Fanfiction Four XI: Out of Mind
The Watcher will begin by saying this is an account of how Phantom and Flamin' Jane swapped bodies with two miscreants. I will avoid confussion by referring to them by the names their minds are attatched to.
The tale begins in a New York cultural museum. A lithe figure slid down a rope from the
skylight to pilfer an ornate ceremonial mask made of ebony and ivory. A couple of tugs on the
rope, and the mask was stolen. "Good work, Dallas." said the accomplice.
"That was nothing, Sugar," she said, tugging away her ski mask to reveal long blonde hair.
"Now alls we gotta do is geet this to that QB feller, and collect our hunerd thou."
"Why settle for a few thou, Muddy. Another collector could pay even more."
"How 'bout settling for jail time?" said an interloper.
"Damn! Spider-Man!" said Dallas. Muddy fired on him. Spider-Man deftly lept out of the way.
"Missed me! Missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!" Spider-Man taunted. He tumbled away from another shot. "Enough of this crap!" Spidy shot a web at Muddy. Dallas grabbed the mask and ran. "Not so fast, Blondie!" He persued her across the rooftop, knowing Muddy wasn't going anywhere for at least an hour. When he chased her to the edge, Spidy was sure he had his woman.
"One more step and this priceless artifact is desroyed!" Dallas sneered. Spidy just shrugged and hurled a line of webbing at the mask. One moment of inattention was all it took. Dallas whipped out a pistol and shot Spidy in the shoulder. The mask was knocked from Dallas's hand rather than retrieved. "Look what you made me do!" she said to the wounded superhero. She went for the fire escape.
"Dallas!" cried Muddy. "Come help me!"
"Sorry, shug, you're just dead weight. Girl's gotta look out for herself."
"Goddam bitch!"
"You can say that again." winced Spidy. It was only a flesh wound, but it hurt. And he still had to take the male robber in. He tossed Muddy over his good shoulder, shot out a rope of webbing, and swung away, wondering how he was going to explain another wound to Aunt May.
Meanwhile, on the street below, Mr. VanDriessen led his students back to the hotel. "OK,
what did everyone think of the musical, /Les Miserables/?"
"So touching." said Cassandra. "The pathos, the self sacrifice, the redemption, the introspection."
"It sucked!" Two idiots started laughing. Mr. VanDriessen sighed.
"Beavis, Butt-Head, you're already on my list for stowing away on the spring break trip
while everyone else paid good money. The least you could do is try to take something from this
trip, m'kay?"
"So- where are the hookers?" asked Butt-Head.
"Let's go boys." The two boys lagged behind. Beavis began to sing.
"Master of the house! Quick to catch yer eye! Never wants a passerby to pass him by!"
"Huh-huh, you said 'master'." laughed Butt-Head.
"That was, like, the only cool song in the whole show!"
"Huh-huh, hole. Hey Beavis, let's go dumpster diving."
"Cool!"
They went down into the alley and sifted through bottles, cans and used copies of /The Village Voice/. "Dammit!" said Butt-Head. "New York trash sucks."
"Hey, Butt-Head, check this out!" He held up a white half of a mask.
"It looks like the thing that dude in the mucus-cal VanDriessen dragged us to last night."
"Huh-huh, yeah. That sucked too."
"That Christine chick was pretty hot, though. I 'think of her' -every time I touch myself."
"Mucus-cals suck." said Beavis. "Hey, didn't VanDriessen say we were supposed to take something?"
"Oh yeah, huhuh. Let's take the mask. That would be cool."
They left. Dallas soon came to check the alley. To her chagrin, only the black half of the mask could be found. Whoever took the other half was high on her shitlist.
The next day, Daria and Jane were walking to the Gas&Gulp. "I can't believe spring break is over so soon." said Jane. "We had fun, though. Going to the guys' shows, visiting the kids at
Cedars, even capturing Wart Girl after she broke out of the nut-house was kinda fun."
"If you say so." sighed Daria.
"You're looking glummer than usual."
"I'm having trouble with Trent. I love him, I love being held and kissed by him, but every time his hands start roaming, it feels- creepy."
"This is Trent, right? Not Upchuck or Nauseous or whoever he is now."
"The problem started on Valentine's Day. I remembered he stopped me halfway through my second glass of Merlot. He said he didn't want me to get wasted. Then he kissed me- I mean, really kissed me." Daria paused, remembering how good the kiss was. "I tried to relax and just get carried away, but I couldn't. He started to slide his hand under my skirt and-I just freaked out."
"Daria, were you-you know-molested or anything?"
"What? Jane, my parents are assholes, not monsters!"
"I'm not saying they did anything..."
"Well, they didn't and I wasn't. Here's the problem. I've seen his ex-girlfriend, Monique. She's hot. She could be a model or a movie star if she wanted. To top it off, she kinda looks like Joan Jett, his dream babe. After someone like that, why would he want someone who was dicked over by the puberty fairy? Why go for bologna when you can get steak?"
"You ever see Joan Jett's 'Do Ya Wanna Touch Me?' video, Daria? In the video, Joan wears a bikini and hangs around this beefy muscle-man. The muscle-man's tits were bigger than hers. Some guys like small breasts. Jesse says mine are kinda cute."
"Mine aren't cute or perky or whatever euphamism people use for undersized. They look like a couple of deflated balloons. I'm scrawny with no hips, knobbly knees and a face that would stop a clock. If Trent saw what I really looked like, he wouldn't want me anymore. On the other hand, I risk losing him if I don't let him get past first base."
"Reality check, Daria. It's been a month or so since Valentine's and you're still together, right?"
"I'm not sure anymore. Last night he took me to that new drive-in theater. I should've known better. Who goes to a drive-in to watch a movie? He had his arm around me, then suddenly he had his hands all over me-literally. I think he used his stretch power. I got mad and scared and
confused all at once. I kicked him off me, got out of the car and ran out to the woods. He followed me, calling me. I didn't want to deal with him-so-I went invisible. I think he knew that's what I did, so he got disgusted with looking for me and went back to the car. I took a cab home."
"Daria, maybe he just wanted to appologize. He probably didn't want you to go off by yourself at night into the woods. I've heard stories about that area."
"He stopped in the middle of a clearing and said if I could hear him, he was sorry and was going to wait an hour for me in the car if I wanted a ride home. I just couldn't face him."
"Daria, avoiding him won't get you anywhere. You have to remember, it's not your body Trent's in love with. He loves you and wants to show it. Actually, I wish I had your problem. Lately, it seems like I practically have to rape Jesse to get him to do anything. He says nothing real bad happened to him in prison, especially after he cleaned Foy's clock. He probably has that negative association thing."
"Wanna trade boyfriends?"
"Sorry, I've got a strict no incest policy. C'mon, I'll buy you a Slurpo."
"By the way, Mom had 'The Talk' with me after the trial."
"Poor you."
"She put her hands on my shoulders so I couldn't turn invisible and walk away like I usually do."
"That's- partially my fault, I guess. You like cherry, apple or cola?"
Earlier that morning, Dallas woke up in her car, exhausted from driving all night. She knew she had crossed the Massachusets state line. She knew all she had was her car, her pistol, and the ebony half of the mask. Would the Kingpin pay for it? She knew QB Doom specified that the mask be brough to him in one piece. She checked the gun. One bullet left. That's all she needed to get some quick cash. Dallas put the mask and her gun in her knapsack and left her car in the parking lot she had spent the night in. She walked to the Gas&Gulp thinking "What a revolting development. I haven't knocked over a gas station since I was a kid."
Dallas pushed Jane and Daria aside, drew her gun and demanded all the money in the till.
"Boy, have you picked a bad time to hold up a store." said Jane. "Flame on!" She melted the gun
in Dallas's hand with a small fire ball.
"Why you goddammed bi-!" Daria cut Dallas off with a chop to the back of the neck.
"I'll call the police." said the man behind the counter.
Jane went through the unconscous woman's knapsack. "Wonder what this is?" she said of the
broken black mask.
"Looks like junk to me." said Daria.
"I'll use it in a found art sculpture. It can symbolize how we hide half of our psyche from the outside world- or something."
Jesse and Trent were practicing in Trent's basement. Jesse's hair had grown to ear length
in the past month. He had taken to wearing it in a pony-tail."Something wrong, Trent?" Jesse asked when Trent stopped halfway through "Ice-box Woman".
"I really fucked things up with Daria last night."
"What happened?"
"I-you know-thought with the wrong head."
"Hormone attack, huh? You didn't hurt her or anything?"
"Nah. I could never do that."
"Did you say you were sorry?"
"She wouldn't listen. She threw me off her and ran off. She went invisible so I couldn't
even find her. She probably hates me now." He sat on an old beanbag chair in abject misery.
"Trent, all I can say is you gotta talk to her. I know how /not/ to appologize. Believe me, I've heard enough from my dad. First off, don't try to lay any of the blame on her. Second, don't make excuses. Third, promise never to do it again and mean it."
"Thanks Jess. I'll do that next time I see her. I wish she'd loosen up a little, though. I want us both to enjoy being together."
"I wish I had your problem. Janey's always all over me. Even in public, it's kind of embarrassing. She gets upset when I don't get physical with her. I keep telling her it's not her, it's me." Jesse sighed "Wanna trade girlfriends?"
"Nah, I got a strict no incest rule."
Jane was up in her room working on her found art sculpture. Her glue gun had long since gone into retirement as Jane figured how to melt the glue sticks properly with her own hands. "I've got another problem, Jane." said Daria, sitting on the bed. "Puberty really did screw me over. If I keep rejecting Trent, it probably means I don't have the right hormones. I didn't even get my period until I was almost sixteen."
"Sixteen? I was twelve going on thirteen."
"Plus, it's always been irregular. Sometimes skipping a month. There's a good chance I can't have kids. It never bothered me 'cuz I don't like kids all that much anyway. But, you know how some guys can be about preserving their bloodlines."
"I don't think Trent's worried about that. The Lane bloodline isn't dying off anytime soon. Our sister Summer has two kids-somewhere. Our brother Wind is on the run from three or four paternity suits. Plus, Jesse and me have been talking...."
"About having a baby? Are you crazy?"
"Not right now. He told me last night that I've made him happier than he's ever been, and
he wants to spend his life with me."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. He told me I didn't have to answer right away. He also thinks it would be a good idea for me to finish school first. He'll understand if I want to go to college first."
"Have you been thinking about it?"
"Yeah. Jesse's the sweetest guy I've ever met. For some reason, I usually find myself in
relationships with dominating, manipulative jerks. Jesse's different. I'm not sure I want to be
with someone who will just want to watch MTV on our honeymoon, though. I guess I wouldn't mind
having kids. He says he loves kids, but isn't sure if he wants to take a dip in his gene pool."
"Considering that if you two had a child, it would probably be a mutant too."
"He's not worried about that. A kid who can bend and arch weld iron girders with his bare
hands isn't a problem. He's worried about breast cancer, alcoholism, suicidal depression...I think I found a place for the mask. Think you could hold it steady while I glue it in place?"
Daria got on the floor to help Jane. "Jane, I think this mask is broken off. See where the edge is kinda jagged?"
