Fanfiction Four VII.V: The Mutant of the Ocean
God, she's beautiful when she's asleep. Trent thought as he watched Daria sleep in his bed.
She began to stir. "Hmm...Trent?" she mumbled. Without her glasses, he looked like a tall thin blob.
"What happened? Where is everyone?"
"You fell asleep in the car." he said, giving her her glasses. "I knew something like that
might wipe you out for awhile. Danny wanted to be let out at Radio Shack. Janey's in her room working
on a portrait she's been doing of Jesse. He's modeling for her."
"Caffeine." mumbled Daria. "Must-have-caffeine."
"C'mon, put on your boots and I'll take you to Starbucks."
Meanwhile, in Jane's room, Jesse was sitting for Jane.
"Can I see it now?" he asked.
"Not untill it's finished." she answered.
"C'mon, Jane, I've been posing for weeks, sitting still, not talking."
"Not talking used to be your specialty."
"I-well-I like talking to you. How 'bout just a peek?"
"No, Jesse." Jane turned to rinse out her brush in a jug of water. I can probably slip over
and catch a glimpse now, if I hurry. Jesse thought. In his haste, he bumped into Jane. She tried
to keep her balance by grabbing Jesse, who tried to keep his balance by grabbing the easel, knocking
over a jar of titanium white.
"Oh geeze, I-I-I'm sorry Jane." said Jesse.
"Never mind." sighed Jane. She just couldn't get mad at him.
"I really made a mess."
Jane sang a song to the tune of "A Little Fall of Rain" from /Les Miserables/.
Jane:
Don't you fret, Jesse Moreno
This color's kinda faint
A little splash of paint
Can hardly stain my rug
It's cool, we'll just clean up the mess
And we must keep it damp
So that it doesn't set
And it will be clean more or less
Jesse: (helps her work on the stain)
I will clean it up, Jane-with turpentine
I should clean it up 'cuz the fault is mine.
Jane: (puts her hand on his)
Just hold it there, and use this rag
Glad this rug isn't shag
Jesse:
I'm sorry I knocked it down
I'm such a big dumb lug
There's water in this jug
Jane:
The paint won't stain my rug
The paint will wash away at last
And we must keep it damp
So that it doesn't set
I hope this thing is colorfast
The paint dripped on my rug
Is water based
We just need to scrub it
Till it's erased
Next time I'll use conte crayon
This rug is made of rayon
(They sing in counterpoint)
Jesse: Jane:
I'm sorry, dear Janey So don't you fret, Jesse Moreno
This color's kinda faint This color's kinda faint
A little splash of paint A little splash of paint
Can hardly stain your rug Can hardly stain my rug
It's cool. We'll just clean up the mess
I will stay with you And we must keep it damp
Till the stain is gone So that it doesn't set
And it And it
Will be clean more or Will be clean more or....
Jesse:
less.
Trent and Daria were recognized at Starbucks. "Look, Zelda!" said one of the baristas.
"It's Phantom and Sir Stretchalot! They were on TV just this morning!"
"Hi," said Trent. "I'll have a tall mochalatte with just a little whipped topping. What do
you want, Daria?"
"Umm....I'm really more of a tea person than a coffee person. But, I'll go for the coa-coa."
"Try the Godiva hot chocolate." recomended the first barista, whose name tag read "Fran"
"It's delicious and for you two, on me."
"Really, you don't have to." said Trent.
"It's the least I can do for Lawndale's resident super heros." said Fran. "So, what kind of
cream do you want, Sir Stretch?"
"Any cream will do." he answered.
"You serious?" Fran asked.
Trent extolled his love for coffee in a song set to the tune of "Any Dream Will Do" from
/Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat/. Daria and the two baristas supplied background vocals.
Trent:
Went to Starbucks
Ordered some java
As hot as lava
And it was fresh brewed
Far, far away
The beans are growing
And I am knowing
Any cream will do
I drank mocha
Daria and Baristas:
I drank mocha
Trent:
With chocolate syrup
Daria and Baristas:
Aaaa-aaaah
Trent:
Thought it could cheer up
Daria and Baristas:
Oooo-ooooh
Trent:
The dreariest mood
Espresso beans
Daria and Baristas:
Espresso beans
Trent:
Give me the jitters
Daria and Baristas:
Aaaa-aaaah
Trent:
And they taste quite bitter
Daria and Baristas:
Oooo-ooooh
All:
Any cream will do
Trent:
Vanilla bean!
Or hazelnut!
Either of that
Will make the cut
All:
The coffee doesn't taste good when black
It needs some sugar
Trent:
May I have some
Daria:
May I have some
Tremt:
Of those biscotti
Daria:
Aaaa-aaah
Trent:
Dip 'em till they're soggy
'Cuz they're hard to chew
My date and I
Daria:
My date and I
Trent:
We need some caffeine
Daria:
Oooo-ooooh
Trent:
some coffee quaffing
Any cream will do
All:
Any cream will do
(musical interlude; baristas mix up coffee drinks, put in flavor shots, steam milk, etc. Daria bobs
her head in tune as Trent hums the melody.)
Trent:
Some half and half!
Or cinnamon!
My coffee cup
second to none!
All:
The coffee doesn't taste good when black
It needs some sugar
Trent:
Any cream will do
Daria:
Any cream, any cream
All:
Any cream will do
Trent:
Give me my cup of Joe
My caffeine filled cup of
Joooooooooooooooe!!!
(Big finish!)
Nautilus and the mermaids wriggled out of the sea and on to the shore. It was true. After
the mermaids had time to dry off after getting out of the sea, their tails split. Scales became
supple pink skin, fins became delicate feet and toes. And then there was the pelvic region. "We'll
need weapons to take back our queen. Here's the plan, my beauties."
After he told the mermaids his plan, they followed him to Billy Bob's Hunting Supplies. "Yeah,"
said Billy Bob. "Whaddya wa-wa-wa-wa...." Billy Bob saw a dozen sexy women wearing some shells,
flowers and little else.
"We'd like some free guns." giggled Coral. "Is that OK?"
"Uh huh," mummbled a mesmorized Billy Bob.
"We need some ammo, to." said Azul, batting her lashes. "Can we have some? Pleeeeeeaase?"
"OH, look at these cute outfits!" said Pelagia, modeling a pair of cammo pants. "Can we have
some? Pwetty pwetty pweese?"
Billy Bob nodded. Then he snapped out of it. "Wait, wait, I've gotta do a background check
on you ladies!"
"You don't need a background check." said Amphitrite, removing one of her starfish pasties.
"I don't need a background check." Billy Bob was back in his trance.
"You want to give us anything we want." Amphitrite removed the other starfish.
"Take anything you want."
"The Brady Bill is a bunch of bull anyway." Amphitrite swayed her torso.
"The Brady Bill is a bunch of bull anyway."
"Excellent work, my dears." said Nautilus. "Now we must get my queen!" Nautilus and the mermaids
began to sing a song to the tune of "The Mob Song" from /Beauty and the Beast/.
Hydrangea:
We will invade the Drylands
Anemone:
We will bring back our king's mate
Zephyr:
But first this nowhere suburbian town we must infiltrate
Calliope:
We'll take her back to our kingdom to be queen of the sea
Nautilus:
So it's time to take some action, girls
It's time to follow me!
