A/N: Okay, so I lie. I'm gunna do Hercules before Tarzan. But I've been
watching Hercules a lot, so this will be another long one. And I'm warning
you -- Dart, Albert, and Guaraha go drunk with power in this chapter. Oh
the horror.
Disclaimer: Not the owner of LoD or Disney
Me: ACTION!!
Part Ten: Hercules
Cast: Hercules = Albert; Megara = Shana; Phil = Haschel; Hades = Dart; Pain = Doel; Panic = Lavitz; Zeus = Guaraha; Pegasus = Zieg; Hermes = Lloyd; The Three Fates = Rose, Shirley, Miranda; Titans = Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas; Muses = Meru, Damia, Wink. Special Appperance by Emille
(Our story begins high on Mount Olympus, where all the ancient gods -- )
Meru: ::standing with her hands on her hips, wearing a toga, and surrounded by Damia and Wink:: ExCUSE me!
(Yes, ladies?)
Damia: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts, and proclaimers of heroes!
Wink: And AS the goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes, it is OUR job to tell the story of the hero Albert ::swoon::
Albert: ::smile, teeth go "ping"::
(So, does this mean that I'm not needed?)
Muses: ::nods::
(Sweet! I can FINALLY have my break! ::leaves::)
Meru: Yay! We have complete control of the story!!
Damia: So, where do we start?
Wink: At the beginning, of course! ::grabs an urn, painted with Kongol, Belzac, and Kanzas wreaking havoc upon the earth:: A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away....
Meru: Wink! Focus!
Wink: Sorry. Um....oh yeah, a long time ago, the Titans wreaked havoc upon the earth
Kanzas: Damn right bitches
Kongol and Belzac: Argh
Wink: ::grabs another urn with Guaraha holding a lightining bolt:: But then, Guaraha struck them down and locked them in a prison beneath the earth!
Titans: Bastard!
Wink: And Guaraha became ruler of the skies!
Guaraha: ::smile, teeth go "ping"::
Meru: Hehe
Damia: My turn!! ::grabs another urn, with baby Albert:: Many eons later, Guaraha and his wife had a son who would be the greatest hero ever! But one god did not welcome the birth....::holds up an urn of a pissed-off Dart::
Meru: Narrator!! ::snap snap:: We need your services again!!
(Damn. Oh well, a party on Mount Olympus with baby Albert and his new pet, baby Zieg)
Albert: Waah.
Zieg: ::obscenities::
(Cool it Zieg, the FCC is already on my case)
Zieg: That's your own damn fault
(Enter Dart with fire for hair)
Lloyd: Why does he get to be the god of the underworld, and I hafta be the flamboyant messanger?!
Dart: Because I am sexier than you.
Lloyd: No you're not!!
Dart: ::ignore, goes over to Albert's cradle:: Well, look at the little sun spot. Isn't he just the cutest ::hands him a spiked rattle::
Albert: Nice try ::crushes Dart's hand::
Dart: ::nursing his hand:: Little bitch.....
Meru: Of course, Dart wanted to rule the skies instead of Guaraha....so Dart returns to the underworld to carry out his sinister plot with the Fates.....
Dart: Doel! Lavitz! Where are those two when I need them?!
Doel: ::falls down the stairs:: OW!! ::profanities::
Lavitz: Oh god, Dart's mad....he's gunna do something awful....
Doel: Stop whining like a little bitch....dammit, why do we hafta be the croonies for that dumbass?!
Dart: Because I am sexier than you ::hits Doel upside the head:: Are the Fates here yet?
Rose: ::staring him down with one eyeball:: Yeah we're here.
Miranda: ::steals the eyeball, sticks it in her eye socket:: Stupid bastard is late.
Doel and Lavitz: Ewwwwwwwwww
Dart: Ladies, I am sooooo sorry {and soooooo grossed out!!}
Shirley: ::takes the eyeball:: Don't apologize, we knew it was coming.
Rose: ::steals back the eyeball:: We know everything: past
Shirley: ::takes back the eyeball:: Present
Dart: I know --
Miranda: ::takes the eyeball:: And future....if only we could stop it sometimes, like the invention of the f-cking Playstation and f-cking fan fiction author ::glares at me with the one eyeball::
Me: You forget that I have the power to make your fan fiction life hell
Miranda: And YOU forget that you locked my voice in Kingdom Hearts! I'm already in f-cking hell!
Me: Oh yeah ::steals her voice, hands it to Sora:: Be a dear and do something with this
Sora: ....
Miranda: ::opens her mouth, nothing comes out, then pouts::
Rose and Shirley: Dumb bitch
Dart: Ladies, please, I have this problem about Albert, the son of Guaraha --
Fates: We know
Dart: I KNOW that you know! Just....tell me how to correct it.
