6/6

Ryan's chest rose and fell. Rose and fell. His breath coming out in short, sporadic bouts.

Seth refused to look at him. His own breathing was so heavy there was a wheezing noise coming from his chest. It reminded him of the first time he'd had sex with Summer. Only worse. His hand stung from the salt water in his open wound and he had a stitch in his side and he was pretty sure he'd swallowed more seawater than what was deemed safe. At least if he died from secondary drowning he wouldn't have to talk things through with Ryan.

Seth looked out at the water, praying this was all some sort of bad dream that he was about to wake up from. The waves were bigger now, the colour of slate except for their white foaming caps. The powerful wind jostled the boat, pushing it along like a tin can on a city street. Over the bumps, the horizon faded in and out as the sky settled on orange. The gulls, the salty smell, the crisp air - he had, for a moment, the irritating feeling of hating it all and had to remind himself that he loved the water and his boat. What he didn't love right now was the openness of it all, the feeling of being completely exposed and flanked by the need to get away from Ryan and having no way to do so.

Seth, buried in his own dejection and misery, was not aware of the change in Ryan. He hadn't taken note that his breathing had evened or that his eyes were darkening. Had he, he might have been more prepared for when Ryan pounced, obviously regaining some strength. The wind went out of his lungs and he struggled to reclaim it as Ryan's heavy weight pressed down on him.

Ryan pinned Seth's arms over his head and sat on his chest, his legs on either side of Seth's ribs. "Just fucking listen to me for one second!"

Seth fought him, wresting under him with every last ounce of adrenaline he had in him. "Why, so you can go tell me all about you and Theresa?" he shouted, anger glistening off of his wet skin. He didn't want to act like a brat, but there was something greater pulling at him, making him go on no matter how childish he sounded. "Or about your new perfect little family and how I'm not a part of it?" His voice cracked and his stomach lurched. He was either going to have to throw up and choke or just give in. The pounding in his ears and an intense headache, like a million mini-explosions firing through his brain, told him the latter was his best option. "How I'm never going to be a part of it..." he finished, weakened. He stopped struggling, submitted. It wasn't until Ryan's thumb touched his cheek that he realized he was crying. He felt his face heat up and he looked away, embarrassed.

Ryan didn't force him to look at him. Ryan didn't do or say anything for a long time, in fact.

Curiosity getting the best of him, Seth finally turned back to look at Ryan. In the wan light, Ryan's eyes were gray and conflicted, his face bisected by the setting sun casting half of it in shadow. He was staring out at the ocean, seemingly unaware of Seth underneath him still battling for a proper breath. Seth turned away again. He flexed his hand and watched a slow trickle of blood ooze up between his knuckles and then run off the back of it.

The time that passed felt like hours, but was probably only minutes. Ryan cleared his throat before he spoke.

"She... We," he corrected in a voice that sounded distant, "lost the baby." Ryan cleared his throat again and Seth felt it almost shatter him. "The baby's gone, Seth. Just...gone."

That rocked him. His eyes immediately turned to Ryan, looking for answers. "What?! How?"

And then he saw it in Ryan's eyes. The hurt. The betrayal. All caused by him. A spasm of realization struck him. He'd left Ryan alone when he needed him the most. Let him deal with the grief he felt because he was too damn caught up with how things were affecting himself and no one else. Why did he always have to be so fucking selfish?

Ryan eased the pressure on Seth, but just a little. "It was an accident. She fell." Ryan voice was strained. It sounded detached and very far away.

"Ryan, man," Seth said, trying to pull him back. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Not everything is about you, Seth!" Ryan's eyes hardened, his grip tightened. "You weren't there and then I came to get you... I tried to tell you and every time I tried..." Ryan shook his head. "Every time I tried, you didn't want to hear it."

Seth winced. Ryan noticed and relaxed his hands. "I'm sorry, I know I was an ass. I just...I can't believe..." A thought donned on him. "You've been at the house?"

Ryan nodded.

Seth's eyebrows raised at that revelation. "For how long?"

"Two weeks."

His heart sunk to the pit of his stomach. For two weeks, at least, Ryan had been in the throngs of grief and borderline agony while Seth hung out at the beach getting drunk and being stupid. "I'm sorry," Seth said, desperate for forgiveness. "I'm so so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Ryan said, tired.

