Title: Gundam Diaries Part 21 ~ Heero

Author: Makoto Sagara

Category: Romance, Angst

Pairings: 5x2, 3x4, 1+2, R+1 (both one-sided)

Rating: R/NC-17

Warnings: Shonen-ai!, violence, language, angst, OOC, near-Zero System Q!?

Disclaimers: Me? Own Gundam Wing? What ever you are on, could you please share? I think I could use it. Also, I really *don't* own the lyrics to Incubus' The Warmth, just wish I owned Brandon Boyd though. Make no money. *points to empty back account* Yeah, so, um, no suing, kay?

A/N: I am *surprised* at how many people liked chapter 20. I think that I was just at the point where I needed a new point of view to work with. Thanks for everyone who reviewed. I appreciate it to no end.

Dedication: To Jadeduo, who I have warped to liking 5x2, if nothing but for this fic alone. ~_^ Love you girlie. You rock my socks! *gigglz* Oh, I have a gift for you, lovely. *hands you a Hee-chan plushie* He needs *lots* of love now.

Symbols: *blah* emphasized thought

                ~blah~ song lyrics

                 *~*~* Major scene change

                 *~~~* Minor scene change

April 14th, AC 195…23:45:21

I sit in my room as I write this. My actions in the last two days have been anything but stellar, and I am starting to feel guilty. I know what guilt feels like. I remember killing many innocents in that first mission J sent me on. I still wake from my nightmares, haunted by the little girl and her dog, Mary.

I watched as Duo and Chang met the other night at Chang's door. I then went and typed on my laptop. I slept very little that night, images of Duo running through my head. All the times he had touched me, and I had spurned him. To think that I could have had that wonderfully enticing American as my own, in my bed, was eating me alive. For the first time in my life, I truly hated myself and all the training I have been given my whole life.

I woke up the next morning feeling lost, angry, and most of all, alone. I felt truly hollow. I was on my way to the kitchen when I saw Duo, his beautiful golden-brown hair flowing around him. My heart stopped. He looked fully satiated and utterly gorgeous. When he finally saw me, I received an annoyed look.

"Nani, Hee-chan?" he asked.

"Your… hair," I lamely replied. I really couldn't express what that sight was doing to my body and mind. I watched as his hand flew up for the braid, and a look of extreme annoyance, and something else entirely foreign to what I was used to seeing from him, crossed his heart-shaped face.

"Eh, going to take a shower. Sorry," he replied, ducking into the bathroom, and slamming the door in my face. I suppose that I deserved it. I just stood there gawking at him, not even saying anything of any real importance.

Thinking that it was an *excellent* way to start my day, I walked downstairs into the kitchen. As soon as I walked through the threshold, Quatre greeted me with a cup of coffee. I must have looked like I needed, because he never does that. I gratefully accepted the strong beverage, and sat down at the table. I vaguely remember mentioning that I saw Duo with his hair down to my comrades.

Quatre and Trowa just exchanged looks. Then, the blond shrugged, and walked out of the kitchen, saying he was going to check on Duo. While he was away, I received a plate of breakfast food from Trowa, who made one for his lover and himself and sat down. A few moments later, Quatre reappeared, and we ate in silence. That is, until Duo walked in, with a look of contentment and satiation.

"'Fei had a mission," he said. I really hated Chang at that moment, but I was glad for his absence. Maybe that would allow me time to actually talk to Duo, without him becoming uncomfortable or whatever that was the last time we talked alone.

"So, where is the food you mentioned, Q? I'm staaaaaaaaaaaarved."

"Not surprising," Trowa said, pointing to the counter where the food was laid out in a buffet-style setting.

"Yay! Food!" he squealed, snatching up a plate and heaping it with enough food to feed two people at least. Then, he sat in "his" chair, the one closest the refrigerator, and started to shovel the food into his mouth. "So, what's the game plan for today?"

Quatre spoke first. "Well, I have some more work for Instructor H to do. I don't know about anyone else."

What the hell did I have to do that day? Not much of anything. I had a full report to type for J, but other than that, I couldn't really think of anything else. However, the look on Duo's face told me he had plans for something that I would definitely regret if I went along with it. So, I said the first thing that came to my mouth. "I have some reports to type up," I said, and took a drink from my newly refilled mug, avoiding any farther comments.

"I have already typed up my report to Doktor S, so, I suppose nothing really," Trowa said, which resulted in Maxwell looking like a fish out of water, and that made Trowa frown in confusion. "What?"

Winner snickered at the situation. Needless to say, it *was* a rather amusing situation. "Nothing, Hennuna. It's just that the multitude aren't used to you speaking so much," he said, placing a hand on his lover's arm.

