Fanfiction Four X: $la$her$
It started one night at the Zen. Mystic Spiral was performing on stage. Daria and Jane were
discussing a school project.
"Maybe Trent can help us write some background music for the program." Jane suggested.
"I don't wanna ask him." said Daria. "This computer programming project is pretty lame."
"Yeah," agreed Jane. "But then, compared to saving the town for the umpteenth time, everything
seems pretty lame. Why do we even bother?"
"Cuz if we didn't, we wouldn't be heroes."
"I'm getting another soda." Jane went back to the bar. She noticed a boy her age sipping a
drink and winking at her. Oh puh-leeze, she thought. Does he really think that shit turns women on?
"Hi there." he said to her. "I'm Tom. Do you like convertables?"
"Can it creep. I'm spoken for."
"So?" said Tom. "I've got a girlfriend, but I'll throw her away in a minute for a cutie like you."
"Yeah, well my boyfriend is here tonight. He's on stage."
Tom glanced at the stage. "Which one is he? The long haired fag or the tattooed freak?"
"The 'tattooed freak' is my brother. Care to score any more points with me?"
"Look, I'm sorry. What I said was way out of line. Let me make it up to you by buying you dinner."
"Go to Hell, loser."
Tom chuckled. "I don't think you understand." he said, putting an unwanted hand on hers.
"You see, when I want something, I get it. Always."
"Flame on." Jane growled.
Tom briefly wondered why she said "Flame on" and not two words with the same initials. Then
he was aware of a painful burning sensation in the hand he had placed on her. He yelped, pulling
away. He quickly removed himself from Jane's presence. He passed Jesse as he was leaving the stage.
"Janey," he said. "Was that punk bothering you?"
"I took care of him, hon." she kissed him. Trent and Daria came up and they all chatted a
while. Soon, a large Asian man approached them.
"Pardon me," he said. "Am I addressing the Formidable Four?"
"That's us." said Trent.
The man offered a business card to Trent with a bow. "I am Toshiro Ingaki. Will you come
with me please? My limo is outside."
"Huddle!" Trent announced. The group huddled up to discus the situation. Trent showed everyone
the card. It was Japanese on one side, English on the other. The English side read "Toshiro Ingaki,
Executive Producer, TokyoTV"
"We can't just go off with some guy we just met." said Daria.
"Relax, Daria." said Jane. ''We've got super-powers, remember?"
"Still smells fishy to me."
"Maybe he wants us to be on some Japanese talk show." Jesse suggested.
"When we can't even get on Ricki Lake in our country?" said Daria.
"Here's my suggestion." said Trent. "We go with this guy. We stay alert. If he tries anything,
we'll waste him- four on one sounds like
good odds. We'll hear him out and stay cool. Agreed?"
"Cool." said Jesse.
"Sounds like a plan." said Jane.
"What the hell." sighed Daria.
They followed Mr. Ingaki to his limosine. When they were all seated, Ingaki gave an order
to his chaufer in Japanese. As they drove, Ingaki opened the wet bar. "Some saki, gentlemen?"
"No thanks." said Jesse.
"I'm game." Trent shrugged. Ingaki smiled ironicly as he served Trent the saki.
"What about us?" said Jane.
"I know the laws of your country. No saki for you."
"Don't you think it was rude to offer it, then?" asked Daria.
"Where I come from," Ingaki said stiffly. "men come first. Women come second."
"And sometimes not at all." Trent quipped.
"OK, that's enough saki for you, mister." said Jane.
The limo stopped at a hotel. Ingaki took them to his suite. "Ladies and gentlemen," he began.
"I trust you are familiar with a Japanese game show known as /Slashers/?" They nodded. "We recently
began showing this in America with very good results. Now, we wish to increase our ratings by
adding mutants such as yourselves to the contestant list."
"Wait," said Daria. "You're asking us to be on some dumb game show?"
