What am I thankful for? I'm thankful I'm done with this chapter. Bleah. Stupid classes.

Okay, to quickly address something that seems to be puzzling some of you: I am not finished. This is not the end. (I'd go so far as to say I'm nowhere near finished.) After all, nothing's been resolved.

I'd also like to apologize to those not interested in the Miroku/Sango waltz, and to reassure them that things will pick up with Kags and Yash again shortly. Thank you for your patience.

Extra whipped cream on the pie of thank you for my betas, Merith and Kat. And a whomping big extra helping of meat stuffing for my alpha, Niamh. You know you like it. ;D

Chapter title and epigraph are from "Haunted," by Poe.

***

I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated

***

She was six years old and her feet were dusty from playing hide and seek with the other children of her village. It was her turn to be it, and she had secretly resolved to find her true love first. Ryuichi was old, almost eight, but he was never as rude to her as some of the other boys. She'd decided, after he'd given her half a sweet dumpling, that she would marry him someday. She paused near a tree in the village square, looking around uncertainly. Where had everybody gone? Usually she could at least hear muffled giggling, but today it was eerily quiet.

"Little girl."

She jumped. Who was talking? The tree? She peered up at the branches.

The voice chuckled. "No. Down here."

She lowered her gaze. An old woman dressed tidily in the uniform of a shrine priestess sat peacefully at the foot of the tree. A row of stones was lined up before her. "Do you know who I am?"

"Yes. You're the miko of our shrine."

The priestess nodded. "Who are you?"

"Kikyo, miko-sama."

"Do any of these stones interest you, Kikyo?"

Kikyo frowned, kneeling across from the priestess. The stones seemed wholly unremarkable: rough, irregularly shaped, and still slightly dirty. She glanced uncertainly at the woman, but the still face gave her no clue. She sat back, chewing her lip. Then she tilted her head. Had one of the stones glimmered?

Again, one of the stones seemed to shimmer with a strange inward light. Curious, Kikyo picked up the stone and immediately dropped it again. Her skin told her the rock was cool and rough to the touch. Her mind insisted it was burning hot. "I thought so," the miko murmured.

"I don't like you," Kikyo said nervously, getting to her feet. "I'm going home." She fled towards her hut, and so missed hearing the miko's soft chuckle.

The next day, the priestess paid a visit to Kikyo's mother. Within three days of that first meeting, Kikyo's possessions had been bundled up and she had moved in with the priestess. The priestess's name was Kumiko, and she had been searching desperately for a successor from within the village. Kikyo was the only suitable candidate she had found. There was no more time for running and playing, and Kumiko strictly forbade any contact with boys, especially Ryuichi.

Nine years later, Kumiko died, leaving Kikyo sole priestess. Her first ceremony was to bless Ryuichi's marriage to a girl even younger than she. But by that time, the dreams of the child had died in the heart of the young woman, and she watched the marriage of her first love with dry eyes.

***

Sango carried Kagome into the quarantine hut, laying the girl down on the mat once more. Miroku tucked the Tetsusaiga into Kagome's arms, and then straightened, grimacing. He pressed his hand to his shoulder as Kaede lifted the door flap aside. "What happened? Where's Inuyasha?"

"I don't know," Sango said helplessly. "We found the youkai that was attacking her, but it turned out that Kikyo was behind it. Kagome woke up and something happened and Inuyasha ran off...." She trailed off, swallowing.

"Kikyo?" Kaede shook her head.

"I'll be happy to clarify," Miroku interrupted. "But do you think you could possibly help me?" He held up his hand, palm dark with blood. Sango blinked.

"When did you start bleeding again?"

He shrugged. "Somewhere between the clearing and here?"

Kaede pointed at him. "You sit down."

Miroku sat down and shrugged his shoulder out of his robes, keeping the blood-soaked bandage pressed to his wound. Kaede poured some water into a clay basin and added some disinfectant from a small blue bottle that Kagome had brought. She dipped a cloth into the liquid and began to dab at his skin. Miroku winced and swore under his breath.

Sango shook herself when she realized she was staring absently at his chest. "I'm... going to... go." She left the hut quickly.

"This looks like an arrow wound," Kaede said softly, wringing the cloth out.

Miroku nodded. "She shot me."

Kaede paused. "You're sure it was Kikyo?"

