Fanfiction Four V: The Birth of Q.B. Doom
In your world, Lawndale High was visited by former alumni Tommy Sherman. A former star
quarter back for the Lawndale Lions, he was given the undeserved honor of a goalpost named for
him. In a twist of fate, the goalpost fell on him, killing him. A tree was planted in his memory.
In the reality where the Formidable Four existed, the story ended quite differently.
Everything was the same untill Sherman began insulting Daria in the hallway.
"You know what you are?" he said. "You're just a misery chick. You don't want everyone to
know what a loser you are!"
"You watch what you say to them!" said Jodi.
"And why should I?" asked Sherman.
"Don't you watch the news? They're Phantom and Flamin' Jane of the Formidable Four! They're
/real/ heroes, unlike some people who pretend to be."
"Aw, you wouldn't know a hero if one bit you on your big black ass! Fuck you all. I'm going
to go have a look at /my/ goalpost."
Jodi's eyes flashed in a way they hadn't since she was under Man Hater's power. "I'd like
to kill that bastard for that 'black ass' remark." she said.
"I'll help." Jane offered, lighting the tip of her finger.
"Just tell Mac." said Daria. "He'll take care of him."
"Yeah. By the way, thanks for saving me from Ms Barch."
"That was the guy's doing." Daria admitted. "I'll be sure to tell them you appreciated it."
Meanwhile, "the guys" were sitting outside on the bleachers.
"Kinda weird, huh?" Trent asked Jesse. "Never thought I'd come back to this hellhole."
"Yeah." Jesse agreed.
"Good thing Kenji's back to his old strength. Can't keep a good sensai down, huh?"
"Guess not."
"Think the girls'll want pizza or milkshakes after school?"
"Yeah, cool."
"Something bothering you, Jess?" While normally taciturn around most people, Jesse usually
had more than two words at a time for his best friend. And silent as he was, Jesse usually listened.
Jesse sighed "I dunno. This place brings back a lot of memories- memories I'd just as soon forget."
"Hey, there were good memories. Remember that forge-uh-handwriting replication business you
had going? For kids whose parents were never around to sign report cards and permission slips."
"You were my best customer."
"You gave me a discount for finding clients. And then there were the poker games we had on the
roof during gym class. Man, you cleaned up there, to."
"That reminds me, you owe me a shirt." They had a laugh over their private joke.
"Hey," said Trent. "Remember the time we all went into the woods looking for a dead body?"
"Um, we never did that."
"Oh yeah, that was a movie. I forgot." The two laughed.
"I'm still trying to forget Tommy Sherman." Jesse said. "It's his fault we missed graduation."
"Ah, graduation ceremonies are pretty empty gestures anyway."
"And- we all know what he did later that night."
"No, Jesse, we don't. Probably no one will ever know. All we know is a jury of 12 found him
innocent. That's what they call justice, I guess."
"Candy didn't get justice."
"Whoa, speak of the devil."said Trent. Tommy Sherman swaggered onto the field.
"Well, well." he said. "If it isn't the long-haired stuttering fag and his freaky boyfriend!"
"Go fuck yourself, Sherman." said Trent.
"I hear you fag boys think you're heroes now. Yeah, you're nothin' but a pair of punk losers!
I don't see your goalpost. Plus, they tell me you hang around the misery chick and that artsy-fartsy
girl who would look good if she had tits."
"You better watch your damn mouth!" Trent started to get up.
"Cool it, dude." Jesse whispered.
"I'll say what I want 'cuz I'm Tommy Sherman! And Tommy Sherman says what he wants and there
ain't a damn thing you can do about it! I am the best there ever was and ever will be!" The wind
started to pick up. "Someday, after you two faggots get married you can tell your adopted kids you
knew me when!" The goalpost swayed in the wind. "You can tell 'em 'Tommy Sherman was the greatest
hero any gridiron ever knew.' but, you guys were to wimpy for football, so you wouldn't understand."
"Uh, dude, the goalpost..." Trent started to warn him.
"Yes! My goalpost! A fitting tribute to my prowess on the field!" He didn't notice his "tribute"
was swaying precariously in the wind.
"Listen, it's gonna..."
"Quiet, worm! I'm in my moment!"
"WATCH OUT!" Trent advised, as he stretched his arms out to shove Sherman to safety. The goalpost
fell to the ground with a crash. A crowd soon gathered.
"Omigod the goalpost fell down!" someone yelled.
"Is Tommy Sherman OK?" asked Kevin.
"He's fine." someone said. "I saw the whole thing. Sir Stretchalot saved him!"
Some football players tried to help Sherman get up. "Leame alone!" he said, oblivious to a trickle
of blood issuing from his mouth. " I can get up by mythelf."
"Wha-what did you say?'' a player asked as Trent and Jesse came down to the field.
"I thaid I can get up by mythelf! Are you deaf or jutht thtupid?" Sherman realized what he
was saying. He tasted blood in his mouth. "My tooth!" he cried. "He knocked out my tooth and now I'm lithping
like a goddam fag!"
"I'll find it!" Kevin started searching the grass.
"Thith ith all your fault, Lane! You'll pay for thith!"
"Why? Don't you have dental insurance?" Some of Daria's wit had rubbed off on Trent.
"Hey, Sherman." said Jesse. "Remember when you made fun of me for stuttering? In case you
haven't noticed, I don't do it anymore. You have a lisp. How does it feel?"
"I thuppothe you wanna kick my ath now."
"You know, I /could/ crush your skull like an eggshell if I wanted to. But I won't. Know why?"
"All thethe witnetheth?"
"Uh-yeah. And because I'm not like you." Jesse turned and walked away.
"That won't stop me from kicking your ass!" said Mac, taking Sherman by the collar. "You
wanna talk about my girlfriend's ass some more, bitchlet?"
"I can't find the tooth!" said Kevin. "Dammit, Stretchabunch, why'd you knock out Tommy Sherman's tooth!?"
"He would've died if I didn't push him." said Trent.
Mac slammed Sherman in the nads. The great former quarter back went down sqealing like a pig.
"You will all pay for thith!" Sherman sqeaked.
Hours later, as the sun was setting, Jesse returned to the football field. The goalpost was
still down. He decided he might as well put it back. He hefted up the steel post and positioned
it back into place. A familiar firey figure alighted in front of him. "Trent said you'd be here."
Jane said, turning off her flames.
"Yeah." he said, trying to shift the wobbly post into place.
"You hold it steady." said Jane. "I'll tamp down the earth." Together, they replaced the
goalpost. "I heard about the altercation with Tommy Sherman. You said he used to make fun of you
for stuttering?"
"Yeah." Jesse started to walk away. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about.
"Is that why you hardly ever speak?" Jane asked, walking along side of him. "Because some
jerkwad made fun of you when you were a kid?"
"All through grade school, all through high school." he said.
"Jesse, you don't stammer. I don't even remember you stammering."
"It started when I was 10. The school made me go to speech therapy." He sighed. "And right
after I got over the stutter-well-my voice cracked."
"But, you have a beautiful voice now."
"You really think so?"
"You mean you haven't noticed?"
"People usually have no clue what their voice really sounds like." He sat down on a bleacher
and looked at the setting sun. Jane sat next to him. For once, she wasn't bothered by his silence.
She finally decided she should say something.
"So, you don't speak because you think someone will make fun of you?"
"Yeah."
"Jesse, I for one would never make fun of you. Friends don't do that."
What if I say something dumb, or make you angry?"