"No, it's just that Duo talks too much to realize that others are speaking," I said, which earned me a glare from Duo.

"Don't you have some reports to work on, Ice-man?" he asked, sneering, and continued to eat.

I clinched my jaw, and quickly drained the contents of my mug. As soon as I was done, I placed it in the sink, and walked swiftly out of the kitchen. I absentmindedly walked into the hangar, and stood in front of Wing Zero, lost in thought. You can imagine what I was thinking about. Duo… and him with his hair down, bending over, pert ass in the air, begging me to fuck him.

I shook my head of those thoughts. What the hell were they going to do for me, besides give me an uncomfortable erection and not much else? I decided that some work on Wing would be good for me. I climbed up into the cockpit, and looked around my Gundam. This was the only thing I had that was truly mine, I suppose, besides my laptop, and both were signs of everything I hated about this damn war.

Suddenly, a bright red spot caught my attention. I stepped up to it, and saw that it was a bow wrapped around what appeared to be a CD case. I pulled it from behind the bag that I had left in there the day before and saw that there was a note attached to it. My stomach lurched as I saw Duo's sprawling script flowing across the stiff paper of the card.

"Heya Hee-chan,

      "Dunno when you are gonna get this. Maybe never. Who knows?

     "Anyway, I was looking for some CDs for myself when I was in a town not too long ago, and I saw this one. (I already have all their albums myself.) I think you might like them. They aren't loud and pounding, but they aren't pop either. Neither really fit you, but this group is perfect. This is their best CD, in my own opinion, and I thought I would share it with you.

   "Listen to number four. That's about it.

                                                                        ~ Duo"

I blinked at the CD case, which was still wrapped in the brown paper. Judging from the amount of dust clinging to it, this gift must have been sitting in here for over three weeks, before he kissed me and all this melodrama started. I mentally berated myself. If only I had handled the kiss better, I would have him right now.

Talking a deep breath, I ripped the bow and paper off the case, revealing a CD by some group called Incubus entitled Make Yourself.  I flipped the CD over and looked at the title of track four: The Warmth. What the hell was he trying to say? I sighed. It couldn't be *that* bad, and I never would have to tell anyone that I listened to it afterwards.

I sat in my chair, and placed the hideous orange disk into the drive. I skipped to track four, like Duo suggested, and the first thing that reach my ears was the sound of whales. Interesting. I sat back into the chair and listened to the lyrics. I will put them here for future reference.

~I'd like to close my eyes and go numb,~

~but there's a cold wind coming from~

~the top of the highest high-rise today~

~It's not a breeze, cause it blows hard~

~Yes, and it wants me to discard the humanity I know,~

~watch the warmth blow away~

~So don't let the world bring you down~

~Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold~

~Remember why you came and while you're alive~

~Experience the warmth before you grow old~

~So, do you think I should adhere~

~to that pressing new frontier?~

~and leave in my wake a trail of fear(?)~

~Or should I hold my head up high~

~and throw a wrench in spokes by~

~leaving the air behind me clear?~

~So don't let the world bring you down~

~Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold~

~Remember why you came and while you're alive~

~Experience the warmth before you grow…~

~So don't let the world bring you down~

~Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold~

~Remember why you came and while you're alive~

~Experience the warmth before you grow old~

~before you grow old~

~where did it go?~

~where did it go?~

~where did it go?~

~where did it go?~

I was blown away by the message in the song. No one had ever sent something like this to me. It was deep, and oddly touching. I did not think that the Baka had such depth to him, but of course the only side he had ever shown me was his clownish, annoying side. I was suddenly struck with an intense pang of loneliness. I hated myself more at that moment than at any other moment in my life.

I was at a total lost for what I was supposed to do now. Should I thank him for the very thoughtful and personal gift? Should I not mention it? Pondering these questions, I sat back and listened to the CD from the beginning. Most of the songs weren't anything to mention, but there were a few others that I did enjoy. The longer I sat there listening to the music, the angrier I became with myself.

Before I actually thought about what I was doing, I had taken the small disk out of the drive of Wing and smashed it into many tiny pieces. I stared at the shattered plastic in my hand, and instantly regretted following my emotions at that time. Duo had actually taken the time to find something specifically for me, and in an moment of anger, I had destroyed it.

I dropped the pieces still in my hand, and left Wing's cockpit. I couldn't take the fact that I had just ruined something so important. I made my way, testily, back into the house and into the study. I stopped at the door. The house was oddly quiet. The only thing I could hear was typing coming from the TV room, which could only be Quatre. I peeked in for a moment, and sure enough, the blond was hunched over his laptop and had papers strewn all over the coffee table. I left him alone.

