A/N: I finally updated!! For your convience, I'm combining the Peter Pan
chapters. I know, I'm being screwy with my chapter arrangement and
updating, but whatever. I have nothing better to do than mess with your
potentially brain-dead heads. Dammit, that doesn't make sense.........
Disclaimer: Don't own LoD or Disney or any tuna company. Too bad. Also, I'm not a racist. All the racial terms used in this chapter were taken directly from the Disney movie. Cept "Native Neverlanders." And yes, Guaraha is my new bitch. And DRUGS ARE BAD!!
Part Five: Peter Pan
Cast: Peter Pan = Dart; Tinkerbell = Meru; Wendy = Shana; John = Albert; Micheal = Lavitz; Captain Hook = Lloyd; Smee = Haschel; Tiger Lily = Miranda; Indian Chief = Kongol; Lost Boys = Doel, Zieg, Guaraha; Random Pirate = Wink; Random Mermaid = Rose; Special guest appearence by Lenus
Me: Hmm, this is a bigger cast than I thought....
Dart: What the hell, Tina?! You said "Alice in Wonderland" was the last one!!
Me: Well ya know how I lie...
Dart: Just gimme that cast list....WTF?! I'm Peter Pan?!
Me: I would think you'd like the lead role for once...
Dart: But do I hafta wear....tights?
Lloyd: *snigger*
Me: Oh, it's a must *throws him a pair of green tights*
Dart: grr.....
Lavitz: *looks at the cast list* You cast the three biggest guys as lost boys?! Erm, excuse me, the two biggest guys and Guaraha
Guaraha: I'll remember that statement the next time you want me to make you coffee...
Me: WHAT?! I cast Guaraha in this fic?! That cannot be done -- who will get my coffee?! Speaking of which...WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG WITH MY FRAPPACHINO?!
Guaraha: *thru gritted teeth* Coming mistress...
Albert: You could make Wink be your new bitch...she's got nothing to do
Lloyd: Wink's MY bitch
Wink: Huh?
Lloyd: Nothing, baby.
Me: I can't have a GIRL be my bitch, that would just make me a dyke...plus I like Guaraha better *wink*
Meru: He's MY MAN!!!! *Glomps Guaraha*
Me: I'm the author, I have veto power...and go change into your costume
Meru: OOOH!! I GET TO BE A FAIRY!!!!! ^-^ *runs to change*
Me: Maybe I can make Wink be a pirate or something....
Wink: Huh?
Me: Nothing.
Shana: Has anyone seen Rose? Or Zieg?
All: *blink blink*
Me: Miss Diva is still having a fit in her trailer and Zieg is...uh, comforting her....ya know what they say -- "don't come knockin' if the trailer's rockin'"
All: _-
Dart: DADDY!! OMG MENTAL IMAGE!!!!! *Bangs his head against the nearest wall* GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!
Albert: Are you gunna get to the actual fic now?!
Me: Maybe....*examines cast list* Oh, well the parts y'all have now will hafta do...and we don't need any lost boys or mermaids for a while.....ok, PLACES!! ACTION!!!
(Lights up: Cute little Shana is telling her younger brothers Albert and Lavitz [clothed in a white nightgown and pink sleeper, respectively] a story about Dart....Pan?)
Albert: I feel a slight breeze...can we close a window?! Please?!
Lavitz: *constantly pulling on his sleeper* I dunno how babies can move in these, this is so restrictive!!
Me: Well, first of all, they usually don't make pink sleepers for thirty- year-old knights
Lavitz: Shut up, you assigned me this part!
Shana: AHEM!!! Back to my story of Dart...Pan...the boy who never grew up....now THAT's gunna put a damper on my love life...
Albert and Lavitz: MENTAL IMAGE!!!!!! *Bangs their heads against the nearest wall* GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!
Shana and Dart: Shut up
Me: Wait a minute...*reads script* "Dart Pan the boy who never grew up..." that's the Dad's cue...shit, I didn't cast a dad...oh well, I'll hafta substitute *lowers voice* Shana, you are moving out of the nursery tomorrow, you must grow up
All: Now that was scary..
Shana: Oh no! *Crys*
Albert: *adjusts his lensless-glasses* Shana seems a bit too sincere....
(Shana, Albert, and Lavitz fall asleep)
All: That's a little random
Me: WAIT!! Lavitz needs his teddy bear...
Lavitz: You've got to be kidding me
Me: Oh shut up, you already put on two song and dance numbers, is a teddy bear really that bad?
Lavitz: I was high offa paint for one of those numbers...so I do not take responsiblity for my own actions
Me: Just take the damn bear!!
Lavitz: FINE! *Cuddles with the bear*
(Enter Dart Pan, looking for his shadow, followed by bite-sized Meru)
Dart: Here, shadow! C'mere shadow!
Shana: Since when did we get a dog?! *Flips on the lights*
Dart: NO!!! Now I will never find my shadow!! *Starts crying*
Lavitz: Be a man, Dart.
Dart: I'm not the one in a pink sleeper cuddling a teddy bear.
Lavitz: Just because I'm more secure with my manhood than you...
Shana: I'm going to ignore Lavitz --
Lavitz: That's nice
Shana: So, um, boy why are you crying?
Dart: I'm not crying
Shana: But you were crying.
Dart: But now I'm not
Shana: But why WERE you crying?
Dart: Because I couldn't find my shadow.
Me: Guaraha, lights...
Dart: *notices his shadow* MY SHADOW!!!!! *Hugs the wall*
Shana, Albert, Lavitz: ....
Albert: So are you who we think you are?
Dart: *stands with legs apart, hands on hips, and chest out* I'm Dart Pan!!!....in tights...
Girls: Oooooh...and we thought your pants were tight....
Dart: *blushes*
Shana: He's mine..back off...
Lavitz: So does that mean you'll take us away to Never-neverland?! *Hops up and down with the bear*
Albert: I believe that is a double-negative
Me: SHUT UP!
Dart: You're really scaring me Lavitz
Lavitz: This coming from the guy in tights...
Dart: Yeah, let's go to Neverland!
Shana: Oh, Dart I'm so happy I could kiss you!
Meru: *turns red all over*
Dart: I've been waiting for one of those since the third disk...
(As they pucker up, Meru yanks Shana by the hair)
Shana: OW!!!
Meru: *curses in pixie*
Dart: That's not very nice....
Albert: I want to get on with the story -- how do you get to Neverland?
Dart: Party pooper -- you just add a little pixie dust *grabs Meru and shakes the dust outta her* Now think of happy thoughts, and you'll fly!
(Even with the happy thoughts, Shana, Albert, Lavitz, and Dart stay firmly on the ground)
Me: He said, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, GUARAHA!!!!
Guaraha: Right! *Pulls hard on a rope*
(Now my wire system is working!)
Guaraha: Don't I hafta get ready for my part?
Me: You'll get ready when I say you get ready...
Dart: Off to Neverland! * "flys" away*
(Next scene: They arrive in Neverland and admire the scenery for a bit, while the crew of the Queen Fury gets a little restless)
Pirates: YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!!!!
Wink: Isn't that the Pirates of Caribbean song? Hey, jackass! Keep your hands offa me!!! *Smack*
Pirate: Oh yeah, she wants me
(Enter first-mate Haschel -- an old, BAD guy)
Haschel: So much for typecasting -- good morning, boys!
Pirate 1: What's so good about it?!
Pirate 2: You go and tell our "honorable" captain that we're tired of chasing Dart Pan!
Pirate 3: We wanna loot ships! Slit throats! Pillage and plunder! Just SOMETHING to get off this island!!
Haschel: Duly noted. You have anything to add, Wink?
Wink: Nope. I'm just here to look pretty.
Haschel: Much like Shana....good morning, Captain Lloyd!
