A/N: I never said the Disney movies had to be ANIMATED. And this is a
basically all three of the movies in one chapter. Three for the price of
one! Yay for you! And I am well aware of the fact that a "stone ball" is
a boulder, but it's more fun to call it a "stone ball." PS: "Mulan" is
next, I PROMISE!!
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney....Harrison Ford, call me!
Part 6: Indiana Jones
Cast: Indiana Jones = Dart, Lloyd, Albert (you'll see why all three are used in a bit); Girls that Indy sleeps with = Shana, Meru, Rose; Guy who dies in the first 10 minutes of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" = Doel; Shana's Drinking Partner = Kongol; Chinese kid from "Temple of Doom" = Lavitz; High Priest from "Temple of Doom" = Miranda; Indy's dad = Haschel
::Raiders of the Lost Ark::
Me: Alright Dart, ya ready?
Dart: *tilts his hat* Yes.
Me: And I must say, you look very sexy in that hat
Dart: Hell yeah.
Me: Okay ..... Guaraha, get ready with effects!
Guaraha: Yes, Mistress.
Me: Alright...go Dart!
(Dart goes up to a golden idol with a bag of sand. Dart examines the idol, then the bag of sand, then the idol, then the bag of sand, then the idol, then --)
Doel: Do something already!!
Dart: Gaah! You ruined my concentration!
Doel: Now! *Throws tomatoes at him*
Dart: Alright! *Replaces the idol with the bag of sand* Happy?
Doel: Yes.
*Rumble*
Guaraha: Hehehe
Dart: Oh shit
(The famous being-chased-by-a-big-stone-ball scene. See Dart. See Dart run.)
Dart: *while running* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!
(See Dart get squished by a stone ball)
Dart: *squish*
(Poor Dart.)
Dart: I want a redo
(The redo)
Dart: *still running from the big stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
(He still gets squished)
Dart: *from under the stone ball* Damn you.
Doel: Maybe if you stop wasting your breath on SCREAMING like a PUSSY, you'd actually outrun the damn thing!
Dart: *reshaping his hat* Shut your trap....Albert's right about you.....
Doel: Oh really? And what does my pansy nephew say about me?
Albert: Only that you are the biggest jackass *cough* I MEAN greatest uncle in the world!
Doel: And when do I come in? I thought I do something before the boulder squishes Spiky over here.
Me: Oh, yeah.
(Okay, so, after Dart replaces the idol with the sand, Doel and Dart are running from boobie-traps)
Dart: Hehe....she said "boobie"
(Shut up. Anyway, Dart uses his whip to get him and Doel across a gaping hole. Dart, being the hero he is, let's Doel go first)
Shana: Whip?
Dart: Yeah, you'll get to know it better later tonight *wink*
Zieg: *vomits*
Dart: Okay, Doel, hand me the whip, so I can get across
Doel: Toss me the idol, then I'll toss ya the whip
Dart: You'll probably steal the idol and then run off my whip, but whatever *tosses Doel the idol*
Doel: Heh, sucker *runs away*
(Dart manages to get across the gaping hole without the help of the whip, and once he gets across the gaping hole, he finds Doel impaled by one of the boobie traps)
Doel: *with a spike sticking out of his forehead* Crap! Again, I DIE within the first ten minutes of when I entered!
Dart: Sucks for you *grabs the idol, runs away*
(Okay, now enter the big stone ball)
Dart: *running from the stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!! *gets squished*
Me: Dammit, Dart, you're slowing down production!
Dart: *flips me off from under the stone ball*
Me: Whatever, we'll just cut to Shana's drinking scene
(Shana vs. Kongol in a Mongolian bar)
Kongol: Bring it on, bitch *takes a shot*
Shana: Oh, it's like that, is it? *takes a shot*
Kongol: grrrrr...*takes another shot*
(It goes on like that until Kongol eventually passes out from alcohol poisoning)
Kongol: *passes out*
Me: Ummm......I don't have insurance for that, guys. Guaraha, Zieg, clean him up for me
Guaraha and Zieg: *drag Kongol's body to the infirmary*
Lloyd: Interesting. We have an infirmary.
Shana: *swaying back and forth* Yeah that's RIGHT.....I am the Queen Bitch.....and don't you for-forget it *randomly starts giggling*
(Enter Dart)
Dart: I am here! What needs saving?
Shana: Oh! Dart, ssssssssweetie....hhhhhow ya been? *Throws herself on him*
Dart: I can use this to my advantage....*smells her breath* Eeew...well, at least there aren't any stone balls around
(Think again)
Dart: *running away from stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Shana: Crap.
