The Great Plot Bunny Caper
Epilogue 2 - It AIn't Over Until ...
Colonel Hogan stood still, staring straight ahead. He didn't move when the men entered the barracks.
"Hey, look at the Colonel," Newkirk said. "What's he up to?"
"HE'S back again," Kinch said, motioning towards the computer screen. A collective groan rose from the men. "And the Colonel is not happy about it."
"I am on strike for this story," Hogan said, without moving. "The union said that these type of stories could only be 6 chapters long. I went along with the Epilogue because I thought we finally got rid of that guy. But now this is too much."
"So you are just going to stand there?" LeBeau asked.
Hogan was silent.
"So what are we going to do in this story?" LeBeau asked. "Without the Colonel, we won't be able to plan our missions!"
Suddenly, a man dressed in a safari outfit appeared in the middle of the barracks.
"Any time, night or day, you can call on Dr. Bombay," the man said. Hogan's men stared at him.
"Who are you?" Newkirk asked.
"He's a character from another genre," Hogan said without moving. "This writer likes to do that because he hasn't the imagination to think up any original characters."
The man looked around the barracks. "Oops," he said. "I think I've popped onto the wrong set. Don't worry lads, I'll be right back." Suddenly the man disappeared.
"I don't get it," Carter said.
"Now there's a first," Newkirk said sarcastically.
"Hey, there's no need to be sarcastic!" Carter exclaimed. "I have a fan club, you know." Newkirk rolled his eyes. "Anyway, what I don't get is that in the Epilogue, this ditzy writer was bludgeoned to death by that musician prisoner. So how's he back writing?"
"It's simple Carter," Kinch explained. "This part was written before the Epilogue."
"But if that is the case, then how come we are mentioning things that happened in the Epilogue?" Carter asked again.
Kinch was silent, looking at the writer off in the shadows. After a while he said, "Well, are you going to have me explain it to him?"
At that moment, the door to Hogan's office opened and Colonel Rodney Crittendon entered the room.
"I guess this means you aren't," Kinch muttered.
"Wot ho, lads!" Crittendon said. "Sorry about the mix up earlier. I got the call up suddenly and got mixed up on what genre I was supposed to be used in a totally inane guest appearance role today."
"And just what are you doing here today?" Baker asked.
"Why, I'm here because of him," Crittendon answered, pointing his thumb at the motionless Colonel Hogan. "Jolly bad for morale to go without a leader for very long."
"This isn't exactly helping my morale," Newkirk said. "I think I'd rather host a game show."
Carter opened his mouth to ask what a game show was, but before he could speak, the barracks door opened and in walked the Kommandant, followed by Schultz. The pair walked up to Colonel Hogan.
"Hogan?" Klink asked, getting no reply. Klink looked around the room. "What's wrong with him?" he asked the men.
"He's on strike sir," Kinch answered. "We're in another one of those wonderfully funny farces that we've been having to perform in lately."
Everyone looked at Kinch in astonishment. He looked back and shrugged. "Don't blame me, I didn't write the dialog." Everyone turned to glare at the writer for a second.
More seconds passed and the men continued to glare. After a few minutes, Klink said, "I hope he continues writing soon, I'm getting tired of glaring." Heads nodded in agreement.
Then Klink looked at Hogan. "He's got the right idea," he said.
Schultz spoke up. "I wonder if Gener ..." he started to say.
Hogan suddenly reached over and put his hand over the sergeants mouth. "No Schultz, don't say that name. You remember what happened last time." Schultz nodded and Hogan removed his hand.
"Thank you Colonel," Schultz said. Hogan didn't reply, having gone back to his motionless stare. "I wonder if we'll see Major Hochstetter?" Schultz asked.
Suddenly, a disembodied voice echoed through the barracks. "BAH!!!"
"Blimey, what in blazes was that?" asked a surprised Crittendon.