(As he sings, he leads them down the street to a bus stop. They catch a bus full of characters
so unsavory, they don't even notice a dozen heavily armed girls. Coral pays the "fare" by flashing
the driver.)
Down this street
By a bench
There's a bus stop at the corner
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride
Pay the fare
And we're there
In the middle of the suburbs
(They're in downtown Lawndale, not far from Starbucks)
And there's something truly wonderful inside
It's my queen
She's got a tongue
A razor sharp one
Sexy legs
That just beg to be seen
She won't respond
To my mac
But we're not going back
Without her!
I'll have her!
Get my queen!
"What's all that racket outside?" asked Fran, going to the window.
"Oh my lord!"said Zelda. "I can't believe it! Bikini girls with machine guns!"
Trent looked out the window. "Daria, isn't that the goofy red-haired fuck who was bothering
you this morning at the beach?"
"Upchuck?" Daria saw it, but couldn't believe it.
"Attention, puny Drylanders!" he announced "I am no longer the one you knew as Charles Ruttheimer
III. I am now King Nautilus of the Sea People!"
"King Nauseous is more like it." Daria commented.
"I will have Daria Morgendorfer, better known as Phantom, as my queen. If she is not in my
embrace within the hour, my mermaids will wreck havoc on the city. Won't you, ladies?"
"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" The mermaids continued the song.
Mermaids:
We've got guns
And they're fun
Nautilus:
I'd listen to us if I were you.
Mermaids:
We're counting on Nautilus to lead the way
In this town
On this block
Nautilus:
Hey, that's her inside Starbucks!
Mermaids:
It's our queen
And she must marry our king
It's legal
Though they're only seventeen
Sally forth
Tally ho
We've got guns
And ammo
Just like huns and here we go!
"Dar-i-a!" Nautilus sang. "Come out and play-ay!"
"Daria," said Trent. "I think you'd better go invisible for awhile so he can't find you."
"No, Trent." she said. "You see the guns. They mean buisiness. It's me he wants."
"No, don't!" he begged. "We'll think of something."
The mermaids terrorized the town. Not caring for money, they held up people and businesses
for jewelry, pastries and trinkets. "Take whatever booty you want." said Nautilus. "But remember,
the queen is mine!" The song continued.
Mermaids:
We've grenades
And rifles
And weapons of mass destruction
That guy Billy Bob shoulda had us screened
Loot and riot
Sing the song
Here we come, a dozen strong
And a dozen mermaids can't be wrong
Give us the queen!
"I better go out there before they hurt someone." Daria decided.
"No, it's not safe." said Trent.
"If I wanted to be safe, I never would've become the Phantom." She went for the door. Trent
followed, ready to protect her. The mob outside chanted.
Nautilus& Mermaids:
Where's the queen?
Where's the queen?
Where's the queen?
"I'm right here, Nauseous." said Daria, trying out the new insult. "What the hell do you want?"
"Ah, Daria, Queen of my Heart." sighed Nautilus. "You know it's you that I desire. I am now king
of the Sea People and only you are worthy of being my queen."
"I'd sooner French kiss a walrus!"
"Ooh, kinky! Daria, my love, come quietly and these ladies will follow you into the sea and
heed your bidding as they do for me. Otherwise, some innocent bystanders are going to get hurt."
"Hmmm...tough choice." Daria said. "Marriage to you, death of innocent bystanders. Marriage
to you, death of innocent bystanders. No lie, this is one tough dilemma."
"Oh come, it's not that difficult." He put his hands on her shoulders. A tremendous right
hook landed on the side of his head.
"Get your damn hands off her, you slimy glass-jawed freak!" Trent said, retracting his arm.
"How dare you attack our king!" shouted Salina, just before sending a hail of bullets in his
direction.
"TRENT!!!" Daria scremed and covered her eyes. Oh my God, Trent. she thought. That is the
/stupidest/ thing you've ever done!
"Weep not, Milady." said Nautilus. "He lives yet."
Daria dared look up. Sure enough, Trent was still standing. His shirt was in tatters and
the bullets that had bounced off his rubbery body lay at his feet. Trent had long suspected his
stretchable body had a degree of invulnerability, but understandably, never wanted to test it.
"Damn, and that was my favorite shirt." he said.
"Your boyfriend may be bullet-proof." Nautilus declared. "But what about these other people?
How many deaths must I order before you agree to marry me?"
"None, Nautilus." she sighed. "I'll go."
"Daria, no!" said Trent, running up to her.
"The lady made a choice." said Nautilus.
"Trent," Daria tried to swallow her tears. "I'm sorry. I can't let people be killed for me."
"Let's go." said Nautilus, becoming bored. "Hydrangea, be a dear and get us a ride."
"Yes, Milord." she said. Hydrangea saw a VW mini-bus coming down the street. She jumped in
front of it and flashed her headlights, so to speak. It came to a screeching hault. "Whoa, du-ude."
mumbled the aging hippie that stumbled out. "I gotta quit hitting the bong before driving."
"We desire your transport." said Amphitrite, beginning to peel off one of her starfish.
"Help yourself, babe." said the hippie. The mermaids piled in. Nautilus shoved Daria in the
shotgun seat and took the wheel. As he peeled out, driving East, Trent shouted after them "I'll
find you, Daria! I swear I will!"
As Nautilus drove his kingdom of 13 to the ocean, a song cue started. It was sung to the
tune of "The Phantom of the Opera" from the musical of the same title.
Daria:
This geek he came to me, this geek he came
At first he growled at me, and acted lame
He's the world's biggest twerp, he is so crass
The Mutant of the Ocean is a pain in the ass.
Nautilus:
Come to the sea with me, and be my bride
The hate you show to me is love you hide
And though you resist me I'll marry you
Nautilus of the Ocean is here, so buy a clue
Daria:
Those who spend time with you, draw back in fright
Your presence sickens me
Nautilus:
I'll get laid tonight!
Both:
A sub marine wedding is what he's/I've planned
The Mutant/Nautilus of the Ocean is there/here, driving the van
Mermaids:
He sings, Nautilus of the Ocean
Our king, Nautilus of the Ocean
Nautilus:
In all your fantasies, you always knew
That man and mystery
Daria:
I can't stand you
Both:
And in this VW with hippie beads
The Mutant/Nautilus of the Ocean is there/here, unheeding my/your pleads
Nautilus: (spoken)
Sing, my siren!
Daria:
He's there, the Mutant of the Ocean
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nautilus: (spoken)
Sing for ME!
(She continues to call for help, beginning on high A flat to above middle C)
Trent sped home and ran up the stairs to Jane's room. "Janey, Daria's been...Yeagh!
Jane screamed too. So did Jesse. They had been rolling about on some butcher paper that had
been strewn on the floor. Both were stripped to the waist and covered in paint. Jane grabbed Jesse's
black leather vest to cover up with. "Daria's been kidnapped." Trent finally said. "It seems that
red-haired freak from this morning calls himself King Nautilus and has a dozen women who follow
him. We need to rescue her."
"Um...can we clean up and get dressed first?" asked Jane.
