Part VI - The Moral High Ground
Maybe the moral high ground isn't as high as they say it is. Maybe we are both good people who've done some bad things. I just hope it was okay, I know it wasn't perfect. I hope in the end we can laugh and say it was all worth it. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"
The Residence... when people ask me what my favorite part of the White House is, I always answer the Residence. Sure the Oval Office is amazing, but the grandeur is too overbearing for me and as for the Rose Garden... well I've never been one for flowers, at least not the kind you plant, and really in a place like DC, which experiences, in essence, all four seasons, most of the time its just a bunch of barren bushes.
But the Residence, the Residence is beautiful all year round. We're invited up here several times a year and each time I get excited and the prospect. It's a pipe dream but someday I'd love to live in a place like this.
Everything about the Residence is just so... amazing. Every time I'm up here I spend half the time looking around in awe. Today is no different. Only I think that this is the first time that Josh has ever noticed my wonderment because as we mount the stairs to the West Side family room, I can see him watching me and smirking. Any other day and this might have bothered me. Today...today everything feels different
He's on my right, his hand on the small of my back. The gesture is extremely comforting yet it makes me uneasy at the same time because I feel like the more comfortable that I let myself get, especially with Josh, the harder things are going to be in the long run.
I've stopped focusing on Harvard and begun focusing on Josh for the ten minutes that it takes us to get through the professional wings of the White House, but I know that soon enough we will be in the company of more than one person who will make a very large and very public deal out of my decision making, mainly, one almost former President, Josiah Bartlet.
Josh keeps giving me these looks, like he can sense that something is wrong. I mean he knows that something is wrong. A private conversation between the two of us, one where we actually speak in meaningful sentences, to each other, is long overdue and we both know it. But this... this is more than that. And when I look at him and he's frowning off into the distance, I know that this dinner and mingling, even if it is with our closest friends, is going to soon become unmanageable.
Yesterday when Doctor Bartlet told me that she was going to make sure that Josh brought me along tonight, I was excited. Yesterday I hadn't anticipated ANY of today panning out as it did. Man am I naive. Josh's stubble admissions haven't really been much of a surprise, and I know that telling the people that I love that I will be going away to school at Harvard was going to be trying to begin with. But never in a million years did I think that I'd be so completely unhinged today - so off the wall in my emotional range. I mean I knew that I'd be experiencing some form of melancholy, but I never would have anticipated being plagued almost paralyzed even with these overwhelming anxieties. I will not be totally surprised if I vomit before the night is over. What have I done?
We enter into mass chaos in the West Family room. Huck and Molly are running circles around Charlie who seems to be trying to have some sort of civil conversation with Zoey. CJ is sitting on a very regal looking sofa, shoes kicked off, wine glass in hand, laughing at something Leo - who is sitting comfortably across from her - has said. Andi and Toby are sharing a private moment, sans children, in the corner by the mini-bar. And the President, who has his arm wrapped protectively around the First Lady's waist, is the first to spot Josh and I.
"You've made it!" he beams as Josh and I enter. I nearly sigh when Josh breaks contact - his arm falling limply to his side. Instead I opt for a smile as Josh speaks for us both.
"We took the long way," Josh offers. "For old times sake," he adds with a wink. He's smiling too. There's a story behind this but I'll save that for another time.
"I see," The President replies, giving both Josh and I a suspicious once over. "Well friends," he begins, louder this time, speaking to us all. And I am reminded how much I love this man, even throughout every hardship of the past eight years. I am going to miss him like I missed my father the first few months after I left Wisconsin. I swallow down the lump that has started to form in my throat. This really is the end of an era. My personal problems now seem so small compared to the loss that the man before me must be feeling. Suddenly I am more sad than I was before and that's saying a lot.
The talking and idle chatter that once consumed the room ceases. Even Molly and Huck, who have always been favorites of the President's, seemed to have calmed, sensing the seriousness of the impending conversation just by the room's sudden change in tone.
"I've asked you all here today," the President continues. "Because each of you has played an integral part in these past eight years here and I felt it only right to share my gratitude with all of you at once."