"Give yourself a little credit, Jesse. And give me some while you're at it. I don't get angry
over little things and you're not dumb. Because you don't speak much, a lot of people think you're
stupid. I'll admit, I used to, not anymore. A stupid person wouldn't know how to talk me into
turning off my flames."
"It's better to be silent and have people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and
remove all doubt."
"Jesse, you know Mark Twain?"
"Trent and I did a project about him in 9th grade. I guess some of it stuck in my head."
"You're not a fool, Jesse." she took his hand. She noticed he was blushing and fidgeted a
little. "What's the matter? You act like you never held hands with a girl before."
"Um-well-a-actually-I-I..." The stammer returned.
"Omigod!" Jane jumped up. "If you've never even held hands with a girl, that means you're a..."
He placed two fingers against her full lips. "Please don't say the V word."
"What's wrong with the V word? I'm the V word."
"That's different. You're younger than me and a girl."
"Hell-oo double standard."
"See? I've already said something dumb."
"Look, Jesse, it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to save yourself for marriage, it's
your choice. No one should judge you for it. Yourself least of all."
"Umm..it isn't exactly a choice." Uncomfortable silence.
"Jesse, you could have any girl you wanted. With your looks, that voice..."
"Jane, I don't want just any girl. I want someone special who will like me for who I am. But,
I'm to shy to get any one interested. My looks aren't that great. I only look this way cause I
used to pump iron to relieve stress. Now, I do curls with my Range Rover. And...I kinda look like
my mom. She was beautiful."
Jane noticed the past tense. Now she was tongue tied. "So... pumping iron relives stress,
huh? I do a little jogging myself."
"I had a therapist recomend it. Not a speech therapist."
"You mean the lie on the couch and talk about your crappy childhood kind?"
"Nah, they don't use couches anymore. I've been diagnosed with anhedonia, PTSD, clinical
depression, social anxiety- you name it I got it. My medicine cabinet is full of stuff that has
either an X or a Z in its name. I'm really messed up."
"Jesse, you're not messed up. But, you should probably keep taking the medicine. Maybe you can
talk to a doctor about tapering off, or taking another treatment if you want."
"I don't really want to do electroshock therapy."
"Whatever you decide to do, Jesse, I'll always be there for you." He took her in his arms
and held her for a very long time.
Meanwhile, Daria was at Casa Lane watching Sick, Sad World with Trent.
"Could your pet chihuahua be a rabid sewer rat? Stay tuned to Sick, Sad World."
"Trent," said Daria. "Do you really think Tommy Sherman will do anything?"
"He's been a bully since kindergarten." Trent poured a couple of sodas. "Jesse got it the
worst. Jesse had long hair, wasn't into sports, played music, lifted weights, and didn't jump in bed
with every girl who got near him. In Sherman's book, that made him a fag."
"So..Is he? You know- gay?"
"Nah." Trent had a seat next to her. "He likes girls. He just can't talk to them."
"Can he talk to anyone?"
"That's one of the things he got made fun of for. Jesse- he's been through a lot. When he
was 10, his mom died. Cancer. His dad started drinking and his older brother killed himself. Most
adults couldn't cope with that. How do you think a kid would?"
"I- never knew this."
"Jesse started stuttering. He took speech therapy and I told Sheman and his buddies to leave
him alone. Got suspended from school for giving the punk a black eye." Trent sighed. "Daria, do you
think I did the right thing? Saving Sherman back there?"
"Trent, You're a hero. Because of your powers, some may call you a superhero. That doesn't
make you judge, jury and executioner."
"That does sound like more responsibility than I want. Funny thing is, there was a time when
I thought the bastard otta hang."
"Just for making fun of Jesse?"
"Hear me out. It was graduation time. Jesse and I were debating on whether or not to attend
the graduation ceremony. Neither of us had any family that was going to bother attending and I
thought it was just a long boring ordeal. Then, Candy came up to us."
"Candy?"
"This was her name, I kid you not. She was head cheerleader, and consequently, the QB's
favorite girlfriend. She was dumb as a box of rocks, but very nice. You know the type."
"A little to well." Daria thought of Brittany.
"Well, Candy tells us that Sherman and his goons were going to play a cruel prank on Jesse at
the ceremony. They were all going to chant 'faggot' as he walked on stage. Candy said she thought
this was just too mean and that we shouldn't tell anyone she talked to us. Jesse decided he wasn't
going to graduation. I wasn't going if he wasn't, so we decided we'd just have pizza and videos
at my house. A day later, Candy was declared missing. Her mother said she went to a graduation party
with Sherman and never came back. Kids at the party said they had a fight and Candy walked out.
Sherman left about an hour later. Candy's body was found a month later, lying in a ditch just outside
town. By then, they had to identify her by her dental records. Tommy Sherman was suspect number one."
"Let me guess, the trial was a mini-OJ."
"More or less. He had motive, means and opportunity. But, his dad hired a big-shot lawyer
to get him off. Liberty and Justice for the rich, man." He sighed. "But, all I have to go on is
hunches."
"And Jesse just walked away without going medival on him?"
"Jesse's more complex than he seems. I think having superpowers might bring him out of his
shell a little. But, he's never going to be a chatterbox. He said once that he was never hurt by
anything he didn't say."
"Do you believe that, Trent?"
"I don't know. There was a song lyric that goes 'You say it best when you say nothing at all.'
But, there are times when something has to be said."
"In that vein, Trent, there's something I've always wanted to say. Trent, I've -I..."
"Go on."
"I've always liked you. A lot. Your the first guy I've ever met who didn't treat me like
swamp slime. You actually listen to me. You make me feel good about myself. Not many people can do that."
"Would you believe I feel the same way about you? But..."
"I knew a but was coming."
"I know you're very mature for your age, but I don't wanna get slapped with fooling around
with a minor charges. Hell, I could get arrested for doing what we're doing now."
"Talking?"
"Alone. On the couch. In my house. And your parents. Excuse me for saying so, but your dad
seems a little clueless. Your mom, however, scares me."
"I'm already rebelling against them by being the Phantom, so what the Hell?''
"Yeah, what the Hell." They shared their first kiss.
"Pretty good." she said. "Even if you do taste like Cherry Coke."
Meanwhile, in an apartment downtown, Shermen was heating a football helmet in the oven. He
took it out and placed it on his head, melding metal to flesh. With the acrid stench of searing
skin, Tommy Sherman died and QB Doom was born.
The doorbell buzzed.
"Who dareth dithturb the thanctum of QB Doom?" he asked, opening the door. It was Kevin Thompson.
"Hi Tommy!" he said cheerfully. "Now that you've declared vengeance and become a wicked-cool
super villian, I was wondering if you needed a sidekick."
"QB Doom has no uthe for a thimpering thidekick! Be gone!"
"Aw, c'mon! Please let me be your sidekick? I'll do whatever you tell me to do."
"Hmm...anything?"
"Sure dude!"
"I want you to thteal a thample of the mithery chick'th handwriting."
"Who's that?"
"The mithery chick. Ugly girl, Coke bottle glatheth, mouthy hair, no titth. Black girl called
her Phantom or thomething."
"Oh, you mean Daria!"
"Yeth, tomorrow, you mutht thteal a thample of her handwriting."
"What's a thample?"
"A thample, you thimplton! Thomething the wrote on that I can copy from!"
"Oh! A sample!"
"Thatth what I thaid!"
"Um...how?"