"Perfect symbolism." said Jane. "About the pain of being cut off from your better half. Now, hold it steady."
Meanwhile, in Highland, Texas, Beavis and Butt-Head marvelled over their souvenier. "Huhhuh, it's a mask." Butt-Head observed.
"Hey, let me look at it, buttwhipe!"
"No way, monkey spanker!"
Beavis grabbed the mask half Butt-Head was holding just as Daria and Jane touched their
half of the mask. All four experienced a brilliant flash of light.
"Did you see that, Jane?" asked Daria, blinking her eyes. She saw a familiar blonde teenage boy sitting next to her. "No! Not you! I left your dumb ass in Texas!"
"Excuse me, who are you?" asked Jane.
"Dammit, Beavis, don't you remember me? Daria Morgendorfer? The girl who kept you from
flunking science, again."
"Why did you call me 'Beavis'?" asked Jane.
"Cuz it's your name! God, I knew you were stupid, but I thought you'd know your own name.
What the hell are you doing here anyway?"
"Um, you say you're Daria, right?"
"Yeah."
"I'm Jane."
"Oh crap on a crap cracker."
Meanwhile, in Lawndale, Butt-Head found himself sitting on the floor with a cute girl with black hair. "Whoa! Chick ahoy! Hey, baby, huhhuh, wanna wrestle?"
"Dammit, Daria, I only do it with hot chicks!" Beavis said, reeling back.
"Why the hell did you call me Daria?"
"Cuz that's who you are. I thought you were supposed to be smart or something."
"Uh...let's just make out, babe. Glad that dillweed Beavis isn't around right now. Huh-huh, come to Butt-Head." Butt-Head tried to kiss Beavis. Beavis slapped him.
"I am Beavis, you bunghole!"
"Huh-huh, you're pretty hot for Beavis."
"Yeah, I am." said Beavis, taking a look at his new body. He took off Jane's shirt. "Whoa! I got thingies! Cool!" Beavis went to go pleasure himself infront of a mirror.
Butt-Head looked down Daria's shirt. "Dammit! I got ripped off! These thingies look like
the ones those tribeswomen in /National Geographic/ have. Uh-still kinda cool though."
In Highland, Daria and Jane tried to assess the situation. "OK," said Daria. "Let's try the Sherlock Holmes hypothosis. Elliminate the impossible and what ever's left is the truth, no matter how improbable. One, I seem to be trapped in the body of an old aquaintance named Butt-Head."
"Two," said Jane. "I seem to be stuck in the body of some guy you call Beavis."
"Three, we have posession of a mask half like the one you were putting in your sculpture.
It's white, and looks just like the black mask only it's for the other side of the face."
"I think it's made of ivory." said Jane, examining the mask. "It's got a jagged edge like
the other mask."
"So-our minds have been put in the bodies of Beavis and Butt-Head by this mask, probably
a mystic artifact of some kind."
"Wait a minute." said Jane. "If we're in the bodies of those two knuckleheads you told me
about, where are their minds?"
Daria suddenly felt sick.
After tiring of playing with their breasts and trashing Jane's sculpture, Beavis and Butt-Head went to the Lanes' living room and turned on Baywatch. Trent walked in. "Hey, Janey, think I could talk to Daria alone for a while?" Beavis said nothing, transfixed by Pamela Anderson jiggling in slow motion. "I get it." sighed Trent. "She told you what I did last night and now you're mad at me too. Fine, I can deal with the silent treatment. I guess anything I say to Daria I can say in front of you."
"Could you, like, not talk, or something?" said Butt-Head.
"Look, I don't blame you for being mad at me." Trent sat next to Butt-Head. "What I did last night was completly unexcusable. Daria, I've never felt this way about anyone, and I want this to work. I just want to say, I'm sorry." He put an arm around Daria's shoulder.
"Aaah!" shouted Butt-Head. "Don't touch me, you pervert!"
"Fine! Be like that!" Trent stormed off, hurt and angry.
"Uh, commercials suck." said Butt-Head. "Change it."
"Is Spider-Man peeking into high-rise apartments to watch people change clothes? The perverted arachnid on the next Sick, Sad, World!"
"Huh-huh, cool."
"So, what do we do now?" asked Jane.
"OK, let's not panic." said Daria. "I think this mask had something to do with it. I'd like to do some research."
"Do these guys have a computer?"
"Jane, these guys couldn't spell 'CD ROM', much less use one. They think the disk drive is a cupholder. Today's Saturday, school doesn't start untill Monday. If we hurry, we can get to the library before it closes."
"Do they have a car?"
"They have a couple of bikes and there's a bus stop at the Maxi-Mart down the street."
"Let's see if this guy has any change." Jane went into Beavis's pocket and pulled out a
dead frog. She screamed. "What the hell kinda weirdos are these freaks?" Daria went for the sofa
cushions. She found nacho crumbs, a used up cigarette lighter, the cover for last month's issue
of /Spank/ magazine, and a quarter. Butt-Head had a condom in one pocket, two dimes in the other.
"One more nickle and we'll have enough for one fare." said Daria. Jane found a nickle in Beavis's
pocket- along with a pack of Marlboros and a book of matches. "Do the world a favor, Jane." said
Daria. "Destroy those matches."
She put them in a half full can of soda. "Done."
"Let's look for more money." They searched untill they found a jar in the vast wasteland
in one of the bedrooms. It had a label that read "Butt-Head's munny doo nawt steele" The change
and bills added up to $9.74. "Let's go." Daria pocketed the cash.
Jane followed Daria to the Maxi-Mart. "Ya, know," said Jane, "I always wondered what it would be like to be a guy."
"What's the verdict?"
"Underrated. While you were looking for money, I slipped off to the bathroom. Let's just
say I was better endowed as a girl and leave it at that."
As they waited by the bus stop a trashy looking Pinto sped into the parking lot. "Oh, no," moaned Daria. "Not this guy."
"Hey there, little girls." said Todd.
If he only knew how close to the truth he was. thought Daria.
"Whatcha doin'?" asked Todd.
"Um, nothing." said Daria.
"Oh, You freaks are doing something. You're gonna give me your money."
"Get bent, asshole." said Jane.
Todd grabbed Jane by Beavis's scrawny pencil neck. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME,
YOU LITTLE SHIT-HEAD?!" Jane took advantage of her position and kicked Todd square in the 'nads.
He went down squealing like a girl. Daria concked him on the head with a nearby brick. The bus
came just in time. "That was scary." said Jane. "Espacially since we don't have our super-powers."
At the library, Daria approached the librarian's desk. "We need to schedule time on the
internet, Mrs. Phelps." Daria said to the bespectacled old lady.
"Do I know you boys?" she asked.
Daria realized her slip up. Of course Mrs. Phelps wouldn't know who Beavis and Butt-Head
are. "Uh, one of your aides told me your name."
Mrs. Phelps looked at her notebook. "I can get you down for one hour at four. Do you want
seperate computers?"
"No thanks, just one."
"See you in five minutes."
They sat at a table to wait. "You know her?" asked Jane.
"Mrs. Phelps has been the librarian here for 50 years. My first summer job was helping her shelve books." Daria sighed. "She's the only person from Highland who I really miss. It would be nice to sit and talk with her a while but...."
"It would be to hard to explain."
When they got their time on the internet Daria typed the words 'black and white mask' into the search engine. "Wait!" said Jane. "Check this out!" She pointed to a news link that read
"Valuable Mask Stolen From New York Museum." Daria clicked on it.
--On April 20th, a valuable mask, believed to have originated with the !B'Hong people of the Kallihari, was stolen from the New York Cultural Museum. "That mask is absolutly priceless!," said curator Alice Brandon. "Not only was it made of the purest ivory and rarest ebony, but the craftsmanship of the reclusive !B'Hongs is unmatchable!"--
"Daria? What's the exclamation point for?"
"I've read about Kallihari natives. Anthropologists use the exclamation point to symbolize a tongue click. It's used a lot in their language."
Jane clicked Beavis's tongue. "Like that?"
"Kinda. Back to the story."
--The costumed character known as "Spider-Man" was reportedly seen in the area. "He's a menace!" said J. Jonah Jameson, editor for /The Daily Bugel/. "I lay you odds he stole the mask! That Spider-Man is nothing but trouble!"
"There were no fingerprints." said NYPD police chief Andrew Sipowitz. "And we suspect the perpetrator came in through the sunroof. No footprins either. The thief could very well have been this Spider-Man, or just someone who saw /Mission Impossible/ too many times."--
An AP photo of the mask followed. "That looks just like it!" said Jane. "Only, in one piece."
"I'm pretty sure Spider-Man didn't steal the mask." said Daria. "It had to have been that
blonde woman we caught robbing the Gas&Gulp."
"But how did Beavis and Butt-Head get their hands on it?" asked Jane.
Just then, a stocky boy with blond hair wearing a Winger T-shirt approached them. "Hi, guys!" he said. "I don't think I've ever seen you in the library before."
"Uh, go away, Stewart." said Daria.
"Wasn't spring break rad?" asked Stewart. "I'm real glad you guys could come on the trip to New York with us, even if you didn't pay."
"Um, did you say New York?" asked Jane.
"Yeah, you guys were there. You spit off the side of the Chrysler Building and made armpit noises all through /Les Miz/. It was cool! What are you checking out on the web? I was just reading about this awesome new /StarFighter/ game that's coming out soon."
"Uh, we gotta go." said Daria. "Bye, Stewart."
"Can I come over and hang with you guys later?" asked Stewart.
"Uh, maybe tomorrow."
"Really? Wow! OK, see you then!"
"That guy reminds me of Danny, sort of." said Jane.
"That's what Danny would be like with no positive role models." said Daria.
Meanwhile, back in Lawndale, Baywatch had gone off. "I gotta go to the bathroom." said Butt-Head. He left Beavis in the living room. The doorbell rang. Beavis answered it. A tall, muscular man with a light brown pony-tail was there bearing a box of candy. "Hi, Jane." he said, comming in. "I brought you something."
"Whoa! Cool! Chocolate!" said Beavis.
"Lady Godiva Truffles." said Jesse. "I know they're your favorite." Beavis ripped off the
paper, sat on the couch, and stuffed truffle after truffle into Jane's mouth. "Janey," said Jesse. "I've been thinking about how you said you wanted me to be more romantic. Physically. You're right, I should try harder." Beavis started to quiver as he devoured the truffles. "When I don't get all touchy with you, it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you. Believe me, I am." Well, not right now. he thought, watching his beloved make a pig of herself. "I think it's the MRI inhibitors I'm on. They can really mess up your libido."
"A mosquito, my libido!" sang Beavis.
"Um, yeah. I'm trying to wean myself off them."
"Huh-huh, wean."
"I'm thinking of switching from topical vitamin E to pill form. I hear that improves performance. Janey, all I want in the world is to make you happy."
"Are you threatening me?"
"No! I mean yes! um,um...."
"I am the Great Cornholio! I must have trrrruffles! Truffles for my bunghole!" Beavis pulled Jane's shirt collar over her head and left the room. Jesse was very confused.
