Ah, there is nothing like using sarcasm to teach something as valuable as self-defense. Quite effective, I must say. And so I shall take up the task of elucidating the fourth doctrine of the Redwall Defense Guide, which is:

Lesson Four: Gluttony Is A Sin

Let us look at a scenario. Vermin A is coming towards you with a Sharp Pointy Object with intent to do harm. Do you: 1) scream; 2) run/get away; 3) attack; or 4) eat?

Any of the first three are plausible. It is advised that you choose choice three, however. The fourth choice is highly detrimental to your permanent health and is not recommended.

Yes, you are probably wondering to yourself, That's not very smart. Of course you don't eat when somebeast is attacking you!

Aha, but unfortunately you are missing the point.

You are defending Redwall. Defend, as in to protect or prevent. Prevent against what? An attack, of course. To be more specific, defending against all attacks. Not just one, or two, but against all attacks attempted by the enemy side. I cannot stress this enough. To any attack, you must retaliate with an equal or greater defense. If you do not defend against every attack, you will fail -- and the enemy will have broken through and you will lose it all.

"Defend" is the same as "keeping watch." When keeping watch, you do not dawdle or nap or snack, your attention is focused on the enemy. Simply because the enemy is not attacking now does not mean that the enemy will attack a few moments later. Therefore, at all times, you must act as if there is an eminent attack coming your way. (This may be stressful and/or difficult for somebeasts, such as the elderly, the peaceful, the [ahem] gluttonous, the dibbuns, and those with short attention spans.) If you let down your guard, the attack may come at that moment and you will not be ready. (This is commonly known as Murphy's law.)

When you defend, you must not frivolously feast and party and pretend that there is no danger. That is the mindset of a fool who wishes to die happy. You should not feast and party in between actual attacks in "celebration of defending Redwall." One, the enemy may attack, and two although you may have won a battle, you have not won the war.

Also, to feast and party is to waste food in wanton amounts. Yes, Redwall is famous for its feasts, congratulations, but feast later! Ration food in order to save it for your defenders (who certainly need it.) "An army marches on its stomach." Ask any hare (primarily of the Long Patrol) and he will gladly back that statement up. To eat food now means less food later (shocking, isn't it) and thus your army of defenders may kneel in hunger. A bit extreme, but I can assure you that this episode will occur if you have a hare in residence.

A Note to Hares: I do not understand your affinity to food. Perhaps you have all had traumatizing childhood experiences involving the lack of food and thus you have an instinct to scoff every blinkin' thing in sight the moment food appears. In fact, I believe hares scoff more food at the end of a meal/feast/snack than at the beginning of said meal/feast/snack. However, the time you take scoffing is time when something is not defended. And even if you are replaced on duty, that does not mean that you should haunt the kitchens like an emaciated rabbit. If you eat food now, there will be less food for the Big Feast later. By "Big Feast," I mean the gala feast at the end when the vermin are forever gone and some hero emerges and so on and so on. I can assure you that it is much more pleasing to feast with no worry about a possible attack than to mini-feast in between attacks.

It may help if I give a few concrete examples.

Example #1: Martin the Warrior.
Of course. The Founder and Pillar of Redwall Abbey. He was never one to leave his duty to scoff a scone. All should emulate him.

Example #2: Any Badger Lord (or Lordess).
This is obvious. I have never heard of a gluttonous badger.

Example #3: Any hare of the Long Patrol.
This is also obvious. Although the hares of the Long Patrol do have appreciation of food, they also have the ability to put this aside whenever danger arouses. Also, they do not whine about the lack of food; they forage for themselves. And by forage, I do not mean raid the kitchens.

Example #4: Basically, anybeast who follows the Warrior's Code.
Those who fight understand. As defenders, you must all become fighters as well.

I understand that restraining from food or rationing it may be difficult for some. My original advice was to either make the kitchens smaller or purposely grow less food. However, that is contrary to your personality. Therefore, my advice is to get a nice, thick, metal lock and lock the kitchen doors. Give the key to the Abbey Cook or a responsible, respectable beast. Warriors, although certainly responsible, also have the tendency to leave for help. Perhaps the Abbot/Abbess will do. (Because of the physiological behaviors of hares, I would not advise you to give the keys to any hare.) Oh, and wear tight belts. Very tight. Squeaky voice tight.

…On second thought, perhaps only squeaky voice tight for hares. It's not a nice sight to a have bunch of high-pitched, extremely squeaky mice squeaking down at yon vermin.

* * * * *

So, wot have we learned today?

Right, to eat on duty is bad; to feast off duty is equally bad. Defending is a 24/7 job. Keep that mouth closed and that stomach tucked in, because that is the way of the warrior. Relatively speaking, of course.

~LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country