(Haschel approaches Lloyd, the Captain of the Queen Fury, wearing more ruffles than my entire wardrobe, smoking 2 cigars, and gently scratching his face with a plastic hook that I bought at Disneyland. Damn, what a waste of eight dollars.)
Lloyd: *examining a map of Neverland* Where is his hideout?! We've searched every nook and cranny of this island no still NO sign of Dart and the Lost Boys! I must find Dart Pan!
Haschel: Actually, Lloyd --
Lloyd: That's CAPTAIN Lloyd to you
Haschel: Um, right, Captain, the crew wanted to discuss --
Lloyd: *ignore* We could get information out of the mermaids...no, they're too busy playing with their hair....we've already combed every inch of Cannibal Cove....and they're not in the Indian camp either -- *gasp* Haschel, I've got it!!! Miranda!!
Haschel: Miranda?
Lloyd: *grab's Haschel shirt by his hook* The redskins know every inch of this island -- if we capture the cheif's daughter, then they'll lead us straight to Dart!
Haschel: Well, maybe, don't you think that...we could forget about Dart?
Lloyd: FORGET about DART?! How can I when he did THIS *brandishes his hook* to me?!
Haschel: *removes Lloyd's plastic hook to reveal a full-functioning hand*
Lloyd: *wiggles his fingers, and takes back the hook* That's besides the point. With or without a hand, I still have a ticking crocodile after me because of his "childish" pranks!
Haschel: No, you have Lenus in a crocodile suit holding an alarm clock after you.
Me: Who volunteered for this part, might I add.
Lenus: *alarm clock: tick tock* Come back my love!!
Lloyd: God, why won't that woman take a hint!! I LEFT YOU TO DIE!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?!?!
Lenus: But we were meant to be, Lloyd!!
Lloyd: *looking through a telescope* At least I found Dart! Look at that fool! Sitting on a cloud like a sitting duck!
Haschel: Yes, we have established that he is sitting.
Lloyd: Shut up and get the cannons ready.
(Back to the sitting ducks)
Shana: Wow, Dart, it's so beautiful!
Dart: I know
Albert: There's the Indian camp --
Shana: -- and the Mermaid Lagoon --
Lavitz: -- and Captain Lloyd's pirate ship!
All: Pirate ship?!
*Cannon ball is fired at them*
Dart: DUCK!!
Shana: *smacks Lavitz* Why didn't you mention that first?!
Dart: Meru, you take Shana and the boys down to Hangman's Tree...I'll take care of Lloyd.
(So Dart, being the masculine hero that he is, flys down to fight the pirates while Meru jets down into the Lost Boys' hideout [Hangman's Tree] and wakes them up from their little siesta. Shana, Lavitz, and Albert lag behind.)
Meru: *flys down to the Lost Boys and whispers in their ears*
Lost Boys: *shoot down Shana with sling-shots as she flys past*
Shana: AAAAAH!!
Me: Guaraha, I hope you positioned a mattress before hand...
Guaraha: Whoops.
Dart: *catches Shana* Lost Boys!! Why did you do that?!
Guaraha: *in a fox costume* Meru said that YOU said that she was a Shana- bird to be shot down!
Dart: And you believed her?
Meru: *giggle*
Dart: Meru, you face charges of high treason! How do you plea?
Meru: *shakes her hips indicating the two syllables "guil-ty" *
Dart: Didn't you know that you woulda killed Shana?
Meru: *nods her head*
Dart: Well, then I hearby banish Meru from the hideout...FOREVER!
All: *gasp* Not forever!!
Meru: *death glare, then flys away*
Dart: Well...maybe a week then. And from now on, the Lost Boys only take orders from me!
Zieg: Why is the little one commanding US?! The BIGGEST characters in the game?! Well, except for Guaraha
Guaraha: grrr....
Zieg: And why am I the one in the rabbit suit?!
Me: Because you were the only one who fit it
Doel: *in the skunk costume* I feel the need to kill something....like, let's say MY NEPHEW!!
Albert: I'm *cough* not your nephew I'm *cough* John Darling *cough*
Doel: Well, you're fruity, just like my nephew...
Albert: That was uncalled for...besides, remember the last TWO times you tried to kill me?!
Doel: I'd...rather not talk about that...
Zieg: Why don't we redirect our anger to the Injuns
Guaraha: That's so offensive -- they are called Native Neverlanders
Albert: I believe there is no such word as "Neverlanders"
Lavitz: Can I be the leader?! Pleeeeease!!!!
Zieg: We do NOT follow full-grown men in pink sleepers and carrying teddy bears
Lavitz: *hugs the bear* Don't hate on the bear
Albert: *puts on a top hat* I'm the leader!! *Glares at me* But I REFUSE to sing!
Lost Boys: Us too. We refuse
Me: Fine. You'll just listen to the annoying kids on the soundtrack. *Plays the soundtrack*
Soundtrack: *in a super-high squeaky vice* WE'RE FOLLOWING THE LEADER, THE LEADER, THE LEADER! FOLLOWING THE LEADER WHEREVER HE MAY GO!
Albert: *covering his ears* Are you sure this isn't Miranda singing?!
Miranda: [still a mute] *flips him off*
(They march to the beat of the annoying singers until they find themselves in a clearing surrounded by trees. Albert is the first one to spot the footprints on the ground)
Lost Boys: INDIANS! *Digs war trenches*
Guaraha: Native Neverlanders!!
Albert: Judging by the distance between the heel and the toe, and the location of the prints....
Lavitz: Oh god, he's going into egghead mode *walks away* I bet there aren't even any "native neverlanders" on the island....ooh, look, a feather! *Bends down to pick up the feather, and notices a tomahawk inbedded in the tree inches from his head* Ooh, how convient!
(Lavitz then begins to jump and prance around with his new treasures like the stereotypical Indians you see in bad western movies. While he's having his moment of fun, he notices that the evergreen tree that was five feet away from him is now directly behind him)
Lavitz: That's strange....*lifts up the bottom branches of the tree to see two moccasin-clad feet* ALBERT ALBERT ALBERT!!
Albert: *talking to the Lost Boys* Now, the best course of action is --
Doel: Who died and made you king?!
Albert: Uh, lemme think -- YOU!
Doel: Oh...but that doesn't count, you killed me!!
Albert: Well you killed my father!!
Lavitz: Albert!! Doel!! Zieg!! Guaraha!! I found them -- I -- *is pulled into the tree by mysterious arms*
(While the Boys are arguing, various tree close in on the burly group)
Albert: As I was saying...the best course of action is to sneak up on them and take them by sur-PRISE!!
(Albert, soon followed by Doel, Zieg, and Guaraha, are captured by the trees and lead away in rope chains to the Indian camp)
~ ~ ~
(Next scene: Albert, Lavitz, and the Lost Boys are tied to the stake in the center of drumming and dancing natives. Lavitz's bear gets his own special stake)
Doel: Nice going, Albert! BRILLANT idea to have a sneak attack...too bad THEY thought of it first!!
Zieg: Just shut your ass up, Doel!! You don't always have to argue with him!!
Doel: Nobody asked your opinion, Melbu!
Zieg: Call me that again, and watch what happens to that pretty face of yours
(Enter Chief Kongol, dressed in his traditional LoD outfit...cept for that huge feather headress)
Kongol: How!
Albert: *rolls eyes* Oh god
All: How!
Kongol: Many moons *opens arms gesturing the moon* we fight pale-faced Lost Boys. Sometimes, you win; sometimes, we win.
Guaraha: Yes, now let's just say that YOU win, now turn us loose
Albert: Turn us loose? You mean this is a game?
Zieg: Yeah -- we win, we turn 'em loose; they win, they turn us loose
Kongol: NO GAME! No turn 'em loose
Doel: No turn 'em loose?!