Beavis went into Trent's room. Trent was lying face down on the bed. "I am Cornholio!" said Beavis. "Have you any truffles? Have you any TP? My bunghole must not get polio!"
"I know what you're trying to do, Janey." said Trent. "You know I'm upset about Daria and
you're acting silly to cheer me up. Thanks, but it's not working."
"Cornholioooooooo!" sang Beavis, leaving the room. "I need trrrruffles! I have no bunghoooole! The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!"
Butt-Head came out of the bathroom. "Huh-huh, hey, Beavis. Did you know that we can pee
sitting down now? It's pretty cool."
"Is there any TP?" asked Beavis.
"Uh, Yeah."
"I must have TP!" Beavis went in the bathroom and took out a large roll. "My bunghole must be pleased so as not to incur a pox on oleo! Bunga bunga bunga!" Beavis ran into Jesse on the way down stairs. "Have you any more trrrruffles? Trrrruffles for my bunghole?" Jesse glared at him for a second, then shook his head and went upstairs. "A pox upon thy firstborn! I must have trrruffles, or your oleo will get polio! Bungholioooooooo! I come from Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!"
"Hey, Trent," said Jesse. "Can I borrow your car?"
Trent grabbed his keys. "I can drive you somewhere if you want."
"I don't wanna go anywhere. I just need your car for a sec."
They went downstairs. Beavis was holding his TP close while slurping a can of Jolt cola he found in the fridge-trembling all the way. Butt-Head was engorsed in an infomercial for Thighmaster. Not Daria's usual fare, Trent mused.
Outside, Jesse crawled under Trent's Ford and started doing bench presses. "I'll understand if you don't wanna spot me." he said.
"You upset about something, Jess?"
"What makes you (ugh) think that (ugh) something is (ugh) wrong?"
"You always lift weights when you're upset."
Jesse let the car rest on the pavement. "Your sister has turned completely psycho. I got her her favorite truffles and started getting romantic when she announced she was the great Cornholio and started prophesizing these great plagues."
"Yeah, she came to my room and did the same thing. I thought it was a joke. You know, Daria's been acting weird too. I can understand if she's mad at me, but I thought she'd at least listen to me. Plus, she's been watching things on TV she doesn't usually watch. Baywatch, infomercials..."
"Maybe they're both having that PMS thing."
"Nah, I've seen PMS. This isn't PMS."
"What is it then?"
"Fucking weird, that's what it is."
"I am Cornholio!" shouted Beavis, stepping outside. "Flesh will burn and rot for the sake
of the all mighty Bunghole! Huhhuh, burn! Burn! BURN! BUUUUUUUURRRRRRN!" His body flamed on.
"Whoa! Cool! Fire! Fire! FIRE! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!!!!!!" He flew off into the sky.
"To the Batmobile, Robin." said Trent. "And bring a fire estiguisher."
They went inside to get the extinguisher. Butt-Head sat on the couch in a stupor. The living room was littered with streamers of toilet paper. "What the FUCK?!" said Trent.
"Huh-huh, you said fuck." laughed Butt-Head.
"We'll discuss this later." Jesse got the extinguisher.
Beavis flew over the city, unleashing torents of fire. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" he chanted, laying waste to everything in sight. The townspeople ran in panic, wondering why Flamin' Jane had suddenly gone berserk. Beavis landed. "I am the Great Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! You must bring me truffles or this city will burn like the flames of Hell!"
"Yo! Cornhole!" shouted Trent. He had Beavis's attention long enough to drench Jane's body in thick white foam.
"Foam can no stop the Great Cornholio! You shall bow before me!" In a frenzy, Beavis rushed Jesse. "Give me my tribute of trrruffles!" Jesse caught Beavis, held him up and looked at him for a moment, then knocked him out cold.
"Jesse, you finally did it." said Trent. "You hit a girl. And Janey at that."
"Whatever that is, it's not Janey."
"For all we know, it's probably not even a girl." Jesse lugged Beavis over his shoulder and returned to the car.
Meanwhile, Butt-Head got bored with the TV and went outside. He walked down the sidewalk.
Dammit, where's the Maxi-Mart? he wondered. He crossed paths with Brittany.
"Hi Daria!" she squeaked. "How was spring break?"
"Whoa! Huhhuh, hey baby."
"Daria, did you just call me baby?" Butt-Head chuckled and reached out and grabbed Brittany's shirt. He wished it was see-through, and lo and behold it was. "Eep!" Brittany tried in vain to cover her huge breasts with her hands. "Daria, why'd you do that? Are you like, a Lebanese or something?"
"Huh-huh, come to Butt-Head." Brittany screamed and ran away.
In Highland, Daria and Jane wondered what they were going to do with their knowledge. "OK," said Daria. "We know this was caused by the mask. It probably has something to do with touching it. The other half of the mask is in Lawndale, where those two morons are probably inhabiting our bodies."
"I feel dirty thinking about it." said Jane.
"When we get to their house you can go whack off if it will make you feel better."
"How do we get back to Lawndale? Butt-Head's cash isn't going to take us far."
Before Daria could answer, Todd showed up with his gang. "You little panty wusses like to kick people in the balls, huh?" he asked, as the gang members readied their bats and blackjacks. "How 'bout my boys kick /you/ in the balls!"
Daria and Jane ran for it. Jane followed Daria's lead. She knew the neighborhood better.
Daria scaled a fence, Jane followed. The gang tore the fence down. A shot fired in the air.
A portly older man stood on his back porch armed with a rifle. "Leave my goddammed fence alone
you little hoodlums!" he yelled. "Or you'll get the business end of Ole Bessy, I tell you what!"
"Aw, fuck this." said one of the gang members. They left.
"Th-thanks Mr. Anderson." Daria panted. Jane was wheazing uncontrollably.
"You boy's otta learn to defend yerselves." said Mr. Anderson. "C'mon in, the Mizzus made
some lemonade this morning."
Jane collapsed on the couch inside as Mr. Anderson got the lemonade. "Da-daria," she gasped.'Wh-what's wrong? I-I can't-can't," she she fought for air. "Can't breathe."
"Beavis doesn't go jogging like you." said Daria. "And he tries to smoke."
"Tr-tries?"
"No hand/eye co-ordination." Daria was only a little out of breath. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but her lifestyle was almost as sedantary as Butt-Head's. True, she would rather read or write than watch soft-core porn and she got up to fight crime when she had to.
"Here you go boys." Mr. Anderson served the lemonade. Jane gulped the whole glass down.
"Mr. Anderson," said Daria. "Could I borrow your phone please? It's a collect call."
"Well, as long as it's collect, go on ahead."
Daria made a collect call to Jane's house. Trent and Jesse just got home with Beavis when
the phone rang. Trent answered and accepted the charges.
"Trent, it really is me. I'm in Texas."
"You just don't sound like Daria." he said. "You sound like a guy."
"It's me. I can't really explain."
"If you're really Daria, tell me something only she would know."
"Last night we had an argument at the drive-in."
"Who is it?" asked Jesse.
"It's Daria and Jane," said Trent. "I think."
"Let me talk." He took the phone. "Hello?"
"Jesse, it's me, Daria."
Didn't sound like her. "Could you put Jane on?"
Daria gave Jane the phone. "Hi Jesse."
"You don't sound like Jane."
"But I am. It's a long story."
"Tell me something only Jane would know."
"You have a birthmark on your hieny shaped like a bunny rabbit."
"It's her, alright." Jesse said to Trent, giving back the phone. Trent and Daria comtinued the conversation.
"Well, we caught Jane before she burned down the town. I don't think it is Jane."
"It's not. Jane's with me. It's Beavis."
"Who?"
"This guy I knew in Highland. Complete pyro. What about-me?"
"You-or whover it was- isn't here. We left-it-here at home to catch Beavis."
"You have to stop him before he hurts someone- not to mention ruin my reputation."
"Sure, we'll just tie Beavis up so he doesn't go anywhere."
"Good. Here's what you gotta do when you catch him. In Jane's room you'll find a black half of a mask. Get Beavis and Butt-Head to touch it at the same time. Jane and I will both touch the other half of the mask about- 10 PM. That should give you enough time to catch Butt-Head. That should put everyone back in their right bodies."
"Will do. Hey, Daria?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm real sorry. About last night."
"We'll discus this when I get back."
"Bye."
"Bye" Daria hung up. "Thanks, Mr. Anderson." said Daria. "We gotta go."
"Anytime boys." Boy I tell ya, he thought as the two left. Those boys can be down right
polite when they wanna be. Maybe they changed their ways.
"I can't believe that guy just fired a gun in the middle of a neighborhood." said Jane.
"Welcome to Texas." said Daria.
In Lawndale, Trent hung up the phone. "She and Jane are OK, but they're in Texas and stuck in the bodies of two guys named Beavis and Butt-Head."
"And they're in Daria and Jane's bodies." Jesse concluded.
"We better shut this guy away somewhere and go look for Butt-Head. He's in Daria's body."
"Cool." Jesse carried Beavis to Jane's room. Trent followed. Jesse laid Jane's foam covered and unconscous body on the bed and went through a nightstand drawer. He brought out a pair of furry handcuffs. "Those look familiar." said Trent.
"Uh-yeah-me and Jane got some-uh-toys."
"I think I'm going to be sick." Trent said as Jesse cuffed Beavis to the bedpost. "We need to look for a black mask in here."
"Let's try that pile of junk." He indicated the sculpture that the two miscreants destroyed. They sifted through the wreckage untill they found what they wanted.
"Now to find Butt-Head."
Butt-Head was walking down the street, still looking for the Maxi-Mart or at least another chick. Quinn approached. "Daria! Where the hell have you been?"
"Whoa! You're that babe Quinn!"
"Well, duh! Mom says it's time for dinner. Boy, are you ever gonna get it! Mom's mad that
you've been gone all day."
"Uh, I'm gonna 'get it'?"
"Stop being a bigger dufus than usual, Daria, and come home!"
"Uh, OK." Butt-Head went home with Quinn.
"And just where have you been all day, young lady?" Helen demanded.
"Uh- huh-huh."
"Never mind. Just sit down and eat dinner."
"Cool! Lasagna!" Butt-Head dug in. "Huh-huh! I'm cutting the cheese!"
"EEeeew!" said Quinn.
"Daria, that was rude." said Helen. "Say you're sorry."
"You're sorry."
"Oh, that was funny," said Quinn. "when I was six!"
"So, Daria," said Jake, getting in on the conversation. "How are things with you and Trent?" Butt-Head ignored him and stuffed lasagna in Daria's mouth.
"That guy's a loser." said Quinn. "Let's face it, any guy who would ignore me and go out with Daria has to have something wrong with him."
"Quinn, don't say those things in front of your sister!" said Helen. "She has many fine
qualities that a boy would be interested in, such as-um....well...her,uh...hmmmm...." She honestly couldn't think of one thing. The doorbell rang. Helen got up to answer it. It was Trent.
"Is Daria here?" he asked.
"We're having dinner right now. If you don't mind, this is a family event." She started to shut the door. Trent tried to stop her.
"Please, Mrs. Morgendorfer, it's very important."
"Any puppy-love quarrels you've had can just wait untill after dinner."
