The Great Plot Bunny Caper
Part 6 – The merciful end
Vladimir and Marya were sitting at the table in the barracks when Colonel Hogan entered. He stopped when he saw them. "What are you two doing in this story?" he asked.
"We're just taking a break from the other story, Hogan darling," Marya said. She motioned at the figure sitting behind the computer screen. "This writer here abandoned us for all of this Plot Bunny mania."
"As far as I'm concerned, you can have him back," Hogan said.
"But Colonel, you are in that story too," Vladimir said. "In fact, you are in the scene that was left hanging when he ran off with the Plot Bunnies."
"He didn't leave me in a ravine or anything, did he?" Hogan asked.
"No, I think that was one of the other writers," Marya said. "Would you like me tom come and keep you company in that ravine?" she asked suggestively.
"So you are here just to pass the time until your story picks up again?" Hogan asked.
Vladimir shook his head. "No Colonel, I think the main reason we are here is to talk about the other story, which will be called 'Two Missions for the Price of One' unless the writer decides to change the name again," he said.
"So you are here for ... advertising?" Hogan asked. "I don't believe it!"
"I don't see why not. You've seen what he's done with the first 5 chapters," Marya said.
Hogan sighed. "I guess you are right."
"Well, we should be getting back. Good luck with the rest of this story," Vladimir said as he rose from the table and followed Marya to the bunk that served as the tunnel entrance. Before he climbed down, he looked back at Hogan. "Oh and Colonel, if it's any consolation to you, you don't sigh as much in the other story."
"Gee thanks," Hogan replied.
After Vladimir and Marya left, the door to the barracks opened and Jack and Peter walked in.
"We're all set Colonel," Jack said. "We've got the map from Hochstetter."
"What? But we didn't stage a diversion so you could sneak in to the building to steal it. We didn't even get to hatch a cockeyed plan to make Major Hochstetter look like a fool in the process," Hogan said.
Jack shook his head. "No need Colonel. You see, you wasted so much time in the previous chapters, so you couldn't accomplish it in this chapter. It is the last chapter of this story."
"Are you sure?" Hogan asked warily.
Jack nodded. "It's a Fan Fiction Writer Guild rule. Any story written as a challenge that features Plot Bunnies, contains historical inaccuracies, plot incongruities, Mary Sue elements, or such special elements as sound effects or advertising cannot exceed 6 chapters," he said. "Punishment for breaking the rule is to have to read your own fiction exclusively for a period not to exceed 6 months."
Hogan nodded. "I see, that would be a stiff punishment for this writer," he said. "I guess this will be the last chapter after all."
At that moment, Atlas rushed into the room. "How did he open the door?" Hogan asked.
Jack and Peter shrugged. "Another plot incongruity," Jack said pointing at the open door.
Atlas trotted up to Hogan and dropped a bunch of paper into his lap. Hogan patted the dog on the head, looking at the wet pieces of paper sitting there. Atlas wagged his tail and then headed out the door again.
"And I wonder what these are," Hogan mused.
"Oh great," he said. "Now this joker has me musing. This is getting to be too much."
Jack and Peter headed towards the tunnel entrance. "Well we should be going," Peter said. "We'll leave you to those Plot Bunnies."
"You mean these are the dreaded Plot Bunnies that have been causing all of this trouble?" he asked.
"At least some of them," Jack said. "Treat them carefully Colonel, or else you might get stuck in this story forever. Good luck!"
Both men climbed down into the tunnel. Hogan didn't even ask how they would get back to London. The way this story is going, they would sprout wings and fly back themselves.
The barracks door opened again, which surprised Hogan. It was open when the dog ran through, and he didn't remember it being shut. Major Hochstetter poked his head into the doorway and looked around. "Are you ready now Colonel?" he asked. Hogan nodded and the door shut gently.
Almost immediately the door slammed open and Hochstetter stormed into the room. "Alright Hogan, where is it?" he asked.
"Where is what Major?" Hogan replied. "There have been so many "its" in this story that I can't keep track of them all."
"The map, it was stolen and I know you had something to do with it!" Hochstetter growled.
"What map Major? I don't remember seeing any map." Hogan said.
Hochstetter pulled a booklet out of his uniform coat and started flipping pages. "I know it's in here," he grumbled as he turned the pages. He found the one he was looking for and stopped. 'There," he said, pointing to the page. "It says here in this script that you were responsible for taking the map."
"I'm sorry Major, but we haven't been following that script since chapter 1," Hogan said. "I'm afraid I don't have whatever map you are talking about."
"You don't?" Hochstetter asked. "Berlin is not going to like this," he said.
