I FEEL HORRIBLE!
I almost posted chapter six without posting chapter five because I was sure I had posted chapter five. To put it in some other terms: This happened with chapter four as well. I don't know how long I've had chapter five finished and not posted, but I just finished chapter six (it's short, though), so obviously it's been a while.
Okami Youkai- Please don't die laughing... That'd be bad. (Yes, Kuwabara's a man, but so is Hiei... And Kurama. And... and... and... Well, let's just say there's a lot more men out there that are better than Kuwabara, so we can't judge the entire sex just by him... BUT WOMEN ARE BETTER, BECAUSE SHADOW IS A WOMAN. And I'm a woman and I created Shadow... So ha. :D)
Draikitha- They were unconscious... And they had a comment on Hiei and Kurama's argument... So they said it while they were supposed to be unconscious. It was just me being weird.
What2callmyself- I don't think they're equals, but neither is better than the other. It's kinda impossible, cuz if one isn't better and they aren't equals, what are they? Non-existant... There are some men that are better than some women and some women that are better than some men but really it just kinda balances out. Sorta. In a way. Maybe. Forget it. WOMEN ARE BETTER! ;D
Heavenfire Hellfury- I know how irritating it is to wait for updates, especially on a really good story and you just wanna read the next chapter so bad and then the person takes THREE MONTHS TO UPDATE and you have to re-read the entire story to remember what happened. Sorry that I happened to be like that with this story... and a few others...
Phoenixblade- Good Lord, child, you write long freakin' reviews... I started reading Purple High, but I think it had like a million chapters and I never got around to finishing it... Ah. You forgot how to say 'towel'? Have you ever been looking for something then realized you're holding it? I do that a lot. I forget my name sometimes. And I almost called my dog Shadow once, and that's not her name... O.o My mom called me Misty before and that's my dog's name. I forget the most obvious things, things I've known since kindergarten, like that milk does NOT go in the cabinet, and you throw away the candy WRAPPER, not the candy. Heh heh.
Silver Sniper- Glad you liked it.
kaida13- I think I was aiming to put scary images in peoples heads... Yup, I was. ::gets hit with a stick::
Mari Youma- Summer is a time of 80 degree weather, lots of sun, annoying neighborhood children screaming and riding 3-year-old's bikes around when they're only a year younger than ME, and having no air conditioning and no sticks long enough to hit the annoying kids with while still managing to stay in front of the computer. (That's why I have headphones. So I can pretend they don't exist. I do a good job of that.) In other words, summer is not a really happy time. BUT I'M HAPPY! ::dances around until she falls over from heat exhaustion::
C.C.C.- I know superiority doesn't exist but neither does equality. But I can't help but feel superior... Cuz I am! (Heh heh. Superiority conplex? DEITY COMPLEX)
Crystal of dark- Heh heh heh. Nice going. Maul the Kurama.
Hakudoshi-chan- You may never know... ::Twilight Zone music plays::
ryuugitsune- What would be cool? Being mauled with a frying pan?
Bar-Ohki- 1) I control my anger so well it's like I'm not even angry! BECAUSE I'M NOT! Nothing makes me mad, really. I'm just an extremely happy person. OH GOD! I'M BECOMING SHADOW! AHHHHHH! 2) Yes, well I've never gone to that extent... But that's true. Women can scare just about anybody when they're mad. GRR. 3) Shadow wouldn't get herself killed, she'd be like #2 and blow up the world. Then she'd drift in space until she got to Pluto and discovered the mutant snow creatures dwelling there. 4) Has Botan been in any of my stories?
Yayo- -sarcastically- Have you ever read my stories before? -serious- Of COURSE it was random! Random is one of those many names between my first and last!
Mimiko7- ... I'm debating whether Michael Jackson is really a man or not. He got so much plastic surgery stuff, I mean, they took off his nose, who knows what else they could have taken off...? Ahem... Moving on... Women could splice their cells? Eee. Well I still say men should be kept underground in cages as slaves and breeding stock and let women run the world.
xkuroxshinobix- ::salutes:: Yes, well, two months isn't really soon... Except you reviewed on June 28th... So... July 21st isn't two months...
