A/N: By request!! And since I am honoring Karu's request, I will also honor the request for Tarzan (coming soon). I'll see what I can do for Nightmare Before Christmas, but I'll do the first Aladdin (I think I should do the first movie before I do the sequel, don't you think?).
Disclaimer: Don't own LoD or Disney. But I do own my special guests that moonlight from my first fic, "Legend of Us" and I also own the term "Bob the Chicken"
Part Seven: Mulan
Me: Large cast up ahead so I'll bringing out...::drumroll:: THE OLD DRAGOONS!!
Old Dragoons: We prefer "original"
Me: Whatever.
Cast: Mulan = Rose; Mulan's Family = Haschel, Shana, Meru; Matchmaker = Miranda; Mushu = Lavitz; The Lucky Cricket = Guaraha; Emperor = Doel; Emperor's Counsel = Albert; General Lee = Zieg; Shang = Lloyd; Yao = Dart; Ling = Syuveil; Chin Po = Kongol; Shan Yu = Emperor Diaz; Hun Army = Kanzas, Shirley, Belzac, Damia; Special guest appearances by Lenus, Boberto, Timoty, Leroy, Wesley, and Lauren
Haschel: ::reviews the cast list:: Of course. You cast me as the old guy.
Me: Well duh. That's all your good for.
Rose: Hells yes!! I can use my sword now!!
Dart: Hahaha, but you have to dress like a man!!
Me: Oh don't worry. You'll have your cross-dressing moment. And so will Syuveil and Kongol.
Dart and Kongol: Ah hell no
Syuveil: Why am I here?
Me: Because you love me
Syuveil: And who are you, again?
Me: Well, hey, at least Lenus isn't here.
Lenus: ::tearing past security:: LLOYD MY LOVE!!!!
Lloyd: Soa nooooooo!!! ::runs away::
Me: Who let her in?! Boberto! Timoty! I'll remember this when I start writing my next chapter of "Legend of Us"
Boberto and Timoty [in security guard outfits]: Yes Lady Pimptress
Dart: The Hun army looks a little.....scarce....
Me: That's what extras are for
Diaz: Why am I evil?!
Shirley and Damia: Yeah, why are we evil?!
Kanzas: I don't give a shit either way
Belzac: Must....protect....Shirley!!
Me: You do that
Doel: I like my role
Albert: Of course you do!! You get to boss me around!!
Doel: ::rubbing his hands together, evil-genuis like:: hehehehehe
Me: Okay, I don't want this to be too long.....Guaraha and Lavitz, just put on the damn costumes before I sick, uh...
Lavitz: Who?? C'mon, gimme your best shot!!
Me: MY SISTER!! GO, LAUREN!!
Lauren: LAVIIIIITZ!!! ::glomps::
Lavitz: Can't -- breathe --
Guaraha: Haha, I laugh at your pain.
Lauren: Yay for my cameo!! As a...glomper....
Dart: I thought you got rid of the glompers long ago.
Me: Lauren's different...I'm stuck with her for life
Lauren: ::glomps me::
Me: Can't -- breathe -- start -- fic -- ACTION!!
(Scene 1: Rose goes to the matchmaker)
Rose: Where's my sword?! Why am I wearing a dress and makeup?! WHERE'S MY &%ing SWORD?!
Meru [the little grandmother]: Patience, young grasshopper! No, wait, I have a cricket for you, not a grasshopper ::holds up a cage with an itty- bitty Guaraha in a cricket suit:: Cuuuuuuuuute!!
Guaraha: Chirp.
Me: ::eye twitch::
Boberto: Someone better hold her down....she's gets real crazy 'round crickets
Miranda: Well that's your $#&%ing job to &$#%ing hold down the &%)(ing director!!
Boberto and Timoty: Daaaaaaamn!!
Haschel: Shit, Tina gave Miranda her voice back.
Miranda: ::holding a broken shell necklace:: I &%($ing took it while she was )(&%ing asleep. ::cackles::
Meru: BACK TO ME!! ::ahem:: Crickets are lucky!! Watch! ::closes her eyes and blindly walks across the busy street holding Guaraha in his cage::
Shana [as Rose's mother]: Meru, no!!
