Title: She won't stay, but I Will. Part3
Author: StarCat (StarCat13 on FF.Net)
E-mail: Xphily2324@aol.com
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters, places, and events are not mine. Part of this
fic includes a rewrite of the first two episodes. These eps are not mine
and I'm not making money from this in anyway. Some dialogue taken from the
show but it's been mostly paraphrased. The show belongs to Joss Whedon (the
master!), UPN, and Mutant Enemy.
Feedback: Constructive criticism welcome. If you want to e-mail me away
from the list then just put 'Your Story' in the subject box. I have a
tendency to do rapid deleting.
Spoilers: Major spoilers for 'Welcome to the Hellmouth pt 1' and 'The
Harvest.'
Warnings: Slash, implied abuse
Pairings: Xander/Other, Eventually Xander/Spike
Author's Note: I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this out. Also, I
watched the first two episodes of Buffy and took notes but I mostly
paraphrased.
Summery: Anya leaves and Xander finds a new love. Just pre-slash for X/S so
far.
Thank You: To everyone that betaed for me or volunteered to beta but didn't
have the chance to get it back to me. I couldn't wait once I got it back.
Sorry. Thank you to: Cimmerdeux@yahoo.com, Damaged@fsmail.net,
maybeshedoes@yahoo.com, spikesvampslayer@hotmail.com,
queen_of_spades@yahoo.com (Clare), and anyone I've forgotten. You all kick
butt!
***@***
Xander's brow furrowed with puzzlement. He'd unconsciously been staring at Spike during Buffy's speech. When the vampire hadn't moved the first time Buffy talked to him, Xan just thought he was being stubborn. It took a couple of minutes to get him to stop spacing out though. It wasn't like the vamp not to listen to Buffy. Everyone knew he still had the hots for her. 'Oh well,' Xander thought, 'maybe he's moved on.' The look on Spike's face; it was the expression of someone remembering something sad. Xander thought it was most likely a woman. Women and torment seemed to go hand in hand, or maybe that was just Anya. He sighed and tried not to look at Spike as he and Buffy went out the door. The hurt in those blue eyes reminded Xander of his first love. The one person that had meant the most to him: Jesse. He never told anyone about them because there would be questions. He wasn't ready to face that. He didn't think he'd ever be. Xander tried to ignore the memories but couldn't stop them. He felt locked inside his head as he was forced by his own subconscious to relive a night that happened over six years ago.
***@*** #FlashBacK#
The time was almost midnight and it had been raining for hours. The water formed pond sized puddles everywhere. The rain soaked his clothes all the way through. It was cold but it felt good on his bruises and washed away his tears. Mud stuck to his bare feet and the boy carefully wiped them off on the walkway. Xander wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stop shivering, which was hard considering he was wearing only a T-shirt and khaki shorts. He walked up the path and around to the backyard. The window on the first floor was covered by a shade but light leaked out the sides. Jesse was still awake. Xander knocked on the glass softly. Jesse's head peeked around the curtains and his eyes widened upon seeing his best friend looking like a drowned rat. A very bruised rat with bloodshot eyes. The concerned sixteen-year-old opened the window to let Xander in. Jesse helped him in, closing and locking the entrance behind the brunette. Water dripped from Xander's hair and clothes and ran down his face. It pooled at his feet on the hard wood floor. Jesse quickly and quietly left the room and returned a few minutes later with towels. A white and red First aid kit in his right hand; he motioned for Xander to sit down on the chair in the corner. Jesse handed him a clean, dry T-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. The brown haired teen stripped to his boxers and put on the borrowed pants. Jesse winced when he saw the large welt on his cheek and the cut on his shoulder. He leaned down and carefully wiped the cut off and bandaged it. Jess gave Xander a look that said, 'again?' but it was concerned all the same. Usually on nights like that one, Jesse would pull the extra mattress out. This time though, Xan was freezing and still looked shook up. When Jess turned to get the mat out, Xander pulled him down on to the bed next to him. Jesse wrapped Xander up in blankets and held him close. The hurt teen sobbed in his friends embrace. Tears ran down his cheeks. Despite being upset, Xander felt safe, like no one could touch him. Jesse looked into Xan's eyes and whispered, "It's not your fault, Xan. You're all right now." He placed a small kiss on his lips. When his lips touched Jesse's, he'd shivered. While Xander was perplexed by his own reaction to the kiss, he was also very exhausted. Tangled up in each other, the two fell asleep. Many times Xander came to Jesse. Even when he wasn't hurt. He slept well for the first time in his life. They didn't kiss anymore but always fell asleep embracing each other. The two of them never discussed it outside of Jesse's room. Xander hadn't even told Willow, his other best friend. Several months went by and they still had each other.