"Do I have to do all the thinking for you? Yeth, I thuppothe I do. Tell one of the teacherth
that you wanna help grade paperth for extra credit. They fall for that thit all the time! When
you thee thomething with Daria'th name on it, bring it to me."
"You got it dude! Hey, can you say 'Sufferin Succotash'?"
"No."
The next day at school there was a test on /The Scarlet Letter/ in English class. At the
sound of the bell, the students turned in their papers and left. Only Kevin lingered.
"Hey, Mr. O'Neil, could I help you grade the papers? You know, for extra credit and stuff."
"Oh, Kevin! I'm so happy that you've finally taken an interest in your grades! Of course you
may help me." He opened the teacher's edition. "Here are the answers. This card will show you how
to grade the papers. And, try to be objective when you get to the essay section. I'm going out for coffee."
As soon as he was gone Kevin riffled through the papers untill he found one with "Daria Morgendorfer"
at the top. This is just what QB Doom wants! he thought.
The next day was Saturday. Trent woke up and went downstairs to grab something to eat. Damn,
no milk. he thought, looking in the refridgerator. Guess I'm having my coffee black. He munched
on a granola bar and slurped his coffee. Wonder if the incident with Sherman and the goalpost
made the paper. he thought. Janey would like it for her scrapbook. He went out and grabbed the
paper. On the way back in he noticed a note pinned to the door in Daria's handwriting.
/Trent, meet me at the park at two and come alone. It's very important.--Daria./
What was so important she couldn't tell him over the phone? Or simply come over. He would've
woken up, eventually. He looked over at the clock. It was 1:30. I'd better get dressed and go, he
decided. He looked at his nearly empty closet. Damn, forgot to do my laundry again. he thought.
I'll just wear the jeans from yesterday and- this shirt smells clean enough.
Just before he left, Trent decided to leave a note for Jane. Daria said come alone, but she
wouldn't object to Jane knowing where they were. /Janey, went to the park with Daria. We may be
gone awhile.--Trent. PS, we're out of milk./ He stuck it to the fridge with a magnet.
Trent got in his car and drove to the park. What does she want? he wondered. I hope she
hasn't changed her mind about us. Maybe she just wants us to spend some time alone. Yeah, that's it.
At the park Trent looked for Daria. That's funny, usually I'm the one who's late. He followed
the path to a secluded area near the pond curtained off by willow trees. This looks like a romantic
spot. He thought. If I were a girl, I'd definitly want to meet my boyfriend here.
"One falth move and I'll thlithe you open!" Trent felt a steel blade poke him in the small
of his back.
"Hello, Sherman." He said without turning around. "Fancy meeting you here."
"Thut up! Therman ith dead! I am QB Doom! Make one thound and you're dead!"
QB Doom led Trent to a jeep. Kevin was at the wheel. "Hi, Sir Stretchout!" he said. "Where
we goin', QB Doom?" QB Doom slapped some cuffs on Trent.
"Marineland ith clothed for the winter, ithn't it? Take uth there."
"But, if it's closed...."
"Thut up and drive!"
"You've got a sick way of saying thanks, Sherman. By the way, why are these cuffs fur lined?"
"I borrowed them from Brittany." said Kevin. "They're one of our special toys."
Meanwhile, Daria walked Jane home. "So you and Trent are finally together." said Jane. "Couldn't
happen to a nicer couple. Jesse and I are going out. He's a great guy, he just doesn't believe in himself."
"He can play hacky-sack with a cinder block, but he doesn't believe in himself?"
"And he's smarter than most people give him credit for. Did you know he can speak Spanish too?"
"Does this mean the two of you will start having secret conversations infront of me and Trent?''
"Nah. Funny thing is, Jesse disparages every good thing about himself. He said speaking
Spanish was no biggie cuz he learned it the easy way. His dad's from Spain and spoke Spanish to
him from the time he was a baby. He pretty much learned two languages at once."
"I've heard bilingual kids have good memories."
"Jesse does have a good memory, unfortunatly, it's a double edged sword for him. He has
some memories he'd rather forget. He remembers his dad was a nice guy, untill he started drinking."
They went inside. Jane read the note on the fridge. Daria read it too. "Something's wrong
here." said Daria.
"I'll say." said Jane. "That's the third carton of milk we've gone through this month."
"No, I mean, how can Trent be at the park with me, when I've been with you all morning?"
"Oh." Jane started to worry.
"Maybe he just wants to be alone for a while." Daria suggested.
"No, if he wanted to be alone he'd go to his room or the basement. And he wouldn't lie about it."
Daria saw a note on the counter. The handwriting was familiar. The signature was just too
familiar. She showed it to Jane. "Jane, I did not write that letter."
"Trouble has a way of finding us. Jesse's going to want in on this."
They found Jesse watching /Mystery Science Theater 3000/ at his house, his new pet in hand.
"Trent's been kidnapped?" he asked. "Hold on, Danny and I have just the thing." Danny was in the
study playing Spacequest. "Hey, Danny, get that thing we were playing around with last night."
"Sure, Jesse." Danny went upstairs and brought back what looked like a palm pilot.
"I found this in Man Hater's lab when I went back for Nibbles." Jesse said, stroking the
rodent. "It came with what looked like a bunch of BB pellets. Trent and I showed it to Danny.
Danny, you tell 'em what it is."
"Near as I can figure out," said Danny. "this is a tracking device. The pellets are transmitters.
Last night we taped one to Nibbles and let her go. We found her in 2 minutes. Then it was time for
large scale human experimentation. Trent and my brother helped me there. Trent put one of the transmitters
in his pocket and wandered away for an hour. With the help af this meter and driving in Jesse's
Range Rover we found him in 30 minutes. We can only hope Trent still has the transmitter."
"He's probably changed clothes by now." said Daria.
"Don't be so sure." said Jane. "Trent hates doing laundry."
"You mean he'd....that's disgusting!"
"A couple of things you need to learn about us guys, Daria." said Danny. "One, we own the
remote control. Two, we /will/ wear the same pair of pants two days in a row."
Meanwhile, at the marina, Trent's still cuffed hands were behind him, attatched to a crane.
"C'mon, dude," Kevin heckled. "Say it!"
"No." Trent had no intention of entetaining this buffoon.
"C'mon! Say it! Say it!"
"OK, if it'll shut you up." Trent sighed. "You don't expect me to talk, do you?"
"No, Mr. Lane! I expect you to die!"
"Dude, what's that thing behind you?"
"Where?" As Kevin turned around, Trent stretched one of his fingers. Novelty handcuffs
wouldn't depend on a key. To many embarrassing situations. If he could just find the catch....
Trent felt somethig wrap around his neck, followed by a severe electric shock that left his
brain buzzing. "A little toy I picked up in Japan." said QB Doom. "They call it a pathifier. Cute
name. Try and uthe your thtretch powerth again and you'll get another body freezing thock. Your
demithe ith iminent, Lane. Thith crane will hoitht you into the air and directly above that pool.
At my comand, Kevin here will relesthe theven man-eating tharkth. You're fith food, Lane!"
"I shoulda left you to die on that field." Trent said ruefully. "No, wait. If I did, people
would say you died a hero. You would've been worshipped even after death. People aren't all that
stupid. Everyone knows what a son of a bitch you are now."
"Any latht requetht?"
"Yeah. Tell me, Tommy, did you do it? You know what I'm talking about."
"Oh, with Candy, you mean. Thinth you are about to die, I will tell you. Yeth! I killed her!
