iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 1/i

Last season, random stuff occured that probably could have started a decent plotline but didn't.

Lord Seth: Welcome to Season 4! This story is already declining in quality enough already, so we've decided to change things a bit. First of all, we'll try to make a continuing storyline, and second of all, no more characters dying and then mysteriously coming back to life thanks to medical miracles! If someone's dead, they're dead for good...well, until Season 5, anyway. So without further ado, here is the story...and by the way, what is ado anyway?

-Black Hole-

Sturm: I'm no good at thinking up evil plans, so I'm going to let Hawke take over. Hawke, you now have unlimited power!

Hawke: As my first act, I order you be excecuted!

Sturm: Can I take that back?

Hawke: Nope.

Sturm: Drat.

Sturm is dragged away and killed.

Hawke: Death number one...

-Orange Star-

Andy: Hmmm. Apparently Black Hole is planning on invading other countries.

Max: What makes you think that?

Andy: Well, other than their big sign that says "We're going to invade other countries!", they're also in the process of invading Orange Star.

Max: Oh. Well, I guess it's time to get the COs together.

Quite a bit later...

Max: Okay, are we all clear on the plan?

Hachi: Will it make me money?

Max: No.

Hachi: Not interested.

Max: Well, uh...it'll let you KEEP your money!

Hachi: Good enough for me!

Meanwhile...

Flak: Why are we invading ORANGE STAR? Why not Green Earth?

Hawke: Heh, heh. This is merely a diversion. The rest of our army is going after Green Earth! Mwahaha!

Meanwhile...

Andy: Yes! My greatest invention is complete!

Sami: What does THIS one do?

Andy: Nothing! That means it can't backfire!

Sami: Wasn't this in Advance Wars 2.5? Well, I'm getting the heck out of here.

Sami leaves.

Andy: I wonder why she left. This machine is harmless it can't do ANYTHING.

The machine falls on Andy and crushes him. A ghost-like Andy stands up from the crushed Andy.

Andy: Hmm. I must be dead.

Pause.

Andy: Cool!

-Red Sun-

Lord Seth: Well, I have no use for you guys anymore. Bye!

Matt: So we're going to cease to exist again?

Lord Seth: Yep.

Matt: Cool! Not existing is the coolest feeling!

Lord Seth: I hate talking with you. But anyway...

-Green Earth-

Drake: I forgot. Did Black Hole attack us yet?

Eagle: I can't remember. But if he did, then it was just false information given to us by Black Hole.

Jess: Why would Black Hole send us fake information telling us they invaded us?!

Eagle: I don't know.

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Ahhh. Being the only consistent intelligent character who doesn't have horrible things happen to them is always nice.

Colin: Bad news! A bunch of black troops have appeared!

Olaf: *gasp* Colin, I can't believe you're racist!

Colin: I'm not racist! I was referring to Black Hole troops!

Grit: *sigh* Let's just go get rid of them.

Later...

Grit: Our Artilleries and Rockets are pointed right at you! You can't win!

Lash: Haha! But my Rockets are pointed at you! Or, to be more precise, Colin!

The rockets all hit Colin. He blows up.

Colin: Man, this sucks!

Grit: FIRE!

All of the Rockets and Artillery hit Lash, killing her.

Olaf: Gee, what's with all the deaths anyway?

bWhat IS with all the deaths? What is Black Hole's master plan? Do they even have a master plan? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b


iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 2/i

Previously, Sturm, Andy, Colin, and Lash were all killed.

-Black Hole-

Hawke: Our plan is succeeding! All is going as planned!

Adder: Even Lash being killed?

Hawke: Even Lash being killed.

Adder: You're not going to get me killed, though, right?

Hawke: We'll see. We'll see.

Adder: *sigh*

Hawke: Now we only need to take over Yellow Comet!

Flak: WHY?!

Hawke: I have my reasons.

Flak: *sigh*

-Yellow Comet-

Sonja: Father! Black Hole is invading!

Kanbei: Really? We must ready the defenses!

Sonja: That was...really intelligent...

Kanbei: Of course it was! I'm always brilliant! Sometimes I may be an idiot, but I'm still brilliant!

Sonja: ...

Kanbei: So let's crush them with superior numbers!