I have no control of the tears that are suddenly dribbling down my face. And I'm only slightly aware of Josh's hand in mine. I look at him and he's smiling at me. His smile is so honest, so pure, so reassuring that I can't help but smile back. And as quickly as they appeared the tears are gone. The President smiles at all of us and its almost as though I can actually feel a sense of calm transcend the room.
Harvard is an afterthought. I don't think that I've ever been more in the moment in my entire life.
"I wrote something down," the President ambles on. He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a note torn from a yellow legal pad and then crumples it up right before our eyes. "But we all know that these things never work out the way that we want them to. This wasn't something that I could ask you," he gestures to Toby. "To help me with," Toby and the President exchange nods. "I thought about calling Sam," he adds with a laugh and a shake of his head. "He's probably busy with Senate stuff... at any rate..." the President sighs. We are all so captivate by him that I think he could be reading the phone book to us and we'd still be a band of brothers staring at our commander with nothing short of total adoration. When people asked me why I just picked up and left Wisconsin to head to New Hampshire I always tell them it was because of Bartlet. Because of his essence, because when I saw him on television I wanted nothing more than to work for someone with such a commanding presence. That's why I chose him... that's why I choose to go there. Well that and the fact that New Hampshire was a hell of a lot closer to Wisconsin than Texas.
I smile at the memory of my first day on the job. The words 'I think you'll find me valuable' echo in my head. No one could know how scared I was that day. I steal a look at Josh, whose hand encases mine, but he's looking at the President. It really doesn't matter to me though. I could study him forever. Instead of staring into the depth of his eyes, as I would if he was looking at me, I take to my own study of his profile. So strong, so regal... I really do love just looking at him. And it's not even that he's gorgeous, I mean not at all by typical standards but there's something about his manner, that cockiness, that just radiates from his aura, its so incredibly sexy.
My study takes more concentration than I thought as I finally look away to find that the President has moved on slightly in his show of gratitude. So maybe he's not quite as commanding a presence as I thought. Or maybe I'm just HOPELESSLY in love with his Deputy Chief of Staff. I'm sure that he'd forgive me for this blunder.
"Isn't it funny," the President is chuckling. He has the most amazingly kindhearted laugh. "How sometimes something someone say, or does, can either make you lose faith in the human race, or gain hope?" he shrugs, but with the slightest hint of a smile. "Either that or we're incredibly naive or gullible..." his voice trails off, as if he's suddenly pondering his own thought. It's incredibly endearing. "I dunno... maybe we were wrong all along..."
As if on cue, Leo shakes his head, he's smiling at the President.
"Either way," the President looks to the First Lady who is right next to him, never missing a beat, and then back to his faithful soldiers. "I like to think that something we did, or something we said, gave faith to all of those people who before us had," he's looking directly at Leo now. "Brought the bar down so low over the years that they were actually excited to suddenly have a reason to care."
And Leo's smiling up at his best friend once again.
In an instant I see Sam and Josh in their place ten years from now, and suddenly I'm smiling too.
"But its not just the faith that we gave to others," the President continues. "But the faith that we had," he stops to correct himself. "Still have," he nods. "In each other that really helped carry us along this far. We all took risks. Risks on each other, risks on ourselves... knowing what we had to lose, but risking it anyway... because that's what life is all about," he looks to Abbey who smiles and then suddenly his eyes are on Josh and I. I can feel my face flush. Josh's grip on my hand becomes tighter. I may have to kiss him soon.
"We have been through so much in our time here..." he's pondering again. "Good, bad, happy, sad," the President laughs as Toby visibly cringes at the rhyme. "The world has watching us in our brightest moments and our darkest hours. You all have been behind me to celebrate my... our accomplishments, grieve our losses, and mourn our failures. But that's the outside stuff... what's important is the inside stuff. The stuff I have been privileged enough to see and love."
Suddenly I feel Josh's hand slip out of mine and for a moment I physically ache at the lose of contact. I look over to Josh and immediately find all of the explanation that I need.
Molly is in his arms, her own little limbs wrapped tightly around Josh's neck and torso. One of his arms holds her, the other strokes through her messy mop of red curls. He whispers something into her ear and she nods and smiles.
