It's All Coming Back to Me Now
By: xArikinnsx
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except for the few I made up. Most of the characters mentioned belong to J. K. Rowling or my friends, whose role-play characters I used.
Summary: Sirius leaves for 'Order Business' at all times of the day, leaving his 'girl,' Ari, at home all the time. One day, getting another 'urgent' owl, Ari finally snaps, causing the bond between the two to break. So, fifteen years later, she's forced herself to rid of every memory of Sirius to the far reaches of her mind, thinking that she'd never see him again. But, what happens if those memories come back to haunt her? And what is the deal with that big, black, bear like dog at the station?
Author's Notes: Hey all! Sorry for not updating this in, like, forever, but I had a bit... or should I say, lot of writer's block and loads of other stuff was happening so... yeah. Sorry again. Oh, I'd like to thank the people that reviewed:
Alesha: Yeah. Thanks for being my first reviewer, 'Lesha! No worries I'll find a way to put her in there, somehow! LoL
Nocturnal007: Thanks a bundle! I'll be glad to read your stories! =)
Fluffy: Hey Fluffiness, you used my word again! LoL Well thanks for reviewing! Sorry for taking so long to update and no you aren't an illiterate ... Say that again, and I'll make Leena attack Toddy-kin!
Hypie: Hihihi Hypie!! Shmank yew ever sho much fer reviewing! I feel sho... loved! xD
Fluffy(again xD): Yesh, yesh... I'll continue it... no worries... oh! Squishyness has an idea! xD I'll tell you abou it on yahoo later, okayz?
Chapter 1: The Day You Went Away
Ari's Point of View
"I'm... sorry." A depressed sounding voice echoed through the nearly empty hallway. With a crestfallen expression, he advanced towards me, about to give me another embrace before he'd leave for yet another trip because of the Order. Usually I'd allow him to embrace me just once more, wanting the warm feeling he always gave me to linger, but not this time. This time, I drew back, folding my arms protectively in front of myself. I shook my head.
"No."
Sighing, he too shook his head. "I told you, I have to go, Ari." He repeated over many of times. I saw the broken-hearted expression on his handsome face as I shook my head once again.
"No."
A slightly puzzled expression crossed his face as I murmured the word. He advanced yet again, but he saw my discomfort-ness, and backed away. Lowering his hands to his sides, he turned away, probably too ashamed to let me see him cry. He sighed once again, taking his first step towards the door.
My hand shot out to grab his. Tugging slightly, I saw him turn back, the same puzzled expression returning. I shook my head yet again. "Don't." I muttered. "Don't go. Stay. Please." My word clung with please and cries, wanting him to stay and not leave me alone again. "I don't... want you to go."
His strong hand clamped over mine, pulling me into those embraces that always made my stomachs do flips. Lifting my head slowly up, I gazed into those overcast eyes of his, seeing the sorrow in them. He might have seen the similar sorrow filled in mine, but I don't really know.
Bending down, he gently placed his soft lips over mine, in a feather light kiss. My bottom lip quivered slightly as I tried to force a sob back to its reaches. But Sirius silenced me with another soft kiss, soon pressing his against mine with a stronger forced. Need.
I needed him. He needed me. We needed each other, but something was always in our way. First year, it was the fact that I was a girl that I couldn't really hang out with him and the others, until I proved myself 'worthy'. Second year, that was the year the pranks began. Third year, other female students took a liking to him. Fourth year, labeled as the 'tomboy' or Gryffindor house, said that I wasn't 'easy', which might have been a good thing. Fifth year, the annoying way that he'd leave me for James or Remus, sometimes even /Peter/! Sixth year, his blasted fan clubs still chased after him. Seventh Year, we had to keep our 'relationship' a secret nearly the whole year; too many obstacles. But we concurred them, why couldn't we concur this one?
Bottom lip still quivering, he finally broke away, leaving me breathless. Panting slightly, he settled me back down, letting go of my waist. Closing his eyes, he planted another soft kiss on my forehead before heading towards the door once again.