***@***
One day, the evening before he would meet Buffy, an event happened that changed his life. School had dragged on as usual. He walked home with Jesse and their two other friends, Jason and Becky. Jason and Becky were fraternal twins and their family was moving away that afternoon. When the group reached the twin's house, Jesse apologized for not staying to help pack the last of the carry ons. Once no one was looking he took Xander's hand and mouthed the word later. The twins went ahead of them, entering the house. Before Jesse could go Xander pulled him into a chaste kiss. Jess brought his hand to Xander's face then pressed his forehead against his friend's. It was the first time they'd kissed since that night months ago. It was odd, different, but not bad. "I have something I want to say," Jesse said. Xander looked him in the eye and asked, "What's that?" "Well, I think I like you a lot," He whispered seriously while emphasizing the , "a lot." Xander didn't wait long to reply, " I like you a lot too. " He also emphasized "a lot." Both of them blushed and smiled The words "falling for you" weren't used but they were there all the same.
***@***
The next morning Xander decided to board to school. His parents were always too drunk to drive him and he lived too close for there to be a bus stop. He took comfort in the feeling of the wind in his hair. It felt like he was flying and he resisted the urge to close his eyes. The young man's stomach fluttered with happy butterflies at the thought of seeing Jesse. It was weird being with his best friend like this. He was confused about what this change meant for him. Was he gay? Should he join a support group or something? He shook his head at his own thoughts. Whatever happened, Xander wasn't confused about one thing. He knew how he felt, how he was always calm and safe when he was with Jesse. He was loved for the first in his life. Xander smiled at that as he weaved his board around the students milling about the campus. A blonde haired girl caught his attention. 'Huh must be new. I don't think I've seen her before.' He thought. Wham! His tendency to space out had caused him pain once again. He'd been so lost in thought that he hadn't paid attention to where he was going. The rail hit his stomach hard, or his stomach hit the bar. Whatever, all Xander knew is that he was suddenly looking up at Willow's face. "Willow! You're so very much the person that I wanted to see!" The rest of the morning passed quickly. He'd met the new girl, Buffy. He'd made a fool of himself and found that the girl must be weirder than him, carrying around a piece of wood. "All I can think is that you're building a really small fence," he had said. After lunch, though, things got interesting. While in the library, Xander heard Buffy and Mr. Giles talking.about vampires. They left the library and Xander walked out of the stacks. "What?" He asked the empty room in disbelief. 'These people are insane.' He thought. Pretending he was never there, Xander continued to class.
***@***
The Bronze was packed as usual. Xander could tell this even from the outside. He saw Buffy leaving in a hurry. He stopped her and asked her if she was leaving soon. Besides the fact that she was most likely crazy, she was nice and he wouldn't mind hanging out with her. She told him that Willow had left with a guy. 'Willow left with a guy?' He tried to comprehend this. He said it wasn't a problem unless the guy was a vampire. A very surprised and angry Buffy told him that she was serious. He took her for real. They made their way through the cemetery and to the crypt they'd seen Jesse go into. Two creatures stood inside with Willow and Jesse in the corner. They would have to be creatures because their faces were distorted and eyes shone yellow. Buffy distracted them and drove a stake into one of the creature's heart. Xander cringed and then gasped when the guy burst into dust. He grabbed Jesse's arm while Willow grasped the other. "It'll be okay. Your alright now," he whispered. Louder he said, "the police are right around the corner." Unfortunately so were more vampires. Everything became hazy as he was hit on the head. When he came to, Buffy and Willow were crouching over him. He told them the last thing he saw: the vampires taking Jesse. The rest of the night, or should he say morning, was a blur. He could remember vaguely talking to Buffy, Giles, and Willow but all he could think about was Jesse. He had to get him back but Buffy didn't think he could handle it. 'I'll do it,' he thought. He followed Buffy to the sewers and refused to return. There they found Jesse lying on the floor. He breathed a sigh of relief and hugged him tightly. 'Thank God!' His mind exclaimed. Jesse led them through passages and into a dead end. Xander turned to his friend and instead found demon. He wanted it to be a dream, all something too much pizza before bed had cooked up. It was true though; his best friend, who he wanted as boyfriend, was a vampire. He could only thrust the cross in his former friends face and help Buffy fight off the other vamps. They escaped through a vent and returned to the library. The musty smell was comforting to his queasy stomach. He wanted to yell and cry but all he did was kick the garbage bin in anger. It wasn't fair! They'd just told each other how they'd felt! Why now? Why Jesse?! It was too confusing. All he knew is that he'd have to save Jesse. There was always a way in the movies. He'd find the real cure.
