To Kill a Pervert
Chapter Two
By Betula
Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei and Ranma ½ do not belong to me.
Ranma's phlegmatic acceptance of their identities, and the fact that Happosai had put the entire elite Shinigami Nerima Taskforce in the hospital, persuaded Hisoka and Tsuzuki to bring Ranma, now male after his quick application of hot water, the newly human Ryoga, and Akane on their quest for Happosai.
Ranma led the way with Hisoka beside him, after offering to put Ryoga on a lead to prevent him from getting lost, earning himself a snarl. Somewhat to his surprise, Hisoka found Ranma to be enjoyable company. The young martial artist had more control over his thoughts than his friends, and his emotions were easier to deal with. In contrast to the permanently depressed Ryoga, he was quite cheerful. Kasumi was the opposite of Ryoga – her aura was a giant cloud of psychic marijuana. Hisoka made a mental note not to get too close to her, lest he find himself floating on a fluffy pink high for the rest of the week. Ranma's assessment of his father was far too accurate, and Soun was stewing with grief. Akane was even worse than the others. She was in love with Ranma and highly insecure about it, and angry at the world. She focused that anger mainly on her fiancé. The entire lot of them needed some extreme therapy, Hisoka concluded.
He'd be damned if he'd do it though.
More damned than he already was, that is.
Ranma admittedly had as many problems the rest of them, but he had managed to achieve some kind of balance inside his own head. He was still egotistical, misogynistic, and confused about his feelings. However, Ranma was comfortable for Hisoka to be around, because he didn't hate anyone, and wasn't even really angry with anyone. He was actually quite fond of some unlikely people – namely, Ryoga and his father. Scary, when the guy who turned into a girl was the most mentally balanced person around.
Hisoka shook off his reverie as Ranma stopped at the entrance to a restaurant.
"Why are we going into Ukyo's restaurant, Ranma? We're not out for lunch, you know." Akane said with an edge to her voice.
"Uc-chan mighta seen Happosai. Gotta start somewhere."
"Ran-chan!" Said a joyful voice as they entered. "Oh. Hello everyone." The voice was less enthusiastic with the second greeting. A girl came out from behind the counter and rushed towards them. Hisoka recognised her as one of the girls who had been chasing Ranma earlier.
"Hey, Uc-chan. We're looking for the Old Letch. You seen him?"
"Not since last night. He stole all the new lingerie I bought to replace everything he stole last time. I need to think up some new booby traps. Why are you looking for him?"
"The freak apparently missed an appointment with hell. These guys are shinigami, and they're here to fetch him."
The girl laughed, noticed Ranma was perfectly serious, stopped laughing, and shook her head. "And to think, my life used to be normal, before I came to Nerima. Sure, I was living as a boy, and training constantly to get my revenge, but this place… I couldn't tell you where he is right now, but I'll come and help you look for him. Happosai finally getting what's coming to him is not something I want to miss."
Ukyo called over her waitress – waiter, Hisoka corrected himself, looking more closely at the graceful, kimono-clad figure – and gave him some careful instructions, most of which seemed to be emphasizing prices. As they exited, Ranma asked, "Are you sure you wanna leave Konatsu alone in there?"
"It's alright. I sat him down and explained to him the concept of 'profit'. We're not too busy today, so he shouldn't drive me to bankruptcy."
"So where are we going now, Ranma?" Tsuzuki said, attempting to bring the investigation back under shinigami control.
"We're goin' to the Nekohanten." Akane snorted and muttered under her breath, and Ryoga glared at him. Ranma continued in a louder voice, "We're goin' to see the Old Ghoul. She's about the same vintage as the Old Letch. She might know where Happosai is at the moment, or at least, she might give you some idea of what you're dealing with."
----
"Airen!"
The waitress at the next restaurant was, inevitably, another of the women who had been chasing Ranma, Hisoka noted. She abandoned her customers at his entrance and plastered herself against him. Ranma stood so stiffly that if he had been pushed, he would have fallen on his face without any attempt to save himself. Hisoka could feel Akane begin to fume behind him once again.