"W-wait!" I cried out, reaching after him once again. My hands brushed against his as I made a grab for the sleeve on his shirt. Flinging my arms around him, a few of the held back tears fell gently down my freckled cheek. "Don't... please don't go."
"Ari..." He sighed in frustration, hugging me once again. "I want to stay. You know I do. But..." Resting his chin on top of my head, I felt him breath in slowly, probably trying to figure out a way to say his next sentence.
"I have to." We said in unison. Looking down at me, the same crestfallen expression still lingered. "So... you understand then?"
"I understand, Sirius." I persisted, tasting the saltiness of the tears that streaked down my cheeks. "I-I knows I'm being selfish, but I want you to stay with me. Please Sirius." Licking my dry lips, I begged on. "Please... don't go."
Turning away, another frustrated sigh emitted from him. "It's not that easy for me either. I want to stay, but they need-"
"I need you!" I interrupted. "If you can't stay, then just take me with you! I'll stay at Grimmauld. You're Mum won't mind, will she?"
"You can't go, Ari. I'm not staying at Grimmauld. I'm meeting Remus in London tonight." Kissing my forehead once again, he nodded a farewell. "I'll be back soon."
Seeing him head towards the door a third time that night, was the 'last straw that broke the camel's back,' as some would put it. Watching as he neared the door, the tears fell in their fury; my already mending heart broke once again; the plummeting of the rain, crashing against the window, felt as if it were crashing down upon the shattered pieces of my heart. No more. I wouldn't- no- couldn't take it anymore. It's the final decision.
"The Order, or me?"
He turned around, seeing him raise a questioning brow. A quizzical look was plastered upon his face as he did so. Blinking as if he didn't hear correctly, he shook his head. "Excuse me?" He inquired.
"The Order, or me?" I repeated once again, a bit of courage now stringing to my words.
"A-Ari..." He began, striding back over to me, taking both of my hands in his. "Can we please, please, talk about this later?" A look of hope shone on his face, but I would make that look vanish.
"No." I stated plainly. "I want to know, Sirius. Would you choose the Order, or me?"
I knew it was risky. I knew I wouldn't be able to turn back after this. I knew... I knew. But I wanted to know whom he'd rather be with. Would he rather be with "The Order" or... me?
The frustrated sigh escaped from his lips once again. Running an agitated hand through his thick dark brown, nearly black locks, as I watched him slowly exhale. His hair fell gently over his eyes as I saw him take a step back towards me. I stood my ground, the fear of loosing him, of slipping away into despair, clung to my heavy heart. I felt it, just standing there, waiting; waiting for his next move, his next word. His lips parted slightly, and I saw him take in a bit of air, about to speak.
"Sirius! Open up!" A voice broke our gaze before Sirius could speak. It had come from the door. Something, or most likely someone owned that harsh knock. That voice. It seemed so... familiar.
"Do hurry, Sirius!" Another voice called over the thundering rain outside. "Tala and I are getting quite wet!" Tala? That means, the owner of the second voice was...
"Remus!" I heard Sirius hiss as he strode over to the doorway. Turning the knob, he peered through the crack in the doorway, murmuring something over to our friends.
"What did you do now, Black?" I heard Tala inquire in a somewhat angry way. Forcefully opening the door, along with the aid of Remus, the drenched figures stood in the doorway, barking insults at Sirius, as he just stood there, asking them to 'quiet it down' and to 'give him more time' to 'reason' with me. Reason with me? That little...
"Tala, Remus, OUT!" I screamed, outraged at the very thought of Sirius trying to 'reason' with me in this situation. With their eyes wide like a deer in headlights, I pushed them through the doorway, slamming the door in their faces. Ignoring the knocks, bangs and pleas, I glared daggers at Sirius, who just stood there, gawking at me.
"Erm, you know, Ari," I heard him mutter under his breath. "I really should get going. And they might get sick out there."