***@***
The bronze's front doors were locked so they went to the back. "Let's get in there before Jesse does something stupider than usual," Xander complained impatiently. Giles turned and glared at him. "You have to remember. When you see your friend, it's not Jesse you're looking at but the thing that killed him." The door opened and the three of them rushed in and started filing people out. Then he saw Jess in the back. He was attacking Cordelia. Xander raised his stake and told Jesse not to make him do it. He was pressed back against the wall by his former friend instantly. "Go ahead you don't have the guts.uh." Jesse was pushed forward by a running girl.and right and to the stake. Xander didn't even have the chance to be shocked at Jesse turning to dust. Two more vampires grabbed him. They held Xander and didn't let go until Buffy gave them the evil eye. Luke was gone so they took off scared.
***@***
The air was cool and crisp. It helped to clear his dazed mind. He knocked on the glass softly. A head peeked around the shade and the door opened to him. He sat for a while next to Willow before he cried. "I killed him. I know I could have cured him. We could have made it work." "Shh. There was nothing you could do. He was already gone; you didn't kill him. You loved him and he knew that," she tried to remain strong but soon tears rolled down her cheeks as well. When he'd stopped sobbing, he talked. "Remember when the three of us went to the fair last year and he won the stuffed bear for you? He was so proud of himself. I'll never forget that." He said this in between little sniffs. He almost told Willow how much Jesse had really meant to him but he didn't have it in him to talk about it. The stayed up all night remember Jesse. All the good times but not the bad because the only bad thing about Jesse had happened yesterday. From then on he seemed to attach himself only to the men and women that he couldn't have or were not good for him. Either that or he messed it up. No matter what happened though, Jesse would always be in his heart.
***@***
"Xander? Are okay? You look a bit sad. Do you want to talk about it?" Giles said, snapping him out of his memories. Giles; it seemed only yesterday that he was the stiff old librarian. Now he was more like a friend. "No, I'm alright. Just doing some intense thinking. Not used to it." He smiled a little and Giles nodded. "Okay. If you do need to talk, I'm here." He replied. "Thank you."
***@*** After note: Once again, sorry this took so long to get out. Not that I think it was missed but, I hoped you liked it. They'll be more. Feedback welcome.
Xander's brow furrowed with puzzlement. He'd unconsciously been staring at Spike during Buffy's speech. When the vampire hadn't moved the first time Buffy talked to him, Xan just thought he was being stubborn. It took a couple of minutes to get him to stop spacing out though. It wasn't like the vamp not to listen to Buffy. Everyone knew he still had the hots for her. 'Oh well,' Xander thought, 'maybe he's moved on.' The look on Spike's face; it was the expression of someone remembering something sad. Xander thought it was most likely a woman. Women and torment seemed to go hand in hand, or maybe that was just Anya. He sighed and tried not to look at Spike as he and Buffy went out the door. The hurt in those blue eyes reminded Xander of his first love. The one person that had meant the most to him: Jesse. He never told anyone about them because there would be questions. He wasn't ready to face that. He didn't think he'd ever be. Xander tried to ignore the memories but couldn't stop them. He felt locked inside his head as he was forced by his own subconscious to relive a night that happened over six years ago.