Miroku looked at her for a long moment. He'd long respected Kaede as an experienced miko and Kagome's mentor. But suddenly, underneath the mask of age, he could see a little girl, pleading for reassurance that the older sister she adored hadn't done such a horrible thing. He sighed. "I'm sorry, Kaede-sama." Kaede nodded, lowering her head. "If it's any consolation to you, we brought her remains home. You may lay her to rest once more."

"It won't be the same," Kaede said. "What my sister was to this village... that has been irreparably broken." He sat in silence as she daubed the wound with ointment and bound fresh bandages around his shoulder.

Kagome whimpered and stirred on the mat. Miroku turned to her. "Kagome-sama?"

"'Roku-sa..." her voice faded. "'Yasha...?"

Miroku sighed and brushed her bangs back. "He's... outside." Somewhere.

"Ward... bones," Kagome whispered.

"I will," Miroku whispered back.

"'Yasha..." she murmured as she dozed off again. Miroku withdrew the jewel shard he'd taken from Kikyo and slipped it into the vial around Kagome's neck. He felt a twinge of relief as the shard slowly lightened from dusky pink to the pale rose of its fellows. He sat back and lowered his head.

"Where is Inuyasha?" Kaede said softly.

Miroku shook his head. "Kagome-sama faced Kikyo-sama. She struck her down in a blaze of magic utterly unlike anything I've ever seen."

Kaede frowned. "Inuyasha fled because Kagome attacked Kikyo?"

"No. Inuyasha fled because Kagome awoke and said something that appeared to shake him to his very soul."

"What was that?"

"'Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?'" Merely repeating the words sent a chill down Miroku's spine.

Kaede paled. "Are you certain?" Miroku nodded. "Gods."

"What does that mean? Inuyasha would never betray Kagome-sama. He... cares too much for that."

"Inuyasha has never betrayed Kagome," Kaede said softly. "But he has betrayed Kikyo. When the witch Urasue built her construct from my sister's ashes and grave soil, those were the words the construct spoke upon awakening."

Miroku swore fluidly, ignoring the arch look Kaede sent him. "Gods damn it. Damn it! If I'd known that...."

"You would have gone with him," Kaede said.

"I sure as hell wouldn't have let him run off," Miroku snapped.

Kaede sighed. "There's nothing you can do now, houshi-dono."

Miroku pushed himself to his feet. "I think I'm going to walk for a while until I'm feeling a little calmer."

"Don't overdo it," she said, moving to Kagome's side.

He nodded and picked up his staff. "I'll see you in the morning, Kaede-sama." Miroku pushed the door flap outside and stepped into the night air, taking a deep breath. His shoulder throbbed faintly. That's probably going to hurt like hell by the time I go to sleep. Ah, well. If I try to sleep now, I'll only sit awake fretting. I wonder where Sango went? Kirara appeared, stropping herself against his ankles. "Where's your mistress, Kirara?" he said softly. She looked up at him and mewed before padding off towards the well. Miroku raised an eyebrow before following.

Sango leaned against the Bone Eater's Well, idly polishing Hiraikotsu. She could almost hear Kagome's laugh dancing on the air and see Inuyasha perched in the branches of the trees around the clearing. Kirara trotted up and rubbed her head against Sango's knee. "How did it all go so badly, Kirara?" Sango murmured, reaching down to scratch behind her ears. "There must've been something I could've done...."

"Sango?"

She jumped. "Houshi-sama?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." The young monk drew closer, robes slowly taking shape against the darkness.

Sango shook her head. "I was just...." She waved a hand, still holding the polishing cloth.

He nodded. "I know what you mean. I, too, was just...." He waved his free hand in a similarly absent manner, wincing as his shoulder twinged.

She began to polish Hiraikotsu again absently. "How is she?"

"She woke up briefly," Miroku said. "Asked me to ward Kikyo-sama's bones." He glanced back towards the village. "I should do that when we get back to the hut."

Sango nodded. "I guess that's an improvement."

"She woke up at all," Miroku said. "So, yes."

The cloth paused in its rhythmic strokes. "Did she say anything else?"

"Kagome-sama? She wanted to know where Inuyasha was. I told her he was outside; I didn't think it was a good idea to...." Miroku trailed off.

Sango bit her lip. "Probably not." She fidgeted with the cloth, twisting it in her fingers.

"I did get a chance to speak with Kaede-sama about what happened between Kikyo-sama and Kagome-sama." Miroku rubbed his forehead, leaning on the edge of the well. "She made it a little clearer."