"Is that Trent?" said Jake. "Bring him in! I made enough lasagna for everyone!"
Trent was seated next to Butt-Head. Trent found he didn't have much of an appetite. He tried not to glare at the thing that was a mockery of Daria.
"So, Trent," said Jake. "Found a job yet?"
"I'm making good money in the band." he said "We've got three gigs next week."
"You're not still doing that whole hero thing are you?" asked Helen.
"What can I say? Whenever there's trouble, we stop it."
"Well, I don't like it." said Helen. "The law is perfectly clear on vigilanteism."
"It's called citizen's arrest." said Trent. "It's all legal. And if you don't like super
heros, why did you defend Jesse?"
"We're talking completely different circumstances here. Look, Trent, all I want in the world is for Daria to be a normal, happy, teenaged girl."
"Like me!" said Quinn.
"Yes, exactly!" said Helen. "Like Quinn."
Butt-Head finished the lasagna and let out a huge belch. "C'mon, Daria," said Trent. "We've gotta go." He grabbed Daria's wrist.
"Aah! Don't touch me, Asswhipe!" The Morgendorfers were taken aback. Since when did Daria
say things like "Asswhipe"?
"Trent, I think you'd better leave." said Helen.
"But..."
"Now!"
"Yes ma'am." Trent had no choice. The Morgendorfers would never believe his explanation.
Jesse was waiting outside.
"Dude, what took you so long?" he asked.
"I had to stay for dinner."
"Cool, did you bring me anything? I'm kinda hungry." Trent just glared at him.
"I'm gonna do a stake out here and sneak in through Daria's bedroom when I can. You go home and guard Beaver or whatever his name is."
"Cool." Jesse left. Trent found some brush to hide in while he kept an eye on Daria's window. He waited patiently untill he saw the familiar shadow. He started stretching up to the window. Within, Butt-Head was going through Daria's underwear drawer.
"Huh-huh," he laughed, fingering the unmentionables. "Granny panties. Huh-huh, A-cups."
"Drop the drawers, pervert!" said Trent, hoisting himself inside.
"You're a pervert, peckerwood!"
"Listen, this isn't your body. Come with me and I'll set everything the way it's supposed to be."
"Huh-huh, no way! Being a chick is cool. I can sit down to take a whiz. I got two thingies to play with, even if they are flat.And maybe I can-you know- get some lesbo-action!"
"C'mon, you gotta admit being a guy has its advantages. You can grow a little facial hair
like me and still look cool. Chick's gotta shave everything. If a guy wants to go swimming all
he has to do is take off his shirt and dive in. A chick would get arrested for doing that. Plus,
why do you think lines to the ladies' room are so long?"
"Uh- cuz they put on make-up and crap?"
"No, girls can't use urinals. That's right, pal. No more playing 'Melt the Ice' for you."
"That sucks! I wanna be a dude again!"
"Great. Just come with me." Trent carried Butt-Head out the window. "We gotta be at my house in..." He checked his watch. "Crap! Ten minutes!"
Trent gunned the motor. He found Jesse in the living room sharing some Burger World takeout with Beavis. "Jesse, it's nearly ten! We gotta..."
"Calm down, Trent." said Jesse. "They're in Texas, right?"
"Right."
"We're an hour ahead of them. Time zones and stuff."
"Oh, yeah. Completely forgot about that."
"I got you a WorldBurger with extra pickles, the way you like it."
"Thanks, man." Trent unwrapped his burger.
"Where's mine?" asked Butt-Head.
"I got you and your friend Smily Meals." said Jesse. "They're cheap and they come with toys."
"You didn't have to bother." said Trent.
"Even prisoners get to eat." said Jesse. "Besides, I don't want the girls to come back to
hungry bodies."
"Um, I hafta use the bathroom." said Beavis.
"I'll show you where it is." Jesse was going to escort Beavis to make sure he didn't run
away. He waited outside the bathroom for fifteen minutes. "Hey, what's taking so long?" Jesse
peeked in. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
Trent became concerned. Jesse seldom raised his voice that loud. He saw Jesse drag a half
naked Beavis (Jane's body, actually) out of the bathroom and to Jane's bedroom. "C'mon, dude!"
said Beavis. "You know you'd do it!" Jesse handcuffed him back to the bed.
"This should keep your damn hands off my girlfriend's body!"
"Uh-it's like, they're her hands, not mine."
"Whatever." He threw a cover over Jane's body.
"It's almost eleven." said Trent. "They hafta be touching the mask at the same time."
Jesse put the mask in Jane's fingers and made Butt-Head touch it. Meanwhile, in Highland,
Daria and Jane were on the couch with the white mask half. "Here goes everything." Daria said as
she and Jane grabbed the mask. A simular flash of light. Daria and Jane were in Jane's room.
"Why the hell am I chained up and naked!?" Jane demanded.
"Beavis was trying to molest you." said Jesse.
"Jesse, you untie Jane. Daria and I need to talk alone." They left, Daria carrying the mask.
"OK, Jess." said Jane. "You can take the cuffs off now." He grinned at her mischiviously.
"Um, Jesse?" He laid down next to her. "Jesse, what are you do-" He cut her off with a passionate kiss.
"Look, Trent," said Daria. "I know you really wanna talk about where our relationship is going, but, we need to think about what to do with this mask first." There was a knock at the door. Trent answered. The caller was a tall black man in an unseasonal overcoat. His head was shaved and covered in tribal tattoos simular to the markings on the mask.
"I am here for the mask of the !B'Hong tribe." he said in a rich accented voice. "I am their shaman. I sensed it's power here."
"You mean this?" Daria showed him the ebony half of the mask.
The shaman was horrified. "You broke it?"
"No, it was like this when we found it."
The shaman shook his head. "Is very, very bad fortune to break sacred mask. My people use
this mask in a private comming of age ceremony. It was stolen from us a year ago. I have been
searching ever since. It is far too dangerous to be in the hands of the white man."
"In other words," said Daria. "We are not ready for Mogwai. Here's your mask back."
"Lay it on the table. I will pick it up." They did. "It will not do for us to touch mask
at same time. I believe the proper word in your culture is 'thank you'. Now, I must search for
the ivory half."
"Try Highland, Texas." Daria suggested.
"I will."
"Nice tats." said Trent, who had been admiring the markings on the shaman's head.
"Yours are good as well. Maori? I have studied them. Yours is a right of passage mark. So, who is the lucky girl?" He looked at Daria.
"Lucky girl?" asked Trent.
"Of course. Your tattoo means that not only does your tribe see you as an adult, but you
have chosen a bride." Trent's jaw dropped. "Don't worry, you are not Maori, so it may not matter.
I must go now." The shaman was gone as quickly as he came.
"Well, that's done with." said Trent.
"Yeah." said Daria.
"I'm still sorry about last night." he said. "Sometimes, I.." A strange noise from upstairs interrupted him.
"What the hell was that?" asked Daria. "Sounded like Jane."
"The only thing that sounds like that is a girl having an...oh gross." Trent shuddered.
"It is kinda creepy. Let's leave."
Trent drove to nowhere in particular with Daria riding shotgun. "If you just don't like me," said Trent. "I'll back off and leave you alone." he finally said.
"No." Daria said emphaticly. "Trent, I love you." He brought the car to a hault. "You heard me, I love you. And I'm afraid if you see how ugly I really am, you might loose interest in me."
"Daria, you're not ugly."
"Sure. When I was a kid and boys threw rocks at me and called me Frankenstein, it was only because they were mesmerized by my awesome beauty. And don't feed me that cock-and-bull story about the Ugly Duckling. I got a mirror. I know what I look like. I'm not a swan. I'm an ugly duck. Know why I keep my hair long and wore skirts before I took up crime fighting? Back in middle school, people mistook me for a boy. Apparantly, boys who look like girls are cute but girl who look like boys are just fugly. I had girls flirt with me and get angry when I told them I was really a girl. My family is ashamed of me because I'm not cute and friendly like Quinn."
"They should get Quinn to be more like you." said Trent. "And I'd like to see you in skirts more often. They look cute on you."
"Nothing looks cute on me. I got knobby knees and flabby thighs. Plus, they're just not
practical for crime fighting."
"I still think you're beautiful."
"You don't have to lie to me."
"Daria, I love the girl who taught me how to laugh, who accepted me despite my faults, and just made me a better person."
Daria grabbed Trent and kissed him. They kissed in silence for a long time. Daria broke it off. "Let's see," she said. "My parents are at my house. Jane and Jesse are having fun at your
house. You got money for a motel?"
"You mean you wanna..." Trent whipped out his wallet. Enough for one night, and enough left over for a small box of condoms. He silently thanked any gods that might be listening.
EPILOGUE:
The next day in Highland.
"Hey, Beavis, huh-huh, whaddya wanna do today?"
"Um, homework?"
Butt-Head stared at Beavis and realized it was a joke. They both laughed moronically. The
doorbell rang. "Get the door, ass munch." said Butt-Head.
"You get it, fart knocker! It's your house!"
Stewart let himself in. "Hey guys! Wanna play video games?"
"Uh, go away, Stewart!" said Butt-Head.
"But, you said I could hang with you guys."
"When the hell did we say that?" asked Beavis.
"Yesterday, at the library."
"We never go to the library, dumb ass!" said Butt-Head. "Too many words and stuff."
"Yeah." said Beavis. "We were turned into chicks yesterday."
Stewart laughed. "That's funny, guys!" There was a knock at the door. Stewart let in the shaman.
"I have come for the ivory half of the mask of the !B'Hong." he said.
"Huh-huh," laughed Butt-Head. "You said 'bong'."
"Uh, you mean this?" Beavis held up the mask.
"I'll get it." said Stewart, reaching for the mask.
"NO!" shouted the shaman, too late.
"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh." laughed Stewart.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
It'th all over, Lane! You'll pay for the thuffering you've cauthed me!
OK, that's enough saki for you, mister.
Danny is so damn grounded.
Violence, nudity, it's all good!
If I don't come back, feed Nibbles for me.
(A/N): Umm, do I have to list the credits for /Les Miserables/ again? Nah. OK, I get it. You don'tlike musicals. Neither do Beavis and Butthead. They would probably like the crude humor of the"Master of the House" number. (Huh-huh, master.) Here's their review for /Phantom of the Opera/
Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis. Huh-huh. This chick is singing about a guy who comes in her dreams.
Beavis: Huh-huh. I always come in my dreams. Huh-huh.
Butt-Head: That Christine chick, is like, hot and stuff. But, she should, like, not sing.
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! And she should wear less clothes. That would be cool!
Butt-Head: They should make a mucus-cal where the chicks don't sing or wear any clothes.
Beavis: Yeah! That would rule! And get rid of that dumb-ass guy with the mask!
Butt-Head: Huh-huh, he's got a big pole. Huh-huh.
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" belongs to Kurt Kobain. Is it OK for me to use his songs? Oh, nevermind. Spider-Man is property of Marvel comics. Beavis and Butt-Head belong to Mike Judge and he can keep them. Dallas and Muddy are from B&BDA. I also hope no one got confused by this body swap story. Hard to imagine Daria and Jane acting like Beavis and Butt-Head. And vice versa.