::Temple of Doom::
(The role of Indiana Jones will now be played by Lloyd)
Female Readers: *swoon*
Lloyd: Yes, bask in the glory of my pretty-ness
Male Readers: *gag*
(Scene: Lloyd, Meru, and Chinese Lavitz are in the Temple of Doom, witnessing a disturbing site)
Lavitz: *now with black hair and speaking in a stereotypical Chinese accent* What disturbing is you make me Chinese!
Me: You're my comic relief staple. Just sit there and look pretty
Lloyd: Like me *smile, teeth go "ping" *
Lavitz: Or....I could do Chenmony dance! *Waves his arms around chanting* Che-che-che-chenmony!
All: ......what the hell?
Me: Heh, thank my precal teacher for that.......
(I thought we were witnessing a disturbing site)
Lloyd: Actually, I think that dance was pretty disturbing in itself
Lavitz: *curses him in Chinese*
Lloyd: *gasp* You leave my mother out of this!
(I meant the OTHER disturbing site)
Meru: Hey, what's Miranda doing down there?
(She points to Miranda, dressed in primal clothes and wearing war paint, who walks solemnly to a guy trapped in a cage)
Dude in the Cage: Hey, how ya doing lady?
Miranda: *sticks her hand into the dude's chest and pulls out his heart, still beating*
Dude: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!????
Lavitz and Meru: OMG!!!!!
Everyone on set: *vomits*
Miranda: *lowers the cage into a pit of fire*
Dude: *burns*
Dude's Heart: *burns to ash in Miranda's hand*
Miranda: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Lloyd: I KNEW she was evil!!
Me: Security!
Miranda: *is taken away by men in an unmarked black van*
All: .....
Me: Moving on......
::Last Crusade::
(The role of Indiana Jones is now being played by Albert)
Albert: Finally, I get a respectable part...with a really cool hat
Lloyd: But -- but -- I still want to be Indy!!
Me: I'm just trying to be fair -- since Dart could only be in one Indy movie, YOU can only be in one Indy movie
Lloyd: Damn you Dart and your stone balls
Dart: That's right, beyotch.
Lloyd: Wait, that didn't come out right.....
Me: Let's go back to the movie
(Albert is lecturing his archeology class [without the cool hat], and his female students fawn over him and have "I love you" written on their eyelids)
Albert: .... Anyway... in archeology, X never, ever marks the spot
(Albert then meets up with a beautiful archeologist, Rose)
Rose: Da *walks seductively over to Albert*
Albert: Oooh...Rose...
Rose: Don't get used to it.
Zieg: *growls*
(And they go on a mission to find the Holy Grail. Their journey begins in a library full of Roman numerals)
Albert: Damn, X marks the spot....and when do I get to wear the cool hat??
Me: Soon, sexy one...soon.
(The only person who is able to help Albert and Rose in their mission is Albert's father, Haschel, the reigning expert in the Holy Grail)
Albert: The fact that Haschel is the reigning in anything is beyond me...
Haschel: Hush your mouth, young'in. Not only am I the reigning expert in the Holy Grail, I am also the reigning expert in lovin' *places an arm around Rose*
Rose: *raised eyebrow* I am strangely turned on
(But it turns out that Rose is a Nazi and she wants to take the Holy Grail so that the Nazis can take over the world, and Albert learns this after he sleeps with her.)
Lloyd: I KNEW she was evil!!
Rose: *curses him in German*
Lloyd: *bottom lip quivers* My sister never did anything to you!
Albert: How is it that Lloyd understands German and Chinese?
Lloyd: It's because I'm sexier than you.
Me: Lloyd, leave, you are no longer Indy
Lloyd: *leaves, pouting*
Haschel: *to Albert* Yeah, I always knew that she was a German Nazi.
Albert: How could you tell?
Haschel: She talks in her sleep.
All: *shudders*
Zieg: *cries*
Me: You slut.
Rose: IT'S JUST A LINE!!
Me: Riiiiiight.....
~ ~ THE END ~ ~
Dart: *looking through the prop chest* Where is it?
Shana: What are you looking for?
Dart: The Indy whip....where is it?
Lloyd: Actually, I just saw....
Me: *cracks the whip, wearing a leather miniskirt and brassiere* Who's up for some fun?
Cast: *jaws drop*
Me: Sorry guys, I gotta borrow this for a little bit. Who's with me?