"Airen come to see Shampoo?"
"We came to see the Mummy, Shampoo. She around?"
"Great-grandmother is in Kitchen. Ranma come in, have too, too delicious ramen." The girl ignored the rest of the party completely.
"Not right now, Shampoo." Said Ranma, nonetheless casting a longing glance at the steaming bowls of noodles. "We gotta talk to Cologne. It's about Happosai."
The mention of Happosai forestalled Shampoo's protests. "Okay. You come talk to Great-Grandmother." She wrapped herself around Ranma's arm and led him towards the back of the shop, while everyone else trailed behind them. Hisoka was unsure if she had even registered the presence of anyone besides the boy she clung to, until she shot a poisonous look over her shoulder at Akane and Ukyo. The air around the three girls was crackling with so much jealousy that Hisoka wouldn't have been surprised if the customers felt it as clearly as he did. Instead, the entire party was ignored by all but those sitting closest, who discreetly edged their chairs away and continued with their conversations.
----
Hisoka had been expecting a little old lady. Cologne was a little old lady – far littler and older than Hisoka had thought possible. The woman was so shrunken and shrivelled wit age, Hisoka found himself silently agreeing with Ranma when he addressed her as 'Old Ghoul'. During Ranma's explanation, Cologne's eyes had alternated between studying Hisoka and Tsuzuki. Hisoka could sense nothing from her other than vague amusement. It was disconcerting after meeting so many uncontrolled personalities.
"So…" The old woman said with a wicked grin. "Happy has shinigami after him. It's about time you fellows caught up with him."
Tsuzuki raised his eyebrows. "You sound as if you have some knowledge of exactly what we do."
Cologne gave him a cackling laugh. "I do indeed, my boy. Our tribe has long had dealings with your counterparts in China."
"Really?" Tsuzuki's tone was still pleasant, but his eyes had sharpened. "We're not supposed to encourage 'dealings'. It's against office policy."
"But you are dealing with mortals now, are you not?"
Tsuzuki nodded, acknowledging the hit.
"It is precisely because of situations like this that the Joketsuzoku and the shinigami came to an agreement. You see there are places in the world where magic is concentrated. Odd things are attracted to such places, and strange events take place there. The Bermuda Triangle, and that little town in California are some examples. Nerima is also one of these places. So is our home village, because of its proximity to Jusenkyo. These places tend to be busy ones for you people."
Cologne paused to suck on her pipe. "A few centuries ago, the shinigami in charge of the region around Jusenkyo were having terrible trouble keeping up with their case load. The situation reached a climax when a party of travellers made camp at Jusenkyo without knowing the nature of the place. Unfortunately, they decided to take a bath in one of the pools. All ten of them jumped into the nearest spring, which happened to be the spring of drowned demon."
"Drowned demon?" Hisoka said incredulously. "Demons can drown?"
"If there can be a spring of drowned yeti-riding-bull-carrying-crane-and-eel, then the spring of drowned demon isn't too much of a stretch." Ranma said with a shrug. "I think just about anything can drown at Jusenkyo."
"As you can imagine, rounding up all those newly created demons wreaking havoc on the countryside was a little much for a single pair of shinigami. There wasn't any help available from other divisions either – they were already busy with a war that was going on at the time.
"The demons then made a costly error: they invaded Joketsuzoku land. Our warriors defended the village valiantly, and the shinigami were amazed by our skills. The warriors and the shinigami joined forces and captured the demons. It was then discovered that they were not true demons at all, but only an unwary travellers. The shinigami were unsure about what to do with demons that were only demons when they got wet. It was the amazons who led an expedition into Jusenkyo to retrieve some water from the spring of drowned man in order to cure the demon curse."
Cologne pretended not to hear Ranma muttering about why they do that for everyone who took the plunge at Jusenkyo.
"The shinigami were grateful, and when the amazons requested compensation for their efforts…"
"Oh, that's why."
