Title: Insight

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Through S5

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, much as I wish.

Archive: Sure, but ask first. All my fics can also be found at the website I share with Sharon – see my profile for details.

Feedback: Always appreciated

Thanks: Thanks to Ellen for the beta, which now means any mistakes are down to her :-D Just kidding, Ellen. :-)

Notes: Given the subject matter, you knew there had to be some angst in this fic, right? Well, here it is!

5/?

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"Josh, I need you to take a look at this Op-Ed and give me your opinion," said CJ as she entered his office and threw a copy of the Washington Post onto his desk.

"And just how the hell am I supposed to take a look?" snapped Josh.

CJ was taken aback by his tone, but decided snapping back was not going to be the way to deal with it; instead, she closed the door and took a seat in his visitor's chair.

"Alright, Josh, what's wrong?"

"What?"

"Don't take that terse tone with me, I came in to ask for a favor, well actually, I came to ask you to do something that is part of your job," replied CJ in a tone that showed she wasn't going to tolerate his attitude.

"Yeah, but you had to choose the one part of my job I can't actually do at the moment, didn't you?"

"What?" she queried in slight confusion and then realized what he meant. "Oh, I was going to read the piece out to you."

"And that's why you threw the paper onto my desk, is it?"

"I…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he said brusquely.

"So, it's finally hitting you, is it?"

"What?" he asked with a sigh, scrubbing a hand through his hair.

"Your situation… being blind. I wondered when the full impact would finally sink in, though I gotta say, I thought it would have happened before now. When we were out at the bar last night, you seemed so cool, calm and collected about it, but I know you have a tendency to bottle everything up until it finally explodes."

"I'm fine."

"Josh, we're all here for you, if you need to talk. I know I can't really understand what you're going through, but I want to help."

"You're right, you can't understand what I'm going through, so just leave me alone."

"What's brought all this on?"

"What?"

"Your attitude."

"Oh, gee, CJ, let me think… maybe it's BECAUSE I'M BLIND!" he yelled, his anger increasing with every word.

"Josh, calm down. I meant that you've been handling it fairly well until now. As I said, I know you tend to bottle things up until you finally explode, but you usually need a trigger for that to happen, so what was it?"

"Get out, CJ."

"No."

"CJ," he warned, his temper rising again.

"What happened, Josh? You and Donna left the bar last night and you were okay, chipper even, saying that you'd had a good time and you felt more normal, so what happened between then and now?"

"Nothing."

"Right. Josh?"

"CJ, just leave it."

"No. Josh, you need to talk about this."

"I really don't."

"If you won't talk to me, should I go and get Donna?"

"No!" he exclaimed immediately, raising a hand to emphasize his response.

CJ looked at him closely, struck by his sudden aversion to talking to Donna. Usually, Donna was the only person he would talk to when something was bothering him. The only times he didn't talk to Donna were when it was something very serious and personal, something that he didn't want to burden her with and that thought worried CJ more than she would admit aloud.

"So, talk to me, Josh," she said softly. "What happened?"

Josh was silent for what seemed like hours, though was only a few minutes. CJ was just about to prompt him again when he finally spoke.

"I hate this, CJ," he admitted, his voice close to breaking point. "I'm sorry for my pity party there, but I just…"

Ignoring his apology, preferring to show she was fine with him by helping him, she tackled his first comment.

"Hate what? Being blind?" she asked gently.

"Yeah, but… it's… it's what it means, you know? I've lost my independence and I stand to lose so much more as a result."

"How do you mean?"

Josh removed the earphones he was wearing and placed them with the walkman on his desk; Donna had started taping meeting notes for him, so that he could learn them, rather than her having to provide info all the time. CJ hadn't even noticed the walkman when she'd entered the office and she guessed that Donna had gone to great lengths to find earphones that were barely noticeable so that Josh didn't feel even more uncommon.

"I'm having to rely on Donna for everything," he stated.

"You always rely on Donna for everything, Josh," grinned CJ, attempting to lighten the atmosphere; she hated seeing her friend in such distress.

"Yeah, at work I do," he admitted, "and professionally I know I probably put way too much pressure on her, but I know she can handle it."

"So, what's the problem?"

"I don't want to put too much pressure on her personally as well, CJ. I already take up way too much of her free time and I don't want her ending up hating me because I'm impinging on her life… on her opportunities for happiness."

"Josh, you –"

CJ's reply was interrupted by a knock at the door and the entrance of Donna.