Guaraha: Please save us Soa
Soa: Like hell I will
(And Meru is run over by a speeding rice cart)
Meru: ::dies::
Dart: Ooooh!! Free rice!! ::chows down on the spilt rice:: What? Five second rule.
Lauren: REWIND!!
Meru: Crickets are lucky!! Watch! ::closes her eyes and blindly walks across the busy street holding Guaraha in his cage::
Shana: Meru, no!!
(And she makes it across the street -- alive this time)
Guaraha: ::whew::
Rose: Dammit
Meru: Oooh!! I got more stuff! I got jade for....well, I forget, but it looks pretty! ::places a jade necklace around Rose's neck::
Rose: I don't do ::eye twitch:: pretty!
Meru: And here's an apple.....I think that's for posterity, or something along those lines....not quite sure what that means either, but at least you'll have a snack! ::sticks an apple down in Rose's sash::
Rose: Anything else?
Meru: Yes! I got this thing for balance, but I dunno how that would help ya balance it's pretty damn heavy it kinda makes you tip to one side ::gives Rose a pendant::
Shana: Meru I don't think they mean balance in that way....oh, nevermind.
Rose: ::rolls eyes:: Thanks, oh wise one
Meru: ::beams::
Shana: ::paints Rose's face with white makeup:: Alright Rosie, bring honor to our family.
Rose: Don't call me ::eye twitch:: Rosie.... casting the Moon Child as my mother
Shana: I heard that!
Rose: Good!
Miranda: HEY! Rose, get your ass in here and lemme see if I can marry you off.
Zieg: ::praying:: Please pick me please pick me
(Rose enters the building and notices that the room is not a nice little tea room -- it's an intergation room with a big bright light and the whole sha-bang)
Rose: What the....
Me: I didn't authorize that!!
Miranda: This is the chapter where I get my dignity back ::shining the bright light on Rose, sitting at a little black table:: So, your husband comes home....what's the first thing you do to make him happy?
Rose: You're actually gunna give her dignity back, Tina?
Me: I might as well, I got enough to deal with the Lloyd glompers, I don't need Miranda glompers attacking me either.
Dart: A girl can have glompers?
Miranda: &$#% yeah!!
Me: I even hired myself a bodyguard for protection against such glompers ::gestures toward Leroy::
Leroy: ::in traditional Kongol garb:: The word "hired" implies that I'm gettting paid for my services. And do I really have to wear this? Boberto and Timoty don't hafta wear their "Legend of Us" costumes!
Me: You're lucky I'm not making you talk like Kongol
Kongol: Kongol take offence to that
Me: Tina knows, that's why Tina wrote it in. Anyway, Leroy, you're my friend you shouldn't expect a reward for protecting me!
Leroy: But am I getting one, right?
Me: I'll look into it.
(Back to Miranda's "matchmaking")
Miranda: Answer the $#&%ing question!!
Rose: Um....tell him to pick up his dirty socks or else I'll leave him for his son?
Zieg, Dart, Shana: WHAT?!
Rose: Let that be a warning to all of you
Miranda: WRONG!! SHAME!! DISHONOR!! $$())(!!#()(())$%%&&%$#$%&&((%$!!!!!
Rose: I was wondering how long you could go before doing that.
Miranda: ::bursting outside, and yelling to the crowd:: Rose will NEVER be a good bride, and she will NOT bring honor to your family!
Zieg: So, we're not getting married?
Miranda: $)&% no.
Zieg: Dammit
Rose: Oh, I feel ::sniff:: so sad
(Because Rose is sooooo eager to bring honor to her family --)
Rose: Whatever
( -- she steals her father's armor and goes to fight in the Chinese army.)
Rose: SWORD!!!!!!!!! ::rides away on her horse::
(But, the penalty for her impersonating a solider is death. So Rose's ancestors want to send a guardian to make sure she doesn't get caught.)
Me: Oh, shit, I don't have enough characters for an ancestor! Now, lemme think, who could I use.....oh, I know
::Poof::
Wesley: What the hell am I doing here? ::examines his new clothes:: And why am I wearing a dress?
Me: It's a robe. And you're an ancestor. Here, read this...that is, if you can....::hands him a script::
Wesley: Hah. Hah ::snatches it from my hands:: Okay, I got it. Hey, Lavitz!
