Another dream that will never come true
Just to compliment your sorrow
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
Has crippled you completely
All the cries you're beginning to hear
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening

Remus awoke with a jerk, to realize that he'd fallen asleep with the knife held loosely in his hand, wrist exposed. Snatching his limb back under the covers, he wondered frantically if anyone could have seen. 'Re, you are a bloody idiot. No one could sneak near enough to even open the curtains without you knowing.' Of course not. It was irrational and stupid of him to start jumping at his own shadow. No one was watching him, no one was out to get him, and it would stay that way so long as he could keep his secret. Pulling the comforters off of him, he ignored the sudden vulnerable feeling and poked his head over the side of the bed to get the strips of cloth he wrapped around his wrist.

They weren't there. 'Oh fuck!' his mind screamed. This was not good. He looked up suddenly, feeling eyes on him. 'Fuck, fuck fuck FUCK!!!' Sirius Black was standing six feet away from his bed, holding the cloth he used to cover up the scars and the blood and the cuts. He needed those, needed that protection, and Sirius Black was taking it away, again. He let out a low snarl, baring his teeth unconsciously.

"Oh, did you want these? I can't see why you wear them. Why do you hide everything? Why bother? It just makes you more of a challenge. More attractive after all. So, you want them back I suppose…" Sirius drawled carelessly, but something burned behind the façade.

"Fuck you, Sirius Black!" Remus suddenly shouted. "Fuck you and your pathetic love! Is that what I am to you? A challenge!? What do you want from me? A confession!? Fine, how's this?" he thrust his uncovered arm up from where he'd been hiding it. Red, open slashes covered his wrist all the way up to where his sleeve fell over the cuts. Old scars were layered underneath fresh ones and shiny marks from where the silver handcuffs had branded him seemed glaringly obvious. Sirius looked up at him, his expression so broken that for a second Remus regretted what he'd done.

"Why?" he asked in a small voice.

"Because I don't have a choice, Black. Give me those." His voice was rougher than he had wanted it to be, and Sirius' eyes snapped onto him, haunted and empty.

"Yeah. I-- I'm going now. I'm going to… I have to go." He finished lamely, dropping the cloth and spinning around wildly towards the door, half running from Remus, who sat on the canopy bed, lost and finally alone.

"I'm so sorry Sirius. I do love you. You'd understand if you knew. You'd thank me. You'd want it this way. You can't understand." He whispered, every bit as broken as Sirius was. Damn, but they were killing each other with these games.

Your mind won't let you say that you want me
Your mind won't ever, never let you say what you want
You howl and wail like a banshee
Still your mind won't ever let you say
Your mind won't let you say that you want me
Your mind won't ever, never let you say what you want
Your mind won't even let you feel

Quivering now, shivering now, withering
Your mind won't let you say that you're
Wondering now, pondering now, hungering
Won't let you say that you're
Questioning, wavering, weakening
Your mind won't let you say that you're
Hearkening, listening, heeding me now
Won't let you say that you want

Sirius didn't know what he wanted anymore. How was it that one person could ruin everything with a couple of words? It wasn't fair. How could Remus presume to know what was best for the both of them, without even letting him know why? He had just wanted the truth, and he had gotten far more than he had bargained for.

Those cuts…

He shuddered, trying to dislodge the ache in his heart. What would make Remus do something like that? Why? It had seemed like such a harmless thing to do; picking up those blasted strips of cloth Remus always wore on his wrists, but like usual where Remus was concerned, it had had deadly repercussions. He had only meant to irritate Remus into speaking with him, but he'd ended up opening a Pandora's Box of emotions and pain. He couldn't go to Jamie this time. This time he had no choice; Dumbledore was the only way.