Kongol: Tell me where you hide Princess Miranda
Zieg: We don't got your princess!
Albert: I certainly haven't seen her
Lavitz: Me neither, thank god.
Kongol: YOU BIG LIAR!! If Miranda no back before sunset....*deep, foreboding voice* burn them at stake....
All: *gulp*
(As Albert, Lavitz, the Lost Boys face certain death at the hands of Kongol's tribe of Indians *ahem* excuse me, Native Neverlanders, Dart and Shana stay behind)
Dart: I wanna show you something
[Oooh....get 'em, Dart!]
Shana: Please no more flying...
Guaraha: WHAT?! More flying?! Okay *activates wire system*
Shana: *screams*
Dart: Okay, maybe we'll walk to Mermaid Lagoon
(At Mermaid Lagoon, we find three skanty-clad mermaids, frolicing in the water -- )
Shana: *glares at Dart* This isn't exactly what I expected...
Dart: *nervous grin* Heh
( -- and one really pissed-off mermaid wearing full-blown armor [except for the tail, of course] and wielding a sword)
Me: ROSE!! Must you make everything impossible?!
Rose: Yes. There is no way in HELL I'm wearing starfishes over my breasts!!
Dart: hehe, she said "breast"
Shana: *smacks Dart*
Me: And who gave you back your sword?!?!
Dart: NOT ME!! Please don't shoot me....
Me: I WILL find the new person who provided Rose with her weapon....while you guys are continuing with the story
All: *groan*
Rose: So who's your friend here, Dart?
Mermaid 2: *insulted* And in her nightdress, too!
Shana: Oh, and you four are the epitome of modesty?
Dart: Girls, this is Shana
Rose: *evil grin* Do you swim, Shana?
Shana: Um...no...
Rose: Of course you do *splashes Shana*
Other Mermaids: *splashes Shana, and pull her into the lagoon*
Shana: *screams* Dart, make them stop! *Threatens the mermaids with a shell*
Dart: *takes away the shell* Aw, c'mon Shana! They're just havin' a little fun!
Rose: *innocently twirls hair* Yeah, we were only trying to drown her
Shana: DROWN me?! Dart, if you think I'm gunna take this kind of abuse from your GROUPIES then --
(Dart placed a hand over Shana's mouth after he noticed a small boat, powered by Haschel, row by carrying Lloyd and the captured Indian Princess Miranda. Following them was the constant tick-tock of Lenus's alarm clock)
Lenus: Lloyd, my love!!
Lloyd: Row faster Haschel!
Dart: Yup, it's Lloyd...and he's got Miranda captured
Me: That's just what my narrator said!
Dart: C'mon Shana, it looks like they're headed for Skull Rock -- let's go!
Shana: Fine.
Rose: *smirk* Bye Dart
Dart: Bye girls
Shana: *smacks Dart*
THE NEW SHIT BELOW!
(Next scene: Dart and Shana hide in the shadows and watch Captain Lloyd try to get information out of Miranda)
Lloyd: C'mon now, Princess....tell me, where is Dart's hideout?!
Haschel: Um..Captain, isn't this kinda pointless? I mean, Tina DID make her a mute
Lloyd: Oh yeah....then, wait how am I supposed to continue?!
Me: You don't get any information out of her anyway, so there's no point in me giving her voice back *holds a glowing shell-necklace and laughs manically*
Miranda: *flips me off*
Lloyd: Uh....I think you're a little late on that, Tina -- "The Little Mermaid" was chapter 2
Me: Shut up and go on pretending that you will eventually get information from her.
Lloyd: Dammit....so, anyway, Miranda about Dart....
Dart: *to Shana* Watch this...
(He flys to the entrance of the cave and cups his hands around his mouth and says in a low, menacing voice)
Dart: Llllooooyd....you're a dumbass....
Lloyd: Haschel, I don't need any comments from you!
Haschel: That wasn't me
Dart: And your dick is really smaaaaaaaaaaall....
Shana: *giggles*
Lloyd: *blushes* Who the hell said that!?
Dart: The Spirit of the Seeeeeaaaaa......
Lloyd: More like chicken of the sea
Jessica Simpson: Is it chicken, or is it tuna?
All: .... where did she come from?!
Me: *coughditzcough*
Haschel: *sigh* One of the many mysteries of life. *Turns to me*
Me: Don't look at me, I buy Starkist.
Dart: Back to meeeeeeee the Spirit of the Seeeeeeaaaaaaaa.....and if you don't release Miranda then you will suffer my wrath! *Echos* wrath....wrath....wrath....
Haschel: *shaking* M-maybe we should release her
Lloyd: Don't be a pansy, Haschel! I'll go and check out this "Spirit of the Sea"
(As Lloyd goes to investigate, Dart flys over to a rock above Haschel and Miranda and, using his cute little green hat as an amplifier, orders Haschel around by mimicing Lloyd's voice)
Dart: Haschel!
Haschel: Captain?
Dart: Yes, it's me, the girly-man who is an insult to all Winglies, Lloyd
Lloyd Glompers: *bulging out of their steel cage, foaming at the mouth*
Me: *with a whip and chair* Back! *Crack* Back I say! *crack*
Haschel: O....k....
Dart: Listen! I want you to put Miranda in that little boat of yours and row her back to her people
Haschel: Why?
Dart: Because I will it!
Haschel: That's not a very good reason
Dart: I don't care! Take Miranda back to her people!
Haschel: Fine then *hoists Miranda back into the rowboat* We have no use for a mute anyway.
Miranda: *sticks out her tongue*
Haschel: *rowing out to sea, humming "Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)"*
Lloyd: *notices Haschel* Haschel, what the hell are you doing?
Haschel: Taking Miranda back to her people
Lloyd: No, I mean with the humming -- you can NOT hold a tune for the life of you!
Haschel: Okay, you're getting your ass beat after filming, Wingly!
Lloyd: Of course I am...but what was that about "taking Miranda back to her people"?
Haschel: Oh yeah -- I'm taking her back
Lloyd: Why?
Haschel: Because you "willed" it
Lloyd: I never "willed" that
Haschel: Uh, yeah you did
Lloyd: Uh, no I didn't. Go put her back.
Haschel: Why?
Lloyd: Because I will it!! THERE now put her back!
Haschel: Back to her people? Or back into the water?
Lloyd: *growls* Back to the water!!
Haschel: *turns the boat around* Fine then...damn, make up your mind
(Haschel rows back to where Lloyd originally had Miranda, and places her back into the rising tide)
Dart: *still mimicing Lloyd* What do you think you're doing?!
Haschel: Doing what you "willed"
Dart: I willed that Miranda be returned to Kongol!
Haschel: NO you didn't! You told me to put her back in the water!
Dart: NO you senile old fool! I willed that Miranda be returned to her people and never be harmed again!
Haschel: I think you just made that last one up just now
Dart: SILENCE!! Either you take Miranda back or I personally see that you are never reunited with your daughter again...UNDERSTAND?!?!
Haschel: *lip quivers* Claire....WHY CLAIRE???
Miranda: *rolls her eyes*
(As Haschel is crying, he has yet ANOTHER flashback to Rouge!!)
Dart: Haschel, focus.
Haschel: FINE! Fine, I'm placing her back into my boat...I am rowing back to the island...
(Meanwhile, Lloyd followed Haschel to see who was giving him orders. He found Dart sitting, causally commanding Haschel using his hat.)
Dart: Very good...oh yeah, when you go back to the Queen Fury, tell the crew to help themselves to my very best rum
Lloyd: Hell no!! NO ONE touches my rum!! *Prepares to strike*
Shana: Dart look out!!