(Just know that whenever the Fates talk, they pass their eyeball back and forth)
Shirley: In eighteen years, the planets will a line and allow you to release the Titans
Rose: You will rule the Titans, and they will storm Olympus and destroy Guaraha for you
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Says who?!
Rose: Shut up. You have no choice
Titans: Damn
Shirley: You, Dart, will then rule the skies
Miranda: ::jabs her in the shoulder::
Shirley: Oh, Miranda says "you will rule, despite the fact that you are an effing bastard"
Dart: Hey!
Shirley: However, if Albert interferes, your plan will fail.
Dart: How do I stop him?
Rose: Dumbass, figure it out yourself ::they leave::
Shirley: ::to Doel:: By the way, beware next Tuesday ::leaves::
Doel: Like I'd listen to that bitch....
Damia: Dart immediately got to work in destroying Albert
Dart: Doel, Lavitz, go kill Albert
Doel and Lavitz: WHY?! HOW?!
Dart: Because I am sexier than you...and you make the baby drink this potion. And ALL of it.
Wink: Doel and Lavitz successfully stole Albert from Olympus and made him drink the potion to make him human....
Albert: You think I'm that dense? I'm not drinking that
Doel: Take it like a man ::forces the bottle into his mouth::
Wink: However, he left one drop.....but he was still human, and could never return to Olympus
Guaraha: I am so sad ::tear::
Meru: What could Guaraha do?! Poor Albert, never to return!
(Ladies -- sorry, but you are making the story too long.)
Muses: ::pout::
(Cut to Albert as an awkward teenager with super-strength)
All: Loser-freak
(He goes to the Temple of Guaraha to seek help, and finds out that Guaraha is his father -- )
Guaraha: ::Darth Vader voice:: ALBERT I AM YOUR FATHER
Albert: I know....
Guaraha: I couldn't resist
(Guaraha sends Albert to Haschel, trainer of heroes, so that Albert could return to Olympus. And a grown-up Zieg returns to be Albert's bitch -- I mean, pet)
Zieg: ::more profanities::
Meru: Hey, you're making this story just as long!!
(Shut up, I am the Almighty Narrator)
Haschel: ::sitting in a bush, watching nymphs taking a bath:: Oh yeah.....
Albert and Zieg: You sick old bastard!!
Haschel: ::blushes:: So what do you want?
Albert: I need you to make me a hero
Haschel: What, beating Melbu Frahma wasn't enough for ya?
Albert: Um, no.
Haschel: Two words: I AM RETIRED
Albert: That's three words
Haschel: I KNOW that's three words! I'm the comic relief, it's what I do
Albert: Riiiiiiiight
Haschel: Anyway, I can't train ya because I already tried training heroes and that failed ::bottom lip quivers:: GENRICH!! CLAIRE!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Zieg: If you have another flashback to Rogue, I swear to Soa....
Albert: But, Guaraha's my father! And look what I can do! ::picks up a giant disc and throws it really far::
Haschel: OH! Does this mean that I finally get a song and dance number?!
Me: You actually WANTED a song and dance number?
Haschel: ::nods::
Me: Um...go for it
Haschel: ::singing:: So ya wanna be a hero kid, well whoop-de-do!
Albert and Zieg: ....
Haschel: I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you! Each and everyone a disappointment, pain ::ow:: for which there ain't no ointment!
Albert: That's isn't proper --
All: SHUT UP!
Haschel: So much for excuses, no kid of Guaraha's -- ::stops singing:: wait, that doesn't rhyme
Me: Then skip that part
Haschel: ::shrugs, continues singing:: Asking me to jump into the fray! My answer is two words!
Guaraha: ::strikes him down with lightning:: Mwhahaha, I love smiting!
Haschel: O-kay
(So Albert is trained and he eventually grows up and bulks up)
Zieg: Cute skirt ::smirk::
Albert: You're just jealous because you don't have the legs to pull off an outfit like this
Me: OMG that's my skirt! Doel [my costume director] where did you get that?
Doel: Hey, we have a very tight budget. Your sister gave it to me
Lauren: You look like a slut wearing it anyway.
Albert: So wait, what does that say about me?
Lloyd: HAHA! ALBERT'S A SLUT!
(Can we continue now?)
Me: Yeah
(First stop as a hero, to save Shana)
Shana: I always seem to end up in these situations
River Guardian: Pucker up, sweetheart
Shana: Ewwww
Albert: ::hands on hips, very super-hero like:: Stop right there and unhand that young woman!
