Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 1
Lord Seth: Welcome to what will probably be the last season of this story! Ending it after this season has more to do with me being just totally lazy and out of ideas than anything else. So let's get going!
Nothing happens for a long time.
Lord Seth: I SAID, let's get going!
Grit: You didn't even write anything after your first comment for days!
Lord Seth: Isn't it amazing how I can take breaks between parts so much and the reader never knows about it?
Grit: They do NOW.
Lord Seth: Oh. Right.
A (short this time) pause.
Lord Seth: Well, what are you standing there for? Get going!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: I know I've said this a zillion times before, but now I FINALLY have devised a plan that will let us rule the world!
Hawke: sigh What is it this time?
Sturm: I have managed to teleport strange cretures from another dimension! We shall use their strange powers to rule this world!
Hawke: These things look...familiar.
One of the creatures hits Hawke with a lightning bolt. He's charred and singed.
Hawke: Now...I remember...these are those things Lash is obsessed about...they're called Pikamin or something like that.
Lash: The correct term is "Pokémon" you idiot!
Hawke: Hey! No one calls Hawke an idiot!
Lash: Maybe they wouldn't if Hawke would stop referring to himself in the third person!
Hawke: Hawke NEVER refers to himself in the third person!
Lash: You're referring to yourself in the third person NOW!
Hawke: Um...Hawke doesn't have any good witty comback to that.
Adder: ARGH! I can't take this anymore!
Adder goes psycho and kills everyone. Then Flak comes in and goes psycho and kills everyone, who were just brought back to life through some zany plot twist. Then, feeling some deep remorse, Flak kills himself.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Mwahaha! With my new invention, I shall conquer the world!
The invention blows up. Andy is killed.
Andy: Whoops!
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Want to hear my latest scheme to avoid doing work in school?
Grit: Colin, if you put half the work you do in your schemes into your schoolwork instead, your grades would all increase by 5%!
Colin: I'd rather take this all-or-nothing route.
Grit: Colin, so far all you've gotten is nothing. None of these schemes ever work!
Colin: But what's the worst that'll happen?
Olaf walks in.
Olaf: Did I ever tell you about my childhood? I'll tell you about my childhood! I never worked hard in school and always tried to take the easy way out. And look where I am now!
Colin: Uh...
Olaf: But that's only half of my life story! When I joined the army, I-
Grit: Ignore him. When he gets like this, there's no stopping him. Ever. Until he stops himself.
Colin: So I'll grow up to be like HIM if I don't work hard?
Grit: Yes.
Colin: Well, he is one of my heroes, so...yahoo!
Grit: You know, in school, I did pretty well. Especially in archery. So if you want to be like me, you should try to do better in school.
Colin: Oh...I can't decide! Maybe I should just study hard and simultaneously try to cheat all the time.
Grit: I'm not QUITE sure that's a good idea.
Colin: Well, I think it's good, and in the end, that's all that matters.
Is that all that matters? Will this be the last season? Tune in next time, to...oh, you know.
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 2
Previously, the Black Hole COs thought up a new plan but ended up getting killed. Twice.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Remind me why I'm handcuffed to the wall again.
Drake: Jess and I got tired of your incompetence and chained you to the wall so we could take command.
Eagle: Oh. Well, could you at least explain to me why I'm handcuffed to the wall?
Drake: You're hopeless.
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...
Peach: Mario! Bowser's army is invading! Only YOU can stop them!
Mario: And there's only one thing to do1 Go out there and defeat them all!
Mario rushes out.
Back in our original story...
Lord Seth: What, I have to make EACH of those "completely different story" things funny? I wanted to make an un-funny one. And that makes it funny! Get it?
Everyone: No.
Lord Seth: Exactly!
Meanwhile, in a semi-different story...
Sensei: Aha! After doing extensive research, I have FINALLY-
Lord Seth: Hey! This is the same story!
Whoops!
Lord Seth: Okay, I'm NOT going to have another one of these stupid "conversation with the narrator" gags. They just end up being stupid. Like this is now. So let's go to someplace else! ANYWHERE else!
-Green Earth-
Lord Seth: What, you thought I was going to go someplace totally random? Hah!
Eagle: What are you doing here?
Lord Seth: Nothing!
Lord Seth leaves.
Eagle: Let's see...I'm usually supposed to make some kind of stupid demand right here. So I demand that we equip all our bombers with atomic bombs!
Jess: Eagle, that storyline ended last season.
Eagle: All the more reason to do it now! The other countries won't be expecting it!
Drake: Eagle, WHY would it matter? It's not like we're going to launch an all-out assault on all of them, right? Right?
Eagle: Actually, I was planning on doing that.
