Author's Note: I'm so sorry for not updating sooner. Hopefully, you guys can forgive the delay!!!
To be honest, I only typed out the earlier chapters you've read and now that they're all posted, I have to actually sit down and type the rest. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. The scenes are simply not coming out in chronological order. Instead I find myself skipping ahead, literally jumping all over the place, typing scenes that are fun, or simply fresh in my mind. Apparently, sticking to my original plotline only served to dry up my creative juices. So, I've decided on a different approach. The remaining half of this story will not be chronological. In other words, events will not flow from one to the next, although the general scheme of things will still be in the 'forward' direction.
In any case, I bring you the next chapter. I really enjoyed writing this one and hopefully you'll enjoy reading it too.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
It wasn't everyday that Naruto woke up to a nagging sense of dread. This feeling continued to plague him throughout the morning, disrupting his normal routine and irking him beyond belief. So, naturally, by noon he was a nervous wreck. Fortunately for Naruto, it was a Saturday and that meant he was spared from training. He wouldn't have been able to focus anyways, especially not with this feeling of trepidation occupying his every waking moment.
However, being the optimist that he was, Naruto refused to let anxiety dampen his spirits. So, in an effort to quench his panic, he resorted to the one thing that'd always lifted his spirit before: ramen. Sadly, the disconcerting feeling remained despite his full stomach and with it a mind- numbing fear.
Just when he thought his nervousness couldn't get any worse, the doorbell rang shrilly, grating on Naruto's fragile nerves. Creeping quietly towards the door, Naruto cautiously looked through the peep-hole. He exhaled a sigh of relief when he saw it was only Iruka standing on his doorstep. As he was about to ease the door open, it suddenly swung forward and smacked him in the face. He stumbled backwards and landed hard on the floor.
Despite the ringing in his ears, Naruto could still make out Iruka's shocked gasp.
"God, Iruka! Distort my face why don't you!"
"I'm so sor..." Iruka attempted to apologize, but he was silenced by a lethargic voice, one which Naruto recognized all too well. Only one person could sound so miserably drunk and yet coherent at the same time: Kakashi.
"Please, Iruka, you can apologize later. Right now we need to get her back to headquarters (AKA: the Hokage's mansion)."
That said, the tall jounin kneeled down by the blonde and hoisted him onto his shoulder. Naruto screeched indignantly as he found himself lifted off the ground, but Kakashi paid him no heed. Instead, he simply tucked an arm securely under the boy's knees and leaped off the stairs in one fluid movement.
"Kakashi, do you think that's necessary?" whispered a worried Iruka, running to catch up with his comrade's longer stride.
"Of course it is, Iruka. Wouldn't want Naru to faint along the way, now would you? She did just suffer an intense blow to the head. I'm sure permanent facial disfigurement is traumatizing enough."
"Kakashi, put me down this minute, you over-grown, egotistic, chauvinistic..."
"My goodness, Naruto, I'm quite impressed. Never knew you had such a rich vocabulary."
In truth, Kakashi had no intention of putting his student down. The soft body struggling furiously against him was simply too tempting.
"masochistic, sadistic..."
"Charming, isn't she?" Kakashi murmured to a gawking old woman as he rounded the corner, heading straight for the village square.
"Kakashi, wouldn't it be easier to just teleport ourselves there? The Hokage did say to practice the utmost discretion. I don't think a public drag-through fits that description."
"Don't be such a spoil-sport, Iruka. No one will notice us...much."
With that, Kakashi strolled right to the village fountain. There he paused dramatically before reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a shiny gold coin. With one hand stretched over the fountain's watery depths and a flailing beauty perched on his shoulder, Kakashi did appear quite the dashing hero.
"Make a wish, Naru," he mocked as the raging boy continued to squirm frantically.
"You want a wish? I'll give you a wish. I wish you would just shove that flashing coin up your cellulite-covered a...mmff, mmff..."
But Iruka, the ever proper prude, clamped a hand over the boy's mouth and silenced him before he could finish the sentence.
"That isn't how a lady should speak, Naru-chan," Kakashi chided with a smirk.
At these words, Naruto bit down violently on Iruka's hand, causing the poor chuunin to scream out in pain.
"I'm not a lady!" he hollered loudly the moment his mouth was freed.
So predictable, thought Kakashi with a grin. Naruto's indignant scream had captured the attention of the crowded square, just as he knew it would.