I had to. The had no buithneth talking to you or Jethe, let alone thpilling the beanth on the greatetht
prank Lawndale would ever thee. At the party, the called me a 'meanie' and thaid the never
wanted to thee me again. Right in front of everybody! I couldn't let her get away with that. Tho,
I drank thome liquid courage, got in my car and thtarted driving untill I found her. I told her
I wath thorry and wanted to drive her home. Inthtead, I took her out to the boondockth, dragged
her out of the car and thlit her throat! No one humiliateth QB Doom! NO ONE!!"
"You are a sick, murdering bastard."
"Yeth, I know." He got in the crane and started pulling levers.
"Where the hell is Batman when you need him?" Trent mused.
Help was on its way. Jesse was driving his Range Rover. Danny was in the passenger seat,
reading the tracking device and giving directions. Jane and Daria sat in the back.
"Keep going due East, Jesse." said Danny. Jesse floored the accelerator. "Jesse, I know you
wouldn't let me join Spiral 'cuz I can't play an instrument. But, could I join Formidable Four?
You don't hafta change the name or nothing."
"Danny," said Jesse. "Fighting crime is dangerous and you don't have superpowers."
"I know. But I could be, like, your teckie or something."
"I haven't been spending a lot of time with you, have I?"
"I understand, bro. I just-ya know."
"You can't be that lonely. You've got your on-line buddies, your roll playing group."
"Yeah, but they're not the same. I wanna be with my big brother."
Daria made a "gag me" face. Jane wasn't amused. Right now, she knew exactly what Danny meant.
They passed a sign. /Visit Marineland 5 Miles/. "Hey," said Jesse. "That place closes in the
winter. It would make a great hideout."
"He's approximatly 5 miles to the East." said Danny, checking the receiver. "Step on it!"
Trent's quivering arms started to stretch of their own accord as he dangled 12 feet above
the enormous pool. He thought If I could just stretch my leg over to that..yeargh!! Doom had seen
that and delivered another shock to the choker around his neck. OK, think, Lane. he told
himself. Sherman will shock me if I use my stretch powers. Electricity doesn't mix with water.
Sharks are gonna be biting my ass, and just to top it off, I can't swim very well. I'm screwed.
"Releathe the tharkth!" Kevin pulled the switch. Trent watched seven piscene silhouettes
circle about in the pool below. "Good-bye, Mithter Lane!" He pulled a lever causing Trent to plummet
to the pool below. Trent felt the shock of cold water. He was sinking. The pressure was great.
He hoped he'd drown before the sharks got him. It sounded less painful. No luck, one of the creatures
was speeding towards him.
Next thing Trent knew, he was flying through the air. Am I dead? he wondered. He fell back
into the pool with a great splash. Something that felt vaguely like an inner tube was under him,
casing him to float. He heard sounds that sounded all at once like laughing children, water balloons
being rubbed together and clicking. "You fool!" Doom shouted at Kevin. "I thaid releathe the tharkth,
not the dolphinth!"
"Well," said Kevin. "What's the diff? They're big grey fish with pointy teeth."
Doom slapped a hand to his football helmet and shook his head. "Oh, well," he decided. "I'll
jutht turn hith pathifier to full blatht. We're talking toathter in the bathtub!"
"But," said Kevin. "Won't that kill the dolphins too?"
"I hear they tathte like albecore." Just then, Doom felt as if he had been tackled from
the side. Not as hard as he was used to, but it surprised him enough to drop the controls to the
pacifier. Trent took the opportunity to use his stretch powers to escape his bonds. He pulled
at the choker- it wouldn't come off. Suddenly, he saw Jesse swimming out to him. The dolphins,
thinking him to be a new playmate, greeted him warmly. One allowed Jesse to sit on him as he
tore off the choker and threw it as far as his strength would let him. "Dude, you've got to learn
how to swim." Jesse said, rescuing his friend.
On the sidelines, Daria and Jane were fighting Kevin and QB Doom. Daria loved tormenting
Kevin. "Am I here?" she kicked Kevin in the back of the shins. He yelpped and spun about. "Or am
I here?" She punched him in the kidneys. "Maybe I'm here!" She slapped him back and forth.
"Flame on!" Jane tried surrounding QB Doom with a fire ring. As the ring shrank, Doom lowered
his head and charged the flames. "Fool! I have no fear of your flameth!"
"Oops." An invisible Daria knocked Doom into the pool. The dolphins rushed to their new
playmate and started tossing him around.
"Thtop thith! Thtop thith at onthe!" Everyone, even Kevin, laughed at QB Doom.
Doom managed to escape the dolphins, swam to the sides and ran for it. The Formidable Four
chased him through the park to the helipad. Doom got into one of the choppers and started the motor.
"Until we meet again, Thir Thtretchpantth!" he said before flying away.
"That's Stretchalot!" Trent shouted.
"I didn't know Sherman could fly a helicopter." said Daria.
"He can't." said Jesse.
"I'll get him!" said Jane.
"Forget it, Jane." said Daria. "You may be swift, but you'll never catch up with a helicopter."
They went back to the dolphin tank. Kevin was still waiting. "Where's Tommy?" he asked.
"He got away." said Daria. "You, however, are facing charges of conspiracy to commit murder."
"Forget it." said Trent. "I'm not pressing charges."
"Why?" asked Jesse.
"Look at him. Those vacant eyes, that dopey grin. It would be like sending a puppy to the
pound for wetting your begonias. I just feel sorry for the little moron."
"Alright!" Kevin cheered. "No criminal record for the K-man!"
That night, the Formidable Four (plus one) had dinner at Pizza King. "I just can't believe
it." said Jane
"What?" asked Daria. "Mona always let's us have a free jumbo pizza with sky's the limit
toppings as long as we eat at a window seat. We're the best free advertising she ever had."
"No, I mean, the day was saved by Kevin's stupidity and Trent's slovenliness."
"Alright, I'll do my stinking laundry." said Trent.
"Stinking is right." said Jane.
"Don't forget my little brother." said Jesse, tossling Danny's hair.
"Oh, yeah," said Trent. "Since you two are here, there's something I've wanted to tell you.
I really think one of you guys oughtta call AA about your dad."
"Trent, we've been though this a hundred times." said Jesse.
"Jesse," said Danny. "He's right. I've wanted to do this a long time. I'm for it if you are."
Jesse sighed. "Fine, Trent, I'll do it. But if I have to hold an intervention for my dad,
you have to learn how to swim."
"Consider it done."
A week later, the debris of a crashed helicopter bearing Marineland's logo was found in
Bangor, Maine. QB Doom was nowhere to be found.
(A/N) Does anyone want to read about the intervention or should I skip it? R&R, people.
When Trent said "Oh yeah, that was a movie, I forgot." he was referring to /Stand by Me/.
Get the hint that I like Steven King?
Kevin's taunting of "No, Mr. Lane..." was borrowed from a James Bond movie.
I appologize if anyone was offended by Sherman's use of the word "faggot". Remember, he is
a very offensive person. He came off as rather biggoted in /Misery Chick/. In this fic, I've base him
on Dr. Doom, the greatest enemy of the Fantastic Four. Like Dr. Doom, QB Doom blames a disfiguring
disaster on the man who actually tried to help him.
I introduced Danny to the stories. Since none of the four is an inventor like Reed Richards
I figured they needed a gadgeteer to helpthem out. I've established that he's a computer genius.
He likes all kinds of science and he roll plays on weekends. He's completly clueless about
girls. Yes, he's a nerd. But he's a likable nerd.
