"Hey, haven't seen you for a while, Remus." said Sirius, keeping his voice as neutral as possible.

"That's because I've been avoiding you." Remus replied steadily, before turning back to his homework.

"I know, but I thought… never mind… it's not important anyways. What assignment are you working on?"

"My Potions homework. And I have loads more to get done, so I suggest you stop bothering me, before I have to go back to the library where it's at least quiet and I can get something done without you nosing in every time I want to take a piss."

"Okay. I guess I'll just sit here then. But I was wondering if you needed any help finishing anything. I know homework here can be overwhelming, and I don't take as many classes as you. Jamie let me copy most of his work this week, so I don't have any left. That Potions essay is really pretty simple when Jamie explains it. He said it was all about the way the particles break down, and how certain chemicals and substances can make that happen. Once you understand that part, the rest is pretty much filling up space by repeating yourself."

"If I needed your help, Black, I would have asked for it. But thanks for the input. Too bad I had already figured that part out and was working on, as you put it, "filling up space by repeating myself". Next time I need your help, I'll be sure to ask for it. And don't you think that it's a tiny bit pathetic that you're taking advice on your Potions homework from the one flunking the class?"

"It's not because he doesn't understand it, it's because he can't make potions worth crap, and he doesn't follow precise directions very well. You know that." Sirius defended James without even thinking about it.
"Are you finished? I have seven more inches to go on my History essay, and the whole Transfiguration assignment left."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Sure."

"Why are you being so cold? Just tell me. If you just tell me why, I'll stop bothering you. I'll stop butting in where you want privacy, and I'll leave you alone when you tell me to. But how can you expect me to just walk away from the only person I care about so much? You mean more to me than Jamie. And now I don't know what to think. Except that it hurts, and I just want the truth. Maybe if I understand why, it won't hurt so much."

"Black. Stop, just don't do this, because you already know more than you want to know. If you think I'm intriguing, you're in for a surprise, and not a pleasant one. If you think I'm a challenge, then I'm one you don't want to win."

"And if I think that I love you, what then?"

Remus blinked at him, caught for a moment, before growling out steadily, "Then you're wrong. Because you can't. Believe me. And you're in for more pain than you can imagine. You'd thank me for disillusioning you. It's almost never better to learn the truth, believe me."

"Like your arms, and all those scars?" asked Sirius as gently as he could, eyes sad and pleading.

"Stop pitying me for something you can't understand, and stop judging me for something you haven't even realized you know. Just stop trying to be my friend. Stop trying fall in love with the wrong things!" Remus nearly spat at Sirius. He didn't want to be saying all these things, but they just kept spilling out of his mouth, against his will.

"I'm not in love with the wrong things. It's just you, Remus, that's all I'm in love with. I'm in love with everything, and I wish you didn't hurt yourself like that, but it doesn't mean I love you any less for it. Just trust me. Please. I won't betray you, ever. I couldn't. Believe me, if it's the only thing you can do."

"I wish it were that simple, Sirius. But unfortunately, things aren't always as black and white as you see them. There's almost always something in the way. Some secrets just weren't meant to be shared, with anyone. You're making things worse for me by staying attached. You're just hurting me more. If you loved me, you wouldn't do this."

"Anyone who loved you would do everything they could to make sure you trusted them. That's all I need from you. I don't need you to love me back; I just want a little trust. I want to know what's wrong."

"And if I told you what was "wrong" as you put it, would you go away then? Would you leave me in peace, or would you still be here, bugging me to "get help" and "talk about it"? I'm not the kind of person who needs help, Sirius. I always do things on my own, and they always get done. I never needed friends, and I made a stupid mistake thinking that I did."

"What do you mean by mistake? Do you mean me and Peter and Jamie, or do you mean before you came here?" the question was calculated to go places Remus was afraid of. But Sirius didn't care anymore. He couldn't take this waiting. He wasn't a patient person by nature, and slowly dying inside while he watched Remus' masochism tear him apart was driving him insane.

