Chapter 15

Making Memories

"So what do you know about Snape?" Bella asked, looking at Draco, and shading her eyes from the sun.

He shrugged. "He's known father for a long time, and he used to visit now and then. I was a little scared of him, when I was really young." He laughed a little, picking a blade of grass.

"I can see why. Imposing fellow."

They were lying on the grass in the dappled shade of the trees, doing nothing in particular. The long week had finally ended, and the weekend seemed all too short in comparison. Bella still felt keyed up because of all that had happened in the last few days, and she had made up her mind that just about anything could happen now and it wouldn't surprise her. Unfortunately, it seemed like Draco didn't know any more than she did about where Snape had been for the first half of the year. What he did know only teased her curiosity.

She sighed and flopped back on the grass. It was good to be outside in the golden light of the fading day, with nothing left to do and nowhere she had to be. She looked at Draco lying next to her, staring up at the trees. He looked like he was thinking, so absorbed that he didn't notice her watching him. He looked unreal in the late daylight, his blonde hair and grey eyes absorbing the sun, making him look golden and unearthly and not quite human. She found she liked the sight the more she looked at him, her eyes lingering on the shadows around his jaw and cheekbones. She felt herself blush. It wasn't the first time she'd looked at him this way, but now, for any number of reasons, it was easier to let her mind drift into these happy, foolish daydreams. It seemed more possible to like him this way, with her spirits higher, and her mind a little clearer.

Oh, he doesn't even know, does he? He's got no idea that I'm looking at him like this, thought Bella dizzily. He's probably thinking about something important, like wondering when he'll see his father again. And I'm just sitting here drooling. She smiled to herself.

"Bella?"

"Mm?" she answered, snapping out of her thoughts.

"Do you like it here? At Hogwarts, I mean?"

"Yeah. I mean, I like it as a school, I've learned a lot, even from Carmichael. But you don't mean that, do you?"

"No. I mean the other students. It's hard not to notice nowadays. They're all so...afraid."

"Are you surprised? We're not exactly on neutral ground. People don't want to make eye contact with us, Draco. I think it's us they're afraid of."

"That's what I don't like."

"I'd have thought you wouldn't mind. It's not as though you like the people you frighten. What did you call them, 'fools and Mudbloods'?"

"Well, yes," he said, with a trace of a smile. "But I was thinking of you."

"What about me?"

"Oh, I don't know...I can tell it gets to you, being here. It makes you nervous when someone talks about capturing father, or the others. I don't care what they think about me, and I'm sure they think the worst. But you don't deserve this, to have to hide here with these idiots until something happens."

Bella opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn't find the right words. She was touched by his concern, even though he'd misread her worries. He was watching her, searching her face. "Draco...don't worry about me," she said quietly, "I don't care what the rest of the school thinks. We've only got a year and a half left. And you've got it wrong. I wasn't worried about people being scared of me, I was worried for you. You know how I am, I hate being here, not doing anything to help anyone, and with your father in prison, it was awful. I guess I haven't been myself for a while, but it's looking up now, isn't it? I'll say it a thousand times, the rest of the world can go right to hell, and I won't care a fig a long as you and your family and the few people I know here get through it alive." This wasn't quite the truth, but it felt honest as she said it. "We'll get through."

The smile returned, but his eyes were still serious. "I know we will. But I can't stand it, being locked up with these Muggle-loving fools, acting like we want them to come out on top. If it was just me, I wouldn't care either. But after everything, I wish it could go better for you. I'm sure you can handle it all, but I wish you didn't need to. You deserve better."

"Why would I?" she asked, hearing something fierce and protective in his voice and not quite understanding it.

"Bella, what do you think would happen if there were a dementor here right now? I'd feel sad and frightened and awful, but..."

"You wouldn't freeze up and tip over like I would?" she finished, smiling at him.

"I don't know what's happened to you, I don't know what you see. But after all that, whatever it was, you shouldn't have to worry about more. You belong to this world, and you're back with your own. And even that's not enough to keep you safe from it, for now anyway." Those last words were spoken hopefully, but a little ironically, as though challenging whatever he was hoping for to get on with it and happen.

"I've had a hard life, Draco, full of trials and hardships and obstacles and all that rot. I got through that okay. And you and your family and even this school, they're the best things that ever happened to me. The past is past, and I can't change it. I wouldn't change it, because if it weren't for all the muck I had to slog through to get where I am, I'd be someone else completely. I've got all I need."

His smile broadened and warmed his eyes a little. In a quiet, half disbelieving voice, "Merlin's beard, you really are unsinkable, aren't you?"

She laughed. "It's what I do. For fourteen years, it was like I was a drifter, hitchhiking from one bunch of strangers to the next. Sometimes it was easy, and I was happy. Sometimes it wasn't so easy. But I always came out on top, and that's what I'm going to do this time. And I'm pulling you and the others through if it kills me." She grabbed his arm and gave it a playful tug.

"Was it really like that?" he asked softly.

She nodded silently, watching him watching her. He looked honestly curious. "I think if my life were a landscape it would be nothing but crags and gorges."

"I know I've had it easy, and I know everyone has hard times. It just seems like you've had your share." He laid his hand over hers.

"That's sweet, Draco," she said earnestly. "But think of it this way. Carmichael said something about memories the other day that's a lot truer than you might think. If it weren't for the bad ones, the good ones would seem ordinary. And I've got enough of both that I know the difference, that's all." She smiled at him reassuringly, lacing her fingers through his. She wasn't used to being worried about, and didn't know how to react. She saw Draco glance down to their clasped hands, and when he looked back up at her, there was a gleam in his eyes that she didn't know how to react to either.

"I wish I could see it that way. Bad is so awful when good seems normal." His voice was lower, quieter.

"Then make your own good memories."

"Like what?" he asked softly, but something in his voice told her he needn't have asked that question.

She slid a little closer and he lifted his hand to touch her hair. "Can I give you one?"

Before he could answer she moved in and kissed him. She acted without thinking, without knowing exactly what to do. But it didn't matter anymore.

She liked the way his lips felt against hers, silky and warm, but harder than her own, the way she'd imagined a man's lips would feel. Ever since she'd given a fig for the opposite sex, she'd like the little differences between men and women, the subtle differences in their faces and movements. She found herself enjoying the broader set of his shoulders, the different shape of his hands.

I just did that, she thought. That was my first kiss I was wrong, I am surprised. She felt tingly and warm as she watched him draw back smiling.

"I'm very happy now," whispered Draco, slipping his arm around her and stroking her cheek fondly. He kissed her on the forehead.

Bella leaned her head against his shoulder and looked up at him. "Me too," she whispered in his ear. "Let's do that again."