DARKNESS

2 days later

"Jamie! Oi! Over here, you stupid git! I've been looking for you since class got over. Have you seen Remus today?" yelled Sirius across the hall to his friend. People looked up, annoyed at having an exuberant teenager shout in their ear, and then kept going when they realized it was Sirius. They were used to his outbursts by now.

"No, Sirius, he disappeared last night, and I haven't seen him since. Maybe we should check in the hospital. We find him there sometimes, remember? "

Sirius' shoulders slumped dejectedly. "Yeah. Let's go see if he's there again."

Jamie trailed after him with a worried expression on his face. "Maybe we should ask Dumbledore why he leaves all the time. At least he can tell us that," suggested James hopefully.

Sirius just shook his head without turning around and continued to climb the stairs towards the hospital wing. "He worries me, Jamie. How am I supposed to protect him when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be fighting?"

James was silent. He didn't have an answer.

"I'm afraid I can't let you see him right now, boys." said Madame Poppy firmly.

Sirius' face fell horribly. "Why not? He is okay, right? He's not hurt is he? I just want to make sure he's okay."

"I understand, Mister Black, but you can't see him right now. He'll be out of the infirmary later tonight, maybe tomorrow morning at the latest. Don't worry about him. He's fine."

"What's wrong with him? Why can't we see him?"

"No more questions boys, this isn't my decision. Your friend will be fine. You'll see him soon enough. Now go, before I have to give you detention."

When the two boys left, she went to the room in the back of the hospital wing and opened the curtains around the bed there. Smiling sympathetically she took a long look at the boy on the bed. Remus' tousled amber hair was spread across the hospital pillow, and the sunlight glinted of the metallic strands. She checked the bandage on his arm and felt pity for all of Remus' kind. It would not heal quickly, and werewolves were allergic to most wizarding healing potions, because they usually included Wolfsbane, which was deadly to all wolves. Luckily they healed fast, but it had to be done the Muggle way most of the time.

"I've never seen your transformations end this badly before, Remus Lupin. You have to be more careful, or you'll end up like countless werewolves before you. At least you have someone who cares about you. Perhaps that will be enough to save you. Or perhaps not." Gently she closed the white curtains and locked the door to the little room.

"Jamie, he's hurt, and we can't do anything about it. But we can't just let it go. I'm waiting up for him. I want to get an answer out of him the moment he comes back."

Nothing James could say would convince Sirius that this was by far the stupidest plan he'd come up with yet.

Fortunately Remus didn't come back at all that night. When James woke up, he found his friend sprawled across Remus' bed, with the curtains half closed, and his hair hopelessly tangled, arms wrapped around one of Remus' pillows.

Remus didn't come back that morning either. He crawled into the last class of the day, Potions, late, and he looked so haggard and weary that Professor Sempra didn't even comment on the note she was handed. Remus ensconced himself as far as possible from Peter, James and Sirius, at the very back of the classroom. When the bell rang, he slunk out of sight so fast that not even Sirius could find him.

The next time Sirius cornered him was in their dorms that night. He crept up behind Remus, watching the other boy's back tense up in greeting with regret, and said softly, "Where were you last night, and the night before?"

"What business of yours is it, Black?"

"Don't give me that shit, Remus. I just want to know why you were gone. I waited all last night for you to come back, but you never did."

"Then I guess you should count yourself lucky. Leave me alone, I've got homework to do."

"Remus…"

"Go away, Black."

"Fine," Sirius turned away, feeling deeply wounded, but helpless to lash out. He couldn't hurt Remus back, he just couldn't do it. He met James' eyes, picked up his schoolwork and left.

James pulled out a desk chair and sat next to Remus, who was hunched over his parchment, face blank. It made James ache to see the complete emptiness there. For a moment he thought he understood how hurt Sirius must be, to have to see that all the time, when all he did was love. He didn't really understand it though, because he couldn't conceive of loving Remus. The boy was an outcast, a weakling, and he was not the sort of person James would usually consider worth the extra glance. Remus was cold to the point of being rude, and he never laughed freely. In fact, James only made the miniscule effort he did towards liking Remus because Sirius seemed so fond of him. "Look, I know you don't love him back, but do you have to hurt him so much? He'd die for you, and you just keep shoving him away. He just wants a bit of acknowledgment for loving you. That's all he needs. Just think about it. You're driving him insane. I've never seen him this fucked up over someone else before. For whatever reason, you affect him, and if you hurt him any more, I'll kick your arse from here to Surrey and back. You understand?"

