel.
"Sam..." I begin, trying to avoid this. Its not like he doesn't already know the answer but I feel like if I'm going to be making any kind of solid confession it should be to Josh and those aren't words that we've ever used yet, at least not out loud.
"'Cause he loves you," Sam continues. "I mean you know that," he laughs or more, chuckles. "I'm sure you know that... you've probably always known that..." he sighs. "Anyway, he told me about Harvard. He's so proud of you," I can tell he's smiling again. I smile too. "I'm proud of you too," he adds and then there's a long pause. I have no idea what to say so I wait for Sam to speak up. "And I know... we both know, that you're going to make the decision that's right for you," he finishes.
"I know," and I'm confident in my reply. "It's just..." I pause, afraid of my own voice. "I do... love him," I add. "It's just more complicated than that.
"Donna..." and there's that sincerity again along with some incredible patience. I guess if you had to put up with the drama that is Josh and I for as long as Sam has, you'd have to have a LOT of patience. "I have immense faith in you," is all he says.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Sam?
"Thank you," I whisper because if I talk any louder, I might cry. Damn this day for already being so emotional.
"He loves you too," Sam repeats. "Remember that."
I smile even though tears are spilling down my cheeks. When I don't say anything for a long moment, I think Sam becomes concerned.
"Donna..." he is definitely worried.
"Yeah?" I reply, my voice cracking as I speak.
"You alright?"
"Yes," I laugh. "No," I laugh some more. "I don't know..." then there's the smirk. "Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I call you back later?"
"Sure."
"Kay..." and with that I abruptly hang up the phone and bolt out of the bullpen towards the voice of reason. With a series of deep breaths and a quick once over in the reflection of the glass to the unoccupied Deputy Communications Director's always-empty office, I am ready to knock on Toby's door. I am greeted with a gruff salutation from the other side and then a chorus of a child's voice singing for me to come in.
I stumble slightly as Huck throws himself at me the minute I enter the room. I pick him up and put him on my lap as I take a seat on Toby's couch.
When he finally looks up from his task at hand, packing away the clippings that have littered his corkboard for the past eight years, his face falls. It's so scary that this man can read me like this. But I've come to expect it over the years. As much as he'll never admit to it, Toby has become kind of like my own personal guardian. He's been the only one to tell me the god's honest truth when needed, and as a constant support system for me, I know I could trust him with my life. I love him. I can't even begin to explain his importance in my life.
"What's wrong?" he asks immediately rounding the desk. Fatherhood has softened him. Only a little, and only really when weepy women are concerned. I blink back a new set of tears as Huck paws at my new necklace, twirling it around in his little hand.
"Where's Molly?" I ask weakly. Today misdirection is my vice. He sees right through me as always.
"Bathroom with Andi," he's quick to provide a simple explanation and just as quick to narrow his eyes at me because he knows that I didn't come here to visit with the kids. "Donna," he begins taking a seat across from me. "What did he do this time?"
I laugh and Huck laughs with me the way small children do when they think something is supposed to be funny. Ever since after my thing in Gaza Toby has probably been my biggest supporter in the Josh and Donna saga. I've heard it said by many different people but Toby is the only one I believe when I hear the words 'hurt her and I'll kill you,' spoken about me, to Josh.
"I..." really, I have no idea where to even begin. "I'm going to Harvard," I decide to share on a whim. Months ago I hinted to Toby about wanting to go back to school. He was a big supporter of the idea, which probably explains why he's smiling and suddenly I'm smiling back because it's such a rare, rare, occurrence.
"So I've heard..." he offers, scratching his beard as he nods. Huck looks to his father and laughs again.
"Uncle Josh went to Harvard," Huck beams. Josh's influence on this child is disconcerting.
"That he did," I reply sweetly and Toby chuckles.
"Huck," Toby begins in the usual quiet and serious tone that we've all grown to love. "I need to talk to Aunt Donna for a moment, grown up talk," and I love that he treats his children as equals. Maybe if my parents were that way when I was growing up I wouldn't resent my mother so much. "So how about you hop on down from there and I'll let you sit at my desk and color."
"Really?" Huck's eyes light up.
Toby stands, offering Huck his hand. Huck gives me a quick, yet sloppy kiss on the cheek, and then follows Toby. Its mere seconds before Toby is back to the chair.
"Congratulations," he says with a nod. "Although I don't doubt that you could have gotten into school anywhere."
I nod back.
"SO... what is this really about?" he asks with a sigh.
"Uncle Josh!" we hear Molly shout from the other side of the door and I laugh as her little footsteps are heard scurrying across the bullpen. Thanks Mol.
I bet he's looking for me.
Toby notices my discomfort and quickly puts two and two together.