Drake: Eagle, we already tried that. I can't remember when it was (was it Season 3?) but it failed! Let's not try a failed plan again!
Eagle: You know what they say!
Jess: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again?
Eagle: Actually, I was going to say "Don't get bitten by a shark when underwater eating a cheeseburger", but hey, that's even better! So let's attack all the other countries!
Drake: But we don't even have the bombs yet!
Eagle: A minor technicality. We'll worry about that later. You know, when we need to worry about it the most. You know, when we're in a crisis and we'll wish we had waited until we got the bombs because we'll all be destroyed because we don't have them. So, what do you think?
Jess: ...
Drake: ...
Eagle: ,,,
Drake: ???
Eagle: Hey, I'm trying for a little originality here!
Jess: Well, odds are this part of the storyline will be discontinued after this part, and it'll never return to this again.
Eagle: Or WILL it?
-Orange Star-
Andy: Hey, everyone! You have to hear-
Sami: Andy, you were killed in the previous part! Why are you back all of a sudden?
Andy: Well, you know how Kenny dies in all those South Park episodes, and is back in the next?
Sami: Yes.
Andy: And how in Sealab 2021, the sealab keeps blowing up, only to be back to normal in the next episode?
Sami: Yes.
Andy: And how in Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a lot of times the characters are seemingly killed, only to be back to normal next episode.
Sami: Yes.
Andy: Well, it had nothing to do with that.
Sami: sigh
Sigh? Is that "repeating whatever was the last time but in question form" gag getting old? Why am I writing this so late at night? You know what the last lines always is, so just mentally fill it in!
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 3
Previously...oh, I'm running out of "previously" jokes. Just make some yourself.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Grit! Grit! You have to see this new show! It's great! It's even got these little images that appear for less than a second that say things like "Watch this show more" or "Worship Sturm"!
Grit: Olaf, that's subliminal messaging!
Olaf: Is it like Instant Messaging?
Grit: No you idiot! They try to control you without you knowing they're controlling you!
Olaf: I'm sure not being controlled!
Grit: Because your mind is too screwed up to be controlled!
Olaf: Well, would you watch this show? It's good.
Grit: I'm not going to be controlled by Black Hole!
Olaf: Grit, I ORDER you to watch this show with me!
Grit: sigh Okay.
One show later...
Olaf: So, what did you think?
Grit: That was one of the most horrible things I've ever seen in my life. The plot made no sense at all. The character's voices were annoying. The animation looked like it was drawn by a 6-year-old.
Meanwhile...
Sturm: Hurry up! Draw those things for me!
Lash: Sturm, he's only six years old.
Sturm: So?
Back in Blue Moon...
Olaf: Hey! You talked about how it would hypnotize you! But it didn't!
Grit: I'm really smart. I must've been immune to the effect.
Olaf: That seems incredibly cheap.
Grit: I know.
Olaf: Hey, Colin! Come here and watch this!
Grit: No! Colin isn't incredibly stupid or incredibly smart! Granted, he's slanted a little towards stupid, but not so so much that he'll be immune to the effect of the TV!
Olaf: Colin, you've got to see this!
Colin walks in slowly and stiffly, as if he's a zombie.
Colin: Sorry...sir...I...only...obey...Black Hole...
Grit: Oh no! It already got to him! I can only shudder to think of who else it might have affected.
Grit seems to think for a moment. Then he shudders.
-Green Earth-
Eagle (as if in a trance): Must...only...obey...Black Hole.
Jess (as if in a trance): Must...only...obey...Black Hole.
Drake (as if in a trance): Must...buy melon seeds. I mean...must...obey...Black Hole.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Must...obey...Black Hole.
Max: Must...obey...Black Hole.
Sami: Must...obey...Black Hole.
Nell: Being in a trance...makes conversations...difficult. Oh, and must...obey...Black Hole.
Meanwhile...
Hachi: Must...obey...myself!
Employee: Sir?
Hachi: Mwahaha! I'm so obsessed with only serving myself that I can't be hypnotized into serving anyone else! Mwahaha! Now end this part while the suspense is good.
No idiotic and stupid questions THIS time! Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!
Lord Seth: What, did you think we were going to ask a question by accident? Seriously, who do you think I am? Myself? Ha!
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 4
In the previous episode, stuff that you would normally expect happened. In other words, nothing of importance. Except, of course, for Black Hole's newest devious plan--to hypnotize people through TV! Of course, considering how much people get hynpotized by TV anyway, it shouldn't be that hard...MAYBE.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: This is horrible! You and I are the only ones NOT affected by this TV!
Olaf: Why is that again? I forgot.
Grit: I'm too smart to be affected, and you're too stupid to be affected.