Ingaki glared at her. "The show is /not/ dumb! Now, if you can be quiet long enough, I'd
like to show you a promotional video made exclusivly for the four of you." He put a video in the
player. A scantly clad Asian woman appeared on the screen. "Komichi wa, Formidale Four!" she shouted,
waving enthusiasticaly. "I am Miho Taguchi, hostess of /Slashers/! We got good show for you! /Slashers/,
the most incredible game show to hit the air waves wants you, yes /you/, to be contestants! Yay!" she applauded.
"Why do I miss Brittany all of a sudden?" asked Daria. Ingaki shushed her.
"Many, many people want to be on /Slashers/." Miho continued. "We have waiting list up to
two year, but you are who we choose! Aren't we nice? And, should you survive, you win 6 million
dollar American! Yes, 6 million!" The number flashed at the bottom of the screen.
"Should we survive?" repeated Jane. Ingaki shushed her.
"Let us take a quick look at what our game show is all about."
What followed was the most disgusting trailer of guts and gore they had ever seen. Jesse ran
to the restroom and became violently sick. The other three were horrified and felt a distinct loss
of self-respect just watching the video. When it was over, Ingaki pressed rewind and asked
"So, what will it be?".
"Do we look fucking nuts to you?!" Daria exploded.
"Keep a civil tongue in your mouth, woman!" Ingaki barked.
"You watch what you say to her." said Trent. "In this country, we treat women with a little respect."
"I'm outie." said Jane.
"I think we all are." said Trent.
"As they say on your game shows, is that your final answer?" He formed his fingers into the chuch-and-steeple pose.
"It's our only answer." said Daria.
"Suppose I raise the prize to 7 million?"
"Forget it." said Jane. "There isn't enough money in the world." She went to Jesse. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah, cool." he lied.
"You will change your minds." said Ingaki, flexing his fingers together.
"Guess again." said Trent as the four of them left.
Ingaki took out his cell phone. "Mr. Arcade San," he said. "The Formidibale Four refused the offer.
They said there isn't enough money in the world."
"If they will not be swayed by money," said Arcade. "You must find another way to make them play
our game. There must be something they would risk life and limb for."
"More often than not, Arcade San, it is someONE."
The next night Daria was in an on-line chat with her Aunt Amy.
--amybark_2000: Hey! How's my favorite neice?
--miserychick: Jane and I are working on a computer program as a school project. Like
everything else at school it sucks. :P
--amybark_2000: Just keep saying to yourself "It's only 4 years, it's only 4 years." ;)
--miserychick: Not that long. Senior year is next year. I'm so glad I'm dating Trent. If
I had to go all through high school as the dateless loser I'd shoot myself.
--amybark_2000: Daria, do you think it's a good idea to define yourself by who or if you
date?
--miserychick: Geez, you're making me sound like Quinn!
--amybark_2000: I was a dateless loser all through high school. And college. Now I'm the
unmarried loser. But I'm an unmarried loser getting a huge paycheck from DuPont.
--miserychick: I think I'd like more than just cash out of life.
--amybark_2000: You do what's right for you. I know you'll come out on top. LYL
--miserychick: Ditto. CUL8R.
The next morning, Amy was carjacked on her way to work at DuPont labs.
Later that afternoon, Danny Moreno adjourned a meeting of the school's computer club. He
repacked his bookbag and walked out to where his bike was chained. He hadn't rode far when a
hand clasped over his mouth.
Meanwhile, at a bed and breakfast in Athens, Greece, the Lanes were told they had an emergency
phone call from one of their children in the States. No one was on the line. They never got a clear
look at the two thugs who blackjacked them.
The next day Daria and Jane walked home from school. "I wish there was someway just to skip the
whole damn project." said Daria. Trent drove up, Jesse riding shotgun.
"Hey girls." said Trent. "Either of you seen Danny? Jesse says he didn't come home last night."
"He wasn't at school today." said Jane.
"Like a ride?" The girls got in.