"My daughter just hit the nail on the head huh?" he questions. I nod. "He's pressuring you to stay here?" Toby guesses.
Am I bad to be wishing that were the case?
"No," I shake my head and close my eyes. Fresh tears begin to threaten once more. I take another deep breath before speaking again. "The exact opposite."
Toby takes a moment to digest my response. Be strong Donna, I tell myself. I have never been such an emotional mess in my entire life. After Rosslyn, even after Gaza, I managed to hold it together better than this.
"He's scared," Toby replies suddenly, as though it's painfully obvious. I dunno maybe it is and I'm just blind. Either way, I have to question Toby's assessment.
"Why?" I think I actually whine.
"Donna..." Toby's expression is pained. I can tell he's torn. Sam wasn't kidding when he suggested that everybody knew about the prospect of Josh and I a long time ago. I wonder why when Sam and I talked about it, he never once mentioned the fact that everyone here cared this much. "I never told anyone this," Toby continues. "But I saw you... you and Josh... at the New Years Eve party. I saw you..."
My hand is over my mouth in an instant.
"I saw..." he chuckles. This is SO weird. "It's the real thing Donna..." Toby sighs. "He's scared because you two are the real thing. And like everything else in the world, he's scared he'll lose you," Toby shakes his head. "I've said too much. You two should talk."
I nod.
"We're going to Maui," I offer.
Toby nods too, only slower. He's perfected this slow, I know something you don't know, nod. That's when it hits me.
"You knew?" I ask, eyes wide.
He nods again and suddenly I can feel the color rising to my cheeks.
"And?" I ask nervously.
"It's a bold gesture," he replies slowly. "Not as bold as buying a house but..." Toby stops lost in thought. Suddenly I'm aware that this is probably all I will get from him. Maybe it's better this way. "Are you going to go?"
I stare at him like it was even a question. Then I answer.
"Of course," it comes out with no hesitation.
"Good."
"Was he worried I'd say no?" I ask frowning. Toby doesn't reply. Right now, at this moment, I feel like everything that I've known and learned my entire life is completely wrong and opposite. I wonder if this is how things are going to be from now on?
I open my mouth to speak and ask yet another painfully obvious question but stop when the door opens and Molly peaks her head in followed by Andi and Josh.
"Leo just called my office," Josh begins stepping into the room only after looking cautiously from me to Toby and then back to me again. "He said that the President is threatening to send out the Calvary, yanno, because he still can... if we're late.
Andi is behind Josh smiling and Toby smiles at her before going to the desk and pulling Huck up and over it. With Huck in his arms and Molly's hand in his he makes his way out the door. Andi follows leaving Josh and I alone for a moment.
He looks nervous and I feel nervous. We make a great pair.
"Shall we?" he asks, extending his hand. I take it with a smile.
"Absolutely," I say grabbing him, preparing to pull him out the door. But Josh doesn't budge. Instead he pulls me to him and plants a sound kiss on my lips.
It's going to be a long night.
We just call it like we see it. Call it out as loud as we can. And then afterwards we call it all water over the damn. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"
I can't remember a time when I've sat at this desk and had absolutely nothing to do. I've packed everything, rearranged the box I've packed it all into so that my stuff fits efficiently, and searched through other desks and drawers that I've used over the past eight years to make sure that I haven't left anything behind. This is just sad.
I really cannot WAIT until Josh transfers Sam to me. I'm staring at his door again, Josh's that is, like it's the most interesting thing I've ever seen. I closed it when he started yelling. Not the bad yelling but the good fun loving Josh 'happy to be talking to his best friend' yelling. I can almost tolerate him when he's like this. Almost... and only because I know first hand just how much he misses Sam.
Against my better judgment and to fight boredom, I log on to my computer one last time. I know I don't have any e-mail and looking at my White House account is just going to make me depressed but that doesn't stop me. I wait for the right programs to boot up and laugh. The other day I went ahead and started myself a yahoo account, DonnaM7yahoo.com... I wasn't feeling too creative at the time. Other than your general daily spam, I have yet to receive anything worthwhile. The password to this account, like all others is redlights – one word, no spaces... I'm predictable like that.
As expected no mail at the White House account and unless you count the "Fifty One Ways to Enlarge Your Penis" message I received from Y#$Ldh&!$YHo&Mhot4u.com, on my yahoo name, logging onto the computer was pretty much pointless and I haven't even wasted five minutes. I quickly log out, shutting the machine down completely and sigh just in time to hear Josh bellow for me. I open his door and smile.
"Yes Master," I joke, bowing my head.
"Sam's on three," he says rolling his eyes as he smirks.
"Thanks," I reply and turn to leave.
"Come back when you're done!" he calls out sweetly just as I close the door. I smile to myself because he doesn't need to tell me twice.