"It's none of your damn business Black. You think this is easy for me?! Do you think I feel things less than you do? Isn't my pain evidence that at the very least, I know suffering?"

Sirius felt a sharp stab of guilt at Remus' accusation. It was true; he'd been thinking more of himself than of Remus this time. "Remus… please…"

"Please what, Black? What do you want? Tell me one more time, so I can find one more creative way to lie, to put you off, to ignore you, to hurt you. But by all means, say it one more time." The angry hiss behind Remus words stung like poison in a wound, but Sirius resolutely ignored it.

"Just tell me the truth. You know I'll find out. You know I can. You know you're afraid of me doing it my way. Why not just tell me now? It would make everything so much easier."

"You think I don't realize all that? You think I haven't weighed it all out? I'm in constant agony, and you think I never wanted someone to trust, you think I never tried to trust someone? Look Black, I've had enough painful betrayals to last a lifetime, and I'm just tired and cynical enough that nothing really matters anymore but staying alive, and keeping my secrets safe is the only way I know how. That's all that's left to me. I know you aren't about to give up now, not when you know I'm hiding something from you, and your stupid egotistic pride won't let it go, but at least I warned you. At least you can rest as much blame as possible on yourself when you do find out. Don't ever say I didn't do my lame, pathetic, hateful best. I always wanted what was best for you."

"I… I think I'm going to be sick. I feel sick… Remus…"

"Just leave. Find out my secret if you have to, but leave. And don't say I didn't try."

Sirius stumbled a little, backing out of the dorm. When he got out into the common room, he fled, ignoring the curious looks that followed him. Clutching his stomach he toppled against a cool wall in the corridor, laying his forehead against the stone, willing the solid barrier to halt the dizzy way his world was swimming in and out of focus. He tried to figure out why his stomach hurt so badly, and when he tried to remember what he'd eaten recently, he realized that he hadn't touched food for almost four days. He had almost grown accustomed to the dizziness that had halted him in his steps, when he started to gag, heaving dryly, choking back sobs as he did so. The pain in his gut was intensified by the fact he'd just had another dead-end, agonizing argument with his Remus. No, wrong, not his Remus. Lucius' Remus. Not his at all. He'd been unable, or unwilling to protect the person he loved, and Remus wouldn't forgive him for it. Suddenly a lot of things seemed clearer to Sirius. He managed to stand, cautiously, clinging to the stone for support, the pads of his fingers scraping painfully on the rough stone as he scrabbled for a better hold.

He needed to get to the hospital wing, but the prospect of stairs was making him too nauseous to even cling to the wall. Sinking down in as controlled a manner as he could, he tried not to move his head too sharply when it smacked into the wall, tiny jagged pieces of stone digging into his scalp and making his eyes tear up. Resigning himself, he lay there, and hoped desperately that it wasn't James or Lily that found him here. Neither of them would forgive him for doing something so stupid and completely lovesick. Who forgot to eat, just because they were worried? Choking, Sirius started to laugh a little, but the action proved too much for him, and he passed out, unresisting head falling against the floor with a sharp crack.

Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
Cuz this is what you're getting.
I hope you're choking. I hope you choke on this.

I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful

It's calling me...

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me

Remus felt terrible; his whole mind was in turmoil. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. Was his secret worth all this? Truly, would Sirius want it this way? Would he thank him now? He didn't honestly think so anymore, but Remus had clung too long and too fiercely to this secrecy to let it go now. Everything was falling apart, just like he knew it would have to eventually. All good things ended, right? And this wasn't so bad, was it? It would all be over soon enough, and maybe then it would finally be okay to let the wolf drag him down all the way, rending his mind into tiny pieces with it's perfect razor-sharp claws, until he was left with nothingness; with peace. He imagined that void all the time; courted it constantly. He practically flirted with death every time he was forced back to the razor-blade. Yet the thought didn't frighten him, oddly enough, it comforted him.