In your world, Lawndale High was visited by former alumni Tommy Sherman. A former star
quarter back for the Lawndale Lions, he was given the undeserved honor of a goalpost named for
him. In a twist of fate, the goalpost fell on him, killing him. A tree was planted in his memory.
In the reality where the Formidable Four existed, the story ended quite differently.
Everything was the same untill Sherman began insulting Daria in the hallway.
"You know what you are?" he said. "You're just a misery chick. You don't want everyone to
know what a loser you are!"
"You watch what you say to them!" said Jodi.
"And why should I?" asked Sherman.
"Don't you watch the news? They're Phantom and Flamin' Jane of the Formidable Four! They're
/real/ heroes, unlike some people who pretend to be."
"Aw, you wouldn't know a hero if one bit you on your big black ass! Fuck you all. I'm going
to go have a look at /my/ goalpost."
Jodi's eyes flashed in a way they hadn't since she was under Man Hater's power. "I'd like
to kill that bastard for that 'black ass' remark." she said.
"I'll help." Jane offered, lighting the tip of her finger.
"Just tell Mac." said Daria. "He'll take care of him."
"Yeah. By the way, thanks for saving me from Ms Barch."
"That was the guy's doing." Daria admitted. "I'll be sure to tell them you appreciated it."
Meanwhile, "the guys" were sitting outside on the bleachers.
"Kinda weird, huh?" Trent asked Jesse. "Never thought I'd come back to this hellhole."
"Yeah." Jesse agreed.
"Good thing Kenji's back to his old strength. Can't keep a good sensai down, huh?"
"Guess not."
"Think the girls'll want pizza or milkshakes after school?"
"Yeah, cool."
"Something bothering you, Jess?" While normally taciturn around most people, Jesse usually
had more than two words at a time for his best friend. And silent as he was, Jesse usually listened.
Jesse sighed "I dunno. This place brings back a lot of memories- memories I'd just as soon forget."
"Hey, there were good memories. Remember that forge-uh-handwriting replication business you
had going? For kids whose parents were never around to sign report cards and permission slips."
"You were my best customer."
"You gave me a discount for finding clients. And then there were the poker games we had on the
roof during gym class. Man, you cleaned up there, to."
"That reminds me, you owe me a shirt." They had a laugh over their private joke.
"Hey," said Trent. "Remember the time we all went into the woods looking for a dead body?"
"Um, we never did that."
"Oh yeah, that was a movie. I forgot." The two laughed.
"I'm still trying to forget Tommy Sherman." Jesse said. "It's his fault we missed graduation."
"Ah, graduation ceremonies are pretty empty gestures anyway."
"And- we all know what he did later that night."
"No, Jesse, we don't. Probably no one will ever know. All we know is a jury of 12 found him
innocent. That's what they call justice, I guess."
"Candy didn't get justice."
"Whoa, speak of the devil."said Trent. Tommy Sherman swaggered onto the field.
"Well, well." he said. "If it isn't the long-haired stuttering fag and his freaky boyfriend!"
"Go fuck yourself, Sherman." said Trent.
"I hear you fag boys think you're heroes now. Yeah, you're nothin' but a pair of punk losers!
I don't see your goalpost. Plus, they tell me you hang around the misery chick and that artsy-fartsy
girl who would look good if she had tits."
"You better watch your damn mouth!" Trent started to get up.
"Cool it, dude." Jesse whispered.
"I'll say what I want 'cuz I'm Tommy Sherman! And Tommy Sherman says what he wants and there
ain't a damn thing you can do about it! I am the best there ever was and ever will be!" The wind
started to pick up. "Someday, after you two faggots get married you can tell your adopted kids you
knew me when!" The goalpost swayed in the wind. "You can tell 'em 'Tommy Sherman was the greatest
hero any gridiron ever knew.' but, you guys were to wimpy for football, so you wouldn't understand."
"Uh, dude, the goalpost..." Trent started to warn him.
"Yes! My goalpost! A fitting tribute to my prowess on the field!" He didn't notice his "tribute"
was swaying precariously in the wind.
"Listen, it's gonna..."
"Quiet, worm! I'm in my moment!"
"WATCH OUT!" Trent advised, as he stretched his arms out to shove Sherman to safety. The goalpost
fell to the ground with a crash. A crowd soon gathered.
"Omigod the goalpost fell down!" someone yelled.
"Is Tommy Sherman OK?" asked Kevin.
"He's fine." someone said. "I saw the whole thing. Sir Stretchalot saved him!"
Some football players tried to help Sherman get up. "Leame alone!" he said, oblivious to a trickle
of blood issuing from his mouth. " I can get up by mythelf."
"Wha-what did you say?'' a player asked as Trent and Jesse came down to the field.
"I thaid I can get up by mythelf! Are you deaf or jutht thtupid?" Sherman realized what he
was saying. He tasted blood in his mouth. "My tooth!" he cried. "He knocked out my tooth and now I'm lithping
like a goddam fag!"
"I'll find it!" Kevin started searching the grass.
"Thith ith all your fault, Lane! You'll pay for thith!"
"Why? Don't you have dental insurance?" Some of Daria's wit had rubbed off on Trent.
"Hey, Sherman." said Jesse. "Remember when you made fun of me for stuttering? In case you
haven't noticed, I don't do it anymore. You have a lisp. How does it feel?"
"I thuppothe you wanna kick my ath now."
"You know, I /could/ crush your skull like an eggshell if I wanted to. But I won't. Know why?"
"All thethe witnetheth?"
"Uh-yeah. And because I'm not like you." Jesse turned and walked away.
"That won't stop me from kicking your ass!" said Mac, taking Sherman by the collar. "You
wanna talk about my girlfriend's ass some more, bitchlet?"
"I can't find the tooth!" said Kevin. "Dammit, Stretchabunch, why'd you knock out Tommy Sherman's tooth!?"
"He would've died if I didn't push him." said Trent.
Mac slammed Sherman in the nads. The great former quarter back went down sqealing like a pig.
"You will all pay for thith!" Sherman sqeaked.
Hours later, as the sun was setting, Jesse returned to the football field. The goalpost was
still down. He decided he might as well put it back. He hefted up the steel post and positioned
it back into place. A familiar firey figure alighted in front of him. "Trent said you'd be here."
Jane said, turning off her flames.
"Yeah." he said, trying to shift the wobbly post into place.
"You hold it steady." said Jane. "I'll tamp down the earth." Together, they replaced the
goalpost. "I heard about the altercation with Tommy Sherman. You said he used to make fun of you
for stuttering?"
"Yeah." Jesse started to walk away. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about.
"Is that why you hardly ever speak?" Jane asked, walking along side of him. "Because some
jerkwad made fun of you when you were a kid?"
"All through grade school, all through high school." he said.
"Jesse, you don't stammer. I don't even remember you stammering."
"It started when I was 10. The school made me go to speech therapy." He sighed. "And right
after I got over the stutter-well-my voice cracked."
"But, you have a beautiful voice now."
"You really think so?"
"You mean you haven't noticed?"
"People usually have no clue what their voice really sounds like." He sat down on a bleacher
and looked at the setting sun. Jane sat next to him. For once, she wasn't bothered by his silence.
She finally decided she should say something.
"So, you don't speak because you think someone will make fun of you?"
"Yeah."
"Jesse, I for one would never make fun of you. Friends don't do that."
What if I say something dumb, or make you angry?"