"Hello gorgeous," I say in my best impression of a sexy temptress. I am greeted with Sam's laughter on the other end.
"Donna," he begins and I bet he's smiling too. "It's been too long," he adds with a sigh. "I miss that voice," he chuckles. "I wish I could be with you guys today."
I bite my bottom lip because I fear tears. I wish he were here too.
"Josh tells me you're lovely as always," he adds for good measure, and to break the tension that has seemed to grow out of the sadness. I'm smiling again. I wish he could see me.
"Josh likes to embellish."
He laughs at my comment.
"He tell you what we talked about?" Sam asks sweetly.
"Hardly," I reply with a laugh. "More like Sam's on three, shut the door," and maybe I like to embellish too.
Sam continues to laugh right along with me.
"He says he's gathered he finally found himself a clue," Sam provides quickly.
And suddenly I'm glad that Sam can't seem me because I'm blushing.
"Something like that," I reply with little effort.
"Hawaii?" he asks and I'm sure his bright blue eyes are shining.
"Wouldn't you say it's about time?" I offer and Sam's laughing again.
"I told him that he's just begun to realize what we've all know for years," he pauses. "Maybe even you too Donna... know what he told me?"
"He's known all along." I say softly, because I already know the answer.
"How did you know?"
Because I've known too...
"Because I've known too," way to go truth. Sometime I wish that my mind and my mouth would work together and form some filters.
Sam's silent for a moment.
"Donna have you been holding out on me?" he asks quietly and he's so sincere that I start to miss him and his steadfast sincerity even more than before. Maybe, after Hawaii, I'LL take a little impromptu trip to California.
"Maybe..." I reply with a short laugh.
"Do you love him?" Sam asks. Way to get to the point there Samuel.
"Sam..." I begin, trying to avoid this. Its not like he doesn't already know the answer but I feel like if I'm going to be making any kind of solid confession it should be to Josh and those aren't words that we've ever used yet, at least not out loud.
"'Cause he loves you," Sam continues. "I mean you know that," he laughs or more, chuckles. "I'm sure you know that... you've probably always known that..." he sighs. "Anyway, he told me about Harvard. He's so proud of you," I can tell he's smiling again. I smile too. "I'm proud of you too," he adds and then there's a long pause. I have no idea what to say so I wait for Sam to speak up. "And I know... we both know, that you're going to make the decision that's right for you," he finishes.
"I know," and I'm confident in my reply. "It's just..." I pause, afraid of my own voice. "I do... love him," I add. "It's just more complicated than that.
"Donna..." and there's that sincerity again along with some incredible patience. I guess if you had to put up with the drama that is Josh and I for as long as Sam has, you'd have to have a LOT of patience. "I have immense faith in you," is all he says.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Sam?
"Thank you," I whisper because if I talk any louder, I might cry. Damn this day for already being so emotional.
"He loves you too," Sam repeats. "Remember that."
I smile even though tears are spilling down my cheeks. When I don't say anything for a long moment, I think Sam becomes concerned.
"Donna..." he is definitely worried.
"Yeah?" I reply, my voice cracking as I speak.
"You alright?"
"Yes," I laugh. "No," I laugh some more. "I don't know..." then there's the smirk. "Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I call you back later?"
"Sure."
"Kay..." and with that I abruptly hang up the phone and bolt out of the bullpen towards the voice of reason. With a series of deep breaths and a quick once over in the reflection of the glass to the unoccupied Deputy Communications Director's always-empty office, I am ready to knock on Toby's door. I am greeted with a gruff salutation from the other side and then a chorus of a child's voice singing for me to come in.
I stumble slightly as Huck throws himself at me the minute I enter the room. I pick him up and put him on my lap as I take a seat on Toby's couch.
When he finally looks up from his task at hand, packing away the clippings that have littered his corkboard for the past eight years, his face falls. It's so scary that this man can read me like this. But I've come to expect it over the years. As much as he'll never admit to it, Toby has become kind of like my own personal guardian. He's been the only one to tell me the god's honest truth when needed, and as a constant support system for me, I know I could trust him with my life. I love him. I can't even begin to explain his importance in my life.
"What's wrong?" he asks immediately rounding the desk. Fatherhood has softened him. Only a little, and only really when weepy women are concerned. I blink back a new set of tears as Huck paws at my new necklace, twirling it around in his little hand.
"Where's Molly?" I ask weakly. Today misdirection is my vice. He sees right through me as always.
"Bathroom with Andi," he's quick to provide a simple explanation and just as quick to narrow his eyes at me because he knows that I didn't come here to visit with the kids. "Donna," he begins taking a seat across from me. "What did he do this time?"