This game he was playing with Sirius' mind was twisted, he had to admit, but it satisfied both the wolf and his own angry helplessness. He did love Sirius, but he wasn't willing to let the wolf think he did. The wolf demanded things from him he wasn't even willing to think about doing to Sirius. Sirius was innocent; Remus was not. Remus was pain and death and fear and agony that felt far sweeter than it should. Sirius was perfection, and he was everything the wolf wanted to destroy. Which was why Remus was determined to deny himself the only thing that could make everything right. The wolf ruined things. Especially pretty things, like Sirius. Somehow, through it all, Sirius had still managed to take first place in his mind, and to give in now would be worse than suicide. Bitterly he slipped down into the comforter, wondering how the softness of his bed could still feel so wonderful when everything else was wrong.

Peter saw Sirius running out of the common room, and he felt obligated to follow. It was not only his duty to a friend, but his duty to his curiosity. He found it amusing that Remus could drive confident, self-reliant, arrogant Sirius Black to these lengths. It amused him, and it frustrated him. He didn't understand any of this anymore; somewhere along the road everything had gotten too tangled up in emotions and humanity for his calculating mind. But he still couldn't give up. It was time, Peter decided, to give them all a nudge in the right direction. Turning around, he abandoned following Sirius and went back to his table in the common room, mentally going over every minute detail of his plan. If anyone would have bothered to look in Peter's direction the rest of that day, they would have been unable to miss the glee radiating from his weak little eyes.

When Sirius woke up, he was in a hospital bed in the infirmary and he had a splitting headache. He wanted to die. The first thing he remembered was the argument with Remus. The second was the fact that he'd been starving himself for days and had passed out in the hallway leading from Gryffindor tower. After all that information had finished flashing in his head, he started to panic. What if Lily or James had found him? What if Remus had found him? What if they hadn't found him, but had found out from whoever had happened to trip over him? Would they kill him? Or would they all come pouring into the room right now, when he felt like total shit and start screaming at him? With a groan, Sirius flopped back into the bed, wishing he could go back to being unconscious. Things were oh so much simpler when you were comatose. He knew he needed to resolve things now, before someone got hurt. He wanted so much to go back to before he had confessed his feelings to Remus. He wanted to take every stupid thing back and start again with this whole nightmare behind him. He was so drained; mentally and physically exhausted. He just wanted his storybook ending. Okay, so perhaps being in love with your best friend, who happened to be the same gender, wasn't exactly storybook material, but a happy ending would have been nice anyways.

Madam Pomfrey appeared at his bedside the moment he moved and started checking him over. She wouldn't look him in the eye through the whole thing, until finally, unable to take it anymore, he asked quietly, "What happened?"

"I should think that would be quite obvious, Mr. Black. You did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen, putting not only your own health at stake, but other peoples' as well. Your friends are worried sick, especially Mr. Lupin. They want to speak with you, and I have half a mind to let them in here to yell at you themselves. I don't care how desperate you are, gaining attention is not important enough to starve yourself for. I wish you teenagers thought before you did things once in a while." She shook her head, frowning severely. "I promised Mr. Lupin he could see you. I think he deserves that much."

Sirius groaned quietly, sinking back into the pillows as through they could protect him from the coming battle. "I, I think that's a bad idea."

"Well, you certainly know bad ideas, but I have a soft spot for Remus. He deserves his say. And you need to listen. He knows more than he lets on. Just listen to someone who knows better for once."

With that she left him there while she went to fetch Remus from the waiting room of the infirmary.