Sonja: But you need to engage them in an area with secure bases! Otherwise they'll get them all and...oh, who am I kidding?

Later...

Kanbei: Yes! We shall now crush them!

Later...

Kanbei: Uh-oh! They captured my HQ because I was so busy attacking! *shrugs* Oh well, guess you can't win them all! But I'll beat them later, right?

Later...

Kanbei: Yes! We have driven back Black Hole!

Sonja: ...Several feet. They've still surrounded us.

Adder: Yellow Comet COs! Come out with your hands up and prepare to be executed!

Sensei: I think we should do what he says.

Kanbei: Why?!

Sensei: Because that would get me out of range of your bad breath. Yuck!

Adder (outside): Ah, screw it, let's just grab them all.

Black Hole soldiers drag Sonja, Kanbei, and Sensei out and push them against the wall.

Adder: Firing squad, are you ready?

Firing squad: No. Someone replaced all our bullets with miniature action figures.

Adder: Aw, I guess we'll have to kill them the old-fashioned way.

Soldier: Use a sword?

Adder: No, drop some anvils on them. Or stuff them full of dynamite. I'm not too particular.

Some Black Hole soldiers drop anvils on Kanbei and Sensei, but Sonja manages to escape before they drop one on her.

Adder: Enh, let her go. I mean, how much damage can one child do?

-Black Hole-

Hawke: Yes! Under my brilliant leadership, we've conquered Yellow Comet! Now to complete our invasion of Orange Star!

-Orange Star-

Nell: Oh great, now we're surrounded and are about to die.

Hachi: Not me!

Hachi pulls out a remote and a helicopter appears. He climbs into it and flies away.

Hachi: I escaped! Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough* Can't breath...

Meanwhile...

Nell: Don't worry! I'm super-lucky, so I'm sure I'll miraculously dodge all the bullets!

Sami: But what about US?!

Nell: Um, nice knowing you?

Max: Quick, scatter! They can't hit us all!

The three run. Sami is gunned down by the Black Hole soldiers, but Nell and Max manage to escape.

Nell: Don't worry. We'll just have to set up a guerrilla fighting force and take back Orange Star.

Max: So let's get some gorillas! Hey, where are gorillas anyway?

Nell: There's one right there!

Nell points at Max.

Max: Are you calling ME a gorilla?

Nell: No, I meant the gorilla behind you!

Max: Uh-oh.

bIs it time for a "uh-oh"? Will Black Hole succeed with their nefarious plan? What does nefarious mean anyway? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b


iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 3/i

bNefarious:/b Flagrantly wicked or impious: EVIL.

Lord Seth: I figured for once, just once, we might as well answer one of the ending questions! Anyway, on with the story!

-Green Earth-

Eagle: I forgot. Did Black Hole invade us?

Jess: I don't think so...

Drake: Well, they sure are now! Look! A lot of black tanks!

Jess: Why are they always black anyway? Why don't they spray-paint their units green so they can sneak up on us?

Hawke (on one of the tanks, writing it down): Hey, that's a great idea, Jess! Thanks!

Jess: Any time.

Hawke: And I shall thank you by...KILLING YOU!!!

Jess: That's not much of a thanks.

Hawke: I know.

The tanks fire and Jess is obliterated.

Hawke: And now for the rest of you!

Hawke looks around and sees no one.

Hawke: Where are they?

A large shadow appears. Hawke looks up and sees a giant bomb.

Hawke: Drat.

The bomb explodes, killing Hawke and whatever was left of the plot.

Eagle (on the bomber): And the next time you try to invade us, be sure to...wait, he's dead. There won't be a next time. *shrugs* Oh well.

Drake: Wow...you seemed intelligent for once...

Eagle: Yep! I've been taking lessons!

-Black Hole-

Adder: Oh no! Our not-so-beloved leader is killed! Who will take control of Black Hole now?

Flak: We're the only two Black Hole COs left. There's only one way to settle this.

Adder: What?

Flak: TEXAS DEATH MATCH!

Adder: Huh?

Flak: It's basically an Arizona Death Match except with bigger egos.

Adder: Oh, come now. I'm sure we can settle our problems in a simpler fashion.

Flak: Like what?

Adder: Mud wrestling!