"They're out for the day, Heero. They should be back by dinner time," Quatre's voice rang through the house.

"A-Arigatou, Quatre."

How in the hell? (Isn't that what Duo would say?) I really hate it when he does things like that.

Ignoring Quatre's near-psychic moment, I headed into the study, and began to start working on a program that I was designing. One that would wipe all of OZ and the Alliance's computers with a simple press of a button. I lost all sense of time, I was so absorbed into my programming. I was brought out of my trance by the sound of approaching turbine engines. Chang was home. Shimatta.

I never moved from the study. I was trying to avoid any confrontations with Chang. I only left the study when I heard Trowa and Duo come home, and Quatre walked up to the door, knocking politely.

"Hai?" I asked, knowing full well what he was going to say.

"Trowa and Duo are home, and we're going to have dinner soon," he said to the still shut door. I saved my work, and walked over to the door, opening it slightly.

"Fine." I walked past him, and into the kitchen. Duo and Trowa were helping themselves to the assorted Chinese takeout, and there were plates situated on the counter. More of the buffet style eating. Interesting. Winner must be throwing himself into his work, if this was the result. I took a plate, placing some food on it, and sat down at the table.

I sat eating as the other three rambled on about their day's happenings. Duo was so lively, and even Trowa had an energy about him that was totally unrecognizable. No one spoke to me, which was fine with me, as I was still wondering about the gift that the Baka gave me. It also surprised me that Chang had not shown up at dinner, but the longer I was away from him, the better.

When I was finished eating, I placed my plate in the sink, and then walked back to the study. I attempted to work some more on my program, but I couldn't concentrate, and it got worse when I heard Duo in the TV room. I stood from the desk and watched him place a disk into the player and then sit on the couch.

I was mildly interested in what he was going to watch, so I sat next to him. He gave me a dirty look, but hit the play button. I looked forward quickly, my hands balled into fist in my lap, and a scowl firmly in place on my face. When I was sure he was paying more attention to the movie than me, I snuck a look at him.

He was truly in his element, and the sight of him made my chest hurt, unbearably so. His eyes were shining, and he was smiling as the movie started up. I hardly paid any attention to what it was that he was watching.

I was surprised when he turned to me. "Something wrong, Hee-chan?" he asked.

I have no idea what I was even thinking at the time, but the next thing I knew, I had grabbed him roughly, and was kissing him. He tried to struggle to get away from me, but I just held onto him tighter, trying to make him reciprocate my kiss.

Suddenly, someone was ripping Duo out of my arms, and I vaguely saw the American hit the coffee table, which shattered under the force, and Chang threw himself at me. That resulted in tipping the couch over, and we spilled onto the floor, but we both sprang up, and launched into a primitive flurry of punches and kicks.

I felt a few of his hits actually catch their mark, but I know that I had landed a few of my own in on him.

"WUFEI! STOP!" Duo yelled, though he sounded far off to me. The next thing I could grasp, he was coming closer. "STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!" He jumped in between us, just as I was aiming a punch for that Chinese shiseiji(1), which hit Duo square in the chest. There was a sickening crack as my hit landed, and then, Chang's foot connected with the American's head. I watched in slow motion as Duo's eyes grew into large saucers, and then, in horror as he flew against the wall, leaving a large trail of blood as he slumped to the floor. I turned back to my opponent, who was mirroring my own feelings in his eyes.

"El Khara Dah?(2)" Quatre yelled from the door, running to Duo's unconscious body. "Trowa," he whispered, and I could hear the fear in his voice, which sent Trowa running over to him and the American. "There's blood." He showed his hand that had been at Duo's head. It was covered in the red liquid. Quatre then looked up at the wall. "And it's on the wall too."

I glared daggers at Chang, who was returning one to me with equal desire. I could tell he was waiting for the next opportunity to hit me again. I was surprised when Trowa started yelling.

"Avez-vous *perdus* les esprits?(3) Look! You could have killed each other, fine! But look at what happened to Duo!"

I looked again, and what I saw turned my stomach. Not that I hadn't seen and done worse, but that I had done this to someone who was my friend, and would have been more if I hadn't been such a baka.

Trowa picked the fallen Duo up, and carried him out of the room and up the stairs. That's when Quatre turned on us, yelling in Arabic and English.

"Allah Yela'an (4) Heero and Wufei, for being the *stupidest* Asians to walk on this Earth! You are both such Wad al harams.(5) I ought to kill you both."

"Win-" Chang started.

"Ahhlass!(6) You are both going to keep your mouths SHUT! You are both so goddamn stupid." He turned to me first. "You, you hmar(7), could have had Duo a *long* time ago, if only you didn't have your head up your ASS!"

