Title:  Insight

Rating: PG

Spoilers:  Through S5

Disclaimer:  I don't own 'em, much as I wish.

Archive:  Sure, but ask first.  All my fics can also be found at the website I share with Sharon: www.distinctivepenmanship.com (I do need to update 'Insight' there though and I promise to do that asap)

Feedback:  Always appreciated

Thanks:  To everyone for the continued feedback, even though I'm taking forever to finish this 

Notes:  Huge apologies, once again, for the long delay since the last chapter.  I've been struggling a bit with this chapter and, since life has been rather hectic lately (work problems), I've taken the easy option and written a few other things instead.  However, this is the penultimate part of this fic, so the end is in sight (no pun intended!!)

6/7

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The persistent ringing of her cellphone woke Donna and she sighed as she realized her plan for an almost 'once in a lifetime' early night was now dashed.  Grabbing the phone, she identified the caller using the backlit display and immediately hit the button to answer.

"Josh?"

"Yeah, can I have a large pepperoni pizza, please?"

Donna's eyes grew wide with confusion and she pulled the cellphone from her ear to double-check the caller id display.

"Josh?  Are you okay?"

"Donna?" he said with surprise.  "What are you doing at the pizza place?  Why are you answering their phone?"

She could hear that he was slightly slurring his words and she summoned the strength for the strange conversation she knew was about to take place.

"I'm not at the pizza place," she pointed out.  "I'm at home, you're calling me on my cell."

"But how…?  Oh, damn," he cursed.

"Josh?"

"I thought I hit speed dial 4 to call the pizza place, but I must have hit 1 instead.  I keep forgetting that my home phone has a different layout to my cell," he explained, obviously annoyed with himself.  "Damn stupid phone," he grumbled, his words becoming more slurred as he spoke.  Donna heard him swallow and instinctively knew he'd just taken another drink.

"Josh, have you been drinking?" she asked warily, not wanting to get his ire up.

"I've had a beer," he answered easily.

"Josh, don't take this the wrong way, but you're slurring –"

"Donna, don't start.  Even my sensitive system can handle a beer."

"It's not just one beer though, is it, Josh?  One beer wouldn't have you slurring your words, especially not when you ate earlier, and I know you ate, because I was there."

"I'm hungry," he said suddenly, remembering his plan to call for pizza.  The change in topic confirmed Donna's suspicion, as she knew he wasn't changing subject just to sidetrack her.

"Josh, you're drunk," she said bluntly.

"No, I'm not," he lied.

"Josh, how much have you had?  I dropped you home around 9 and it's now only 11:30, how much have you had to drink in two and a half hours?"

"I'm fine, Donna," he said, but the hiccup that escaped his lips gave him away.

"I'm coming over, Josh."

"What?  Why?"

"Because you're drunk."

"It's not a new occurrence, Donna," he pointed out, managing to get the words out without slurring, or so he thought.

"No, but you've never been drunk when you're bl—" she stopped abruptly, realizing she didn't want to go there right at that moment.

"When I'm blind?  No, but that's a pretty damn good reason for me to be drunk, don't you think?" he said gruffly.

"Josh, you can't do this to yourself," she said sadly.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not.  You just admitted that you're getting drunk to try and cope with being blind, that's not the proper coping mechanism, Josh, you know that.  Look, I'm going to come over, so you can talk through what's bothering you, rather than drinking your way through."  Ever since he'd opened up to her a couple of days before, Donna had been making it clearer and clearer that she wanted him to continue to do that, to lean on her when he felt the need.  He had obviously decided against that tonight, but she wasn't going to give him the option.

"Donna, there's no need."

"I'm on my way, Josh," she said firmly.

"Pepperoni," he said out of the blue.

"What?"

"I want pepperoni pizza."

"Josh?"

"If you're coming over, bring pizza."

"Josh, I don't –"

"You think I'm drunk, well pizza will help, won't it?"  His tone had become light again, as if he was having trouble remembering that he had been annoyed with her only moments before.

