Chapter Five: The Knot Is Slipping

This one's for Merith, who is apparently trapped between Scylla and Charybdis, and for Niamh, who knows what that means. ;) Oh, yeah, the fact that Kouga isn't characterized very well is my fault. Sorry.

Chapter title and epigraph is from "Love Is Blindness" by U2.

***

Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me

***

The sun had just fully risen over the horizon when Kouga set Kagome down gently near the cave entrance. "This is where our sick packmates come to recover." It was a small, dismal cave several hundred yards away from the main pack complex. The only thing recommending it was the small freshwater stream running past. At least I won't have to haul water, Kagome thought. Brushing at her hair, hopelessly tangled into elf-locks from the whirlwind, she ducked into the cave. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she saw that this cave had been left basically untouched. Smelling of sickness and damp, none of the few amenities that had been put into the other caves were here. Only a few furs piled in the center of the room hinted at this cave's use. A small pathetic pile of huddled forms lay atop these.

Kouga knelt next to the pile, stroking the hair of the child who was on top of the heap. "It's all right, Kagome. You smell enough like pack now that you won't disturb them." She knelt next to him, feeling the heat radiating off the children. He shook his head, looking sorrowful. "They're no better today."

"Do they have names?" Kagome said quietly, reaching down to pet the child. His hair was kitten-soft underneath her fingers.

"Not yet. We wait until they're fully grown to give them real names."

"Then how do you call them?"

Kouga looked blank for a moment before leaning down to the child and yipping softly in a quick pattern. The child stirred in response.

Kagome chuckled softly. "I can't do that."

Kouga smiled almost shyly. "It's all right. This one on top is the eldest male. There are seven of them. Five males and two females. If you can't save them all, try to save the females. We need them more."

"I understand," Kagome said, hearing the anguish underneath the matter-of-fact tone. She touched his hand gently. "I'll try to save as many as I can. I promise."

He nodded. "You don't know what it means to me. That you came." His eyes glowed electric-blue in the shadows.

"It doesn't mean what you're hoping it means," she said as gently as she could manage through a wave of frustration. Why won't he understand? How many times do I have to say no? "You're my friend, Kouga. I know what the cubs mean to you."

His jaw set and she almost groaned. "It's traditionally the pack leader's mate who takes care of the cubs." Kouga turned his hand to grasp hers. "Kagome--"

Kagome withdrew her hand. "That's not why I'm doing this."

His eyes shuttered. Kagome could almost see him retreat back into the familiar role of brash pack leader. I'm sorry, Kouga. But I don't belong with you. Kouga stood up, moving back towards the cave entrance. "What do you need from me?" he said brusquely.

Relieved beyond words to return to the safe topic of sickness, Kagome looked around the cave. "Well... firewood. And a lantern. And something to make tea in." She frowned, dimly remembering an old nature special on wolves and their cubs. "Um... how do you normally feed the cubs?"

Kouga grinned. "We eat stew when we're human-shaped. Don't worry."

Kagome sighed in relief. "Okay. I might need to go out for herbs later, too."

"I'll take you." She glanced up at the apologetic note in his voice. "I'm sorry, Kagome, but I can't let you near the rest of the pack. I'm worried about this spreading."

Kagome stared at him. "I'm doing this alone? By myself? Kouga, I can't work miracles. I'm not a doc-- a trained healer. I kill my goldfish."

Kouga frowned, obviously wondering what a goldfish was. "Kagome, you saved my life when I was being poisoned by Naraku's miasma. I know you take care of that... hanyou. I'm just asking you to try."

She swallowed. "But--"

"Please. If they die, at least someone will have tried to save them." He looked down at the cubs, his face strained. "Someone who gave a damn."

"I'll try," she said after a long silence. "But I hope your pack is as understanding as you are."

He scuffed the ground with his foot. "They don't know you're here."

Kagome felt her jaw drop.

He shrugged. "Some of them think that we're fated for death. That Kagura's slaughter was a sign to join our warriors in the afterlife. They think the cubs being sick is another sign, that our pack is meant to die out."

"You're defying your own pack," she whispered. "Oh, Kouga, if they find out...."

"I don't give a damn what happens to me," he said. "As long as we have a chance." He paused, silhouetted against the light. "I'll be back around midday."

Kagome nodded, thankful his vision was sharp enough to see her in the dim light. She didn't think her dry throat would let her speak. She sagged back on her heels, staring at the small forms curled together. The oldest boy whimpered, stirring atop his littermates before subsiding. There was so much riding on these cubs. And now, there was so much riding on her.