"It didn't make any sense." Sango searched his face. "Did it?" He didn't answer her for a moment. "Houshi-sama?"

"I see you were also wondering why it upset Inuyasha so badly."

"What did it mean?"

"Do you remember what Kagome-sama told us about how Kikyo-sama came back?"

Sango nodded. "There was a witch who stole Kikyo's ashes and grave soil. The witch built a body and animated it with Kagome's soul. Kagome-chan took it back, but enough of it remained to keep the body alive."

Miroku sighed. "Right. But there was something she didn't tell us. Kikyo... spoke."

Sango swore. "Don't tell me. I know exactly what she said." She twisted the cloth harder. "But why would Kagome-chan...."

"I have a theory," Miroku said after a moment. "I don't like it. In fact, I hope I'm wrong."

"What is it?"

Miroku looked up at the quiet stars. "Do you remember how Kikyo-sama said that the piece of Kagome-sama's soul that was in her had been reunited with the rest?"

"Yes," Sango said slowly. "Oh, no. No. You don't think...."

"No. No. I'm sure that's just some side effect of what Kagome-sama did." Fate couldn't be that cruel. He ignored the gentle tapping his rosary beads made against his shakujou as he shifted his hands.

Sango pushed herself to her feet, tucking the cloth back into her belt. "What was it that Kagome-chan did? I've never seen anything like it." She leaned back against the well beside him, gazing up at the stars as well.

The rings of his staff jingled quietly as he turned it in his hands. "I have no idea what she did. There was...." His voice faded.

She glanced sideways at him, surprised at the troubled look on his face. "Houshi-sama?"

"I've always known Kagome-sama had a lot of raw power." Sango nodded and Miroku blew out a breath. "I had no idea she had that much."

Sango nodded again. "What I can't believe...."

"Hmmm?"

"I can't believe she was willing to kill Kagome-chan. For her soul. For their soul." Sango shook her head. "It's just incredible."

"But it had nothing to do with Kagome-sama," Miroku said softly. "She said as much."

"Just an obstacle to a goal." Sango reached up and pulled out the ribbon that bound her ponytail, running a distracted hand through her hair. "Doesn't matter who you hurt, who you kill...." When Miroku didn't answer, she looked over at him, feeling vaguely concerned.

"Defying everything she believed in," he said quietly. "Going against everything she'd ever been." Miroku lifted his cursed hand, spreading his fingers. "It makes me wonder. What would I do? If I could rid myself of this by killing an innocent...."

Sango swallowed. "Do you think you would?" She paused. "Do you think you could?"

Miroku shook his head immediately. "I like to think not." He gazed at his gauntlet. "But Kikyo-sama...."

"Wasn't human."

He looked up.

Sango reached out, her hand hovering over his. "She wasn't human. Not anymore. You are."

Miroku laughed softly. "Too much so, to Buddha's eternal dismay."

She slapped his fingers lightly. "Not like that. I mean... Kikyo-sama wanted Kagome-chan's soul because she didn't have one of her own anymore. But if her soul had been intact, she wouldn't have been willing to sacrifice Kagome-chan." She watched his expression turn thoughtful.

"If we try to see what Kikyo-sama must have been through what Kagome-sama is...." Miroku trailed off, nodding. "You're right." The corner of his mouth quirked. "I suppose I shouldn't tax myself with these scenarios. I know what will lift my curse, and it's not the death of an innocent."

"Far from it," Sango said.

He nodded again. "I think I was just unnerved."

"I think we all were."

"Why were you frightened?"

Sango lowered her hand slowly. Her bangs fell forward to shadow her face as she averted her eyes. "I thought we'd lost her. I thought... I wasn't sure she was going to make it. And then I was scared for Inuyasha." She swallowed. "I'm still scared for Inuyasha."

Miroku's ragged sigh stirred her hair. "I am, too. I hope...."

"I've been thinking," she interrupted gently. "If I take Kirara and go back, we might be able to pick up his trail. We might be able to help him. If something attacked him now, I don't know how well he'd be able to fight."

Silence hovered between them. "You'd go by yourself," Miroku said.

Sango nodded. "Someone needs to stay behind in case Kagome-chan wakes up. In case Kaede-sama needs help."

"You want me to go back and suggest to Kaede-sama she can't take care of a patient alone?" Miroku said.