***@*** #FlashBacK#
The time was almost midnight and it had been raining for hours. The water formed pond sized puddles everywhere. The rain soaked his clothes all the way through. It was cold but it felt good on his bruises and washed away his tears. Mud stuck to his bare feet and the boy carefully wiped them off on the walkway. Xander wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stop shivering, which was hard considering he was wearing only a T-shirt and khaki shorts. He walked up the path and around to the backyard. The window on the first floor was covered by a shade but light leaked out the sides. Jesse was still awake. Xander knocked on the glass softly. Jesse's head peeked around the curtains and his eyes widened upon seeing his best friend looking like a drowned rat. A very bruised rat with bloodshot eyes. The concerned sixteen-year-old opened the window to let Xander in. Jesse helped him in, closing and locking the entrance behind the brunette. Water dripped from Xander's hair and clothes and ran down his face. It pooled at his feet on the hard wood floor. Jesse quickly and quietly left the room and returned a few minutes later with towels. A white and red First aid kit in his right hand; he motioned for Xander to sit down on the chair in the corner. Jesse handed him a clean, dry T-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. The brown haired teen stripped to his boxers and put on the borrowed pants. Jesse winced when he saw the large welt on his cheek and the cut on his shoulder. He leaned down and carefully wiped the cut off and bandaged it. Jess gave Xander a look that said, 'again?' but it was concerned all the same. Usually on nights like that one, Jesse would pull the extra mattress out. This time though, Xan was freezing and still looked shook up. When Jess turned to get the mat out, Xander pulled him down on to the bed next to him. Jesse wrapped Xander up in blankets and held him close. The hurt teen sobbed in his friends embrace. Tears ran down his cheeks. Despite being upset, Xander felt safe, like no one could touch him. Jesse looked into Xan's eyes and whispered, "It's not your fault, Xan. You're all right now." He placed a small kiss on his lips. When his lips touched Jesse's, he'd shivered. While Xander was perplexed by his own reaction to the kiss, he was also very exhausted. Tangled up in each other, the two fell asleep. Many times Xander came to Jesse. Even when he wasn't hurt. He slept well for the first time in his life. They didn't kiss anymore but always fell asleep embracing each other. The two of them never discussed it outside of Jesse's room. Xander hadn't even told Willow, his other best friend. Several months went by and they still had each other.
***@***
One day, the evening before he would meet Buffy, an event happened that changed his life. School had dragged on as usual. He walked home with Jesse and their two other friends, Jason and Becky. Jason and Becky were fraternal twins and their family was moving away that afternoon. When the group reached the twin's house, Jesse apologized for not staying to help pack the last of the carry ons. Once no one was looking he took Xander's hand and mouthed the word later. The twins went ahead of them, entering the house. Before Jesse could go Xander pulled him into a chaste kiss. Jess brought his hand to Xander's face then pressed his forehead against his friend's. It was the first time they'd kissed since that night months ago. It was odd, different, but not bad. "I have something I want to say," Jesse said. Xander looked him in the eye and asked, "What's that?" "Well, I think I like you a lot," He whispered seriously while emphasizing the , "a lot." Xander didn't wait long to reply, " I like you a lot too. " He also emphasized "a lot." Both of them blushed and smiled The words "falling for you" weren't used but they were there all the same.
***@***
The next morning Xander decided to board to school. His parents were always too drunk to drive him and he lived too close for there to be a bus stop. He took comfort in the feeling of the wind in his hair. It felt like he was flying and he resisted the urge to close his eyes. The young man's stomach fluttered with happy butterflies at the thought of seeing Jesse. It was weird being with his best friend like this. He was confused about what this change meant for him. Was he gay? Should he join a support group or something? He shook his head at his own thoughts. Whatever happened, Xander wasn't confused about one thing. He knew how he felt, how he was always calm and safe when he was with Jesse. He was loved for the first in his life. Xander smiled at that as he weaved his board around the students milling about the campus. A blonde haired girl caught his attention. 'Huh must be new. I don't think I've seen her before.' He thought. Wham! His tendency to space out had caused him pain once again. He'd been so lost in thought that he hadn't paid attention to where he was going. The rail hit his stomach hard, or his stomach hit the bar. Whatever, all Xander knew is that he was suddenly looking up at Willow's face. "Willow! You're so very much the person that I wanted to see!" The rest of the morning passed quickly. He'd met the new girl, Buffy. He'd made a fool of himself and found that the girl must be weirder than him, carrying around a piece of wood. "All I can think is that you're building a really small fence," he had said. After lunch, though, things got interesting. While in the library, Xander heard Buffy and Mr. Giles talking.about vampires. They left the library and Xander walked out of the stacks. "What?" He asked the empty room in disbelief. 'These people are insane.' He thought. Pretending he was never there, Xander continued to class.
