Dawn

By Monnie

What's a girl to do with this? I'm not quite sure. Scary the way you change your mind about writing while you're in the middle of it. Anyway, while I'm rambling on about things that you probably know nothing about, go read. This one's very short, but it's passionate. And review if you don't mind my askin'.

This chapter is dedicated to Danielle, to whom I owe a lifetime of love and gratitude for her mere presence in my life.

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Chapter Twelve – Confession

"Do you realize that three seconds from now, that could be US?!" Monica shivered, and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I know. And I don't understand exactly what happened, but I'm gonna kill that bastard."

"Chandler, you can't!"

"Why not?" He stood up fiercely. "He killed Rachel's baby, and then he killed HER! I think the spineless murderer deserves a bitter taste of his own medicine!"

She caught his arm as he turned to leave the cabin. "Chandler, they'll kill YOU, too! Don't you get it?! This is REAL! I can't let you go get yourself killed! I – I just can't – I won't! I won't watch you leave."

"Why does it matter to you?" He angrily stepped out, and Monica followed him, deathly afraid of being seen.

She grabbed his arm again. "Because, Chandler – because I care a whole lot about you."

"What?"

"I do! I really do!" she drew in a shaky breath, and let go of his arm, stepping down the front stair of the ruddy cabin. "We've only known each other for, what, two weeks? I've talked to you every single day since that night behind the block – since Rachel left."

"That was three weeks ago, actually. And we've known OF each other for three months."

"Right, well - we've only talked once up until the night after it happened."

"So?"

"SO?!" she mocked bitterly, "So, I don't understand why I care so damn much about you! I don't WANT to care about you!" she stooped onto the bottom step, her head in her hands, sniffling quietly. He joined her, and she continued quietly. "Christ alive – I've never been able to connect with anyone like I've connected with you. And it scares the living daylights outta me."

"Why?"

"For fuck's sake, Chandler - I'm in a place where someone I love could easily turn on me to save their own skin! Why wouldn't I be scared?! Why aren't YOU?! I mean – I didn't even connect with my own HUSBAND the way I've connected with you. And it's on every level. I can't stand it!"

"Monica, why are you behaving this way?"

"I don't know! I wish I knew!" She clenched her hands into the strongest fist she could and hit herself on the head, hoping something would shift and help her understand. "I – I don't know what I feel anymore. My thoughts – my mind – my WORLD is upside down! Do you know what that's like?! It's not something I want to have to deal with! I'm – I – of all things I dreaded in life, certainly falling in love was not on that list!"

His expression softened, then his mind caught up to him. "It doesn't – wait, what? You're falling in love?"

"I – I don't know! I think I am!" She stood up and began to pace nervously about the gravel, feeling thoroughly numb, and unable to stop the tears she'd fought back from pouring out of her. "The feelings are all there – those loving, longing feelings that I've only had with one man in my life. And – I can't deal with it – not here. Chandler, do you understand me at all? This is me going out of my mind! I'm stuck in a nightmare, caught in darkness, and the light of the morning has been teasing my sanity! I keep thinking that if I go to sleep, I'll wake up, and be in my bed next to my love, and we'll be safe from all this! But I never wake up, Chandler! And I fear – I fear that if you feel anywhere near this intense about your own life – then you're drowning too. How can I stand here, in front of you, and demand you to accept what's not even real to me – when you're suffering, too? How can I, as a human, who gave her heart away, stand to lead someone on, when she's not even sure that she was leading in the first place?"

"Monica – you're making no sense!"

"I KNOW!" she sobbed, and fell to her knees. "I can't stand this! I want my world right side up again! I don't want to feel like I'm falling in love with the man who should be my enemy! I don't want to be here, Chandler! I don't! I'm holding on to the desperation – the false hope that somewhere, somehow, my husband is alive, my brother is alive – and I'm still falling. I'm still crying, still hurting, still loving. Still whispering to someone in the dead of night in hopes that the sun will rise. Still allowing myself to be drawn in by my very own thoughts – the thoughts that tell me I'll live to see the day my own child smiles at me. The thoughts that tell me to press on – to not give up. I want to give up, Chandler!"

"No – please don't give up. You can't give up!"

"That's what I mean! I'm so intoxicated by this – this life – this place – it's gotten hold of me. I can't give up. This place, this hall of shadows – it speaks to your soul – and it gives you a taste of the light, so you want it so badly you keep on bleeding for your freedom. But it never comes." She paused and he stared at her, overwhelmed, saying everything and nothing at all. She looked him in the eye, and softly, innocently, she whispered, "Chandler... does the dawn haunt you, too?"

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