(Thanks to Shana's warning and Lloyd's outburst about his rum, Dart successfully dodged Lloyd's attack)
Lloyd: *to Shana* Rose's right, you ARE useless!
Shana: *sticks her tongue at Rose*
Rose: *backstage* Oooh, I'm sooooo scared
Lloyd: *still trying to attack Dart with his plastic hook* Dammit, hold still!
Dart: Nyeah nyeah! *Flys down and hands Haschel a pistol* Try your luck, Mr. Haschel?
Haschel: At what?
Dart: At shooting me, stupid
Haschel: How dare you disrespect your grandfather! *Fires a shot, but Dart dodges*
Dart: Shit, he has better aim than I thought!
(Clever little Dart then flys directly in front of Lloyd)
Lloyd: No, Haschel!
Haschel: Oh, don't tempt me *fires*
(Dart flys out of the path of the bullet, while Lloyd falls into the water, apparently shot)
Dart: *flys up to a cliff and takes off his hat* We mourn a great captain, cut down in the prime of his life....like I didn't already do that before....
Lloyd: *sneaking up behind him, sword drawn* What a touching eulogy
(Oh my god, he's alive!)
Haschel: Captain! You're alive!
Dart: *flys away*
Lloyd: Thanks, dumbass, you ruined my element of surprise.
Dart: *standing behind Lloyd* Surprise *pushes him off the cliff*
(Now Lloyd is dangling by his plastic hook, which is gunna give any minute)
Me: You break it, you owe me eight bucks, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Okay Dart, just...pull me up and we'll leave Miranda and her tribe alone.
Dart: Oh, I think I'd rather watch you squirm first
Lenus: *in the croc suit* Don't worry my love! I'll catch you!
Lloyd: Dart you bastard, pull me up!
Dart: Too bad that plastic thing just broke.
Lloyd: Shit *falls into the arms of Lenus*
Me: Eight bucks!! That's coming outta you're paycheck.
Lloyd: *being squeezed to death* You mean my IMAGINARY paycheck?! Get off me, woman!!
Haschel: *rowing away* We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo ho....
(Next scene: Celebrating with Kongol, Miranda, and the rest of the "Native Neverlanders." That only means one thing....)
All: PEACE PIPE!!
Shana: Drugs are bad, I thought we established that with "Alice and Wonderland"
Lavitz: If you don't like it, you don't hafta participate *inhales from the peace pipe and passes it to Dart*
Shana: Fine then, I won't.
Dart: *inhales, and then goes into a coughing fit* Holy shit! *Passes it to Albert*
Albert: I think I agree with Shana, I really don't think that this is proper --
Dart: Al, the peace pipe is supposed to go in your MOUTH not up your ass
All: *gives Dart weird looks*
Dart: It's an expression. Just take a hit.
Albert: Okay *inhales, then goes into a coughing fit* Holy shit!
All: *applauds*
Doel: Quit hoggin' the goods! *Steals the peace pipe*
Zieg: So, Kongol -- what makes the redman red?
Kongol: Me not red.
Zieg: But you play an Indian, and they were called redmen
Kongol: But, me no Indian
Guaraha: Native Neverlander!
Doel: Shut up, Tiny
Zieg: But you portray an Indian --
Kongol: Me still no Indian
Zieg: I KNOW that you're not an Indian, but for the sake of the STORY
Kongol: Me still no red.
Zieg: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! Dammit, Kongol, you're screwing up the song introduction! Oh, screw it, pass me that shit *inhales from the peace pipe*
Miranda: *displaying an array of obscene gestures*
Shana: Dumbasses
(All the while, Meru is off in the distance pouting because she can't join the party)
Meru: *pouts*
(And then Haschel captures her and takes her to Lloyd. Now, to the pirate ship.....)
Lloyd: Tell me, where is Dart's hideout??
Meru: *nyeah nyeah*
Lloyd: C'mon, ya need to tell me the hideout so that we can move on with the fic and then I can get away from Lenus!
Lenus: *sitting in the water, still in the croc suit* My love, I will wait for you for an eternity!
Lloyd: My god, she is pathetic!
Meru: *nods*
Lloyd: C'mon, Meru. From one Wingly to another.
Meru: *ponders, then points to Hangman's Tree on the map*
Lloyd: Thanks for the help, dear. Oh, and I won't lay a finger -- or a hook, on Dart. I promise.
Meru: *pixie equivalent of "whatever"*
(We now transition to Lloyd capturing Shana, Albert, Lavitz, and the Lost Boys. I know, Shana sings about mothers and stuff like that, but do you REALLY wanna hear Shana sing?)
All [including Shana]: No.
(My point exactly. So, Lloyd lowers a bomb into the treehouse, as a way to eliminate Dart without physically touching him)
Lloyd: Hehehehe.....
Dart: Pussy.
Me: Alright, people, to the Queen Fury. I'm about to blow up the hideout.
All: *covers ears*
Me: I've always wanted to do this....hmmmm, what does this button do? *Presses button*
*KABOOM*
Lloyd: My revenge is complete! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Doel: Ah, shove it Lloyd, the director planned it like that.
Lloyd: Silence, you inferior being!
Melbu: That's MY line, bastard!
All: *blink blink*
Melbu: Whoops *leaves*
Dart: *walking causally onto the deck of the Queen Fury, stuffing his face with crossant sandwiches* What the hell was that big explosion?
Lloyd: !!!!! Nooooooooo, you -- you --
Dart: Went across the street for sandwiches. Your caterers suck, Tina
Caterers: F*ck you too
Me: You can't deny that Daily Perks has the best crossant sandwiches.
Lloyd: That's not in the script! You're supposed to die and then I win!
Haschel: Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd read the script again if I were you *hands him a script*
Lloyd: *reads it again* Oh. Meru was actually supposed to escape and warn you and then Dart survives and beats my ass anyway. Shit.
Dart: *finishing his sandwich*
Guaraha: You better have saved some for me
Zieg and Doel: Us too.
Dart: Buy your own damn sandwiches, I hafta fight an epic duel with Lloyd so I can free you guys.
Albert and Lavitz: *obviously sarcastic* Our hero
Lloyd: Oh, fine then, let's get this over with.
(The epic battle commences. Lots of swashing buckles and buckling swashes. Dart and Lloyd eventually end up at the top of the mast, and Lloyd once again ends up at the mercy of Dart)
Dart: I love this part
Lloyd: *wrapped in the pirate flag* Just hurry up and kill me.
Dart: No. Torture is better. Now, spin around three times while singing "I Feel Pretty"
Lloyd: Hells no!
Dart: Fine then. Ooooh, Len~us!
Lenus: I'll catch you my love! We'll run away together, and have six children! There names shall be Luna, Luis, Lucky, Linda, Leora, and Bob!
Lloyd: GAAH! PSYCHO LADY!! *Spins around three times and sings "I Feel Pretty"*
Shana and Lost Boys: *fall to the floor laughing*
Lloyd: There. You have thoroughly humiliated me. Can you PLEASE set me free so we can end this damn atrocity?
Dart: Well....I dunno....
Lenus: C'mon, Dart! The faster you end, the faster me and my love can get to procreating! *wink*
Lloyd: NO! I will NOT procreate with that -- that --
Albert: Atrocity?
Lloyd: Yes. Atrocity.
Lenus: *annoying laughter* Oh, sweetie, you're such a kidder! Hurry up, Dart.
Dart: *evil grin* In that case, you're free to go Lloyd.
Lenus: YAY! *glomps Lloyd*
Lloyd: I hate you.
Guaraha: Is that the end?
Lavitz: What about flying back to London in the pirate ship? I wanna be a pirate, ARRGH!!
Rose: ANYTHING to get you outta that ridiculous sleeper! And me outta this fin....damn costumes...*flop*
Albert: Let's just go to Daily Perks, I'm hankering for a crossant sandwich.