"Quite right, quite right...much too unrefined to be a lady. This body, however, is a different story all too together," Kakashi drawled teasingly as he slapped Naruto's ample rump for emphasis.
He observed with no small amount of pleasure the jealous faces of the male villagers.
"You...You bastard! I'm going to kill you! I'm going to make shish kabobs out of your family jewels, roast them over a fire, then force-feed them down your throat!"
The entire square became deadly quiet. Except for Iruka's occasional moans and the blonde's heavy panting, not a single sound was heard. Kakashi smiled, noting with increasing mirth the grimaces adorning the men's faces. Apparently, Naruto's words had left a lasting impression.
This was definitely turning out to be the best day of his life. No, the best day of his life would be the day Naru-chan fell into his arms, declaring her undying love. No, no, wrong again. That would be the best night of his life.
Kakashi grinned deviously at an ashen-faced Iruka and grabbed his hand.
"Time for the grand exit," he murmured. Then facing the villagers he gave them a two-finger salute and winked sexily.
"Ja, ne."
The shocked crowd was left to stare at a large cloud of smoke where the three had once stood.
Good Cop, Bad Cop
So, after being smacked in the face, manhandled by his sensei and publicly groped, Naruto found himself once again in the Hokage's office. He'd been there for a quarter of an hour and during this entire time only one sentence had left the Hokage's lips. Naruto found he could not speak. He could only stare at the stern faces before him. He couldn't believe what the old fool had just ordered him to do. It was absolutely outrageous!
"What? What do you mean I have to go back to school? That's crazy! I've already passed the exam. I'm done with the Academy!" Naruto hollered.
"Not exactly..." Iruka replied guiltily.
"What do you mean? I passed every course!"
"Barely," countered Kakashi, slamming a thick folder down on the Hokage's oak desk.
This done, he proceeded to maneuver himself behind the table, so as it stood between him and the obviously 'ticked' blonde. He would never admit it, but the kitsune's menacing glare unsettled him greatly. Or perhaps it was the memory of Naruto's latest 'gift' to him that made Kakashi wary.
The moment they'd landed at the Hokage's mansion, Naruto had graced him with the same gift he'd bestowed Iruka. The only difference lied in his place of bestowment. Kakashi now bared the marks of an evil 'vampire attack' on his neck. The little imp had been fully intent on ripping out his arteries or, at the very least, on breaking his skin. And break skin he did. Unfortunately, Kakashi had a secret fetish for hickeys and there was no denying that this was one hell of a 'love bite'. So, rather than deterring the big oaf, the bite had only piqued his interest even more.
As Kakashi gingerly brushed his 'wound', his respect for the girl rose. She was the only one in the last six years to make him bleed and this, although very disturbing on some levels, was also quite exciting. To think, him, Hatake Kakashi subdued by a blood-thirsty teenager. Then again, he'd always liked his women feisty. It would only make the process of taming her all the more entertaining. However, there would be a time and place for that later. Right now duty awaited.
"Do you know what this is, Naruto?" he asked, pointing to the folder. "It's your education profile. Actually, I'm ashamed to even call it that. There's nothing remotely educational in this mess. All I see is a list of your absences, your minimal scores on tests, and let's not forget your infamous pranks."
Iruka noted that Naruto had the decency to look slightly ashamed at this. He felt sorry for the boy. School had never been one of his strong points. It wasn't that Naruto was slow. In fact, when given the proper motivation, he was quite the quick learner. Unfortunately, motivation was the key word.
Flipping the folder open, Kakashi withdrew a snapshot of a smirking Naruto sitting on an oversized dummy. The dummy was positioned on all four with its behind facing the camera. Despite its distorted limbs, there was no mistaking its cunning resemblance to the honorable Hokage. Then again, it simply could've been the words: "Honorable Hokage" scrawled over one of the mannequin's butt cheek that gave this away.
Kakashi smirked when he noted that the other butt cheek had not gone unscathed. Naruto had artistically sprayed-painted it a rosy hue. To top this off, the notorious trouble-maker himself sat perched on the Hokage's bare posterior, a spank paddle held firmly in his hands.
The blonde had enlarged the photo and tacked hundreds upon hundreds of duplicates all across the village. How he'd managed to do so in the course of one night, no one would ever know. But by morning of the next day the village of Konoha had awoken to a most shocking sight.