The two of them mesmerizes me. Here I stand watching Bartlet's pit bull cooing into the ear of his surrogate niece and my heart is melting. Suddenly I have a vision in my head of what my own daughter, with a mop of brown curls, just like her father's, would look like. She'd be like Molly quite, and smart as a whip. She'd definitely have Josh's dimples and probably my sensitive alabaster skin. Josh would hold her, just like he's holding Molly and I would just watch in awe as my creation bonded with the man that I love.
And then just as suddenly as the vision came its gone and I'm left paralyzed with fear. Two years to finish college and god knows what else after that. By the time I have children I will be forty. And what about a career? I want a career. What about Josh's career? I mean with getting Sam into the White House and all... whoa where did that come from? Josh and Sam and they're drunken dreams have really left an impression in my mind.
Notice how I'm afraid that I'll be having children too late in life, but I never once question that whatever child I do have, Josh will be the father.
Shit I've missed another entire section of the President's speech. I hope he doesn't quiz us later... on our last day here its totally something I can see him doing.
"We all take different paths in life," his eyes scan the entire room. He's greeted with a silent chorus of nods. I am so lucky to have jumped into the conversation at just the right moment. "But no matter where we go, we talk a little bit of each other with us," he takes a long pause before continuing. "Leo... my dear friend. From you I take courage," he brings a fisted hand to his heart and I swear that there are tears in the eyes of both the President and his Chief of Staff.
"Charlie," he continues after clearing his throat. "From you I take understanding."
There really is no need for an explanation as to why the President finds these features of our virtuous so he just continues without fanfare.
Charlie, with the hint of a smile, nods.
"Toby, Andrea, munchkins..." the President smiles. "I take from you confidence... and" he narrows in on Andi. "Determination."
Toby for probably the first time in his adult life looks sheepish.
"Claudia..."
CJ sits up a bit at the mention of her name. The only person she ever really tolerates calling her by her first name, aside from her own father, is the President, and sometimes Toby and Josh.
"From you I take sharp wit," he giggles. Oh. My. God. The President of the United States just giggled. "And compassion, because you have the biggest heart I have ever seen... and that's saying a lot considering there are some close rivals in this room right now," I might be the only one who notices the President glancing quickly at Josh.
"Thanks boss," CJ responds through tears.
"Donna," oh no, my turn. And just when I thought that he was going to skip over me because I am not really senior staff... then again neither is Andi. I am SO screwed. I will not cry, I will not cry. "I take from you, pure unadulterated innocence. The kind that we all so desperately need a bit of in our own lives," And I'm crying.
"Joshua," the President pauses. "I take from you passion. Passion for everything you are and everything you do. You have managed to convince me with the help of your amazing passion that anything is possible. You are proof Josh that miracles can happen."
Still crying.
"As for you Abigal," he turns to his wife. "And my loving youngest," he turns to Zoey and laughs. "I get to take you with me."
Both Zoey and Abbey laugh as well.
I will bring these attributes; courage, understanding, confidence, determination, wit, compassion, innocence, and passion, with me to my grave. Because you never really lose anything. Not really... things, people... they go away sooner or later. You can't hold them anymore than you can hold the moonlight. But if they've touched you, if they're inside of you, then they're still in you."
The love that this man has for all of us, the same love that we have for him... you can actually feel it swirling around the room, felt by only us, invisible to the naked eye. Kind of like those tiny dust particles that you can only see when the sun shines through a window just right.
"I leave you with this quote from George Bernard Shaw," he says with a confident smile. It is in this moment that I realize that a ledged stands before me. I will forever be impacted by what this man has done for me. "Our actions in life carry a delicate balance of blame and gratuity. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing," he turns to Abbey and hugs her. A quick glance from her, in my direction, verifies what I had expected. She's crying too.
Before I even realize what is happening, we're all hugging and chattering away at a million miles a minute. I know I will never lose these people, that they'll always be around when I need them, but that still doesn't change the fact that things will never again be like they are right here, right now.
And that's when it hits me. Things between Josh and I... in the blink of an eye I can change all of it and what if its not for better but for worse, what if I leave and...
That's it. My minds made up, there's no way I can go to Harvard. I shake my head and look up to find everyone staring at me.
"Donna..." Josh's voice seems miles away.
"Yeah?" I bet my eyes are as big as saucers.
"I believe you have an announcement to make?" the President suggests and I freeze.
