iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 1/i

Lord Seth: Well, using the latest in plot recovery medical technology, we have successfully brought all the COs back to life.Too bad the previous season was so short...

Grit: So what's your plot idea now?

Lord Seth: We're going to recycle an uncompleted idea from Advance Wars 2.5!

Grit: Great. Just great.

Lord Seth: Thank you! I knew it was a great idea!

Grit: That wasn't a compliment.

Lord Seth: Oh? Then why'd you say it?

Grit: Do you know the meaning of the word sarcasm?

Lord Seth: I will as soon as I look it up in a dictionary!

Grit: sigh

-Black Hole-

Lash: At long last, we have managed to re-create the Ultra Bomb 3000.

Hawke: I thought it was supposed to be called the Nuclear Bomb. Or the Atomic Bomb. Whatever.

Lash: But doesn't Ultra Bomb 3000 have such a better marketing ring to it?

Hawke: We're not marketing this! We're using it as a weapon to destroy the other countries!

Lash: We could make a lot of money off of it if we tried to sell it...

Hawke: We don't want money! We want power!

Lash: Money IS power!

Hawke: ARGH! Look, just make some "Ultra Bomb 3000"s for me, okay?

Lash: Okay, okay, but I still say you're missing a fortune...

Hawke: Just make them and tell me when they're finished. How long do you think it'll be?

Lash: Not too long...I'd say...about the time between right now and the end of this part.

Hawke: Ah. Well, I might as well kill time until then.

Meanwhile, in a completely different story...

Eliwood: Good job, Troy! I'm glad you're my son. You're so strong, if anyone ever threatens our kingdom, you'll destroy them!

Out of nowhere, an anvil lands on Troy and kills him.

Eliwood: Great. Now I'll have to erase all documents proving he exists and train my other son instead.

Back in our original story...

Lash: Okay, it's all ready!

Adder: That was quick.

Flak: Yeah, it seemed like only a century.

Everyone stares at Flak.

Flak: What?

Hawke: Excellent. Aim them at the capitals of the other countries.

Four bombs simultaneously strike and destroy the capitals of four different countries. Tens of thousands are dead and/or injured. Horrified citizens watch the carnage.

The atomic age has begun.

bTo Be Continued.../b

Lord Seth: Grit, I need help.

Grit: What?

Lord Seth: You told me to look up the word sarcasm in a dictionary...

Grit: Yes?

Lord Seth: I forgot. What's a dictionary?

Colin: Just look up the meaning in a dictionary!

Lord Seth: That's not exactly a help.

Grit: Lord Seth, everyone KNOWS you just put this here to try to lighten the mood from what just happened...

Lord Seth: Oh. Right.

A pause.

Lord Seth: What just happened?

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 2/i

Insert recap here.

Lord Seth and various other members of the Advance Wars 2 board on GameFAQs are all sitting in a circle.

Lord Seth: I'm Lord Seth, and I've been an AdvanceWars-holic for...a really long time.

Pause.

Lord Seth: And I'm proud of it, by golly! You're not going to take it away from me!

Lord Seth dashes out. Everyone stares after him.

Jax Omen: That was strange.

Lord Seth runs back in.

Lord Seth: I need a more dramatic escape!

Lord Seth whips a rocket pack out of nowhere and blasts through the ceiling.

StarFoxRocks: That was even more strange.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: So...have the other countries given in to our demands?

Lash: No.

Sturm: WHAT?! After I demonstrated my power by dropping atomic bombs on their capitals!

Lash: That wasn't exactly YOUR power.

Sturm: It was close enough!

Lash: Anyway, you didn't GIVE them any demands.

Sturm: Oh.

Pause.

Sturm: Well, tell them I demand all their hot dogs!

Lash: sigh Okay.

-Orange Star-

Nell: Okay, so we have our own atomic bomb now?

Andy: Yeah, but don't you think the Ultra Bomb 3001 is a much better name?

Nell: No.

Andy: But I think it's such a great name if we try to market it.