"Danny is so damn grounded." said Jesse.
"You'd ground your own brother?" asked Jane.
"I was up all night worrying about him. He never pulls stunts like this."
"Remember," said Trent, "With Jesse, grounding can mean picking him up and pounding him into
the ground." Daria had an uneasy feeling.
"Never pulls stunts like this." she repeated. "Last time I heard that phrase was when Jodi was...."
Before she could finish, a limo pulled up beside them. The tinted window rolled down revealing
Ingaki's face. "Pull over in this lot." he said to Trent. "We must talk."
Jesse felt his blood run cold. Did this man have something to do with his brother's disapearance?
The Formidable Four found themselves back in Ingaki's limo. "Saki?" he politly offered.
"Cut the bull, Ingaki." said Trent.
Ingaki smiled. "Do you know what this is?" he gestured to a laptop with a camera hook-up.
"A lap-top computer, duh." said Daria. "My parents only have a dozen at home."
"And that's a web-cam." said Jesse, indicating the hook-up. "Danny got one for his birthday."
Ingaki typed in some commands and pointed the camera towards himself. A masked man appeared
on the computer screen. He looked like a mideval executioner. "Everything is in readiness, Mr. Ingaki."
"Yoshi." said Ingaki. "Executioner, may I present the Formibable Four." he panned them with the
camera. "Soon to be featured on /Slashers/."
"We said we're not doing your cruddy show!" said Daria.
"Really now? Your Aunt Amy puts 'LYL' in her I-messages to you. Short for 'love you lots'.
Do you truly return those feelings?"
"You-you hacked into our chat? What have you done with her?!"
"Show them, Executioner." The masked figure stepped aside to show Amy shackled to a brick wall.
"Aunt Amy!"
"Forget about me, Daria." said Amy. "Don't fall into this creep's trap."
The camera panned to Danny, also shackled to the wall.
"Danny!" cried Jesse.
"Jesse," Danny's lips trembled. "Jesse, I'm scared."
The camera panned to Amanda and Vincent Lane, also fettered.
"Mom and Dad?" Jane and Trent chorused.
"Uh, hi kids." Amanda said weakly.
"Um, long time no see?" Said Vincent.
"They are safe, for now." said Ingaki. "It would behoove you to co-operate."
"And if we kill you now?" Jane readied a fire ball.
"You'll never see your loved ones again." Ingaki said matter of factly.
"Fine." said Daria. "We'll play your stupid game."
"I'll have Takei stop at each of your houses. You will each have 15 minutes to put your affairs
in order. Pack light. The game starts tomorrow.
We will take my personal Concord jet to Tokyo."
No one was home at Daria's house. That suited her fine. She was in no mood to talk to her
family right now. She stuffed some things in an overnight bag and scratched of a note.
--Everyone,
I've gone to Tokyo to be on Slashers. This is not a joke. Aunt Amy is in a lot of trouble.
I'll see you when I see you.
Daria.--
Jesse's home was also empty. He shoved some things in a bag. He gave Nibbles the hamster an
extra bowl of food. He stuffed some of his medicines in the bag. He had a feeling he was going to
need them. He scratched off a terse note.
--Dad,
I went to rescue Danny. Don't try to look for us.
Jesse.
P.S, If I don't come back, feed Nibbles for me.
I love you.--
At the Lane's home, there were no notes to scribble. Trent started packing. Jane broke down.
"This isn't fair." she sobbed. "They were never there for us."
"Yeah, I know." Trent put an arm around his sister. "But we gotta be there for them."
Meanwhile, Brittany saw something on TV that made her telephone Kevin. "Kevvie! You'll never
guess what I just saw on TV! You know we have satelite, right?"
"Oh yeah! Pigskin Channel!"
"I saw it on Tokyo TV. The Formidable Four are gonna be on /Slashers/ tomorrow night!"
"You mean that cool game show where they kill people? Babe, we gotta see it!"