Lavitz: ::rising above a cloud of smoke, Frankenstein-style:: I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!! Okay, what do you want me to do, old, wise Ancestor? Save someone?
Wesley: No ::hands him a gong:: Go wake up the Great Stone Dragon.
Lavitz: But -- but -- I wanna go save Rose from shame, dishonor, and certain death! ::pouts::
Wesley: No. Hurry up and go wake the damn dragon so I can go back to my OTHER torture ::glares at me::
Me: I love you too.
Lavitz: ::takes the gong:: I'm only doing this because I'm getting paid to do so.
Lloyd: Why is everyone getting paid except for me?!?!?!?!
Me: ::cough:: No comment
(Lavitz goes out to the courtyard to wake the Great Stone Dragon, a statue that sits ominously in the courtyard)
Lavitz: ::banging on his gong:: Heeeeeeey, Great Stone Dragon! Waaaaaaaaake up! ::bang bang bang on the gong:: Hey, can't you hear me in there?! ::bangs his gong on the Great Stone Dragon::
Great Stone Dragon: ::crumbles into ash::
Lavitz: Oh shit, I'm in trouble
Wesley: Oh, Great Stone Dragon! Have you awoken?
Me: Awaken
Wesley: Whatever!
Lavitz: ::hiding behind a bush, holding the Great Stone's Dragon head:: Yes, Ancestor! I have awoken -- uh, awaken! I am going to save Rose from shame, dishonor, and certain death!
Wesley: ::blink blink:: Do you seriously think that I'm dense enough to buy THAT?!
Me: Yes.
Wesley: Whatever. Can I leave now?
Me: Yes. Boberto and Timoty will escort you out.
Boberto and Timoty: ::escorts Wesley out::
Leroy: How bout me? Can I go too?
Me: No. Sit.
Leroy: ::sits:: Yes Mistress
(So now Lavitz is off to save Rose from shame, dishonor, and certain death. And Guaraha comes along too)
Guaraha: For luck
Lavitz: For pizza!!
Guaraha: No pizza
Lavitz: No pizza??
Guaraha: No pizza. For luck
Lavitz: Lucky pizza!!
Rose: ::staring at her wrist, even though she is not wearing a watch:: I'm WAITING
Lavitz: Oh. Right. ::hides behind a rock, so that only his shadow is visible to Rose:: ROSE!
Rose: What?!
Guaraha: ::plays organ music::
Lavitz: ::in a outspoken Baptist-preacher style:: You have RUN AWAY and STOLEN your father's armor! IMPERSONATING a SOLIDER! Your punishment, if caught: SHAME!
Guaraha: ::plays ominous organ music::
Lavitz: DISHONOR!
Guaraha: ::more ominous music::
Lavitz: And CERTAIN DEATH! Can I get an "amen"?!
Guaraha: Amen!
Lavitz: But do not fear! I am here to SAVE you! PROTECT you! I am --
Rose: Lavitz, I know it's you in a ridiculous lizard costume behind that rock....so just come out here and get on with the story.
Lavitz: Dra-gon, not lizard! I don't do that tongue thing ::sticks out his tongue in a lizard-like fashion::
Rose: Whatever.
Lavitz: You're such a killjoy, ya know that?
(Next scene: Rose's first day as a man)
Lavitz: ::sitting on her shoulder:: Chest out! Chin up! Cross your eyes! Point your toes inward! And strut!
Rose: ::noticing the weird looks she's getting:: Lavitz, I feel ridiculous!
Lavitz: ::chuckling:: You LOOK ridiculous!
Rose: ::smacks him, running into Dart in the process::
Dart: Hey, watch where you're going!
Rose: You watch it!
Dart: ::glares:: Make me
Rose: ::up in his face:: Oh, I will.
Lavitz: ::to Guaraha:: I don't think she'll need man coaching
Guaraha: ::nods::
Syuveil: What's going on here? Dart, who are you picking on today?
Dart: This bastard who thinks he can run into me!
Kongol: ::holding Dart's shoulders:: Calm, little one.
Dart: Don't touch me, furball!