Klink looked over, seeing Crittendon for the first time. "Oh, you're here," he said. "You must have come for the buffet lunch we having in the Kantine." Crittendon nodded. "I don't know what that noise was. It happened right after Schultz asked about Major Hochstetter."
The disembodied voice was back, shaking the anemic looking barracks walls. "WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE???"
Klink looked over at the writer. "I resent that statement," he said. "Anemic looking walls indeed. Let's see what you could do with the budget I am given to run this camp!"
"Kommandant, just ignore him," Kinch said. "It does no good to try to banter with him. He'll just change the subject."
Carter was looking around, an amused glint in his eye. He opened his mouth to say something and Hogan suddenly yelled, "Carter, don't you DARE say that man's name!" Carter shut his mouth and looked around sheepishly.
Suddenly, a woman dressed in a brightly colored flowing gown appeared in the middle of the barracks. "Calling Dr. Bombay. You are wanted right away."
The men stared. Carter pointed and said "Who, or what, is THAT?"
The woman glared at Carter. "Watch yourself, young man," she said. "Or I shall have to turn you into a toad."
"It might be better if you turned him into a bullfrog," Newkirk jested. "After all, he is from Bullfrog North Dakota." He smiled his cute smile and resisted a sudden urge to kiss the strange woman and yell, "The survey says!"
"And you," she said, looking at Newkirk. "I might just have to turn you into the police."
"Endora, what are you doing in this genre?" Crittendon asked.
"You are needed to guest star in our genre," she said. "I think it has something to do with little blue creatures with long ears hopping around. I believe they called them Plot Bunnies." Having said that, she waved her arms and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Crittendon looked around. "Well chaps, gotta go," he said. "Duty calls. Chin up fellows. This story can't go on forever." At that, he completely vanished.
"Blimey," Newkirk exclaimed. "I knew that Crittendon was strange, but this is too much!"
"Do you think he was right about this story?" Klink asked.
"It's hard to tell," Kinch replied. "It already seems to have gone on for too long."
"I wonder when it will end," Schultz wondered. He then stopped and wondered why he had wondered twice in that last sentence. Then he thought that it would be a wonder if he ever survived this story.
"I think I'll go back to my office and make a phone call," Klink said. "General Burkhalter might know."
Hogan slapped his forehead and muttered, "Oh no."
The barracks door opened and in walked General Burkhalter. He was dressed in a funny outfit and had a blonde wig on his head. He walked into the room, struck a pose and opened his mouth. A high soprano filled the room as the General began singing.
The men were flabbergasted.
"What is that?" Carter asked.
"It sounds like an aria from La Scala," Kinch replied.
Baker shook his head. "No, it sounds more like Aida," he said.
"No, it's La Boheme," Klink said.
"What I would like to know," Carter began, "is how he can sing so high."
Hogan spoke from where he was standing. "It's best not to think about that Carter," he said.
Carter started to ask why, but was cut off by Kinch. "I wonder when he will stop?" he asked.
Just then, the General stopped singing, curtsied to the group, and sauntered out of the barracks.
"Since when did General Burkhalter ever saunter?" Schultz asked.
"I guess since he started wearing blonde wigs and singing arias from famous operas," Newkirk replied.
Kinch started smiling. "You know what this means, don't you?" he asked. Everyone shook their heads. "It means the story is over!"
"How do you figure?" Le Beau asked.
"You know the old saying," Kinch replied. "It ain't over until ..." He was cut off by Hogan.
"Until the fat General sings," Hogan said.
"Well, Burkhalter definitely qualifies," Klink said.
Everyone stood around looking at one another. They glanced at the writer and cleared their throats noisily.
"It sure takes a long time to end a story," Schultz said. There was more silence as everyone stood around looking at one another.
Suddenly Carter said, "Hey Colonel, did you notice that I didn't say Hochstetter?"
The disembodied voice thundered through the barracks. "HEADS WILL ROLL!!!!"
Hogan sighed. "Carter!!"