I said nothing. He was correct. If I hadn't been so…stupid, I would more than likely have Duo, instead of having to watch him with Chang.

"Zarba(8)! Chang, inti mafish Makh(9)! You *HAVE* Duo, and yet you don't trust him?! Or is it that you are so ready to find a reason to fight with Heero that this was a better opportunity than you hoped for?"

I blinked. I had never seen Winner, who was normally so polite and soft spoken, except during the whole Zero-System incident, so outraged. His face was an unhealthy shade of red, and I was a bit unnerved by his unusual behaviour.

"Qua-" I tried.

"NO! Said Bousak(10)! I AM NOT DONE WITH EITHER OF YOU!" he yelled, even louder than before. "If I *ever* catch *either* of you doing something so fucking stupid, I will kill you both. Omae o korosu, Heero, and unlike you, I will follow up on that promise." He turned his back on the both of us.

"*I* am going to check on Duo, now. You are both going to stay here, or you can go to your rooms. I don't care. But *NEITHER* of you will be seeing Duo unless he asks to see you. I don't care if you kill each other. Go ahead, for all I care!" He left the room.

Chang looked at me.

"Jigoku ni ike(11)," I growled, and walked into the study, slamming the door behind me. I was left all on my own then. Before then, I didn't think that it was truly possible for me to feel more guilty than I did before, but I was wrong. So wrong. Quatre was right.

The silence in the house was deafening. I couldn't take it. There was not one electronic device on in the house. Duo was unconscious, and therefore quiet, and, well, everyone else was probably upstairs, even that kusottare(12), Chang. Speaking of which, why in the hell did he come home so fucking early? I though the jerk had a mission.

That thought gave me an idea. I booted up my forgotten laptop, and when it was operational, I went into the Doctors database. After a few minutes of searching, I found not only his mission specs, but the report as well. I opened them both up. It seemed a simple mission. One that any of us could have done in our sleep, even Quatre, and his report seemed to reflect that sentiment. I looked a little farther and saw that he had reported a small injury. A small bullet hole in his right calf. I wonder if he bothered to tell anyone. He didn't seem to be favoring his right leg during our fight.

I sat back in the leather chair to think about this new discovery. I wonder if anyone else would notice this little piece of information, especially Duo. How was he going to keep this from him?

That thought made my guilt swim back up to the surface. I wanted to see how he was doing. After fighting within myself for a few more minutes, I shut the lid to my laptop and headed upstairs to see if Duo was awake yet.

When I reached the American's room, I could see Trowa sitting next to the bed, and Quatre standing not too far from his lover. The boy on the bed didn't look conscious yet. Taking a deep breath, I knocked on the open door. Both Trowa and Quatre turned their heads to look at me, and suddenly, Quatre was in my face.

"Go. To. The. Study. Don't. Come. Back. Unless. I. Tell. You," he ground out. He looked as if he were trying hard not to yell at me again, or to wake up Duo. Then, the door was slammed in my face.

I took that as a sign that Duo was ok at least, and went back down the stairs, but not before shooting a dark look at Wufei's door. I walked into the open TV room and saw the damaged beyond repair coffee table and flipped over couch. Cursing Chang's anger, I carefully picked up the larger pieces of battered wood out to the garbage bins on the side of the house. I then took a broom and dust pan and swept up the smaller pieces, throwing them away too.

That done, I righted the couch, sitting in the same spot Duo was about an hour ago. I could think of nothing but the look of surprise and hurt both times I had hit Duo. The first time it was because he kissed me, and I was more surprised by his action. The second time, he jumped between Chang and I. What the hell was he thinking?

Sighing, I kicked off my boots, and laid down on the couch, just going over that look on the Baka's face. I closed my eyes to rid myself of the replaying image, but it wouldn't go away. That is when I resorted to something I have never done before. I looked for the remote to the disk player, and watched the movie that I had interrupted Duo from enjoying.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I suppose I must have fallen asleep during the movie, because the next thing I knew, I heard footsteps on the staircase. I grabbed my boots, and moved into the study. No one needed to know that I had slept on the couch, instead of my own room. I looked out of the still open door, and saw Chang, in clean clothes and looking like he had just stepped out of the shower, head for the kitchen.

I walked out of the study, and didn't stop walking until I reached my own room, which was of course, right next to Duo's. I dropped my boots on the floor, and heard Quatre and Trowa walking in the hall. I waited until I couldn't hear them anymore, and went and took a quick shower.

