PART THREE: FIGHTING THROUGH THE PAIN
Obi-Wan took his time to return to the safety of the Jedi Temple. He decided to explore the deserted city on foot. It was a long walk, but enough to clear his head. Long walks became a hobby of his, to clear his mind of the past and the upcoming battles he had to face, since the beginning of the war. No one questioned another Jedi about their work unless it was necessary. But Obi-Wan always feared the looks of distrust and betrayal in the other Jedis' faces. They hated him for letting Anakin go. They didn't intentionally tell him otherwise, but even the people of Coruscant heard about the lost of a Padawan to the dark side.
He held his cloak tightly around him, concealing his face with the safety of his hood. He felt it was too late to make others believe otherwise and they had to accept it, just as he was trying to. He ran his hand over his eye to realize a lone tear escaped from it.
He was thinking about Padmé. About her safety. About protecting her. And if it was wise to leave her alone the way he did. He didn't truly tell her the truth about what he was feeling for her, nor could he question her feelings about him. He had other things to worry about. Far too many things to worry about rather than some small issue as love.
"Who needs it?" He questioned himself. "It will only get in the way. And what makes it worst, it will leave far too many scars if your heart breaks." He sighed. "I should know. I went through heartbreak. I saw another go through the same thing. Qui-Gon, my own master. He wanted revenge, just as I still do, but must fight to control it. It's not what a Jedi must worry about. A human. A humanoid or even droid. But a Jedi? No. I knew he pledged himself to Tahl, just as she did to him. A relationship that went beyond friends and into love. I had done the same with Sabé. I, too, never got the chance to tell her how much she changed my life. It ended to soon. Qui-Gon with Tahl. Myself with Sabé."
He turned into an alley and pulled out something from inside his tunic. Qui-Gon's river stone as a present for his 13th birthday and a power crystal from Sabé. Both had a significance that he hoped would never leave him. He needed to talk to Qui-Gon. He wanted to talk to Sabé. He needed to talk to someone about these feelings he had. He just didn't know who to turn to. Or where to go.
Padmé stood at the door leading out to the balcony. Her eyes danced about the lights that illuminated the night sky. It was a wondrous thing to look at. But especially something one could cherish better with someone at their side. She wasn't truly sure if these feelings for Obi-Wan would pass or if it was telling her something more. She only hoped that Anakin wouldn't betray her, leave her with nothing to hold except for the babies awaiting to come into the world, but only to be taken away for their own safety. "Anakin, please. Come back home. Come back to me, see the gift you gave me," she whispered.
The walk tired the Jedi out, and by the time he got to the Temple, all he wanted to do was to rest. Needed to sleep in peace. The eerie silence in the halls had come as a welcoming to most returning Jedi. Several were out on other worlds helping to fight against the separatists stationed there, convincing the local people that the Republic wasn't crumbling and trying to create new amends to failing governments. But what came worst was not knowing what was in store for anyone in the future. The Jedi feared it most, the ways they could foresee into the future was no longer on their side. Everyone had their own views on the situation at hand.
Mas Amedda, the Vice Chairman of the Republic, held what was left of the Republic together. But most could not accept it. Didn't want to accept it, for he was far too loyal in the ways that ex-Supreme Chancellor Valorum ran things, he couldn't begin to follow the lead that Palpatine possessed. Now, everyone feared what would happen when Palpatine decided to reveal himself to the Republic again.
There was no one to greet the Jedi when he reached the confides of his quarters, just like it had been for months. What was once a place he shared with Qui-Gon, a place he shared with Anakin, was no longer in wake of their return—only him, alone. The door slid open. He took small steps inside, in hopes not to disturb what was beyond the threshold, but was only darkness. The darkness of the room made his throat tighten. He wavered his hand over the light-pad and the room lit up, instantly. He stood at the threshold for a long time. Then he realized his throat singed with heat, his chest felt like it was caving in. He could feel the darkness of the Dark Side come alive around him, haunting him, taunting him. He was the prey in a game of torment.
His eyes grew narrow and his face was lit with fury. It was a strange feeling, but one thing was clear in Obi-Wan's mind: he wanted to get rid of it. Some way. Somehow. He looked about the room, wildly. The first thing that came in contact with the sole of his boot was a plant next to the door. The vase smashed, spilling the contents of water onto the floor. He pushed himself forward and tore at the holo-vision and holo-phone. He overturned the chairs and couches with ease. With such ambition to free the cold feeling he had inside. The whole room was left in ruins within minutes, and it was only the beginning of letting the rage go free.