Jimbo, Weasley, and Boberto: *eagering follow me into a dressing room*
Cast: *shudders*
Lavitz: *starts to follow*
Dart: Lavitz....no.
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney....Harrison Ford, call me!
Part 6: Indiana Jones
Cast: Indiana Jones = Dart, Lloyd, Albert (you'll see why all three are used in a bit); Girls that Indy sleeps with = Shana, Meru, Rose; Guy who dies in the first 10 minutes of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" = Doel; Shana's Drinking Partner = Kongol; Chinese kid from "Temple of Doom" = Lavitz; High Priest from "Temple of Doom" = Miranda; Indy's dad = Haschel
::Raiders of the Lost Ark::
Me: Alright Dart, ya ready?
Dart: *tilts his hat* Yes.
Me: And I must say, you look very sexy in that hat
Dart: Hell yeah.
Me: Okay ..... Guaraha, get ready with effects!
Guaraha: Yes, Mistress.
Me: Alright...go Dart!
(Dart goes up to a golden idol with a bag of sand. Dart examines the idol, then the bag of sand, then the idol, then the bag of sand, then the idol, then --)
Doel: Do something already!!
Dart: Gaah! You ruined my concentration!
Doel: Now! *Throws tomatoes at him*
Dart: Alright! *Replaces the idol with the bag of sand* Happy?
Doel: Yes.
*Rumble*
Guaraha: Hehehe
Dart: Oh shit
(The famous being-chased-by-a-big-stone-ball scene. See Dart. See Dart run.)
Dart: *while running* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!
(See Dart get squished by a stone ball)
Dart: *squish*
(Poor Dart.)
Dart: I want a redo
(The redo)
Dart: *still running from the big stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
(He still gets squished)
Dart: *from under the stone ball* Damn you.
Doel: Maybe if you stop wasting your breath on SCREAMING like a PUSSY, you'd actually outrun the damn thing!
Dart: *reshaping his hat* Shut your trap....Albert's right about you.....
Doel: Oh really? And what does my pansy nephew say about me?
Albert: Only that you are the biggest jackass *cough* I MEAN greatest uncle in the world!
Doel: And when do I come in? I thought I do something before the boulder squishes Spiky over here.
Me: Oh, yeah.
(Okay, so, after Dart replaces the idol with the sand, Doel and Dart are running from boobie-traps)
Dart: Hehe....she said "boobie"
(Shut up. Anyway, Dart uses his whip to get him and Doel across a gaping hole. Dart, being the hero he is, let's Doel go first)
Shana: Whip?
Dart: Yeah, you'll get to know it better later tonight *wink*
Zieg: *vomits*
Dart: Okay, Doel, hand me the whip, so I can get across
Doel: Toss me the idol, then I'll toss ya the whip
Dart: You'll probably steal the idol and then run off my whip, but whatever *tosses Doel the idol*
Doel: Heh, sucker *runs away*
(Dart manages to get across the gaping hole without the help of the whip, and once he gets across the gaping hole, he finds Doel impaled by one of the boobie traps)
Doel: *with a spike sticking out of his forehead* Crap! Again, I DIE within the first ten minutes of when I entered!
Dart: Sucks for you *grabs the idol, runs away*
(Okay, now enter the big stone ball)
Dart: *running from the stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!! *gets squished*
Me: Dammit, Dart, you're slowing down production!
Dart: *flips me off from under the stone ball*
Me: Whatever, we'll just cut to Shana's drinking scene
(Shana vs. Kongol in a Mongolian bar)
Kongol: Bring it on, bitch *takes a shot*
Shana: Oh, it's like that, is it? *takes a shot*
Kongol: grrrrr...*takes another shot*
(It goes on like that until Kongol eventually passes out from alcohol poisoning)
Kongol: *passes out*
Me: Ummm......I don't have insurance for that, guys. Guaraha, Zieg, clean him up for me
Guaraha and Zieg: *drag Kongol's body to the infirmary*
Lloyd: Interesting. We have an infirmary.
Shana: *swaying back and forth* Yeah that's RIGHT.....I am the Queen Bitch.....and don't you for-forget it *randomly starts giggling*
(Enter Dart)
Dart: I am here! What needs saving?
Shana: Oh! Dart, ssssssssweetie....hhhhhow ya been? *Throws herself on him*
Dart: I can use this to my advantage....*smells her breath* Eeew...well, at least there aren't any stone balls around
(Think again)
Dart: *running away from stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Shana: Crap.
