Yay for the most painful chapter yet! Argh. Anyway. Thanks and claps for my brand-new betas, Kat and Chris, who were willing to jump in in medias res. Love and a soothing shoulder massage for my Beta Classic, Merith. And, as always, grovelling adoration for Niamh, whose Yash muse will someday, I hope, forgive me.
As much as I've been able, I've used the official subtitle translations for Inuyasha's memories. Failing that, fansubs.
Chapter title and epigraph are from "My Immortal" by Evanescence, which has been horribly, horribly overused by every shipper fandom that currently exists. I'm so sorry, but damn it, I really like the song.
***
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
***
He couldn't put her down.
Inuyasha knew it was stupid -- she's fuckin' asleep, moron, what's she gonna do, wander off? -- but he couldn't bring himself to put her down. Even though it would've been just as easy to lash her wrists together with something and carry her the way he normally did, he simply couldn't bring himself to set her down, to stop feeling her hair blown against his face by the speed of their passage, to loosen her hands from her grasp on his clothing, to be unable to look down into her sleeping, smiling face as he ran....
Get a fuckin' grip! Besides, I don't carry her that way anymore. It stung, still. It had been two weeks since he'd carried her on his back. Two weeks since the morning she'd climbed onto Kirara's back between Miroku and Sango. Two weeks since she'd started sleeping so heavily. Two weeks since she'd said no more than she'd absolutely needed to around him. Two weeks since she'd touched him casually, or smiled at him, or made him smile. She hadn't even kept him company during his new moon vigil. Gods damn it.
Instead, she spent her waking hours drifting in a dreamy semi-trance, and her nights in a sleep so deep that there had been mornings Inuyasha had been convinced she wouldn't wake up. A few times, he'd sneaked into the hut to watch her sleep and make sure she was still breathing. He glanced down at her automatically, holding his own breath until he saw her chest move slightly. Inuyasha sighed in relief, but his thoughts rolled on, unbidden. And when she did wake up, she was flushed and distant, an odd smile hovering around her mouth. It made his chest tighten to remember when she'd smiled at him like that. Only two weeks ago, but it felt like a lifetime.
It was odd, the way the wind through his hair was so much colder without Kagome nestled against his back.
Inuyasha paused on a high branch for a moment to try to orient himself, and she stirred in his arms, murmuring. He looked down at her and gave into a moment of weakness, sitting down to settle against the tree trunk, cradling her closer to his chest. D'you remember, Kagome? The first time I saw you? It was burned into his memory: her brown eyes confused and not a little bit afraid, but quickly turning indignant.
My name is Kagome. Ka-go-me!
But I know one thing.... I don't want to die!
You really tried to kill me just now, didn't you?
I musta been really fuckin' out of it to think she was Kikyo, he mused, running an absent hand through her bangs. 'Course, that sealing spell did kick my ass pretty good.
Kikyo. Inuyasha exhaled slowly as the memory of his first love cast its shadow. Damn it. There was one thing about being sealed on the tree that made things a whole fuck of a lot easier: at least then he knew where he stood, or rather, hung. Granted, it was as good as death, but there was no arguing that things were simpler. Even after Kagome released him -- after it became clear that she was not Kikyo -- things were simpler. In fact, things didn't get fuckin' complicated until that damned bitch Urasue started fucking around with Kikyo's bones.
As had become reflex, Inuyasha felt something tighten within him at the idea that Kikyo's bones had been abused in such a way. He still felt the need to protect her, after so many years: through Kikyo's hate, her complete loathing of him, her desire to drag him into hell with her, her delivery of their jewel shards into Naraku's hand. It never occurred to him that she might not need it or want it. It just... was. He cared for her, he protected her... those weren't things someone just forgot. Granted, years had passed, but not for him. For Inuyasha, the wounds were healing, but sometimes the scabs cracked and bled. The knowledge that they'd been manipulated to betray each other still tore at him.
But as strong as the urge was to protect Kikyo -- to avenge her death and kill her killer -- he couldn't help but wonder whether Kagome would have been so fooled. Kagome, who had risked her life for his more than once. Kagome, who had clung to him, whispering his name. His name. Not Kouga's.
She's mine, growled an inner voice. She always was.
He ignored it and leapt back to the ground to continue traveling. But even as he ran, voices chased through his memory.
I want to know about all those sad memories you have.
Kagome is always beside me, now.
Can I stay with you?
That was, he reflected, the crazy fuckin' thing about Kagome. Kikyo had needed him. Needed him to chase away the pain and eldritch sorrow that haunted her eyes, needed him to live the life she wanted, needed him to become mortal. Human. She needed him still, to make Naraku pay for destroying the chance she'd had at being a normal woman. Needed him to make Naraku pay for her dying in pain and sorrow. And he needed to do it, so the anguish he felt for those tormented brown eyes might ease.