Trent sighed. "I don't think he'll hurt her, but hurry." Trent left and changed his own shirt.
"Guess we'll have to devirginate each other later." sighed Jane.
"Yeah." sighed Jesse.
God, this is just to weird, Trent thought as the three of them gathered downstairs. But I
have to get over it for Daria's sake. "Alright," he said. "We've got to find Daria"
"You ought to ask my brother Danny." said Jesse. "The orriginal computer geek." He began to
sing to the tune of "Mr. Mistoffelees" from /Cats/.
Jesse:
The greatest technitions have something to learn
From Danny Moreno's computer turn
And you'll all say
Oh well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
(They're suddenly in the Moreno house. Danny slides down the bannister with a "Hey Presto!" and goes into an elaborate dance routine as Jesse sings)
He's quiet, he's small, he's 14
You wouldn't suspect he was to bright
He designed a saver for his screen
He can hack into any web site
He subscribes to Wired magazine
He is not only cunning he's nice
He is always reading manuals and needing
Some insulated wires to splice
He can fix anything with a plug
Or a diode and a circuit board
His computer's never had a bug
His junk drawer is full of extension cords
He's created some gadgets unseen since Q's day
And you'll find them next week for sale on E-bay
All: (except Danny)
And we all say
Oh! Well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Oh! Well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Danny:
Well! I designed a web site aged 10
I work out logarythems in my head
I work the computer in the den
I do soldering in my tool shed
And I've sometimes been in my tool shed
When I'd rather be in the den
At least I have heard that my 'puter whirred
And now we'll all sing it again
of my singular technical powers
And I've known for Jesse to call
Me on the telephone for hours
When I was on AOL
Jesse:
And not long ago, this phenomenal kid
fixed a linear reactants matrix grid!
And we all say.......
All: (Except Danny, who has gone back to his dance routine)
Oh! Well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Oh! Well there never was there ever
a kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Jesse: (spoken)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you the Technical Danny Moreno!
(big finish!)
"So, what's up?" asked Danny.
"Daria's been kidnapped by some guy called Nauseous, or something." said Trent.
"Is she still carrying her transmitter?" asked Danny.
"She keeps hers in her jacket pocket." Trent said. The whole team had taken to carrying
theirs on a daily basis.
"Then finding her won't be hard." said Danny." Let me get the receiver." Danny concentrated
on the blip on the screen heading East. "They're taking her to the beach. This can't be right...
according to these co-ordinants, she's heading right into the Atlantic!"
"He called himself the Sea King, or something." said Trent. "He had a bunch of bikini girls
with machine guns that he called mermaids."
"My friends and I built an airboat last summer." said Danny. "It's still docked out there.
There's an old dude named Yves who lives near the beach and rents wet suits and scuba gear. But
I've got something better." Danny rushed off to his room and came right back with a contraption
that looked like an oversized fish bowl with a headset. "I've rigged up a helmet that will allow
divers to speak with each other. It's a mic and speaker system based on the one NASA uses. Try it
on, Bro." He stuck it on Jesse's head.
"Cool." said Jesse, as the mic whistled.
"You're into diving?" asked Jane.
"Jane," laughed Danny. "It's a common fallacy that computer geeks are pasty freaks with no
interest in anything that isn't in cyber-space. I have a healthy curiosity about nearly everything."
They drove to the dock. "My fire power's no use under water." said Jane. "I'll wait here for
you to flush him out." Danny, Trent and Jesse rented and dressed in the wet suits. Danny gunned
the motor on the airboat. "Altogether!" he shouted "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
After boating a couple of miles offshore, Danny stopped the motor so he could check the
co-ordinants on the receiver. "Dude," Jesse said to Trent. "About what you saw back there..."
"If you don't mind, Jesse, I'm trying very hard to forget it."
"Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea."
"You were on the floor, with my baby sister, both of you half naked and covered in paint.
What sort of ideas would I get from that?"
"Whoa!" interjected Danny. "You scored, Bro? You da man, Jess!"
"I didn't score!" said Jesse. "It was just-you know-foreplay."
"That's even worse." said Trent.
"And, it was really her idea."
"Great. Why don't you go to the men's room at Gas'N'Gulp and write 'For a good time call
Trent's sister' on the wall?"
"I'm just trying to say, I'd never do anything to hurt her."
"Were you going to do anything?"
"Well, I'll never know now." Jesse had an edge of bitterness to his voice.
"Please tell me you were going to use protection."
"Yeah, what did you think the butcher paper was for?"
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh, you mean...Dude, I'm not some freak who carries around condoms hoping to get laid!
Besides, she's never been with anyone and I've never been with anyone so we're both clean."
"Hang on," said Danny. "Jesse, you're still a virgin?"
"And you're not?"
"I'm a 14 year old computer nerd. What do you think? But you are a rock singer-slash-body
builder-slash-super hero. You should be bringing home hot babes night after night. And introducing
me to their little sisters the next day!"
"Sorry." said Jesse. "I'm a one woman man."
"Anyway, Daria's right under us, a few hundred fathoms down." Danny put on his helmet. "Let's
do this." The other two followed suit.
Meanwhile, Nautilus was preparing for his nuptials. "I want Pearl, Pax, Anemone, Azul, Zephyr
and Coral to come with me." He said. "Amphitrite, you and the others prepare my bride."
"As you wish, Your Majesty." she said evenly.
Ichthys and Calliope started brushing Daria's hair and braiding it with sea grass. Daria tried
to break loose. "I wouldn't do that." teased Ichthys. As soon as she broke their grasp, Daria felt
herself being suffocated by sea water. "Now be a good girl and let us fix you up for your wedding."
said the mermaid.
"Ingratful little Drylander." growled Amphitrite. "You're marrying our king. Isn't he good
enough for you?"
"Listen, Ampetheater, or whatever your name is," said Daria. "If you want Upchuck so much,
you can have him! I only agreed to this because he threatened to have some innocent people killed."
Amphitrite sneered. "I don't know what Nautilus sees in you. You are by far the homliest
Drylander I've ever seen."
"I task him." said Daria. "Like Ahab's whale, I task him. That's why he's interested."
"Who is this Ahab?" asked Calliope. "He sounds cute!"
"What's this?" asked Salina, removing Daria's jacket.
"That's mine!" said Daria.
"It's a jacket." said Pelagia. "Really, Salina, how do you expect to blend in with Drylanders
without a modicum of fashion sense? This T-shirt has to go too." Pelagia ignored Daria's protests
as she stripped her. "Amphitrite, would you please find me some scallops so I can make a halter?"
"Scallops?" scoffed Amphitrite. "Mussels are big enough for her."
"Look what I made!" said Hydrangea. She had made a diadem of pearls and attached a veil of
gossamer to it. She placed it on Daria's head. "Here you go." She stuffed a parcel in Daria's arms.
"Just what is this?"
"Why, it's a conch shell stuffed with red algae." Hydrangea replied. "Every mermaid bride
must carry one."
"OK, that's a metaphore Freud would have a field day with."
"Let's put some flower garlands on her." suggested Pelagia.
"Let's not and say we did." Daria suggested.
"Go ahead." said Amphitrite. "It will draw attention away from those barnacles that pass
for breasts. And what are those things on her face?" She snatched her glasses.