"Alright, I'll bring pizza," she sighed.

----

"Oh my God, Josh, what happened to you?" gasped Donna as Josh opened his apartment door and let her walk past him, following her into the living room after closing the door.

"Huh?"

"Look at the state of you!"  As she remembered that those weren't the best words to say to him at that moment, she quickly apologized.  "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, it's just, well, you're a mess, Josh."

"I wouldn't know," he growled sarcastically.

"You can tell when your shirt is hanging out and you've spilled beer down yourself," she stated.

"Yeah, I can tell, but I don't care."

"Josh."

"Donna, I'm in my apartment, I can look however I want and do whatever I want," he half-yelled.

"Well, do you want to eat pizza?"

"Stupid question," he grinned, immediately changing from his bad mood and holding his hands out for the box.

"It's okay, I've got it," she said gently.

"Donna, gimme the damn pizza," he insisted, raising his voice again.

"Josh, we're standing at the coffee table, I'm just gonna put it down there."  He didn't say anything and Donna dropped the box onto the table.  "I'm just gonna get something to wipe my hands on as I eat, okay?"

"There's stuff in the kitchen," he told her.

"Yeah, I know," she smiled, pushing him down onto the couch as she brushed past him.

She joined him on the couch a few moments later, finding him already devouring a slice of pizza.

"Couldn't wait for me, huh?" she chuckled.

"I told you I was hungry," he defended.

"So, do I get a beer, or have you managed to finish it all yourself?" she asked sardonically after a few minutes filled only with the sounds of eating.

"Fridge," he told her.  "Get me one while you're there."

"Don't you think you've had enough already?"

"No."

"Josh."

"Donna.  My apartment, my beer."

"Fine, but don't expect me to help you get even more drunk.  You want a beer, go get it yourself."

"Thanks a lot!" he said moodily, his voice starting to rise again.  He rose from the couch and made his way towards the kitchen, slightly staggering due to the alcohol he'd already consumed.  "Here," he said gruffly when he returned, holding a beer out for Donna.

"Thanks," she smiled, taking a drink.  "So, you gonna tell me what all this is about?"

"What?" he asked, knowing full well what she wanted to talk about.

"Why you felt the need to get yourself drunk.  You seemed okay when I dropped you home, what changed?  I thought you'd appreciate the early night, a chance to recharge."

"Yeah, well I didn't appreciate it, okay?" he snapped.

"Why not?  And why didn't you tell me?"

"I said I didn't want to leave the office early tonight, you were the one who forced the issue when Leo was standing there, so that he'd order me to go home."

"I didn't force the issue, I just pointed out that you looked tired."

"Whatever."

"Josh, please," she said sadly, hurt by his tone.  "What's so bad about being at home?"

"I have nothing to do here, Donna!  It's alright for you, you can go home, switch on the TV or relax and read a book, I can't!" he stated with anger.

"You have a stereo system, Josh, you could listen to music to relax.  Plus, I gave you some of those 'talking books', you could listen to them."

"That's not what I normally do though, don't you get that?!  Yeah, I listen to music when I get home, but it's usually accompanied by me reading over briefing memos or something, I need to be doing something, not just sitting here."  His voice had started as angry, but the tone changed as he spoke and, by the time he finished, he sounded pitiful and Donna's heart broke for him.

"I'm sorry, Josh," she whispered.  "I guess I forget the fact that you're the kind of person who needs a lot of visual stimulation."

"Any stimulation would do," he interjected, not even realizing his double-entendre as he was so focussed on the discussion.

"Why didn't you call me, Josh?  I thought we agreed you'd lean on me when you needed to, why get yourself drunk?"

The hurt in Donna's voice was obvious and Josh swallowed hard to overcome his guilt.  She was right, he had agreed to talk to her when he felt his control slipping.