Kagome's eyes held no such pain. Rather than treating him as a bulwark, as her shield and sword, she tried to protect him. She pierced right through him like one of her arrows, her small hands sifting through all those memories he preferred to keep locked away. And like the pieces of the jewel that she purified, each dark shard of memory grew lighter, less painful at her touch. As each memory grew more bearable, he felt himself being reassembled into a whole: no longer splintered among human, hanyou, youkai.
I need her.
Those three small words solidified something in Inuyasha. To need, rather than to be needed, to know he could depend on her, rather than be the one always depended on... it was wholly foreign to him. Foreign, but seductive. In his living memory, nobody had ever wanted all of him. Kikyo had wanted him to purge himself of his youkai blood. Sesshoumaru wanted to kill him because of his human blood. Only in the corners of his mind, where his mother's memory dwelled, did he remember that kind of acceptance.
At least, that had been the case until he'd awoken on the tree with an arrow in his chest and looked down into a pair of strange and familiar eyes. That was the damned ironic part. Those early days of working with Kagome were some of the happiest days of his life. So naturally they had to get blown to shit. In the worst possible way.
Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?
He flinched reflexively, ears flattening. The old protest rose to his lips. I didn't! I wouldn't! I would never....
There hadn't been any forgiveness in Kikyo's eyes on that awful day. No understanding. No trace of the sweet patience or calm serenity that had marked the living woman. Nothing but bone-deep fury and hatred and pain.
A hoarse sound that wanted to be a laugh reverberated in his throat. He needed Kagome to make him whole enough to make his apology -- his penance -- to Kikyo's bones. But it hurt Kagome. He knew it. Even though she claimed to have accepted his choice, every time he came back from beating himself with Kikyo's scourge, every time he threw himself on the pyre of Kikyo's hatred, he could see the shadows gathering behind Kagome's eyes. In repenting for the one, he was breaking the other. That thought twined around others, settling into a final pattern of ugly truth.
If he broke Kagome, he would break himself.
***
Kagome felt her Inuyasha's warmth surrounding her as she slowly awakened from the deep dreamless sleep she'd plunged into. She yawned and stretched, burrowing against Inuyasha's chest, tightening her fingers on his haori. "Inuyasha. I didn't mean to go to sleep." Dimly, she wondered about the fact that they were under their tree, on another gorgeous sunny afternoon. I guess nice weather is one of the bonuses of the dream world.
He chuckled, resettling her on his lap and tucking her head against his shoulder. "Seems to me you deserved it, eh? Savin' those cubs."
She tilted her head up. "You're not mad? Even though I ran away? With Kouga? And I didn't tell you where I was going?"
He arched a dark eyebrow at her. "Were you doin' somethin' I should be mad at you for?"
Kagome sat bolt upright. "No!" Inuyasha laughed, and Kagome felt her stomach do a little flip. Gods, he doesn't laugh nearly enough.
"Calm down," he said, still grinning. "I'm just teasin' you."
She sighed and curled up against him again. He ran an idle hand through her hair and she pressed against it. "Staying awake for that long was almost the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Dark amber eyes and a low gravelly voice whispering, "Kiss me," floated through her memory. "Almost."
"But you did it," he said quietly.
Kagome nodded, feeling another yawn break loose. "Sorry. I guess I'm still tired."
He leaned down and kissed her forehead, making her eyes go wide. "You can sleep if you want. I'll be right here."
Kagome lay against him for a moment, shading her eyes so she could see him better in the brilliant afternoon light. Inuyasha glanced down quizzically. "Thought you were tired."
"I...." She swallowed. "I love you. You know that, right?"
Inuyasha stared at her for a moment, and then grinned. "'Course I know that." He laughed when Kagome reared up, catching her by the shoulders and kissing her forehead again. "I love it when you're pissed."
"You are seriously weird," Kagome grumbled, snuggling against his chest.
Inuyasha ran his claws through her hair again. "Ask me why I like you that way later."
"Do I care?" Kagome said sleepily.
"You'll ask me anyway," he murmured as her eyes fluttered shut. "You always do."
***
Inuyasha paused again, glancing up at the sky. The sun was beginning to brush the horizon. I should be able to make it back to the village before it sets. He began to run again and skidded to a halt as Kagome stirred in his arms. Is she.... He peered down into her face. Her lashes fluttered and she stretched a bit. Please, gods, let her be waking up. "Kagome?" he said hesitantly, feeling his breath catch. Kagome nuzzled his shoulder and Inuyasha nearly dropped her reflexively. She smiled up at him with all the radiance he hadn't seen in two weeks. He smiled back at her shyly. "Are... you feeling better?"