"Are you sure it's missing Major?" Hogan asked. "If you've been following that script, you might have missed something. Maybe you should go back and look again."
"Yes, maybe you are right," Hochstetter mused.
"Hey – enough of this musing! There has been enough of that in this story already!" Hogan said forcefully to the writer. "And no more sighs either. I'm getting sick of it!"
Hochstetter looked at Hogan. "What are you yelling at Colonel?" he asked. "You look like I do in just about every episode I am in."
Hogan almost-but-not-quite sighed. "It's gotten that bad around here," he said dejectedly.
Hochstetter looked at Hogan. "I'd better go. I have this feeling that if I stay in this chapter too long, I'll be saying things like 'bah' and yelling and screaming." He walked towards the door, looking around for this person that Hogan was talking to.
As he was leaving, the rest of the cast burst through the door. Hogan was surprised to see Klink and Schultz with his men.
"Alright, where is he," Newkirk shouted. "Get him out here now."
"Who are you talking about?" Hogan asked.
"This writer that has been making life miserable for us," Kinch said. "Do you realize that none of us were in this last chapter?"
"You're here now," Hogan said.
"This doesn't count," Newkirk said. "We came to demand better treatment from this writer."
Hogan looked at Klink. "And why are you here Kommandant?" he asked.
"I'm with them," he said. "I haven't been used since chapter 1. I had to crash chapter 4 just to make another appearance. Schultz here hasn't been used since chapter 3, but he was too busy eating to crash any other chapters. It seems that your writer person neglected to give him anything to eat in this story."
"Hey, he's not MY writer!" Hogan said defensively. "If it were up to me, I'd say we lock this person in the cooler and throw away the key!"
Just then, the barracks door opened and both Helga and Hilda walked into the room. They both walked over to Hogan.
"And what are you two doing here?" he asked them.
"We're here for you Colonel," Helga said.
Hilda nodded. "That's right. You haven't kissed any women in this story, and we were written in at the last minute so that we could correct this plot discrepancy."
Hogan smiled. "Then again gentlemen, maybe this writer isn't all that bad after all!"
"I still think General Burkhalter is the lucky one," Schultz muttered.
Just then, the barracks door opened again, and General Albert Burkhalter walked in. He was dripping wet and had a towel wrapped around his waist. In his hand he carried a bath brush. He walked over to Schultz and hit the sergeant on the helmet with the bath brush and walked out of the barracks.
Part 6 – The merciful end
Vladimir and Marya were sitting at the table in the barracks when Colonel Hogan entered. He stopped when he saw them. "What are you two doing in this story?" he asked.
"We're just taking a break from the other story, Hogan darling," Marya said. She motioned at the figure sitting behind the computer screen. "This writer here abandoned us for all of this Plot Bunny mania."
"As far as I'm concerned, you can have him back," Hogan said.
"But Colonel, you are in that story too," Vladimir said. "In fact, you are in the scene that was left hanging when he ran off with the Plot Bunnies."
"He didn't leave me in a ravine or anything, did he?" Hogan asked.
"No, I think that was one of the other writers," Marya said. "Would you like me tom come and keep you company in that ravine?" she asked suggestively.
"So you are here just to pass the time until your story picks up again?" Hogan asked.
Vladimir shook his head. "No Colonel, I think the main reason we are here is to talk about the other story, which will be called 'Two Missions for the Price of One' unless the writer decides to change the name again," he said.
"So you are here for ... advertising?" Hogan asked. "I don't believe it!"
"I don't see why not. You've seen what he's done with the first 5 chapters," Marya said.
Hogan sighed. "I guess you are right."
"Well, we should be getting back. Good luck with the rest of this story," Vladimir said as he rose from the table and followed Marya to the bunk that served as the tunnel entrance. Before he climbed down, he looked back at Hogan. "Oh and Colonel, if it's any consolation to you, you don't sigh as much in the other story."
"Gee thanks," Hogan replied.
After Vladimir and Marya left, the door to the barracks opened and Jack and Peter walked in.
"We're all set Colonel," Jack said. "We've got the map from Hochstetter."
"What? But we didn't stage a diversion so you could sneak in to the building to steal it. We didn't even get to hatch a cockeyed plan to make Major Hochstetter look like a fool in the process," Hogan said.
Jack shook his head. "No need Colonel. You see, you wasted so much time in the previous chapters, so you couldn't accomplish it in this chapter. It is the last chapter of this story."
"Are you sure?" Hogan asked warily.
Jack nodded. "It's a Fan Fiction Writer Guild rule. Any story written as a challenge that features Plot Bunnies, contains historical inaccuracies, plot incongruities, Mary Sue elements, or such special elements as sound effects or advertising cannot exceed 6 chapters," he said. "Punishment for breaking the rule is to have to read your own fiction exclusively for a period not to exceed 6 months."