Needless to say, the Hokage had been outraged. Kakashi and several other top jounins had been called in for the sole purpose of removing the offending pictures. The task had taken the entire day, mainly because they'd laughed more than worked. Kakashi had secretly kept a photo for himself. In truth, all the jounins and every villager had a copy of the picture. Because, as it turned out, Naruto had been very thorough with his distribution, slipping copies in people's mailboxes and under their doors. Even till this day, photos were still popping up in the oddest of places. It seemed this was one prank the Hokage could never live down.
Kakashi's walk down memory lane was abruptly put to an end when the Hokage yanked the picture out of his hand. Seeing how easily distracted Kakashi was, the Hokage decided to do the explaining himself.
Turning to Naruto, he said: "Here's the deal: you attend a course, just one, and pass it. You do this and you'll never have to see the inside of the Academy ever again. If you refuse this offer, you'll have to repeat your entire gennin schooling...all five years of it. So, what is it going to be?"
Naruto gasped at the injustice of this, but after much hesitation finally grumbled: "What's the course?"
The Hokage smiled and began to explain.
"Every female ninja in our village must undergo a strict interdisciplinary course along with her regular training. From the ages of six to seventeen she is taught the etiquettes of being a lady. Basically, all the skills and necessities required of a social elitist. There are seven arts which she must master: arranging flowers, reciting poetry, playing a musical instrument, singing, dancing, painting, and last but not least seduction."
"In other words, you want me to become a spoilt, self-indulging, butt- kissing snob?"
"That's the goal," Hokage replied, nodding sagely.
"May I ask why? We're a ninja village, not a center for bimbo's anonymous."
"Naruto, many of our clients are of the gentry, not to mention a number of our missions involve infiltrating the network of the rich and mighty. Therefore, it's crucial that our spies can blend in both mentally and physically...hence the existence of this course."
"So, this is actually a spy course?" Naruto asked, his eyes lighting up.
"Yes," said the Hokage with a smile.
"But, I'm already thirteen," Naruto pointed out. "Isn't it too late..."
"It's never too late, Naruto. You'll be taking a six-month crash course with one of our highly-trained instructors. By the end of the six months, you'll have learned the basics well enough to join the other girls in their regular studies."
Naruto had to admit that six months sounded horrible, but it was definitely better than five years.
"What of my regular missions and training with team seven?"
"You'll maintain them along side this extra course. Your new lessons will take place during the weekends. Therefore, don't worry about them interfering with your regular duties."
Great, I may as well be working seven days a week. Just great. Naruto thought bitterly. Unfortunately, he couldn't see any way out of the horrible ordeal. The alternative was far too terrifying. God, as much as he loved Iruka, five more years under his teaching...he didn't think he could last that long. He could, however, manage six months with the chuunin.
"I guess you're stuck with me until May, Iruka."
"Ummm...Naruto, I won't be the one teaching you."
"If you're not, then who is?"
"I thought you'd never ask," said Kakashi as he stepped over to a side door.
As the side door slid open, the sharp outline of a tall and imposing woman stood starkly against the white backdrop. From where he kneeled, Naruto could make out her swaying hips and the voluptuous size of her breasts. Perhaps personal training with this instructor wasn't such a bad idea after all.
However, this thought left him the moment said instructor crossed the threshold and stepped into the light. Despite the heavy white powder obscuring the facial features, the voluminous hair, and the ever prominent breasts there was no mistaking this...this thing for a woman. Calling 'it' as such would only demean the word.
"Naruto, I would like you to meet your new sensei, Madame Butterfly."
Naruto could only snort. Madame, indeed!
"Look, gurl, I ain't got time for small talk. I'm gonna train ya, and I'm gonna train ya good. So if ya don't show me a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I'm gonna whoop ya scrawny, yellow ass so hard ya gonna wish ya never messed with Butterfly. Ya got that?"
This was finished off by several snaps of Butterfly's fingers.
Naruto's snort quickly morphed into a gulp. He didn't know what was more frightening, the threat spoken in Ebonics, or the fact that the speaker's voice was a deep octave. Yup, it seemed our beloved Naruto had just acquired a crazed transvestite soul brother for a sensei.
TBC
I'm sorry for the racial stereotypes present in this chapter and in future chapters to come. Believe me I have no intentions of mocking anyone. Personally, I find Ebonics to be very fascinating. As for the 'yellow ass' comment, I'm Asian myself, so please don't throw a hissy-fit. Besides, any Asian who's truly Asian will tell you that he/she is damn proud of his/her 'yellow ass'. So really, it's more of a compliment than anything else. However, if this is offensive to some people, I give my sincerest apologize right now. Please forgive me.