"An agreement was made, that the tribe would render aid to shinigami when it was needed, and in exchange, some our people would be granted extended life spans."
"So you really are three hundred years old, Old Mummy?" Ranma commented.
Cologne brought her staff down on his head. "Never ask a woman her age, son-in-law."
"Well, that's all very interesting," said Tsuzuki, "But I don't imagine you told us all that just for the history lesson. What was your point in this, ma'am?"
Cologne grinned at him. "I like you, my boy. Smart and polite. My point is, that when Happosai was in China, he stole a great many of our treasures. One of those things was an unissued, but valid, Mortality Deferment Licence. That's why your people have taken so long to catch up with him."
"License? You have paperwork that lets you live for hundreds of years?" Akane broke in incredulously.
"Of course, girl." Cologne said sweetly. "I could probably find my own around here somewhere if you really want to see it. As your sister Nabiki would tell you, it's important to have such advantageous deals down on paper."
"Getting back to the original question," Hisoka said, squashing his impatience, "Do you know where Happosai might be now?"
Cologne turned her smile on him, and Hisoka struggled not to shudder. "I like you too. You get the job done without letting yourself be distracted. Happosai should be paying the Kuno estate a visit sometime today. It's laundry day there, and Happosai takes a childish delight in circumventing the traps Miss Kuno sets for him."
"Finally. Thanks, Old Ghoul. I can show you where that is." Ranma stood to leave.
"Shampoo will go with you." Cologne said. Akane fumed silently. "We do need to honour that agreement, after all, and I can't go, since I have a restaurant to run. You might as well take Mr. Part Time with you as well." She gestured at a cadged duck with glasses perched on its nose – yet another Jusenkyo victim, Hisoka realised.
"Thank you." Tsuzuki said hastily to forestall any arguments. "I'm sure they'll be a great help."
With the generous application of charm, Tsuzuki managed to usher the party, including Shampoo and the now human duck-boy, who introduced himself as Mousse, out of the kitchen. He and Hisoka were about to leave themselves, when Cologne spoke from close behind them. Neither had heard her move.
"You know, I really like you two. Men as intelligent, polite and pretty as you two are hard to come by. If I were a couple of centuries younger, and if you two weren't dead, I'd marry both of you." Her hands darted out, and Hisoka and Tsuzuki leaped through the kitchen doors in unison. They could hear Cologne's cackling laughter as the doors swung shut behind them.
Tsuzuki turned to Hisoka, his violet eyes wide. "Hisoka! Did I imagine that, or did the scary lady just pinch out butts?"
"Don't talk to me while I'm suppressing traumatic memories." Hisoka said.
----
None of the Nerimans were enthusiastic about the thought of visiting the Kunos. Ranma explained their reluctance to the shinigami.
"The Kunos are crazy. The brother's stupid. They both think me an' my girl side are two different people, and they're both in love with one side and homicidal towards the other."
Hisoka was not looking forward to meeting people who qualified as crazy by Neriman standards.
----
The Kuno estate turned out to be a vast tract of land with a mansion built along traditional lines. The Kunos were obviously extremely wealthy. The land value alone would probably pay for the last library Tsuzuki had destroyed.
Hisoka could not help but sigh when the Kuno siblings turned out to be two more of the mob that had run he and Tsuzuki down. The pair listened to Tsuzuki's explanation, but Hisoka wondered how much they actually understood. The brother sat and nodded thoughtfully, clearly not understanding the situation and stoically ignoring the black eye Akane had given him when he tried to hug her. Kodachi seemed more concerned with offering Ranma refreshments.
"Never fear, I, Kuno Tatewaki, shall defend the honour of my sister, and with it the honour of all maidens, from that foul beast of lechery!" Kuno declared, heroically brandishing his bokken.
Kodachi laughed. "No need, brother dear. My property is well guarded, and now that my dear Ranma-sama is here to defend me."
"Would you show us your security measures, Miss Kuno?" Hisoka asked, interrupting what looked likely to become a full-blown argument between the Kunos before it started. I think I'm getting the hang of dealing with these people, Hisoka thought. I need to get out of this place.