There is no way this will end well.
Maybe the moral high ground isn't as high as they say it is. Maybe we are both good people who've done some bad things. I just hope it was okay, I know it wasn't perfect. I hope in the end we can laugh and say it was all worth it. Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour"
The Residence... when people ask me what my favorite part of the White House is, I always answer the Residence. Sure the Oval Office is amazing, but the grandeur is too overbearing for me and as for the Rose Garden... well I've never been one for flowers, at least not the kind you plant, and really in a place like DC, which experiences, in essence, all four seasons, most of the time its just a bunch of barren bushes.
But the Residence, the Residence is beautiful all year round. We're invited up here several times a year and each time I get excited and the prospect. It's a pipe dream but someday I'd love to live in a place like this.
Everything about the Residence is just so... amazing. Every time I'm up here I spend half the time looking around in awe. Today is no different. Only I think that this is the first time that Josh has ever noticed my wonderment because as we mount the stairs to the West Side family room, I can see him watching me and smirking. Any other day and this might have bothered me. Today...today everything feels different
He's on my right, his hand on the small of my back. The gesture is extremely comforting yet it makes me uneasy at the same time because I feel like the more comfortable that I let myself get, especially with Josh, the harder things are going to be in the long run.
I've stopped focusing on Harvard and begun focusing on Josh for the ten minutes that it takes us to get through the professional wings of the White House, but I know that soon enough we will be in the company of more than one person who will make a very large and very public deal out of my decision making, mainly, one almost former President, Josiah Bartlet.
Josh keeps giving me these looks, like he can sense that something is wrong. I mean he knows that something is wrong. A private conversation between the two of us, one where we actually speak in meaningful sentences, to each other, is long overdue and we both know it. But this... this is more than that. And when I look at him and he's frowning off into the distance, I know that this dinner and mingling, even if it is with our closest friends, is going to soon become unmanageable.
Yesterday when Doctor Bartlet told me that she was going to make sure that Josh brought me along tonight, I was excited. Yesterday I hadn't anticipated ANY of today panning out as it did. Man am I naive. Josh's stubble admissions haven't really been much of a surprise, and I know that telling the people that I love that I will be going away to school at Harvard was going to be trying to begin with. But never in a million years did I think that I'd be so completely unhinged today - so off the wall in my emotional range. I mean I knew that I'd be experiencing some form of melancholy, but I never would have anticipated being plagued almost paralyzed even with these overwhelming anxieties. I will not be totally surprised if I vomit before the night is over. What have I done?
We enter into mass chaos in the West Family room. Huck and Molly are running circles around Charlie who seems to be trying to have some sort of civil conversation with Zoey. CJ is sitting on a very regal looking sofa, shoes kicked off, wine glass in hand, laughing at something Leo - who is sitting comfortably across from her - has said. Andi and Toby are sharing a private moment, sans children, in the corner by the mini-bar. And the President, who has his arm wrapped protectively around the First Lady's waist, is the first to spot Josh and I.
"You've made it!" he beams as Josh and I enter. I nearly sigh when Josh breaks contact - his arm falling limply to his side. Instead I opt for a smile as Josh speaks for us both.
"We took the long way," Josh offers. "For old times sake," he adds with a wink. He's smiling too. There's a story behind this but I'll save that for another time.
"I see," The President replies, giving both Josh and I a suspicious once over. "Well friends," he begins, louder this time, speaking to us all. And I am reminded how much I love this man, even throughout every hardship of the past eight years. I am going to miss him like I missed my father the first few months after I left Wisconsin. I swallow down the lump that has started to form in my throat. This really is the end of an era. My personal problems now seem so small compared to the loss that the man before me must be feeling. Suddenly I am more sad than I was before and that's saying a lot.
The talking and idle chatter that once consumed the room ceases. Even Molly and Huck, who have always been favorites of the President's, seemed to have calmed, sensing the seriousness of the impending conversation just by the room's sudden change in tone.
"I've asked you all here today," the President continues. "Because each of you has played an integral part in these past eight years here and I felt it only right to share my gratitude with all of you at once."