Olaf: Oh. (pause) Why is it again? I forgot.
Grit: Argh.
Olaf: Why just a normal "Argh", and no exclamation point? Actually, isn't "Argh!" the normal way to say it? Of course, a bunch of times people will say "ARGH!" so I wonder if THAT is used more. But maybe "Argh!" is the preferred term. What do you think, Grit?
Grit: ...
Olaf: Thanks, Grit! I always wanted to know what "..." sounded like!
Grit: Wasn't this gag done already?
Olaf: Oh, you know how Lord Seth is about repeating gags. He just repeats them over and over and over and over until people get so sick of them that they send him death threats until he stops.
Lord Seth: That's not true at all! Where are you getting this information?
Olaf: The place I get all my information. The Natural Examiner. They're the ONLY newspaper with the guts to tell the truth about things. You know, like how Dracula is planning on making an unholy alliance with Frankenstein so they can successfully conquer all the werewolves.
Lord Seth: Olaf, Dracula was KILLED at the end of Dracula. And the monster in Frankenstein wasn't even named Frankenstein--the doctor who made it was named Frankenstein. You're getting everything wrong!
Olaf: Yeah, yeah, the Natural Examiner said people would say things like that. Fortunately, I'm too smart to fall for the kind of stuff you're saying. What do you think I am, guillible?
Lord Seth: ...
Olaf: Hey! You say it different than the way Grit does!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: At last! Our plan is working! All of the COs except for the extraordinarily stupid ones and the extraordinarily smart ones will have been hypnotized.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Why is everyone acting all hypnotized? I seem to be the only one not affected.
Soldier: Person not affected! Must kill them!
The soldier whips out a gun and shoots Sonja, killing her.
Sonja: Darn my bad luck...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Now that everyone is under our spell...we can...actually, what can we do? I mean, we've already kind of won already. What else can we do?
Adder: Wouldn't this be a good part to stop this part? You know, for suspense?
Lord Seth: It hasn't been long enough yet!
A pause.
Lord Seth: ...or has it?
Or has it? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI! Or, alternatively, go back to your boring life and cry your eyes out. Then, after that, be sure to call 911 so you can get your eyes put back in. Then when you see the medical bill, you'll cry your eyes out again, and the whole thing will happen again. It's a viscious circle. Or is it?
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 5
A long, long time after a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away from a galaxy far away...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Okay, I've thought about it. Now that everyone is under our hypnotic thingy-
Lash: Call it by its CORRECT name, the Hypno-Transactor/ATM 4000!
Hawke: ATM?
Lash: Yeah! It doubles as an ATM machine! Watch!
Lash goes up to the machine and presses a few buttons.
Lash: Now I'm going to withdraw some money.
Lash presses a few more buttons. The machine starts shooting out some giant tomatoes.
Lash: Well, there are still a FEW bugs to work out.
Some bugs come out of the machine.
Flak: Well, it's just a few bugs. What's the worst they can do?
Hawke: Um...well...the bugs are kind of killer bees...
Sturm: Well, at least I'm made of metal and don't have to worry about them! Mwahaha!
Lash: Actually, these are robotic killer bees. They can sting people made out of metal.
Sturm: Crap.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay, Olaf, it's up to us to stop Black Hole's evil plan.
Grit looks to see Olaf sitting in the chair he sits in in AW1.
Grit: Get up, Olaf!
Olaf: But I'm all comfy here! I'm never leaving this chair.
Grit: Man...it took a sequel to get him out of that chair of his! How can I get him out now?
Grit seems to think for a while.
Grit: I'm stumped. Guess it's up to me to defeat Black Hole.
Olaf: Could you take out the trash while you're at it?
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Well, all those stingers hurt. Fortunately they die after stinging you.
Lash: No, they just APPEAR dead. In a few minutes, they'll be back.
All the bees, which were on the floor, get up.
Sturm: Oh, crap. Not again.
Meanwhile...
Grit: Okay, I just have to find the thing they're using to hypnotize people, then change it so it un-hypnotizes them. Hey, here it is right here!
Grit looks around and sees all the Black Hole COs lying on the ground with bee stings all over them.
Grit: Well, better get to work. (he looks at the machine) Sure looks complicated...I wonder how I can reverse the effects.
Grit notices a button labeled "Reverse the effects".
Grit: Wait...this seems too obvious. Maybe it's a trap. (he thinks a while) Nah, Black Hole isn't smart enough to do that.
Grit pushes the button. Everyone goes back to normal. The machine then explodes.
Grit: Well, better get back to Blue Moon. I just hope the un-hypnotizing didn't have any bad side effects.
Later, in Blue Moon...
Grit: Well, Olaf, everything is back to normal.