"It'd be nothing more than I deserve." whispered Remus. James pretended like he hadn't heard as he walked out after Sirius.

It's nothing more than I deserve…Remus repeated forlornly to himself.

Peter had never really been included in anything that his friends did, so to him it seemed natural that they should keep secrets from him. But this was one secret too many, too heavy. Sometimes he just wished them all dead. Because then he would be able to stop feeling so insufficient; so small. He was useless now, to them, even though they pretended to care about him, pretended to include him. How could he not feel ostracized when even his best friends thought he was too stupid to help them? Didn't they know that the person everyone thought was stupid, was slow, made the best spy? It was true. Peter Pettigrew could listen unnoticed to almost anyone's conversation, simply because they didn't believe he was smart enough to try such a thing. Of all the Marauders, Peter was really the most observant. He could sneak nearly anywhere unseen. That much at least he had in common with Remus. If his friends had bothered to ask him, he would have told them a great deal more about Remus J. Lupin than they had thus far realized was being hidden, like where he snuck off to every full moon, and how to get past the Whomping Willow's flailing branches. He also knew what Remus looked like when he came back each month, because even the nurse underestimated him. She probably hadn't realized he had a perfect view of the little back room from where he was standing when she'd gone to get him some medicine for his cold. He'd taken only a quick look, but he'd seen enough to know that the wounds were deep and Remus was pale and so drained it seemed certain that he'd sleep for a month. Of course the only way he'd tell anyone any of this information was if they asked, and since no one seemed inclined to do so, he'd continue to keep to himself, and horde knowledge for his own use.

I don't understand, why don't you like me

Why don't you like me, am I so different from you?

Now does it scare you that I'm able to discern?

What to love and what to burn

I'll add your fuel to the fire now

Stand back, brother take your hand back

Leave it and I might crack

More than a smile or two you see

Don't judge what you don't understand

You can't deny what has been given to me

Remus had had enough of these pointless confrontations with Sirius. They were beginning to wear thin his resolve, and he couldn't handle any more of that. He had decided to stay out of their way for a while, to see if they'd forget about him, or if they were more stubborn than he'd thought. Sirius could be extremely stubborn at times. He was afraid that if Sirius didn't leave him alone soon he'd do something drastic that he'd regret later. Pulling absently on a lock of hair, Remus padded through the deserted night-time hallways of Hogwarts. He was no stranger to darkness, and the deep echoing silence suited him just fine.

He was trying to find a safe place to spend the night. He would have gone to Dumbledore, but he didn't want to cause any more trouble. Dumbledore was already bending a dozen school rules to even have him here, not to mention violating his promise to keep the school absolutely safe. Remus wondered what would happen if he were to disappoint the headmaster after all. He'd put so many hopes into bringing Remus here, what would he do if he found out that werewolves really were just filthy animals with no souls? It was what Remus already knew, but hadn't had the heart to show the kindly old man. Plus, he'd really wanted this, really truly wanted to come to Hogwarts and learn wizarding with all the normal children. He wanted to believe he was normal, even if that was selfish and stupid.

He'd rather lie to himself than face what lurked in the back of his mind, prowling in restless circles. And maybe denying that he was different was only proving his father right, but he'd really believed it for a while. He'd really thought that he had friends who cared enough to except him for who he was, no matter what. He'd begun to think that people different than his parents existed, people different than him. He was the reason everything had fallen apart. And nothing anyone said would ever change what had happened.

Looking up, he realized he'd wandered right back to Gryffindor tower. 'What the hell. Why not? If he bothers me anymore I can do something else stupid. Maybe it will actually convince them to sod off this time.'

Later, when he was sitting in his own bed he tried to remember what it felt like to be a human, without this tainted blood running through his veins, without the guilt and the constant wary silence. He really didn't remember anything. All the memories that filled his head now were unpleasant and awful. He'd come back to school this year thoroughly disillusioned. He wasn't going to trust again. Ever. Nothing was worth that pain. Nothing at all.

And now Sirius was making him question everything all over again, and it just hurt too damn much.

He'd was back in his canopy bed, exhausted from the moon two nights ago, and his confrontation with Sirius when he'd finally come back to get some studying done. James scared him, because every time Remus looked up, he'd catch the other boy staring at him coldly, weighing him, judging him, and he wondered each time with increasing nervousness how much James knew.