She returned shortly with a pale figure by her side; Remus J. Lupin, looking more pissed than he'd ever seen Remus look before. For the first time in ages, Sirius looked, truly stepped back and took in Remus' appearance. The other boy was haggard and thin, too thin to be healthy, and yet he was the one getting reprimanded… Remus' face was like a storm cloud, barely contained anger radiating outward in pulses with each breath. Sirius flinched slightly. The overly large robe made Remus look waifish and ethereal, like he would just fade entirely if you looked too closely at him. It made Sirius want to protect him, and yet for once he realized how wrong that emotion was. Remus didn't need his protection, at least not in the way Sirius had been trying to give it. He needed Sirius' patience, and respect, and even possibly his love. But he didn't need to be protected. He simply needed to be needed.

He realized all this in the heartbeats before Remus spoke, his soft voice carrying his message with perfect clarity. "You idiot. You stupid, selfish bastard. I know you think you're justified, but damn it, Sirius Black, I thought you cared about something, me maybe, more than this. I can't believe you think you can do this to Jamie, to Lily, and Peter. And yes, to me. Jamie thinks he's done something wrong. He thinks he made this happen. What can I say? None of us are without our contributions to this mess. But of all of us, you deserve credit for causing the most misery and suffering. You think this is a game? I've tried everything I can think of to make you see how wrong you are, how much you're in over your head. I'm sorry I did what I did this morning, but I think it would be better for all involved of we didn't associate anymore. I can't afford this distraction; you can't afford to share my twisted world. I won't subject anyone else to this horror. I won't let you throw away your soul without even knowing what it is you're giving it up for. Trust me, Sirius." He flashed a determined look directly at Sirius, temper flaring solar-hot with each sharply spoken word.

"No! You trust me, Remus. I love you. That means there are no conditions. I will love you even if you think you don't deserve it. I can't help it, and you can't ask me to. I would give up anything to see you happy. Not simply safe, but happy. I don't care if that means hell right now. You deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be trusted. I will find out, Remus, and when I do, I promise you, I won't run away. That doesn't imply I won't care, and I might not like what I find, but that doesn't mean I'll love you any less. Somewhere you have to learn to trust someone, or you'll never be able to love anyone back. I want to be the one you learn to trust, because I also want to be the one you learn to love."

Remus let out a low sob. His voice came out somewhere between a hiss and a growl. "You don't know what it means. God, Sirius, you don't know what love means. I don't want love, ever again. Please just let me be. You're hurting us all. Don't you think I wouldn't take your love in a second if I thought it wouldn't destroy us both? I love you. I love you too goddamn much for my own good, for your good. So I'm giving you up. I wish I could explain. I want you to care about me. I want to belong to someone, belong with someone, but it's not my place. Please—"

"No. No, Remus. I'm not going to give up. Jamie said some stuff… about you… and I don't know how much of it was speculation, and how much of it was fact, but I'd never hurt you. You can tell me anything. Anything except nothing. Tell me…"

"Sirius…"

"Fine. Go think about it on your own. Go agonize over it and decide to keep it from me one more time. But I'll find out everything. I won't give up. Goodbye Remus. I'll be seeing you."

Remus stared at him, then as the dismissal sank in, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the room. Sirius watched him go, but he didn't call him back.

"Please, please make the right choice Remus, or I might just go insane." He whispered to himself as the quiet rushed back into the hospital room, swallowing up his words before they could reach their intended target.

Sirius looked up, feeling eyes on his body, and met Peter's solemn face. "Hey Pete. How long have you been standing there?" Translation: How much have you heard?

"The whole time. You two are more obvious about your issues than Severus and Lucius. You really should learn to be more discreet."

Sirius' eyes narrowed dangerously. "What exactly are you trying to tell me?"

"Just that you should be more careful in the future. Some people might want to take advantage of the fact that you're interested in Remus."

"And I'd tell them to fuck themselves with a rusty spork." said Sirius easily, unconcerned by Peter's warning.

"Hmm. That would go over well, I'm sure. Anyways, I wanted to show you something later on tonight, when you get out of the infirmary. I think it might interest you especially. Meet me at the Whomping Willow before sunset if you're interested."

Sirius stared after the second retreating figure that afternoon and wondered what in Merlin's name Peter had in mind.