Shana: Oh, hi Albert. I was kinda expecting Dart, but I guess you'll do
Albert: Oh, thanks
River Guardian: Step aside two legs!
Albert: No ::takes out his spear:: Gust of Wind Dance!! ::kicks the River Guardian's ass::
River Guardian: I thought I was supposed to hit him first!!
Albert: I am the King of Serdio -- no one touches me.
Me: Oh god, I think this part has gone to his head....
Shana: Well, Albert, thanks for saving me. I'll be going now.
Albert: O...kay
(She walks into a dark forest and finds ::gasp:: a rabbit and a gopher!)
Shana: Damn, I thought I got rid of you rodents in the "Snow White" chapter!
Rabbit: Who you calling a rodent, sister?! I'M a BUNNY! ::points to his fluffy tail::
Gopher: And I'm his gopher!
[Yeah for direct quotes]
Rabbit and Gopher: ::transforms into Doel and Lavitz, respectively:: Ta-da!
Shana: What do you mean "transform"? They just unzipped their costumes
Lavitz: It's Disney movie magic, stop spoiling it!
Dart: I get to be the god of the underworld, but I'm stuck with these two ::points to Doel and Lavitz::
Me: Deal with it
Shana: ::swoon:: Dart!
Dart: Shana, why don't I have a River Guardian on my team for world domination?
Shana: Because Albert kicked his ass. When are we gunna get some alone time?
Dart: ::hair starts to flare up:: What -- was that name, again?!
Shana: Albert.....
Lavitz: Albert? Why does that name ring a bell?
Doel: I dunno, maybe we owe him money?
[More direct quotes. Yeah.]
Dart: ::explodes in fury, chokes Doel and Lavitz::
(Well, now we have established that Shana, the woman that Albert is smitten with is working for Dart, the god who wants him dead. Albert is oblivious to all of this.)
Albert: Then why wasn't Dart casted as Hercules?
Dart: Witty as ever.
Meru: Dart begins to sick every monster available to try and kill Albert --
Albert: When did you come back as the narrator?
Damia: The "Almighty Narrator" is on her "almighty lunch break"
(::sits quietly eating a crossant sandwich from Daily Perks::) [remember "Peter Pan"?]
Meru: ANYWAY, Albert defeats them all -- the Hydra, the Harpies, the --
Albert: Wait, aren't I supposed to have an epic battle with the Hydra?
Me: And risk ruining my skirt?! Never! That cost me $30 and I paid for that with my OWN MONEY.
Lloyd: I thought you didn't get paid for this! How can you afford a new skirt?!
Me: I don't get paid for this, but I do have another job! (You visited me last chapter, remember...)
Lloyd: And you STILL don't pay me?!
Me: NO!
Meru: HELLO!!
Haschel: ::snore:: This part is soooooo boring...
(My lunch is over. Back to the story. Let's skip ahead to....Dart ordering Shana to go on a date with Albert to discover his weakness)
Shana: I don't want to do it!
Dart: Oh, that's right, men is what got you into this mess in the first place. ::conjures up shadow figures:: You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life, and how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe....::shadow Shana cries::
[I'm already at three direct quotes. Can I try for four?!]
Shana: But you're my boyfriend, Dart
Dart: I meant in the movie
Shana: I don't have a boyfriend in the movie
Dart: Because he left you
Shana: But YOU'RE my boyfriend
Dart: Yeah, but...
Me: SHANA, SHUT UP! GO ON A DATE WITH ALBERT!
Shana: FINE! ::pouts::
(Albert and Shana's date....yeah, you don't see it in the film, either)
Shana: You don't expect me to sing again, do you?
Me: Of course not
All: Good
Me: ::wearing another Megara costume:: I'll be filling in. ::starts singing:: If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I already won that. No man is worth the aggrivation -- that's ancient history, been there done that
Meru, Damia, Wink: ::my backup singers:: Who ya think you're kidding? He's the earth and heaven to you! [la la la]
Me and the Muses: ::concludes our song::
All: ::golf clap::
Albert: That's not bad. You practice?
Me: A little. I consider this my theme song, especially with, ya know.....
Wesley, Mateo, Jimbo: ::whistles innocently::
(If you haven't noticed, this is the chapter where we go off topic a lot -- that's why I'm skipping to the end! Dart! Release the Titans!!)
Dart: I need to take Albert's strength away first
(Oh yeah. Go for it)
Albert: I feel dizzy....this isn't supposed to happen! I am the King of Serdio!
Dart: Then maybe you should sit down! ::throws a dumbell at Albert::
[Yes! Four direct quotes!]
Albert: But I thought you liked me
Dart: If only you were Lloyd.
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Can we come out now?