Flak: How about no?

Adder: You're right. Let's see who can take out the most enemy COs first!

Flak: You're on!

Adder: Incidentally, did you check Hawke's papers to see what his master plan was?

Flak: I checked. He just scribbled "Ab-lib it as you go along" a few times.

Adder: D'oh!

Meanwhile, in a completely different story...

Lyn: You led us completely off track!

Wallace: Hey, I have a really bad sense of direction, okay!

Lyn: Great. How far off track did we get anyway?

Lyn looks and sees Mario punching Bowser's lights out.

Lyn: Nevermind.

Back in our original story...

Adder: Okay, whoever can kill more enemy COs in one part becomes leader of Black Hole. So let's begin...now!

bWill they begin now? Will this cause a stunning plot twist? Who will win, Adder or Flak? Why do I even freaking BOTHER with these questions? Find out next time, MAYBE, on Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b


iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 4/i

Previously...stuff happened. Or something like that.

-Orange Star-

Nell: Phew! We finally managed to outrun that stupid gorilla!

Max: Wait, I'm confused. Wasn't I dead?

Nell: Good point.

Nell whips out a gun and shoots Max.

Max: I have got to learn to keep my mouth shut...

Max falls forward on top of Nell. Because Max is super-heavy, Nell is squashed and killed.

-Black Hole-

Adder: Okay, I'll take Orange Star and Blue Moon. You take Yellow Comet and Green Earth.

Flak: Whoever kills the most enemy COs wins!

-Yellow Comet-

Sonja: Phew! I managed to outrun those stupid Black Hole soldiers! I wonder what to do now.

Sonja walks forward and steps into a net trap. She's hanging from a tree in a net.

Sonja: Oh, fudge.

Later...

Adder: Woohoo! I caught someone in my trap!

Lord Seth: I thought you weren't doing Yellow Comet.

Adder: Enh.

Lord Seth: Okey dokey!

Adder: Hey, where'd Sonja go?

Adder sees the net has broken and Sonja is running away.

Adder: Woohoo! Sport!

Adder starts chasing after Sonja.

Sonja: Think, Sonja, think...what do they do in the movies in times like this? Oh yeah, trip!

Sonja trips and falls. Adder catches up with her.

Sonja: Weird. I'm usually not that stupid.

Adder: Time to kill you!

The camera cuts away.

Lord Seth: You know, if this was anime, it would obviously be a scene that was cut.

Flak: Well, this isn't anime!

Lord Seth: Aren't you supposed to be off killing some COs?

Flak: I already got rid of Hachi. Now I need to kill Olaf.

Lord Seth: Shouldn't you be looking for him, then?

Flak: No reason to. I already put a nuclear time-bomb inside him. It should be going off about...now.

A giant mushroom cloud appears.

Flak: Yep! He's gone!

Lord Seth: You're acting surprisingly intelligent right now.

Flak: Yeah, it runs in the...something...it starts with "fami" and ends with "ly" but I can't remember it.

Lord Seth: It seems like you're becoming more stupid now.

Flak: Yep! It runs in...well, whatever that thing was.

Meanwhile...

Adder: Who's not dead? Who's not dead? Got to be some CO I can kill...

Adder sees Grit.

Adder: Got you!

Grit shoots at Adder. He misses by half an inch, and Adder screams and runs away.

Grit: That should get rid of him.

Later...

Adder: Let's see...I'll go after Eagle!

-Green Earth-

Eagle: I have a bad feeling.

Drake: Let's see...that's either ominous foreshadowing, or because that milk you drank last night was expired by three years.

Eagle: I think it's the foreshadowing one.

Adder appears.

Adder: Any last words, Eagle?

Eagle: Um...all's well that ends well?

Adder: Good enough for me!

Adder kills Eagle in some way that we won't bother to describe. It might give people ideas.

Adder: You're next, Drake!

Flak: Too bad, Adder! I got him!

One scene that was cut out later...

Adder: Yes! I killed him!

Flak: What are you talking about? I did!

Adder: There's only one way to settle this...

Flak: What, see who can kill the other first?

Adder: Pretty much.

Both Adder and Flak whip out guns. Adder whips out a giant bazooka and Flak whips out a small gun. Both shoot each other. Flak is blown to smithereens, and Adder is shot in the heart.