"I'm sorry, Donna," he said seriously.  "I did consider calling you, but I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"I need to be able to do this myself.  If I can't handle this myself, what hope do I have?"

"We've been over this before, Josh, you don't have to do this yourself."

"I just… Donna, if I can't even spend an evening at home on my own, I really have lost my independence and I can't stand thinking about that."

Donna walked over to the window, looking out onto the moonlit street.  Her thoughts were jumping around, jostling with each other for position.  She wanted to make Josh understand that he didn't have to be alone, that she was there for him, but she could also see his point of view; if she was in his position, she figured she'd feel exactly the same.  However, she also knew that she wouldn't turn to alcohol as a way of blocking it out and it scared her to think that Josh may be starting down that road.  She had little evidence so far, but there was a niggling feeling that he would use alcohol as his escape mechanism, when she really wanted him to use her for that; she knew she could handle it, but did he realize she had enough strength for both of them?  Turning around to face him, she gathered her thoughts and decided on a course of action.

"Josh, you'll always have your independence, but it's not a bad thing to ask for help every so often.  As I've said before, I'm here for you whenever you need me, I always will be.  I won't think less of you if you have to lean on me, I'll think less of you if you give in to temptation and turn to easier options… like alcohol."

Josh had risen as Donna spoke and was now standing just in front of the couch, debating what to say to her in reply.

"Donna, I –" he stopped suddenly and let out a gasp.  Donna immediately became worried and started to walk towards him.  "Don't, stay where you are, Donna," he said, raising a hand to stop her.  She stopped walking and waited for him to say something more, then it clicked.

"Josh, how did you know I was moving towards you there?  I was silent, how did you know?" she demanded, hope lacing her tone.

"I saw your outline," he admitted quietly.

"Josh," she gasped.  "You can see again?"

"Kinda," he shrugged.  "It's blurry, but I can see shapes."

"When did this happen?"

"About two seconds ago."

"You had no warning?"

"No.  The doctor said he thought my sight would come back gradually, but he did say that the first part might happen all of a sudden, I guess he was right."

"How do you feel?" asked Donna.

"Shaky," he confessed.

"Sit down," she said, walking towards him and leading him by the hand back down onto the couch, where she sat down next to him.  Donna sank into the couch, glad of the support as her own legs were wobbly as a result of Josh's shock news.  "You okay?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah," he said shakily.  "I just… I was kinda getting used to it, you know?"

"Yeah, right," she snorted derisively.  "Josh, you were getting yourself drunk earlier, how is that getting used to it?"

"You know me," he grinned.

"So, what do you do now?  Should you call your doctor, let him know what's happened?"

"No, not yet.  It might take a while before there's anymore improvement, so I'll wait for now."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No," he replied, shaking his head.  "I think this has sobered me up pretty well.  You should go home, get some sleep."

"Josh, I –"

"I'm fine, Donna," he said gently.  "Really.  I'm sorry for ruining your night."

"Josh, you just made my night," she smiled.  "You sure you don't want to talk about this, how you're really feeling right now?"

"I don't know how I'm feeling right now, Donna, I need some time to get my head together.  What I said earlier still stands, I want to be able to do this by myself."  Sensing she was about to interrupt, he added, "I know I don't have to do it myself, Donna, but I want to.  It's hard to explain how important it is to me, just trust me, okay?"  His tone was gentle and he saw the outline of Donna's head, slowly nodding her agreement.  "I do appreciate everything you've done for me, Donna," he said softly, "and everything you've offered to do for me, I just… I want to work it out for myself."

"Will you tell me once you've worked it out?"

"Yes, mom, I'll share with class," he grinned.  "Right now though, I'm just gonna go to bed, try and get some sleep.  You'll pick me up in the morning?"

"Sure," she smiled.  "Do you need anything before I go?"

"No, I'm good."

"Okay then," she nodded, standing up from the couch and laying a hand gently on his shoulder.  "Call me if you need anything… except pizza, okay?"

"Thanks, Donna."

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TBC…