Yoda was deep in meditation in the Room of a Thousand Fountains, when he felt a strange disturbance in the Force. The calm serene impulse of the meditation ended, quickly. Concern was on his face when the footsteps of an approaching Jedi came onto the path by the old master. Yoda took several deep breaths and turned his head to acknowledge the Council Member standing before him. Mace Windu greeted him with a bow.
There was a saddened look on the elder Jedi's face. "Anger I sense. Rage. Conflict among a Jedi in the Temple."
Mace sighed. "With Obi-Wan." He knew, instantly. "No doubt he is still blaming himself for Anakin leaving the Order."
"That he is. But another conflict he has," Yoda nodded. "Seeks much comfort from the ex-Senator he does."
"He questions their relationship as friends," Mace stated, rather than questioned.
Yoda's eyes fell to his lap. "Going beyond it, it appears. Afraid he is to make a mistake. And angry it is making him."
Mace turned, getting ready to leave. "I should go speak to him."
There was a slight unease in Yoda. He felt another ping in the Force.
Yoda, let Obi-Wan learn on his own. It may be a long road of hardship to fix, but he is capable of coming out stronger from it. Qui-Gon directed, slowly.
It brought a smile to his face, but was hidden quickly. "Let him be we must, Mace. Come to us in time, he will."
"We do not need another Jedi to get distracted by such notions," Mace directed. "This isn't the time for it."
A shuffle of footsteps crossed behind the tall dark Jedi. A tall figure, concealed in a hood, sat on a rock close by. The presence was calm, like all the Jedi Masters in the Temple, but was ghostly. Arms rose to clear away the hood and a long mane of hair fell from beyond the hood. The man hadn't aged in years, but showed such signs of fatigue and weathering. His face seemed more radiant than ever and it seemed time slowed for that very moment. The maverick Jedi, the Council would come to direct in the past, stood before the two Council member. Qui-Gon Jinn. The two Jedi Council members turned to him.
"Master Qui-Gon Jinn," Yoda greeted.
"Master Yoda," Qui-Gon bowed. "And Master Windu."
"Strange to actually see you standing here before us," Mace said as a way of greeting. "I'd never thought I'd see the day you decide to greet us looking like that."
Qui-Gon managed a smile. "Nor did I expect to leave to hear such hostile gestures about my old apprentice even now," he countered.
"He has become quite the rebel, Qui-Gon. He has taken much from you," Mace commented.
"But made a level of himself as a great general he has," Yoda added. "Much respect he gets from fellow Jedi and clonetroopers."
"Until about three months ago," Qui-Gon stated.
The two Jedi nodded slowly, creating an eerie silence.
"His troops still follow his orders, but several Jedi have not looked at him the same way since Anakin has left," Mace was the first to speak.
"I don't blame —" Qui-Gon tried to say.
"The boy was dangerous, Qui-Gon," Mace's voice rose slightly, interrupting the other Jedi.
"But he is still the Chosen One. What I saw and felt in Anakin was unlike anything I have experienced. And I still won't back down from that."
"Confident you still are that Anakin Skywalker will bring balance to the Force," Yoda stated.
Qui-Gon nodded. "I wouldn't have it any other way. I believe that. And I know Obi-Wan does too."
"Dangerous this war has gotten. Lost many we already have."
"The progress is slow, I know, Master Yoda. But when this all ends soon enough, the Republic will be stronger than ever. There will be scars on everyone, but we will still honor what has happened in the past and learn from it."
"I hope you are right, old friend," Mace surrendered a sigh.
"The Force will guide us to a new beginning. And that's when the balance will be complete. And Anakin will bring it," Qui-Gon stated clearly.
He didn't seem to care if he was a ghostly image to the two masters. He was still much of a maverick alive as dead. And once he made a comment he felt strong about, he wasn't going to back down. He had several strong opinions that made the Council surrender agreement–but still had many that put both his teaching and Obi-Wan's training at risk.
"Worried about Obi-Wan we are, however," Yoda sighed again, pushing away the images of rage he saw in the young Jedi.
"Afraid of change," Qui-Gon pointed out. "He was always like that. Afraid to accept---no, he always wanted to learn more about the Force, but now he has gotten beyond that. He acts on impulses of the past, because he doesn't want to accept what could become a tragic future. Like all of us, all the mistakes he makes are on his shoulders, and he is letting them control him, rather than letting them go. I cannot tell him otherwise, but guide him, as you two always have."
"He still blames himself about your death," Mace said, quietly.
"12 years now." Qui-Gon nodded. "And he acts almost on revenge, but something holds him back, like it did for me all those years ago. But now, he is afraid he will fail in protecting Padmé. And with that alone, is creating a relationship that could easily fall into love if he continues to let the mistakes of his past control him. He cannot get caught up in the moment."
"Speak to him you must, Qui-Gon," Yoda directed.