Colin: What happened? The last thing I remember was watching this one TV show...
Grit: You were hypnotized by the TV. Black Hole had subliminal messages hidden in the shows.
Colin: Whoa...so maybe TV is sometimes bad for you!
Grit: Well, it's really only bad when there are subliminal messages.
Colin: That happen often?
Grit: All the time. The only shows that don't have the subliminal messages are...oh, I forget the names. You know, the ones on that one channel at that one time?
Colin: No.
Grit: Oh well.
Olaf (watching TV): Holy crap! Look at this! They cancelled that show I was watching!
Grit: Olaf, that's because it was hypnotizing people.
Olaf: But is that REALLY a good enough reason to cancel it?
Colin: There's a much more important question to answer right now.
Olaf: What?
Colin: How can crap be holy?
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 6
Previously, we ended the previous part without all of those stupid questions.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Now what?
Olaf: Well, Lord Seth has semi-officially run out of ideas, so odds are we're going to just have a bunch of random, stupid things happen so we can finish this.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Okay, now for our next ingenious plan to conquer the world!
Hawke: Why don't we just invade all the other countries!
Sturm: We tried that. It didn't work.
Hawke: Well, third time's the charm!
Sturm: Isn't this the fourth time?
Hawke: Well, fourth time's the charm also!
Sturm: Wait...maybe this is the fifth time.
Hawke: Fifth time's the charm!
Sturm: Hey! You're stealing my lines!
Hawke: Hey, if you get upset, steal find your own lines to steal!
Sturm: But isn't stealing morally wrong?
Hawke: Sturm. You've tried to conquer the world. You've sent countless soldiers to their deaths. You've caused some gigantic wars. You've tried to take away people's free will. You've tortured people for information. You leave the toilet seat up every time after you go. And you're telling me that it should be considered morally wrong to steal lines?!
Sturm: Yes. Everything you just outlined of what I did is just normal. I mean, everyone does it. But stealing lines is the ultimate evil.
Hawke: I hate you.
Lord Seth: Yay! Someone uses that line on someone other than me!
Hawke: I hate you, too.
Lord Seth: Do you hate me more or less than Sturm?
Hawke: More.
Lord Seth: Yay! Wait, is that bad?
Hawke: It depends on your point of view. Do you want to be hated?
Lord Seth: Yes. I mean, no. Wait, I mean yes. No, I want to say no. No, actually, my answer is yes. No wait, it should be yes. No, my answer is yes. Or should I say no? Yeah, I'll say no. Wait! Wait! I want to take that back. I'll go with...hey, why are you guys leaving? And why are there spikes on the walls? And why are they getting closer and closer together? And why am I in the middle? And why am I talking to myself?
-Blue Moon-
Grit: I wonder if we'll get another semi-continued storyline going.
Olaf: Is it all right if I laugh so hard at that I die?
Grit: Go right ahead.
Olaf: Ho! Ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho!
Many "Ho"'s later...and no, we were NOT trying to make a pun there!
Colin: Olaf, you've just laughed yourself to death! What are you going to do now?
Olaf, who's dead, just lies there, doing nothing.
Colin: And you heard it yourself, folks! He's going to do nothing! Isn't that the best thing ever? In fact, I'm going to do nothing, also!
Colin just stands there.
Colin: Oh no! I AM doing something! I'm standing! NOOOOOOO!!!
Colin starts pounding on the ground and crying.
Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!
Lord Seth: What? No questions?
Nope!
Lord Seth: Good. Or is that bad? Let me think. I say good. No, bad. No wait, let's go with good. Never mind, I changed my mind. I think it's bad. Actually, when I think about it...
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 7
Lord Seth: We're nearing the end! All we need to do is find a continuing plot to last us until then! I know! Let's go with that invasion we didn't finish earlier on!
Out of nowhere, in space, a giant armada of ships appear next to Wars World.
Alien: Gee, what happened? It's like we suddenly ceased to exist, and then came back.
Alien 2: Well...UNLOAD THE TROOPS AND CONQUER WARS WORLD!
Lord Seth: For those of you who didn't read the previous parts, Sturm basically requested stuff from his home world. And by "stuff" I mean more troops. And that means a bunch of aliens and stuff. And by "stuff" I mean things like tanks and other stuff. And by THAT "stuff" I mean other weapons. And by "weapons" I mean-
Alien: SHUT UP!
Lord Seth: Why does everyone keep telling me to do that?
Alien: Maybe because...you're REALLY annoying?!
Lord Seth: Oh. Right.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Yay! The troops I requested shall be here soon!
Hawke: How soon?
Sturm: Soon.
Hawke: I know that, but how soon is soon?
Sturm: It's soon.
