4. Loves Strength.
T: this chapter was longer than I recalled and thus has been delayed due to work…off in a week so can hopefully get at least the last chapter up on time. I do not own this fandom apart from in the deep reassesses of my head, but I'm taller and thinner in there so its not really on this side of reality! We are heading into the realm of the quest now so there is angst and more slashy slash on the horizon.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
'Of course I couldn't act on it, wouldn't. Frodo had asked to be my friend and thus a friend I would be, friend and servant, there always when the times turned sour.
'And time moved on with steady certainty, each year seeing the growth of yourselves, Merry, Pippin, both in heart and in head and indeed in my own growth also. Soon enough came the year that would see so many changes, most of which were negative, but one that will never be as such in my eyes. That was of course the year 1401, the year of Bilbo's great party and great disappearance.
'I'd been invited but my work kept me away until fairly well near the end, though I was there to witness the speech and what occurred afterwards. T'weren't no real shock, for Frodo had been saying for a while that Mr. Bilbo was talking of going, yet it hurt. For he'd not said goodbye to anyone of us, just assumed we knew he'd wish to say it to us and left it at that. At the time Frodo seemed less hurt than I felt and that placed doubt and suspicion in my head. For they'd been as close kin to one another and such a disappearance without specific concern for him would have hurt.
'He was being strong for the others of course, that and he was a little shocked, for he'd not believed despite the signs. He remained calm and polite to the guests until he returned with a head ache, I wanted to go after him but I had to stay an hour for my father's sake. An hour for Gandalf to voice his concerns and then leave in search of that slimy thing. An hour for Frodo to fall in on himself.
'When I eventually got up to Bag End it was dark and the fires had been snuffed out long enough so that a chill was sneaking in. Of course Frodo might have chosen to retire early, but something in my gut told me this was not the case. I wanted to let him know he was there, that I'd light the fires again and we'd talk over the evening but the words stilled in my tongue as I heard him crying.
'That sound stung at me, for I felt that by delaying I'd betrayed him and failed to keep him safe as I had promised myself. Yet I searched out the source of the sound despite the guilt and found him in the Master Bedroom curled about the sheets.
"Frodo?" I enquired and he started before he lifted his head and hitching in a breath stopped his tears as best as he might.
"Please just let me be, Samwise."
"No." I replied as I set to his side and without thinking raised a hand to wipe those tears away.
"The house is cold and so are you, sir. Let me get the fires burning again and warm you both up." I said as I dropped my hand and walked back out into the living room. The sound of his feet a moment after that warmed away a little of my fear and once he was hunched before the fireplace with a wan smile on his face, that little remainder faded away.
"You will forgive me for seeming so out of control, Sam, but I had hoped you would ignore that kind heart of yours just this once. Hoped that you would see that I was being a little foolish. I knew this was coming after all, it is just he did not properly say goodbye and I had believed he thought the best of me out of all of his relatives."
"He did, sir. He thought of you as his son and you of him as your father."
"Yes. Yes that is true." And that smile grew into something brittle and unnatural upon his face and I knew he was trying to cover over his pain for my sake. I did not much care for that and I set a hand again un-thought to his face and said,
"T'is natural to grieve, Frodo and I do not want you to think otherwise." He looked at me with an astonished wonder and then his voice brought low into a beautiful melody that I would come to know so very well.
"That is the very first time that you have used my name without a 'sir' of 'Mr.' Attached onto the beginning." And then he lent a little towards me and set his hand against my own. " I had begun to think that you wanted only a Master from me, that you watched and protected me for my status. You are everything to me, Samwise Gamgee and I had begun to fear that I would lose that, just as I have now lost Bilbo."
"I will never leave you, Frodo, not unless you ask me to." And those words seemed to be what he was waiting for, for the next moment I felt the pressure of his lips upon mine
'Of course I had wanted something such as this for a great while now and I pulled him as close as I could, revelling in the increase of my heart rate and in this new feeling.
'Hopefully I do not miss my guess that you two cunning lads will have known that Frodo and I were together as such and that you were more than a little pleased for us taking that next step. If not then this will be surprise to you, though I hope it is a pleasant one.
'The beginning of out love came at the very beginning of the shadow of our life and it was inevitable that things would eventually end as they have. Back then, of course, I hoped that I would never have to make good my own promise to leave him if he asked it of me. Believed that I would be always at his side loving and protecting. And for a time that was true, that time highlighted in memories of stolen kisses and hidden touches.
'Soon enough he began to ask that I come live with him and always I would tell him "Not yet, love" and that "Me Gaffer needs me for the moment" and those refusals hurt him, for he could not understand why I was saying no, not when I told him all the time how I hated being away from him. I don't think I understood either, not then at least, now looking back I can see that I was saying no because I knew deep in my heart that it would not last forever, that soon enough we would have to leave again and that if we were together it would make everything harder somehow.