"Don't mind me," said Donna lightly, noticing the sudden cease in conversation, "I'm just dropping off a prep tape for your next meeting, Josh."

"Thanks, Donna. How long do I have?"

"About an hour."

"Okay."

Donna looked at CJ quizzically, but received no response to her unasked question, so she left the office again, closing the door behind her.

"Josh, you should be talking to Donna about this," said CJ immediately, but softly.

"About what?"

"Your feelings of guilt about over-pressuring her. She needs to hear this, as I think you'll find she doesn't have any problems with the situation."

"CJ, I don't want to t—"

"Josh, I'll go get Donna."

"No."

"I'm not giving you an option, Josh, you need to talk to her. I know you've been taking your bad mood out on her today as well and that's not fair."

Knowing she had a valid point, Josh nodded his head silently and heard CJ open the door and call for Donna.

"Tell Donna why you've been in a bad mood all morning, Josh," instructed CJ as she left Josh and Donna alone in the office, closing the door behind her.

"So," said Donna as she slid into the chair CJ had vacated.

"I think I should get back to work," Josh said, feeling for the walkman and picking it up. His actions were stopped as Donna pulled the walkman from his hands. "Donna!"

"Josh, please, you've been in a hell of a mood all morning and I think you should talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Funny, CJ seems to think there is, so I imagine you managed to find something to discuss with her," she commented with a light tone, though it was edged with hurt.

"What do you want to know?" he sighed, knowing that if he didn't talk to her, CJ would kick his ass and Donna would be even more hurt than she seemed to be already.

"Why you've been in such a mood this morning. You were fine when I dropped you home last night, but I thought I was about to lose my head this morning when I came to collect you."

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"I don't want an apology, I want to know what happened."

"I've already had this conversation with CJ," he remarked.

"Good, that means you know the answer, so tell me what happened."

"Nothing."

"Josh."

"When you left last night, I…"

"You what?" she prompted gently when he didn't continue.

"I locked the door behind you and turned to head for my bedroom…" He trailed off again, but Donna remained silent, watching him struggle with himself to find the words. "You remember I kicked my shoes off as soon as I got home?"

"Yes."

"Well, turns out that was a bad idea," he said sardonically. "When I turned to go to my room, I tripped over one of my shoes and crashed into the end table."

"Are you okay?" she asked, obviously shaken by what he'd said.

"Yeah, but my lamp isn't," he replied wryly.

"What?"

"It fell off the table when I banged into it."

"But, I… I didn't notice any glass anywhere this morning, Josh."

"I guess I did a good job of cleaning it up then," he said quietly, leading Donna to realize there was more he wasn't telling her.

"You cleaned it up?"

"Yeah, it took me a while of crawling around on my hands and knees and shoveling broken glass into an empty grocery bag, but I think I got it all," he said, obviously proud of himself.

"Josh, that could have been dangerous, you could have cut yourself when you couldn't see the glass."

"I know, I did," he said, his head dropping down even though he couldn't see her face. "But, I had to do it myself, Donna, I had to be able to clean up my own mess."

Donna didn't hear the second half of his comment, as she was too busy reeling from the fact that he'd hurt himself.

"What?! Josh, are you okay? Where did you cut yourself?" she asked rapidly, searching his face and hands for any sign of a cut.

"My leg, it's okay."

"How do you know?"

"Well, I don't feel the blood trickling down it any more," he snapped.

"Josh."

"Sorry. I'm okay, Donna."

"Tripping and cutting yourself caused the change in your attitude?" she guessed.

"Not exactly. It… it reminded me of when I cut my hand, the last time I wasn't in control of myself," he admitted.

"Oh, Josh," she said quietly, so quietly he wouldn't normally have heard her, but this time he did.

"Donna, don't get upset, I'm okay. I flipped out for a little bit last night," he said honestly, "and I decided that if one lamp was smashed, the matching one should go in the trash with it, so I smashed it to hell as well, but I'm okay. I needed to keep my independence and clear up after myself. I managed it and felt pretty good, but as I lay in bed last night my mind wouldn't switch off. I kept thinking about what else could happen because I'm like this and it got to me. I hate not being in control, Donna and, right now, I'm not in control, the blindness has control over me. My mood this morning was my way of trying to cover up, to hide the fact that I lost control. I was trying to control everyone else through yelling at them and trying to keep them away from me so that they didn't notice what was really going on. I wanted to hide my lack of self-control."

"You don't need to hide anything, Josh, not from me," she said softly, emotion catching in her voice at the honesty of his words.