"Of course," Kodachi said graciously. "But I ask you to be careful not to set off my traps before that disgusting little man arrives. I would have to do them all over again."
----
Kodachi's defences were certainly impressive. If Hisoka hadn't known better, he would have thought he was looking at a high security military facility. An entire section of the grounds were fenced off with wire mesh topped with barbed wire. He didn't have to read the warning signs posted at regular intervals to know that the fence was electrified, as the smell of ozone was heavy in the air. The ground beyond the fence was suspiciously clear. In the middle of the enclosure was a ring of water, and on the small island in the centre, a row of lacy underwear swung from a clothesline.
Ranma looked at the fence sceptically. "I don't think any of this is going to keep Happosai out, Kodachi."
"The fence is merely a decoy. Try throwing something over it."
Ranma blinked at her, then stooped to pick up a rock, which he then tossed gently over the fence. There was a flash and a crackle, making the onlookers jump.
"It's an experimental system." Kodachi said gleefully. "An airborne taser blast. The motion sensors will pick up any intruders going over the fence. The open area is in fact a minefield, and finally, that pond is currently housing my darling little Midorigame."
"Her alligator." Akane explained briefly to the two bemused shinigami.
"Old pervert is sneaky, crazy ribbon girl." Shampoo said with a disdainful sniff. "Still not enough."
"What would you know, you Chinese peasant." Kodachi snapped back.
"I'm afraid I'll have to side with Shampoo on this one, Kodachi," said Ukyo. "Considering Happosai just dug a tunnel under the fence."
Everyone whirled around to look in the direction she was pointing. Twenty metres away a neat tunnel had been dug connecting one side of the tunnel to the other. A wizened little man, every bit as shrunken as Cologne, was waving merrily at them from the other side of the fence. "Nice try, Kodachi, my dear, but not good enough. Come and get me!" He cackled, and bounded towards the minefield."
"Thou most pestilent knave!" Kuno thundered. "I shall smite thee!" He leaped for the top of the fence. This time, Kodachi's security system worked perfectly. Kuno collapsed back onto the ground in a slightly smoking heap.
"Come back here, Letch!" Ranma roared, darting towards the hole, followed closely by Ryoga and Mousse. The three of them tried to dive in at once, resulting in a collision of heads.
"Let's go Hisoka," Tsuzuki said. "Be careful of those mines."
"Be careful yourself." Hisoka teleported to the other side of the fence and Tsuzuki followed a second later.
The three boys managed to wriggle through the tunnel one at a time. Upon emerging and shaking off the dirt, they found not only the shinigami, but also the four girls already there, contemplating the minefield.
"How did you get through?" Ranma demanded.
Akane rolled her eyes. "Since the fence was obviously useless now, Kodachi turned off the electricity and we came in through the gate. Idiot."
The boys blushed.
"Anyway, how do we get through the minefield? Happosai's already halfway across!" Ryoga said, looking towards the little man who was steadily picking his way through the mines.
"Follow me of course. Stand only where I stand." Kodachi said.
"Miss Kuno," Hisoka said. "If you will excuse us, Tsuzuki and I will wait for you on the island. There are no traps there, right?"
"No," Kodachi began. "But how are going to…"
Let's go, Hisoka!" Tsuzuki and Hisoka rose into the air before Kodachi finished speaking.
"Hey, that's pretty cool." Ranma said. He paused. "Wait a minute, that's not fair, guys. Take me with you!"
Hisoka and Tsuzuki obligingly looped back around, hooked Ranma underneath the arms, and flew off again with the boy dangling between them.
"Come back here Ranma, you cheater!" Ryoga yelled.
"Wow, they can fly too? They're men of many talents." Ukyo said, gazing admiringly after them.
"Yes. Too bad they is already dead." Shampoo replied, looking after them also.
"We're being left behind!" It'll be over before we get there. Ranma, you bastard!" Ryoga charged off into the minefield.