The Watcher will begin by saying this is an account of how Phantom and Flamin' Jane swapped bodies with two miscreants. I will avoid confussion by referring to them by the names their minds are attatched to.
The tale begins in a New York cultural museum. A lithe figure slid down a rope from the
skylight to pilfer an ornate ceremonial mask made of ebony and ivory. A couple of tugs on the
rope, and the mask was stolen. "Good work, Dallas." said the accomplice.
"That was nothing, Sugar," she said, tugging away her ski mask to reveal long blonde hair.
"Now alls we gotta do is geet this to that QB feller, and collect our hunerd thou."
"Why settle for a few thou, Muddy. Another collector could pay even more."
"How 'bout settling for jail time?" said an interloper.
"Damn! Spider-Man!" said Dallas. Muddy fired on him. Spider-Man deftly lept out of the way.
"Missed me! Missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!" Spider-Man taunted. He tumbled away from another shot. "Enough of this crap!" Spidy shot a web at Muddy. Dallas grabbed the mask and ran. "Not so fast, Blondie!" He persued her across the rooftop, knowing Muddy wasn't going anywhere for at least an hour. When he chased her to the edge, Spidy was sure he had his woman.
"One more step and this priceless artifact is desroyed!" Dallas sneered. Spidy just shrugged and hurled a line of webbing at the mask. One moment of inattention was all it took. Dallas whipped out a pistol and shot Spidy in the shoulder. The mask was knocked from Dallas's hand rather than retrieved. "Look what you made me do!" she said to the wounded superhero. She went for the fire escape.
"Dallas!" cried Muddy. "Come help me!"
"Sorry, shug, you're just dead weight. Girl's gotta look out for herself."
"Goddam bitch!"
"You can say that again." winced Spidy. It was only a flesh wound, but it hurt. And he still had to take the male robber in. He tossed Muddy over his good shoulder, shot out a rope of webbing, and swung away, wondering how he was going to explain another wound to Aunt May.
Meanwhile, on the street below, Mr. VanDriessen led his students back to the hotel. "OK,
what did everyone think of the musical, /Les Miserables/?"
"So touching." said Cassandra. "The pathos, the self sacrifice, the redemption, the introspection."
"It sucked!" Two idiots started laughing. Mr. VanDriessen sighed.
"Beavis, Butt-Head, you're already on my list for stowing away on the spring break trip
while everyone else paid good money. The least you could do is try to take something from this
trip, m'kay?"
"So- where are the hookers?" asked Butt-Head.
"Let's go boys." The two boys lagged behind. Beavis began to sing.
"Master of the house! Quick to catch yer eye! Never wants a passerby to pass him by!"
"Huh-huh, you said 'master'." laughed Butt-Head.
"That was, like, the only cool song in the whole show!"
"Huh-huh, hole. Hey Beavis, let's go dumpster diving."
"Cool!"
They went down into the alley and sifted through bottles, cans and used copies of /The Village Voice/. "Dammit!" said Butt-Head. "New York trash sucks."
"Hey, Butt-Head, check this out!" He held up a white half of a mask.
"It looks like the thing that dude in the mucus-cal VanDriessen dragged us to last night."
"Huh-huh, yeah. That sucked too."
"That Christine chick was pretty hot, though. I 'think of her' -every time I touch myself."
"Mucus-cals suck." said Beavis. "Hey, didn't VanDriessen say we were supposed to take something?"
"Oh yeah, huhuh. Let's take the mask. That would be cool."
They left. Dallas soon came to check the alley. To her chagrin, only the black half of the mask could be found. Whoever took the other half was high on her shitlist.
The next day, Daria and Jane were walking to the Gas&Gulp. "I can't believe spring break is over so soon." said Jane. "We had fun, though. Going to the guys' shows, visiting the kids at
Cedars, even capturing Wart Girl after she broke out of the nut-house was kinda fun."
"If you say so." sighed Daria.
"You're looking glummer than usual."
"I'm having trouble with Trent. I love him, I love being held and kissed by him, but every time his hands start roaming, it feels- creepy."
"This is Trent, right? Not Upchuck or Nauseous or whoever he is now."
"The problem started on Valentine's Day. I remembered he stopped me halfway through my second glass of Merlot. He said he didn't want me to get wasted. Then he kissed me- I mean, really kissed me." Daria paused, remembering how good the kiss was. "I tried to relax and just get carried away, but I couldn't. He started to slide his hand under my skirt and-I just freaked out."
"Daria, were you-you know-molested or anything?"
"What? Jane, my parents are assholes, not monsters!"
"I'm not saying they did anything..."
"Well, they didn't and I wasn't. Here's the problem. I've seen his ex-girlfriend, Monique. She's hot. She could be a model or a movie star if she wanted. To top it off, she kinda looks like Joan Jett, his dream babe. After someone like that, why would he want someone who was dicked over by the puberty fairy? Why go for bologna when you can get steak?"
"You ever see Joan Jett's 'Do Ya Wanna Touch Me?' video, Daria? In the video, Joan wears a bikini and hangs around this beefy muscle-man. The muscle-man's tits were bigger than hers. Some guys like small breasts. Jesse says mine are kinda cute."
"Mine aren't cute or perky or whatever euphamism people use for undersized. They look like a couple of deflated balloons. I'm scrawny with no hips, knobbly knees and a face that would stop a clock. If Trent saw what I really looked like, he wouldn't want me anymore. On the other hand, I risk losing him if I don't let him get past first base."
"Reality check, Daria. It's been a month or so since Valentine's and you're still together, right?"
"I'm not sure anymore. Last night he took me to that new drive-in theater. I should've known better. Who goes to a drive-in to watch a movie? He had his arm around me, then suddenly he had his hands all over me-literally. I think he used his stretch power. I got mad and scared and
confused all at once. I kicked him off me, got out of the car and ran out to the woods. He followed me, calling me. I didn't want to deal with him-so-I went invisible. I think he knew that's what I did, so he got disgusted with looking for me and went back to the car. I took a cab home."
"Daria, maybe he just wanted to appologize. He probably didn't want you to go off by yourself at night into the woods. I've heard stories about that area."
"He stopped in the middle of a clearing and said if I could hear him, he was sorry and was going to wait an hour for me in the car if I wanted a ride home. I just couldn't face him."
"Daria, avoiding him won't get you anywhere. You have to remember, it's not your body Trent's in love with. He loves you and wants to show it. Actually, I wish I had your problem. Lately, it seems like I practically have to rape Jesse to get him to do anything. He says nothing real bad happened to him in prison, especially after he cleaned Foy's clock. He probably has that negative association thing."
"Wanna trade boyfriends?"
"Sorry, I've got a strict no incest policy. C'mon, I'll buy you a Slurpo."
"By the way, Mom had 'The Talk' with me after the trial."
"Poor you."
"She put her hands on my shoulders so I couldn't turn invisible and walk away like I usually do."
"That's- partially my fault, I guess. You like cherry, apple or cola?"
Earlier that morning, Dallas woke up in her car, exhausted from driving all night. She knew she had crossed the Massachusets state line. She knew all she had was her car, her pistol, and the ebony half of the mask. Would the Kingpin pay for it? She knew QB Doom specified that the mask be brough to him in one piece. She checked the gun. One bullet left. That's all she needed to get some quick cash. Dallas put the mask and her gun in her knapsack and left her car in the parking lot she had spent the night in. She walked to the Gas&Gulp thinking "What a revolting development. I haven't knocked over a gas station since I was a kid."
Dallas pushed Jane and Daria aside, drew her gun and demanded all the money in the till.
"Boy, have you picked a bad time to hold up a store." said Jane. "Flame on!" She melted the gun
in Dallas's hand with a small fire ball.
"Why you goddammed bi-!" Daria cut Dallas off with a chop to the back of the neck.
"I'll call the police." said the man behind the counter.
Jane went through the unconscous woman's knapsack. "Wonder what this is?" she said of the
broken black mask.
"Looks like junk to me." said Daria.
"I'll use it in a found art sculpture. It can symbolize how we hide half of our psyche from the outside world- or something."
Jesse and Trent were practicing in Trent's basement. Jesse's hair had grown to ear length
in the past month. He had taken to wearing it in a pony-tail."Something wrong, Trent?" Jesse asked when Trent stopped halfway through "Ice-box Woman".
"I really fucked things up with Daria last night."
"What happened?"
"I-you know-thought with the wrong head."
"Hormone attack, huh? You didn't hurt her or anything?"
"Nah. I could never do that."
"Did you say you were sorry?"
"She wouldn't listen. She threw me off her and ran off. She went invisible so I couldn't
even find her. She probably hates me now." He sat on an old beanbag chair in abject misery.
"Trent, all I can say is you gotta talk to her. I know how /not/ to appologize. Believe me, I've heard enough from my dad. First off, don't try to lay any of the blame on her. Second, don't make excuses. Third, promise never to do it again and mean it."
"Thanks Jess. I'll do that next time I see her. I wish she'd loosen up a little, though. I want us both to enjoy being together."
"I wish I had your problem. Janey's always all over me. Even in public, it's kind of embarrassing. She gets upset when I don't get physical with her. I keep telling her it's not her, it's me." Jesse sighed "Wanna trade girlfriends?"
"Nah, I got a strict no incest rule."
Jane was up in her room working on her found art sculpture. Her glue gun had long since gone into retirement as Jane figured how to melt the glue sticks properly with her own hands. "I've got another problem, Jane." said Daria, sitting on the bed. "Puberty really did screw me over. If I keep rejecting Trent, it probably means I don't have the right hormones. I didn't even get my period until I was almost sixteen."
"Sixteen? I was twelve going on thirteen."
"Plus, it's always been irregular. Sometimes skipping a month. There's a good chance I can't have kids. It never bothered me 'cuz I don't like kids all that much anyway. But, you know how some guys can be about preserving their bloodlines."
"I don't think Trent's worried about that. The Lane bloodline isn't dying off anytime soon. Our sister Summer has two kids-somewhere. Our brother Wind is on the run from three or four paternity suits. Plus, Jesse and me have been talking...."
"About having a baby? Are you crazy?"
"Not right now. He told me last night that I've made him happier than he's ever been, and
he wants to spend his life with me."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. He told me I didn't have to answer right away. He also thinks it would be a good idea for me to finish school first. He'll understand if I want to go to college first."
"Have you been thinking about it?"
"Yeah. Jesse's the sweetest guy I've ever met. For some reason, I usually find myself in
relationships with dominating, manipulative jerks. Jesse's different. I'm not sure I want to be
with someone who will just want to watch MTV on our honeymoon, though. I guess I wouldn't mind
having kids. He says he loves kids, but isn't sure if he wants to take a dip in his gene pool."
"Considering that if you two had a child, it would probably be a mutant too."
"He's not worried about that. A kid who can bend and arch weld iron girders with his bare
hands isn't a problem. He's worried about breast cancer, alcoholism, suicidal depression...I think I found a place for the mask. Think you could hold it steady while I glue it in place?"
Daria got on the floor to help Jane. "Jane, I think this mask is broken off. See where the edge is kinda jagged?"