Shessha's Crazy- I know. Long ago I decided women should rule the world and men should be kept underground in cages as slaves and breeding stock. In fact, I just mentioned that to Mimiko7 in my reply... I was gonna write a book about it. I had that idea ages upon ages upon decades and centuries ago.
zee- It seems everyone who's reviewed has said that women are superior... But... Everyone who reviewed, I believe, has been a woman, so that explains where that came from....
ONWARD!
CHAPTER FIVE
Not Much
Apparently somebody eventually did something with the girls' unconscious bodies, because the next day Eclipse and Shadow woke up on the couch and in the sacred fluffy reclining chair, respectively. The frying pans were no where to be seen, but that was okay, as both girls had suffered short term memory loss and had no idea why they were lying on the furniture in the living room instead of beds like most normal, respectable people. Then it dawned on them that they are neither normal nor respectable, and there was much rejoicing.
However, they still had all their memories from before they had mauled each other with frying pans, and they remembered Kurama's project. Shadow reached into her pocket and read off the list of annoying things they'd come up with that were more or less characteristic to the male gender (if Yusuke and Kuwabara are good examples of normal boys).
"Slobs. Lazy. Stupid. Useless. Boring. Smelly. Obsessive. Klutz. Arrogant. Oversized ego. Heartless. Ignorant. Sex-obsessed. Too smart? Short? What the heck!?" Shadow said, reading off the list.
"I think at that point we got to Kurama and Hiei."
"Yeah, probably... KURAMA!!!" Shadow shouted.
"HE'S AT SCHOOL!" a voice shouted in her ear. Shadow nearly fell off her chair.
"Don't do that, Hiei."
"Yes ma'am."
"Wow, are you actually going to listen to me?"
"No."
"Dumb man."
"That wasn't very nice."
"Do I care?"
"Apparently not."
"Exactly." She paused. "...Dumb man."
Hiei sighed. "Whatever you say."
"I know. Because I'm always right. It's a woman's trait."
"Sure it is."
"Shut up, Hiei."
"You had 'oversized ego' on the list of faults of guys, but you're the one saying you know everything."
"I'm only telling the truth."
"Sure. Then what's the meaning of the universe?"
"That's classified."
"I'm sure it is."
"It is. God wouldn't tell me, so why should I tell you?"
"Yeah, like God'd actually talk to you, of all people."
"Koenma does, and isn't he kinda God? Yeah, I kissed him once."
"You WHAT?"
"It was for your benefit, Hiei."
"How was kissing Koenma helping me?"
"Ahem. Shadow, if I recall, you were doing a little more than kissing him," Eclipse spoke up.
"I was what?"
"Yeah... Hiei, she loves it when you're on a mission, or when you're kidnapped. She gets to play the field, ya know?" Eclipse said. Shadow was goggling in disbelief, Hiei was goggling in disgust, and Eclipse was enjoying every minute of it.
"She what?" Hiei stammered.
"Yeah... She goes up to Reikai, Koenma's office, clears off his desk..."
Shadow and Hiei both made disgusted gagging noises.
"Like I'd ever have sex with somebody who still sucks on a pacifier!"
"I bet he could suck on some other stuff, if you're interested, Hiei," Eclipse said. Hiei screamed in horror. Shadow choked, somewhere between disgust and amusement.
"What the hell has gotten into you, Eclipse Shinomori?" she snapped, deciding for disgust. After all, they were talking about Koenma here, and Koenma was the last person Hiei would ever... No, actually Kuwabara was probably the last, but Koenma was pretty far down there. Besides, Hiei's straight! Why would he--
"What's gotten into me, you ask?" Eclipse said. "Well... I really don't know, but it's probably not good."
"Most definitely!"
Meanwhile, Hiei was gagging in the bathroom.