Adder: Ha! At least there's something of me left to bury! So I win!

-Orange Star-

Sami: Woohoo! I'm alive!

A giant chocolate bar appears. It's on a giant mousetrap.

Sami: Oh no. I'm not going to fall for that again.

bWill she fall for it again? Obviously. Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b


iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 5/i

Previously, more COs were killed. A lot of COs. I'd name them, but at the moment I'm watching TV and I probably shouldn't even be writing this. Expect the quality to go down this episode. But, you were expecting that anyway, weren't you?

-Orange Star-

Sami is standing in front of a giant mousetrap, except instead of cheese there's chocolate.

Sami (trying to look away): Must...resist...must...not...eat...and...die...ah, to heck with it!

Sami jumps to the chocolate and the mousetrap kills her.

Lord Seth: The moral here is, never eat pizza with cheese on backwards.

Vapor: That's a horrible moral.

Lord Seth: Okay, okay. Never eat chocolate with mousetraps on backwards.

Vapor: Closer.

Lord Seth: Don't eat chocolate if it's in a mousetrap, especially if it's a giant mousetrap! Is that good enough for you?!

Vapor: Yes.

Lord Seth: As a space filler, we are going to see how much we can write of a story in...let's see...6 minutes? Wasn't the last one 5 minutes? I always like having it be one minute more. Okay, let's try 6 minutes. And I know a lot of the characters in the story are dead. So sue me. And I warn you, I have really good lawyers! And let's begin...NOW!

iAdvance Wars 2 point some number followed by some roman numeral, part some number/i

-Green Earth-

Eagle: Aren't we supposed to be dead or something?

Drake: Enh.

Eagle: Anyway, today is a special day!

Drake: Dare I ask why?

Eagle: I don't know. Do you dare?

Drake: *sigh* Yes.

Eagle: It's because today is Friday!

Drake: Er...why is that special?

Eagle: Because it's not any other day of the week!

Drake: Wasn't this in Advance Wars 2.5?

Eagle: Don't ask me. Lord Seth turned back the clock so it didn't happen, so we don't remember any of it. But this occurred AFTER Advance Wars 2, so we do remember it. Of course, why could we even remember we don't remember the original? It doesn't make sense.

Drake: PLEASE cut away.

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Weird. This feels more like an actual part than a short story.

Olaf: Today is a very special day!

Grit: Please don't start that again.

Olaf: Okay, okay, okay. Anyway, because of new gun control laws, you're not supposed to be carrying that gun around without a permit.

Grit: Guess I'll get one then.

Later, at the permit office...

Grit: So can I get a permit to use this gun?

Clerk: Let's see...well, unlike apparently every other character in this story, you're intelligent, sane, and not unlucky. So I guess you get one.

Grit: Yeah! Now to test it out!

Grit shoots the gun but accidentally hits the clerk, who dies.

Grit: Oops.

Clerk: Ha! In my last few seconds of living, I just signed the form that says you can't have the gun! MWAHAHAHAH-

The clerk drops dead.

Lord Seth: This was completely pointless.

Grit: I know.

Pause.

Lord Seth: How much time do I have left anyway?

Grit: Let's see...about...one minute.

Lord Seth: Really? Better get a move on then!

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Today our evil plan is to launch missiles at every country in Wars World.

Hawke: Except Black Hole, right?

Sturm: Why skip Black Hole?

Hawke: Because we ARE Black Hole!

Sturm: That is a good point. I'll take it into consideration.

Hawke: Didn't you try this plan before?

Sturm: Yes, but the

bThe End!/b

Lord Seth: Interesting. Now we've wasted enough space, so let's get on with the story.

-Blue Moon-

Grit is looking around.

Grit: Hmmm. Everyone else has been killed. I'm the only one left.

A pause.

Grit: Yeah! I can finally get some target practice!

Grit takes out his gun and tries to shoot at some cans. It won't fire.

Grit: I must be out of bullets.

Grit starts pounding the ground and crying.

Grit: *sob* It's not fair! It's not fair at all! *crying* There was time now! It's not fair! IT'S NOT FA...wait, I just had the safety on. There we go. Now for some target practice.

bTune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b