"Perfect symbolism." said Jane. "About the pain of being cut off from your better half. Now, hold it steady."
Meanwhile, in Highland, Texas, Beavis and Butt-Head marvelled over their souvenier. "Huhhuh, it's a mask." Butt-Head observed.
"Hey, let me look at it, buttwhipe!"
"No way, monkey spanker!"
Beavis grabbed the mask half Butt-Head was holding just as Daria and Jane touched their
half of the mask. All four experienced a brilliant flash of light.
"Did you see that, Jane?" asked Daria, blinking her eyes. She saw a familiar blonde teenage boy sitting next to her. "No! Not you! I left your dumb ass in Texas!"
"Excuse me, who are you?" asked Jane.
"Dammit, Beavis, don't you remember me? Daria Morgendorfer? The girl who kept you from
flunking science, again."
"Why did you call me 'Beavis'?" asked Jane.
"Cuz it's your name! God, I knew you were stupid, but I thought you'd know your own name.
What the hell are you doing here anyway?"
"Um, you say you're Daria, right?"
"Yeah."
"I'm Jane."
"Oh crap on a crap cracker."
Meanwhile, in Lawndale, Butt-Head found himself sitting on the floor with a cute girl with black hair. "Whoa! Chick ahoy! Hey, baby, huhhuh, wanna wrestle?"
"Dammit, Daria, I only do it with hot chicks!" Beavis said, reeling back.
"Why the hell did you call me Daria?"
"Cuz that's who you are. I thought you were supposed to be smart or something."
"Uh...let's just make out, babe. Glad that dillweed Beavis isn't around right now. Huh-huh, come to Butt-Head." Butt-Head tried to kiss Beavis. Beavis slapped him.
"I am Beavis, you bunghole!"
"Huh-huh, you're pretty hot for Beavis."
"Yeah, I am." said Beavis, taking a look at his new body. He took off Jane's shirt. "Whoa! I got thingies! Cool!" Beavis went to go pleasure himself infront of a mirror.
Butt-Head looked down Daria's shirt. "Dammit! I got ripped off! These thingies look like
the ones those tribeswomen in /National Geographic/ have. Uh-still kinda cool though."
In Highland, Daria and Jane tried to assess the situation. "OK," said Daria. "Let's try the Sherlock Holmes hypothosis. Elliminate the impossible and what ever's left is the truth, no matter how improbable. One, I seem to be trapped in the body of an old aquaintance named Butt-Head."
"Two," said Jane. "I seem to be stuck in the body of some guy you call Beavis."
"Three, we have posession of a mask half like the one you were putting in your sculpture.
It's white, and looks just like the black mask only it's for the other side of the face."
"I think it's made of ivory." said Jane, examining the mask. "It's got a jagged edge like
the other mask."
"So-our minds have been put in the bodies of Beavis and Butt-Head by this mask, probably
a mystic artifact of some kind."
"Wait a minute." said Jane. "If we're in the bodies of those two knuckleheads you told me
about, where are their minds?"
Daria suddenly felt sick.
After tiring of playing with their breasts and trashing Jane's sculpture, Beavis and Butt-Head went to the Lanes' living room and turned on Baywatch. Trent walked in. "Hey, Janey, think I could talk to Daria alone for a while?" Beavis said nothing, transfixed by Pamela Anderson jiggling in slow motion. "I get it." sighed Trent. "She told you what I did last night and now you're mad at me too. Fine, I can deal with the silent treatment. I guess anything I say to Daria I can say in front of you."
"Could you, like, not talk, or something?" said Butt-Head.
"Look, I don't blame you for being mad at me." Trent sat next to Butt-Head. "What I did last night was completly unexcusable. Daria, I've never felt this way about anyone, and I want this to work. I just want to say, I'm sorry." He put an arm around Daria's shoulder.
"Aaah!" shouted Butt-Head. "Don't touch me, you pervert!"
"Fine! Be like that!" Trent stormed off, hurt and angry.
"Uh, commercials suck." said Butt-Head. "Change it."
"Is Spider-Man peeking into high-rise apartments to watch people change clothes? The perverted arachnid on the next Sick, Sad, World!"
"Huh-huh, cool."
"So, what do we do now?" asked Jane.
"OK, let's not panic." said Daria. "I think this mask had something to do with it. I'd like to do some research."
"Do these guys have a computer?"
"Jane, these guys couldn't spell 'CD ROM', much less use one. They think the disk drive is a cupholder. Today's Saturday, school doesn't start untill Monday. If we hurry, we can get to the library before it closes."
"Do they have a car?"
"They have a couple of bikes and there's a bus stop at the Maxi-Mart down the street."
"Let's see if this guy has any change." Jane went into Beavis's pocket and pulled out a
dead frog. She screamed. "What the hell kinda weirdos are these freaks?" Daria went for the sofa
cushions. She found nacho crumbs, a used up cigarette lighter, the cover for last month's issue
of /Spank/ magazine, and a quarter. Butt-Head had a condom in one pocket, two dimes in the other.
"One more nickle and we'll have enough for one fare." said Daria. Jane found a nickle in Beavis's
pocket- along with a pack of Marlboros and a book of matches. "Do the world a favor, Jane." said
Daria. "Destroy those matches."
She put them in a half full can of soda. "Done."
"Let's look for more money." They searched untill they found a jar in the vast wasteland
in one of the bedrooms. It had a label that read "Butt-Head's munny doo nawt steele" The change
and bills added up to $9.74. "Let's go." Daria pocketed the cash.
Jane followed Daria to the Maxi-Mart. "Ya, know," said Jane, "I always wondered what it would be like to be a guy."
"What's the verdict?"
"Underrated. While you were looking for money, I slipped off to the bathroom. Let's just
say I was better endowed as a girl and leave it at that."
As they waited by the bus stop a trashy looking Pinto sped into the parking lot. "Oh, no," moaned Daria. "Not this guy."
"Hey there, little girls." said Todd.
If he only knew how close to the truth he was. thought Daria.
"Whatcha doin'?" asked Todd.
"Um, nothing." said Daria.
"Oh, You freaks are doing something. You're gonna give me your money."
"Get bent, asshole." said Jane.
Todd grabbed Jane by Beavis's scrawny pencil neck. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME,
YOU LITTLE SHIT-HEAD?!" Jane took advantage of her position and kicked Todd square in the 'nads.
He went down squealing like a girl. Daria concked him on the head with a nearby brick. The bus
came just in time. "That was scary." said Jane. "Espacially since we don't have our super-powers."
At the library, Daria approached the librarian's desk. "We need to schedule time on the
internet, Mrs. Phelps." Daria said to the bespectacled old lady.
"Do I know you boys?" she asked.
Daria realized her slip up. Of course Mrs. Phelps wouldn't know who Beavis and Butt-Head
are. "Uh, one of your aides told me your name."
Mrs. Phelps looked at her notebook. "I can get you down for one hour at four. Do you want
seperate computers?"
"No thanks, just one."
"See you in five minutes."
They sat at a table to wait. "You know her?" asked Jane.
"Mrs. Phelps has been the librarian here for 50 years. My first summer job was helping her shelve books." Daria sighed. "She's the only person from Highland who I really miss. It would be nice to sit and talk with her a while but...."
"It would be to hard to explain."
When they got their time on the internet Daria typed the words 'black and white mask' into the search engine. "Wait!" said Jane. "Check this out!" She pointed to a news link that read
"Valuable Mask Stolen From New York Museum." Daria clicked on it.
--On April 20th, a valuable mask, believed to have originated with the !B'Hong people of the Kallihari, was stolen from the New York Cultural Museum. "That mask is absolutly priceless!," said curator Alice Brandon. "Not only was it made of the purest ivory and rarest ebony, but the craftsmanship of the reclusive !B'Hongs is unmatchable!"--
"Daria? What's the exclamation point for?"
"I've read about Kallihari natives. Anthropologists use the exclamation point to symbolize a tongue click. It's used a lot in their language."
Jane clicked Beavis's tongue. "Like that?"
"Kinda. Back to the story."
--The costumed character known as "Spider-Man" was reportedly seen in the area. "He's a menace!" said J. Jonah Jameson, editor for /The Daily Bugel/. "I lay you odds he stole the mask! That Spider-Man is nothing but trouble!"
"There were no fingerprints." said NYPD police chief Andrew Sipowitz. "And we suspect the perpetrator came in through the sunroof. No footprins either. The thief could very well have been this Spider-Man, or just someone who saw /Mission Impossible/ too many times."--
An AP photo of the mask followed. "That looks just like it!" said Jane. "Only, in one piece."
"I'm pretty sure Spider-Man didn't steal the mask." said Daria. "It had to have been that
blonde woman we caught robbing the Gas&Gulp."
"But how did Beavis and Butt-Head get their hands on it?" asked Jane.
Just then, a stocky boy with blond hair wearing a Winger T-shirt approached them. "Hi, guys!" he said. "I don't think I've ever seen you in the library before."
"Uh, go away, Stewart." said Daria.
"Wasn't spring break rad?" asked Stewart. "I'm real glad you guys could come on the trip to New York with us, even if you didn't pay."
"Um, did you say New York?" asked Jane.
"Yeah, you guys were there. You spit off the side of the Chrysler Building and made armpit noises all through /Les Miz/. It was cool! What are you checking out on the web? I was just reading about this awesome new /StarFighter/ game that's coming out soon."
"Uh, we gotta go." said Daria. "Bye, Stewart."
"Can I come over and hang with you guys later?" asked Stewart.
"Uh, maybe tomorrow."
"Really? Wow! OK, see you then!"
"That guy reminds me of Danny, sort of." said Jane.
"That's what Danny would be like with no positive role models." said Daria.
Meanwhile, back in Lawndale, Baywatch had gone off. "I gotta go to the bathroom." said Butt-Head. He left Beavis in the living room. The doorbell rang. Beavis answered it. A tall, muscular man with a light brown pony-tail was there bearing a box of candy. "Hi, Jane." he said, comming in. "I brought you something."
"Whoa! Cool! Chocolate!" said Beavis.
"Lady Godiva Truffles." said Jesse. "I know they're your favorite." Beavis ripped off the
paper, sat on the couch, and stuffed truffle after truffle into Jane's mouth. "Janey," said Jesse. "I've been thinking about how you said you wanted me to be more romantic. Physically. You're right, I should try harder." Beavis started to quiver as he devoured the truffles. "When I don't get all touchy with you, it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you. Believe me, I am." Well, not right now. he thought, watching his beloved make a pig of herself. "I think it's the MRI inhibitors I'm on. They can really mess up your libido."
"A mosquito, my libido!" sang Beavis.
"Um, yeah. I'm trying to wean myself off them."
"Huh-huh, wean."
"I'm thinking of switching from topical vitamin E to pill form. I hear that improves performance. Janey, all I want in the world is to make you happy."
"Are you threatening me?"
"No! I mean yes! um,um...."
"I am the Great Cornholio! I must have trrrruffles! Truffles for my bunghole!" Beavis pulled Jane's shirt collar over her head and left the room. Jesse was very confused.