***@***
The Bronze was packed as usual. Xander could tell this even from the outside. He saw Buffy leaving in a hurry. He stopped her and asked her if she was leaving soon. Besides the fact that she was most likely crazy, she was nice and he wouldn't mind hanging out with her. She told him that Willow had left with a guy. 'Willow left with a guy?' He tried to comprehend this. He said it wasn't a problem unless the guy was a vampire. A very surprised and angry Buffy told him that she was serious. He took her for real. They made their way through the cemetery and to the crypt they'd seen Jesse go into. Two creatures stood inside with Willow and Jesse in the corner. They would have to be creatures because their faces were distorted and eyes shone yellow. Buffy distracted them and drove a stake into one of the creature's heart. Xander cringed and then gasped when the guy burst into dust. He grabbed Jesse's arm while Willow grasped the other. "It'll be okay. Your alright now," he whispered. Louder he said, "the police are right around the corner." Unfortunately so were more vampires. Everything became hazy as he was hit on the head. When he came to, Buffy and Willow were crouching over him. He told them the last thing he saw: the vampires taking Jesse. The rest of the night, or should he say morning, was a blur. He could remember vaguely talking to Buffy, Giles, and Willow but all he could think about was Jesse. He had to get him back but Buffy didn't think he could handle it. 'I'll do it,' he thought. He followed Buffy to the sewers and refused to return. There they found Jesse lying on the floor. He breathed a sigh of relief and hugged him tightly. 'Thank God!' His mind exclaimed. Jesse led them through passages and into a dead end. Xander turned to his friend and instead found demon. He wanted it to be a dream, all something too much pizza before bed had cooked up. It was true though; his best friend, who he wanted as boyfriend, was a vampire. He could only thrust the cross in his former friends face and help Buffy fight off the other vamps. They escaped through a vent and returned to the library. The musty smell was comforting to his queasy stomach. He wanted to yell and cry but all he did was kick the garbage bin in anger. It wasn't fair! They'd just told each other how they'd felt! Why now? Why Jesse?! It was too confusing. All he knew is that he'd have to save Jesse. There was always a way in the movies. He'd find the real cure.
***@***
The bronze's front doors were locked so they went to the back. "Let's get in there before Jesse does something stupider than usual," Xander complained impatiently. Giles turned and glared at him. "You have to remember. When you see your friend, it's not Jesse you're looking at but the thing that killed him." The door opened and the three of them rushed in and started filing people out. Then he saw Jess in the back. He was attacking Cordelia. Xander raised his stake and told Jesse not to make him do it. He was pressed back against the wall by his former friend instantly. "Go ahead you don't have the guts.uh." Jesse was pushed forward by a running girl.and right and to the stake. Xander didn't even have the chance to be shocked at Jesse turning to dust. Two more vampires grabbed him. They held Xander and didn't let go until Buffy gave them the evil eye. Luke was gone so they took off scared.
***@***
The air was cool and crisp. It helped to clear his dazed mind. He knocked on the glass softly. A head peeked around the shade and the door opened to him. He sat for a while next to Willow before he cried. "I killed him. I know I could have cured him. We could have made it work." "Shh. There was nothing you could do. He was already gone; you didn't kill him. You loved him and he knew that," she tried to remain strong but soon tears rolled down her cheeks as well. When he'd stopped sobbing, he talked. "Remember when the three of us went to the fair last year and he won the stuffed bear for you? He was so proud of himself. I'll never forget that." He said this in between little sniffs. He almost told Willow how much Jesse had really meant to him but he didn't have it in him to talk about it. The stayed up all night remember Jesse. All the good times but not the bad because the only bad thing about Jesse had happened yesterday. From then on he seemed to attach himself only to the men and women that he couldn't have or were not good for him. Either that or he messed it up. No matter what happened though, Jesse would always be in his heart.
***@***
"Xander? Are okay? You look a bit sad. Do you want to talk about it?" Giles said, snapping him out of his memories. Giles; it seemed only yesterday that he was the stiff old librarian. Now he was more like a friend. "No, I'm alright. Just doing some intense thinking. Not used to it." He smiled a little and Giles nodded. "Okay. If you do need to talk, I'm here." He replied. "Thank you."
***@*** After note: Once again, sorry this took so long to get out. Not that I think it was missed but, I hoped you liked it. They'll be more. Feedback welcome.