I spent the night feeling extremely lonely and depressed. It was cold and dark, the wind howled around me. I longed for proper shelter or a warmer cloak.
Morning arrived at last however, I've never been so glad to see a sunrise. The sky was tinged with pink, and then the sun burst over the top of the horizon. Very pretty.
It will take more than a beautiful sunrise to help me though. I need to collect my thoughts and decide what I am going to do now. I could head for home. That would probably be the most sensible thing to do. Without a horse, it would probably take me well over a week, but if I'm sparing with the food, I might just make it. It might be good for me to discover what it is like to be really hungry.
But when I get home, I'll be no better off. I can almost see Arwen taunting me already for turning back, being pathetic.
I'm not pathetic! I won't be! I won't give her the satisfaction!
That decides it. I'm not turning back!
I'm looking up at the mountain range now. The snow is glistening softly in the sunlight, but it would be stupid to try and cross alone. Oh, I'm so frustrated! What do I do?
#####################################################################
I woke up to hear a sound I haven't heard for a long time. At first I thought I was dreaming. The gentle elvish voices sounded so beautiful, like home. But I opened my eyes slowly and I could still hear them. Furthermore, they were getting louder. I jumped to my feet and saw a small group of elves heading for the slopes of Caradhras.
I can't believe my luck, They're heading for Lothlórien too, and are happy to share their food and protection. I don't know them personally, but they know of my father of course. Everyone's heard of Daddy. When I expressed my gratitude for their help I told them that they would be made welcome at my father's home at Imladris any day. They looked quite impressed. One elf in particular seemed particularly pleased to hear this bit of information. I'm not sure why. Maybe he has always wanted to visit?
#####################################################################
This is great! Why didn't I get away from home years ago? All those years of suffering under Arwen, I never realised that life could actually be fun!
The road is long and winding, most is covered with fresh snow, but it is quite passable. I don't know why the fellowship turned back, I can see no signs of struggle. It must just be those pathetic hobbits.
We're travelling slowly, there is no hurry and the scenery is superb. The atmosphere is great too, these elves are so nice. We laugh, joke, sing - well they do. I don't want to risk dislodging nestling snow into an avalanche! They call me "Elrond's daughter" and make a real effort to make me feel part of the group. I never want this trip to end!
#####################################################################
I've made a new best friend. His name is Amladhron, he's the elf who was particularly pleased to hear that he would be welcome at Imladris, my father's home.
We walk together most of the time, we share funny stories, we've got a similar sense of humour and he likes making me laugh.
And when he looks at me and smiles, I feel....I feel sort of funny inside. I really like him. I feel a bit guilty though. Boromir is trapped somewhere in the darkness of tunnels beneath my feet, whilst I'm enjoying myself with Amladhron. I know that we never admitted anything, but....oh I don't know.
At the moment I'm just concentrating on this new experience for me. This sensation of being truly happy, with no sister to spoil it!
#####################################################################
Amladhron is so nice! He's kind & gentle, yet strong and brave too. He saved me today. I was being stupid, showing off maybe? - I don't know. But I was too close to the edge of the cliff path and I slipped. Amladhron caught me before I fell and hauled me back up. I was shaken and frightened as you can imagine. I couldn't believe that I could be so stupid (I'm firmly walking right next to the cliff face now!)
He cheered me up, told me I was beautiful. No one's ever told me that before. Arwen gets told it all the time, I think she's a bit sick of hearing it by now. I suppose I should be a bit pretty, after all I am identical to Arwen. But listening to people telling her, is not the same as being told yourself.
I thought about telling him how much it meant to me to be told that. I thought about telling him what it was like to always be second best to Arwen, but I decided not to. I don't even want to think about her, she's not here, and I am. For once, I'm going to live for me!
#####################################################################
We came to our first really bad fall of snow today. Amladhron held me back as the other elves gingerly edged their way over the snow. At least we can walk over it. It must be awful being so heavy that you actually sink in snow. Do humans actually feel heavy and bloatedly clumsy, or are they just used to it?
When the other elves had cleared over the snow, Amladhron leapt up lightly and reached a strong arm down to haul me up. He was laughing, his long blond hair stirring slightly in the breeze. Brilliant blue sky and warm golden sunshine. Everything was so perfect. How was I supposed to know what was about to happen?
As I scrambled on top of the snow, Amladhron pushed me back into a little cave in the rocky wall of the mountain. I opened my mouth to protest, but he placed a finger over my lips.
"Let me speak" he said softly. "For many years I have longed to meet the daughter of Elrond. At last my dream has come true, and I find that you are more beautiful than all the stories put together." I stared at him, scarcely able to believe my ears. Was someone finally saying this to me?
Amladhron took my hand in his and knelt down on one knee. "Daughter of Elrond," he continued. "I love you. Please make me the happiest elf alive and consent to be my wife."