Kagome's smile faded. "Better?" She looked around, realizing belatedly that she was being carried. We're nowhere near our tree. It's sunset. And my Inuyasha wasn't worried about me. "Oh," she breathed. She looked back up at the Inuyasha holding her. "You're not him."
Inuyasha felt his mouth dry and his stomach roll. Where he'd been considering numerous ways to make Kouga pay for Kagome being this tired, there was now only a curious dark chill coiling around his heart. "I'm not... who?" His stomach dropped further as Kagome flushed and looked away from him. She looks guilty. She smells guilty.
"It's not important," she said quietly, looking around. "Where are we?"
He cleared his throat, wishing desperately she hadn't seen him for that brief moment when his defenses were down. "We're on our way back to the village."
Kagome nodded. "Okay." She blinked and put a hand to her head as that brief movement had made the world spin a bit. "Wow. I'm still woozy from...." She jerked upright and only Inuyasha's reflexes prevented the top of her head from colliding with his chin. "The cubs!"
"They're gonna be fine," Inuyasha assured her. "Don't jerk around like that, okay? You're exhausted, you gotta rest." She nodded, relaxing minutely in his grasp. He began to run again, trying to think of a way to tell her how worried he'd been. "You were out almost a whole day."
"I'm so glad they're going to be okay," she murmured. "A day? No wonder I'm dizzy."
He nodded. "So... since they're gonna be fine.... I thought I'd take you back."
"Thanks," she said. Inuyasha shrugged. Kagome relaxed further and began to contemplate going back to sleep, when it dawned on her. "Hey...."
"What?" Inuyasha said.
"How did you come to be bringing me back? You weren't there when I left. How did you know where I was?"
"Miroku."
Kagome groaned. "And you just had to come after me, didn't you?" She groaned again inwardly when his jaw set.
"Yeah. So?"
She closed her eyes. "Just tell me you didn't hurt Kouga getting me out."
"No, Kagome, I slaughtered the rest of his pack and ripped his throat out. It was a lotta fun."
Kagome stared at him. He's never sounded that bitter before. "That's... not funny."
The sound that tore out of Inuyasha's throat might've qualified as a laugh. "I actually managed to behave, believe it or not."
"Okay, okay. You behaved yourself. What's wrong with you?"
Inuyasha skidded to a halt again, glaring incredulously at the woman in his arms. "Me? You worked yourself half to fuckin' death, sleep for an entire day, assume I tore Kouga to shreds gettin' you, and you think there's somethin' wrong with me?"
Kagome took a deep breath and rubbed her forehead. Her temples were starting to ache, although whether it was from sleeping too much or Inuyasha's anger, she wasn't sure. "Sorry. I just.... You and Kouga...."
"Yeah. Well. When you're passed out cold, I got a different set of priorities."
She put a hand over her eyes, wishing desperately that he'd stop talking and start running so she could sneak back into the dream.
"You were asleep for a whole damn day, Kagome. You think I got nothin' better to do than throw down with Kouga when you won't wake up?"
"Well, excuse me for being tired," she snapped from behind her hand. "I was up for a whole day trying to save those cubs."
"He worked you half to fuckin' death."
"He wasn't even there!"
"Keh. Fine. Whatever."
Kagome groaned and banged her head against Inuyasha's arm.
"Listen, you saved the cubs, and yeah, you were up a whole day. That don't mean...." He trailed off, as the fears of two weeks surged up his throat. You sleep all the damn time and you don't wake up, you lie still as death and you never have before....
"That don't mean...." she mimicked sourly. "That don't mean what? That I can sleep?"
"Nothin'. Forget it."
Kagome jabbed him in the chest with a nail. "No, what?"
He looked down into her snapping eyes and bit back a curse. You clung to me. Before you woke up. You held onto me and you whispered my name. "I said, it's nothin'."
She huffed and closed her eyes. "Okay. Fine." I want to go back to sleep. I want my Inuyasha. I want to just be held for a while.
Inuyasha bit back another mental curse. Gods damn it, how can I make her understand? A small craven corner of his mind whispered that he should just put her down and escape into the trees. No, damn it, I said I'd take her home.
Kagome clenched her teeth together. Please, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and see my Inuyasha.... "I don't want to deal with this," she whispered.
Being shot through the heart would hurt less. And, he thought with a twinge of grim humor, I would know. "Okay." Very gently, he set her down on her feet, and took his hands away. She stared at him, her eyes dark and huge.
"What?"
"You don't want to deal with it." You don't want to deal with me. He turned away from her, tipping his head down so she couldn't read his eyes.
Kagome stared at him, for once at a loss for words. He turned away from me. He's never turned away from me when Kikyo wasn't here. She felt something in her heart tear. I know he's not mine, but....