I have no control of the tears that are suddenly dribbling down my face. And I'm only slightly aware of Josh's hand in mine. I look at him and he's smiling at me. His smile is so honest, so pure, so reassuring that I can't help but smile back. And as quickly as they appeared the tears are gone. The President smiles at all of us and its almost as though I can actually feel a sense of calm transcend the room.
Harvard is an afterthought. I don't think that I've ever been more in the moment in my entire life.
"I wrote something down," the President ambles on. He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a note torn from a yellow legal pad and then crumples it up right before our eyes. "But we all know that these things never work out the way that we want them to. This wasn't something that I could ask you," he gestures to Toby. "To help me with," Toby and the President exchange nods. "I thought about calling Sam," he adds with a laugh and a shake of his head. "He's probably busy with Senate stuff... at any rate..." the President sighs. We are all so captivate by him that I think he could be reading the phone book to us and we'd still be a band of brothers staring at our commander with nothing short of total adoration. When people asked me why I just picked up and left Wisconsin to head to New Hampshire I always tell them it was because of Bartlet. Because of his essence, because when I saw him on television I wanted nothing more than to work for someone with such a commanding presence. That's why I chose him... that's why I choose to go there. Well that and the fact that New Hampshire was a hell of a lot closer to Wisconsin than Texas.
I smile at the memory of my first day on the job. The words 'I think you'll find me valuable' echo in my head. No one could know how scared I was that day. I steal a look at Josh, whose hand encases mine, but he's looking at the President. It really doesn't matter to me though. I could study him forever. Instead of staring into the depth of his eyes, as I would if he was looking at me, I take to my own study of his profile. So strong, so regal... I really do love just looking at him. And it's not even that he's gorgeous, I mean not at all by typical standards but there's something about his manner, that cockiness, that just radiates from his aura, its so incredibly sexy.
My study takes more concentration than I thought as I finally look away to find that the President has moved on slightly in his show of gratitude. So maybe he's not quite as commanding a presence as I thought. Or maybe I'm just HOPELESSLY in love with his Deputy Chief of Staff. I'm sure that he'd forgive me for this blunder.
"Isn't it funny," the President is chuckling. He has the most amazingly kindhearted laugh. "How sometimes something someone say, or does, can either make you lose faith in the human race, or gain hope?" he shrugs, but with the slightest hint of a smile. "Either that or we're incredibly naive or gullible..." his voice trails off, as if he's suddenly pondering his own thought. It's incredibly endearing. "I dunno... maybe we were wrong all along..."
As if on cue, Leo shakes his head, he's smiling at the President.
"Either way," the President looks to the First Lady who is right next to him, never missing a beat, and then back to his faithful soldiers. "I like to think that something we did, or something we said, gave faith to all of those people who before us had," he's looking directly at Leo now. "Brought the bar down so low over the years that they were actually excited to suddenly have a reason to care."
And Leo's smiling up at his best friend once again.
In an instant I see Sam and Josh in their place ten years from now, and suddenly I'm smiling too.
"But its not just the faith that we gave to others," the President continues. "But the faith that we had," he stops to correct himself. "Still have," he nods. "In each other that really helped carry us along this far. We all took risks. Risks on each other, risks on ourselves... knowing what we had to lose, but risking it anyway... because that's what life is all about," he looks to Abbey who smiles and then suddenly his eyes are on Josh and I. I can feel my face flush. Josh's grip on my hand becomes tighter. I may have to kiss him soon.
"We have been through so much in our time here..." he's pondering again. "Good, bad, happy, sad," the President laughs as Toby visibly cringes at the rhyme. "The world has watching us in our brightest moments and our darkest hours. You all have been behind me to celebrate my... our accomplishments, grieve our losses, and mourn our failures. But that's the outside stuff... what's important is the inside stuff. The stuff I have been privileged enough to see and love."
Suddenly I feel Josh's hand slip out of mine and for a moment I physically ache at the lose of contact. I look over to Josh and immediately find all of the explanation that I need.
Molly is in his arms, her own little limbs wrapped tightly around Josh's neck and torso. One of his arms holds her, the other strokes through her messy mop of red curls. He whispers something into her ear and she nods and smiles.