Seth cautiously pulled his arm out from under Ryan and placed it on his back. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I really am. For everything."

Ryan nodded and continued to watch the water as they bobbed along.

What felt like a long time passed before Seth spoke again. When he did it was full of regret and self-loathing. "I didn't want to have these feelings for you...I just couldn't help it."

They both sighed, at the same time exchanging a look.

"I just...I thought you felt it, too. And then when you left..." Seth paused, collecting his thoughts. In the interim, Ryan's grip had relaxed.

"You were right. What you said... I was a brat," Seth said, smiling nervously, "but you really can't blame me. Blame my Mom, she's the one that always pampered me. Yep, Dad always used to say she spoiled me and that I was going to turn out all selfish. But, I mean, come on, I'm not that selfish, am I? I'm not as bad as-"

"Seth," Ryan said, cutting him off, his voice patient.

Seth ignored him. "Dude, I'll so get over it. I just didn't know what to do. We don't even have to talk about it anymore, really. I'll just-"

"Seth."

Seth failed to notice Ryan's heightened tone, or that he'd spoke at all, for that matter. "No, seriously. Everything will just go back to normal and I'll admire you from afar until it just fizzles out or I meet someone else or-"

"Seth!"

"Don't even worry about it, man. 'Cause honestly, I think-"

Ryan pressed their lips together silencing Seth. It took a second for Seth to actually process what was happening. Ryan's lips were on his. Ryan's tongue was seeking entrance into his mouth. Ryan was kissing him!

And before Seth could really process it all, Ryan pulled back. "I did."

Seth blinked rapidly. "You did what?" he asked, still stunned.

Ryan's answered was almost shy; it was the most exposed Seth had ever seen him. "I felt it, too."

Seth couldn't push down the flutter of hope that started in his stomach. "Do you...I mean, do you still?"

Ryan nodded slowly, the wind picking up his hair and dropping it gently against his forehead. "I didn't know how you felt... I thought maybe I was imagining things, wishful thinking or something. I don't exactly have a lot of experience with this sort of thing."

"That makes two of us. Ah, finally something we're both idiots at. That's surprisingly reassuring, actually." Ryan's body relaxed, instead of holding Seth down he was now almost draped over him. Ryan's temple pressed against his own. His skin was warm and it felt nice being close like this, like he'd always imagined it would. If he was sleeping and this was a dream, he decided that now he never wanted to wake up. "God, Ryan."

It would be difficult to describe to anyone else how easily they forgave each other. Most people might have held lengthy grudges or harboured guilt, but that wasn't the type of relationship Ryan and Seth had. They didn't need to mention it. They didn't need a thousand different takes to admit they were sorry. It was more of an acknowledgement that they had both played some part of whatever wrong that had been visited upon the other and that it was over and done with.

Seth felt his nerves prickling again. "What about Theresa?"

Ryan didn't even bother to move, perhaps too drained physically and emotionally to even be able to. "Your parents bought her a ticket to Atlanta. There was no reason for her to stay."

The loss of a life--Ryan's baby's life-was devastating, and Seth wasn't trying to downplay it, but he could see that Ryan was going to be okay; that he'd probably spent the last two weeks getting to this point, of being okay. And, although Seth knew he was an asshole for being glad that Theresa was gone, he wasn't going to apologize for it. They were owed this time together...or, at least Ryan was. Seth had been a jerk and he was sure it was going to take some time for Ryan to fully trust him again, but he had confidence that things just might work out. "What about you? Are you staying?"

"I don't have anywhere else to go," Ryan said, teasing.

"Oh, I get it, so I'm, like, the consolation prize?" The transition from anger, to hurt, to humour was not as strange as he would have thought. It didn't mean everything was back to normal, but it did mean that Ryan forgave him; that Ryan understood.

"Basically," Ryan answered, lifting his head. There was a hint of a smile in his eyes. "You do realize Summer is going to kill you right?"

Ryan was making jokes? Seth smiled. Things were going to be okay, now, he was sure of it.

Telling Summer was not going to be easy, but at least he had backup for when he told her the truth and he was face to face with a Rage Blackout. "I know. Believe me, I know. You don't by chance know Karate, do you?"

end.