(Meet Rose's new friends: Dart, the angry little man; Syuveil, the brains of the operation; and Kongol, the big bald pacifist)
Dart: Ya know what you need? ::punches fist threateningly:: A knuckle sandwich! [They are in the lunch line]
Rose: How lame is THAT line?
Dart: That's it, bring it!!
(A fight commences. Meanwhile, in a nearby tent, General Zieg and the Emperor's counsel, Albert, chat with Lloyd)
Zieg: Okay, so I'm off to fight and Lloyd, you get to be in charge of training the new recruits
Albert: Are you sure that Lloyd is ready for that? This is a big responsibility
Zieg: Yes. I have complete faith in Lloyd
Lloyd: Thanks Daddy
Zieg: Don't call me Daddy. I already have one son....and that disturbs me enough as is. Okay, I'm off. Have fun ::leaves::
Albert: I get to watch you and record every mistake you make!
Lloyd: Bitter son of a bitch.....::notices the fight:: Hey, break it up!! ::once it's broken up:: Who started this?!
All: He did! ::points to Rose::
Rose: Damn snitches
Lloyd: What's your name?
Rose: Um....
Lavitz: Bob...
Rose: Bob?
Lloyd: Bob?
Lavitz: ...the Chicken ::chuckles::
Rose: No! It's not Bob...it's...uh.....
Lavitz: Ping
Rose: Ping?
Lloyd: Is that your final answer?
Rose: Umm...yeah
Lloyd: Alright. Everyone! You have to clean this entire mess, thanks to your new friend Ping here.
All: ::growls::
(Next scene: first day of training)
Dart: ::to Rose:: Ya know, I still owe you that knuckle sandwich ::cracks his knuckles::
Rose: The line was lame last scene, and it's still lame now
Albert: ::going around, tapping his notepad:: Order! Order!
Syuveil: Yes, I'll have an omelet with a side of bacon and hash browns
Kongol: Kongol want coffee -- decaf. Kongol get hyper on regular coffee
Lavitz: RUM!!!!
Albert: No, no, I mean, come to order!
Dart: We know. We just like to mess with ya.
Lloyd: Seriously. Come to order. ::takes his shirt off::
Rose and all other females: Oooooooooooohhhhh
Dart: Riiiiiiight, like I'm gunna follow orders from YOU
Lloyd: Dart! ::aims his bow and arrow at Dart's face::
Dart: Watch the face!
Lloyd: ::shoots the arrow at the top of a giant wooden pillar:: Thank you for volunteering. Go get the arrow.
Dart: Fine! ::rips off his own shirt::
Me: Umm, you were really are NOT supposed to take off your shirt....but hey! I'm not complaining!
All other females: Neither are we
Males: We complain! We complain!
(Dart vs. Lloyd -- who's prettier?)
Lloyd: Me
Dart: Me!
Lloyd: ME
Dart: ME!
All: GET ON WITH IT!
(Next scene [my favorite]: the BE A MAN SONG!!!!!!!)
Lloyd: ::singing like Donny Osmond:: Let's get down to business! To defeat -- the Hunnnnnnns!
All: ......
Lloyd: ::still singing:: Did they send me daughters?! When I asked -- for sooooooooooooons!
Rose: Oooh, irony
Lloyd: ::yup, still singing:: You're the saddest bunch, I've ever met! But you can ::is hit in the stomach by Rose:: bet -- ::stops the song:: Hey! Is that REALLY supposed to happen?
Me: Yes
All: ::cheers::
Lloyd: Okay....that's enough singing.
All: ::cheers louder::
Rose: ::looking very proud of herself:: You're welcome
(So Rose and the rest of the recruits eventually prove themselves and Rose, Dart, Syuveil, and Kongol all get to be friends. But Albert is still a pain in the ass)
Albert: ::growls::
(Cut scene to Emperor Diaz and his army of Huns, who are headed for the Tung-shao Pass)
Diaz: Let's go to the Tung-shao Pass
Original Dragoons: Okay.
Belzac: Must.....protect.....Shirley!!!!
Shirley: It's okay, I'm fine.
Damia: I still dunno why I'm here.....
(Back to Rose and the others -- NAKED TIME!!!!!!)
Rose: ::taking a bath::
Lavitz: What the hell are you doing?!