Peter had been watching the whole drama of the past month unfold with a fascination and delight that would have been better suited to unwrapping a present. He knew that Sirius was in love with Remus, and that Remus was in love with Sirius too, though in a different way. He knew that Sirius and James had been planning ways to figure out Remus' secret. He knew about James' and Lily's growing relationship, and he knew about Severus and Lucius' twisted one. He felt he was close to being able to put the pieces together, but there was still something missing; one part of the puzzle he had yet to realize even existed. He had seen the cuts on Remus' arm, and the bruises on Severus' face. Both brands of ownership somehow. He had been shocked to find out that Remus had at one point considered Snape his friend, until the accident he had witnessed several months ago. He knew too that Remus was driving his friends away, locking himself deeper and deeper. He had seen the way Remus forced emotions away, ignoring his own feelings. What he didn't know was why. Why hide from everyone? Why the secrecy, the lies, the angry confrontations all the time? What was really going on beneath this volcano of twisted emotions and fears? Because while Peter was perfectly melded for watching, and observing, he had very little experience in matters of the heart. He didn't understand the reasoning behind the events he witnessed, because he lacked the emotions to realize other people's feelings. In this particular case, it was driving him insane. He felt like everyone could see an aspect of the game that was hidden to him, and he was determined to figure out the missing piece before anyone else could.

Dumbledore sat at his large oaken desk, fingers steepled in thought. Sirius was fidgeting in a chair in front of the desk, hands twisting helplessly around each other, tangling in his hair occasionally. He felt like he was finally getting somewhere, but the very thought was making him increasingly nervous. Given what he'd already unveiled, he wasn't sure if it would be sane to suggest they uncover the rest. But he wasn't about to give up either. "Headmaster?" he asked hopefully.

"Sirius, this matter is beyond your understanding. Remus is right to keep it to himself. Perhaps you would do him a favour by just leaving him be like he asks."

"No! I can't! I won't! He needs me." Sirius looked down briefly, then looked back up, straight into Dumbledore's eyes. "I need him."

Dumbledore sighed. "Sirius, there is nothing I can do about it. It is not my secret to give away. If Remus doesn't trust you, then it is not my place to go revealing his secrets to you either." The Headmaster said it kindly, but Sirius jumped up, outraged.

"I love him! I love him more than life itself. Nothing could make me change that. I'll never go back on that! If he doesn't trust me, it's because he's a bloody idiot! I want to help him! I want him to be able to love me back, and I want to know what's keeping him from it!"

"He may never be able to love you back, Sirius. Would you understand, if that was the case? Would you be forgiving enough to trust him when he says "no"? Could you do that? You can't do it now. I'm sorry Sirius, but I can't."

"I won't let him suffer on his own any more! Have you seen the cuts? Have you!? I don't want him to have to do that anymore! I love him! I want him to know it, and not have to be afraid of it. It's not fair that he is in so much pain, that he feels like he has to push me away to stay safe. He shouldn't have to go through whatever it is he's going through on his own, and I want to be there for him. It's not fair."

"Life seldom is, Mr. Black. I suggest you get back to your homework."

Sirius let out a choked sound, somewhere between a sob and a protest, but turned to leave, his head bowed in defeat. Dumbledore couldn't help but notice that the emotion didn't suit Sirius' nature at all. "Don't do anything rash, Sirius." were Dumbledore's parting words before the door closed behind the boy. The Headmaster couldn't be sure if Sirius had even heard them.

Sirius ran all the way to the Slytherin dungeons. He was a little shocked when he looked up and saw the tapestry that covered the entrance to Slytherin common rooms.

For once he wanted nothing more than to turn around and be a coward, but seeing this place was just one more reminder that he wasn't where he was supposed to be; with Remus, and he couldn't help the person he loved. He was still angry over the bruises that had been all over Remus body when he'd come back from a late night trip to the library a couple months ago. Somebody still had to pay for hurting Remus. And he knew without a doubt that he'd find that somebody in Slytherin. He wished he had James' invisibility cloak. Then he wouldn't have had a problem sneaking into Slytherin, finding Lucius or Snape, and beating the crap out of them. But since he didn't have it, he'd just wait here until a convenient outlet for his anger came along. Like… Lucius… and Zabini… and Rosier… Knott… Snape… Well, well, well. Wasn't this just his lucky day?