"I'm getting fucking sick and tired of people grabbing my things!" said Daria.
"By Neptune, she's as plain as a flounder even without- whatever this is." Amphitrite commented.
Meanwhile, Nautilus was being attended by the other mermaids. Other that his green Speedos,
all he wore was a few necklaces of shark's teethe, a crown of auger shells and a cape made from
an old net "How do I look, ladies?" he asked.
"Oh, so cute!" squealed Pax.
"You're so handsome, Sire." agreed Pearl.
"Don't I know it." God, I love twins! he thought. If Daria doesn't tire me out, I'll spend
some time with them tonight.
"I still think he should wear at least one flower." said Anemone, tucking one behind his ear.
"Mermen don't wear flowers, Anemone." said Azul. "They carry tridents, like this." She gave
Nautilus an iron pitchfork with three prongs.
"Begging your pardon, Your Majesty." said Zephyr. "But why do you want some homely Drylander
who doesn't appreciate your greatness?"
"Yes." said Coral. "Let the silly thing with the big eyes beach herself and take one of us."
"Ah, my dears, you don't understand Dryland women. For them, no means yes. She only resists me
so I'll try harder to win her favor. Ah, Daria, the most beautiful sound I ever heard."
They began another song. This time, to the tune of "Maria" from /West Side Story/.
Nautilus:
The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
Pearl:
Daria,
Pax:
Daria,
Nautilus:
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word.
Anemone:
Daria,
Azul:
Daria,
Mermaids:
Daria, Daria, Daria, Daria
Da-ri-a
(They continue singing her name)
Nautilus:
Daria, I'll marry a girl named Daria
And suddenly our game
Of moth to a flame
Won't be
Daria, I'll score with a girl named Daria
We'll cut through all the bull
And together we'll rule
The sea!
Daria!
Says she hates me but I know she's playing
And she's soft, if you know what I'm saying.
Daria,
Tonight I'll be laying
Daria!
The couple was brought together in the throneroom of the castle. "My, don't you look lovely."
Nautilus complimented Daria.
"Just when I thought the copulatory symbols couldn't be more blatent." she said, taking in
the auger shells, shark's teethe and trident. She shuddered involuntarily when Nautilus took her hand.
"As king, I will officiate our wedding. I, King Nautilus VII, do take you, Daria, to be my
wife and queen forever and always." Daria choked on an urge to scream. "And do you, Daria, take
me as your husband and king, forever and always?"
Daria wanted to say "Hell no, you greasy son of a squid!" Then she thought of the vengeful
rage Nautilus would go into. He would hurt innocent people. Perhaps even the people she cared for
the most. "Well....well, I-I-I...."
"She does not!" Trent shouted, coming through a window. "Wow, I've always wanted to say
that!" Jesse stood by him. Daria was never happier to see these two.
"Mermaids, ATTACK!!!" Nautilus ordered. Trent fought them off easily.
"Not so tough without your guns, are you?" he asked. He saw Jesse having trouble. A pair of
mermaids who could've been twins seemed to be hugging him to death. "Dammit, Jesse, you can do
better than that!"
"But they're girls!"
"Oh for..." Trent pulled the twins off him and stretched a hand out to Daria. She grasped it.
"You fool!" said Nautilus. "Without contact with a merperson, she'll drown!"
Daria's lungs were already bursting from pressure. But she didn't care. This was still better
than a lifetime under the sea with Nauseous and his harem. Trent took a deep breath and held it.
He put his helmet on Daria's head and began to swim for the surface. Halfway up, Daria held her
breath and returned the helmet.
"No! I will not have this!!" screamed Nautilus. He let out a scream of pure rage. A whirlpool
begin to form around him. Jesse saw what was happening, and knew it wasn't good. He broke free from
the affectionate mermaids and swam for the surface.
"Head for the boat!" he shouted. "He's gonna blow!"
Just as they got on the boat, a vortex of water formed on the surface, towering them. Nautilus
sat on top, waving his trident. "I WILL HAVE DARIA, OR NO ONE WILL!!!" he thundered.
Jane could see the tsunami from the dock where she had been waiting. "Better go help." she
decided. "Flame on!" She flew out to where the trouble was.
"Upchuck," she said when she saw the new sea king. "When will you learn that no means no?"
"Upchuck is no more! I am King Nautilus! I suggest you leave. You know what water does to fire."
"And I know what fire can do to water!" She began to zip around the whirlpool, getting her
flames as hot as she could.
"What are you doing?" he demanded. The water under him began to boil. "Ow! Stop this at
oooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The whirlpool had vaporized,
leaving the king without his throne.
"Gun it, Danny!" yelled Jesse. Jane followed the speeding airboat to land.
"Next time!" swore Nautilus. "I'll get her next time!"
Back at Casa Lane, Jane offered to find some clothes for Daria to change into. Jesse and
Danny went home to store the helmets away. "Ya know, Daria," said Trent. "You actually look kinda
cute dressed like that."
"I do not." she contested. "I look like the bride of Swamp Thing."
"Daria, listen," he said. He sang to the tune of "Suddenly Seymoure" from /Little Shop of Horrors/.
Trent:
Lift up your head
Take off that tiara
Here, use this hairbrush
Wipe that seaweed away
Show me your face
Clear as the morning
I know things were bad
but now they're OK
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is standing beside you
You don't need no sea shells
Your own sweet self will do
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is here to provide you
Sweet understanding
Trent Lane's there for you
Daria:
Nobody ever
Treated me kindly
Daddy's a dumass
Mama's a lawyer
I knew a guy
Who was spineless and slimy
He'd snap his fingers
And I'd say "Up yours."
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is standing beside me
He don't give me orders
He don't condescend
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is here to provide me
Sweet understanding
Trent Lane's my friend
Trent:
Tell me this feeling
Will last till forever
Tell me the bad times
Are clean washed away
Daria:
Please understand that
It's still strange and frightning
For misery chicks
This is hard to say
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is here beside me
Suddenly Trent Lane
Showed me I can
Trent:
Yes you can!
Daria:
I sing the refrain
Both:
Of the girl that's inside me/you
Daria:
With sweet understanding
Trent:
With sweet understanding
Both:
With sweet understanding!
Trent Lane's my/your man.......
(They kiss and fade out)
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
"Boo-hoo. It's Valentine's Day and no one loves me."
"I don't even like tortillas."
"I kinda gathered that when you screamed out my name and nearly crushed my ribs."
"I hope nothing, like, bad happens to me."
"You come back here and date me, dammit!"
"Gregory, I want you to perform a cavity search on this man!"
(A/N) This one was a two-parter because the song parodies take up so much space. So do credits,
but here they are anyway. /Les Miserables/ belongs to Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg and
Herbert Kretzner. /Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat/ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber
and Tim Rice. /Beauty and the Beast/ and /Little Shop of Horrors/ belong to Alan Menken and Howard
Ashman. /Phantom of the Opera/ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Charles Hart and Richard Stulgoe.
/Cats/ belongs to Mr. Webber and T.S. Eliot. /West Side Story/ belongs to Leonard Bernstein and
Stephen Soundheim.