I hid my face in my hands, trying hard to choke back the threatening tears. "You'd rather be with the Order than me, huh?" I blubbered from behind them. I heard the voices from my friends behind the door, even through the thundering rain.
"Bloody sodden 'ell!" I heard Remus curse through the racket of the rain. "Don't undress now! That's meant for the house, Tala!"
"But-"I now heard Tala protest. "I have to take it off!"
"You're so wet! Good lord... No! That thin stays on!"
Sirius and I stared at each other for a moment. It seemed as if we thought the same thing. He and I made both our ways towards the doorway, making a grab for the brass knob. After fighting over who will open the door, I successfully opened it. To both his and my amazement, Tala stood next to Remus, her jacket from before placed over his shoulders, them, giving us puzzled looks.
"What?" They asked innocently, gazing back at us. Shaking my head and sighing at my own foolishness, I stepped back into the house. I could have sworn I heard Tala mutter something that sounded like, "I told you it would work," to Remus, but I brushed the feeling off.
Staring at Sirius once again, a look of determination plastered upon my face. He gazed back for a moment, but said nothing. Sighing, yet again, I stormed off towards my room, my friends at my heels. I slammed the door in their faces-WHAM! The sound echoed through my dark room. I ignored their calls and please to open the door. I didn't want them near me. No, not right now. I just... wanted to be alone, to think things through. I just... I just... want them to go away and leave me alone. Alone...
"GO AWAY!" I screamed harshly at the tightly shut door, but their obsessive bangs and pleas wouldn't stop. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled even louder. My throat hurt, to be blunt, but they wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop...
Sitting on my bed, my head in my hands, I wept, not wanting to hold the tears any longer. They just wouldn't understand. Why? Why? Make the banging stop... just... make everything go away. My head... it's throbbing so horridly. It...just make it all stop, please!
Everything was going dark so absolutely dark. I felt as if I was falling, falling into an endless abyss where none of my sorrow and pain would ever leave me. I could feel icy hands constrict about me, dragging me down farther, farther into the abyss. It was getting harder and harder to breath. I could still hear the rain though it was like thunder, pounding against the windowsill. Falling... falling down to who knows where. I felt lightheaded, as if I were dizzy.
So dizzy... The falling, I finally stopped. I don't know how or when, but, I stopped, but, I was still a bit dizzy. Something cold was placed on my forehead, something... wet. Was it... raining? Raining? Was I outside? No, I was too warm to be outside. Wait... warm? Why was I...?
My eyelids shot open; I stared up at my bedroom ceiling. Sitting up, the wet and cold thing I had felt, a washcloth, fell down onto my lap. Trying to suppress a surprised yelp, I picked up the dripping wet cloth and set it down on... the half filled bowl of water that was on my side table. Strange... I don't remember having it there last.
My ears perked up, hearing voices coming from the hall. As dizzy as I was, I pulled the comforter off my sweating forehead. Sweating? Well, I guess it's logical for one to sweat if you're under a comforter on such a warm night. But why was I? And... how? Did Sirius, Tala and Remus come in? But I don't remember them entering, all I could was... everything going black and... that's it.
Fighting off nausea and another urge to yelp as my feet touched the cool floor, I made my way towards the slightly ajar door. Leaning towards the crack, the voices were louder than ever, as if they were mere feet from the door.
"But, Sirius, are you sure?" That was, of course, the voice of Remus. Who else could it be?
"Yeah, Sirius, I mean, let's think this through, first," What was Tala talking about?
"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," What is he doing? What's going on? Ugh! My head hurts even more now!
"Sirius! Think! You have to go!"
"I can't! Not when the person I love is in there, sick! I'm sorry, you guys go on with out me..." Oh... Sirius. You don't have to.
I heard their footsteps come closer to the door. My heart felt as if it stopped. Ignoring the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I ran or more like toppled back over to my bed, throwing the comforter back on just in time. The hinges of the door creaked and groaned slightly as the footsteps belonging to my friends and loved ones came closer.