"You're wounded, remember?" Sango said tartly. "How are you going to help me?"

"With one arm?" he suggested.

"No. I'm going alone."

"Sango...." At the new gentleness in his tone she looked up, meeting his eyes. He hesitated again. "At least get some sleep."

"I was going to go back to the village first to rest." Color flooded her face as she remembered the last time Miroku had decided she wasn't resting enough. And she cursed the glint in his eyes that told her he remembered too.

"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep?"

"I should be able to manage," she said dryly.

"Good," Miroku said, pushing off the well. "I don't think I can hold you down with one arm." He laughed softly as she swung Hiraikotsu to her shoulder and stalked past him towards the village.

***

Why doesn't my shoulder hurt?

Why should my shoulder hurt? I wasn't wounded, I was asleep.

I was wounded. Inuyasha attacked me and stole the jewel.

No. He'd never attack me. He'd never hurt me.

He betrayed me.

I betrayed him.

I shot him.

I hurt him.

Inuyasha, where are you? I have to tell you I'm sorry....

***

"Kagome-sama is healing, isn't she, Kaede-sama?"

The old priestess nodded as she heaved herself to her feet from where she'd been kneeling. "She gets stronger every day. All that's wrong now is the lingering weakness from the spell."

Miroku pulled his robes back on over his freshly re-bandaged shoulder. "But she's still sleeping so much. I thought four days might be enough for her to recover."

Kaede shook her head. "I've seen this before in others who had been very ill. Rest is how they begin to rebuild their strength. Kagome will be up when she's ready to be up. In the meantime she's eating and rousing when we try to wake her, and those are very good signs."

He smiled. "Thank you, Kaede-sama. I should trust your judgment more."

"I understand your concern. I only wish Sango could find Inuyasha. The longer he stays away...." Kaede trailed off.

"Sango says it's almost like he doesn't want us to find him. Kirara has a reasonably good nose, so he shouldn't be this hard to find, unless...." Miroku trailed off, eyes troubled.

Kaede laid a gentle hand on his unwounded shoulder. "All you can do is keep trying, houshi-dono."

"She should at least take me with her," he grumbled. "I don't like her doing it without backup."

Kaede paused at the door. "Why are you telling me? Tell her. She's out weeding my garden." With an odd little smile, she went out into the sunshine.

Miroku smoothed Kagome's blanket gently. "What do you think, Kagome-sama?" he murmured. "Should I go bother Sango?" He smiled at the sleepy mumble he got in reply and got to his feet. "I'm going to pretend that was a yes."

Sango sat back on her heels and eyed the garden. Okay. That takes care of the savory herbs... so I can do the medicinal ones now. Right. She began to pluck the weeds from around the roots of the chamomile, smiling a little absently at the familiar smell that drifted up to her. Funny, I used to hate doing this when Father told me to. Something tickled the back of her left hand. She glanced down and let out a little shriek to see the large beetle crawling across her skin.

"Problems?"

She glanced up from shaking her hand vigorously. Oh, damn. "No problems, houshi-sama." Sango felt a blush warm her cheeks. Of all the people to catch me.

Miroku nodded. "How are things in the herbs?"

"About half-finished." Sango got to her feet, brushing her hands off on her apron, surreptitiously checking to make sure no beetles were coming along. "How's Kagome-chan?"

He glanced back towards the quarantine hut. "She's better. Ate about half of her lunch and then attempted to sit me when I tried to make her eat more of it. I wanted to oblige her by crashing into the ground, but I just don't do it as well as Inuyasha does."

Sango leaned on the fence, smiling a little. "I could try to help you with that."

Miroku chuckled. "I know you could." He watched Sango's face turn pensive as she gazed at the quarantine hut. "What're you thinking?"

"Only that it must've been hard for her. To hold out so long against those dreams. They were fighting so much...." She blew out a breath. "I've been wondering if I would have held out. If I hadn't known what would happen, the way Kagome-chan didn't know." Sango glanced at Miroku, unsurprised to see his eyes gone dark and thoughtful. "Because isn't the reality of something sort of dependent on how real it is for you?"

"I don't know," he said at last, "if I would have acquitted myself as well as I should."

Sango nodded a little. "Was it... what she said?"

"Was what what who said?"

"Your heart's desire. Was it what Ai said?" Miroku stilled, and Sango cursed herself for asking.

"Yes, but like I said before, she got the ages of the girls wrong."