Dart: Yes! I release you!
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Destroy ::stomp:: Guaraha! ::stomp::
Dart: Guys! Olympus would be that way ::points in the opposite direction::
[Zing! Another movie quote!]
Titans: ::turn around:: We knew that ::resumes their stomping and chanting:: Destroy Guaraha!
Dart: And they call me stupid....
(The Titans ambush Mount Olympus!)
Lavitz: And I get my revenge!! ::steals Lloyd's rose-colored sunglasses and winged shoes:: mwhahahahaha!
Lloyd: No! I'm bliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!!
Lavitz: ::cackles evily::
Guaraha: You'll pay for this, Dart!
Dart: ::conjures up a dark throne:: I'll be taking orders from now on, Bolt Boy
[I just can't stop with the direct quotes! It's addicting!]
Albert: Not so fast!
(In comes the gallant hero, riding atop his noble steed!)
Albert Glompers: ::swoon, sigh, cry, and other fan girl type motions::
Me: ::locks them back in their cage:: Effing glompers....
Zieg: Oh, NOW I'm a noble steed
(And he saves the day)
Albert: Why won't you let me fight anyone?!
Me: YOU wanna pay for my skirt once you rip it?!
Albert: No
Me: Then stop complaining and follow the Almighty Narrator!!
(That's right, beyotch.)
Kanzas: Can I please get out of this ice costume and away from these freaks?!
Belzac: ::to Kongol:: So, you think the loincloth look would work for me?
Kongol: Yes, me thinks it would work
Kanzas: Oh god.....
(Yes, I believe you can.)
Kanzas: ::walks off, muttering profanities::
(Now Albert, go save a dying Shana!)
Albert: Since when was she dying?!
(Since I said so!)
Haschel: I don't understand why I get these dinky parts. I haven't had a decent role since "Peter Pan."
Rose: ::cuts her thread of life::
Shana: ::dies::
Haschel: WTF?! SHE DIED!! SOMEONE GET AN AMBULANCE!!
(Relax. It's part of the script.)
Haschel: Oh.
(Back in the underworld....)
Dart: ::flares up in fury, chokes Doel just for the hell of it::
Doel: Lavitz, what's today?
Lavitz: Tuesday
Doel: Damn
Albert: ::riding on the back of Cerebrus:: Dart! Let Shana go!
Dart: Why do you care? She's my girlfriend
Shana: ::in the River of Death:: Told you!!
Albert: I care because it's part of the script. Now let her go.
Dart: How about you go get her yourself.
Albert: Fair enough ::dives into the River of Death::
(But before he does, costuming quickly changes him into pants so that my skirt will not get wet)
Albert: You're very possesive, aren't you?
Me: Especially if I paid for it with my own money
(Back to the story)
Dart: Oh wait, I forgot, you'll be dead before you can get her. That's not a problem, is it?
Albert: ::swimming, growing older as he gets closer to Shana::
Rose: Sweet, first I get to kill the Moon Child, and now I get to kill that pompous King of Serdio
Miranda: ::waves her arms around, jabs Shirley in the shoulder::
Shirley: Miranda says she wants to do it, and other such curse words
Rose: How is it that you can understand her?
Shirley: It's a hidden talent.
Rose: Well, Miranda, the answer is no. And other such curse words
Miranda: ::flips her off::
(Rose brings the scissors to Albert's thread of life, but it won't cut.)
Rose: What the hell?!
Miranda: ::another mirad of obscene gestures::
Shirley: I'm not repeating that
Dart: ::sees Albert emerging from the River of Death:: But, how? You can't be alive, you'd hafta be --
Doel and Lavitz: A god?
Dart: Wait, Albert, let's make a deal! Put in a good word with Guaraha! C'mon, Shana, tell him!
Albert: ::punches Dart in the face:: That felt good
Dart: But I thought you liked me
Albert: If only you were Lloyd
Lloyd: Ya, I'll beat both your asses
(Shana's alive, Albert's a god, they live happily ever after)
Meru: FINALE!!
Muses: ::sing and dance::
Shana: Wait, Albert, aren't you supposed to stay on earth with me?
Emille: ::struts by, dressed as Aphrodite::
Albert: I could, but....::chases after Emille::
Shana: ::pouts::
Haschel and Zieg: I hate my job
THE END
Me: ::twirling around in my skirt:: YEAH! I got my skirt back from Albert!!
Albert: ::wearing his LoD outfit again:: You only had to ask, stealing it from my dressing room was not necessary
Me: But it was more fun ::twirls again:: Don't I look cute! I needed this for my hot date tonight!
Meru: ::twirls with me:: WHEE!
All: What date?!