Doel: Albert's buying!
All: Yay!
Albert: Damn you.
~ ~ THE END ~ ~
Disclaimer: Don't own LoD or Disney or any tuna company. Too bad. Also, I'm not a racist. All the racial terms used in this chapter were taken directly from the Disney movie. Cept "Native Neverlanders." And yes, Guaraha is my new bitch. And DRUGS ARE BAD!!
Part Five: Peter Pan
Cast: Peter Pan = Dart; Tinkerbell = Meru; Wendy = Shana; John = Albert; Micheal = Lavitz; Captain Hook = Lloyd; Smee = Haschel; Tiger Lily = Miranda; Indian Chief = Kongol; Lost Boys = Doel, Zieg, Guaraha; Random Pirate = Wink; Random Mermaid = Rose; Special guest appearence by Lenus
Me: Hmm, this is a bigger cast than I thought....
Dart: What the hell, Tina?! You said "Alice in Wonderland" was the last one!!
Me: Well ya know how I lie...
Dart: Just gimme that cast list....WTF?! I'm Peter Pan?!
Me: I would think you'd like the lead role for once...
Dart: But do I hafta wear....tights?
Lloyd: *snigger*
Me: Oh, it's a must *throws him a pair of green tights*
Dart: grr.....
Lavitz: *looks at the cast list* You cast the three biggest guys as lost boys?! Erm, excuse me, the two biggest guys and Guaraha
Guaraha: I'll remember that statement the next time you want me to make you coffee...
Me: WHAT?! I cast Guaraha in this fic?! That cannot be done -- who will get my coffee?! Speaking of which...WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG WITH MY FRAPPACHINO?!
Guaraha: *thru gritted teeth* Coming mistress...
Albert: You could make Wink be your new bitch...she's got nothing to do
Lloyd: Wink's MY bitch
Wink: Huh?
Lloyd: Nothing, baby.
Me: I can't have a GIRL be my bitch, that would just make me a dyke...plus I like Guaraha better *wink*
Meru: He's MY MAN!!!! *Glomps Guaraha*
Me: I'm the author, I have veto power...and go change into your costume
Meru: OOOH!! I GET TO BE A FAIRY!!!!! ^-^ *runs to change*
Me: Maybe I can make Wink be a pirate or something....
Wink: Huh?
Me: Nothing.
Shana: Has anyone seen Rose? Or Zieg?
All: *blink blink*
Me: Miss Diva is still having a fit in her trailer and Zieg is...uh, comforting her....ya know what they say -- "don't come knockin' if the trailer's rockin'"
All: _-
Dart: DADDY!! OMG MENTAL IMAGE!!!!! *Bangs his head against the nearest wall* GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!
Albert: Are you gunna get to the actual fic now?!
Me: Maybe....*examines cast list* Oh, well the parts y'all have now will hafta do...and we don't need any lost boys or mermaids for a while.....ok, PLACES!! ACTION!!!
(Lights up: Cute little Shana is telling her younger brothers Albert and Lavitz [clothed in a white nightgown and pink sleeper, respectively] a story about Dart....Pan?)
Albert: I feel a slight breeze...can we close a window?! Please?!
Lavitz: *constantly pulling on his sleeper* I dunno how babies can move in these, this is so restrictive!!
Me: Well, first of all, they usually don't make pink sleepers for thirty- year-old knights
Lavitz: Shut up, you assigned me this part!
Shana: AHEM!!! Back to my story of Dart...Pan...the boy who never grew up....now THAT's gunna put a damper on my love life...
Albert and Lavitz: MENTAL IMAGE!!!!!! *Bangs their heads against the nearest wall* GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!
Shana and Dart: Shut up
Me: Wait a minute...*reads script* "Dart Pan the boy who never grew up..." that's the Dad's cue...shit, I didn't cast a dad...oh well, I'll hafta substitute *lowers voice* Shana, you are moving out of the nursery tomorrow, you must grow up
All: Now that was scary..
Shana: Oh no! *Crys*
Albert: *adjusts his lensless-glasses* Shana seems a bit too sincere....
(Shana, Albert, and Lavitz fall asleep)
All: That's a little random
Me: WAIT!! Lavitz needs his teddy bear...
Lavitz: You've got to be kidding me
Me: Oh shut up, you already put on two song and dance numbers, is a teddy bear really that bad?
Lavitz: I was high offa paint for one of those numbers...so I do not take responsiblity for my own actions
Me: Just take the damn bear!!
Lavitz: FINE! *Cuddles with the bear*
(Enter Dart Pan, looking for his shadow, followed by bite-sized Meru)
Dart: Here, shadow! C'mere shadow!
Shana: Since when did we get a dog?! *Flips on the lights*
Dart: NO!!! Now I will never find my shadow!! *Starts crying*
Lavitz: Be a man, Dart.
Dart: I'm not the one in a pink sleeper cuddling a teddy bear.
Lavitz: Just because I'm more secure with my manhood than you...
Shana: I'm going to ignore Lavitz --
Lavitz: That's nice
Shana: So, um, boy why are you crying?
Dart: I'm not crying
Shana: But you were crying.
Dart: But now I'm not
Shana: But why WERE you crying?
Dart: Because I couldn't find my shadow.
Me: Guaraha, lights...
Dart: *notices his shadow* MY SHADOW!!!!! *Hugs the wall*
Shana, Albert, Lavitz: ....
Albert: So are you who we think you are?
Dart: *stands with legs apart, hands on hips, and chest out* I'm Dart Pan!!!....in tights...
Girls: Oooooh...and we thought your pants were tight....
Dart: *blushes*
Shana: He's mine..back off...
Lavitz: So does that mean you'll take us away to Never-neverland?! *Hops up and down with the bear*
Albert: I believe that is a double-negative
Me: SHUT UP!
Dart: You're really scaring me Lavitz
Lavitz: This coming from the guy in tights...
Dart: Yeah, let's go to Neverland!
Shana: Oh, Dart I'm so happy I could kiss you!
Meru: *turns red all over*
Dart: I've been waiting for one of those since the third disk...
(As they pucker up, Meru yanks Shana by the hair)
Shana: OW!!!
Meru: *curses in pixie*
Dart: That's not very nice....
Albert: I want to get on with the story -- how do you get to Neverland?
Dart: Party pooper -- you just add a little pixie dust *grabs Meru and shakes the dust outta her* Now think of happy thoughts, and you'll fly!
(Even with the happy thoughts, Shana, Albert, Lavitz, and Dart stay firmly on the ground)
Me: He said, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, GUARAHA!!!!
Guaraha: Right! *Pulls hard on a rope*
(Now my wire system is working!)
Guaraha: Don't I hafta get ready for my part?
Me: You'll get ready when I say you get ready...
Dart: Off to Neverland! * "flys" away*
(Next scene: They arrive in Neverland and admire the scenery for a bit, while the crew of the Queen Fury gets a little restless)
Pirates: YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!!!!
Wink: Isn't that the Pirates of Caribbean song? Hey, jackass! Keep your hands offa me!!! *Smack*
Pirate: Oh yeah, she wants me
(Enter first-mate Haschel -- an old, BAD guy)
Haschel: So much for typecasting -- good morning, boys!
Pirate 1: What's so good about it?!
Pirate 2: You go and tell our "honorable" captain that we're tired of chasing Dart Pan!
Pirate 3: We wanna loot ships! Slit throats! Pillage and plunder! Just SOMETHING to get off this island!!
Haschel: Duly noted. You have anything to add, Wink?
Wink: Nope. I'm just here to look pretty.
Haschel: Much like Shana....good morning, Captain Lloyd!