God, she's beautiful when she's asleep. Trent thought as he watched Daria sleep in his bed.
She began to stir. "Hmm...Trent?" she mumbled. Without her glasses, he looked like a tall thin blob.
"What happened? Where is everyone?"
"You fell asleep in the car." he said, giving her her glasses. "I knew something like that
might wipe you out for awhile. Danny wanted to be let out at Radio Shack. Janey's in her room working
on a portrait she's been doing of Jesse. He's modeling for her."
"Caffeine." mumbled Daria. "Must-have-caffeine."
"C'mon, put on your boots and I'll take you to Starbucks."
Meanwhile, in Jane's room, Jesse was sitting for Jane.
"Can I see it now?" he asked.
"Not untill it's finished." she answered.
"C'mon, Jane, I've been posing for weeks, sitting still, not talking."
"Not talking used to be your specialty."
"I-well-I like talking to you. How 'bout just a peek?"
"No, Jesse." Jane turned to rinse out her brush in a jug of water. I can probably slip over
and catch a glimpse now, if I hurry. Jesse thought. In his haste, he bumped into Jane. She tried
to keep her balance by grabbing Jesse, who tried to keep his balance by grabbing the easel, knocking
over a jar of titanium white.
"Oh geeze, I-I-I'm sorry Jane." said Jesse.
"Never mind." sighed Jane. She just couldn't get mad at him.
"I really made a mess."
Jane sang a song to the tune of "A Little Fall of Rain" from /Les Miserables/.
Jane:
Don't you fret, Jesse Moreno
This color's kinda faint
A little splash of paint
Can hardly stain my rug
It's cool, we'll just clean up the mess
And we must keep it damp
So that it doesn't set
And it will be clean more or less
Jesse: (helps her work on the stain)
I will clean it up, Jane-with turpentine
I should clean it up 'cuz the fault is mine.
Jane: (puts her hand on his)
Just hold it there, and use this rag
Glad this rug isn't shag
Jesse:
I'm sorry I knocked it down
I'm such a big dumb lug
There's water in this jug
Jane:
The paint won't stain my rug
The paint will wash away at last
And we must keep it damp
So that it doesn't set
I hope this thing is colorfast
The paint dripped on my rug
Is water based
We just need to scrub it
Till it's erased
Next time I'll use conte crayon
This rug is made of rayon
(They sing in counterpoint)
Jesse: Jane:
I'm sorry, dear Janey So don't you fret, Jesse Moreno
This color's kinda faint This color's kinda faint
A little splash of paint A little splash of paint
Can hardly stain your rug Can hardly stain my rug
It's cool. We'll just clean up the mess
I will stay with you And we must keep it damp
Till the stain is gone So that it doesn't set
And it And it
Will be clean more or Will be clean more or....
Jesse:
less.
Trent and Daria were recognized at Starbucks. "Look, Zelda!" said one of the baristas.
"It's Phantom and Sir Stretchalot! They were on TV just this morning!"
"Hi," said Trent. "I'll have a tall mochalatte with just a little whipped topping. What do
you want, Daria?"
"Umm....I'm really more of a tea person than a coffee person. But, I'll go for the coa-coa."
"Try the Godiva hot chocolate." recomended the first barista, whose name tag read "Fran"
"It's delicious and for you two, on me."
"Really, you don't have to." said Trent.
"It's the least I can do for Lawndale's resident super heros." said Fran. "So, what kind of
cream do you want, Sir Stretch?"
"Any cream will do." he answered.
"You serious?" Fran asked.
Trent extolled his love for coffee in a song set to the tune of "Any Dream Will Do" from
/Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat/. Daria and the two baristas supplied background vocals.
Trent:
Went to Starbucks
Ordered some java
As hot as lava
And it was fresh brewed
Far, far away
The beans are growing
And I am knowing
Any cream will do
I drank mocha
Daria and Baristas:
I drank mocha
Trent:
With chocolate syrup
Daria and Baristas:
Aaaa-aaaah
Trent:
Thought it could cheer up
Daria and Baristas:
Oooo-ooooh
Trent:
The dreariest mood
Espresso beans
Daria and Baristas:
Espresso beans
Trent:
Give me the jitters
Daria and Baristas:
Aaaa-aaaah
Trent:
And they taste quite bitter
Daria and Baristas:
Oooo-ooooh
All:
Any cream will do
Trent:
Vanilla bean!
Or hazelnut!
Either of that
Will make the cut
All:
The coffee doesn't taste good when black
It needs some sugar
Trent:
May I have some
Daria:
May I have some
Tremt:
Of those biscotti
Daria:
Aaaa-aaah
Trent:
Dip 'em till they're soggy
'Cuz they're hard to chew
My date and I
Daria:
My date and I
Trent:
We need some caffeine
Daria:
Oooo-ooooh
Trent:
some coffee quaffing
Any cream will do
All:
Any cream will do
(musical interlude; baristas mix up coffee drinks, put in flavor shots, steam milk, etc. Daria bobs
her head in tune as Trent hums the melody.)
Trent:
Some half and half!
Or cinnamon!
My coffee cup
second to none!
All:
The coffee doesn't taste good when black
It needs some sugar
Trent:
Any cream will do
Daria:
Any cream, any cream
All:
Any cream will do
Trent:
Give me my cup of Joe
My caffeine filled cup of
Joooooooooooooooe!!!
(Big finish!)
Nautilus and the mermaids wriggled out of the sea and on to the shore. It was true. After
the mermaids had time to dry off after getting out of the sea, their tails split. Scales became
supple pink skin, fins became delicate feet and toes. And then there was the pelvic region. "We'll
need weapons to take back our queen. Here's the plan, my beauties."
After he told the mermaids his plan, they followed him to Billy Bob's Hunting Supplies. "Yeah,"
said Billy Bob. "Whaddya wa-wa-wa-wa...." Billy Bob saw a dozen sexy women wearing some shells,
flowers and little else.
"We'd like some free guns." giggled Coral. "Is that OK?"
"Uh huh," mummbled a mesmorized Billy Bob.
"We need some ammo, to." said Azul, batting her lashes. "Can we have some? Pleeeeeeaase?"
"OH, look at these cute outfits!" said Pelagia, modeling a pair of cammo pants. "Can we have
some? Pwetty pwetty pweese?"
Billy Bob nodded. Then he snapped out of it. "Wait, wait, I've gotta do a background check
on you ladies!"
"You don't need a background check." said Amphitrite, removing one of her starfish pasties.
"I don't need a background check." Billy Bob was back in his trance.
"You want to give us anything we want." Amphitrite removed the other starfish.
"Take anything you want."
"The Brady Bill is a bunch of bull anyway." Amphitrite swayed her torso.
"The Brady Bill is a bunch of bull anyway."
"Excellent work, my dears." said Nautilus. "Now we must get my queen!" Nautilus and the mermaids
began to sing a song to the tune of "The Mob Song" from /Beauty and the Beast/.
Hydrangea:
We will invade the Drylands
Anemone:
We will bring back our king's mate
Zephyr:
But first this nowhere suburbian town we must infiltrate
Calliope:
We'll take her back to our kingdom to be queen of the sea
Nautilus:
So it's time to take some action, girls
It's time to follow me!