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"Can I see your leg?"

"Well, I don't know, Donna," he drawled, "I don't know if I could trust you to keep your hands to yourself."

"Josh," she laughed, glad he was joking around again. "I just want to check the cut."

"It's okay, I put a band-aid on it."

"But, how did you…"

"How did I manage when I can't see?"

"Well, yeah."

"I have my ways," he smiled smugly.

"Josh."

"Okay, it took me about a box of band-aids, but I finally managed to get one the right size on the right spot."

"Can I check anyway?"

"Sure," he agreed, pulling up the right leg of his pants.

Donna crouched down in front of him and inspected his handiwork for a few moments.

"Well?" Josh prompted.

"You did pretty well, Josh," she said, watching the proud smile form on his face, "but I think I should take the band-aid off and make sure the cut is clean."

"Okay," he sighed, "but there's really no need."

"Just humor me. I'm gonna get the first-aid kit, I'll be right back."

"Okay."

Donna returned a few moments later and proceeded to re-dress Josh's leg. He squirmed slightly as she applied some antiseptic cream, but she called him a baby and he soon became quiet again.

"Josh," she said hesitantly as she finished and stood up.

"Yeah?"

"Why did CJ feel it was so important that you talk to me?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I guess she felt I needed to talk to get me out of my mood."

"Yeah, but you were already talking to her, why did she think you needed to talk to me instead?"

Josh let his shoulders slump in defeat as he realized he was going to have be honest.

"I told her I feel guilty about putting too much pressure on you, about you having to do so much to help me because of this, both here and at home."

"I don't understand, Josh," said Donna. She thought she knew his meaning, but wanted him to explain further.

"I… Donna, you are having to pretty much take care of me right now," he shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "I don't want this to change things, Donna, I don't want you to end up hating me."

"I won't end up hating you, Josh," she said softly, reminding him of what CJ had said to him. "I'm glad I can help, I want to help, that's what friends are for."

"Yeah, but friends don't usually have to look after each other as much as this. I just don't want to become a burden."

"You could never be a burden, or anything else that's going through your head right now," she added as she saw him open his mouth to interrupt. "You're my friend, you need me and I'm here for you, for as long as you need me… and want me."

Josh tried to speak, but words failed him. Summoning all his inner strength, he channeled it into his vocal chords.

"Thanks, Donna," he whispered, reaching for her hands and squeezing them. "I'm scared, scared that this is going to be permanent."

"It's too soon to think about that, Josh, you have to be patient…" she paused and gave a derisive snort, "but I'm talking to a person who doesn't know the meaning of that word. But, Josh, even if it is permanent, you'll cope, you're a fighter. You've gotten through worse, you've fought for your life and won, something like this isn't going to bring you down."

"This could end it all though, Donna. If this is permanent, I'll have to quit."

"Why?" she asked with shock.

"I'd be a liability."

"I don't… How would you be a liability?"

"I wouldn't be able to do my job, not properly. I need to be fully functioning to help elect the next Democratic President, I can't be like this."

"You're managing so far. Like I said earlier, I'm here no matter what. If this is permanent, I'll do whatever is needed to make this work, to let you continue working here."

"No, Donna, you helping out so much is only a short-term fix, it can't be permanent."

"Why not?" she queried, hurt finding it's way into her tone as she assumed that he meant she wouldn't be capable of coping with the greater responsibility permanently.

"We'd need to hire someone to take your job, or a lot of it, so that you could work more closely with me, that would cost and we'd have to explain the extra expense."

She let out a sigh of slight relief as she realized she'd misinterpreted his earlier statement, but she still wasn't happy with what he was saying.

"I'm sure no-one would comment on it, Josh, given the circumstances."

"No, but they'd be thinking it and, either way, I'd be treated differently; I couldn't handle that, Donna. I am where I am because of my personality, my independence, but that's all being taken away from me."

"You can retain your independence, Josh and whether your personality changes or not is up to you."

"Being permanently blind would change who I am, don't you get that?!" he said irritably, wrenching his hands from hers. Donna held firm and he only managed to remove one hand. As he tried again to break free from her grasp, she interrupted.

"You'll always be the same Josh Lyman to me, no matter what."

Donna knew that he was only just coming to terms with the situation and he needed to work it out on his own, she had done as much as she could to assure him she'd always be there. Deciding that saying any more might push him over the edge and lead them both to say things they might later regret, she released his hand and stood up.

"I'd better get back to work. You know where I am if you need me."

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TBC…