(Haschel approaches Lloyd, the Captain of the Queen Fury, wearing more ruffles than my entire wardrobe, smoking 2 cigars, and gently scratching his face with a plastic hook that I bought at Disneyland. Damn, what a waste of eight dollars.)
Lloyd: *examining a map of Neverland* Where is his hideout?! We've searched every nook and cranny of this island no still NO sign of Dart and the Lost Boys! I must find Dart Pan!
Haschel: Actually, Lloyd --
Lloyd: That's CAPTAIN Lloyd to you
Haschel: Um, right, Captain, the crew wanted to discuss --
Lloyd: *ignore* We could get information out of the mermaids...no, they're too busy playing with their hair....we've already combed every inch of Cannibal Cove....and they're not in the Indian camp either -- *gasp* Haschel, I've got it!!! Miranda!!
Haschel: Miranda?
Lloyd: *grab's Haschel shirt by his hook* The redskins know every inch of this island -- if we capture the cheif's daughter, then they'll lead us straight to Dart!
Haschel: Well, maybe, don't you think that...we could forget about Dart?
Lloyd: FORGET about DART?! How can I when he did THIS *brandishes his hook* to me?!
Haschel: *removes Lloyd's plastic hook to reveal a full-functioning hand*
Lloyd: *wiggles his fingers, and takes back the hook* That's besides the point. With or without a hand, I still have a ticking crocodile after me because of his "childish" pranks!
Haschel: No, you have Lenus in a crocodile suit holding an alarm clock after you.
Me: Who volunteered for this part, might I add.
Lenus: *alarm clock: tick tock* Come back my love!!
Lloyd: God, why won't that woman take a hint!! I LEFT YOU TO DIE!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?!?!
Lenus: But we were meant to be, Lloyd!!
Lloyd: *looking through a telescope* At least I found Dart! Look at that fool! Sitting on a cloud like a sitting duck!
Haschel: Yes, we have established that he is sitting.
Lloyd: Shut up and get the cannons ready.
(Back to the sitting ducks)
Shana: Wow, Dart, it's so beautiful!
Dart: I know
Albert: There's the Indian camp --
Shana: -- and the Mermaid Lagoon --
Lavitz: -- and Captain Lloyd's pirate ship!
All: Pirate ship?!
*Cannon ball is fired at them*
Dart: DUCK!!
Shana: *smacks Lavitz* Why didn't you mention that first?!
Dart: Meru, you take Shana and the boys down to Hangman's Tree...I'll take care of Lloyd.
(So Dart, being the masculine hero that he is, flys down to fight the pirates while Meru jets down into the Lost Boys' hideout [Hangman's Tree] and wakes them up from their little siesta. Shana, Lavitz, and Albert lag behind.)
Meru: *flys down to the Lost Boys and whispers in their ears*
Lost Boys: *shoot down Shana with sling-shots as she flys past*
Shana: AAAAAH!!
Me: Guaraha, I hope you positioned a mattress before hand...
Guaraha: Whoops.
Dart: *catches Shana* Lost Boys!! Why did you do that?!
Guaraha: *in a fox costume* Meru said that YOU said that she was a Shana- bird to be shot down!
Dart: And you believed her?
Meru: *giggle*
Dart: Meru, you face charges of high treason! How do you plea?
Meru: *shakes her hips indicating the two syllables "guil-ty" *
Dart: Didn't you know that you woulda killed Shana?
Meru: *nods her head*
Dart: Well, then I hearby banish Meru from the hideout...FOREVER!
All: *gasp* Not forever!!
Meru: *death glare, then flys away*
Dart: Well...maybe a week then. And from now on, the Lost Boys only take orders from me!
Zieg: Why is the little one commanding US?! The BIGGEST characters in the game?! Well, except for Guaraha
Guaraha: grrr....
Zieg: And why am I the one in the rabbit suit?!
Me: Because you were the only one who fit it
Doel: *in the skunk costume* I feel the need to kill something....like, let's say MY NEPHEW!!
Albert: I'm *cough* not your nephew I'm *cough* John Darling *cough*
Doel: Well, you're fruity, just like my nephew...
Albert: That was uncalled for...besides, remember the last TWO times you tried to kill me?!
Doel: I'd...rather not talk about that...
Zieg: Why don't we redirect our anger to the Injuns
Guaraha: That's so offensive -- they are called Native Neverlanders
Albert: I believe there is no such word as "Neverlanders"
Lavitz: Can I be the leader?! Pleeeeease!!!!
Zieg: We do NOT follow full-grown men in pink sleepers and carrying teddy bears
Lavitz: *hugs the bear* Don't hate on the bear
Albert: *puts on a top hat* I'm the leader!! *Glares at me* But I REFUSE to sing!
Lost Boys: Us too. We refuse
Me: Fine. You'll just listen to the annoying kids on the soundtrack. *Plays the soundtrack*
Soundtrack: *in a super-high squeaky vice* WE'RE FOLLOWING THE LEADER, THE LEADER, THE LEADER! FOLLOWING THE LEADER WHEREVER HE MAY GO!
Albert: *covering his ears* Are you sure this isn't Miranda singing?!
Miranda: [still a mute] *flips him off*
(They march to the beat of the annoying singers until they find themselves in a clearing surrounded by trees. Albert is the first one to spot the footprints on the ground)
Lost Boys: INDIANS! *Digs war trenches*
Guaraha: Native Neverlanders!!
Albert: Judging by the distance between the heel and the toe, and the location of the prints....
Lavitz: Oh god, he's going into egghead mode *walks away* I bet there aren't even any "native neverlanders" on the island....ooh, look, a feather! *Bends down to pick up the feather, and notices a tomahawk inbedded in the tree inches from his head* Ooh, how convient!
(Lavitz then begins to jump and prance around with his new treasures like the stereotypical Indians you see in bad western movies. While he's having his moment of fun, he notices that the evergreen tree that was five feet away from him is now directly behind him)
Lavitz: That's strange....*lifts up the bottom branches of the tree to see two moccasin-clad feet* ALBERT ALBERT ALBERT!!
Albert: *talking to the Lost Boys* Now, the best course of action is --
Doel: Who died and made you king?!
Albert: Uh, lemme think -- YOU!
Doel: Oh...but that doesn't count, you killed me!!
Albert: Well you killed my father!!
Lavitz: Albert!! Doel!! Zieg!! Guaraha!! I found them -- I -- *is pulled into the tree by mysterious arms*
(While the Boys are arguing, various tree close in on the burly group)
Albert: As I was saying...the best course of action is to sneak up on them and take them by sur-PRISE!!
(Albert, soon followed by Doel, Zieg, and Guaraha, are captured by the trees and lead away in rope chains to the Indian camp)
~ ~ ~
(Next scene: Albert, Lavitz, and the Lost Boys are tied to the stake in the center of drumming and dancing natives. Lavitz's bear gets his own special stake)
Doel: Nice going, Albert! BRILLANT idea to have a sneak attack...too bad THEY thought of it first!!
Zieg: Just shut your ass up, Doel!! You don't always have to argue with him!!
Doel: Nobody asked your opinion, Melbu!
Zieg: Call me that again, and watch what happens to that pretty face of yours
(Enter Chief Kongol, dressed in his traditional LoD outfit...cept for that huge feather headress)
Kongol: How!
Albert: *rolls eyes* Oh god
All: How!
Kongol: Many moons *opens arms gesturing the moon* we fight pale-faced Lost Boys. Sometimes, you win; sometimes, we win.
Guaraha: Yes, now let's just say that YOU win, now turn us loose
Albert: Turn us loose? You mean this is a game?
Zieg: Yeah -- we win, we turn 'em loose; they win, they turn us loose
Kongol: NO GAME! No turn 'em loose
Doel: No turn 'em loose?!
Kongol: Tell me where you hide Princess Miranda
Zieg: We don't got your princess!