Hawke: But...oh, never mind.
Sturm: Is "never mind" one or two words? I mean, do I say it "never mind" or "never mind"?
Hawke: Sturm, this is all verbal. It doesn't matter how you spell it.
Sturm: O, rite. Eye gess eye kan spel eat n-e-way eye wont, rite?
Hawke: Not THAT bad. People are reading this!
Sturm: You just said it was verbal!
Hawke: Well...oh drat, now you're confusing me.
Later...
Sturm: Yes! The troops are here! Now go and CONQUER WARS WORLD!
Hawke: Sturm, we've tried this exact same plan before. Multiple times. Don't you think it's fairly likely it won't work this time, either?
Sturm: Yes.
Hawke: Then why are you bothering with it?!
Sturm: Because I'm both too lazy and too stupid to think of anything else.
Hawke: Well, why didn't you ask someone your COs? Or your generals? Or anyone?
Sturm: Because I'm too stupid and too lazy.
Hawke: That's your answer to everything.
Sturm: I'd answer that, but I'm too stupid and too lazy.
Hawke: You just DID answer it!
Sturm: I'm too stupid and to lazy to bother to argue with you, so I'll stop, even though by talking like this, I'm proving I'm actually not lazy.
Hawke: This is going to be one long...period of time.
Lash: Which period of time? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? Months? Weeks? Years? Decades? Centuries? Millenniums? Milliseconds? Split-seconds?
Hawke: Lash?
Lash: Yes?
Hawke: Shut up.
Lash: Oh.
Hawke: ENOUGH WASTING TIME! Just invade already! I'm tired of waiting!
Lord Seth: Still a little bit of time left to go until the end of this part.
Adder: Try stalling.
Sturm: ahem I know a song that gets on everyone's nerves, everyone's nerves, everyone's nerves. I know a song that gets on everyone's nerves, and this is how it goes: This is the song that never ends! Yes it goes on and on my friend! Some people started-
Does it never end? Does it go on my friends? Did some people start-
Lord Seth: Shut up!
Hypocrite.
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 8
Lord Seth: So, Part 8. I've ended a lot of seasons on Part 8. Of course, a lot were finished on Part 10. And one was on Part 9. And there was another short one...well, enough pointless babbling from me. Now for pointless babbling from OTHER people!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: No more waiting! INVADE!
Nothing happens.
Sturm: What is going on?!
Hawke: All of our troops decided to go to the bathroom at the same time. As a result, all of the toilets were simultaneously flushed, causing the pipes to explode...I think I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.
Sturm: Oh no! You mean there were really evil pods in the water that came to life with the touch of air!
Hawke: What?
Sturm: You said to use your imagination!
Hawke: No, I meant the fact that all of the water spread everywhere, with...er...everything inside it.
Sturm: So there WERE evil pods!
Hawke: How can I break this to him gently?
Later...
Sturm: NOW let's invade.
Hawke: Mmmph! Mmmph!
Hawke is tied up and gagged in a chair.
Sturm: You should've broken it to me more gently! Now let's go and INVADE!
Flak: Sorry, Sturm, but another problem has occured. You see, by pure coincidence, millions of ducks were flying over our troops. And they all decided to...er...do their business at the same time.
Sturm: Oh, good.
Flak: Good?
Sturm: What kind of contract do they want?
Flak: What?
Sturm: You said do their business, right? I assume they have a business proposition for us.
Flak: How can I break this to him gently?
Later...
Flak: Mmmmph mmmph mmmph!
Flak: YOU should've broken it to me more gently also!
Lash: Sturm! Bad news!
Much later...
Soldier: May I ask you why you have all of your COs tied up in chairs and gagged?
Sturm: It's a long story.
Soldier: How long?
Sturm: About 22 lines.
Soldier: Oh.
Sturm: NOW let's invade.
Soldier: Okay, okay. Man, just delay this thing a few months because of accidents and you never hear the end of it.
Several giant simultaneous invasions later...
Sturm: We have conquered Green Earth, Yellow Comet and Blue Moon are somewhat under our control, and we were absolutely destroyed in Orange Star. That's what happened?
Soldier: Absolutely.
Sturm: Is that good or bad?
Soldier: That depends on your point of view.
Sturm: Well, I'm standing here and facing this way. According to THAT point of view, is that good or bad?
Soldier: It's mediocre.
Sturm: What did I tell you about using complicated words?!
Soldier: Use them all the time to build your vocabulary up?
Sturm: Exactly! Now, what does it mean?
Soldier: Mediocre?
Sturm: Yes.
Soldier: Well...you know, so-so, not great, but not bad...in the middle-range.
Sturm: I fail to understand. You used many words I didn't know the meaning of.