Nell: WE'RE NOT TRYING TO MARKET IT! WE'RE TRYING TO USE IT IN CASE BLACK HOLE USES THEIR BOMBS AGAINST US!

Andy: I think I may have just become deaf...

Max: Important news! Black Hole demands we give them all our hot dogs or they'll drop more atomic bombs on us!

Nell: That's bad, right?

Max: sigh Yes.

Nell: Well, I refuse! We have our own atomic bomb now, so they can't blackmail us! Not with atomic bombs, at least!

Andy: There's something else they can blackmail us with!

Nell: Um...no. Nope! Nothing! Nothing at all!

Andy: Good. I was afraid there might actually be something they could blackmail us with. Phew! What a relief!

Nell: ...

Andy: But what if they do drop the bomb on us?

Nell: We just do the same to them.

Andy: But two wrongs don't make a right!

Nell: But three rights make a left!

Andy: Oh. Right.

A pause.

Andy: Could you explain that to me, please?

Nell: ...

b...? Can Black Hole blackmail Orange Star? How many seasons long will this story be anyway? Why'd we choose the term "seasons" anyway? Why do I keep saying "anyway", anyway? No matter what the answers turn out to be, tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 V anyway!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 3/i

Previously, Sturm demanded hot dogs or else he would launch more atomic bombs at the countries. How pathetic. I mean, he's got the ultimate power and he just wants HOT DOGS? How silly can you get?

Lord Seth: I don't pay you to conduct editorials!

You don't pay me at all!

Lord Seth: You get good work benefits. You know, like the dental plan.

Oh. Right.

Lord Seth: I hate having these conversations with the narrator, so let's get on with the story!

A pause.

Lord Seth: NOW!!!!!!!!!

Okay, okay. Sheesh...

-Black Hole-

Sturm: So, Lash, do we have enough atomic bombs to wipe out everyone else?

Lash: They're Ultra Bomb 3000's!

Sturm: Well, whatever they're called, do we have enough? And is that apostrophe really supposed to be after 3000?

Lash: Yes. To both.

Sturm: Good.

Lash: ...If they were about 1,000 times stronger, that is. The bombs, I mean.

Sturm: Curses! Foiled again!

Lash: sigh What have I told you about foil?

Sturm: Never go near it, it screws up all your mechanical stuff for no apparent reason?

Lash: Yep.

Sturm: ...and it's somehow magnetically attracted towards you, so you can't get it off?

Lash: Yep.

Sturm (covered in foil): Curses! Foiled again!

Lash: That joke doesn't even make sense!

Sturm: It's suppposed to be a pun. A punny pun.

Lash: sigh

-Blue Moon-

Olaf: So Sturm demands all our hot dogs?

Grit: Yep.

Olaf: And if we don't give them to them, they're going to drop bombs on us?

Grit: Yep.

Olaf: Enh. No big deal.

-Orange Star-

TV Announcer: The winning lottery numbers are 1-2-6-3-5-3-5-3! That makes Nell the winner...for the millionth time.

Meanwhile...

Citizen: I hate always losing lotteries to that Nell! Let's OVERTHROW HER!!!

All other citizens: YEAH!

Lord Seth: Oh great, ANOTHER revolution?

Citizen: He doesn't believe in the revolution! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Lord Seth: Uh...I'm really with you! Yeah!

Citizen: Oh well. Might as well let him go then.

Lord Seth: Good idea. Without me, you'd all cease to exist.

Citizen: That's bad, right?

Lord Seth: Yes.

Later...

Nell: Exactly HOW many times have we been overthrown?

Max: X times.

Nell: X times?

Max: Yeah. X is a variable that stands for the number of times we were overthrown. I anticipated your next question, so I decided to use X in preparation for a joke.

Nell: Er...

Andy: Yeah, but how many times have we managed to regain power again?

Max: X-1 times.

Nell: I hate you all.

Meanwhile, in a completely different story...

Lord Seth: I thought we were only going to do this joke once a season!

We did it already this season?