"Look at her guys, I can't just leave her here," I felt weight gain at the foot of my bed, someone, most likely Sirius, sat down, "You two go. I'll go next time."
"No, Sirius, you go with them," I was shocked that it had come from me. As I lay there, now staring up at the ceiling, I felt their confused gazes on me. Sighing, I sat up, eyes down cast, staring now at my bed covers.
"A-Ari, you should be rest-"I cut Sirius' words short.
"And you should be going with Remus and Tala to London," I slowly looked up at his concern filled face. I love him too much to let him just stay here. He needs to be free, and I could see it in his eyes. The longing for adventure, the need to be out there where danger lurked in every corner, where he could be caught and the chance he might not return. It was all there, I could see it; I needed to let him go.
I felt the hot tears trail slowly down my cheeks and as if on instinct, my hand reached up to wipe them. But, arms felt like lead and I could hardly raise them. I saw Sirius' eyes grow wide as my tears first fell and he caught them before they fell too far to be caught. The burning sensation from my cheeks and from my throat caused the tears to continue falling.
No... I couldn't allow this to happen. The more he stays near me, the more pain I'm giving him. No... I don't want him to be hurt. I need to set him free. I love him too much to keep him locked up in this home. I know I'm being selfish, I know, but if being selfish means I get to let him be happy, then I'd rather be selfish and live alone then let him stay here with me and be deprived of his happiness.
I pulled together what strength I had left to wrap my arms around his neck, one last time. Just one more is all I ask; one last embrace to satisfy me before I have to set him free. My lips trembled as I slowly pulled away but before I could his arms wrapped around me, returning the hug. Shakily, I exhaled. I had to do this. I had to let go once and for all.
"Sirius," I softly murmured into his ear. I could barely hear his reply his words were drowned by the clash of thunder and the pounding of the rain. But distinctly, over the racket of the storm outside I heard the door snap shut. Thank you Remus and Tala, for giving us a bit of privacy, it was going to be hard to tell him, but... I have to.
"Sirius," I began once more, pulling away so I could stare into his eyes. Those boyish eyes that always had a glint of adventure. How I'd miss gazing into them. "I... have to tell you something." My arms were still wrapped around his neck and it was when I tried to sit down properly on the bed did I notice. Embarrassed, I withdrew my arms, sitting correctly on the edge of the bed, back facing Sirius.
"What is it?" I heard him asked in a concerned voice. I don't blame him if was concerned, I would be too if I were in his shoes. I sighed heavily and turned to face him, about to speak when he spoke first. "Please don't tell me what I think you're about to tell me."
I raised my eyebrows in confusion. What is he talking about? Can it be? Does he know that I want him to leave and not come back? Did he see right through me? "Sirius, I'm sorry, I-"
"Oh god no," He interrupted once again. I saw him shake his head, and my heart ached to see him in such pain.
Maybe... maybe I shouldn't let him go-no! I've decided... I will and that's final! "Sirius, I'm sorry but I'm-"That man sure doesn't know that it's rude to interrupt people.
"Sorry? Why are you sorry, baby?" Baby? He-wait- what? I felt his arms wrap around me again, but I didn't return the hug. "Oh Ari, when did you realize it?"
Was he... happy that I was letting him go? That little... no, no! Mustn't get angry with him... yet at least. What was this man talking about? And... why was he so happy about it? "Just... now, I guess."
"Now?" He inquired, "but... shouldn't you go see a medi-wizard to make it official?" Official? What?
"What?"
"Oh never mind!" He hugged me once again, and it just caused me to get more confused. "I can't believe you're going to have a baby, Ari." And he planted a kiss upon my forehead.
A... Bay... baby? Wha...
"A baby?" I croaked out.