(As he sings, he leads them down the street to a bus stop. They catch a bus full of characters
so unsavory, they don't even notice a dozen heavily armed girls. Coral pays the "fare" by flashing
the driver.)
Down this street
By a bench
There's a bus stop at the corner
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride
Pay the fare
And we're there
In the middle of the suburbs
(They're in downtown Lawndale, not far from Starbucks)
And there's something truly wonderful inside
It's my queen
She's got a tongue
A razor sharp one
Sexy legs
That just beg to be seen
She won't respond
To my mac
But we're not going back
Without her!
I'll have her!
Get my queen!
"What's all that racket outside?" asked Fran, going to the window.
"Oh my lord!"said Zelda. "I can't believe it! Bikini girls with machine guns!"
Trent looked out the window. "Daria, isn't that the goofy red-haired fuck who was bothering
you this morning at the beach?"
"Upchuck?" Daria saw it, but couldn't believe it.
"Attention, puny Drylanders!" he announced "I am no longer the one you knew as Charles Ruttheimer
III. I am now King Nautilus of the Sea People!"
"King Nauseous is more like it." Daria commented.
"I will have Daria Morgendorfer, better known as Phantom, as my queen. If she is not in my
embrace within the hour, my mermaids will wreck havoc on the city. Won't you, ladies?"
"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" The mermaids continued the song.
Mermaids:
We've got guns
And they're fun
Nautilus:
I'd listen to us if I were you.
Mermaids:
We're counting on Nautilus to lead the way
In this town
On this block
Nautilus:
Hey, that's her inside Starbucks!
Mermaids:
It's our queen
And she must marry our king
It's legal
Though they're only seventeen
Sally forth
Tally ho
We've got guns
And ammo
Just like huns and here we go!
"Dar-i-a!" Nautilus sang. "Come out and play-ay!"
"Daria," said Trent. "I think you'd better go invisible for awhile so he can't find you."
"No, Trent." she said. "You see the guns. They mean buisiness. It's me he wants."
"No, don't!" he begged. "We'll think of something."
The mermaids terrorized the town. Not caring for money, they held up people and businesses
for jewelry, pastries and trinkets. "Take whatever booty you want." said Nautilus. "But remember,
the queen is mine!" The song continued.
Mermaids:
We've grenades
And rifles
And weapons of mass destruction
That guy Billy Bob shoulda had us screened
Loot and riot
Sing the song
Here we come, a dozen strong
And a dozen mermaids can't be wrong
Give us the queen!
"I better go out there before they hurt someone." Daria decided.
"No, it's not safe." said Trent.
"If I wanted to be safe, I never would've become the Phantom." She went for the door. Trent
followed, ready to protect her. The mob outside chanted.
Nautilus& Mermaids:
Where's the queen?
Where's the queen?
Where's the queen?
"I'm right here, Nauseous." said Daria, trying out the new insult. "What the hell do you want?"
"Ah, Daria, Queen of my Heart." sighed Nautilus. "You know it's you that I desire. I am now king
of the Sea People and only you are worthy of being my queen."
"I'd sooner French kiss a walrus!"
"Ooh, kinky! Daria, my love, come quietly and these ladies will follow you into the sea and
heed your bidding as they do for me. Otherwise, some innocent bystanders are going to get hurt."
"Hmmm...tough choice." Daria said. "Marriage to you, death of innocent bystanders. Marriage
to you, death of innocent bystanders. No lie, this is one tough dilemma."
"Oh come, it's not that difficult." He put his hands on her shoulders. A tremendous right
hook landed on the side of his head.
"Get your damn hands off her, you slimy glass-jawed freak!" Trent said, retracting his arm.
"How dare you attack our king!" shouted Salina, just before sending a hail of bullets in his
direction.
"TRENT!!!" Daria scremed and covered her eyes. Oh my God, Trent. she thought. That is the
/stupidest/ thing you've ever done!
"Weep not, Milady." said Nautilus. "He lives yet."
Daria dared look up. Sure enough, Trent was still standing. His shirt was in tatters and
the bullets that had bounced off his rubbery body lay at his feet. Trent had long suspected his
stretchable body had a degree of invulnerability, but understandably, never wanted to test it.
"Damn, and that was my favorite shirt." he said.
"Your boyfriend may be bullet-proof." Nautilus declared. "But what about these other people?
How many deaths must I order before you agree to marry me?"
"None, Nautilus." she sighed. "I'll go."
"Daria, no!" said Trent, running up to her.
"The lady made a choice." said Nautilus.
"Trent," Daria tried to swallow her tears. "I'm sorry. I can't let people be killed for me."
"Let's go." said Nautilus, becoming bored. "Hydrangea, be a dear and get us a ride."
"Yes, Milord." she said. Hydrangea saw a VW mini-bus coming down the street. She jumped in
front of it and flashed her headlights, so to speak. It came to a screeching hault. "Whoa, du-ude."
mumbled the aging hippie that stumbled out. "I gotta quit hitting the bong before driving."
"We desire your transport." said Amphitrite, beginning to peel off one of her starfish.
"Help yourself, babe." said the hippie. The mermaids piled in. Nautilus shoved Daria in the
shotgun seat and took the wheel. As he peeled out, driving East, Trent shouted after them "I'll
find you, Daria! I swear I will!"
As Nautilus drove his kingdom of 13 to the ocean, a song cue started. It was sung to the
tune of "The Phantom of the Opera" from the musical of the same title.
Daria:
This geek he came to me, this geek he came
At first he growled at me, and acted lame
He's the world's biggest twerp, he is so crass
The Mutant of the Ocean is a pain in the ass.
Nautilus:
Come to the sea with me, and be my bride
The hate you show to me is love you hide
And though you resist me I'll marry you
Nautilus of the Ocean is here, so buy a clue
Daria:
Those who spend time with you, draw back in fright
Your presence sickens me
Nautilus:
I'll get laid tonight!
Both:
A sub marine wedding is what he's/I've planned
The Mutant/Nautilus of the Ocean is there/here, driving the van
Mermaids:
He sings, Nautilus of the Ocean
Our king, Nautilus of the Ocean
Nautilus:
In all your fantasies, you always knew
That man and mystery
Daria:
I can't stand you
Both:
And in this VW with hippie beads
The Mutant/Nautilus of the Ocean is there/here, unheeding my/your pleads
Nautilus: (spoken)
Sing, my siren!
Daria:
He's there, the Mutant of the Ocean
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nautilus: (spoken)
Sing for ME!
(She continues to call for help, beginning on high A flat to above middle C)
Trent sped home and ran up the stairs to Jane's room. "Janey, Daria's been...Yeagh!
Jane screamed too. So did Jesse. They had been rolling about on some butcher paper that had
been strewn on the floor. Both were stripped to the waist and covered in paint. Jane grabbed Jesse's
black leather vest to cover up with. "Daria's been kidnapped." Trent finally said. "It seems that
red-haired freak from this morning calls himself King Nautilus and has a dozen women who follow
him. We need to rescue her."
"Um...can we clean up and get dressed first?" asked Jane.
Trent sighed. "I don't think he'll hurt her, but hurry." Trent left and changed his own shirt.