Rose: Just because I'm pretending to be a man doesn't mean I hafta smell like one
Lavitz: You're gunna blow our cover!! There are some things that people will DEFINETLY notice!
Rose: Not if you keep watch! ::lather, rinse, repeat::
Lavitz: Damn girl's gunna blow our cover
Guaraha: ::opening a box of delivery pizza:: Pizza?
Lavitz: Ooh! Pizza! ::takes a slice::
(Suddenly, a naked Dart, Syuveil, and Kongol run past Lavitz and Guaraha and jump into the lake)
Lavitz and Guaraha: ::throwing the pizza away:: I'm not hungry
Rose: Oh shit ::tries to swim away::
Syuveil: Ping! Hey! ::swims over to Rose, with a strategically-placed leaf:: I think we all got off on the wrong foot ::extends his hand:: I'm Syuveil
Rose: ::tries to back away:: Yeah, hi...::bumps into Kongol's large, hairy chest::
Kongol: Me Kongol.
Rose: Ewwwww I just touched him.....
Dart: ::standing on top of a rock, hands on hips:: And I am Dart, King of the Rock!!
Syuveil: Get your naked ass back in the water, no one wants to see that
All: ::eye level drops::
Dart: ::covers himself:: The water's cold, okay!
(And then, they just stood there, in the water. Well, Dart just stood on the rock)
Syuveil: For God's sake Dart, get down! You look like an idiot up there
Dart: A NAKED idiot, thank you.
Kongol: ::splashes water into his ears::
(Aren't you guys supposed to do something?!)
Rose: We're waiting for Lavitz! Lavitz, get your lizard ass out here!
Lavitz: NO WAY IN HELL! Do you know what the script wants me to do?! ::whispers:: They want me to.....bite Syuveil's ass!
Syuveil: Um, I'm in agreement with Lavitz -- no way in hell
Me: Dumbasses, this isn't real! You can just PRETEND to bite his ass! It's a ploy in order to keep Syuveil, Dart, and Kongol from figuring out Rose's true identity. All you need to do --Syuveil and Kongol -- is jump up on the rock with Dart. And Lavitz, you just need to load your mouth with toothpaste and cry "that was foul!"
Lavitz: Tooth.....paste?
Dart: ::clutches the rock:: NO! My rock!
Me: How old ARE you?!
Syvueil: ::points to Dart, still holding onto the rock:: That bastard could kill Melbu Frahma, but I couldn't?! Screw that, I'm not getting near his naked ass....I'm getting dressed. Let's go Kongol
Kongol: But, Kongol not done
All: PLEASE!! BUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!
(Fine, be that way -- we'll skip to the battle with the Huns at the Tung- shao Pass)
Dart: What, no song about leering at girls? I like that song....
(No. Battle with the Huns)
Emperor Diaz: DIE WINGLY BASTARDS!!!!
Lloyd: Who you calling a bastard?!
Belzac: PROTECT SHIRLEY!!!!!
Shirley: STOP THAT!!
Rose: ::runs up to Diaz with a cannon and shoots it at the mountain::
Diaz: ::stabs Rose::
Lavitz: What the hell?! He was three feet in front of you!!
Rose: Stupid, I did that on purpose
Shana: Hmph. I woulda hit him
(Avalanche. Huns buried in the snow. Rose is a hero)
[You notice I speak in fragmented sentences whenever the story starts to get too long]
Rose: See, I told ya I did that on purpose
Lavitz: Yeah, whatever
(But because of Rose's injuries, everyone now knows that she is a woman)
Albert: He's got boobs!!
Syuveil: I thought you were the smart one
(And now she's left out in the cold)
Rose: ::roasting marshmallows with Lavitz and Guaraha:: Damn. I didn't even get to use my sword
Huns: ::climbs out of the snow::
Lavitz: They popped out of the snow -- like daisies!!
Guaraha: We gotta warn the Emperor!
Rose: Stupid bastards can die for all I care --
Me: ::death glare::
Rose: I mean.....ya, let's go.
(At the emperor's palace)
Doel: ::to Lloyd:: Yes, as the emperor I am pleased. Here is my crest as a token of my appreciation. Albert, ::snap snap:: fetch me some more rice
Albert: ::profanities::
Dart: ::aside to Syuveil:: Hey, ya know, that paper dragon has been following awfully close....