The two of them mesmerizes me. Here I stand watching Bartlet's pit bull cooing into the ear of his surrogate niece and my heart is melting. Suddenly I have a vision in my head of what my own daughter, with a mop of brown curls, just like her father's, would look like. She'd be like Molly quite, and smart as a whip. She'd definitely have Josh's dimples and probably my sensitive alabaster skin. Josh would hold her, just like he's holding Molly and I would just watch in awe as my creation bonded with the man that I love.
And then just as suddenly as the vision came its gone and I'm left paralyzed with fear. Two years to finish college and god knows what else after that. By the time I have children I will be forty. And what about a career? I want a career. What about Josh's career? I mean with getting Sam into the White House and all... whoa where did that come from? Josh and Sam and they're drunken dreams have really left an impression in my mind.
Notice how I'm afraid that I'll be having children too late in life, but I never once question that whatever child I do have, Josh will be the father.
Shit I've missed another entire section of the President's speech. I hope he doesn't quiz us later... on our last day here its totally something I can see him doing.
"We all take different paths in life," his eyes scan the entire room. He's greeted with a silent chorus of nods. I am so lucky to have jumped into the conversation at just the right moment. "But no matter where we go, we talk a little bit of each other with us," he takes a long pause before continuing. "Leo... my dear friend. From you I take courage," he brings a fisted hand to his heart and I swear that there are tears in the eyes of both the President and his Chief of Staff.
"Charlie," he continues after clearing his throat. "From you I take understanding."
There really is no need for an explanation as to why the President finds these features of our virtuous so he just continues without fanfare.
Charlie, with the hint of a smile, nods.
"Toby, Andrea, munchkins..." the President smiles. "I take from you confidence... and" he narrows in on Andi. "Determination."
Toby for probably the first time in his adult life looks sheepish.
"Claudia..."
CJ sits up a bit at the mention of her name. The only person she ever really tolerates calling her by her first name, aside from her own father, is the President, and sometimes Toby and Josh.
"From you I take sharp wit," he giggles. Oh. My. God. The President of the United States just giggled. "And compassion, because you have the biggest heart I have ever seen... and that's saying a lot considering there are some close rivals in this room right now," I might be the only one who notices the President glancing quickly at Josh.
"Thanks boss," CJ responds through tears.
"Donna," oh no, my turn. And just when I thought that he was going to skip over me because I am not really senior staff... then again neither is Andi. I am SO screwed. I will not cry, I will not cry. "I take from you, pure unadulterated innocence. The kind that we all so desperately need a bit of in our own lives," And I'm crying.
"Joshua," the President pauses. "I take from you passion. Passion for everything you are and everything you do. You have managed to convince me with the help of your amazing passion that anything is possible. You are proof Josh that miracles can happen."
Still crying.
"As for you Abigal," he turns to his wife. "And my loving youngest," he turns to Zoey and laughs. "I get to take you with me."
Both Zoey and Abbey laugh as well.
I will bring these attributes; courage, understanding, confidence, determination, wit, compassion, innocence, and passion, with me to my grave. Because you never really lose anything. Not really... things, people... they go away sooner or later. You can't hold them anymore than you can hold the moonlight. But if they've touched you, if they're inside of you, then they're still in you."
The love that this man has for all of us, the same love that we have for him... you can actually feel it swirling around the room, felt by only us, invisible to the naked eye. Kind of like those tiny dust particles that you can only see when the sun shines through a window just right.
"I leave you with this quote from George Bernard Shaw," he says with a confident smile. It is in this moment that I realize that a ledged stands before me. I will forever be impacted by what this man has done for me. "Our actions in life carry a delicate balance of blame and gratuity. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing," he turns to Abbey and hugs her. A quick glance from her, in my direction, verifies what I had expected. She's crying too.
Before I even realize what is happening, we're all hugging and chattering away at a million miles a minute. I know I will never lose these people, that they'll always be around when I need them, but that still doesn't change the fact that things will never again be like they are right here, right now.
And that's when it hits me. Things between Josh and I... in the blink of an eye I can change all of it and what if its not for better but for worse, what if I leave and...
That's it. My minds made up, there's no way I can go to Harvard. I shake my head and look up to find everyone staring at me.
"Donna..." Josh's voice seems miles away.
"Yeah?" I bet my eyes are as big as saucers.
"I believe you have an announcement to make?" the President suggests and I freeze.
There is no way this will end well.