Albert: I certainly haven't seen her
Lavitz: Me neither, thank god.
Kongol: YOU BIG LIAR!! If Miranda no back before sunset....*deep, foreboding voice* burn them at stake....
All: *gulp*
(As Albert, Lavitz, the Lost Boys face certain death at the hands of Kongol's tribe of Indians *ahem* excuse me, Native Neverlanders, Dart and Shana stay behind)
Dart: I wanna show you something
[Oooh....get 'em, Dart!]
Shana: Please no more flying...
Guaraha: WHAT?! More flying?! Okay *activates wire system*
Shana: *screams*
Dart: Okay, maybe we'll walk to Mermaid Lagoon
(At Mermaid Lagoon, we find three skanty-clad mermaids, frolicing in the water -- )
Shana: *glares at Dart* This isn't exactly what I expected...
Dart: *nervous grin* Heh
( -- and one really pissed-off mermaid wearing full-blown armor [except for the tail, of course] and wielding a sword)
Me: ROSE!! Must you make everything impossible?!
Rose: Yes. There is no way in HELL I'm wearing starfishes over my breasts!!
Dart: hehe, she said "breast"
Shana: *smacks Dart*
Me: And who gave you back your sword?!?!
Dart: NOT ME!! Please don't shoot me....
Me: I WILL find the new person who provided Rose with her weapon....while you guys are continuing with the story
All: *groan*
Rose: So who's your friend here, Dart?
Mermaid 2: *insulted* And in her nightdress, too!
Shana: Oh, and you four are the epitome of modesty?
Dart: Girls, this is Shana
Rose: *evil grin* Do you swim, Shana?
Shana: Um...no...
Rose: Of course you do *splashes Shana*
Other Mermaids: *splashes Shana, and pull her into the lagoon*
Shana: *screams* Dart, make them stop! *Threatens the mermaids with a shell*
Dart: *takes away the shell* Aw, c'mon Shana! They're just havin' a little fun!
Rose: *innocently twirls hair* Yeah, we were only trying to drown her
Shana: DROWN me?! Dart, if you think I'm gunna take this kind of abuse from your GROUPIES then --
(Dart placed a hand over Shana's mouth after he noticed a small boat, powered by Haschel, row by carrying Lloyd and the captured Indian Princess Miranda. Following them was the constant tick-tock of Lenus's alarm clock)
Lenus: Lloyd, my love!!
Lloyd: Row faster Haschel!
Dart: Yup, it's Lloyd...and he's got Miranda captured
Me: That's just what my narrator said!
Dart: C'mon Shana, it looks like they're headed for Skull Rock -- let's go!
Shana: Fine.
Rose: *smirk* Bye Dart
Dart: Bye girls
Shana: *smacks Dart*
THE NEW SHIT BELOW!
(Next scene: Dart and Shana hide in the shadows and watch Captain Lloyd try to get information out of Miranda)
Lloyd: C'mon now, Princess....tell me, where is Dart's hideout?!
Haschel: Um..Captain, isn't this kinda pointless? I mean, Tina DID make her a mute
Lloyd: Oh yeah....then, wait how am I supposed to continue?!
Me: You don't get any information out of her anyway, so there's no point in me giving her voice back *holds a glowing shell-necklace and laughs manically*
Miranda: *flips me off*
Lloyd: Uh....I think you're a little late on that, Tina -- "The Little Mermaid" was chapter 2
Me: Shut up and go on pretending that you will eventually get information from her.
Lloyd: Dammit....so, anyway, Miranda about Dart....
Dart: *to Shana* Watch this...
(He flys to the entrance of the cave and cups his hands around his mouth and says in a low, menacing voice)
Dart: Llllooooyd....you're a dumbass....
Lloyd: Haschel, I don't need any comments from you!
Haschel: That wasn't me
Dart: And your dick is really smaaaaaaaaaaall....
Shana: *giggles*
Lloyd: *blushes* Who the hell said that!?
Dart: The Spirit of the Seeeeeaaaaa......
Lloyd: More like chicken of the sea
Jessica Simpson: Is it chicken, or is it tuna?
All: .... where did she come from?!
Me: *coughditzcough*
Haschel: *sigh* One of the many mysteries of life. *Turns to me*
Me: Don't look at me, I buy Starkist.
Dart: Back to meeeeeeee the Spirit of the Seeeeeeaaaaaaaa.....and if you don't release Miranda then you will suffer my wrath! *Echos* wrath....wrath....wrath....
Haschel: *shaking* M-maybe we should release her
Lloyd: Don't be a pansy, Haschel! I'll go and check out this "Spirit of the Sea"
(As Lloyd goes to investigate, Dart flys over to a rock above Haschel and Miranda and, using his cute little green hat as an amplifier, orders Haschel around by mimicing Lloyd's voice)
Dart: Haschel!
Haschel: Captain?
Dart: Yes, it's me, the girly-man who is an insult to all Winglies, Lloyd
Lloyd Glompers: *bulging out of their steel cage, foaming at the mouth*
Me: *with a whip and chair* Back! *Crack* Back I say! *crack*
Haschel: O....k....
Dart: Listen! I want you to put Miranda in that little boat of yours and row her back to her people
Haschel: Why?
Dart: Because I will it!
Haschel: That's not a very good reason
Dart: I don't care! Take Miranda back to her people!
Haschel: Fine then *hoists Miranda back into the rowboat* We have no use for a mute anyway.
Miranda: *sticks out her tongue*
Haschel: *rowing out to sea, humming "Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)"*
Lloyd: *notices Haschel* Haschel, what the hell are you doing?
Haschel: Taking Miranda back to her people
Lloyd: No, I mean with the humming -- you can NOT hold a tune for the life of you!
Haschel: Okay, you're getting your ass beat after filming, Wingly!
Lloyd: Of course I am...but what was that about "taking Miranda back to her people"?
Haschel: Oh yeah -- I'm taking her back
Lloyd: Why?
Haschel: Because you "willed" it
Lloyd: I never "willed" that
Haschel: Uh, yeah you did
Lloyd: Uh, no I didn't. Go put her back.
Haschel: Why?
Lloyd: Because I will it!! THERE now put her back!
Haschel: Back to her people? Or back into the water?
Lloyd: *growls* Back to the water!!
Haschel: *turns the boat around* Fine then...damn, make up your mind
(Haschel rows back to where Lloyd originally had Miranda, and places her back into the rising tide)
Dart: *still mimicing Lloyd* What do you think you're doing?!
Haschel: Doing what you "willed"
Dart: I willed that Miranda be returned to Kongol!
Haschel: NO you didn't! You told me to put her back in the water!
Dart: NO you senile old fool! I willed that Miranda be returned to her people and never be harmed again!
Haschel: I think you just made that last one up just now
Dart: SILENCE!! Either you take Miranda back or I personally see that you are never reunited with your daughter again...UNDERSTAND?!?!
Haschel: *lip quivers* Claire....WHY CLAIRE???
Miranda: *rolls her eyes*
(As Haschel is crying, he has yet ANOTHER flashback to Rouge!!)
Dart: Haschel, focus.
Haschel: FINE! Fine, I'm placing her back into my boat...I am rowing back to the island...
(Meanwhile, Lloyd followed Haschel to see who was giving him orders. He found Dart sitting, causally commanding Haschel using his hat.)
Dart: Very good...oh yeah, when you go back to the Queen Fury, tell the crew to help themselves to my very best rum
Lloyd: Hell no!! NO ONE touches my rum!! *Prepares to strike*
Shana: Dart look out!!
(Thanks to Shana's warning and Lloyd's outburst about his rum, Dart successfully dodged Lloyd's attack)
Lloyd: *to Shana* Rose's right, you ARE useless!