Soldier: WHAT words?
Sturm: "Well, "you", "know", "so-so", "not", "great", "but", "bad", "in", "the", and "middle-range".
Soldier: But you used those words yourself!
Sturm: I did?
Soldier: Yes.
Sturm: How interesting. TO THE DUNGEONS WITH YOU!
Soldier: What?!
Sturm: You questioned me!
Soldier: But...
Sturm: Oh, where are those guards? Can I trust you to go to the dungeon yourself?
Soldier: Yeah, sure!
Sturm: Okay, get going!
The soldier leaves.
Sturm: It's so nice to know there are soldiers I can trust.
-Orange Star-
Andy: So you're a Black Hole defector and know all of their military secrets?
Soldier (same one as before): Yes.
Andy: I say we KILL HIM!
Sami: Hang on, Andy! His information may prove useful! I say we get it, THEN kill him.
Max: How about we just get the information and thank him by not killing him?
Sami and Andy: Good idea!
Lord Seth: So, it looks like trouble is brewing for Black Hole. And the apocalypse is coming, because Max became really intelligent! Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!
Hey! I'm supposed to say that!
Lord Seth: Hey, if I do it myself, I have to pay you less!
We narrators have got to form a union one of these days...
Lord Seth: I thought you already had one.
But it was disbanded!
Lord Seth: Oh. Right. Just so you know, it WASN'T me who ordered all of those guys who kill everyone who entered the union, okay? It was someone else. Really. Honest. And when I say honest, I mean not honest. And when I say end this part already, I mean END this part already! Honest. And when I say honest in that sense, I mean I'm being honest. And when I say...
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 9
Previously, Black Hole managed to conquer all of Green Earth, some of Yellow Comet and Blue Moon, and almost none of Orange Star.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Why is it our country always seems to fend these guys off the easiest?
Max: Because Flak is the one assigned to deal with us?
Nell: Oh. Right.
Sami: We're going to need everyone's help! That includes Hachi!
Andy: HACHI?! He only does stuff for money. That would mean we'd have to give him money!
Nell: Oh, that's no problem. The government spends so much time on the military budget that we've got 5 billion dollars to burn.
Andy: How much did they give us?
Nell: 5 billion dollars and two cents.
Andy: Oh.
Several billion dollars down the drain later...
Hachi: Okay, so what do you want me to do?
Nell: Just go and deploy your low-casting-cost troops to liberate the other countries from Black Hole!
Hachi: What's in it for me?
Nell: Those billions of dollars we gave to you earlier today!
Hachi: Oh. Right.
Nell: Well? Hop to it!
Hachi: I already have the money. Why should I help you out?
Nell: I don't know.
Hachi: Well, because I'm such a nice, selfless-
Andy coughs loudly.
Hachi: -guy, then I'll help you anyway. And Andy, stay away from me. I think you're getting a cold.
Andy: Yeah, I think I (he sneezes a few times) am. I'm going to go drink some orange juice.
Andy leaves.
Many plot twists and unexpected turns later...
Grit: I have discovered the secret to Sturm's power!
Andy: What are you doing here in Orange Star?
Grit: That's not important. I have discovered that Sturm...has one major weakness. If we manage to exploit it, we'll stop all of his advances.
Max: Fine. What?
Grit: All we have to do is find the Ring and destroy it!
Andy: You mean that movie that if you watch it, you die in 7 days? Because that's a hoax--it's been 49 days since then!
Nell: That was a typo. It's actually in 7 weeks.
Andy suddenly looks sick and turns slightly green.
Andy: Can I be excused?
Nell: No.
Andy: You don't want to make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry!
Andy becomes completely green, gets bigger and looks much, MUCH stronger. He starts destroying everything in sight.
Grit: Great. I'll have to explain this in the next part.
What is this "ring"? Will it be another parody? Probably. Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 10
Previously, we discovered that Sturm's power (or more importantly, his army's power) had something to do with a "ring". Let's see exactly what.
Grit: Okay, Sturm's power comes from this really cool ring that rules all other rings.
Andy: ALL other rings?
Grit: Yep. Every ring.
Andy: Even boxing rings?
Grit: No, I mean rings as in rings on your finger.
Andy: Oh.
Grit: So all we have to do is find the ring and throw it into some kind of thing that can destroy it!
Sonja: Let me guess. Mt. Doom?
Eagle: Why are we all here?
Lord Seth: Because you all want to defeat Black Hole, and you have to do it by working together.
Grit: Okay, first we have to find the ring. I wonder where we could find it. So let's spread out!
One hour later...
Colin: Wow! Who would've guessed that the ring would be in a Lost and Found?