Lord Seth: I think so. Now get back to the story, I hate these stupid conversations with the narrator! They get...oh, what's the word?

-Green Earth-

Eagle: Okay, Drake. Let me see if I've got this right. Black Hole has created a new type of bomb that's more destructive than anything to date and they demand hot dogs or they'll use more.

Drake: Um...you actually got that right!

Jess: Call the Natural Examiner! It's a sign of the apocalypse! Eagle got something right!

Drake: Apocalypse? Uh-oh. If the apocalypse is coming, that must mean...this'll be the last season! AAAAHHHH!

Jess: That might not be such a bad thing...this story seems to not be as good as before...of course, that's what we say every season anyway.

-Blue Moon-

Olaf: Look, Grit! I managed to figure out this math problem no one else has ever managed to figure out!

Grit: What?

Olaf: Well, in the equation x1=x, what's x?

Grit: An empty set.

Olaf: Oh. I was actually thinking zero.

Grit: But that wouldn't make sense! That would imply 01=0. But 1 doesn't equal 0!

Olaf: I'm confused.

Grit: Aren't you always?

Olaf: I'm not confused when I'm not confused!

Grit: You have me there.

Colin: FOOD GIANT TOMATOES WITH RUNNING ON TOP!

Grit: ...

Olaf: ...

Colin: Sorry. Ever since I was abducted by those aliens I've had a tendency to blurt out random, mindless stuff. GIANT INSECTS BLURB THINGS!

Grit: ...

Olaf: ...

Colin: Don't worry. I should be over it soon.

bWill he be over it? Will we ever return to the actual storyline? You know, the part about the bombs? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 V/b

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 4/i

Previously, some stuff happened that had some relevance to this story somehow.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Has any country given into our demands?

Lash: Nope.

Sturm: Well, let's just send some more of our even more powerful bombs at them.

Lash: Call it by its CORRECT name, the Ultra-Bomb 3002.

Sturm: Why do I put up with you?

Lash: Because I'm the only one who knows how to make the bombs?

Sturm: Oh. That. Anyway, do we have enough bombs to destroy all our enemies?

Lash: No.

Sturm: Drat.

A pause.

Sturm: Oh, just shoot them anyway.

-Orange Star-

Nell: Fire the nuclear missile at Black Hole!

Andy: As retaliation for their attack on us, right? I mean, the one currently in progress, as the bombs haven't hit us quite yet.

Nell: No, just because they're sitting around and I want to use them. The bombs, I mean. Not Black Hole.

Several giant mushroom clouds later...

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Ow...being killed by nuclear bombs HURTS.

Lash: If you were killed, why are you still here?

A few minutes go by.

Lash: What?

Sturm: Uh...please leave a message after the beep!

Lash: sigh

-Blue Moon-

Olaf: Well, Orange Star is mostly destroyed by the nuclear weapons. You know what this means?

Grit: We go in to help them out?

Olaf: No! We take our chance to CONQUER THEM ALL!

Grit: I guess that COULD work...

Olaf: CONQUER THEM! CONQUER THEM ALL!!!

Grit: But maybe it won't.

Olaf: Colin! I command you to kill Grit for not obeying me!

Colin: What if I don't want to?

Olaf: Then I'll make Grit kill you.

Grit: What if I don't want to?

Olaf: Then I'll make Colin kill you.

Grit: But wait! If you order Colin to kill me because I wouldn't kill him because he wouldn't kill me, why would he kill me if he wouldn't kill me in the first place?

Colin whips out a gun and shoots Grit.

Colin: Because you're confusing ME?

Olaf: Colin, you idiot! That was a tranquilizer dart! He'll be back in a few hours!

Colin: What's the difference between that and if I killed him?

Olaf: Pretty much none.

Colin: So why does it matter?

Olaf: Because I said so!

Colin: But why does that mean anything?

Olaf: Um...because I said so?

Colin: That's circular logic!

Olaf: Confusing...reasoning! Overwhelming...brain! Can't...normal...speak!