'A great deal happened within the eighteen years between Bilbo's departure and our own. I came of age and that was the greatest of nights for me, though as to why…I believe even an old Hobbit is allowed his secrets. Two years after that it was your turn, Merry, and though I am sure your parents had wish for you to celebrate such an occasion with then, you insisted that you were having your party at Bag End or not at all.
'Your reasoned that you wished to see only your friends and not the many relations that would come if he held the party in the confines of the Hall. We knew, or at least I suspect that it was rather that you did not wish the reminder that soon enough all the responsibility of the position of Master would be yours to bear. For you talked of little else that evening and you became so un-Merry that even Pippin's off camber jokes and cheeky smile could not cheer you up.
'Of your own coming of age, Pippin, I recall little, for it happened while I was loosing my battle to keep Frodo and I had no wish to be Merry or to think of mortality.
'The very first time I saw Frodo truly ill was after the bight of the witch king's blade and I was so afraid of losing him that I would not move from his side once the threat of the Nazgul had been removed. Would not move despite how unnerving it felt to be there alone in his little room within Rivendale, for the room felt so empty when there were no voices filling it. No laughter to bring out its beauty.
'The Quest itself was hardship for us both and I retained my strength only through my love for Frodo and the memory of the Shire behind me. Our little green paradise, to which we could return when it was all over.
'It was my love that was tested the most, for as the Ring gained a grip on him he began to push at me, began to hurt with words and then fists. Yet I held still, knowing well enough that he did not wish me gone, knowing through the light in my heart and the answer of it in his eyes.
'Ilthilien was the last I saw that light, the last I knew without doubt that he loved me as I loved him. After that… yet again I get ahead of myself and you do not know the whole story, for Frodo chose not to tell everything, to keep a little of the memories between us. I give you the rest now because…well the reasoning can come later, for now I shall return to the tail.
'We'd set up camp just within the border of the land and I'd sent the Stinker off on the scout for food. The sun was just on the rise and there was a light to Frodo that I recalled well from the time in Rivendale, the light of health, healing and the agelessness of my love for him. I mumbled to myself about the fact and Frodo smiled, his eyes sliding open as he said,
"I do believe you thought me asleep, Sam, for you would never say such things to me while I am awake now." The words were melancholy despite the smile and resting a hand to his forehead I replied,
"You will forgive me if that has been the case of late, Frodo, love, for I've no wish nor want to push you away. I'm just fearful for the future."
"You are thinking too far ahead, Sam, for there may not yet be a future for either of us. Yet there is today and that is enough for me because you are here." And he lifted his hand to catch my own and his love was so clear in his eyes that it placed a smile to my lips. Gollum came back not long after that and my hate for that thing stopped any hope of further discussion. Then came the chaos of the fire and Faramir finding our little hole. Of course I was glad to be short of Gollum and even more shocked to see an Oliphant, though I'm still half sure that I dreamt it, for I was weighted by sleep at the time.
'Once we'd done with the blindfolds and the questions, Faramir let us be. I was just drifting off to sleep when Frodo's voice called me back into full alertness and stepping out of my own bed I came to stand beside his.
"Frodo?" I enquired, my voice barely above a whisper for fear of listening ears.
"Then you are awake. I had thought that after remaining up earlier you would be lost by now."
"And I believed that you'd talked yourself into exhaustion." I replied and in the faint light of the moon I saw him smile.
"As did I, but I wished to take the chance to talk to you without Gollum worrying your mind." And he tapped the empty space at his side. I complied willingly, my arms recalling well the feel of him and my body taking his warmth as if it was starved for it.
"What did you want to say, love?"
"That I am sorry that this had to happen to us, Sam, sorry that you have been forced to leave your beloved Shire."
"Nonsense, Frodo. I would do it all again even if I knew for certain it ment what it had done, wondering through barren lands and that creeping thing edging between us. As for the shire I have it right here…" I said as I pressed my face into the small of his back, breathing deep and recalling green fields and happier times all through his scent. "As long as you live, Frodo, I will have everything I need to be happy."
"What if part of me dies once It has been destroyed, love? Will you still be happy then?"
"No, for I couldn't bare to see you only half there. I would toil until you were yourself again or until I found a cure."
"Such selflessness, Sam, but what would you do if there were no cure? Or if I ceased to love you?"
"I would still love you, Frodo, for it is as a part of me now and as to their being no cure… You have said yourself already that we should not look too far into the future. For all you might once be one and whole once It is gone."
"Perhaps." He said as he turned and set his forehead against my own. "You are my life now, Samwise and even if I were to die it would not matter as long as you lived on as happy as you could be with my life lost to you."
"You will not die. You can not die." I said, so fearful even at the thought of it. He just shook his head and closed the distance between us.