"Shampoo, I shall prove myself worthy of you in mortal combat!" Mousse declared, racing after Ryoga.
The girls sighed as the explosions began. Ryoga didn't notice the shrapnel bouncing off his skin. Mousse yelped and fended off the flying metal with a mediaeval shield he produced from his robes.
"Men is stupid." Shampoo said. Akane, Ukyo and Kodachi nodded.
----
Hisoka and Tsuzuki set Ranma on his feet and alighted on the little island just as Happosai cleared the minefield. He grinned at them from across the water.
"Hello Ranma. Made friends with the shinigami, have you? No accounting for tastes, I suppose, but it's rather a dead-end relationship."
Ranma cracked his knuckles. "You're goin' down, Happosai."
"Happosai," Tsuzuki said. "We're going to ask you to come along with us quietly. We don't want to cause trouble for the Kunos."
"Well, well." Happosai's beady little eyes darted back and forward between the two shinigami. "I haven't seen you two before. Called for reinforcements, did they?"
"It doesn't matter who we are." Hisoka said shortly. Being in the presence of the foul little man was having much the same effect on Hisoka's psychic senses as a visit to the sewers would have on his nose. Hisoka began to pray that he would be able to keep his breakfast down. He struggled to keep his tone reasonably pleasant. "Please come with us. You've well and truly overstayed your time."
"I don't think so." Happosai's tone was equally pleasant. "I like it here. I have students to train, pretty girls to admire, and lots of silky darlings to liberate. Speaking of which, I think I'll be liberating those lovely examples behind you." He leaped into the air, bounced off Midorigame's nose as the alligator burst out of the water and snapped at him, and landed on the other side.
"No you don't, freak!" Ranma roared, launching himself at Happosai. The old man jumped to meet him, and the two exchanged a flurry of blows in midair.
"Ranma, stop showing off!"
"I will prove myself worthy of you, Shampoo!"
Ryoga and Mousse launched into the fray, propelled from behind by an explosion. Even with the three-to-one odds, no one was landing an effective blow on Happosai. In fact, Mousse and Ryoga seemed to be just as intent on fighting Ranma, as they were the old man. Hisoka wondered if they even remembered what they were supposed to be doing.
"Damn." Tsuzuki swore. Hisoka glanced at him, and saw that his partner had an ofuda ready between two fingers. "We can't do anything with them in the way like that."
"Duck!" Hisoka tackled his partner out of the way as a sword and a selection of daggers were sent whistling towards where they had been standing, courtesy of Happosai deflecting Mousse's attack. "This is ridiculous." He said as they regained their feet.
"My laundry is being soiled!" The girls had arrived at the opposite side of the water. Kodachi looked furious. She produced a mobile phone, punched in a number and spoke into it sharply. "Sasuke, extend the bridge."
A moment later, a flat metal bridge extended from one bank with a mechanical rumble and connected to the other side, allowing the girls to walk across.
"Ranma-sama, don't let him get away!"
"I'm tryin', Kodachi." Ranma replied through gritted teeth, blocking a blow from Happosai.
"You boys can't possibly beat me!" In quick succession, Happosai punched Ryoga in the stomach, kicked Mousse in the head, and flipped Ranma over his shoulder, sending them crashing to the ground. They lay there, stunned by the force of their impact.
Happosai landed on the clothesline and perched there like a very ugly bird. "You always have the best panties, Kodachi, darlin'." He whisked the garments off the line and stuffed them in the sack on his back.
"Of course. Now, unhand them, thief." Kodachi sent her gymnastic ribbon whipping towards him. The other girls ranged themselves beside her and assumed battle ready stances.
Happosai easily evaded Kodachi's attack. She stood frozen for a second, and then looked down to see the little man nuzzling between her breasts. She shrieked and batted him off. He bounced over to Ukyo, who swung at him with her giant spatula. "You really should flaunt your assets more, Ukyo." He said, which earned him a whack that sent him careening towards Shampoo. "Shampoo, honey!"