Snape spotted him first, and he tugged at Lucius sleeve, recoiling automatically from Lucius when the older boy turned to him.

"Hey, Lucius, I think you owe me a little bit of your blood." Sirius smirked. It was a look that frequently drove Lucius to distraction.

"Oh, look, it's Black. Rosier, Zabini, sic him." Lucius waved his hand unconcernedly in Sirius' direction and started to turn towards the door.

"I don't think so, Lucius. This is between you and me. Don't even think about sending your little sycophants after me. I want to fight you, Lucius."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I fucking said so." Sirius snarled.

"Yes…" Lucius said, as though that explained nothing.

Exasperated, Sirius threw his hands in the air and yelled, "Because you fucking hurt Remus, and no one gets away with that!"

"I should have known you'd leap at the chance to defend your precious little faggot boyfriend. The little Mudblood was in my territory. I had every right to beat him up. And then the nerve of the little whore…" Lucius chuckled nastily. "He wanted me to let him go. Kept screaming at me to get my hands off him. Like he had a right to refuse me or something." He looked Sirius straight in the face, smiling nastily.

"I'll fucking kill you!" screamed Sirius, leaping on Lucius. No one touched his Remus. No one. Especially not some Slytherin prince who acted like he owned the school, and called everyone who couldn't trace their lineage back seven generations a Mudblood.

Lucius laughed, shaking off the first wild punch as though it had never occurred to him to worry about it finding it's mark on his face. When his lackeys moved in to help him, he smiled, self-satisfied enough to irritate Sirius beyond belief, and told them to go wait for him in the common room. Sirius barely had time to notice that Snape hadn't moved from his post, when Lucius' fist slammed into his face, and he had no more time to think.

"What's the matter Black, are you sad that your little lover will sleep with everyone in the castle but you?"

"Don't you dare say that about Remus!"

"Hit a nerve, did I?"

"Die!" Sirius flung himself furiously at Lucius, landing two good punches before he found himself being backed against a wall by Lucius, who amazingly could fight better than he had counted on, even though the older boy made it a point to never do the fighting himself.

"Maybe some other day, Black" drawled Lucius, his smug voice more than guaranteed to set Sirius off anew.

"Why can't you just leave him alone?!" screamed Sirius, who'd had more than he could take. He was so frustrated and every word that came out of Lucius' mouth was making it worse. "How can any of you judge us, when you're the ones who should be judged? Remus doesn't have anything to do with you and me, so why involve him?"

"How… noble of you to think that, Black. Spoken like a true Gryffindor. But I disagree. He has everything to do with you and me. He's the easiest, most painful way to get at you. If I hurt him, you suffer, which is what matters to me. It's almost sweet, isn't it? I could care less about your whore; he's never done anything to piss me off. But you… you've angered me on countless occasions. If it weren't for you, he'd never get hurt. Think about it, Black. Come on Severus, I have a date with Narcissa." He smiled one last self satisfied smile at Sirius and strode through the open common room door with Snape in tow.

"No." Sirius whispered. This wasn't fair. It wasn't. Why did this keep happening to him? Why was he always causing the people he loved pain? It was his fault that Remus kept getting hurt, and it was his fault that he'd never noticed. He should have known better than to think like a Gryffindor when he tried to fight Lucius. For the first time Sirius began to comprehend the way Lucius' mind worked, and it was not an amusing image.

"Are you okay? You look like you got into a fight…" James asked uncertainly. His uncertainty was entirely due to the fact that Sirius' eyes were dull and he looked unusually lost. James wondered if he had a concussion or if he was just in shock. "Look at me Sirius."

Slowly Sirius' eyes focused on James, before flickering slightly to the side, unable to hold his best friend's gaze.

"Who did you get into a fight with? Was it Lucius?" When no answers were forthcoming, James sighed and asked wearily, "It was about him, right? Remus?"

"Jamie…"

"Look, I told you, you don't have to hide things from me. I can take it. Or do you just not trust me? I've been your best friend since we were four."