Shana: *sticks her tongue at Rose*
Rose: *backstage* Oooh, I'm sooooo scared
Lloyd: *still trying to attack Dart with his plastic hook* Dammit, hold still!
Dart: Nyeah nyeah! *Flys down and hands Haschel a pistol* Try your luck, Mr. Haschel?
Haschel: At what?
Dart: At shooting me, stupid
Haschel: How dare you disrespect your grandfather! *Fires a shot, but Dart dodges*
Dart: Shit, he has better aim than I thought!
(Clever little Dart then flys directly in front of Lloyd)
Lloyd: No, Haschel!
Haschel: Oh, don't tempt me *fires*
(Dart flys out of the path of the bullet, while Lloyd falls into the water, apparently shot)
Dart: *flys up to a cliff and takes off his hat* We mourn a great captain, cut down in the prime of his life....like I didn't already do that before....
Lloyd: *sneaking up behind him, sword drawn* What a touching eulogy
(Oh my god, he's alive!)
Haschel: Captain! You're alive!
Dart: *flys away*
Lloyd: Thanks, dumbass, you ruined my element of surprise.
Dart: *standing behind Lloyd* Surprise *pushes him off the cliff*
(Now Lloyd is dangling by his plastic hook, which is gunna give any minute)
Me: You break it, you owe me eight bucks, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Okay Dart, just...pull me up and we'll leave Miranda and her tribe alone.
Dart: Oh, I think I'd rather watch you squirm first
Lenus: *in the croc suit* Don't worry my love! I'll catch you!
Lloyd: Dart you bastard, pull me up!
Dart: Too bad that plastic thing just broke.
Lloyd: Shit *falls into the arms of Lenus*
Me: Eight bucks!! That's coming outta you're paycheck.
Lloyd: *being squeezed to death* You mean my IMAGINARY paycheck?! Get off me, woman!!
Haschel: *rowing away* We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo ho....
(Next scene: Celebrating with Kongol, Miranda, and the rest of the "Native Neverlanders." That only means one thing....)
All: PEACE PIPE!!
Shana: Drugs are bad, I thought we established that with "Alice and Wonderland"
Lavitz: If you don't like it, you don't hafta participate *inhales from the peace pipe and passes it to Dart*
Shana: Fine then, I won't.
Dart: *inhales, and then goes into a coughing fit* Holy shit! *Passes it to Albert*
Albert: I think I agree with Shana, I really don't think that this is proper --
Dart: Al, the peace pipe is supposed to go in your MOUTH not up your ass
All: *gives Dart weird looks*
Dart: It's an expression. Just take a hit.
Albert: Okay *inhales, then goes into a coughing fit* Holy shit!
All: *applauds*
Doel: Quit hoggin' the goods! *Steals the peace pipe*
Zieg: So, Kongol -- what makes the redman red?
Kongol: Me not red.
Zieg: But you play an Indian, and they were called redmen
Kongol: But, me no Indian
Guaraha: Native Neverlander!
Doel: Shut up, Tiny
Zieg: But you portray an Indian --
Kongol: Me still no Indian
Zieg: I KNOW that you're not an Indian, but for the sake of the STORY
Kongol: Me still no red.
Zieg: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! Dammit, Kongol, you're screwing up the song introduction! Oh, screw it, pass me that shit *inhales from the peace pipe*
Miranda: *displaying an array of obscene gestures*
Shana: Dumbasses
(All the while, Meru is off in the distance pouting because she can't join the party)
Meru: *pouts*
(And then Haschel captures her and takes her to Lloyd. Now, to the pirate ship.....)
Lloyd: Tell me, where is Dart's hideout??
Meru: *nyeah nyeah*
Lloyd: C'mon, ya need to tell me the hideout so that we can move on with the fic and then I can get away from Lenus!
Lenus: *sitting in the water, still in the croc suit* My love, I will wait for you for an eternity!
Lloyd: My god, she is pathetic!
Meru: *nods*
Lloyd: C'mon, Meru. From one Wingly to another.
Meru: *ponders, then points to Hangman's Tree on the map*
Lloyd: Thanks for the help, dear. Oh, and I won't lay a finger -- or a hook, on Dart. I promise.
Meru: *pixie equivalent of "whatever"*
(We now transition to Lloyd capturing Shana, Albert, Lavitz, and the Lost Boys. I know, Shana sings about mothers and stuff like that, but do you REALLY wanna hear Shana sing?)
All [including Shana]: No.
(My point exactly. So, Lloyd lowers a bomb into the treehouse, as a way to eliminate Dart without physically touching him)
Lloyd: Hehehehe.....
Dart: Pussy.
Me: Alright, people, to the Queen Fury. I'm about to blow up the hideout.
All: *covers ears*
Me: I've always wanted to do this....hmmmm, what does this button do? *Presses button*
*KABOOM*
Lloyd: My revenge is complete! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Doel: Ah, shove it Lloyd, the director planned it like that.
Lloyd: Silence, you inferior being!
Melbu: That's MY line, bastard!
All: *blink blink*
Melbu: Whoops *leaves*
Dart: *walking causally onto the deck of the Queen Fury, stuffing his face with crossant sandwiches* What the hell was that big explosion?
Lloyd: !!!!! Nooooooooo, you -- you --
Dart: Went across the street for sandwiches. Your caterers suck, Tina
Caterers: F*ck you too
Me: You can't deny that Daily Perks has the best crossant sandwiches.
Lloyd: That's not in the script! You're supposed to die and then I win!
Haschel: Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd read the script again if I were you *hands him a script*
Lloyd: *reads it again* Oh. Meru was actually supposed to escape and warn you and then Dart survives and beats my ass anyway. Shit.
Dart: *finishing his sandwich*
Guaraha: You better have saved some for me
Zieg and Doel: Us too.
Dart: Buy your own damn sandwiches, I hafta fight an epic duel with Lloyd so I can free you guys.
Albert and Lavitz: *obviously sarcastic* Our hero
Lloyd: Oh, fine then, let's get this over with.
(The epic battle commences. Lots of swashing buckles and buckling swashes. Dart and Lloyd eventually end up at the top of the mast, and Lloyd once again ends up at the mercy of Dart)
Dart: I love this part
Lloyd: *wrapped in the pirate flag* Just hurry up and kill me.
Dart: No. Torture is better. Now, spin around three times while singing "I Feel Pretty"
Lloyd: Hells no!
Dart: Fine then. Ooooh, Len~us!
Lenus: I'll catch you my love! We'll run away together, and have six children! There names shall be Luna, Luis, Lucky, Linda, Leora, and Bob!
Lloyd: GAAH! PSYCHO LADY!! *Spins around three times and sings "I Feel Pretty"*
Shana and Lost Boys: *fall to the floor laughing*
Lloyd: There. You have thoroughly humiliated me. Can you PLEASE set me free so we can end this damn atrocity?
Dart: Well....I dunno....
Lenus: C'mon, Dart! The faster you end, the faster me and my love can get to procreating! *wink*
Lloyd: NO! I will NOT procreate with that -- that --
Albert: Atrocity?
Lloyd: Yes. Atrocity.
Lenus: *annoying laughter* Oh, sweetie, you're such a kidder! Hurry up, Dart.
Dart: *evil grin* In that case, you're free to go Lloyd.
Lenus: YAY! *glomps Lloyd*
Lloyd: I hate you.
Guaraha: Is that the end?
Lavitz: What about flying back to London in the pirate ship? I wanna be a pirate, ARRGH!!
Rose: ANYTHING to get you outta that ridiculous sleeper! And me outta this fin....damn costumes...*flop*
Albert: Let's just go to Daily Perks, I'm hankering for a crossant sandwich.
Doel: Albert's buying!
All: Yay!
Albert: Damn you.
~ ~ THE END ~ ~