"I mean, you're talking about Koenma... and Hiei... being... together! THAT'S SICK! YOU ARE A SICK, SICK GIRL! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR... THAT'S DISGUSTING! EW!" Shadow kept screeching and shuddering and eventually curled up and rocked back and forth on her heels muttering under her breath.
"Maha! Score one!"
"Score what? What are you doing, keeping track of how many times you can disgust me?" Shadow asked suddenly. Eclipse smirked. "Get stuffed!"
"Huh?"
"Yeah, well I bet I could disgust you!"
"You wanna bet?"
"Isn't that what I just said?"
"I think so. I wasn't really listening."
"SHINOMORI, YOU ARE DEAD! I SHALL PREVAIL!" And with that, Shadow ran off to plot evil things in her room.
Now, you realize that this is really screwed up. Shadow and Eclipse are waging war against the guys and Kurama's project, and Shadow and Eclipse are waging a who-can-be-more-disgusting war between each other. This will either be really interesting, really perverted, or really stupid. Probably the latter. I'll probably wish I'd deleted it.
Hours later...
"Okay, that stupid Civics teacher moved up the due date for this project! It is now due next Tuesday. It's like... Thursday now. I need to seriously start taping," Kurama said, pulling out his camcorder and focusing it on his next victim. Yusuke.
"Yusuke, are men superior?"
"Of course! Men are strong! Women are weak! Men need to be around to protect the weak women from the evils in this world!"
"Yeah, like blank TV screens!" Eclipse said, popping over his shoulder.
"And full bags of potato chips!" Shadow said, appearing over his other shoulder.
"And more men!" they said in unison. Yusuke grabbed them and flipped them over his shoulders so they were in front of him. He pulled up his shirt.
"DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I SIT IN FRONT OF A TV AND VEGETATE?"
"Yusuke!!! Please, this is for SCHOOL! I'm going to get a zero for all the profanity and nudity!"
"There isn't much nudity," Shadow said. "That's the first thing... However, if you want nudity in it, I'm sure Eclipse would happily comply."
"I'd do what?! HELL NO!"
"Oh, come on, it's nothing he's never seen before..."
Kurama turned off his camera. "What exactly are you talking about?"
"Kurama's never seen me naked!"
"Yeah, that's what you say..."
"Well fine, he's seen me naked if Koenma's seen you naked."
"What if he has?"
Eclipse gagged. "Has he?"
"Perhaps."
Eclipse hacked and screeched and ran into the bathroom, yelling about bad images. There was a long silent pause, then Yusuke spoke up.
"Has Koenma seen you naked?"
And Yusuke didn't speak up again for the next four hours due to the fact that he was rather unable to, since most people can't have conscious thought and speak when they are unconscious and hanging by their ankles out a fourth story window.
"Where's Yusuke?"
"Where's who?"
"Yusuke."
"Who's that?"
"Black hair, about yay-high, brown eyes, potty mouth? Ring a bell?"
"Mmm... Nope. Never heard of him."
"Shadow, I'm serious. His mother's on the phone, and she's actually sober!"
"What? Shoot. Well..." Shadow snatched the phone. "Hi, Yusuke's mom? He'll be on in a minute." She ran up the stairs, and up more stairs, and more stairs, until she reached the roof.
And found that Yusuke was no longer hanging by his ankles out the window.
"OH MY GOD, HE'S GONE! HE'S PLUNGED TO HIS DEATH SEVERAL DOZEN FEET BELOW! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT OF HIM! HIS MOTHER IS GOING TO BE SO UPSET! AHHHHHH! OH MY--"
"Shadow?"
"--AND BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE, AND--"
"Hey, Shadow?"
"--GUTS! BLOOD AND GUTS! THEY WON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO BURY!"
"Shadow!"