Syuveil: ::aside to Dart:: Yeah, I know what you mean
Diaz and Huns: ::pop out of the paper dragon:: YAAAAAH!!
Dart: They popped out of the dragon -- like daisies!!
Me: I really don't think it has the same effect
Diaz: You're coming with me, Doel
Doel: Like hell I am!!
Diaz: ::captures him anyway::
Doel: Damn
Rose: I TOLD you the Huns were still alive!
Lloyd: No you didn't!
Rose: Yes I did!
Lloyd: No! You totally missed your cue during the parade!
Rose: Oh.....well, you bastards wouldn't have believed me anyway. Come -- Dart, Syuveil, Kongol, I have a plan to rescue Doel
Syuveil: It's a good thing you're hot or else you would be the biggest bitch ever
Rose: I'll take that as a compliment
(Speaking of bitches...)
Dart: ::examining his new clothes:: Let me guess -- these are robes, right?
Me: Nope. It's a dress.
Dart, Syuveil, Kongol: YOU BITCH, YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!
Lloyd: ::coming to join the rescue party:: Shut your mouths and go work your feminine magic on the guards
Dart: Why doesn't the Wingly have to dress like a woman?!
Me: Male romantic leads never EVER dress as women
Rose: Would you just GO already?!
Dart: I have one more question!! Does this make me look fat?
Syuveil: ::slaps Dart:: Be a man, Dart
::The "Be a Man" song plays::
Me: NOT YET!!
Guaraha: Oops
(The fun part: Dart, Syuveil, and Kongol seduce Belzac and Kanzas [who are guarding Doel])
Me: Now you can play the song
Guaraha: ::plays the "be a man" song::
Dart, Syuveil, Kongol: ::wave their fans, trying to be coy::
Belzac: Concubines!
Kanzas: Ugly concubines...
Syuveil: Who you calling ugly?! ::punches Kanzas in the jaw::
Kanzas: You bitch! ::lunges at Syuveil::
(While the queens battle it out, Lloyd sneaks in and grabs Doel, while Rose and Diaz fight on the roof)
Rose: Can I use my sword now?
(Yes)
Rose: YEEEEESS!!
Diaz: Now, Rose, we can talk this out...
Rose: No! ::stabs Diaz::
Diaz: ::standing with Rose's sword through his stomach [hmm, sound familiar?]:: Crap. Oh well -- hey, this means I can go home, right?
Me: Yes. Boberto and Timoty will escort you and the old Dragoons out
Dragoons: ORIGINAL
Me: Whatever
Boberto and Timoty: ::escorts Diaz and the Dragoons out::
Rose: That felt good
(Rose is a hero once again. And the peasants rejoice)
Peasants: Yay.
Doel: Yes, as the emperor I am pleased
Albert: You already said that
Doel: Silence!! You're fired!!
Albert: Bastard
Rose: Can I just go now?
(No, you have one more thing to do)
Rose: Haschel -- I mean, Daddy?
Haschel: What? Oh, yeah, you're home.....
Rose: ::kneels:: I bring you the sword of Diaz and the crest of Doel to show that I have brought honor to our family
Haschel: Good stuff. ::pats her head:: We love you again
Meru: ::to Shana:: Hmph, if she was gunna go off to war she could have at least brought home a man!
Lloyd: Excuse me, Rose? You forgot your sword. Diaz still had it in his gut
Rose: Oh, thanks
Meru: ::gasp:: She DID bring home a man!! YAY!! ::glomps Lloyd::
Lloyd: Um.....hello....
Zieg: NO! SHE'S MINE YOU BASTARD! ::tackles Lloyd::
THE END
Rose: My god, that was the longest chapter ever!
Me: No, "Peter Pan" was longer. Um, Lauren, it's the end of the fic. You hafta give Shang back.
Lauren: NO! NEVER! HE'S MINE! ::glomps Shang::
Shang: ??
Leroy: Hey, what about my payment?!
Me: Oh, yeah, here ::hands him a slip of paper::
Leroy: What's this.....an annual pass to Disneyland...from 1996?! WTF?!
Me: Hey, I don't get paid for writing this shit
Leroy: ::profanities::