"Guess we'll have to devirginate each other later." sighed Jane.
"Yeah." sighed Jesse.
God, this is just to weird, Trent thought as the three of them gathered downstairs. But I
have to get over it for Daria's sake. "Alright," he said. "We've got to find Daria"
"You ought to ask my brother Danny." said Jesse. "The orriginal computer geek." He began to
sing to the tune of "Mr. Mistoffelees" from /Cats/.
Jesse:
The greatest technitions have something to learn
From Danny Moreno's computer turn
And you'll all say
Oh well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
(They're suddenly in the Moreno house. Danny slides down the bannister with a "Hey Presto!" and goes into an elaborate dance routine as Jesse sings)
He's quiet, he's small, he's 14
You wouldn't suspect he was to bright
He designed a saver for his screen
He can hack into any web site
He subscribes to Wired magazine
He is not only cunning he's nice
He is always reading manuals and needing
Some insulated wires to splice
He can fix anything with a plug
Or a diode and a circuit board
His computer's never had a bug
His junk drawer is full of extension cords
He's created some gadgets unseen since Q's day
And you'll find them next week for sale on E-bay
All: (except Danny)
And we all say
Oh! Well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Oh! Well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Danny:
Well! I designed a web site aged 10
I work out logarythems in my head
I work the computer in the den
I do soldering in my tool shed
And I've sometimes been in my tool shed
When I'd rather be in the den
At least I have heard that my 'puter whirred
And now we'll all sing it again
of my singular technical powers
And I've known for Jesse to call
Me on the telephone for hours
When I was on AOL
Jesse:
And not long ago, this phenomenal kid
fixed a linear reactants matrix grid!
And we all say.......
All: (Except Danny, who has gone back to his dance routine)
Oh! Well there never was there ever
A kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Oh! Well there never was there ever
a kid so clever as technical Danny Moreno
Jesse: (spoken)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you the Technical Danny Moreno!
(big finish!)
"So, what's up?" asked Danny.
"Daria's been kidnapped by some guy called Nauseous, or something." said Trent.
"Is she still carrying her transmitter?" asked Danny.
"She keeps hers in her jacket pocket." Trent said. The whole team had taken to carrying
theirs on a daily basis.
"Then finding her won't be hard." said Danny." Let me get the receiver." Danny concentrated
on the blip on the screen heading East. "They're taking her to the beach. This can't be right...
according to these co-ordinants, she's heading right into the Atlantic!"
"He called himself the Sea King, or something." said Trent. "He had a bunch of bikini girls
with machine guns that he called mermaids."
"My friends and I built an airboat last summer." said Danny. "It's still docked out there.
There's an old dude named Yves who lives near the beach and rents wet suits and scuba gear. But
I've got something better." Danny rushed off to his room and came right back with a contraption
that looked like an oversized fish bowl with a headset. "I've rigged up a helmet that will allow
divers to speak with each other. It's a mic and speaker system based on the one NASA uses. Try it
on, Bro." He stuck it on Jesse's head.
"Cool." said Jesse, as the mic whistled.
"You're into diving?" asked Jane.
"Jane," laughed Danny. "It's a common fallacy that computer geeks are pasty freaks with no
interest in anything that isn't in cyber-space. I have a healthy curiosity about nearly everything."
They drove to the dock. "My fire power's no use under water." said Jane. "I'll wait here for
you to flush him out." Danny, Trent and Jesse rented and dressed in the wet suits. Danny gunned
the motor on the airboat. "Altogether!" he shouted "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
After boating a couple of miles offshore, Danny stopped the motor so he could check the
co-ordinants on the receiver. "Dude," Jesse said to Trent. "About what you saw back there..."
"If you don't mind, Jesse, I'm trying very hard to forget it."
"Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea."
"You were on the floor, with my baby sister, both of you half naked and covered in paint.
What sort of ideas would I get from that?"
"Whoa!" interjected Danny. "You scored, Bro? You da man, Jess!"
"I didn't score!" said Jesse. "It was just-you know-foreplay."
"That's even worse." said Trent.
"And, it was really her idea."
"Great. Why don't you go to the men's room at Gas'N'Gulp and write 'For a good time call
Trent's sister' on the wall?"
"I'm just trying to say, I'd never do anything to hurt her."
"Were you going to do anything?"
"Well, I'll never know now." Jesse had an edge of bitterness to his voice.
"Please tell me you were going to use protection."
"Yeah, what did you think the butcher paper was for?"
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh, you mean...Dude, I'm not some freak who carries around condoms hoping to get laid!
Besides, she's never been with anyone and I've never been with anyone so we're both clean."
"Hang on," said Danny. "Jesse, you're still a virgin?"
"And you're not?"
"I'm a 14 year old computer nerd. What do you think? But you are a rock singer-slash-body
builder-slash-super hero. You should be bringing home hot babes night after night. And introducing
me to their little sisters the next day!"
"Sorry." said Jesse. "I'm a one woman man."
"Anyway, Daria's right under us, a few hundred fathoms down." Danny put on his helmet. "Let's
do this." The other two followed suit.
Meanwhile, Nautilus was preparing for his nuptials. "I want Pearl, Pax, Anemone, Azul, Zephyr
and Coral to come with me." He said. "Amphitrite, you and the others prepare my bride."
"As you wish, Your Majesty." she said evenly.
Ichthys and Calliope started brushing Daria's hair and braiding it with sea grass. Daria tried
to break loose. "I wouldn't do that." teased Ichthys. As soon as she broke their grasp, Daria felt
herself being suffocated by sea water. "Now be a good girl and let us fix you up for your wedding."
said the mermaid.
"Ingratful little Drylander." growled Amphitrite. "You're marrying our king. Isn't he good
enough for you?"
"Listen, Ampetheater, or whatever your name is," said Daria. "If you want Upchuck so much,
you can have him! I only agreed to this because he threatened to have some innocent people killed."
Amphitrite sneered. "I don't know what Nautilus sees in you. You are by far the homliest
Drylander I've ever seen."
"I task him." said Daria. "Like Ahab's whale, I task him. That's why he's interested."
"Who is this Ahab?" asked Calliope. "He sounds cute!"
"What's this?" asked Salina, removing Daria's jacket.
"That's mine!" said Daria.
"It's a jacket." said Pelagia. "Really, Salina, how do you expect to blend in with Drylanders
without a modicum of fashion sense? This T-shirt has to go too." Pelagia ignored Daria's protests
as she stripped her. "Amphitrite, would you please find me some scallops so I can make a halter?"
"Scallops?" scoffed Amphitrite. "Mussels are big enough for her."
"Look what I made!" said Hydrangea. She had made a diadem of pearls and attached a veil of
gossamer to it. She placed it on Daria's head. "Here you go." She stuffed a parcel in Daria's arms.
"Just what is this?"
"Why, it's a conch shell stuffed with red algae." Hydrangea replied. "Every mermaid bride
must carry one."
"OK, that's a metaphore Freud would have a field day with."
"Let's put some flower garlands on her." suggested Pelagia.
"Let's not and say we did." Daria suggested.
"Go ahead." said Amphitrite. "It will draw attention away from those barnacles that pass
for breasts. And what are those things on her face?" She snatched her glasses.