"Maybe there's a finger or an eyeball left... They could preserve it in formaldehyde... Put a big label on it. 'Yusuke Urameshi's remains after falling out a fourth floor window because of flashing some girl he didn't live with but was rather good friends with and accusing her of sleeping with the Prince of Reikai--'"
Yusuke, who'd been trying to get her attention, turned to Hiei, who had followed her up the stairs. "You think she'll realize I'm right behind her anytime soon?"
"Nah. I'll snap her out of it. Your mom's on the phone downstairs."
Yusuke trotted down the stairs. Hiei got close behind Shadow, who was still rambling about what to put on the plaque commemorating Yusuke's remains, and yelled in her ear.
"HEY, SHADOW!!!"
And Shadow promptly fell out the window. There was a loud thud.
"OH MY GOD, NOW I'M DEAD!"
Hiei sighed.
"WHAT'S LEFT OF ME? QUICK, FIND IT AND PUT IT IN A JAR! MAYBE THEY CAN CLONE ME!"
Peering out the window, Hiei saw Eclipse walk out of the house towards Shadow with a baseball bat.
"ECLIPSE! YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME! I'VE DIED, AND I CAN'T FIND MY BODY PARTS!"
There was a horrible crack and Shadow was... still not quiet.
"Stop it! I'm already dead!"
"Maybe I should get Hiei to perform mouth-to-mouth on you then!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Okay."
There were several more cracks and Shadow was finally quiet. Hiei winced. How can one person's skull take so much damage and still be intact? How can one person's skull take so much damage and not be damaged?!
Then, the answer came to him.
Because Shadow Jaganshi...
Doesn't have...
A BRAIN!
Woot woot! You are correct! Ding ding ding ding! Let's cheer for you and look at the grand prize! Oh, what's this? The grand prize is a cracked skull! Your skull? Sweet!
When Hiei managed to get away from the baseball-bat-wielding authoress, he went downstairs to find Kurama's Civics project playing on the TV. He watched it, his eyes getting wider each minute and his mouth hanging open, and by the end, his jaw was nearly on the floor and his eyes were threatening to pop.
"Wow, Kurama, you're really screwed."
"No, you guys are! Shadow is! Because it's her fault that it's so awful! She went to school for several months, she doesn't understand how important this is!!! SO SHE RUINS IT!"
"Don't forget Eclipse."
"AND HER! SHE'S JUST... HORRIBLE! I've never seen her naked! What the heck was Shadow saying that for?"
"Why does everything always return to Shadow? She's like, a giant, super, mega, ultra strong magnet, and everything goes towards her."
"Nice simile, Hiei."
"Nice what?"
"Never mind."
"We're screwed?" Shadow and Eclipse appeared out of no where and scared the crap out of the two demons. "Who's the lucky guy?"
Kurama nearly exploded at the sight of them, but Hiei said sarcastically, "It's Kuwabara."
"AW, SICK!" Eclipse squawked.
"You know you'd like it, Eclipse," Shadow said dryly, looking idly at her fingernails. Eclipse kicked her. "That didn't hurt." Eclipse kicked her again. "OW! That still didn't hurt, Kuwa-lover."
Eclipse tackled her friend and they strangled each other until both of them passed out.
"Didn't you have another interview to do?" Hiei asked.
"Let's see... Got Shadow and Eclipse... You... Baka... and Yusuke. Two more. I have to get a girl and a guy, because Kuwabara's was COMPLETELY useless cuz he had no idea what he was talking about and I don't think I'll be using it."
"Koenma and Botan," Hiei suggested.
"Keiko, maybe," Kurama muttered.
"Nah. Botan."
"Shizuru?"
"Oh my God, Kurama, you're seriously not getting any better. Shizuru would kick your ass for asking that!" Hiei said, laughing.
"I'd better get started, anyway. Let's start with Koenma." The two headed out of the house, stepping over two unconscious girls on the way out but not particularly caring.
.................................................................
I know why I didn't post this as soon as I finished it. Because I wasn't sure I wanted that whole freak-out competition between Shadow and Eclipse in this story as permanent, but it looks like it's there to stay... Oh well. It might resurface again, but then again it might not...