Beavis went into Trent's room. Trent was lying face down on the bed. "I am Cornholio!" said Beavis. "Have you any truffles? Have you any TP? My bunghole must not get polio!"
"I know what you're trying to do, Janey." said Trent. "You know I'm upset about Daria and
you're acting silly to cheer me up. Thanks, but it's not working."
"Cornholioooooooo!" sang Beavis, leaving the room. "I need trrrruffles! I have no bunghoooole! The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!"
Butt-Head came out of the bathroom. "Huh-huh, hey, Beavis. Did you know that we can pee
sitting down now? It's pretty cool."
"Is there any TP?" asked Beavis.
"Uh, Yeah."
"I must have TP!" Beavis went in the bathroom and took out a large roll. "My bunghole must be pleased so as not to incur a pox on oleo! Bunga bunga bunga!" Beavis ran into Jesse on the way down stairs. "Have you any more trrrruffles? Trrrruffles for my bunghole?" Jesse glared at him for a second, then shook his head and went upstairs. "A pox upon thy firstborn! I must have trrruffles, or your oleo will get polio! Bungholioooooooo! I come from Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!"
"Hey, Trent," said Jesse. "Can I borrow your car?"
Trent grabbed his keys. "I can drive you somewhere if you want."
"I don't wanna go anywhere. I just need your car for a sec."
They went downstairs. Beavis was holding his TP close while slurping a can of Jolt cola he found in the fridge-trembling all the way. Butt-Head was engorsed in an infomercial for Thighmaster. Not Daria's usual fare, Trent mused.
Outside, Jesse crawled under Trent's Ford and started doing bench presses. "I'll understand if you don't wanna spot me." he said.
"You upset about something, Jess?"
"What makes you (ugh) think that (ugh) something is (ugh) wrong?"
"You always lift weights when you're upset."
Jesse let the car rest on the pavement. "Your sister has turned completely psycho. I got her her favorite truffles and started getting romantic when she announced she was the great Cornholio and started prophesizing these great plagues."
"Yeah, she came to my room and did the same thing. I thought it was a joke. You know, Daria's been acting weird too. I can understand if she's mad at me, but I thought she'd at least listen to me. Plus, she's been watching things on TV she doesn't usually watch. Baywatch, infomercials..."
"Maybe they're both having that PMS thing."
"Nah, I've seen PMS. This isn't PMS."
"What is it then?"
"Fucking weird, that's what it is."
"I am Cornholio!" shouted Beavis, stepping outside. "Flesh will burn and rot for the sake
of the all mighty Bunghole! Huhhuh, burn! Burn! BURN! BUUUUUUUURRRRRRN!" His body flamed on.
"Whoa! Cool! Fire! Fire! FIRE! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!!!!!!" He flew off into the sky.
"To the Batmobile, Robin." said Trent. "And bring a fire estiguisher."
They went inside to get the extinguisher. Butt-Head sat on the couch in a stupor. The living room was littered with streamers of toilet paper. "What the FUCK?!" said Trent.
"Huh-huh, you said fuck." laughed Butt-Head.
"We'll discuss this later." Jesse got the extinguisher.
Beavis flew over the city, unleashing torents of fire. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" he chanted, laying waste to everything in sight. The townspeople ran in panic, wondering why Flamin' Jane had suddenly gone berserk. Beavis landed. "I am the Great Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! You must bring me truffles or this city will burn like the flames of Hell!"
"Yo! Cornhole!" shouted Trent. He had Beavis's attention long enough to drench Jane's body in thick white foam.
"Foam can no stop the Great Cornholio! You shall bow before me!" In a frenzy, Beavis rushed Jesse. "Give me my tribute of trrruffles!" Jesse caught Beavis, held him up and looked at him for a moment, then knocked him out cold.
"Jesse, you finally did it." said Trent. "You hit a girl. And Janey at that."
"Whatever that is, it's not Janey."
"For all we know, it's probably not even a girl." Jesse lugged Beavis over his shoulder and returned to the car.
Meanwhile, Butt-Head got bored with the TV and went outside. He walked down the sidewalk.
Dammit, where's the Maxi-Mart? he wondered. He crossed paths with Brittany.
"Hi Daria!" she squeaked. "How was spring break?"
"Whoa! Huhhuh, hey baby."
"Daria, did you just call me baby?" Butt-Head chuckled and reached out and grabbed Brittany's shirt. He wished it was see-through, and lo and behold it was. "Eep!" Brittany tried in vain to cover her huge breasts with her hands. "Daria, why'd you do that? Are you like, a Lebanese or something?"
"Huh-huh, come to Butt-Head." Brittany screamed and ran away.
In Highland, Daria and Jane wondered what they were going to do with their knowledge. "OK," said Daria. "We know this was caused by the mask. It probably has something to do with touching it. The other half of the mask is in Lawndale, where those two morons are probably inhabiting our bodies."
"I feel dirty thinking about it." said Jane.
"When we get to their house you can go whack off if it will make you feel better."
"How do we get back to Lawndale? Butt-Head's cash isn't going to take us far."
Before Daria could answer, Todd showed up with his gang. "You little panty wusses like to kick people in the balls, huh?" he asked, as the gang members readied their bats and blackjacks. "How 'bout my boys kick /you/ in the balls!"
Daria and Jane ran for it. Jane followed Daria's lead. She knew the neighborhood better.
Daria scaled a fence, Jane followed. The gang tore the fence down. A shot fired in the air.
A portly older man stood on his back porch armed with a rifle. "Leave my goddammed fence alone
you little hoodlums!" he yelled. "Or you'll get the business end of Ole Bessy, I tell you what!"
"Aw, fuck this." said one of the gang members. They left.
"Th-thanks Mr. Anderson." Daria panted. Jane was wheazing uncontrollably.
"You boy's otta learn to defend yerselves." said Mr. Anderson. "C'mon in, the Mizzus made
some lemonade this morning."
Jane collapsed on the couch inside as Mr. Anderson got the lemonade. "Da-daria," she gasped.'Wh-what's wrong? I-I can't-can't," she she fought for air. "Can't breathe."
"Beavis doesn't go jogging like you." said Daria. "And he tries to smoke."
"Tr-tries?"
"No hand/eye co-ordination." Daria was only a little out of breath. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but her lifestyle was almost as sedantary as Butt-Head's. True, she would rather read or write than watch soft-core porn and she got up to fight crime when she had to.
"Here you go boys." Mr. Anderson served the lemonade. Jane gulped the whole glass down.
"Mr. Anderson," said Daria. "Could I borrow your phone please? It's a collect call."
"Well, as long as it's collect, go on ahead."
Daria made a collect call to Jane's house. Trent and Jesse just got home with Beavis when
the phone rang. Trent answered and accepted the charges.
"Trent, it really is me. I'm in Texas."
"You just don't sound like Daria." he said. "You sound like a guy."
"It's me. I can't really explain."
"If you're really Daria, tell me something only she would know."
"Last night we had an argument at the drive-in."
"Who is it?" asked Jesse.
"It's Daria and Jane," said Trent. "I think."
"Let me talk." He took the phone. "Hello?"
"Jesse, it's me, Daria."
Didn't sound like her. "Could you put Jane on?"
Daria gave Jane the phone. "Hi Jesse."
"You don't sound like Jane."
"But I am. It's a long story."
"Tell me something only Jane would know."
"You have a birthmark on your hieny shaped like a bunny rabbit."
"It's her, alright." Jesse said to Trent, giving back the phone. Trent and Daria comtinued the conversation.
"Well, we caught Jane before she burned down the town. I don't think it is Jane."
"It's not. Jane's with me. It's Beavis."
"Who?"
"This guy I knew in Highland. Complete pyro. What about-me?"
"You-or whover it was- isn't here. We left-it-here at home to catch Beavis."
"You have to stop him before he hurts someone- not to mention ruin my reputation."
"Sure, we'll just tie Beavis up so he doesn't go anywhere."
"Good. Here's what you gotta do when you catch him. In Jane's room you'll find a black half of a mask. Get Beavis and Butt-Head to touch it at the same time. Jane and I will both touch the other half of the mask about- 10 PM. That should give you enough time to catch Butt-Head. That should put everyone back in their right bodies."
"Will do. Hey, Daria?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm real sorry. About last night."
"We'll discus this when I get back."
"Bye."
"Bye" Daria hung up. "Thanks, Mr. Anderson." said Daria. "We gotta go."
"Anytime boys." Boy I tell ya, he thought as the two left. Those boys can be down right
polite when they wanna be. Maybe they changed their ways.
"I can't believe that guy just fired a gun in the middle of a neighborhood." said Jane.
"Welcome to Texas." said Daria.
In Lawndale, Trent hung up the phone. "She and Jane are OK, but they're in Texas and stuck in the bodies of two guys named Beavis and Butt-Head."
"And they're in Daria and Jane's bodies." Jesse concluded.
"We better shut this guy away somewhere and go look for Butt-Head. He's in Daria's body."
"Cool." Jesse carried Beavis to Jane's room. Trent followed. Jesse laid Jane's foam covered and unconscous body on the bed and went through a nightstand drawer. He brought out a pair of furry handcuffs. "Those look familiar." said Trent.
"Uh-yeah-me and Jane got some-uh-toys."
"I think I'm going to be sick." Trent said as Jesse cuffed Beavis to the bedpost. "We need to look for a black mask in here."
"Let's try that pile of junk." He indicated the sculpture that the two miscreants destroyed. They sifted through the wreckage untill they found what they wanted.
"Now to find Butt-Head."
Butt-Head was walking down the street, still looking for the Maxi-Mart or at least another chick. Quinn approached. "Daria! Where the hell have you been?"
"Whoa! You're that babe Quinn!"
"Well, duh! Mom says it's time for dinner. Boy, are you ever gonna get it! Mom's mad that
you've been gone all day."
"Uh, I'm gonna 'get it'?"
"Stop being a bigger dufus than usual, Daria, and come home!"
"Uh, OK." Butt-Head went home with Quinn.
"And just where have you been all day, young lady?" Helen demanded.
"Uh- huh-huh."
"Never mind. Just sit down and eat dinner."
"Cool! Lasagna!" Butt-Head dug in. "Huh-huh! I'm cutting the cheese!"
"EEeeew!" said Quinn.
"Daria, that was rude." said Helen. "Say you're sorry."
"You're sorry."
"Oh, that was funny," said Quinn. "when I was six!"
"So, Daria," said Jake, getting in on the conversation. "How are things with you and Trent?" Butt-Head ignored him and stuffed lasagna in Daria's mouth.
"That guy's a loser." said Quinn. "Let's face it, any guy who would ignore me and go out with Daria has to have something wrong with him."
"Quinn, don't say those things in front of your sister!" said Helen. "She has many fine
qualities that a boy would be interested in, such as-um....well...her,uh...hmmmm...." She honestly couldn't think of one thing. The doorbell rang. Helen got up to answer it. It was Trent.
"Is Daria here?" he asked.
"We're having dinner right now. If you don't mind, this is a family event." She started to shut the door. Trent tried to stop her.
"Please, Mrs. Morgendorfer, it's very important."
"Any puppy-love quarrels you've had can just wait untill after dinner."