"Give yourself a little credit, Jesse. And give me some while you're at it. I don't get angry
over little things and you're not dumb. Because you don't speak much, a lot of people think you're
stupid. I'll admit, I used to, not anymore. A stupid person wouldn't know how to talk me into
turning off my flames."
"It's better to be silent and have people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and
remove all doubt."
"Jesse, you know Mark Twain?"
"Trent and I did a project about him in 9th grade. I guess some of it stuck in my head."
"You're not a fool, Jesse." she took his hand. She noticed he was blushing and fidgeted a
little. "What's the matter? You act like you never held hands with a girl before."
"Um-well-a-actually-I-I..." The stammer returned.
"Omigod!" Jane jumped up. "If you've never even held hands with a girl, that means you're a..."
He placed two fingers against her full lips. "Please don't say the V word."
"What's wrong with the V word? I'm the V word."
"That's different. You're younger than me and a girl."
"Hell-oo double standard."
"See? I've already said something dumb."
"Look, Jesse, it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to save yourself for marriage, it's
your choice. No one should judge you for it. Yourself least of all."
"Umm..it isn't exactly a choice." Uncomfortable silence.
"Jesse, you could have any girl you wanted. With your looks, that voice..."
"Jane, I don't want just any girl. I want someone special who will like me for who I am. But,
I'm to shy to get any one interested. My looks aren't that great. I only look this way cause I
used to pump iron to relieve stress. Now, I do curls with my Range Rover. And...I kinda look like
my mom. She was beautiful."
Jane noticed the past tense. Now she was tongue tied. "So... pumping iron relives stress,
huh? I do a little jogging myself."
"I had a therapist recomend it. Not a speech therapist."
"You mean the lie on the couch and talk about your crappy childhood kind?"
"Nah, they don't use couches anymore. I've been diagnosed with anhedonia, PTSD, clinical
depression, social anxiety- you name it I got it. My medicine cabinet is full of stuff that has
either an X or a Z in its name. I'm really messed up."
"Jesse, you're not messed up. But, you should probably keep taking the medicine. Maybe you can
talk to a doctor about tapering off, or taking another treatment if you want."
"I don't really want to do electroshock therapy."
"Whatever you decide to do, Jesse, I'll always be there for you." He took her in his arms
and held her for a very long time.
Meanwhile, Daria was at Casa Lane watching Sick, Sad World with Trent.
"Could your pet chihuahua be a rabid sewer rat? Stay tuned to Sick, Sad World."
"Trent," said Daria. "Do you really think Tommy Sherman will do anything?"
"He's been a bully since kindergarten." Trent poured a couple of sodas. "Jesse got it the
worst. Jesse had long hair, wasn't into sports, played music, lifted weights, and didn't jump in bed
with every girl who got near him. In Sherman's book, that made him a fag."
"So..Is he? You know- gay?"
"Nah." Trent had a seat next to her. "He likes girls. He just can't talk to them."
"Can he talk to anyone?"
"That's one of the things he got made fun of for. Jesse- he's been through a lot. When he
was 10, his mom died. Cancer. His dad started drinking and his older brother killed himself. Most
adults couldn't cope with that. How do you think a kid would?"
"I- never knew this."
"Jesse started stuttering. He took speech therapy and I told Sheman and his buddies to leave
him alone. Got suspended from school for giving the punk a black eye." Trent sighed. "Daria, do you
think I did the right thing? Saving Sherman back there?"
"Trent, You're a hero. Because of your powers, some may call you a superhero. That doesn't
make you judge, jury and executioner."
"That does sound like more responsibility than I want. Funny thing is, there was a time when
I thought the bastard otta hang."
"Just for making fun of Jesse?"
"Hear me out. It was graduation time. Jesse and I were debating on whether or not to attend
the graduation ceremony. Neither of us had any family that was going to bother attending and I
thought it was just a long boring ordeal. Then, Candy came up to us."
"Candy?"
"This was her name, I kid you not. She was head cheerleader, and consequently, the QB's
favorite girlfriend. She was dumb as a box of rocks, but very nice. You know the type."
"A little to well." Daria thought of Brittany.
"Well, Candy tells us that Sherman and his goons were going to play a cruel prank on Jesse at
the ceremony. They were all going to chant 'faggot' as he walked on stage. Candy said she thought
this was just too mean and that we shouldn't tell anyone she talked to us. Jesse decided he wasn't
going to graduation. I wasn't going if he wasn't, so we decided we'd just have pizza and videos
at my house. A day later, Candy was declared missing. Her mother said she went to a graduation party
with Sherman and never came back. Kids at the party said they had a fight and Candy walked out.
Sherman left about an hour later. Candy's body was found a month later, lying in a ditch just outside
town. By then, they had to identify her by her dental records. Tommy Sherman was suspect number one."
"Let me guess, the trial was a mini-OJ."
"More or less. He had motive, means and opportunity. But, his dad hired a big-shot lawyer
to get him off. Liberty and Justice for the rich, man." He sighed. "But, all I have to go on is
hunches."
"And Jesse just walked away without going medival on him?"
"Jesse's more complex than he seems. I think having superpowers might bring him out of his
shell a little. But, he's never going to be a chatterbox. He said once that he was never hurt by
anything he didn't say."
"Do you believe that, Trent?"
"I don't know. There was a song lyric that goes 'You say it best when you say nothing at all.'
But, there are times when something has to be said."
"In that vein, Trent, there's something I've always wanted to say. Trent, I've -I..."
"Go on."
"I've always liked you. A lot. Your the first guy I've ever met who didn't treat me like
swamp slime. You actually listen to me. You make me feel good about myself. Not many people can do that."
"Would you believe I feel the same way about you? But..."
"I knew a but was coming."
"I know you're very mature for your age, but I don't wanna get slapped with fooling around
with a minor charges. Hell, I could get arrested for doing what we're doing now."
"Talking?"
"Alone. On the couch. In my house. And your parents. Excuse me for saying so, but your dad
seems a little clueless. Your mom, however, scares me."
"I'm already rebelling against them by being the Phantom, so what the Hell?''
"Yeah, what the Hell." They shared their first kiss.
"Pretty good." she said. "Even if you do taste like Cherry Coke."
Meanwhile, in an apartment downtown, Shermen was heating a football helmet in the oven. He
took it out and placed it on his head, melding metal to flesh. With the acrid stench of searing
skin, Tommy Sherman died and QB Doom was born.
The doorbell buzzed.
"Who dareth dithturb the thanctum of QB Doom?" he asked, opening the door. It was Kevin Thompson.
"Hi Tommy!" he said cheerfully. "Now that you've declared vengeance and become a wicked-cool
super villian, I was wondering if you needed a sidekick."
"QB Doom has no uthe for a thimpering thidekick! Be gone!"
"Aw, c'mon! Please let me be your sidekick? I'll do whatever you tell me to do."
"Hmm...anything?"
"Sure dude!"
"I want you to thteal a thample of the mithery chick'th handwriting."
"Who's that?"
"The mithery chick. Ugly girl, Coke bottle glatheth, mouthy hair, no titth. Black girl called
her Phantom or thomething."
"Oh, you mean Daria!"
"Yeth, tomorrow, you mutht thteal a thample of her handwriting."
"What's a thample?"
"A thample, you thimplton! Thomething the wrote on that I can copy from!"
"Oh! A sample!"
"Thatth what I thaid!"
"Um...how?"