Qui-Gon surrendered a sigh. "And you make that sound so easy, but it is not. There are certain personal things he must free himself from before he is even ready to contact me. Patience, my masters. All we can do is wait."
Obi-Wan staggered up the small steps to the rooms near him. His entire body shook with fear and rage, but a small impulse kept him from going beyond sheer loss to the dark side. He caught his breath. The vigorous screaming in his head grew louder and the images of a fiery lavapit grew immensely. Two rooms that stayed untouched for the longest time stood before him–Qui-Gon's and Anakin's.
"Nooooo!" he cried, pushing himself away from the raging sight.
There was an unbelievable fury growing inside of him. His hands were dripping bloody red from the vicious attacks he gave the room. His right hand swung at the keypad to his room, lighting up sparks, the door slid open, instantly. He pulled himself into the room. His face was dripping with sweat, stinging his bloody hands when he wiped the sweat from his eyes. The Force felt strange, it wasn't dark, but nor could it have been light. He questioned the factor if it was a good or bad feeling as well. He almost felt afraid, and for the first time, realized that these emotions were not from the Force, but personal feelings inside him.
He had smashed up several glass sculptures he made in the past, and threw several training droids out the window. He held his repulsor chair firmly in his hands, ready to made a driving throw into the distant wall, but stopped short when his eyes laid fixed on a holo-pic. He slowly dropped the chair, and cocked his head in confusion. He caught his breath in slow motions, continuing to look at the holo-pic.
The blue-haze border flickered to show the vision of the holopic. Obi- Wan's shields dropped slowly, and the strange rage was diminishing into the depths of his soul. The holo-pic was taken twenty years ago with his master, Qui-Gon Jinn holding him in a headlock with a wide smile–one of the only captured moments of the Jedi having fun. Then he looked at the frame beside it. It was of Anakin and himself in a tired heap of wrestling, twelve years ago. A small smile came to his face.
He took the two frames into his grasp and found his way to the side of his bed. For a long time, his eyes never left the comfort of the pictures. He wanted so badly to see those days, again. He didn't want Anakin to believe that he was all about the training and teaching, but could have fun, too. Through the years had lost interest. Qui-Gon didn't want him to think the same way. He wanted Obi-Wan to have fun as well. Obi-Wan looked away, his hands beginning to shake. Then the frames fell, and it was too late to save them. They smashed and sparked, instantly, once they hit the ground, the pictures were gone.
He held his right hand down firmly to his thigh, trying to stop the shaking–the hand which held the lightsaber firmly that killed the menacing Sith that destroyed his master's life, 12 years ago. The hand that wanted so badly to destroy the creature that took his true love's life. It didn't seem to work. He looked down just as tears began to form again. He reached into his cloak and pulled out his lightsaber. He crouched low to protect it, studying the hilts of it with his fingertips.
"No. No. Please, don't leave me," he heard himself say.
"I won't leave you," a voice whispered.
"Never?"
"Don't say never, Ben. I'm always here." a small soft gentle hand touched his roughly cut right hand.
"Always?" he asked to confirm.
But before he heard another reply, he felt a cold jolt run down his back. He pulled away and grabbed his head.
: Obi-Wan, you can't escape. Come to me. :
He groaned, trying to push the voice away.
: Follow your destiny, Obi-Wan. Face me. Face me, Jedi. :
"No. Go away. I won't give into my hate," he cried.
: Don't force it out. You can face me and it can end quickly. You will only make this harder by holding back more. :
"No," he shook his head roughly. "It doesn't work that way. What do you want from me? Why haunt me?" he demanded.
: Face me, Obi-Wan. Your destiny lies with me. :
Obi-Wan felt his knees give way underneath him. His breath grew icy. He began to shiver. He shook the voice away, feeling something embrace him. He could feel the warmth of someone caring for him deeply, just like his master. He wrapped the cloak closely around him, but it felt like it wasn't enough.
"Ben, don't leave me," the voice said.
"I won't leave you," he whispered.
: You will fail, Obi-Wan. It won't go away. You're mine. :
"Ben, please. Talk to me," the voice pleaded.
He buried his head into his knees.
Obi-Wan, remember what I've told you. Fight it. Don't let the Dark Side consume you. Qui-Gon spoke firmly.
"Don't leave me, Master," he said, inaudibly.
I won't leave you, Obi-Wan. I never have and I still don't plan to. Don't give into the Dark Side.
: Follow your destiny, Obi-wan. Face me. Face me like the pathetic Jedi you are. :
Don't give into your anger, Obi-Wan. Don't let pain consume you, let it go through a calm state. Fight it. Fight it like you did the past.
"Yes, Master," he nodded slowly.