::Ding dong::
Mateo: Ready to go?
Me: THAT date! Bye! ::leaves::
Lauren: SLUT!!
Disclaimer: Not the owner of LoD or Disney
Me: ACTION!!
Part Ten: Hercules
Cast: Hercules = Albert; Megara = Shana; Phil = Haschel; Hades = Dart; Pain = Doel; Panic = Lavitz; Zeus = Guaraha; Pegasus = Zieg; Hermes = Lloyd; The Three Fates = Rose, Shirley, Miranda; Titans = Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas; Muses = Meru, Damia, Wink. Special Appperance by Emille
(Our story begins high on Mount Olympus, where all the ancient gods -- )
Meru: ::standing with her hands on her hips, wearing a toga, and surrounded by Damia and Wink:: ExCUSE me!
(Yes, ladies?)
Damia: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts, and proclaimers of heroes!
Wink: And AS the goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes, it is OUR job to tell the story of the hero Albert ::swoon::
Albert: ::smile, teeth go "ping"::
(So, does this mean that I'm not needed?)
Muses: ::nods::
(Sweet! I can FINALLY have my break! ::leaves::)
Meru: Yay! We have complete control of the story!!
Damia: So, where do we start?
Wink: At the beginning, of course! ::grabs an urn, painted with Kongol, Belzac, and Kanzas wreaking havoc upon the earth:: A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away....
Meru: Wink! Focus!
Wink: Sorry. Um....oh yeah, a long time ago, the Titans wreaked havoc upon the earth
Kanzas: Damn right bitches
Kongol and Belzac: Argh
Wink: ::grabs another urn with Guaraha holding a lightining bolt:: But then, Guaraha struck them down and locked them in a prison beneath the earth!
Titans: Bastard!
Wink: And Guaraha became ruler of the skies!
Guaraha: ::smile, teeth go "ping"::
Meru: Hehe
Damia: My turn!! ::grabs another urn, with baby Albert:: Many eons later, Guaraha and his wife had a son who would be the greatest hero ever! But one god did not welcome the birth....::holds up an urn of a pissed-off Dart::
Meru: Narrator!! ::snap snap:: We need your services again!!
(Damn. Oh well, a party on Mount Olympus with baby Albert and his new pet, baby Zieg)
Albert: Waah.
Zieg: ::obscenities::
(Cool it Zieg, the FCC is already on my case)
Zieg: That's your own damn fault
(Enter Dart with fire for hair)
Lloyd: Why does he get to be the god of the underworld, and I hafta be the flamboyant messanger?!
Dart: Because I am sexier than you.
Lloyd: No you're not!!
Dart: ::ignore, goes over to Albert's cradle:: Well, look at the little sun spot. Isn't he just the cutest ::hands him a spiked rattle::
Albert: Nice try ::crushes Dart's hand::
Dart: ::nursing his hand:: Little bitch.....
Meru: Of course, Dart wanted to rule the skies instead of Guaraha....so Dart returns to the underworld to carry out his sinister plot with the Fates.....
Dart: Doel! Lavitz! Where are those two when I need them?!
Doel: ::falls down the stairs:: OW!! ::profanities::
Lavitz: Oh god, Dart's mad....he's gunna do something awful....
Doel: Stop whining like a little bitch....dammit, why do we hafta be the croonies for that dumbass?!
Dart: Because I am sexier than you ::hits Doel upside the head:: Are the Fates here yet?
Rose: ::staring him down with one eyeball:: Yeah we're here.
Miranda: ::steals the eyeball, sticks it in her eye socket:: Stupid bastard is late.
Doel and Lavitz: Ewwwwwwwwww
Dart: Ladies, I am sooooo sorry {and soooooo grossed out!!}
Shirley: ::takes the eyeball:: Don't apologize, we knew it was coming.
Rose: ::steals back the eyeball:: We know everything: past
Shirley: ::takes back the eyeball:: Present
Dart: I know --
Miranda: ::takes the eyeball:: And future....if only we could stop it sometimes, like the invention of the f-cking Playstation and f-cking fan fiction author ::glares at me with the one eyeball::
Me: You forget that I have the power to make your fan fiction life hell
Miranda: And YOU forget that you locked my voice in Kingdom Hearts! I'm already in f-cking hell!
Me: Oh yeah ::steals her voice, hands it to Sora:: Be a dear and do something with this
Sora: ....
Miranda: ::opens her mouth, nothing comes out, then pouts::
Rose and Shirley: Dumb bitch
Dart: Ladies, please, I have this problem about Albert, the son of Guaraha --
Fates: We know
Dart: I KNOW that you know! Just....tell me how to correct it.