Inuyasha kept his gaze fixed on the ground. I ain't the brightest hanyou around, but I know when I'm not fuckin' wanted. I don't know why she held onto me like that, or why she said my name. But it ain't me she wants. "C'mon. Let's go home." Kagome nodded and took a step. But her legs were shaky from a whole day of sleep, and she wobbled, nearly falling. Inuyasha reached out reflexively and steadied her. She wrapped her hands around his arm, looking up at him with confused eyes. "What, you think I wanna see you fall?"
Kagome shook her head. "No.... I....." She felt tears prick her eyes. I want to go home.
Inuyasha's heart clenched. How can she do this to me now? When I know I'm not what she wants? Don't do this, Kagome. Not now. Not this. He sighed and turned, offering her his back. "Climb on."
She swallowed. "I...."
He felt his temper fray a little more. "Just climb on, Kagome. It'll get you to the village faster."
She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his hair. Inuyasha began to run, choosing the most direct path back to the village. Kagome felt the tears break free and trickle down her face. Why does this always hurt so much? I'm tired of it hurting. It doesn't hurt in the dream. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.
Inuyasha flinched inwardly as he smelled her tears and felt his hair dampen at his neck. I don't know what you want, Kagome. Or who. But I know who you don't want. And I can't even find any fuckin' satisfaction in the fact that it ain't Kouga, either. He kept running steadily until they were finally at the outskirts of the village. "We're here." He winced at the rasp of his own voice. I ain't gonna fuckin' cry, damn it. Kagome slid off his back, looking towards the town. He kept his own gaze turned towards the woods. "Everybody'll be glad to see you."
Kagome swallowed against the lump in her throat. "Yeah." She took a deep shaky breath. "Thank you. For bringing me back."
Inuyasha shrugged, taking a few steps towards the woods. "Keh. Whatever. I wasn't gonna leave you on that gods-forsaken mountain."
She looked at his back. "'Bye," she said quietly.
One shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. "Fine." Inuyasha vanished into the trees.
Kagome began to walk towards Kaede's hut. Her steps gradually sped up until she was running, tears streaming down her face. She ran blindly through the village, ignoring the concerned looks and friendly greetings. Finally she approached Kaede's hut, where Miroku and Sango were sparring outside. Miroku saw her first, which distracted him enough to let Sango punch him in the stomach. He doubled over gasping, and Sango stopped, puzzled. "Houshi-sama, what's--" She glanced over her shoulder. "Kagome-chan?"
Kagome stopped, rubbing at her eyes. "I'm sorry...."
"Are you all right?" Miroku said with a faint wheeze. "What's the matter?"
Kagome shook her head. "I can't-- I can't talk about it. Don't ask me. Don't ask me anything!" Her voice cracked and she bit her lip, fighting back the hysterical sobs. "I'm sorry.... I'm just really tired...."
"Obviously," Sango soothed, putting an arm around Kagome's shoulders. "Why don't you lie down for a while and you can tell us about it later?"
Miroku met Sango's eyes, raising his eyebrows and tipping his head towards the woods. Let me know if I need to crack Inuyasha's skull.
She smiled back coolly. I won't have to tell you; I'll beat you to it. She guided the younger girl into the hut and spread out a futon for her. "Is there anything else you want?"
Kagome shook her head. "I'm sorry.... I'm just so tired...."
"If you're tired, then you should sleep," Sango said firmly, pushing her down onto the mat. "I'm sure you'll feel better after a good rest."
Kagome smiled tremulously and grasped Sango's hand. "Thanks." She tugged a cover across herself and sank back onto the pillow Sango brought her, closing her eyes.
Sango nodded and ducked out into the twilight. Miroku stood where she'd left him, gazing towards the forest. "They must've fought," he said.
"That's obvious," she said dryly.
"Not like they normally do," he qualified, equally dry. "Did she say anything?"
Sango shook her head. "Just that she was tired."
Miroku sighed. "I suppose we'll have to pry it out of them in the morning."
"We could just let them deal with it themselves," Sango said.
A perfect beat of silence hung between the taiji-ya and the monk before they shook their heads simultaneously.
***
Kagome lifted her head. She stood on a dock that stretched out into a river. Sunset painted the sky and the water Inuyasha's colors: red and gold. A dock? I don't remember there being a dock in the dream before. But her confusion over the new geography abated the moment she saw Inuyasha -- her Inuyasha -- standing at the other end, looking at her with gentle, half-shy, half-eager eyes. A wave of relief swamped her, so huge she nearly sat down. He smiled and held a hand out to her, and Kagome ran towards him, tripping in her haste. Inuyasha darted forward and caught her.
"Are you staying?" he asked hoarsely.
Kagome nodded and tried to burrow further into his embrace. I'm never leaving. Ever.
Inuyasha tilted her head up. "Then kiss me."
There was no hesitation when she pulled his head down.
***
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase