After that.disturbing confession, it was time for dinner. I took my place
at Uther's right, across from Merl, at his left.
"Thank you Lord, for the gifts we are about to receive," I prayed as the food was served.
"Thank you, Goddess and all other deities for this food," chanted Merl.
It was interesting, being at court. Some of the people were Christians souls, but many others were still pagan. It's interesting, because when I say the grace, the pagans get offended and when Merl does, the Christians get offended. So we both do.
"Hey, serving boy!" roared Uther to Arthur. "Give me some more raw mutton."
I could see Arthur's pain in his face as he fed his king the raw mutton. "When I am king," Arthur whispered, "He will be sorry he all treated me thus."
"When you are king," I whispered back, "He'll be dead. That's how it works, man! King dies, other dude gets a crown..."
"Word," said Merl as he toasted me with his goblet. I did the same and took a swing of the wine. It was some good shit. Sometimes I got the serving wenches to put some vodka in the wine, but they then they started asking me where I got the vodka.and that's another story.
But after I took a swig I almost spat it out. Lancelot du Lac had chosen that moment to appear.
He looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, only in an armor suit.
Of course, the Pillsbury Dough Boy wouldn't appear for another 1500 years so no one made the connection.
"Evening, Lancelot," said Uther pleasantly.
"Damn, who gave you that outfit, the Tin Man?" cackled Merlyn.
"You look like..hell, man. The outfit.it's so..."
"Third century?" supplied Merl.
I grinned. "Exactly."
"I think it's sexy," Gwenhwyfar purred. She began running her hands up and down the metal. She looked up. "Where'd you get it?"
"I bought it from an Islamic blacksmith in Prague, but I found it locked in the North Tower, hanging from a noose with a sign that said "You" on the front yesterday." Lancelot shot me an incriminating look.
"I guess I just can't get Jesus' message to everyone," I sighed. I picked up my napkin to try to smother my manly giggles and guilty snivel.
Nimue, Merlyn's wench sent him a dirty look. "You and I are going to have a looooong talk about hospitality when we get back to our hovel."
"Hospitality? He's been here for two years, Nim."
"He's still a foreigner," said Nimue angrily.
Yet Merl continued. "And since when is it OUR hovel? I'm just letting you share my bed, wench."
Nimue gasped. "I thought we were in love!"
"You thought wrong, girly."
"You dirty old man!"
"Relax, Nimue," I soothed. "He's just stoned.and drunk. He probably thinks you're like.I don't know. His mum."
"Oh," said Nimue. "Well, I guess that's okay."
Note to self, I thought. Nimue-not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
I turned my attention back to Lancelot. He had his head out of the window. "In case you're going swimming tomorrow," he called. "The water temperature is 75 degrees. However," he continued, "My pool is built over a flaming oil well so it's more like 90 degrees. So we can all sit in my hot tub, eat some stuff, get drunk, probably have an orgy."
"Whoa, rewind. Orgy?" Merl looked at me and his eyes got wide. "Since when do these guys have orgies and why am I not on the mailing list?"
"The postal system won't be invented for a couple more centuries, Merl," muttered Gwen as she cuddled up to Lancelot. She looked at me in mock innocence. "Oh, Father-was that terribly naughty of me to correct a religious man of the cloth?" She pulled out her cross and began sucking on it. "Do I need to beg your forgiveness? How can I do penance.Father?"
"You can go away. Far away, and be.away."
Gwenhwyfar sighed and pouted. Happily, she found console in the metal arms of Lancelot.
"One of these days you should just do her," observed Merl. "She's asking for it, dawg. Just slip her the hot beef injection."
I stared at him. "Dude, that imagery.was really wrong." Merl didn't appear to care. "I mean, we're talking about your future queen!"
"Yeah..she's a slut. Duh. Where have you been these past months?"
Arthur kneeled next to me. "I think I'm in love," he whispered in my ear.
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. "Well, Arthur, dude, I'm really touched that you feel like that.but I just don't go that way."
Arthur stared at me for a moment. "Um.not with you, Mor."
"What, do you not find me attractive?"
"No, it's-"
"You find me attractive. I knew it, you're a queer!"
"No, I don't find you-"
"You're just like Lancelot. We all know how he likes his young, beardless men," I said loudly.
The hall fell silent.
"Dude, are you trying to start a war?" inquired Merl. "Cause I mean.violence...not always the answer man."
"So Merlyn was kind of like a seventh century hippie," observed Sarah."
Mordred glared at the girl. "Can I continue my story?"
"Thank you Lord, for the gifts we are about to receive," I prayed as the food was served.
"Thank you, Goddess and all other deities for this food," chanted Merl.
It was interesting, being at court. Some of the people were Christians souls, but many others were still pagan. It's interesting, because when I say the grace, the pagans get offended and when Merl does, the Christians get offended. So we both do.
"Hey, serving boy!" roared Uther to Arthur. "Give me some more raw mutton."
I could see Arthur's pain in his face as he fed his king the raw mutton. "When I am king," Arthur whispered, "He will be sorry he all treated me thus."
"When you are king," I whispered back, "He'll be dead. That's how it works, man! King dies, other dude gets a crown..."
"Word," said Merl as he toasted me with his goblet. I did the same and took a swing of the wine. It was some good shit. Sometimes I got the serving wenches to put some vodka in the wine, but they then they started asking me where I got the vodka.and that's another story.
But after I took a swig I almost spat it out. Lancelot du Lac had chosen that moment to appear.
He looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, only in an armor suit.
Of course, the Pillsbury Dough Boy wouldn't appear for another 1500 years so no one made the connection.
"Evening, Lancelot," said Uther pleasantly.
"Damn, who gave you that outfit, the Tin Man?" cackled Merlyn.
"You look like..hell, man. The outfit.it's so..."
"Third century?" supplied Merl.
I grinned. "Exactly."
"I think it's sexy," Gwenhwyfar purred. She began running her hands up and down the metal. She looked up. "Where'd you get it?"
"I bought it from an Islamic blacksmith in Prague, but I found it locked in the North Tower, hanging from a noose with a sign that said "You" on the front yesterday." Lancelot shot me an incriminating look.
"I guess I just can't get Jesus' message to everyone," I sighed. I picked up my napkin to try to smother my manly giggles and guilty snivel.
Nimue, Merlyn's wench sent him a dirty look. "You and I are going to have a looooong talk about hospitality when we get back to our hovel."
"Hospitality? He's been here for two years, Nim."
"He's still a foreigner," said Nimue angrily.
Yet Merl continued. "And since when is it OUR hovel? I'm just letting you share my bed, wench."
Nimue gasped. "I thought we were in love!"
"You thought wrong, girly."
"You dirty old man!"
"Relax, Nimue," I soothed. "He's just stoned.and drunk. He probably thinks you're like.I don't know. His mum."
"Oh," said Nimue. "Well, I guess that's okay."
Note to self, I thought. Nimue-not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
I turned my attention back to Lancelot. He had his head out of the window. "In case you're going swimming tomorrow," he called. "The water temperature is 75 degrees. However," he continued, "My pool is built over a flaming oil well so it's more like 90 degrees. So we can all sit in my hot tub, eat some stuff, get drunk, probably have an orgy."
"Whoa, rewind. Orgy?" Merl looked at me and his eyes got wide. "Since when do these guys have orgies and why am I not on the mailing list?"
"The postal system won't be invented for a couple more centuries, Merl," muttered Gwen as she cuddled up to Lancelot. She looked at me in mock innocence. "Oh, Father-was that terribly naughty of me to correct a religious man of the cloth?" She pulled out her cross and began sucking on it. "Do I need to beg your forgiveness? How can I do penance.Father?"
"You can go away. Far away, and be.away."
Gwenhwyfar sighed and pouted. Happily, she found console in the metal arms of Lancelot.
"One of these days you should just do her," observed Merl. "She's asking for it, dawg. Just slip her the hot beef injection."
I stared at him. "Dude, that imagery.was really wrong." Merl didn't appear to care. "I mean, we're talking about your future queen!"
"Yeah..she's a slut. Duh. Where have you been these past months?"
Arthur kneeled next to me. "I think I'm in love," he whispered in my ear.
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. "Well, Arthur, dude, I'm really touched that you feel like that.but I just don't go that way."
Arthur stared at me for a moment. "Um.not with you, Mor."
"What, do you not find me attractive?"
"No, it's-"
"You find me attractive. I knew it, you're a queer!"
"No, I don't find you-"
"You're just like Lancelot. We all know how he likes his young, beardless men," I said loudly.
The hall fell silent.
"Dude, are you trying to start a war?" inquired Merl. "Cause I mean.violence...not always the answer man."
"So Merlyn was kind of like a seventh century hippie," observed Sarah."
Mordred glared at the girl. "Can I continue my story?"