(Just know that whenever the Fates talk, they pass their eyeball back and forth)
Shirley: In eighteen years, the planets will a line and allow you to release the Titans
Rose: You will rule the Titans, and they will storm Olympus and destroy Guaraha for you
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Says who?!
Rose: Shut up. You have no choice
Titans: Damn
Shirley: You, Dart, will then rule the skies
Miranda: ::jabs her in the shoulder::
Shirley: Oh, Miranda says "you will rule, despite the fact that you are an effing bastard"
Dart: Hey!
Shirley: However, if Albert interferes, your plan will fail.
Dart: How do I stop him?
Rose: Dumbass, figure it out yourself ::they leave::
Shirley: ::to Doel:: By the way, beware next Tuesday ::leaves::
Doel: Like I'd listen to that bitch....
Damia: Dart immediately got to work in destroying Albert
Dart: Doel, Lavitz, go kill Albert
Doel and Lavitz: WHY?! HOW?!
Dart: Because I am sexier than you...and you make the baby drink this potion. And ALL of it.
Wink: Doel and Lavitz successfully stole Albert from Olympus and made him drink the potion to make him human....
Albert: You think I'm that dense? I'm not drinking that
Doel: Take it like a man ::forces the bottle into his mouth::
Wink: However, he left one drop.....but he was still human, and could never return to Olympus
Guaraha: I am so sad ::tear::
Meru: What could Guaraha do?! Poor Albert, never to return!
(Ladies -- sorry, but you are making the story too long.)
Muses: ::pout::
(Cut to Albert as an awkward teenager with super-strength)
All: Loser-freak
(He goes to the Temple of Guaraha to seek help, and finds out that Guaraha is his father -- )
Guaraha: ::Darth Vader voice:: ALBERT I AM YOUR FATHER
Albert: I know....
Guaraha: I couldn't resist
(Guaraha sends Albert to Haschel, trainer of heroes, so that Albert could return to Olympus. And a grown-up Zieg returns to be Albert's bitch -- I mean, pet)
Zieg: ::more profanities::
Meru: Hey, you're making this story just as long!!
(Shut up, I am the Almighty Narrator)
Haschel: ::sitting in a bush, watching nymphs taking a bath:: Oh yeah.....
Albert and Zieg: You sick old bastard!!
Haschel: ::blushes:: So what do you want?
Albert: I need you to make me a hero
Haschel: What, beating Melbu Frahma wasn't enough for ya?
Albert: Um, no.
Haschel: Two words: I AM RETIRED
Albert: That's three words
Haschel: I KNOW that's three words! I'm the comic relief, it's what I do
Albert: Riiiiiiiight
Haschel: Anyway, I can't train ya because I already tried training heroes and that failed ::bottom lip quivers:: GENRICH!! CLAIRE!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Zieg: If you have another flashback to Rogue, I swear to Soa....
Albert: But, Guaraha's my father! And look what I can do! ::picks up a giant disc and throws it really far::
Haschel: OH! Does this mean that I finally get a song and dance number?!
Me: You actually WANTED a song and dance number?
Haschel: ::nods::
Me: Um...go for it
Haschel: ::singing:: So ya wanna be a hero kid, well whoop-de-do!
Albert and Zieg: ....
Haschel: I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you! Each and everyone a disappointment, pain ::ow:: for which there ain't no ointment!
Albert: That's isn't proper --
All: SHUT UP!
Haschel: So much for excuses, no kid of Guaraha's -- ::stops singing:: wait, that doesn't rhyme
Me: Then skip that part
Haschel: ::shrugs, continues singing:: Asking me to jump into the fray! My answer is two words!
Guaraha: ::strikes him down with lightning:: Mwhahaha, I love smiting!
Haschel: O-kay
(So Albert is trained and he eventually grows up and bulks up)
Zieg: Cute skirt ::smirk::
Albert: You're just jealous because you don't have the legs to pull off an outfit like this
Me: OMG that's my skirt! Doel [my costume director] where did you get that?
Doel: Hey, we have a very tight budget. Your sister gave it to me
Lauren: You look like a slut wearing it anyway.
Albert: So wait, what does that say about me?
Lloyd: HAHA! ALBERT'S A SLUT!
(Can we continue now?)
Me: Yeah
(First stop as a hero, to save Shana)
Shana: I always seem to end up in these situations
River Guardian: Pucker up, sweetheart
Shana: Ewwww
Albert: ::hands on hips, very super-hero like:: Stop right there and unhand that young woman!
Shana: Oh, hi Albert. I was kinda expecting Dart, but I guess you'll do
Albert: Oh, thanks
River Guardian: Step aside two legs!