"I'll tell everyone in the cheerleading squad. You tell everyone on the football team."
"Sure thing, Babe!" Kevin hung up and called Mac. "Hey Mac Daddy!"
"Kevin, I told you to stop calling me that."
"Whatever. Brittany just told me the Formidable Four is gonna be on /Slashers/ tomorrow night."
"Whoa, you mean that show from Japan where they kill people? That's crazy, they'd never agree
to something that dangerous."
"Wanna come watch it at Brittany's house? She's got satelite TV."
"I-I'll have to think about it. Later." Mac called Jodi to give her the news. She was with
her study group, which included Iggy Tyler and Mima Osaka. She told them, they in turn told others,
who told others. The cheerleaders rapidly spread the word. Quinn came home with the Fashion
Club. She was now president and Brooke had recently been inducted as vice president. (Remember,
in this reality Dr. Shar was murdered by Wart Girl. Brooke went to a /competent/ plastic surgeon
for her nose job.)
"What's this?" Quinn took the note from the refrigerator. "Gone to Tokyo, yadda yadda, Aunt
Amy, blah, blah, Daria."
"What's your sister doing in Tokyo?" asked Stacy.
"My /what/, Stacy?" Quinn asked menacingly.
"I mean your cousin! I'm sorry, please don't hate me!"
Brooke looked at the note. "She's gonna be on /Slashers/?" she said.
"Tell me something I /don't/ know!"
"We. Must. Tell. Others." said Tiffany, taking out her ice blue cell phone. Stacy took out
her hot pink cell phone. Brooke took out her lavender cell phone.
"Brooke," said Quinn. "Do you like being vice president of the Fashion Club?"
"Y-yes."
"Then I suggest you start color co-ordinating." Quinn glared at the saffron sundress Brooke
was wearing, clashing with the lavender cell phone.
"Oh! I-I'm sorry Quinn."
"Don't let it happen again." Quinn smiled to herself. Her dream of being an only child stood
a chance of coming true, and on live TV! She never realized it, but her position as president of
the Fashion Club was starting to corrupt her.
In Tokyo, Ingaki and a bellboy showed the Formidable Four their suite at the Imperial Hotel.
"May, I, have, autograph?" the boy asked in halting English. They scribbled their names down just
to make him go away. He bowed and left.
"I suggest you get some rest." said Ingaki. "We begin filming at nine in the morning. It is
one in the afternoon now, should you care to reset your watches. Good day." He bowed and left.
"Who the hell can rest at a time like this?" asked Daria. Jesse opened his bag and took out
a bottle.
"Take two of these with water." he said. "They'll put you to sleep in no time." He started
out the door.
"Where are you going?" asked Jane.
"I need some air." he walked out.
"I'll go with you." Jane offered.
"No, if you don't mind, I need to be alone."
Jesse went down to the lobby and asked the information desk if there were any Catholic churches
in the area. Fortunatly, the person at the desk spoke English and knew of a chapel four blocks
down the street. It was a small place, so unlike the marble and stained glass cathedral
Jesse remembered from his childhood. He genuflected on entering and went to the confessional.
"Father, please tell me you speak English. Or Spanish at least."
"I speak English." The voice on the other side of the screen didn't even have an accent.
"Father, it has been-um-about 12 years since my last confession."
"That's a long time, child."
"Yeah, I kinda lost faith since then. Sin number one. After my mother and brother died, I
just couldn't believe anymore. God could've done something, but he didn't."
"My child, life comes with suffering. And free will."
Jesse pondered this. His mother hadn't willed herself to die. He couldn't make the same
argument for his brother. "OK, list of sins. Hope you have a lot of time on your hands. I've had
premarital sex, but it's just one girl and we use protection. Oh, wait, that's a sin too. I've
probably used the Lord's name in vain a few times. I've played gigs with my rock band on Sundays.