Sango rolled her eyes. "Right."

"What about you?" Miroku countered, leaning on his side of the fence.

"What about me?"

"Your heart's desire. Was that it?"

Sango pulled a tall weed that was trying to wind its way around one of the fence posts and began to shred it. "Mmmm. Close. But there were some details missing." There was someone missing.

Miroku shifted, easing his weight off his shoulder. "Like what?"

"Well... a husband. Children." She glanced at Miroku's profile, gauging. "I found it odd they weren't in my dream. And I found it very odd they were in yours."

He froze, and Sango could've sworn she saw something like panic flicker in those dark eyes. "No, no. She just uncovered my long-buried desire to be outnumbered by midgets."

Sango sighed. Does he always have to be so damn difficult? "Houshi-sama."

Miroku stared at the garden, and she could almost see the moment he decided to give her a real answer. "I think about it. Sometimes. My grandfather didn't live long enough to see my father grow up. Likewise, my father died when I was a child. It's natural, I guess, that I would wonder what it would be like to see my own children grow up."

"I just didn't expect it of you," she said softly. "It was a surprise."

He chuckled. "I imagine."

"It wasn't... a bad surprise."

Miroku glanced at her sideways. "I'm full of surprises," he murmured.

Sango felt her breath catch for a moment. "Do you...." She cleared her throat. "Do you think she would have gotten other details right?"

He shrugged and straightened. "I wasn't that interested in her accuracy."

She cast the weed aside, wiping her hands on her apron again. "You just seemed really happy to see your wife. The other you."

Miroku laughed a bit. "I was probably just happy I'd finally cajoled someone into bearing my children."

"You weren't smiling like...." Sango bit her tongue.

"Like?"

"Like you'd cajoled her."

Miroku closed his eyes, leaning heavily on the fence once more. A weariness that seemed almost infinite touched his face, aging him well beyond his twenty-one years. Sango swallowed. Men in his family never get old, but they feel it, gods, they feel it while they're still so young.... "I've always wanted," he said to the garden. "I've always wanted to be able to offer the mother of my children a life. A future. I want to live with her – with them – without having to think about the day I leave her a widow and the children my curse. But...."

"But?" Sango whispered.

Miroku smiled wryly. "Well, I can't, can I?"

"We haven't lost yet," she said. "You still might be able to."

"I don't want to offer her possibilities," he said softly.

"But... what if she was content with possibility?" He turned his head slightly, catching her gaze. Sango licked her lips nervously. "What if she already knew that life doesn't offer any guarantees?"

"What are you saying, Sango?" Miroku murmured.

Sango opened her mouth to answer, then snapped it shut in surprise. "Kagome-chan?"

Miroku spun around. "Where is he?" Kagome whispered, holding the scabbard of the Tetsusaiga out. She was pale and fragile-looking, as if her bones had been replaced with delicately spun glass. Her skin was drawn tight, and her eyes were enormous with shadows. "Inuyasha... where is he?"

Sango leapt the fence and ran over to her friend, with Miroku not a half-step behind her. "He's... out there," Sango said helplessly. "Somewhere."

"But the sword. He needs the sword." Kagome's hands tightened on the scabbard. "He can't be out there alone."

"I've been looking for him." Sango reached up to brush her friend's hair back. A frown crossed her face as she felt Kagome's skin hot beneath her fingers. "You need to go back to bed, Kagome-chan."

Kagome shook her head. "We have to go find him. Now."

"We will," Miroku soothed. "We'll go find him very soon."

"Now," Kagome pleaded, eyes filling with tears.

"I'll go out and look," Sango said gently. "Please rest."

Miroku scooped Kagome up, wincing a little as her weight jarred his shoulder. Kagome didn't even notice since her eyes were fixed urgently on Sango's. "But if he's hurt... if he needs me...."

"Then I'll bring him back to you," Sango said softly. "I promise."

Kagome nodded and closed her eyes, tears spilling down her face. "Don't cry, Kagome-sama," Miroku murmured.

"It's my fault," Kagome sobbed. "He's out there and it's my fault."

He looked at Sango helplessly. "It's not your fault," Sango whispered over the lump in her throat. "It's not." She watched as Miroku carried Kagome back towards the quarantine hut before spinning on her heel and dashing into Kaede's hut to change into her taiji-ya gear.

***

I'm haunted
By the lives that wove a web
Inside my haunted head