"Is that Trent?" said Jake. "Bring him in! I made enough lasagna for everyone!"
Trent was seated next to Butt-Head. Trent found he didn't have much of an appetite. He tried not to glare at the thing that was a mockery of Daria.
"So, Trent," said Jake. "Found a job yet?"
"I'm making good money in the band." he said "We've got three gigs next week."
"You're not still doing that whole hero thing are you?" asked Helen.
"What can I say? Whenever there's trouble, we stop it."
"Well, I don't like it." said Helen. "The law is perfectly clear on vigilanteism."
"It's called citizen's arrest." said Trent. "It's all legal. And if you don't like super
heros, why did you defend Jesse?"
"We're talking completely different circumstances here. Look, Trent, all I want in the world is for Daria to be a normal, happy, teenaged girl."
"Like me!" said Quinn.
"Yes, exactly!" said Helen. "Like Quinn."
Butt-Head finished the lasagna and let out a huge belch. "C'mon, Daria," said Trent. "We've gotta go." He grabbed Daria's wrist.
"Aah! Don't touch me, Asswhipe!" The Morgendorfers were taken aback. Since when did Daria
say things like "Asswhipe"?
"Trent, I think you'd better leave." said Helen.
"But..."
"Now!"
"Yes ma'am." Trent had no choice. The Morgendorfers would never believe his explanation.
Jesse was waiting outside.
"Dude, what took you so long?" he asked.
"I had to stay for dinner."
"Cool, did you bring me anything? I'm kinda hungry." Trent just glared at him.
"I'm gonna do a stake out here and sneak in through Daria's bedroom when I can. You go home and guard Beaver or whatever his name is."
"Cool." Jesse left. Trent found some brush to hide in while he kept an eye on Daria's window. He waited patiently untill he saw the familiar shadow. He started stretching up to the window. Within, Butt-Head was going through Daria's underwear drawer.
"Huh-huh," he laughed, fingering the unmentionables. "Granny panties. Huh-huh, A-cups."
"Drop the drawers, pervert!" said Trent, hoisting himself inside.
"You're a pervert, peckerwood!"
"Listen, this isn't your body. Come with me and I'll set everything the way it's supposed to be."
"Huh-huh, no way! Being a chick is cool. I can sit down to take a whiz. I got two thingies to play with, even if they are flat.And maybe I can-you know- get some lesbo-action!"
"C'mon, you gotta admit being a guy has its advantages. You can grow a little facial hair
like me and still look cool. Chick's gotta shave everything. If a guy wants to go swimming all
he has to do is take off his shirt and dive in. A chick would get arrested for doing that. Plus,
why do you think lines to the ladies' room are so long?"
"Uh- cuz they put on make-up and crap?"
"No, girls can't use urinals. That's right, pal. No more playing 'Melt the Ice' for you."
"That sucks! I wanna be a dude again!"
"Great. Just come with me." Trent carried Butt-Head out the window. "We gotta be at my house in..." He checked his watch. "Crap! Ten minutes!"
Trent gunned the motor. He found Jesse in the living room sharing some Burger World takeout with Beavis. "Jesse, it's nearly ten! We gotta..."
"Calm down, Trent." said Jesse. "They're in Texas, right?"
"Right."
"We're an hour ahead of them. Time zones and stuff."
"Oh, yeah. Completely forgot about that."
"I got you a WorldBurger with extra pickles, the way you like it."
"Thanks, man." Trent unwrapped his burger.
"Where's mine?" asked Butt-Head.
"I got you and your friend Smily Meals." said Jesse. "They're cheap and they come with toys."
"You didn't have to bother." said Trent.
"Even prisoners get to eat." said Jesse. "Besides, I don't want the girls to come back to
hungry bodies."
"Um, I hafta use the bathroom." said Beavis.
"I'll show you where it is." Jesse was going to escort Beavis to make sure he didn't run
away. He waited outside the bathroom for fifteen minutes. "Hey, what's taking so long?" Jesse
peeked in. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
Trent became concerned. Jesse seldom raised his voice that loud. He saw Jesse drag a half
naked Beavis (Jane's body, actually) out of the bathroom and to Jane's bedroom. "C'mon, dude!"
said Beavis. "You know you'd do it!" Jesse handcuffed him back to the bed.
"This should keep your damn hands off my girlfriend's body!"
"Uh-it's like, they're her hands, not mine."
"Whatever." He threw a cover over Jane's body.
"It's almost eleven." said Trent. "They hafta be touching the mask at the same time."
Jesse put the mask in Jane's fingers and made Butt-Head touch it. Meanwhile, in Highland,
Daria and Jane were on the couch with the white mask half. "Here goes everything." Daria said as
she and Jane grabbed the mask. A simular flash of light. Daria and Jane were in Jane's room.
"Why the hell am I chained up and naked!?" Jane demanded.
"Beavis was trying to molest you." said Jesse.
"Jesse, you untie Jane. Daria and I need to talk alone." They left, Daria carrying the mask.
"OK, Jess." said Jane. "You can take the cuffs off now." He grinned at her mischiviously.
"Um, Jesse?" He laid down next to her. "Jesse, what are you do-" He cut her off with a passionate kiss.
"Look, Trent," said Daria. "I know you really wanna talk about where our relationship is going, but, we need to think about what to do with this mask first." There was a knock at the door. Trent answered. The caller was a tall black man in an unseasonal overcoat. His head was shaved and covered in tribal tattoos simular to the markings on the mask.
"I am here for the mask of the !B'Hong tribe." he said in a rich accented voice. "I am their shaman. I sensed it's power here."
"You mean this?" Daria showed him the ebony half of the mask.
The shaman was horrified. "You broke it?"
"No, it was like this when we found it."
The shaman shook his head. "Is very, very bad fortune to break sacred mask. My people use
this mask in a private comming of age ceremony. It was stolen from us a year ago. I have been
searching ever since. It is far too dangerous to be in the hands of the white man."
"In other words," said Daria. "We are not ready for Mogwai. Here's your mask back."
"Lay it on the table. I will pick it up." They did. "It will not do for us to touch mask
at same time. I believe the proper word in your culture is 'thank you'. Now, I must search for
the ivory half."
"Try Highland, Texas." Daria suggested.
"I will."
"Nice tats." said Trent, who had been admiring the markings on the shaman's head.
"Yours are good as well. Maori? I have studied them. Yours is a right of passage mark. So, who is the lucky girl?" He looked at Daria.
"Lucky girl?" asked Trent.
"Of course. Your tattoo means that not only does your tribe see you as an adult, but you
have chosen a bride." Trent's jaw dropped. "Don't worry, you are not Maori, so it may not matter.
I must go now." The shaman was gone as quickly as he came.
"Well, that's done with." said Trent.
"Yeah." said Daria.
"I'm still sorry about last night." he said. "Sometimes, I.." A strange noise from upstairs interrupted him.
"What the hell was that?" asked Daria. "Sounded like Jane."
"The only thing that sounds like that is a girl having an...oh gross." Trent shuddered.
"It is kinda creepy. Let's leave."
Trent drove to nowhere in particular with Daria riding shotgun. "If you just don't like me," said Trent. "I'll back off and leave you alone." he finally said.
"No." Daria said emphaticly. "Trent, I love you." He brought the car to a hault. "You heard me, I love you. And I'm afraid if you see how ugly I really am, you might loose interest in me."
"Daria, you're not ugly."
"Sure. When I was a kid and boys threw rocks at me and called me Frankenstein, it was only because they were mesmerized by my awesome beauty. And don't feed me that cock-and-bull story about the Ugly Duckling. I got a mirror. I know what I look like. I'm not a swan. I'm an ugly duck. Know why I keep my hair long and wore skirts before I took up crime fighting? Back in middle school, people mistook me for a boy. Apparantly, boys who look like girls are cute but girl who look like boys are just fugly. I had girls flirt with me and get angry when I told them I was really a girl. My family is ashamed of me because I'm not cute and friendly like Quinn."
"They should get Quinn to be more like you." said Trent. "And I'd like to see you in skirts more often. They look cute on you."
"Nothing looks cute on me. I got knobby knees and flabby thighs. Plus, they're just not
practical for crime fighting."
"I still think you're beautiful."
"You don't have to lie to me."
"Daria, I love the girl who taught me how to laugh, who accepted me despite my faults, and just made me a better person."
Daria grabbed Trent and kissed him. They kissed in silence for a long time. Daria broke it off. "Let's see," she said. "My parents are at my house. Jane and Jesse are having fun at your
house. You got money for a motel?"
"You mean you wanna..." Trent whipped out his wallet. Enough for one night, and enough left over for a small box of condoms. He silently thanked any gods that might be listening.
EPILOGUE:
The next day in Highland.
"Hey, Beavis, huh-huh, whaddya wanna do today?"
"Um, homework?"
Butt-Head stared at Beavis and realized it was a joke. They both laughed moronically. The
doorbell rang. "Get the door, ass munch." said Butt-Head.
"You get it, fart knocker! It's your house!"
Stewart let himself in. "Hey guys! Wanna play video games?"
"Uh, go away, Stewart!" said Butt-Head.
"But, you said I could hang with you guys."
"When the hell did we say that?" asked Beavis.
"Yesterday, at the library."
"We never go to the library, dumb ass!" said Butt-Head. "Too many words and stuff."
"Yeah." said Beavis. "We were turned into chicks yesterday."
Stewart laughed. "That's funny, guys!" There was a knock at the door. Stewart let in the shaman.
"I have come for the ivory half of the mask of the !B'Hong." he said.
"Huh-huh," laughed Butt-Head. "You said 'bong'."
"Uh, you mean this?" Beavis held up the mask.
"I'll get it." said Stewart, reaching for the mask.
"NO!" shouted the shaman, too late.
"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh." laughed Stewart.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
It'th all over, Lane! You'll pay for the thuffering you've cauthed me!
OK, that's enough saki for you, mister.
Danny is so damn grounded.
Violence, nudity, it's all good!
If I don't come back, feed Nibbles for me.
(A/N): Umm, do I have to list the credits for /Les Miserables/ again? Nah. OK, I get it. You don'tlike musicals. Neither do Beavis and Butthead. They would probably like the crude humor of the"Master of the House" number. (Huh-huh, master.) Here's their review for /Phantom of the Opera/
Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis. Huh-huh. This chick is singing about a guy who comes in her dreams.
Beavis: Huh-huh. I always come in my dreams. Huh-huh.
Butt-Head: That Christine chick, is like, hot and stuff. But, she should, like, not sing.
Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! And she should wear less clothes. That would be cool!
Butt-Head: They should make a mucus-cal where the chicks don't sing or wear any clothes.
Beavis: Yeah! That would rule! And get rid of that dumb-ass guy with the mask!
Butt-Head: Huh-huh, he's got a big pole. Huh-huh.
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" belongs to Kurt Kobain. Is it OK for me to use his songs? Oh, nevermind. Spider-Man is property of Marvel comics. Beavis and Butt-Head belong to Mike Judge and he can keep them. Dallas and Muddy are from B&BDA. I also hope no one got confused by this body swap story. Hard to imagine Daria and Jane acting like Beavis and Butt-Head. And vice versa.