Title: Graduation Day
Author: greatunironic
Disclaimer: I only lay claim to Noah, Mary, and the other kiddly-winks in Carson's graduation class
Feedback: Hit me at or press the little button
Summary: Nothing will ever, ever be right again. YoungBeckettAngst
Etc.: Props to courtknee for encouraging me to do this. Thanks! I, as some of you know, like death and when I saw that Carson had no father in the scene where he's home, I knew I had to kill him off. Also, there's a slight crossover. I give Carson a pen-pal whose father also has cancer. You don't really need to know much about the other show because this happens before the show starts up. Enjoy.
The hospital smells very clean, like it's been scrubbed down at least three times that morning; but there's a harder smell underneath it, something more antiseptic and sick. It smells like Carson thinks death would. But then, Carson is only fifteen and so what should he know of death and the accompanying smell? (Or so people remind him every day; you are only fifteen, Car.)
He, with his mother and father, has been coming to this hospital since his sixth birthday. They come to get his father his chemotherapy. Sometimes, his father has to stay over night in one of the rooms. Usually, it's the same room, so Carson sometimes gets to know the patient that stays permanently in it. It's gotten easier to walk into the room and not see the same person he saw there yesterday.
They go once a week to get the therapy for his father. Carson stays in the waiting room while his mother is with his father. He usually brings a book to read while he waits for his father to be done. Every once in a while, though, one of the nurses would take him to her station and she shows him what she is doing. He likes it when the nurses show him their jobs and let him help them. He likes helping people.
Carson thinks that, maybe, when he graduates (which is only in two years; he can't wait), he could become a doctor. He could help people on a regular basis. He knows that he would like that, helping people all the time. And maybe, just maybe, he could find a cure for his father's cancer. He smiles when he thinks of that.
Right now, Carson is sitting in the hospital room where they're holding his father. He's sitting in one of those ridiculously uncomfortable chairs that they keep in the patient's room. His mother is on the other side of his father's bed, sleeping. His father is asleep too. The chemotherapy takes a lot out of him. Carson can't help but marvel at his mother and father. They're both such strong people.
The lights are dim in the room, few and far between. The curtains are closed, though even if they were open it wouldn't help: it has been raining for the past three days, not stopping. A young, pretty nurse comes into the room and smiles at Carson. She claps her hand on his shoulder.
"Do you want me to get something to help you sleep?" she asks.
Carson shakes his head. He can never sleep when his father is here. She nods and goes to his father's IV. Carson stops her as she goes to inject something into the IV. He asks her if he might be able to try that. He shyly tells her he thinks he wants to be a doctor. She smiles at him and hands him the needle. The pretty nurse instructs him on how to put the needle into the IV correctly. When he does it (and properly), she tells Carson that he's a natural. He smiles shyly at the nurse as she leaves. He liked doing that.
He goes back into his seat by his father's bed and settles down to watch him sleep. After a few minutes, Carson's mind begins to wander, thinking about all the good he might someday do if he becomes a doctor. He smiles to himself and files the information away to write into a letter to his American pen-pal, Josh, whose father was also sick. He knows Josh will like the idea of Carson becoming a doctor and looking for the cure to their respective fathers' sicknesses.
Carson is so into his thoughts that he is startled to look up and find his father watching him. Carson holds out his hand and his father weakly takes it.
"What are ye smiling about, son?" asks his dad.
"I was thinking about Josh," tells Carson.
His father nods. "Ah, the Lyman boy. How is his da?"
"Josh says he's doing well," replies Carson.
"Are ye still going to visit him in America this summer?" Carson nods as well and then leans forward, so he was closer to his father.
"Papa," he says, "I think I'm going to be a doctor."
Sutherland Beckett smiles at his son. "That's a fine idea, son," he says. He closes his eyes and Carson watches him fall asleep with a smile on his face.
--------------------
two years later
It's graduation day and Carson is nervous. His hands are shaking and he's playing with the cuffs of his gown. He's going to be on of the first students out (Why did his last name begin with a 'B'? It wasn't fair.). He could see the crowd. He sees his mother sitting near the front, holding a camcorder (she was recording it not only for herself and his father, but for Carson's good friend and pen-pal from America, Josh, who had wanted to come but couldn't get out of school). Carson's father was sitting next to his mother, smiling. He was to go to his chemo that night while Carson was at a graduation party. (Carson really didn't want to go to the party with his father getting the therapy, but his father made him.)
Carson's hands are sweating as the first name is called. He closes his eyes and breathes. He shouldn't have anything to worry about. He has been accepted into Cambridge; he's applying to Magdalene College and is almost positive he's going to get in. He was going to become a doctor.
He opens his eyes when his name is called.
He freezes and someone pushes him forward. He looks back and smiles at Mary Blake, who smiles back and pushes him again, gently. He takes a deep breath and walks out into the clapping.
------
Noah MacKenzie cracks open a bottle of champagne. Carson is standing next to him, opening a bottle of sparkling cider. (As the youngest member of the graduating class, Carson is one year to young to be drinking the champagne.) Mary Blake is coming through the door, directing some of the guys in the class as to where the green and white balloons should go. Noah and Carson start pouring drinks. Noah lifts a glass up after everyone gets their drink and so does Carson. Together, they yell:
"We've graduated!"
There are cheers from the class and music starts playing. One of the girls starts to dance with Noah and Carson drinks his drink. He smiles, watching the balloons. They're dancing like Noah and the girl across the ceiling. Carson sways to the music and closes his eyes, thinking about the future.
Someone taps Carson on the arm, and he opens his eyes. Mary Blake is standing there, holding a phone and looking distressed.
"Carson..."
"Mary!" Carson yells joyfully. He takes her arm and spins her. "Look happy! We've graduated!" He tries to drag her out to dance. "Come dance with me!"
"No, Carson," she says. Her voice is shaking and she is getting paler by the second. "Your da died."
He stops, staring at Mary. "What?"
"You da, Carson," she whispers. "He's dead."
His chin starts to shake. His father? His father was...dead? His hands started to shake again. He turns and walks shakily out of the room. He walks down the hallway of the hotel they were having the party in. There are some people in the hallway as he walks. He goes down to the lobby and walks out. He walks unsteadily to his car and falls into the driver's seat.
Carson goes to his home. The lights are on in the living room, but he can't go in, because he knows he'll start crying, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to cry. He hasn't cried since he was six and he found that his father had cancer. He thinks about calling Josh to tell him what has happened, but he doesn't.
He pulls the car out of park and drives away. His hands grip the steering wheel until the knuckles turn white. He didn't graduate sooner, he thinks, upset; he couldn't find the cure, and it is too late to because his father is dead. He is going to medical school, now, for something that is already gone. He takes a shaky breath. But maybe he can help other people, like Josh's dad. Part of him says that it doesn't matter anymore.
And he drives around with the windows down, the night air cooling his aching head and the moonlight on his skin. Carson drives around for a long time with no destination in mind. He drives for so long that it is soon four a.m. and Carson has no idea where he is. He thinks he may be in England now. He ends up stopping the car in an empty field and leaning his forehead against the steering wheel.
Papa...
Carson Beckett cries himself to sleep in his car.