"I'm getting fucking sick and tired of people grabbing my things!" said Daria.
"By Neptune, she's as plain as a flounder even without- whatever this is." Amphitrite commented.
Meanwhile, Nautilus was being attended by the other mermaids. Other that his green Speedos,
all he wore was a few necklaces of shark's teethe, a crown of auger shells and a cape made from
an old net "How do I look, ladies?" he asked.
"Oh, so cute!" squealed Pax.
"You're so handsome, Sire." agreed Pearl.
"Don't I know it." God, I love twins! he thought. If Daria doesn't tire me out, I'll spend
some time with them tonight.
"I still think he should wear at least one flower." said Anemone, tucking one behind his ear.
"Mermen don't wear flowers, Anemone." said Azul. "They carry tridents, like this." She gave
Nautilus an iron pitchfork with three prongs.
"Begging your pardon, Your Majesty." said Zephyr. "But why do you want some homely Drylander
who doesn't appreciate your greatness?"
"Yes." said Coral. "Let the silly thing with the big eyes beach herself and take one of us."
"Ah, my dears, you don't understand Dryland women. For them, no means yes. She only resists me
so I'll try harder to win her favor. Ah, Daria, the most beautiful sound I ever heard."
They began another song. This time, to the tune of "Maria" from /West Side Story/.
Nautilus:
The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
Pearl:
Daria,
Pax:
Daria,
Nautilus:
All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word.
Anemone:
Daria,
Azul:
Daria,
Mermaids:
Daria, Daria, Daria, Daria
Da-ri-a
(They continue singing her name)
Nautilus:
Daria, I'll marry a girl named Daria
And suddenly our game
Of moth to a flame
Won't be
Daria, I'll score with a girl named Daria
We'll cut through all the bull
And together we'll rule
The sea!
Daria!
Says she hates me but I know she's playing
And she's soft, if you know what I'm saying.
Daria,
Tonight I'll be laying
Daria!
The couple was brought together in the throneroom of the castle. "My, don't you look lovely."
Nautilus complimented Daria.
"Just when I thought the copulatory symbols couldn't be more blatent." she said, taking in
the auger shells, shark's teethe and trident. She shuddered involuntarily when Nautilus took her hand.
"As king, I will officiate our wedding. I, King Nautilus VII, do take you, Daria, to be my
wife and queen forever and always." Daria choked on an urge to scream. "And do you, Daria, take
me as your husband and king, forever and always?"
Daria wanted to say "Hell no, you greasy son of a squid!" Then she thought of the vengeful
rage Nautilus would go into. He would hurt innocent people. Perhaps even the people she cared for
the most. "Well....well, I-I-I...."
"She does not!" Trent shouted, coming through a window. "Wow, I've always wanted to say
that!" Jesse stood by him. Daria was never happier to see these two.
"Mermaids, ATTACK!!!" Nautilus ordered. Trent fought them off easily.
"Not so tough without your guns, are you?" he asked. He saw Jesse having trouble. A pair of
mermaids who could've been twins seemed to be hugging him to death. "Dammit, Jesse, you can do
better than that!"
"But they're girls!"
"Oh for..." Trent pulled the twins off him and stretched a hand out to Daria. She grasped it.
"You fool!" said Nautilus. "Without contact with a merperson, she'll drown!"
Daria's lungs were already bursting from pressure. But she didn't care. This was still better
than a lifetime under the sea with Nauseous and his harem. Trent took a deep breath and held it.
He put his helmet on Daria's head and began to swim for the surface. Halfway up, Daria held her
breath and returned the helmet.
"No! I will not have this!!" screamed Nautilus. He let out a scream of pure rage. A whirlpool
begin to form around him. Jesse saw what was happening, and knew it wasn't good. He broke free from
the affectionate mermaids and swam for the surface.
"Head for the boat!" he shouted. "He's gonna blow!"
Just as they got on the boat, a vortex of water formed on the surface, towering them. Nautilus
sat on top, waving his trident. "I WILL HAVE DARIA, OR NO ONE WILL!!!" he thundered.
Jane could see the tsunami from the dock where she had been waiting. "Better go help." she
decided. "Flame on!" She flew out to where the trouble was.
"Upchuck," she said when she saw the new sea king. "When will you learn that no means no?"
"Upchuck is no more! I am King Nautilus! I suggest you leave. You know what water does to fire."
"And I know what fire can do to water!" She began to zip around the whirlpool, getting her
flames as hot as she could.
"What are you doing?" he demanded. The water under him began to boil. "Ow! Stop this at
oooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The whirlpool had vaporized,
leaving the king without his throne.
"Gun it, Danny!" yelled Jesse. Jane followed the speeding airboat to land.
"Next time!" swore Nautilus. "I'll get her next time!"
Back at Casa Lane, Jane offered to find some clothes for Daria to change into. Jesse and
Danny went home to store the helmets away. "Ya know, Daria," said Trent. "You actually look kinda
cute dressed like that."
"I do not." she contested. "I look like the bride of Swamp Thing."
"Daria, listen," he said. He sang to the tune of "Suddenly Seymoure" from /Little Shop of Horrors/.
Trent:
Lift up your head
Take off that tiara
Here, use this hairbrush
Wipe that seaweed away
Show me your face
Clear as the morning
I know things were bad
but now they're OK
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is standing beside you
You don't need no sea shells
Your own sweet self will do
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is here to provide you
Sweet understanding
Trent Lane's there for you
Daria:
Nobody ever
Treated me kindly
Daddy's a dumass
Mama's a lawyer
I knew a guy
Who was spineless and slimy
He'd snap his fingers
And I'd say "Up yours."
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is standing beside me
He don't give me orders
He don't condescend
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is here to provide me
Sweet understanding
Trent Lane's my friend
Trent:
Tell me this feeling
Will last till forever
Tell me the bad times
Are clean washed away
Daria:
Please understand that
It's still strange and frightning
For misery chicks
This is hard to say
Suddenly Trent Lane
Is here beside me
Suddenly Trent Lane
Showed me I can
Trent:
Yes you can!
Daria:
I sing the refrain
Both:
Of the girl that's inside me/you
Daria:
With sweet understanding
Trent:
With sweet understanding
Both:
With sweet understanding!
Trent Lane's my/your man.......
(They kiss and fade out)
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
"Boo-hoo. It's Valentine's Day and no one loves me."
"I don't even like tortillas."
"I kinda gathered that when you screamed out my name and nearly crushed my ribs."
"I hope nothing, like, bad happens to me."
"You come back here and date me, dammit!"
"Gregory, I want you to perform a cavity search on this man!"
(A/N) This one was a two-parter because the song parodies take up so much space. So do credits,
but here they are anyway. /Les Miserables/ belongs to Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg and
Herbert Kretzner. /Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat/ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber
and Tim Rice. /Beauty and the Beast/ and /Little Shop of Horrors/ belong to Alan Menken and Howard
Ashman. /Phantom of the Opera/ belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Charles Hart and Richard Stulgoe.
/Cats/ belongs to Mr. Webber and T.S. Eliot. /West Side Story/ belongs to Leonard Bernstein and
Stephen Soundheim.