I was speechless. I'd heard those words directed at Arwen many times, but never to me. To me! at last, after all these years someone was asking me to marry him. And not just anybody, a truly nice elf who I would love to spend eternity with.
"Yes" I managed to say at last, a huge smile spreading across my face.
Amladhron rose to his feet and clasped me in his arms. He kissed me tenderly and held me close.
"At last" he murmured softly under his breath. "Oh Arwen, you're mine at last."
A cold prickle tingled down my neck. I laughed nervously. "I'm not Arwen," I whispered gently, "I'm Sardwen."
Amladhron broke away from me suddenly.
"What did you say?" he asked incredulously. "You're not Arwen? Then...then you lied to me. You told me you were the daughter of Elrond!"
His face was turning pale, his eyes flashing icily.
"I am" I said desperately. "Arwen is my twin sister, we are both daughters of Elrond.....Amladhron..." I pleaded, reaching out towards his arm. "This doesn't change anything, I still love you.....Amladhron??..."
He silently shook my hand off his arm and backed away slowly.
"You are not who I thought you were." he said coldly, then he turned and walked out of the cave and out of sight.
I stared after him for a long time after he had disappeared. Then I slid slowly down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. I buried my face into the folds of my tattered, ripped and filthy skirt...Then I sobbed as if my heart would break.
#####################################################################
I don't know how long I cried for. Eventually one of the other elves came back to fetch me. I don't know if they realised what had happened, but they were sensitive enough not to ask.
Everything is spoilt. The sun still shines in the blue sky, but I feel as miserable as if it were raining. Amladhron and I walk separately. If I ever catch his eye, even for a second, he quickly turns away silently. The whole atmosphere has changed, even the songs and stories are half hearted now.
By the end of the day I was exhausted. Still, we'll arrive at Lothlórien tomorrow, I can't wait to get there and leave these painful memories behind me. All I want to do is forget, and how can I do that with Amladhron near me?
To think, I was so close to getting married, to living happily ever after. And once again, Arwen ruins it for me. Arwen! and she's not even here!
I so wish I was an only child.
#####################################################################
Lothlórien is beautiful. I have to admit that, even in my newly depressed state. There's something about those huge spreading trees that takes your breath away.
It's not quite so encouraging innocently walking along, and finding a taut arrow suddenly pointing at your face. Honestly, Haldir and the other guards get more enthusiastic every day. I'm sure they sadistically enjoy scaring people to death. No wonder Imladris has more signatures in its visitor book.
We didn't have an awful lot of trouble with the guards though. After all, we are elves and vaguely expected. Haldir just enjoyed strutting around importantly, he really is such a poser.
He stopped when he got to me, looked twice and beamed.
"Arwen, how lovely to see you again." he gushed slimily, taking my hand and stroking it. I pulled away angrily, enough was enough.
"Two things..." I snapped. "One, I am not Arwen, I am Sardwen as you should know by now." I didn't give him a chance to reply. "Secondly, I'm in a foul mood, and you're not helping." I stamped hard on his foot and pushed roughly past him and on towards Caras Galadhon. He hopped about on one foot for a moment making squeaking protest noises. I turned after a few strides.
"Thirdly, I'm going to find Granny." I declared to the arrows still pointing in my direction. The archers looked at Haldir anxiously, waiting for the order to shoot. I didn't care any more, they could kill me if they wished. I strode off towards the city.
No one shot me, and it didn't take long to reach Caras Galadhon. I gave a message to one of the attendants at the palace gate, who went off to tell Granny I was here. I waited patiently, hanging over the carved banister in the treetops. Dusk was falling, and the gold and silver lights were glowing in the branches. I remember sliding down this banister once when I was little. If I remember correctly, Arwen dared me to, then called Granny once I'd started. I don't think I've ever seen Granny so cross as she was then. Even the memory made me cringe. I don't mean to get on the wrong side of anyone, it's just that everything I try to do goes wrong and she only ever sees me when I'm in trouble again. Arwen's her pet of course.
I saw a couple of familiar shapes at the base of the tree. I leaned over dangerously to check. Two hobbits, I couldn't tell who. They must have arrived before me. I peered through the branches trying to make out the rest of the fellowship. I saw Legolas talking to some elves, and Aragorn in deep conversation with someone - Boromir perhaps? I hope to see them tomorrow. I also want to see Mithrandir. I desperately need to see a friendly face and I want to tell him about Amladhron. I really need to talk somebody who cares about me. I also want him to reassure me that I will find someone who loves me one day, like he told me before. I just need to hear him say it again at the moment.
The attendant came back. Granny's not going to greet me tonight. Apparently she's got a headache, and can't face the thought of seeing me now. That made me feel a lot better as you can probably tell! I stormed off to my room and locked the door.
Why doesn't anything go right for me?