Grit: Okay! Now we just need to split up! But first we have to find the person who wears the ring. You know, the Ring-Wearer.
Drake: Don't you mean Ring-Bearer?
Grit: I don't want to be sued.
Drake: But the person who has the ring isn't supposed to put it on!
Jess: WHY?!
Drake: Some kind of plot device.
2 books later...
Adder: Sturm, you might want to be careful. I mean, the guys are going to throw your ring into Mt. Boom.
Sturm: Oh, who cares? I mean, it's not like all of my power is invested in the ring and I'll be destroyed, right?
Adder: Actually, it's exactly like that.
Sturm: Good. Then I have no problem at all.
Meanwhile...
Hawke: All I have to do is get the ring and use its power for myself! Then I can kill Sturm and take my rightful place as leader of Black Hole.
Flak: But the ring seduces people with its promises of power! Then they become all crazed and think they're some kind of creature called Gollum.
Lord Seth: Why isn't this parody ending up the way I wanted it to?
Flak: I don't know. It's your own fault if it didn't. You're the writer.
Lord Seth: (grumble) Stupid characters with free will always screwing up all my ideas. (storms off)
Flak: That was pointless.
Was it pointless? Of course. Will this parody of Lord of the Rings get anywhere? Probably not. Why am I answering all these questions? Because I WANT to, that's why! Do I care if you don't like it? No. Tune into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.75 VI! If we ever get it done, anyway.
Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 11
Lord Seth: Wow! This season is long! I mean, 11 parts! I mean, 11! That's 5 more than 6! 6 more than 5! 4 more than 7! 1 more than 10! 1 less than 12! 4 more than...
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Well, somewhere along the way that whole Lord of the Rings parody was resolved. Of course, we didn't actually see it, because Lord Seth is a lazy writer.
Lord Seth: Hey, YOU try keeping something up this long! Especially when working on a lot of other stories! It's not easy, you know. IT'S NOT EASY! I just make it LOOK easy.
Colin: Excuses, excuses.
Olaf: Excuses, excuses.
Grit: Why did you say the same thing as Colin?
Olaf: Because I'm too lazy to think up my own lines.
Grit: You just did.
Olaf: I did? Wow! I impress myself sometimes!
Just then, a giant meteor hit Wars World, blowing it up! Every living being there was blown to smithereens, except for every living being. Everyone was immediately evacuated to another planet, which, by pure coincidence, had the exact same geography and infrastructure as the first one. So, in other words, yes, this entire line was completely pointless.
Later...
Sturm: NOOOOO! My One Ring To Rule Them All has been thrown into some really hot place and has been destroyed!
Hawke: Um, Sturm? That ring never belonged to you.
Sturm: Oh. Right. I wonder who it belonged to.
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...
Frodo: Uh-oh! We lost the ring somewhere alone the way. What do we do, Sam?
Sam: Let's make up a really long and cool-sounding story and pass it off as the truth. That way we'll still get all the credit!
Frodo: Right! Now THAT's a plan! But can we make sure to leave out the part where we ate Gollum because we got really hungry?
Back in our original story...
Sturm: Drats! Our plan has failed! All of the reinforcements I requested have been destroyed! I hope they don't think too badly of me back at the homeworld.
At Sturm's homeworld...
Alien: Well, Sturm bungled up the troops we sent him.
Alien 2: Oh, don't worry. I planned it that way. I just sent all of our really incompetent troops. Without them, our army is more competent!
Alien: Oh. Right. So do we go and conquer the universe now?
Alien 2: No. We stay here and watch TV.
Alien: Sounds like a plan!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: This is the last part! We have time for only one more plan before this ends!
Hawke: Well, we could try a new plan in Advance Wars 3...
Sturm: No! I'm not going to wait for 3! I'm going to succeed in 2.75!
Lord Seth: 2.75 VI, you mean.
Sturm: Vee-eye?
Lord Seth: No, it's not vee-eye! It's the roman numeral for the number 6!
Sturm: What's a roman numeral? Actually, come to think of it, what's a roman and what's a numeral?
Lord Seth: Never mind.
Sturm: Tell me. Will I manage to conquer Wars World with this new attempt?
Lord Seth: No.
Sturm: Well, you heard him! Let's go!
Hawke: He just said you wouldn't succeed.
Sturm: What does HE know? He's just the guy that knows everything about this story, you know.
Hawke: I hate you so much.
Sturm: Is that bad?
Hawke: It depends. If you're Sturm, it's bad. But it's not bad if you're someone else.
Sturm: Who is this "someone else"?
Hawke: Um...anyone who isn't you?
Sturm: Who is this "anyone who isn't you"?