::Temple of Doom::
(The role of Indiana Jones will now be played by Lloyd)
Female Readers: *swoon*
Lloyd: Yes, bask in the glory of my pretty-ness
Male Readers: *gag*
(Scene: Lloyd, Meru, and Chinese Lavitz are in the Temple of Doom, witnessing a disturbing site)
Lavitz: *now with black hair and speaking in a stereotypical Chinese accent* What disturbing is you make me Chinese!
Me: You're my comic relief staple. Just sit there and look pretty
Lloyd: Like me *smile, teeth go "ping" *
Lavitz: Or....I could do Chenmony dance! *Waves his arms around chanting* Che-che-che-chenmony!
All: ......what the hell?
Me: Heh, thank my precal teacher for that.......
(I thought we were witnessing a disturbing site)
Lloyd: Actually, I think that dance was pretty disturbing in itself
Lavitz: *curses him in Chinese*
Lloyd: *gasp* You leave my mother out of this!
(I meant the OTHER disturbing site)
Meru: Hey, what's Miranda doing down there?
(She points to Miranda, dressed in primal clothes and wearing war paint, who walks solemnly to a guy trapped in a cage)
Dude in the Cage: Hey, how ya doing lady?
Miranda: *sticks her hand into the dude's chest and pulls out his heart, still beating*
Dude: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!????
Lavitz and Meru: OMG!!!!!
Everyone on set: *vomits*
Miranda: *lowers the cage into a pit of fire*
Dude: *burns*
Dude's Heart: *burns to ash in Miranda's hand*
Miranda: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Lloyd: I KNEW she was evil!!
Me: Security!
Miranda: *is taken away by men in an unmarked black van*
All: .....
Me: Moving on......
::Last Crusade::
(The role of Indiana Jones is now being played by Albert)
Albert: Finally, I get a respectable part...with a really cool hat
Lloyd: But -- but -- I still want to be Indy!!
Me: I'm just trying to be fair -- since Dart could only be in one Indy movie, YOU can only be in one Indy movie
Lloyd: Damn you Dart and your stone balls
Dart: That's right, beyotch.
Lloyd: Wait, that didn't come out right.....
Me: Let's go back to the movie
(Albert is lecturing his archeology class [without the cool hat], and his female students fawn over him and have "I love you" written on their eyelids)
Albert: .... Anyway... in archeology, X never, ever marks the spot
(Albert then meets up with a beautiful archeologist, Rose)
Rose: Da *walks seductively over to Albert*
Albert: Oooh...Rose...
Rose: Don't get used to it.
Zieg: *growls*
(And they go on a mission to find the Holy Grail. Their journey begins in a library full of Roman numerals)
Albert: Damn, X marks the spot....and when do I get to wear the cool hat??
Me: Soon, sexy one...soon.
(The only person who is able to help Albert and Rose in their mission is Albert's father, Haschel, the reigning expert in the Holy Grail)
Albert: The fact that Haschel is the reigning in anything is beyond me...
Haschel: Hush your mouth, young'in. Not only am I the reigning expert in the Holy Grail, I am also the reigning expert in lovin' *places an arm around Rose*
Rose: *raised eyebrow* I am strangely turned on
(But it turns out that Rose is a Nazi and she wants to take the Holy Grail so that the Nazis can take over the world, and Albert learns this after he sleeps with her.)
Lloyd: I KNEW she was evil!!
Rose: *curses him in German*
Lloyd: *bottom lip quivers* My sister never did anything to you!
Albert: How is it that Lloyd understands German and Chinese?
Lloyd: It's because I'm sexier than you.
Me: Lloyd, leave, you are no longer Indy
Lloyd: *leaves, pouting*
Haschel: *to Albert* Yeah, I always knew that she was a German Nazi.
Albert: How could you tell?
Haschel: She talks in her sleep.
All: *shudders*
Zieg: *cries*
Me: You slut.
Rose: IT'S JUST A LINE!!
Me: Riiiiiight.....
~ ~ THE END ~ ~
Dart: *looking through the prop chest* Where is it?
Shana: What are you looking for?
Dart: The Indy whip....where is it?
Lloyd: Actually, I just saw....
Me: *cracks the whip, wearing a leather miniskirt and brassiere* Who's up for some fun?
Cast: *jaws drop*
Me: Sorry guys, I gotta borrow this for a little bit. Who's with me?
Jimbo, Weasley, and Boberto: *eagering follow me into a dressing room*
Cast: *shudders*
Lavitz: *starts to follow*
Dart: Lavitz....no.