"You not even try it, Happy." Shampoo hissed, kicking him before he reached her and deflecting him towards Akane. He clamped onto her chest before she could avoid him.
"Ah, sweet Akane," he sighed. "Always ready with bosom for me to lay my weary head on."
"Pervert!" Akane drew back her fist and punched him in the jaw. Happosai skidded along the ground until he reached Hisoka and Tsuzuki's feet. The little man picked himself up and dusted off, before directing a sharp look up at them.
"Happosai. If you won't come with us quietly, we are going to have to use force." Tsuzuki said calmly, ignoring the fact that the martial artists had been using force for several minutes without much success. He held his ofuda in front of him and it crackled with power.
Happosai stepped back, and an ugly look came into his eyes. Hisoka didn't need his empathy to know that his partner was losing his temper. Happosai, with his blatant disregard for the safety and personal space of others, was just the kind of person to infuriate him. Only a fool would not fear Tsuzuki's power when it was directed at him, and Happosai was no fool. He retreated from the unexpectedly powerful opponent, and launched a counterattack on what he believed to be a weaker target.
He gave Hisoka an oily smile. "You know, you're really too pretty to be a boy. There's a place in China that can help you with that. You can ask Ranma for directions. Give me a call when you get back, eh?"
Hisoka's world dissolved into a red haze. His frustration with Nerima and its natives and his disgust for Happosai had left him even more volatile than usual. Happosai's comment needed for Hisoka to explode.
"You little bastard!" Hisoka yelled, punctuating his statement with a burst of psychic power that sent Happosai ploughing face-first into the dirt.
When the old man once again got to his feet, he was looking rather singed. He clutched his sack of stolen goods to his chest and glared at the shinigami. "This isn't any fun anymore." He said petulantly. "No fair, picking on an old man."
"Picking on, my butt!" Ranma had recovered, and was diving towards Happosai.
"Not today, Ranma m'boy." Happosai leaped into the air, avoiding Ranma, who, now with too much momentum, landed in the water. Hisoka and Tsuzuki made to follow him into the air when he tossed something towards them and cackled, "What a haul, what a haul!"
Tsuzuki swore. Hisoka identified the object flying towards them – a bomb – a second before it detonated.
The blast washed over the shield hastily constructed by Tsuzuki. Hisoka whipped his head around and saw that his partner had also shielded the girls. Tsuzuki himself looked furious.
"Ranma? Ryoga? Mousse?" Hisoka called, peering through the dust and smoke.
"We're here." A disgruntled female voice said, with a corroborating "quack" and "bwee". Evidently the two boys had dived into the water after Ranma to escape the blast.
The sound of frightened quacks and squeals and splashing water began, and through the settling dust, Hisoka made out a piglet and a duck franticly trying to outswim Midorigame, who had evidently decided they would make a tasty snack. Ranma had made it to shore and was trying to squeeze water from her clothes. Mousse managed to get into the air and Ryoga floundered close enough to land to be scooped up by Akane, who hugged him close and began crooning at 'P-chan'
"Alright." Hisoka could feel his partner forcibly controlling his ire. The Nerimans were certainly sensitive enough to feel the menacing aura emitted by the shinigami. "That didn't go so well. We're going to need a plan – which you lot are going to follow. No arguments. Understood?"
The Nerima martial artists could and often did argue with insanely powerful entities, but apparently they had better sense than to argue with an angry Tsuzuki. It was the first hint of a self-preservation instinct Hisoka had seen in them.
"Yes, sir." Said Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo, Kodachi and Ranma. Mousse's "quack" and Ryoga's "bwee" managed to convey the same subdued agreement.
Author's Note: Thanks to the people that reviewed the first part, and I'm sorry it took so long to get the second up.
To not so innocent bystander: I found the other YNM/R1/2 crossover (hadn't seen it before, thanks!). I think the stories are different enough.
To Twylise: You were right about Tsuzuki and Hisoka not being molested yet, so I sat down and thought about the R1/2 character that it would be most horrifying to get a pass from, and came up with Cologne.