I haven't been to church since I was a kid. I've cussed out my dad, but only when he'd been
drinking. I've lost count of how many times I've masturbated. I've eaten hamburgers on Friday."
"Child, do you mind telling me why the sudden urge to confess 12 years of sins?"
"You know this TV show called /Slashers/?"
"I'm sorry to say I do."
"They've kidnapped my little brother. They're forcing me to compete on the show and rescue him."
"That show is blasphemy to all that is holy." said the priest. "I am sorry that you are in
such a position. But, it is written in John 15:13, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man
lay down his life for his friends.' You have my blessing to go on this show to rescue your brother.
Do you wish me to perform Last Rites for you, child?"
"I-I'd rather not."
"Then I will pray for you. And in the name of Jesus and the Holy Virgin I abslolve you. Go
in peace, my child."
"Thanks. Father, three of my friends are being forced to compete just as I am. Could you
pray for them too?"
"I will."
Jesse went back to the hotel. Only Daria was awake. "I was really curious." she said. "You've
never been to Tokyo, where would you have gone?"
"Confession. Haven't done it in 12 years, and might never be able to again."
"Jesse, don't think like that."
"I'm trying not to. That's why I refused Last Rites. You know what they say, no atheists in the foxholes."
"Jesse, you believe what you have to believe, but I'm gonna have faith in myself, as always."
"Daria, I just want you to know that I like you. You're a good person to have as a friend.
I know you probably think I'm some stupid lunkhead, but I like you anyway. I just wanted to say
that in case...."
"Jesse, I never said I didn't like you. And stop acting like a condemned man, it's giving
me the creeps." She sighed. "I think you're a good person to have as a friend too."
"Did Trent and Jane take the pills?"
"Yeah."
"Then they'll be out for eight hours. No use waking them. There's so much I want to tell
them. Guess it'll have to wait." He took two of the pills with a glass of water and lied down on
the empty futon next to Jane. Daria followed suit.
It was almost midnight when they all woke up. Jesse and Jane went down to the lobby, leaving
Trent and Daria alone to make love for what might be the last time. Two hours later, they returned
the favor. They all stood on the balcony to see the sun rise. Meanwhile, in Lawndale, guests
were arriving at Brittany's house to watch /Slashers/ later that night.
It was an interresting cross-section of students at Brittany's house. Jocks and brains tolerated
each other for the night. Danny's computer club and roll playing group were there. The goths were not
about to miss on the gory event of the year. Brittany answered the door once more.
"Oh, hi, Iggy!" she squeaked to the girl outside. "How's the modeling career going?"
"I wised up to the fact that there just isn't a market for chubby red-heads like me. I've
decided to be a veteranarian instead."
"You're gonna join the Army?"
Iggy sighed. "My big brother Max and his friend Nick wanna watch. Is that OK?"
"Mmmmm...OK!"
"Place your bets, people." said Andrea. "2-1 odds on Hercules, 3-1 odds on Flamin' Jane,
4-1 odds on both Phantom and Sir Stretchalot."
"Andrea, that's sick!" said Jodi. "They could die!"
"What's wrong with me making some cash in the process?" she shrugged.
"Fifty on Herc." said Max.
"Those are our friends, you sick bastard!" said Nick.
"Hey, I want them to live. Especially Jesse, he's making me money."
"I have a cousin in Kyoto who likes this show." said Mima. "He's on the waiting list."
"Hey, it's starting!" said Kevin.
"It's time for SSSSSSSSSSlashers!" Miho's voice over announced. The crowd cheered as the gory
opening sequence played on the monitor. The Slasherettes went into their routine with their macabre
skull pom-poms. "And here is our host, M.C Takaaki!"
M.C. Takaaki came on stage and greeted a crowd of enthusiastic gore fans, many holding signs
in both English and Japanese. Some Friends of Humanity had snagged front row seats and were bearing
"Kill the Mutants" signs. "We have extra special contestants tonight!" Takiaaki announced
in Japanese. On Brittany's TV, English captions rolled across the bottom of the screen. "All the
way from Lawndale, Massachusettes, USA, the Formidable Four!" Cheers followed. "The lovely Miho
Taguchi will introduce them." The crowd (especially the male half) went wild when Miho appeared.
