Summary: Ron and Arthur Weasley find themselves in some awkward situations...rather embarrassing really...while singing show tunes.
If I Were A Rich Man by loudnproud223
It had been another tough year at Hogwarts for Harry, Ron and Hermione. However, Ron was absolutely positive that he had had it the worst out of all three of them. Yes, Harry had to defeat Voldemort again, but the morning after he had received 4,002 points to Gryffindor for services to the school. And yes, Hermione had the most classes out of the entire school and the most homework, but she ended up having the highest GPA (grade point average) in the history of Hogwarts. What did Ron have to show for his efforts at school? He did his homework and he helped Harry with the defeat of Voldemort. But he still had to endure taunts and snickers from the Slytherins about his family's wealth, or lack thereof. None of the Slytherins taunted Hermione or Harry anymore. Ron, however, was the butt of all of their jokes. 'Hey Weasel, sorry I accidentally stepped on your house; I didn't see it lying in the gutter.' And the ever popular, 'Your mum is so poor, when I stepped on a cigarette butt she said, "Who turned off the heat?"' Even though he had been with Harry and Hermione the whole way, he was still being picked on.
As he sat in the family's barn loft, he watched Harry and Ginny's blossoming relationship. Sure, Harry was his best friend and he loved him...in a best friend sort of way. But he couldn't help but feel a little jealousy towards him. Harry had looks, money, and the part where he saved the wizarding world from an untimely demise was a plus too. But what did Ron have? His trademark Weasley hair stopped traffic and his temper didn't help much. But he wasn't a mean person, was he?
Ron got up from his perch in the loft. And he began to skip. Yes...skip. What if he was a rich man? Would people respect him more than they did? He looked to the sky. Would it have been so hard to make their family...well...well to do? Being the man of limited means that he was created and reeked havoc in his life. But what if he had been born into a rich family? What if he were a rich man?
If I were a rich man
Daidle deedle daidle
Digguh digguh deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum
If I were a wealthy man
He thought about how hard his parents worked to make ends meet. He thought about his father's miniscule office in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office in the ministry of Magic building. Did he ever want to work that hard to raise a family? Of course not! But he did have to work hard. Because he wasn't rich like Harry. And he wasn't rich like the Malfoys...not that he wanted their kind of money. But what if he had his own business? What if he had people working for him, instead of him slaving away for some fat boss that smelled bad? This thought made him smile. And he began to skip some more. And then he began to waltz with himself. Yes...with himself. He didn't even pretend to have an imaginary partner. He just began to dance...with...himself.
I wouldn't have to work hard
Daidle deedle daidle
Digguh digguh deedle daidle dum
If I were a biddy biddy rich
Digguh digguh deedle daidle man
Ron turned to the window of the loft and looked out towards the Burrow. He hated to admit it, but that house was a joke. It leaned like the Tower of Pisa and it looked like it dropped out of the sky like a ton of space junk. (a/n: give props to Margie from Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century) The house, if you could call it that, needed a fixer upper. The roof was slowly slipping off of the top of the establishment and the house was slowly slipping off of its foundation. His house had too many staircases; you got a cardiovascular work out just by traveling from room to room. But then he imagined his house differently. What if it actually looked like a house and not a messed up sand castle? And what if they didn't have to call it the Burrow? They could call it the Pride! Like Pride Rock in that movie that he'd seen at Hermione's house; what was it? The Blind Queen? Or maybe it was the Quiet Spleen? (a/n: The Lion King for you non- Disney fans out there) He would have pride in his house. And he wouldn't be ashamed to invite somebody from school to hang out. It would be fashionable. And people would come from miles away just to catch a glimpse of its majestic ness. Well...that was going a bit far...
But once again Ronald Bartholomew Weasley began to dance...and...no way...sing? Yes...in a voice that you would expect to erupt from a fat opera man, he said:
I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen
Right in the middle of the town
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below
There would be one small staircase just going up
And one even longer coming down
And one more leading nowhere just for show
After amazing himself with his...um...voice, Ron walked towards the animal pen. And sighed. Half of the animals were so old that they could barely lift their eyelids. Ron thought about his new house, the one that would be built from the fruits of his new business. His new animals would have shiny new coats, fresh breath. (for animals anyway) His animals wouldn't sleep all day and they would look and sound healthy. No more of those dry quacks from Daffy and no more of that stuttering from Porky, the pig who had over stayed it's welcome. The animals at the Burrow looked malnourished and from a distance they appeared to be dying.
Then Ron got down on all fours...and started to neigh like a horse...yes...our Ronald was pretending to be like Mr. Ed. NEIGH!! NEIGH!! He then kneeled on his knees and started flapping his arms around like a duck. QUACK!! QUACK!! Ron was beginning to have fun with his rediscovered animal sounds:
Old McDonald had a farm
ee-eye-ee-eye-o
And on that farm he had a pig
ee-eye-ee-eye-o
With an oink- oink here
And an oink- oink there
Here an oink
There an oink
Everywhere an oink- oink
Old McDonald had a farm
ee-eye-ee-eye-o
And on that farm he had a sheep
ee-eye-ee-eye-o
With a baa here
And a baa there
Here a baa
There a b---
In the middle of the song, Ron was stopped abruptly by the view of a pair of legs. Women's legs. Hermione's legs...he could tell by the birthmark on the left side of her right leg...it was in the shape of a sheep?