"Do I have to do all the thinking for you? Yeth, I thuppothe I do. Tell one of the teacherth
that you wanna help grade paperth for extra credit. They fall for that thit all the time! When
you thee thomething with Daria'th name on it, bring it to me."
"You got it dude! Hey, can you say 'Sufferin Succotash'?"
"No."
The next day at school there was a test on /The Scarlet Letter/ in English class. At the
sound of the bell, the students turned in their papers and left. Only Kevin lingered.
"Hey, Mr. O'Neil, could I help you grade the papers? You know, for extra credit and stuff."
"Oh, Kevin! I'm so happy that you've finally taken an interest in your grades! Of course you
may help me." He opened the teacher's edition. "Here are the answers. This card will show you how
to grade the papers. And, try to be objective when you get to the essay section. I'm going out for coffee."
As soon as he was gone Kevin riffled through the papers untill he found one with "Daria Morgendorfer"
at the top. This is just what QB Doom wants! he thought.
The next day was Saturday. Trent woke up and went downstairs to grab something to eat. Damn,
no milk. he thought, looking in the refridgerator. Guess I'm having my coffee black. He munched
on a granola bar and slurped his coffee. Wonder if the incident with Sherman and the goalpost
made the paper. he thought. Janey would like it for her scrapbook. He went out and grabbed the
paper. On the way back in he noticed a note pinned to the door in Daria's handwriting.
/Trent, meet me at the park at two and come alone. It's very important.--Daria./
What was so important she couldn't tell him over the phone? Or simply come over. He would've
woken up, eventually. He looked over at the clock. It was 1:30. I'd better get dressed and go, he
decided. He looked at his nearly empty closet. Damn, forgot to do my laundry again. he thought.
I'll just wear the jeans from yesterday and- this shirt smells clean enough.
Just before he left, Trent decided to leave a note for Jane. Daria said come alone, but she
wouldn't object to Jane knowing where they were. /Janey, went to the park with Daria. We may be
gone awhile.--Trent. PS, we're out of milk./ He stuck it to the fridge with a magnet.
Trent got in his car and drove to the park. What does she want? he wondered. I hope she
hasn't changed her mind about us. Maybe she just wants us to spend some time alone. Yeah, that's it.
At the park Trent looked for Daria. That's funny, usually I'm the one who's late. He followed
the path to a secluded area near the pond curtained off by willow trees. This looks like a romantic
spot. He thought. If I were a girl, I'd definitly want to meet my boyfriend here.
"One falth move and I'll thlithe you open!" Trent felt a steel blade poke him in the small
of his back.
"Hello, Sherman." He said without turning around. "Fancy meeting you here."
"Thut up! Therman ith dead! I am QB Doom! Make one thound and you're dead!"
QB Doom led Trent to a jeep. Kevin was at the wheel. "Hi, Sir Stretchout!" he said. "Where
we goin', QB Doom?" QB Doom slapped some cuffs on Trent.
"Marineland ith clothed for the winter, ithn't it? Take uth there."
"But, if it's closed...."
"Thut up and drive!"
"You've got a sick way of saying thanks, Sherman. By the way, why are these cuffs fur lined?"
"I borrowed them from Brittany." said Kevin. "They're one of our special toys."
Meanwhile, Daria walked Jane home. "So you and Trent are finally together." said Jane. "Couldn't
happen to a nicer couple. Jesse and I are going out. He's a great guy, he just doesn't believe in himself."
"He can play hacky-sack with a cinder block, but he doesn't believe in himself?"
"And he's smarter than most people give him credit for. Did you know he can speak Spanish too?"
"Does this mean the two of you will start having secret conversations infront of me and Trent?''
"Nah. Funny thing is, Jesse disparages every good thing about himself. He said speaking
Spanish was no biggie cuz he learned it the easy way. His dad's from Spain and spoke Spanish to
him from the time he was a baby. He pretty much learned two languages at once."
"I've heard bilingual kids have good memories."
"Jesse does have a good memory, unfortunatly, it's a double edged sword for him. He has
some memories he'd rather forget. He remembers his dad was a nice guy, untill he started drinking."
They went inside. Jane read the note on the fridge. Daria read it too. "Something's wrong
here." said Daria.
"I'll say." said Jane. "That's the third carton of milk we've gone through this month."
"No, I mean, how can Trent be at the park with me, when I've been with you all morning?"
"Oh." Jane started to worry.
"Maybe he just wants to be alone for a while." Daria suggested.
"No, if he wanted to be alone he'd go to his room or the basement. And he wouldn't lie about it."
Daria saw a note on the counter. The handwriting was familiar. The signature was just too
familiar. She showed it to Jane. "Jane, I did not write that letter."
"Trouble has a way of finding us. Jesse's going to want in on this."
They found Jesse watching /Mystery Science Theater 3000/ at his house, his new pet in hand.
"Trent's been kidnapped?" he asked. "Hold on, Danny and I have just the thing." Danny was in the
study playing Spacequest. "Hey, Danny, get that thing we were playing around with last night."
"Sure, Jesse." Danny went upstairs and brought back what looked like a palm pilot.
"I found this in Man Hater's lab when I went back for Nibbles." Jesse said, stroking the
rodent. "It came with what looked like a bunch of BB pellets. Trent and I showed it to Danny.
Danny, you tell 'em what it is."
"Near as I can figure out," said Danny. "this is a tracking device. The pellets are transmitters.
Last night we taped one to Nibbles and let her go. We found her in 2 minutes. Then it was time for
large scale human experimentation. Trent and my brother helped me there. Trent put one of the transmitters
in his pocket and wandered away for an hour. With the help af this meter and driving in Jesse's
Range Rover we found him in 30 minutes. We can only hope Trent still has the transmitter."
"He's probably changed clothes by now." said Daria.
"Don't be so sure." said Jane. "Trent hates doing laundry."
"You mean he'd....that's disgusting!"
"A couple of things you need to learn about us guys, Daria." said Danny. "One, we own the
remote control. Two, we /will/ wear the same pair of pants two days in a row."
Meanwhile, at the marina, Trent's still cuffed hands were behind him, attatched to a crane.
"C'mon, dude," Kevin heckled. "Say it!"
"No." Trent had no intention of entetaining this buffoon.
"C'mon! Say it! Say it!"
"OK, if it'll shut you up." Trent sighed. "You don't expect me to talk, do you?"
"No, Mr. Lane! I expect you to die!"
"Dude, what's that thing behind you?"
"Where?" As Kevin turned around, Trent stretched one of his fingers. Novelty handcuffs
wouldn't depend on a key. To many embarrassing situations. If he could just find the catch....
Trent felt somethig wrap around his neck, followed by a severe electric shock that left his
brain buzzing. "A little toy I picked up in Japan." said QB Doom. "They call it a pathifier. Cute
name. Try and uthe your thtretch powerth again and you'll get another body freezing thock. Your
demithe ith iminent, Lane. Thith crane will hoitht you into the air and directly above that pool.
At my comand, Kevin here will relesthe theven man-eating tharkth. You're fith food, Lane!"
"I shoulda left you to die on that field." Trent said ruefully. "No, wait. If I did, people
would say you died a hero. You would've been worshipped even after death. People aren't all that
stupid. Everyone knows what a son of a bitch you are now."
"Any latht requetht?"
"Yeah. Tell me, Tommy, did you do it? You know what I'm talking about."
"Oh, with Candy, you mean. Thinth you are about to die, I will tell you. Yeth! I killed her!
I had to. The had no buithneth talking to you or Jethe, let alone thpilling the beanth on the greatetht
prank Lawndale would ever thee. At the party, the called me a 'meanie' and thaid the never
wanted to thee me again. Right in front of everybody! I couldn't let her get away with that. Tho,
I drank thome liquid courage, got in my car and thtarted driving untill I found her. I told her
I wath thorry and wanted to drive her home. Inthtead, I took her out to the boondockth, dragged
her out of the car and thlit her throat! No one humiliateth QB Doom! NO ONE!!"
"You are a sick, murdering bastard."
"Yeth, I know." He got in the crane and started pulling levers.
"Where the hell is Batman when you need him?" Trent mused.
Help was on its way. Jesse was driving his Range Rover. Danny was in the passenger seat,
reading the tracking device and giving directions. Jane and Daria sat in the back.
"Keep going due East, Jesse." said Danny. Jesse floored the accelerator. "Jesse, I know you
wouldn't let me join Spiral 'cuz I can't play an instrument. But, could I join Formidable Four?
You don't hafta change the name or nothing."
"Danny," said Jesse. "Fighting crime is dangerous and you don't have superpowers."
"I know. But I could be, like, your teckie or something."
"I haven't been spending a lot of time with you, have I?"
"I understand, bro. I just-ya know."
"You can't be that lonely. You've got your on-line buddies, your roll playing group."
"Yeah, but they're not the same. I wanna be with my big brother."
Daria made a "gag me" face. Jane wasn't amused. Right now, she knew exactly what Danny meant.
They passed a sign. /Visit Marineland 5 Miles/. "Hey," said Jesse. "That place closes in the
winter. It would make a great hideout."
"He's approximatly 5 miles to the East." said Danny, checking the receiver. "Step on it!"
Trent's quivering arms started to stretch of their own accord as he dangled 12 feet above
the enormous pool. He thought If I could just stretch my leg over to that..yeargh!! Doom had seen
that and delivered another shock to the choker around his neck. OK, think, Lane. he told
himself. Sherman will shock me if I use my stretch powers. Electricity doesn't mix with water.
Sharks are gonna be biting my ass, and just to top it off, I can't swim very well. I'm screwed.
"Releathe the tharkth!" Kevin pulled the switch. Trent watched seven piscene silhouettes
circle about in the pool below. "Good-bye, Mithter Lane!" He pulled a lever causing Trent to plummet
to the pool below. Trent felt the shock of cold water. He was sinking. The pressure was great.
He hoped he'd drown before the sharks got him. It sounded less painful. No luck, one of the creatures
was speeding towards him.
Next thing Trent knew, he was flying through the air. Am I dead? he wondered. He fell back
into the pool with a great splash. Something that felt vaguely like an inner tube was under him,
casing him to float. He heard sounds that sounded all at once like laughing children, water balloons
being rubbed together and clicking. "You fool!" Doom shouted at Kevin. "I thaid releathe the tharkth,
not the dolphinth!"
"Well," said Kevin. "What's the diff? They're big grey fish with pointy teeth."
Doom slapped a hand to his football helmet and shook his head. "Oh, well," he decided. "I'll
jutht turn hith pathifier to full blatht. We're talking toathter in the bathtub!"
"But," said Kevin. "Won't that kill the dolphins too?"
"I hear they tathte like albecore." Just then, Doom felt as if he had been tackled from
the side. Not as hard as he was used to, but it surprised him enough to drop the controls to the
pacifier. Trent took the opportunity to use his stretch powers to escape his bonds. He pulled
at the choker- it wouldn't come off. Suddenly, he saw Jesse swimming out to him. The dolphins,
thinking him to be a new playmate, greeted him warmly. One allowed Jesse to sit on him as he
tore off the choker and threw it as far as his strength would let him. "Dude, you've got to learn
how to swim." Jesse said, rescuing his friend.
On the sidelines, Daria and Jane were fighting Kevin and QB Doom. Daria loved tormenting
Kevin. "Am I here?" she kicked Kevin in the back of the shins. He yelpped and spun about. "Or am
I here?" She punched him in the kidneys. "Maybe I'm here!" She slapped him back and forth.
"Flame on!" Jane tried surrounding QB Doom with a fire ring. As the ring shrank, Doom lowered
his head and charged the flames. "Fool! I have no fear of your flameth!"
"Oops." An invisible Daria knocked Doom into the pool. The dolphins rushed to their new
playmate and started tossing him around.
"Thtop thith! Thtop thith at onthe!" Everyone, even Kevin, laughed at QB Doom.
Doom managed to escape the dolphins, swam to the sides and ran for it. The Formidable Four
chased him through the park to the helipad. Doom got into one of the choppers and started the motor.
"Until we meet again, Thir Thtretchpantth!" he said before flying away.
"That's Stretchalot!" Trent shouted.
"I didn't know Sherman could fly a helicopter." said Daria.
"He can't." said Jesse.
"I'll get him!" said Jane.
"Forget it, Jane." said Daria. "You may be swift, but you'll never catch up with a helicopter."
They went back to the dolphin tank. Kevin was still waiting. "Where's Tommy?" he asked.
"He got away." said Daria. "You, however, are facing charges of conspiracy to commit murder."
"Forget it." said Trent. "I'm not pressing charges."
"Why?" asked Jesse.
"Look at him. Those vacant eyes, that dopey grin. It would be like sending a puppy to the
pound for wetting your begonias. I just feel sorry for the little moron."
"Alright!" Kevin cheered. "No criminal record for the K-man!"
That night, the Formidable Four (plus one) had dinner at Pizza King. "I just can't believe
it." said Jane
"What?" asked Daria. "Mona always let's us have a free jumbo pizza with sky's the limit
toppings as long as we eat at a window seat. We're the best free advertising she ever had."
"No, I mean, the day was saved by Kevin's stupidity and Trent's slovenliness."
"Alright, I'll do my stinking laundry." said Trent.
"Stinking is right." said Jane.
"Don't forget my little brother." said Jesse, tossling Danny's hair.
"Oh, yeah," said Trent. "Since you two are here, there's something I've wanted to tell you.
I really think one of you guys oughtta call AA about your dad."
"Trent, we've been though this a hundred times." said Jesse.
"Jesse," said Danny. "He's right. I've wanted to do this a long time. I'm for it if you are."
Jesse sighed. "Fine, Trent, I'll do it. But if I have to hold an intervention for my dad,
you have to learn how to swim."
"Consider it done."
A week later, the debris of a crashed helicopter bearing Marineland's logo was found in
Bangor, Maine. QB Doom was nowhere to be found.
(A/N) Does anyone want to read about the intervention or should I skip it? R&R, people.
When Trent said "Oh yeah, that was a movie, I forgot." he was referring to /Stand by Me/.
Get the hint that I like Steven King?
Kevin's taunting of "No, Mr. Lane..." was borrowed from a James Bond movie.
I appologize if anyone was offended by Sherman's use of the word "faggot". Remember, he is
a very offensive person. He came off as rather biggoted in /Misery Chick/. In this fic, I've base him
on Dr. Doom, the greatest enemy of the Fantastic Four. Like Dr. Doom, QB Doom blames a disfiguring
disaster on the man who actually tried to help him.
I introduced Danny to the stories. Since none of the four is an inventor like Reed Richards
I figured they needed a gadgeteer to helpthem out. I've established that he's a computer genius.
He likes all kinds of science and he roll plays on weekends. He's completly clueless about
girls. Yes, he's a nerd. But he's a likable nerd.