Olaf collapses.

Colin: Great. I just overwhelmed his brain.

Grit (getting up): Oh, don't worry. That happens all the time.

Colin: I thought the tranquilizer darts took a few hours to wear off.

Grit: No, that's just on mice. Since I'm a lot bigger than a mouse, it wears off a lot quicker.

Colin: Oh. (pause) Could you explain that to me again?

Grit shoots Colin with a tranquilizer dart.

bDid Grit shoot Colin with a tranquilizer dart? Was that one of the dumbest questions we've ever asked in these things? Tune in to the next part of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 5/i

Previously, there was a long and drawn-out scene having to do with tranquilizer darts.

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Lord Seth, I have a question.

Lord Seth: sigh Now what?

Grit: In Season One of Advance Wars 2.5, it said you were a Blue Moon CO. But since then, there was no reference of you being a Blue Moon CO, or a CO period, except for one brief point in which it supposedly said something about your CO Powers. And that was in Advance Wars 2.5 anyway, not here. What's with that?

Lord Seth: Oh...um...me being a Blue Moon CO was...me...working undercover! Yeah!

Grit: I guess that's the best I'm going to get out of him.

Lord Seth: Exactamente, mi amigo!

Grit: You speak Spanish?

Lord Seth: I was speaking Spanish? I was just blurting out the random thoughts in my head. I do that a LOT!

Grit: Suddenly everything suddenly makes a lot more sense all of a sudden.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Well, the nuclear weapon Orange Star hit us with has certainly put a cramp on things.

A pause.

Sturm: And it gave me this stupid cramp in my back! Owch!

Lash: So, do you want me to launch more nuclear/atomic weapons at them?

Sturm: Sure!

Lash: But which country?

Sturm: I don't know. Just pick a random one.

Lash: Will do!

Lash pushes a button and a missile takes off. It hits Black Hole and kills Lash and Sturm.

Lash: Oops.

bIs it really time for an "Oops"? Keep reading this episode of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b

Lord Seth: Ha! Fooled you! Bet you thought we were actually going to end this episode, didn't you?

bDid we fool you?/b

Lord Seth: Wait! Don't end it yet!

bToo bad!/b

Lord Seth: You're only supposed to give questions! Except for the final line, where you say we should tune in next time!

bToo bad, then? Does THAT make you happy? Saying it as "Too bad?" in the form of a question? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b

Lord Seth: Much better.

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 6/i

Previously some stuff happened that will probably not affect this story in any way. Then again, that's the same about most parts, isn't it?

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Aw, forget this whole atomic bomb thing. It's more trouble than it's worth.

Lash: I thought we were dead.

Sturm: So did I, but you can't believe everything you think!

-Yellow Comet-

Sonja: Well, Black Hole is done with all the atomic/nuclear-bomb building, so I guess we might as well call off the project.

Kanbei: But we have 4 bombs waiting right here!

Sonja: Well, would COULD try to dismantle them.

Kanbei: Or, better yet, shoot one at each country!

Sonja: I'm not entirely certain that's a good idea.

Kanbei: It is then decided! This time Kanbei shall be showered with glory! LAUNCH THE BOMBS!

Sonja: You can't 'launch' them. You have to drop them from planes.

Kanbei: Oh. In that case, LAUNCH THE PLANES!

Sonja: The bombs aren't even in there yet!

Kanbei: Oh.

Sensei: This is too confusing. I think I'll just set off these bombs right now.

Sonja: ... ... ...Crap.

BBBBBBBOOOOOOMMMMM!!!
(note: The above line is supposed to be about 1,000 times bigger in order to give the full effect. So just imagine it's that big, okay?)

bBoom? Why do I keep making the last line of each part a question? Why do I keep asking these useless questions? Why do I keep asking why I keep asking these useless questions? This could go on forever, so I'm going to stop right now and say tune in to the next episode of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b

Lord Seth: Uh...it's not the next part yet.

bWhoops!/b

Lord Seth: I'm not going to do that "end parts after almost nothing" gag AGAIN, so we had better continue!