Albert: No ::takes out his spear:: Gust of Wind Dance!! ::kicks the River Guardian's ass::
River Guardian: I thought I was supposed to hit him first!!
Albert: I am the King of Serdio -- no one touches me.
Me: Oh god, I think this part has gone to his head....
Shana: Well, Albert, thanks for saving me. I'll be going now.
Albert: O...kay
(She walks into a dark forest and finds ::gasp:: a rabbit and a gopher!)
Shana: Damn, I thought I got rid of you rodents in the "Snow White" chapter!
Rabbit: Who you calling a rodent, sister?! I'M a BUNNY! ::points to his fluffy tail::
Gopher: And I'm his gopher!
[Yeah for direct quotes]
Rabbit and Gopher: ::transforms into Doel and Lavitz, respectively:: Ta-da!
Shana: What do you mean "transform"? They just unzipped their costumes
Lavitz: It's Disney movie magic, stop spoiling it!
Dart: I get to be the god of the underworld, but I'm stuck with these two ::points to Doel and Lavitz::
Me: Deal with it
Shana: ::swoon:: Dart!
Dart: Shana, why don't I have a River Guardian on my team for world domination?
Shana: Because Albert kicked his ass. When are we gunna get some alone time?
Dart: ::hair starts to flare up:: What -- was that name, again?!
Shana: Albert.....
Lavitz: Albert? Why does that name ring a bell?
Doel: I dunno, maybe we owe him money?
[More direct quotes. Yeah.]
Dart: ::explodes in fury, chokes Doel and Lavitz::
(Well, now we have established that Shana, the woman that Albert is smitten with is working for Dart, the god who wants him dead. Albert is oblivious to all of this.)
Albert: Then why wasn't Dart casted as Hercules?
Dart: Witty as ever.
Meru: Dart begins to sick every monster available to try and kill Albert --
Albert: When did you come back as the narrator?
Damia: The "Almighty Narrator" is on her "almighty lunch break"
(::sits quietly eating a crossant sandwich from Daily Perks::) [remember "Peter Pan"?]
Meru: ANYWAY, Albert defeats them all -- the Hydra, the Harpies, the --
Albert: Wait, aren't I supposed to have an epic battle with the Hydra?
Me: And risk ruining my skirt?! Never! That cost me $30 and I paid for that with my OWN MONEY.
Lloyd: I thought you didn't get paid for this! How can you afford a new skirt?!
Me: I don't get paid for this, but I do have another job! (You visited me last chapter, remember...)
Lloyd: And you STILL don't pay me?!
Me: NO!
Meru: HELLO!!
Haschel: ::snore:: This part is soooooo boring...
(My lunch is over. Back to the story. Let's skip ahead to....Dart ordering Shana to go on a date with Albert to discover his weakness)
Shana: I don't want to do it!
Dart: Oh, that's right, men is what got you into this mess in the first place. ::conjures up shadow figures:: You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life, and how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe....::shadow Shana cries::
[I'm already at three direct quotes. Can I try for four?!]
Shana: But you're my boyfriend, Dart
Dart: I meant in the movie
Shana: I don't have a boyfriend in the movie
Dart: Because he left you
Shana: But YOU'RE my boyfriend
Dart: Yeah, but...
Me: SHANA, SHUT UP! GO ON A DATE WITH ALBERT!
Shana: FINE! ::pouts::
(Albert and Shana's date....yeah, you don't see it in the film, either)
Shana: You don't expect me to sing again, do you?
Me: Of course not
All: Good
Me: ::wearing another Megara costume:: I'll be filling in. ::starts singing:: If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I already won that. No man is worth the aggrivation -- that's ancient history, been there done that
Meru, Damia, Wink: ::my backup singers:: Who ya think you're kidding? He's the earth and heaven to you! [la la la]
Me and the Muses: ::concludes our song::
All: ::golf clap::
Albert: That's not bad. You practice?
Me: A little. I consider this my theme song, especially with, ya know.....
Wesley, Mateo, Jimbo: ::whistles innocently::
(If you haven't noticed, this is the chapter where we go off topic a lot -- that's why I'm skipping to the end! Dart! Release the Titans!!)
Dart: I need to take Albert's strength away first
(Oh yeah. Go for it)
Albert: I feel dizzy....this isn't supposed to happen! I am the King of Serdio!
Dart: Then maybe you should sit down! ::throws a dumbell at Albert::
[Yes! Four direct quotes!]
Albert: But I thought you liked me
Dart: If only you were Lloyd.
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Can we come out now?
Dart: Yes! I release you!
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Destroy ::stomp:: Guaraha! ::stomp::
Dart: Guys! Olympus would be that way ::points in the opposite direction::
[Zing! Another movie quote!]