I can't do it, she thought. I can't. There's no possible way I can do what he's asking. I don't know anything. Some wound treatments, maybe, that I learned from Kaede, and stuff I have in my pack, but not sickness, not youkai sickness. I can't possibly do this. She swallowed, fighting against the urge to curl up by the too-warm children and slip into the dream world. My Inuyasha would understand. There are some things that I can't do. He'd forgive me. And maybe I could stay there and I'd never have to come out again and people would stop asking me to do impossible things-- Kagome drew her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth. Somebody, help me. I can't do this.

Slowly, like a clear spring rising in a pool of filthy water, she became aware of a calmness spreading in her mind. Borne on the calm was a familiar question she'd never heard before.

What is the first rule of the sickroom? A gruff voice; an older woman's voice. But not Kaede's.

"I don't know," Kagome whispered. "I don't know anything."

The serenity spread further, pushing the panic away. What is the first rule of the sickroom?

"I don't--" she stopped, frowning. She did know. It was there, drifting at the edge of her mind. "The first rule of the sickroom... is 'No strong emotions.'" As she said the words, she automatically drew in a deep breath and let it out, letting the terror dissipate with the breath. "Anger, fear, sorrow: all these things have no place in a healer's mind." She looked down at the cubs. "But what do I do for them?" Dimly, she wondered at the trust she felt for this voice.

Name three basic fever remedies.

Kagome closed her eyes, letting the answer flow to her as the calmness finished pushing aside the last of her panic attack. "Three basic fever remedies... cold baths, poplar bud tea, and white willow bark. But the last one... I looked that up once. That's just aspirin. I have it in my pack."

You know what to do. Now do it.

She nodded and pulled her pack to her, digging through it for her swimsuit.

***

Inuyasha paused on one of the ledges jutting from the mountain ridge. He could still smell Kagome's scent mingled with Kouga's, and it sawed at his already frayed nerves. What the fuck was she thinkin'? He shows up and she runs off with him? Is that what she's been wantin' all this time? Is that why she's been wakin' up all flushed and-- He clamped down hard on that thought, choosing instead to turn his mind to how, exactly, he was going to disembowel the wolf prince. Just fuckin' shows up and walks off with her, and Miroku just stands there and lets him....

A few more jumps brought him to the top of the ridge, where a stream spilled down in a burst of spray. Kagome's scent was born on the wind now, and it was unmixed with Kouga's. Inuyasha shoved the relief he felt deep into the back of his mind. If he's not with her, what the hell is she doin' here? He brought her out to the middle of fuckin' nowhere and left her? Some prince.

The terrain here was rocky; boulders jutted from the ground, and tough little scrub bushes fought the poor soil and each other for survival. But it was cover, which meant that with any luck, he could keep the wolf pack from noticing his arrival. His mood was sufficiently black that he didn't mind contemplating slaughtering the rest of the pack he'd once been accused of murdering, but.... She'd sit me right off the edge of the fuckin' cliff, and I could really do without a headache. He frowned as the breeze renewed her scent on the air. Mingled with the normal sweetness was a faint but definite sour tang of sickness. She's sick? She didn't smell sick when she left. He sped up, scowling. If he left her out here when she's sick, I'll break both his fuckin' arms and dump him off the cliff myself.

Rounding a bend in the stream, Inuyasha swore and ducked back behind a bush. Kagome stood in the middle of the stream almost directly across from him, singing softly to herself. He frowned through the branches at her. Okay, she's crazy about bein' clean, but not even Kagome would go this far for a bath. His ears flattened as he recognized the song. She'd sung it to Shippo some nights when the kit was feeling particularly whiny, even though none of them understood what the words meant. She said her mom sang it to her when she was sick. So what--

Kagome lifted something out of the water, cradling it to her chest. Inuyasha blinked to see a small wolf youkai child huddling against her. It whined softly, and she smiled down at it tenderly, wiping some water off its face. She ducked into a small cave, re-emerging moments later with a different child. Inuyasha's eyes cleared as he caught the sick smell renewed on the breeze. It ain't her that's sick, it's these pups. He brought her for the pups. Kagome paused by the stream, and Inuyasha saw her take a deep breath before wading in again. She lowered the child into the water and began to sing once more, gently washing the child's face and arms.