Hawke: I know I should give up right now, but in jokes like this, third time's the charm, so...anyone who isn't you is every single person on the planet except for you.
Sturm: Oh. I get it.
Hawke: You DO?!
Sturm: Of course! Only a complete and utter IDIOT couldn't understand what you were trying to say!
Hawke: You've rendered me speechless.
Sturm: How can you be speechless if you're talking?
Hawke: Uh...that's actually a pretty good point.
Sturm: No matter! Now to conquer Wars World with my latest evil scheme!
Flak: How far alone are you in your planning?
Sturm: Pretty far. All I have to do is decide what the plan is.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Strange...I keep thinking something bad is about to happen. Like Black Hole conquering the world or something. But what could this bad thing that's about to happen be?
Drake: Do you think it has to do with the fact you're walking with your eyes closed and are about to fall into an almost-bottomless pit?
Eagle: No.
Eagle falls into the almost-bottomless pit.
Drake (calling down): Don't worry! You'll only fall for 2 years less than forever!
Jess: I guess that's why it's called an almost-bottomless pit.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Wow! A whole week has gone by and nothing bad has happened to me! Maybe my luck is changing!
TV Announcer: And the winning lottery numbers are 4-5-3-1-3-5-3!
Sonja: Wow! I actually won!
TV Announcer: I'd like to remind you that you must be 18 or older to be eligible for winning this lottery.
Sonja: Drat. Am I 18?
Lord Seth: I don't think so.
Sonja: Oh well. At least nothing bad happened to me.
1 minute of nothing happening later...
Sonja: Wow! Nothing did happen!
Lord Seth: That's the joke. See, usually something bad does happen, so the joke is that nothing did happen.
Sonja: I don't get it.
Lord Seth: Neither do I. By the way, where are Kanbei and Sensei anyway?
Sonja: I don't know. I think they said something about doing something.
Lord Seth: That's not very descriptive.
Meanwhile...
Sensei: Yes! We have successfully driven Black Hole from our shores!
Kanbei: Didn't we do that last episode?
Sensei: I don't know. My memory isn't what it used to be. If I remember correctly, that is.
-Orange Star-
Hachi: All right! Who wants to hear my latest diabolic plan to make more money?
Crickets chirp.
Hachi: Man, no one other than crickets want to hear?
More crickets chirp.
Hachi: Well, I might as well say it. I'm going to kidnap all the crickets and use them as slaves. Since they're not humans, I don't have to follow minimum wage or labor laws! Isn't that a great idea? And best of all, the crickets have no idea!
The crickets in the room all surround Hachi and start moving towards him.
Hachi: Oops.
The crickets all jump onto Hachi.
Hachi: AAAHHHH! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Okay, NOW my plan is ready.
Lash: Ooh! Ooh! Does it involve powerful inventions?
Flak: Does it involve lots of smashing?
Adder: Does it involve...well, whatever it is I'm interested in?
Hawke: Does it involve killing you and taking my rightful place as leader of Black Hole?
Sturm: Nope, but those are all great ideas! My plan is to plant time bombs all over the rest of Wars World!
Lash: When do the bombs go off?
Sturm: 53 years from now.
Lash: Wouldn't it make more sense to make it, you know, less than a year?
Sturm: No.
Lash: Hawke?
Hawke: Yes?
Lash: Kill him.
Hawke kills Sturm in a surprisingly non-violent fashion.
Hawke: So I guess everything's back to the way it was at the end of Advance Wars 2.
Lord Seth: Exactly! NOTHING is different! Absolutely NOTHING at all! Well, except for Eagle falling down the almost bottomless pit. I'll have to do something about that.
Meanwhile...
Andy: Wow! Absolutely EVERYTHING is COMPLETELY different!
Sami: No it isn't.
Andy: Then why does everything look different?
Nell: Because you're wearing really powerful glasses when you have 20-20 vision.
Andy: I guess that makes sense. No wonder Max looked like a gorilla!
Sami: He always looks like that.
Max: Hey! I take offense at that!
Lord Seth: Well, I guess this is as good a place to end this as any.
Max: I take offense at that, too.
Lord Seth: WHY?!
Max: I don't know.
Is this really the end? Well, I guess so, since it's the last episode. And I mean that seriously, not as a joke like in Advance Wars 2.5. So don't tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 VI or Advance Wars 2.75 VII, because there won't be another episode, unless we decide to bring out an Advance Wars 2.875 or some junk like that. But not even WE're that stupid. Right? Right? Right?
Lord Seth: Actually, we probably are. Well, if you need to fill the humor void in your life because this is over, just go and watch The Fairly Oddparents, on Nickelodeon! Man, that Butch Hartman is a freaking genius...not as big a genius as me, but close!