Hogan nodded. "I see, that would be a stiff punishment for this writer," he said. "I guess this will be the last chapter after all."
At that moment, Atlas rushed into the room. "How did he open the door?" Hogan asked.
Jack and Peter shrugged. "Another plot incongruity," Jack said pointing at the open door.
Atlas trotted up to Hogan and dropped a bunch of paper into his lap. Hogan patted the dog on the head, looking at the wet pieces of paper sitting there. Atlas wagged his tail and then headed out the door again.
"And I wonder what these are," Hogan mused.
"Oh great," he said. "Now this joker has me musing. This is getting to be too much."
Jack and Peter headed towards the tunnel entrance. "Well we should be going," Peter said. "We'll leave you to those Plot Bunnies."
"You mean these are the dreaded Plot Bunnies that have been causing all of this trouble?" he asked.
"At least some of them," Jack said. "Treat them carefully Colonel, or else you might get stuck in this story forever. Good luck!"
Both men climbed down into the tunnel. Hogan didn't even ask how they would get back to London. The way this story is going, they would sprout wings and fly back themselves.
The barracks door opened again, which surprised Hogan. It was open when the dog ran through, and he didn't remember it being shut. Major Hochstetter poked his head into the doorway and looked around. "Are you ready now Colonel?" he asked. Hogan nodded and the door shut gently.
Almost immediately the door slammed open and Hochstetter stormed into the room. "Alright Hogan, where is it?" he asked.
"Where is what Major?" Hogan replied. "There have been so many "its" in this story that I can't keep track of them all."
"The map, it was stolen and I know you had something to do with it!" Hochstetter growled.
"What map Major? I don't remember seeing any map." Hogan said.
Hochstetter pulled a booklet out of his uniform coat and started flipping pages. "I know it's in here," he grumbled as he turned the pages. He found the one he was looking for and stopped. 'There," he said, pointing to the page. "It says here in this script that you were responsible for taking the map."
"I'm sorry Major, but we haven't been following that script since chapter 1," Hogan said. "I'm afraid I don't have whatever map you are talking about."
"You don't?" Hochstetter asked. "Berlin is not going to like this," he said.
"Are you sure it's missing Major?" Hogan asked. "If you've been following that script, you might have missed something. Maybe you should go back and look again."
"Yes, maybe you are right," Hochstetter mused.
"Hey – enough of this musing! There has been enough of that in this story already!" Hogan said forcefully to the writer. "And no more sighs either. I'm getting sick of it!"
Hochstetter looked at Hogan. "What are you yelling at Colonel?" he asked. "You look like I do in just about every episode I am in."
Hogan almost-but-not-quite sighed. "It's gotten that bad around here," he said dejectedly.
Hochstetter looked at Hogan. "I'd better go. I have this feeling that if I stay in this chapter too long, I'll be saying things like 'bah' and yelling and screaming." He walked towards the door, looking around for this person that Hogan was talking to.
As he was leaving, the rest of the cast burst through the door. Hogan was surprised to see Klink and Schultz with his men.
"Alright, where is he," Newkirk shouted. "Get him out here now."
"Who are you talking about?" Hogan asked.
"This writer that has been making life miserable for us," Kinch said. "Do you realize that none of us were in this last chapter?"
"You're here now," Hogan said.
"This doesn't count," Newkirk said. "We came to demand better treatment from this writer."
Hogan looked at Klink. "And why are you here Kommandant?" he asked.
"I'm with them," he said. "I haven't been used since chapter 1. I had to crash chapter 4 just to make another appearance. Schultz here hasn't been used since chapter 3, but he was too busy eating to crash any other chapters. It seems that your writer person neglected to give him anything to eat in this story."
"Hey, he's not MY writer!" Hogan said defensively. "If it were up to me, I'd say we lock this person in the cooler and throw away the key!"
Just then, the barracks door opened and both Helga and Hilda walked into the room. They both walked over to Hogan.
"And what are you two doing here?" he asked them.
"We're here for you Colonel," Helga said.
Hilda nodded. "That's right. You haven't kissed any women in this story, and we were written in at the last minute so that we could correct this plot discrepancy."
Hogan smiled. "Then again gentlemen, maybe this writer isn't all that bad after all!"
"I still think General Burkhalter is the lucky one," Schultz muttered.
Just then, the barracks door opened again, and General Albert Burkhalter walked in. He was dripping wet and had a towel wrapped around his waist. In his hand he carried a bath brush. He walked over to Schultz and hit the sergeant on the helmet with the bath brush and walked out of the barracks.