"ARI'S HAVING A BABY?!" Tala and Remus toppled back into the room. Apparently they were trying to listen in... the little sneaks. I'll get them one of thee days. "Ari! Sirius! Congratulations!" Tala was the first to snap back from shock between the two. Rushing over, she embraced me first, then Sirius. Remus, apparently still shocked, just sat there, staring wide- eyed at us. As soon as Tala helped him up, he eventually came to his senses. "Congratulations, Padfoot!" Patting his good friends back, Sirius just pulled him into a hug. Laughing, the two grown men just couldn't stop smiling. Wait... what am I saying? This isn't right... this was all wrong!
"Wait, wait, wait!" I felt their curious gazes on me an instantly my freckled cheeks burned a light shade of pink. "I think you guys have it wrong. I'm not pregnant. I needed to tell Sirius that.... I want him to... leave." I struggled to say the words clearly, and every syllable, every letter that escaped from my lips pierced my heart like a thousand arrows.
"Um, Tala, dear," I heard Remus softly murmur to his girlfriend. "I think we should-"
"No," She muttered, making her way towards the door. "I know we should." I heard the door squeak shut, and I knew they were gone, but it still felt a bit... stuffy in there. I knew they weren't listening in now. How, you may ask? Well, I know my friends, lets just put it.
"Why?" My lips had formed the word, but I never thought I'd actually ask him.
"Why what?"
"Why didn't you tell me that you wanted to... to be free?"
"Free? Ari!" He stepped forward, wrapping his strong arms around me once again. Normally I would have melted into the embrace, but I was hesitant. "What are you saying, love? Being with you, is everything I wanted in life."
I hate what he does to me. His very words always bring tears to my eyes. Why? Why does he torture me? He loves me, or so he claims. And I love him back... so why do I shed these tears?
"Baby, what's wrong?" He looked down at me with worried filled eyes and I couldn't help but cry harder. "Ari?" He knelt down on his knees and looked straight up at my crying eyes. A look of knowing crossed his features and I had nothing to do but step back away from him.
"I-I'm sorry, I just wanted you to be happy and here I am letting you go and I just-" What was he doing? How could he do that, now at all times! Damn him! Damn him to the seven bottomless... but his lips were so soft as they pressed against mine. I stared at his closed eyes, shocked, to be blunt once again.
I wanted to push away, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. His lips caressed mine, and it made my blood rush to my cheeks. It wasn't as if he'd never kissed me before, but there was something different to this one. It was just... different somehow. Whatever it was, it didn't really matter to me, because I was soon just melting into the kiss, and returned it.
His arms wound around my waist in a tighter grip than before, and yet I still didn't pull away. I blindly placed the palms of my hands on his shoulders, deepening the kiss still. One hand snaked up the small of my back and rested at the back of my neck. Damn him and his roaming hands...
"Sirius I..." I tried to stop it before it got any farther, but he still continued to savagely eat my lips. Oh the hell with it, part of me thought, just wanting to forget letting him go. But I have to, one side argued, and I just didn't know which side to choose.
My eyes snapped open as I felt him guide me back onto my bed, pinning me against it. No... now this was going to stop before I'd hate myself in the morning. I broke the kiss once again and glared up at his confused expression. I was letting this get way out of hand, and I knew that if I didn't tell him those three little words, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I know it would be a lie, saying that to the man I love, but everyone must make sacrifices. If I wanted him to be happy, then I'll sacrifice my own happiness and let him go. Let him be free to roam the lands whenever he wished. Free... to be who he wants to be. I don't want him to be locked up in this prison I've made him stay in. He needed to be let go a long time ago, and I blame myself for letting him go through all that. No... I am going to let him go.
"Sirius I... hate you." There, I said it. And sure, I've said it many times before when we were younger, but... I had never really meant it before. I still don't, and I never will...