Grit: Actually, this part wasn't THAT short...

Lord Seth: Shut up.

Grit: Okay, okay, I know when I'm not wanted. Unlike apparently every single other character in this story.

Grit leaves.

Lord Seth: sigh

-Green Earth-

Drake: I'm happy to report that our army, navy, and air force are in top shape.

Eagle: That's not good enough! I want them in tip-top shape!

Drake: What's the difference?

Eagle: If they're in tip-top shape, if you tip the top of them, they'll fall over!

Jess: But that's bad!

Eagle: Too bad!

Lord Seth: What am I doing here anyway?

-Orange Star-

Andy: Argh! I can't get these wrenches un-stuck!

Sami: Huh?

Andy: Someone super-glued these things to my hands.

Sami: What, aren't they always super-glued to your hands?

Andy: That's not true! I usually use regular glue!

Sami: ...

Meanwhile...

Hachi: I have a new, even more evil diabolical and evil plan to make more money in an evil fashion! And did I mention that it's evil?

Slightly more than 3.141592654 miles away...

Max: Okay, I've trained and trained and trained and trained! I'm FINALLY ready to take Sensei on again! And this time I'll become Wrestling Champion Of The World! Or at least of all the COs.

-Yellow Comet-

Sonja: Sensei, you're being summoned to have another rematch with Max.

Sensei: I don't want to.

Sonja: Then he wins by default!

Sensei: Meh.

Sonja: ARGH! DON'T SAY THAT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Sonja attacks Sensei in a bloody frenzy and kills him. Kanbei comes in.

Kanbei: gasp You have killed one of our COs! There is only one fitting punishment...DEATH!

Sonja: That's not so bad.

Kanbei: ...by being eaten by piranhas while simultaneously watching...you know...that TV show that people always use for jokes in which someone is tortured by watching it?

Sonja: Well, it could be worse.

Kanbei: You're right. First you'll have to strip naked and appear on national TV.

Sonja: sigh

bWhat will the next plotline be? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 7/i

Previously, Part 7 occured.

Lord Seth: This IS part 7!

Okay, Part 8 then!

Lord Seth: Part 8 hasn't come yet!

Fine! Fine! Part 6!

Lord Seth: FINALLY you get it right! What did you do, fail math class?

How did you guess?

Lord Seth: Why do I have these conversations with the narrator?

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Lash! This stupid door is stuck! I can't open it! And I've been pushing on it with all my might!

Lash: Um, Sturm?

Sturm: Yes?

Lash: You're supposed to PULL that door open.

Sturm: Argh! Why didn't they tell me that?

Lash: It says "Pull" right there on the door!

Sturm: I thought it meant people inside the door were supposed to pull it open.

Lash: Argh! You are impossible!

Sturm: Why does it seem that Adder never seems to show up?

Adder: Because I was sick for a while. I had the dreaded skin disease where you turn completely white.

Sturm: You're always like that!

Adder: That's why it took me a while to realize I had it! But I'm over it now.

Sturm: But your skin is still all white-ish!

Adder: But I'm cured!

Sturm: Argh! You are impossible!

Flak: Where's the bathroom anyway?

Adder: Down the hall, to the left.

Flak: I went there, but I only saw a sink and a chair.

Adder: Flak, that "chair" IS the toilet.

Flak: Are you sure? Because if you're wrong, and that really WAS a chair...

Adder: Argh! You are impossible!

Hawke: What's going on here?

Flak: It had something to do with something being impossible, I know that much!

Hawke: But WHAT was impossible?

Flak: Something that was impossible?

Hawke: Argh! You are impossible!

Flak: Ta-da! You just answered your own question!

Lash: Hawke, why do you have your hair be different colors?

Hawke: That's a top-secret military secret.

Lash: I'm a CO in the military!

Hawke: Well, it's a super-top-secret secret.

Sturm: Ooh! When does Hawke say the part about Lash being impossible?

Hawke: Why would I say that?