"Please, Ben. Get up," a ghostly figure entered the room.
Obi-Wan pushed himself to one knee. His grip tightened around the lightsaber. "Why did you leave me?"
"How could you say that, Ben? I never left you. I never— "
He turned to look at the ghostly figure before him. His eyes vigilant, making the figure stir. He voice was low. "You left me."
The figure hadn't aged in years. The face was still young, wearing the hooded orange cloak to conceal much of her beauty. Sabé shook her head in despair. "I never left you, Ben. I never have. I never would. You've only pushed me away. It's like you're trying to avoid me. Forget I even existed. Why? Why, Ben?"
"I don't know!" his voice rose in a fury.
She looked away, trails of tears streaked her eyes. "Don't I mean anything to you anymore?"
"I never said that," he said quietly.
"Then why do you lock me away? Lock me away like you do to Qui-Gon? Act like we don't even exist to you."
"I don't know," he replied.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No," he shook his head, guilty.
"Then why? Why lock me away and keep me caged up? I loved you, Ben. I still do," she said. Her voice shook, slightly. She approached him slowly.
His gaze was still affixed to the ground. He felt like such a fool. For once, he was beginning to opening up to his feelings and he only made things worse by hurting the one person he never wanted to. He couldn't run away from the pain anymore. He wanted to move on. But even as emotional and painful as it was, it burned in the inside. The past was setting a station inside his brain to haunt him.
"Why have you come back?" he questioned more for himself.
"Because you want to move on. Accept things as they are and in return, hope it will destroy some of the burden on your shoulders," she spoke softly, but firmly.
He pulled away. He looked back at her, then at the ground. He chuckled quietly. "I must be delusional. I must be crazy to think I could actually be talking to you, Sabé." He watched her face sink to even more sadness. "How can I be talking to you, when you ain't even apart of the Force? You're apart of a life I thought I could of had. Enjoyed. But this?! You're only here to make me suffer. Suffer for letting you die like that!"
"Why would I do that? I'd never want to hurt you, Ben."
"Then why come back?"
"Is it bad for you to just accept I want to talk to you for once? I try so much, and you just push me away. Throw me into some cage and lock me up. But not this time, only because you have something important to say. You're afraid to accept what has happened, and now you need my approval."
Everything she said struck him like a needle. It was painful to listen to. He didn't know what to do. He was lost, and confused within himself. He looked at her, to see her pain and sorrow. She never had to raise her voice in such a way that hurt him, but he felt it well-deserved now. He had been locking her away, and for once, he was giving it a chance, giving them a chance to talk.
He turned away, again. He felt a warm touch embrace his hand. He peered over his shoulder, feeling her head laying on his back. He sighed quietly, embracing the warmth she was sending him. "How can this be? How can I be able to feel your soft skin? That warm embrace?"
"Because the love we share is still strong and pure," she whispered.
"I fear I don't remember what love really is anymore," he replied.
"How can you say that?"
"All those years I was left without you, it's torture," he said, quietly. "I wish that for one day I could see your face again. Touch those lips and hold you close, but it just isn't there. It can't. And it won't."
"And isn't now not enough to change that?"
"You had no right to die. If I could go back to that day, I would have that creature take my life over yours. I couldn't see you suffer anymore than you did." A lone tear escaped his eye.
"It was my time--," she said gently.
"To die so horridly?" he pulled away, shaking his head in dismay. "You died in my arms, Sabé. Don't you realize how hard it was? How hard it still is to wake up from those nightmares of your death? And not just your death, but of Qui-Gon's? Every single day, I wake up hoping nothing happened, but it hasn't. It's all true. And nothing will ever bring you or Qui-Gon back. Nothing! I failed you!"
She was in tears of fright. "Please, Ben." She held out her hand for him.
He ignored it and threw his hand into another vase. "I could never live with my mistakes. I still can't. The scars are still there. They just can't go away. Qui-Gon had to die right when I was so close to moving into the stature of a knight. You had to leave me right when I found true love." He hesitated, catching his breath and retracting his bleeding hand. "You were the first and only person I ever grew emotionally attached to that was beyond friendship. It was beyond what the Force could provide. I never wanted to fail you. I never wanted to hurt you. But worst of all, I couldn't save you from death."
Tears streaked down his cheeks like waterfalls. Sabé's own tears matched his own.
"I'm so sorry, Ben," she cried.
"And now, I've failed Anakin," he mumbled.
She walked up to him and embraced his fallen body as it hit the floor. He could feel the warm embrace calm him, but as he went to hold her in his protective arms, her ghostly image disappeared.
He looked to the ceiling, drying his tears. "I'm sorry, Sabé. I miss you. And I'll always love you."
To be continued....