I laugh and Huck laughs with me the way small children do when they think something is supposed to be funny. Ever since after my thing in Gaza Toby has probably been my biggest supporter in the Josh and Donna saga. I've heard it said by many different people but Toby is the only one I believe when I hear the words 'hurt her and I'll kill you,' spoken about me, to Josh.
"I..." really, I have no idea where to even begin. "I'm going to Harvard," I decide to share on a whim. Months ago I hinted to Toby about wanting to go back to school. He was a big supporter of the idea, which probably explains why he's smiling and suddenly I'm smiling back because it's such a rare, rare, occurrence.
"So I've heard..." he offers, scratching his beard as he nods. Huck looks to his father and laughs again.
"Uncle Josh went to Harvard," Huck beams. Josh's influence on this child is disconcerting.
"That he did," I reply sweetly and Toby chuckles.
"Huck," Toby begins in the usual quiet and serious tone that we've all grown to love. "I need to talk to Aunt Donna for a moment, grown up talk," and I love that he treats his children as equals. Maybe if my parents were that way when I was growing up I wouldn't resent my mother so much. "So how about you hop on down from there and I'll let you sit at my desk and color."
"Really?" Huck's eyes light up.
Toby stands, offering Huck his hand. Huck gives me a quick, yet sloppy kiss on the cheek, and then follows Toby. Its mere seconds before Toby is back to the chair.
"Congratulations," he says with a nod. "Although I don't doubt that you could have gotten into school anywhere."
I nod back.
"SO... what is this really about?" he asks with a sigh.
"Uncle Josh!" we hear Molly shout from the other side of the door and I laugh as her little footsteps are heard scurrying across the bullpen. Thanks Mol.
I bet he's looking for me.
Toby notices my discomfort and quickly puts two and two together.
"My daughter just hit the nail on the head huh?" he questions. I nod. "He's pressuring you to stay here?" Toby guesses.
Am I bad to be wishing that were the case?
"No," I shake my head and close my eyes. Fresh tears begin to threaten once more. I take another deep breath before speaking again. "The exact opposite."
Toby takes a moment to digest my response. Be strong Donna, I tell myself. I have never been such an emotional mess in my entire life. After Rosslyn, even after Gaza, I managed to hold it together better than this.
"He's scared," Toby replies suddenly, as though it's painfully obvious. I dunno maybe it is and I'm just blind. Either way, I have to question Toby's assessment.
"Why?" I think I actually whine.
"Donna..." Toby's expression is pained. I can tell he's torn. Sam wasn't kidding when he suggested that everybody knew about the prospect of Josh and I a long time ago. I wonder why when Sam and I talked about it, he never once mentioned the fact that everyone here cared this much. "I never told anyone this," Toby continues. "But I saw you... you and Josh... at the New Years Eve party. I saw you..."
My hand is over my mouth in an instant.
"I saw..." he chuckles. This is SO weird. "It's the real thing Donna..." Toby sighs. "He's scared because you two are the real thing. And like everything else in the world, he's scared he'll lose you," Toby shakes his head. "I've said too much. You two should talk."
I nod.
"We're going to Maui," I offer.
Toby nods too, only slower. He's perfected this slow, I know something you don't know, nod. That's when it hits me.
"You knew?" I ask, eyes wide.
He nods again and suddenly I can feel the color rising to my cheeks.
"And?" I ask nervously.
"It's a bold gesture," he replies slowly. "Not as bold as buying a house but..." Toby stops lost in thought. Suddenly I'm aware that this is probably all I will get from him. Maybe it's better this way. "Are you going to go?"
I stare at him like it was even a question. Then I answer.
"Of course," it comes out with no hesitation.
"Good."
"Was he worried I'd say no?" I ask frowning. Toby doesn't reply. Right now, at this moment, I feel like everything that I've known and learned my entire life is completely wrong and opposite. I wonder if this is how things are going to be from now on?
I open my mouth to speak and ask yet another painfully obvious question but stop when the door opens and Molly peaks her head in followed by Andi and Josh.
"Leo just called my office," Josh begins stepping into the room only after looking cautiously from me to Toby and then back to me again. "He said that the President is threatening to send out the Calvary, yanno, because he still can... if we're late.
Andi is behind Josh smiling and Toby smiles at her before going to the desk and pulling Huck up and over it. With Huck in his arms and Molly's hand in his he makes his way out the door. Andi follows leaving Josh and I alone for a moment.
He looks nervous and I feel nervous. We make a great pair.
"Shall we?" he asks, extending his hand. I take it with a smile.
"Absolutely," I say grabbing him, preparing to pull him out the door. But Josh doesn't budge. Instead he pulls me to him and plants a sound kiss on my lips.
It's going to be a long night.