"I just get so mad when anyone touches him, insanely jealous, and far too protective. It isn't healthy. And then there's this whole secret thing, and that just hurts, and he needs me. I don't begrudge you Lily, do I?"

"Is that what you think, Sirius? Merlin, you think I begrudge you Remus?! I'm glad you found someone, I'm just a little pissed that he was your friend, my friend, this whole time, and now he's hurting you, and he's doing it on purpose, and I don't think he's the right thing for you. But how do I have any say? I'm not you, and I'm sure as hell not Remus."

"Jamie…"

"I'm just having a hard time watching all this. It doesn't feel right."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be involving you, it's just making you feel useless. But imagine how I must feel. I'm this close to doing something we'll all regret. Like killing Lucius, or following Remus when he leaves next month. I'm starting to get an idea of what's going on, and I don't like it at all. And then Lucius has to rile things up even further. He said he, god, he's one twisted bastard. And he's the only one who would get away with anything like that right under Dumbledore's nose. He's also, of course, the only student who Dumbledore can't really stop. He said that Remus screamed for him to stop, and he didn't. He said that Remus begged him to stop touching him, to get his hands off, and he didn't. I'm really scared, and angry, and most of all, I hurt for Remus. I can't believe Lucius… I just don't believe that something like that could happen to my Remus…"

"But he's not." Jamie interrupted him coolly.

"Not what?" Sirius looked up at his friend with confusion in his eyes.

"Yours. He's not yours. He won't be either, if you don't learn to stop assuming. You don't know for sure that anything happened. Lucius is a huge bastard, but even for him, that is a little far. It's hard to believe that he would think he could get away with anything like that. This is Hogwarts after all."

"I know, but he said… he said he'd do anything to get to me, anything at all, no matter what the cost."

"Well then, I guess you should be flattered, Sirius. You've made Lucius Malfoy's 'most wanted' list. I wish to hell you'd stop making such powerful enemies. His family-"

"I know all about his family, and everything I've heard makes me believe he'd do something like that to get at me, whatever the cost."

"Don't assume until you know. That's dangerous when it comes to Remus. And it's even worse when you confront him about this kind of stuff. Just wait a little. Be patient for once in your life. Don't blow it… again. You're most likely worried over something that Lucius made up to piss you off and further distance you and Remus. Don't think everyone hasn't noticed the fact that you two are hardly speaking. For a group as notorious as ours, we've certainly lost enough members. Speaking of which, have you seen Peter lately? He hasn't been around in a while. I wanted to talk to him about Remus yesterday, and he wasn't here."

"I haven't seen him in a while either. I was starting to get kind of worried. Peter seems to be drifting too. What's happening to us, Jamie? I feel so alone, so young, and still too old to go back and start over. It hurts, all the time. Having to deal with this is just making the isolation that much harder to take. I never realized it, but I'm completely dependant on you. And Remus, and Peter. I miss just being together and having fun."

James smiled. It was unusual and sort of disturbing to see Sirius so subdued all the time. Lately the more sombre version of Sirius had been making too many appearances for his comfort. He liked his carefree friend from before Remus' betrayal much more. He suddenly felt the need to talk to Lily. She soothed him beyond words, and she was practical, with a gentle side that tempered her painful honesty. Her compassion was always reassuring and genuine, and lately he had needed an awful lot of reassurances.

"Sirius, I'm really not sure what all this is about, and I know how you feel about Remus, because I love Lily, and I know I'd go through hell if she was doing this to me. I just hope it all works out soon. I have a date tonight that I have to go to soon, but I'll be back before midnight. We can talk then if you still need to."

"Course, Jamie. No problem. See you later then." Sirius winked at him half-heartedly, handing James his invisibility cloak from beneath the bed without needing to be asked.

"Don't corner Remus, please. I'd like to come back to something more than strewn body parts tonight. Have a nice dinner, and if you skip it again, I swear to god that I'll force food down your throat till you gag. So there."

"Yeah yeah… have fun."

"I plan to." James' wink was much more genuine, and Sirius couldn't help but smile back.

It was nice to know that no matter what, he could still count on James.