Titans: ::turn around:: We knew that ::resumes their stomping and chanting:: Destroy Guaraha!
Dart: And they call me stupid....
(The Titans ambush Mount Olympus!)
Lavitz: And I get my revenge!! ::steals Lloyd's rose-colored sunglasses and winged shoes:: mwhahahahaha!
Lloyd: No! I'm bliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!!
Lavitz: ::cackles evily::
Guaraha: You'll pay for this, Dart!
Dart: ::conjures up a dark throne:: I'll be taking orders from now on, Bolt Boy
[I just can't stop with the direct quotes! It's addicting!]
Albert: Not so fast!
(In comes the gallant hero, riding atop his noble steed!)
Albert Glompers: ::swoon, sigh, cry, and other fan girl type motions::
Me: ::locks them back in their cage:: Effing glompers....
Zieg: Oh, NOW I'm a noble steed
(And he saves the day)
Albert: Why won't you let me fight anyone?!
Me: YOU wanna pay for my skirt once you rip it?!
Albert: No
Me: Then stop complaining and follow the Almighty Narrator!!
(That's right, beyotch.)
Kanzas: Can I please get out of this ice costume and away from these freaks?!
Belzac: ::to Kongol:: So, you think the loincloth look would work for me?
Kongol: Yes, me thinks it would work
Kanzas: Oh god.....
(Yes, I believe you can.)
Kanzas: ::walks off, muttering profanities::
(Now Albert, go save a dying Shana!)
Albert: Since when was she dying?!
(Since I said so!)
Haschel: I don't understand why I get these dinky parts. I haven't had a decent role since "Peter Pan."
Rose: ::cuts her thread of life::
Shana: ::dies::
Haschel: WTF?! SHE DIED!! SOMEONE GET AN AMBULANCE!!
(Relax. It's part of the script.)
Haschel: Oh.
(Back in the underworld....)
Dart: ::flares up in fury, chokes Doel just for the hell of it::
Doel: Lavitz, what's today?
Lavitz: Tuesday
Doel: Damn
Albert: ::riding on the back of Cerebrus:: Dart! Let Shana go!
Dart: Why do you care? She's my girlfriend
Shana: ::in the River of Death:: Told you!!
Albert: I care because it's part of the script. Now let her go.
Dart: How about you go get her yourself.
Albert: Fair enough ::dives into the River of Death::
(But before he does, costuming quickly changes him into pants so that my skirt will not get wet)
Albert: You're very possesive, aren't you?
Me: Especially if I paid for it with my own money
(Back to the story)
Dart: Oh wait, I forgot, you'll be dead before you can get her. That's not a problem, is it?
Albert: ::swimming, growing older as he gets closer to Shana::
Rose: Sweet, first I get to kill the Moon Child, and now I get to kill that pompous King of Serdio
Miranda: ::waves her arms around, jabs Shirley in the shoulder::
Shirley: Miranda says she wants to do it, and other such curse words
Rose: How is it that you can understand her?
Shirley: It's a hidden talent.
Rose: Well, Miranda, the answer is no. And other such curse words
Miranda: ::flips her off::
(Rose brings the scissors to Albert's thread of life, but it won't cut.)
Rose: What the hell?!
Miranda: ::another mirad of obscene gestures::
Shirley: I'm not repeating that
Dart: ::sees Albert emerging from the River of Death:: But, how? You can't be alive, you'd hafta be --
Doel and Lavitz: A god?
Dart: Wait, Albert, let's make a deal! Put in a good word with Guaraha! C'mon, Shana, tell him!
Albert: ::punches Dart in the face:: That felt good
Dart: But I thought you liked me
Albert: If only you were Lloyd
Lloyd: Ya, I'll beat both your asses
(Shana's alive, Albert's a god, they live happily ever after)
Meru: FINALE!!
Muses: ::sing and dance::
Shana: Wait, Albert, aren't you supposed to stay on earth with me?
Emille: ::struts by, dressed as Aphrodite::
Albert: I could, but....::chases after Emille::
Shana: ::pouts::
Haschel and Zieg: I hate my job
THE END
Me: ::twirling around in my skirt:: YEAH! I got my skirt back from Albert!!
Albert: ::wearing his LoD outfit again:: You only had to ask, stealing it from my dressing room was not necessary
Me: But it was more fun ::twirls again:: Don't I look cute! I needed this for my hot date tonight!
Meru: ::twirls with me:: WHEE!
All: What date?!
::Ding dong::
Mateo: Ready to go?
Me: THAT date! Bye! ::leaves::
Lauren: SLUT!!