He swallowed as he got a better look at her. She wore some tight garment which covered only her torso, and it clung to that like it had been painted on. Dimly he remembered that she wore it when she wanted to splash in a stream without actually getting undressed. Damned if I know what the difference is. Inuyasha shifted uncomfortably, scowling harder. If Kouga sees her in that thing, I'm really gonna kill him. Water dampened the ends of Kagome's hair so it clung to her bare throat and arms. She murmured something to the pup and stooped to submerge it in the water. Inuyasha's mouth went dry. It's a damn good thing that water's cold, he thought grimly. I think I'm gonna need it. Kagome emerged, shaking her hair back. More water ran down her throat, down between her breasts, down.... Inuyasha jerked back and crouched low, gritting his teeth. Not now, damn it!

By the time he'd managed to convince himself he was not going to charge across the stream and find out exactly how she got into -- and out of -- that costume, Kagome had gone into the cave once more and re-emerged, wearing a baggy shirt with long sleeves. Inuyasha sighed, telling himself he was relieved, not disappointed. She rubbed at her hair with a towel, shivering. He frowned. Her mouth was dark, almost bruised-looking, and although her skin flushed pink as the sun warmed her, she was still shaking hard enough that even mortal eyes could have seen it from across the stream. Kagome sat down by the stream, wrapping the towel around her legs, and tilted her face up to the sun. She looked exhausted, the sun picking out the circles under her eyes. Inuyasha snarled under his breath. She's out here, alone, tired, takin' care of his pack's pups, and he's not fuckin' here? Keh. He says he wants her, but he sure don't treat her the way she deserves.

A sharp gust of wind stung his cheek and he swore mentally, scrambling to flatten himself further behind the bush. Kouga raced up to Kagome, skidding to a halt next to her. He dropped a lantern and a bundle of firewood next to her. "You want to go get those herbs?"

Kagome sighed, heaving herself to her feet. "Yeah. Just let me go put on some pants."

Kouga grinned. "Not necessary."

Inuyasha tensed, prepared to leap out and smear Kouga over the rocky soil. Kagome, however, beat him to it. "Knock it off, Kouga," she said sharply. "If you can't control yourself, you'd better not help me at all." Inuyasha blinked, not sure whether he wanted to cheer the sentiment or cringe at the razor-edge in her voice.

Kouga stared at Kagome for a long minute. "Very well," he said a little stiffly. "Let me know when you're ready."

Kagome stalked back into the cave. Kouga scanned the surroundings automatically, and Inuyasha drew back a little farther, grateful he was downwind. While pounding Kouga's head to the consistency of paste still sounded like a good idea, Kagome's attitude made him suspect that she'd have no compunction about using the rosary to do the same to him. Kagome walked out of the cave, pack slung over her shoulder. "We can go now," she said coolly. "They're sleeping."

"Okay." He turned, offering his back. "Climb on."

Kagome stepped away, and Inuyasha wished he could see her expression a little more clearly. "Um.... no."

Kouga peered at her over his shoulder, clearly puzzled. "Why not?"

She tilted her chin up. "I don't care to."

There was a silence. "Is that how he carries you?" Kouga said.

Another silence. "Don't ask," Kagome said quietly. "Please. I don't want to talk about it."

Kouga nodded and wrapped an impersonal arm about her waist. "You'll have to hold onto me a bit," he said. She nodded, putting her own arms around his waist. Inuyasha gritted his teeth -- he didn't give a damn if she did need to hold on, he didn't like it when she touched that wolf -- but managed to keep his cover. The whirlwind spiraled up around them, and they vanished into the distance. Inuyasha settled back onto his heels, frowning. He knew Kagome well enough to understand the messages she was sending Kouga. Even if she had motivations for agreeing to help the wolf other than kindness, they clearly weren't romantic ones. He shoved aside the pang of relief he felt to concentrate on the question looming in his mind.

If it wasn't Kouga who Kagome dreamed of at night.... If it wasn't Kouga who caused Kagome to wake flushed and content... who was it?

***

Kagome pushed her hair out of her eyes wearily. Dawn tinted the sky outside the pale pink of early cherry blossoms, but she couldn't appreciate the beauty of the mountain sunrise. The past day and night blurred together in her mind: endless rounds of making tea, bathing the cubs, finding out if wolf youkai were allergic to aspirin, on and on. And although the cubs had rallied a bit, their bodies responding to the respite brought by the cold water and poplar bud tea, the fevers still hadn't broken. I don't know how much longer they can go on; don't high fevers eventually lead to brain damage or something? Even if they are youkai, they're still children, and their strength has to be running out. She reached over, stroking the hair of one of the girl cubs. The little female whined, inclining her head into Kagome's hand. Kagome smiled tiredly. "Is it almost time to eat again, little one?" she whispered.