A bolt of lightning flashed behind him from the window, illuminating my dimly lit chambers. And I saw it, even if it was just a brief moment. That look he gave out, it tore my heart in a thousand pieces. His jaw hung and his overcast optics were wide. Either in fear or in shock or maybe in betrayal... perhaps it was all three put together, and I don't blame him. I could tell his bottom lip was shaking and he looked as if he had seen James and Lily back at Godrick's Hollow those few months ago.
I turned my head away, closing my eyes, as not to see that expression. I was still pinned to the bed, so it was all I could do. I didn't want to see him like this; I didn't want to see that pained expression... no, not again. I never wanted to hurt him, but now... now, the one thing I promised I'd never do again...
My heart skipped a beat as something cool landed on my turned cheek. He was... crying? I heard him take in a quick breath and I turned to face him once again. His cheeks, I guessed that they were a rosy colored now. I didn't need light to see them, the tears, that is. I knew exactly where they were, for I was crying myself. My shoulders and lips quivered as I stared up at that tear stricken face.
I couldn't take it anymore!! I shut my eyes once again, not wanting to see the crystal like tears trail down his handsome face and drip down from his shaking chin, only to land down at my equally tear stained features. I just wanted all this drama to end. I wish... I wish I never had the idea to letting him go... but some wishes just don't come true.
It wasn't until I opened my eyes that I noticed that he was now on top of me, instead of over me, holding me tight against him. I stared up at the pale white ceiling, listening to his gentle sobbing against my ear. I wrapped my arms around him, trying to comfort him, but I knew it wasn't going to help matters much.
"Sirius, I'm-"
"It's okay," he breathed softly against my ear, "just... let me lie here in your arms for the night. Then, I'll go."
How could I refuse? There was nothing else I could do but just embrace him, and wait out the night till he'll leave the next day. Heh I bought this on myself. But... at least, he'll be happier.
So, lain there, wrapped in the other's arms, it felt... right, lying there with him. I hardly slept that night. I just watched over him, sleeping like a little child, so innocent. Before I had fallen asleep, I made a memory. I know it may sound stupid, but I'll always remember that my first true love smelled like peaches and wildflowers... over that mint after-shave, of course.
And while I slept, I hardly noticed that he had crept away in the dead of the night. He had gathered his things, left yet another note behind in his wake. My eyes fluttered open as the sound of my bedroom door hinges creaked. I could have sworn I heard the words, "I love you, my sweet girl," before he had closed my door slowly. As softly as he had shut it, it seemed for me like the slamming of an iron door. It echoed in my head and in my heart.
I'll never forget that lovable git. And may the heavens forsake me if for a moment I'd-
"MUM!"
I snapped back from my thoughts, blinking down at the small kitchen table set for breakfast, and the teenage female that set across from me. "Y-yes, Marissa?"
"I said," the blonde girl repeated softly, "'Can you, please pass the butter?'"
A sheepish grin appeared on my seemingly embarrassed features as I handed my daughter the plate that held the stick of butter. "There you go, sweetie," Sipping my mug of coffee contently, a smile played about my lips. "What were we talking about again, dear?"
"I said, we better hurry or I won't be able to go to Hogwarts this year!"
Hog... warts? Oh yes, Hogwarts! The school I met such wonderful friends and... that boy. What was his name again? Oh... never mind. "All right, dear. I'll clean this up, and you get your trunk ready."
"Yes, Mum." I watched as my nearly fifteen year old girl scurry out of the room. Humming to myself, I took out my wand from my jean pocket, and began my work of cleaning up the kitchen.
A/N: Tada!!!! What do you think? Good? Bad? Awesome? Excellent? Horrid? Dreadful? ... Something? Whelp, I'll just wait till you all review, in the mean time... I might as well start on the next chapter. I promise you all that I'll finish it... as soon as possible!! Mwahaaha! And If I don't get it up before... oh, say, the beginning of my school term, my homophobic hobos smite me!! And... before I depart, I must say that the writer's boulder that has blocked my creative juices from flowing, is getting on my nerves... heh, if any of you guys have any suggestions or any ideas for the fic, please, dun hesitate to inform me.