Everyone: Argh! You are IMPOSSIBLE!

Hawke: What just happened?

-Orange Star-

Andy: Look at my newest invention!

Sami: Andy, that's a tank. An ordinary take.

Andy: Haha! Look again!

Sami looks again.

Sami: I still don't see any difference.

Andy: Exactly! I've just made a device that can fix any military device perfectly! Heck, it can fix any device perfectly!

Sami: Can it fix itself?

Andy: No.

Sami: Too bad. It's still useful, though. But we have to make sure that no other country gets ahold of it. It needs to be Orange Star's military secret. So make sure no one else gets it! Take every precaution!

In the background, Colin runs in and grabs the device and replaces it with a can opener. Then he runs out.

Andy: Don't worry. I'll be sure to make sure no one takes it.

Andy looks back and sees it's gone.

Andy: Drat.

-Blue Moon-

Colin: Mission accomplished! We now have the device that can fix anything!

Olaf: Excellent!

Colin: So what are we going to use it for?

Olaf: My cable box isn't working, so I need to fix it.

Colin: Wouldn't it be better to, you know, use it tob heal all our units?

Olaf: No.

Colin: Well, you do outrank me, so I guess you must be right. That's one of the fundamental rules of the military...even though it doesn't make sense.

Colin leaves.

Olaf: Now, how do we get this to work?

Olaf presses a button clearly labeled "Self Destruct". The device blows up.

Olaf: Oh, why can't they ever have labels that clearly explain what button does what?

bWhy can't they have labels that clearly explain what button does what? Or do they already? Why do I always have these random questions at the end of each of the parts anyway? Seriously, what's the point? Well, regardless, as always, be sure to tune into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 8/i

Previously...oh, who really cares anyway?

-Green Earth-

Drake: Well, Eagle, I resign as a Green Earth CO. It's getting boring. I'm going back to piracy!

Eagle: Yes, that's nice. Don't disturb me.

Drake: What are you doing anyway?

Eagle: I'm trying to balance 200 coins on this house of cards. Now be quiet or it'll-

The house of cards collapses.

Eagle: Now look what you made me do! I expect you to clean that up!

Drake: I'll do even better!

Drake grabs the cards, the coins, and everything else in Eagle's office that isn't nailed now (which translates to pretty much nothing else)

Drake: Haha! My first pillage after becoming a pirate again!

Drake rushes out.

Eagle: What just happened? I'm not going insane, am I?

Clock: No, you're not.

Eagle: Ah, thank you Mr. Clock. I like how you can reassure me at times like this. Just like Mr. Bookshelf and Mr. T-Shirt...except when Mr. T-Shirt is trying to strangle me. That's never good. And who am I talking to? Oh, yes, my good friend Mr. Letter Blocks.

-Black Hole-

Hawke: Yes! It's foolproof! I've put a special chip inside Sturm that'll blow him up when I press this button!

Hawke presses the button. Sturm comes in.

Sturm: Hi, Hawke!

Sturm leaves.

Hawke: Drat! I must've put it in the wrong person's head! I wonder who it could be...

At that instant...

Sonja: FINALLY things seem to be going my way! Nothing bad has happened to me yet!

Sonja's head explodes.

-Orange Star-

Max: Yeah! I'm wrestling champion of the world!

Nell: I thought Sensei beat you. Twice.

Max: Yeah, but he didn't accept my challenge for a re-rematch and therefore forfeits.

Newsperson (on TV): Sensei challenges Max to a re-rematch!

Max: Drat!

One wrestling match later...

Referee: Well, it seems both contenders have...actually killed each other. So now I'm the wrestling champion! Mwahahaha! Mwahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA cough Can't breath...

The referee/announcer/champion wrestler falls down and dies from lack of oxygen.

Lord Seth: Gee, what's with all the deaths anyway?

An anvil falls on Lord Seth and kills him.

Lord Seth: Uh...I think I'll have to postpone writing this story for a LITTLE while...

bWhen will he be ready to continue? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!/b