That had been an interesting experience; Kouga had brought a pot of stew, but no bowls, which meant she'd ended up dipping up stew by hand and feeding the cubs from her mouth. The first two cubs had ended up with more outside than in, she was certain, but by the fifth, she'd got the hang of it. And, she thought ruefully, it probably helped them get used to me even faster. Kagome sighed and crawled over to the pot half-buried in the ashes of the dying fire. Mmm. More pure meat stew. No seasoning at all. It's enough to make me miss school lunch. She wrapped her hand in the sleeve of her sweatshirt and pulled the pot out. Ten minutes and it should be cool enough for her to feed the cubs without burning her tongue.

She sat back on her heels, feeling a wave of fatigue and dizziness swamp her. She hadn't slept since Kouga had snatched her away from camp. She craved sleep -- even a dreamless, Inuyasha-less sleep -- more than a hot bath and dry clothes. I can't. I can't go to sleep. If I go to sleep, I won't wake up if they need me. Getting them through another day is more important than seeing my Inuyasha. Kagome sighed. Something moved in the periphery of her gaze and she frowned, her head snapping around. "Who's there?"

Her head spun again, but she shoved it aside, crawling back towards the cubs. For a second, she thought she'd seen small grey shapes climbing over the children. Her eyes widened as she got close enough to see in the dim light. Foul little goblins were clambering over the small bodies. "Hey!" she hissed. "Get away from them!" One of them paused to sneer up at her. She snatched at it, determined to keep it from hurting the cubs. It dissolved in her grasp like mist. Kagome stopped, gaping at her hand. What on earth? She reached out towards another one, and it, too, crumbled away at her touch.

I'm not going to wonder why this is working. Grimly, she brushed her fingers over each gremlin. With each touch, she felt her strength ebb a little more, but she persisted until all of them were gone. She huddled next to the cubs, seeing stars dance in her vision. I'm so tired. I barely have any energy left. She gritted her teeth and crawled back towards the pot. She heard Kouga calling her from outside, but she couldn't find the strength to reply. Maybe if I close my eyes for a moment, I'll be able to answer. She curled up on the bare rock, eyes drifting shut. I won't go to sleep, I'll just close my eyes....

Kouga ducked into the cave. "Kagome?" He smiled, seeing her asleep. Turning to the cubs, he reached down to check the temperature of the oldest boy. The cub's forehead was cool and lightly dewed with sweat. The fever had broken. Kouga sat back on his heels, awed. "Kagome," he murmured. "You say you have no training. I wonder what you'd become if you were trained."

"That's none of your damn business," a familiar, hated voice said from the cave entrance.

Kouga leapt to his feet, snarling. "What are you doing here?"

Inuyasha sneered at him. "I've been here the whole fuckin' time. Was pretty easy; I've known human pups sharper than you and your damned tribe." He crouched down by Kagome, shaking her gently. "Kagome?" Her mouth curved, but she didn't stir.

Kouga frowned. "Is she all right?"

Inuyasha picked Kagome up gently. "She will be after she gets over bein' worked to death," he snapped. He walked towards the cave entrance, ducking out into the morning light.

"Where the hell do you think you're taking her?" Kouga growled, following the hanyou.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. Why the hell is he pack leader? It ain't brawn, and it sure ain't brains. "I'm takin' her home, dumbass. Your pups are better, so you don't need her anymore."

Kouga glared at the hanyou's back. "I was going to let her stay here until she recovered."

Inuyasha shot a searing golden glare over his shoulder. "I ain't too impressed with your pack's hospitality."

"My pack," Kouga spat, "doesn't know she's here."

"Nice," Inuyasha said acidly. "Well, I'm takin' her back to where she don't have to hide from anybody."

"Put her down, you bastard," Kouga said softly. "Put her down so we can finish this."

"Suits me." Inuyasha stooped to put Kagome down on the ground, but her hands curled into his haori.

"Inuyasha," she whispered.

He froze. "K-kagome?"

She said nothing further, only tightened her grip.

Confused and shaken, Inuyasha looked up. Kouga's eyes were boring into him. "Take her home, dog-turd," the wolf prince growled. "Take her anywhere. Just--" he turned and stomped back into the cave.

Inuyasha looked down at Kagome's still face. "We're goin' home, Kagome," he said quietly. "Just hang on."

***

Oh my heart
Love is blindness