"Hello, Ron." She said while trying not to laugh. How could she not laugh at Ron after seeing that wonderful display of animalisms?
He slowly looked up at her ears and face scarlet; and a mouthful of grass.
Gulp. "-ello, 'Mione." Gulp. Ron was thoroughly mortified. Now whenever Hermione looked at him, she was gonna see this Rob Schneider- esque doofus with grassy breath.
(a/n: Rob Schneider was in this movie called The Animal for those of you not in the know)
"Why were you making sheep sounds? And why are you eating grass?" She asked him.
"I was...um...GULP...I was imagining my future house with better farm animals..."
"Uh- huh."
"...and I guess I got a little carried away."
I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese
And ducks for the town to see and hear
Squawking just as noisily as they can
And each loud quack and cluck and gobble and honk
Will land like a trumpet on the ear
As if to say here lives a wealthy man
MEANWHILE...In the shed in the backyard:
Mr. Weasley had found himself in the shed on this wonderful afternoon. He was thinking about his wife. Molly. His Molloy. Why had she married him? He wasn't at all good looking. He had had freckles like the dickens and he had inherited doo-doo brown colored eyes from his even uglier father. If she hadn't married him for his looks then she had certainly married him for his money. But, wait. He didn't have any of that either. The day he proposed to her he had presented a crown of daisies instead of a nice engagement ring. So why was she still with him? She couldn't possibly still love him after that crap load of kids.
He thought about how much money he would've had if only he had taken over the Weasley family business after Bill was born. His father had been furious that Arthur had wanted to work alongside muggles instead of in the family business. The vocation that Arthur had chosen had really hurt his father's feelings. But Arthur wanted to do something other than work alongside his 25 brothers and sisters. (each one named after the corresponding letter in the alphabet) Arthur was to own the business after their father passed away and his 25 siblings: Bilius, Chuck, Darla, Evelyn, Franklin and Geoffrey (they were twins, not unlike Fred and George), Helga, Isabella (Izzy for short), Jack, Kevin, Laura, Marguerite, Nicholas, Opal, Patrice, Quentin, Rufus, Steven, Tara, Ursula, Victor, Winifred, Xavier, Yvonne, and Zelda, were supposed to be his employees. But that was a different story. He didn't join the family business and now he had no money...no extra money, that is.
He often looked at his wife and wondered if she would look healthier if he would've joined his father's business. She never ate anything, always giving all she had to him and their seven children. Maybe if hadn't been so stubborn she wouldn't look so half-starved all of the time. It made her happy to feed other people, but he wanted her to be able to eat as well. He wanted to see her proud of her kitchen table and he wanted to have house elves so she wouldn't be so tired.
He then began to dance. Not too surprising, as we just saw Ron eating grass, but Mr. Weasley wasn't doing normal dancing. He had flung his arms in the air and had begun to shimmy and kick his legs up like...and he began to sing really loud and in a high voice like...
I see my wife, my Molly, looking like a rich man's wife
With a proper double chin
Supervising meals to her heart's delight
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock
Oh what a happy mood she's in
Screaming at the servants day and night
Arthur started to get more excited. Why, if he was richer not only would his family be better off, but wouldn't he be more respected? That Cornelius Fudge wouldn't think he was such a nutter. In fact, they all would be begging for his insightful intellect in politics and muggle artifact knowledge!!
Mr. Weasley again got up from his seat, doing that jig from before had made him tired, and started to sing:
The most important men in town will come to fawn on me
They will ask me to advise them like Solomon the Wise
"If you please Mr. Weasley... Pardon me, Mr. Weasley
Poising problems that would cross the Minister's eyes
And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong
When you're rich they think you really know
But Mr. Weasley didn't see all of the people watching him make an idiot of himself.
"Arthur?" Molly had seen Arthur's...um...performance and was beside herself.
"Molly, dear, how are you?" asked Arthur after he stopped doing the Macarena. There's nothing wrong with doing the Macarena, except for the fact that Arthur's hands were positioned on his rear end in a way that would suggest that...
"I'm going to go get the thermometer and the laxatives."
Let's just say that Mr. Weasley was just a tad bit embarrassed.
It seemed that the youngest and oldest Weasley men had the same thing on their minds. Money. They figured that being rich would make their lives better and in some cases it could. But remember, money isn't everything. They both have their family, friends, the clothes on their backs and the food in their stomachs. But...no...they just had to mortify themselves.
If I were a rich man
Daidle deedle daidle
Digguh deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy bum
If I were a wealthy man
I wouldn't have to work hard
Daidle deedle daidle
Digguh deedle daidle dum
If I were a biddy biddy rich
Digguh deedle daidle man
A/N: Ok Readers, how was that? I know that is the stupidest story I've ever written but I like it. Ron and Mr. Weasley were totally out of character and I thought it would be funny to write a story about them dancing and doing weird things. This song was from the movie and Broadway play The Fiddler on the Roof so if anybody knows who wrote the songs I would like to give them their props and put their name on my disclaimer list on my profile. So here it is, five pages of silliness...let me know how you like it!! LOVE, PEACE, AND CHICKEN GREASE!! loudnproud223