'I left him once he was asleep again, having no wish for Faramir to find us like that and tried to sleep, his words clear in my head. After Gollum sprang his trap and I'd sent Shelob back where she'd come from…and…
'And I was faced with Frodo…dead…I wondered how he'd know, why I'd let myself walk into what I'd been sure was a trap. He was so very cold and all I could think of for so long was lying down beside him, then his words caught up with me again. Then I knew I had to move on, had to take up, the task and live for his sake.
'Would you be ashamed of me if I told you I was more than a little relived when I learned that he lived? Not because I had wanted it with all my soul, because loosing him was as loosing a bit of himself. But because he could take up the burden and the responsibility again. It made me feel terrible when I thought on it later, that I had wish for him to be back in danger, back in the Lure of It.
'That's why I hesitated first off, wishing to keep him free of It, wanting him to bare me as I had born him. Then he demanded it of me and I could not refuse, not when I was suddenly faced with Gollum where once Frodo had been. He apologised once he had it back, of course, but I knew then that his fear had been well founded. That the Thing would take away all of him before he was rid of it at last.
'That's when I decided I would do whatever it took to rid him of It, even taking it from him at the last, and throwing myself in with It.
'The last I was sure it was Frodo, my dear slightly absent minded Frodo, that I was journeying with, was not, despite what you might have been lead to believe through my words, that moment in the tower. No, I lost Frodo on the dawn of the Final Push. For he had faded away into a hard determination that scared me enough to fade into such a characteristic also. My offer to take up his burden and himself, therefore, was not made through care (Though that was indeed a part of it) but through wish to do as was expected of me, to do what was best for Frodo.
'When It was lost at last and Gollum with It I hoped to look at him and see that I had been right, that he existed still.
'There at the end of all things he was indeed Frodo, but parts of him were gone and he was trying to hard to hide that fact, pretending for my sake. But I knew in my heart that he was not the same, that he was nothing more than a finely balanced tower of stones waiting to tumble.
'He knew that also, knew that he had little choice left now but to endure for as long as he could. As I slept in the safety our bed in Cormallen he said his goodbye and though I was deep in the memory of better times I felt him kiss me and knew what it ment.
'Of course the sadness was buried deep within me, for he said nothing openly and I did not wish to dwell on something I might have dreamt and when I had you two to distract my mind. For I could see you had had your own adventure and that something dire had occurred, for there was a look in Merry's eyes that I recognised well, a look of having aloud his most precious of things to become tainted into something unlike what it once had been. A look I comprehended once we had heard all of your tail and I too feared a little for the change the Palantír had placed onto Pippin, fear that I soon found had no grounding, for when the silence came he placed an arm about Merry's shoulder and said,
"But we are together again despite the shadow, so let us use that thought to lift our hearts shall we?" he enquired and we all smiled, though I am sure you both noted how empty Frodo's smile seemed.
'Once we had witness the marriage and we were on the road again I began thinking about the future, about the choices ahead. Had I known that things would go as they did, they mayhap I wouldn't have been so eager to go home. As it was the only hint I had that the Shadow was pressing still on Frodo's shoulder was that odd moment as we crossed the shadow of Weathertop.
'Seeing the Shire cut down and destroyed was a blow to us all, for each little blade of grass and each flower held meaning to us all. It put heat in my blood and I fought back in revenge, anger and hate. It was a side of myself I had kept well free of Frodo's eyes and in the state he was now it made him fear me, made him retract a little from my company.
'That was why I knew nothing of his pain that year and why he kept me at arms length. That time at a distance gave me chance to learn to know Rose and see the brightness of the heart beneath her chest. She cared for me, that I had known from the first when I came back and I had told her that I cared for Frodo in turn, told her that there was no real tearing us apart any more.
'She smiled at that and told me that she knew that, knew and did not care, for my heart was large enough to share if I would allow it. How could I not with such a sweet enquiry? And thus I wed her not long after that and together we moved into Bag End.
'The first few nights there I slept in Frodo's bed, simply holding close to his sleeping form and recalling Ilthilien. Of course he did not know I was there, for I came to him once he had drifted off and left before the dawn. For I knew he had let me go, knew and did not wish to truly accept. Not when I felt his life was mine also.
"The very last time I crossed over the threshold of his bedroom was to say goodbye, just as he had in the dappled shade of Cormallen. I'd finally accepted what it was I had to do, I loved him and to prove that love I would let him go. I wept over the pain in my heart and as he held me for the last time on the edge of the sea I told him,
"The best way to prove your love is to let go, Frodo. It hurts, yes, but I have Rose now and my little Elanor." And he smiled, that bright smile he used only for me and then he left."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
T: The moment in Cormallen is inspired by the picture please wake up which is by Talisha and can be found in the yahoo group hobbitslash should you wish to see it. Only one more chapter left and as a warning it is dark again, very much so in fact.
RR I will not change anything but I may give praise next chapter!