When I was dressed and had my boots back on, I left my room, heading for the hangar. I stopped in front of Wing Zero again, just staring at the other Gundams that were nearby. Deathscythe Hell had seen better days, and I doubt that Duo had had much time to work on it. Sandrock and Heavyarms were fine. Altron seemed to be ok, and Wing Zero, well, it was in working condition.

I spent the rest of the day doing diagnostics checks, making sure all the systems were in working order, and other things. I was looking for anything that would keep my mind off of the others, and what transpired the night before. I can't really calculate how long I actually stayed down in the hangar. I only left when I finally realized that I was hungry.

I walked out of the hangar, and up into the house, when I heard Duo's voice ring from the television room. "God dammit, Wufei, I don't need two mother hens! It's bad enough that Q was shooting concerned looks at me throughout the whole movie! I've *had* worse!" There was a pause, and suddenly his voice rang out again. "And the next stupid person who asks how I feel will get a fist. I promise."

He seemed to be doing better, but I wanted to make sure. I was hardly worried about him hitting me, because if he did, I would more than deserve it. I walked silently into the dining room, and there Duo was, sitting down, looking very tired. Suddenly, he grew rigid, glaring daggers at me.

"Go away," he muttered. He was upset, and I didn't really want to leave him alone by himself. His glare darkened.

"I said GO AWAY, YUY!"

"Are you ok, Duo?" I asked, tentatively. I was mildly surprised when he leapt from his chair, strode purposefully to where I was, and punched me so hard I had to take a step back. He then walked out of the room. I just stood there, blinking, trying not to think about the fact that I had just excited Duo to hit me. I just walked into the study, and stared at the walls around me.

I was brought out of my trance by Trowa's voice.

"I'm sorry, Heero. I will leave you be," he said, and I turned around to face him. By the look on his face, I could tell that my face was anything but pretty.

"It's ok, Trowa." Really, I had to talk to someone.

"Duo hit you that hard?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Aa. I heard him yelling about being mother-henned to death."

"So you had to make him angry?"

"No, I asked him how he was feeling so he would hit me." I could tell that he wasn't expecting that answer to his question.

"Excuse me?"

"I can't think of any other way to apologize to him."

"You are the one who cracked his ribs?"

"Aa. And Chang kicked him in the head. I didn't mean it, Trowa. He stepped in between us. I doubt that Chang meant it either." I couldn't keep the words from spilling from my mouth. I know that I had to tell someone about what was going on with me, and all I had was Trowa, seeing as how J wouldn't understand and Duo was the one who was causing me such inner-turmoil.

"I don't know why you and Wufei were fighting, but whatever it is, give it up. If you want Duo to be friends with you again, which you aren't right now, then you *have* to apologize to him. Not let him punch you while he is weary and in pain."

"I know." Everything he had said was true. I was being an idiot, and I was *definitely* loosing what ever friendship we may have had left.

"Then give him some time to calm down, and then talk to him, without causing Wufei to become angry. What did you do exactly?"

 "I kissed Duo."

"Merde! You are a real idiot, Heero Yuy!" I watched as my last 'friend' left me alone. I could do nothing about it. All of this was my fault, and everyone else had brought that to my attention, quite forcefully a few times. I forgot all about the hunger pains that had brought me into the house, and I started to work on my earlier abandoned program.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was brought out of my self-induced trance by the sounds of laughs and voices coming from the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen to see the four other pilots eating amicably. I just grabbed a clean plate, put some of the leftovers on it, sat down, ate in silence and left.

I went to the study, grabbed my laptop, and went back to my room. That is where I am now. That damn song that Duo recommended that I listen to is now stuck in my head, and I can't get it to go away. I can only remember that the name of the song is "The Warmth", but not who sings it. It is driving me insane.

Ah, there is the ping from the search engine. Maybe it has finally found the song.

It's by Incubus. How could I forget that? It's such an unusual name. I'm going to download it, and then go to bed.

Oyasumi nasai.

~ Heero Yuy

TBC

(1) Shiseiji – Japanese, "bastard"

(2) El Khara Dah? – Arabic, "What's this shit?"

(3) Avez-vous perdus les esprits? – French, "Have you lost your minds?"

(4) Allah Yela'an… - Arabic, "May Allah curse…"

(5) Wad al harams – Arabic, "Bastards"

(6) Ahhlass – Arabic, "Shut up!"

(7) Hmar – Arabic, "Jackass"

(8) Zarba – Arabic, "Shit!"

(9) Inti mafish Makh – Arabic, "You have no brains!"

(10) Said Bousak! – Arabic, "Shut your mouth!" (sounds like sai-id bo-sak)

(11) Jigoku ni ike – Japanese, "Go to Hell"

(12) kusottare – Japanese, "bastard, asshole"