He needed release. He needed a way to get away from all this shit and hate and fear. He wanted to stop seeing the taunting faces of his father, his sister, David, all leering at him and hating him. It hurt. God, every time he thought about them it hurt so bad. And now he was trapped, perpetuating the cycle he'd begun so long ago to try and hold on to the sanity. When he cut himself, he felt free. All the emotions just disappeared and left him empty and numb. But numb was far better than feeling everything else. Grimacing, Remus gripped the knife that usually stayed hidden underneath his mattress and tried not to think about all of that as he slashed down on his wrist, lightly at first, but gaining confidence. If he thought too much, he might end up hurting himself for real. He had to be careful when he did this, because pain hardly meant the same thing to him as it did to everyone else.

Pain was a seductive, constant presence in the back of Remus' mind. The wolf needed the pain, required it from him in increasingly alarming amounts. Lately it had escalated to a point when he had to cover his arms at all times, just to keep someone from seeing the bloody marks all over his body. It annoyed him, to have the scratchy wool irritating his self-inflicted penance. It was nearing summer, and the heat was beginning to drive him insane. But especially lately, he couldn't do anything to stop it. The wolf demanded it, and Remus was helpless against those demands.

Clenching his hand in a fist he turned his arm until the light blue vein was exposed. Countless old scars still lingered there, as well as several more recent injuries. Every full moon, the remainder of those self inflicted wounds were treated after his transformation. Though they looked positively harmless next to the jagged, raw wounds the wolf inflicted, so Madame Pomfrey had never asked any questions.

The last transformation had been nearly unbearable, and Remus was used to bearing quite a lot. His bones still ached from their painful transformation, and he had yet another set of scars to match his older ones. He was still wearing a bandage on his left shoulder from where the wolf had lodged a large chunk of splintered wood into his shoulder when he'd rammed against the door.

Remus put his hand up to the wounded spot and pressed sharply, moaning in half pain/half pleasure. He hated this, but it was so amazing to see the pain, and feel it course through his mind in quick red flashes. No one else knew pain like this. It was so extreme, and sharply defined that it almost transcended the boundaries between agony and ecstasy, and he was helpless to stop the wolf from getting what it wanted. Hell, the wolf had demanded his soul, and he'd answered its call. If he hadn't, then Romulus would still be alive. If he hadn't been tainted all along by the spirit of the wolf, things would have been different, but he hadn't been strong enough to resist the temptation; the evil. He had never been strong, and his weakness had cost his brother his life.

After that night, it had been clear that he had been cursed all along. His parents had been quick to claim that he was no son of theirs. Losing his twin had been painful in far too many ways, and losing his parents as well just made it even more obvious that he was alone, with a monster inside his mind, making him do strange and violent things. He'd been reviled by everyone, and perhaps if he hadn't needed someone so badly, he wouldn't have become such good friends with David. Maybe nothing would have turned out like it had if he had just resisted, for a bit longer, the call of the night.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smouldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers

"Damnit! Jamie, you have to help me! You have to help me get through to him! I can't take this anymore. I'm going to march right up to him and demand an answer."

"No, you aren't. Sirius, if you care about him, and I know you do, you won't do anything rash. You have to try and be patient. Just because you know he has a secret now, doesn't mean that he didn't have one all along. Don't jump to conclusions, and don't risk another confrontation with him. He won't let you get close to him that way. You scare him when you do that. Not to mention how angry he gets."

"He scares me, James." said Sirius in a subdued voice. "I don't want to be afraid of him, but I can't help it."

"Yeah. I know, his eyes go so… blank… and it's terrifying if he looks at you like that, with no emotions anywhere. You can barely believe he's human."

"But he is, Jamie. He's more human than evidently he thinks. I can tell, he just wants someone to get through all those barriers, but I've tried, and I don't know how. He's so sure he can push me away, that sometimes, I actually believe it too. If he doesn't crack sometime soon, I think I might go insane. It's hard to believe in him, when he's making me doubt myself in the process."

"Sirius, have you bothered to ask yourself what is going to happen when he "cracks" as you put it? Aren't you a little afraid to find out? You should be, I think."

"I know, but the truth is, I'm not. I love him too much. I want to know what makes him go so crazy, and I want to be there to help him. As to whether or not I should be afraid of that, I guess we'll have to see, right?" Sirius picked up his bag and started to move out of the library.

James followed, murmuring under his breath, "I hope everything turns out like you want it too, but I'm more afraid that I'll have to put you back together as well. We can't all come out of this the same, no matter how fiercely we believe in storybook endings."