"Thank you! Domo Arigatu!" The four made their way on stage. They all wore collars with red baubles
on them- the pacifiers. Daria tried to look her usual impassivness. Trent tried once more to wake
up from what had to be a nightmare. Jesse was hyperventalating. Jane held his hand, trying not
to let on how scared she was.
"We have Dalia Morgendorfer,("That's Daria!" she protested) her invisibility power makes her
better known as Phantom! Also with us, Trent Lane, he can stretch any part of his body to great
length, earning him the title Sir Stretchalot! And his sister, Jane Lane, able to shoot balls of
fire, her codename is Flamin' Jane! And this bishonen's name is Jesse Moreno, but because of his
super strength you can call him Hercules!" Miho slipped a piece of paper in Jesse's back pocket.
"Call me if you make it out alive." she whispered, followed by a pat on the butt. "And now, lets
go over the rules. There are none! Do whatever it takes to survive! Violence, nudity, it's all good!
For the Formidable Four, we make some new rule. They will only be allowed to use their powers for
5 minute at a time. Any longer, and they will be pacified, and we don't want that, do we? Also,
it is not enough for them to simply survive. At the end of our labyrinth is a dungeon where a
relative for each contestant is being kept. Each contestant must make it to the dungeon, free his
or her hostage, and make it back through the labyrinth. Any one who come out alive win 6 million
dollar! 7 million if hostage is still alive.
"Now, I will ask each one if they are ready and give them each a key that will free their
person." She approached Daria. "Dalia, are you game?"
"That's Daria! And yeah, I'm game." Miho put a string around Daria's neck that a key dangled from.
"Trent, are you game?"
"Yeah, I'm game." She put the key around his neck.
"Jane, are you..."
"Gimme the damn key!" Miho smiled and did so.
"Jesse, are you game?" Jesse stood stock still, in a cold sweat. "Uh-oh, look like someone don't
love his little brother so much."
"Wait, I'm game." he finally said. Miho gave him the key. Takaaki escourted them to the
elevator.
"And now, a quick look at our hostages." said Miho. They cut to the dungeon-cam. Everyone
was still shackled to the wall. "She is a 40 year old research scientist from DuPont Industries
and Phantom's favorite aunt, Amy Barksdale! He is a 15 year old interested in computer science
and Hercules' kid brother, Daniel Moreno! She is a 50 year old potter and Flamin' Jane's mom,
Amanda Lane! He is a 52 year old photographer and Sir Stretchalot's dad, Vincent Lane!"
"And now, the Slashers!" The crowd went wild. "We have something special. To make things
interesting, one of our two Slashers also has mutant powers. Her heart is as cold as the ice she
creates. She will freeze you in your tracks. Don't you dare call her frigid! All the way from
Winnepeg, Canada, give it up for the Frost Queen!"
The Frost Queen arrived in a snow flurry she created herself. She wore a skimpy blue and
white outfit and a mask that seemed to be made of icicles. She also wore a pacifier on her neck.
"Just chill." she said icily.
"Our other slasher, the T-rex of touchdowns, he's Hell in a helmet, QB Doom!"
QB Doom came on stage dressed in some sort of body armor made of football pads. "They will
DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!" Doom proclamed.
"Whoa!" cried Kevin. "Tommy Sherman's a Slasher! That is so cool!"
"Kevvie, he's a jerk!" said Brittany.
Meanwhile, in the elevator, Jane tried to calm down a trembling Jesse. "We gotta decide
right now." said Trent. "Do we all stick together or do we split up?"
"I can't do this alone." said Jesse. "If I get hysterical, I need someone to slap me out of it."
"I'll go with you." saaid Jane. "If anyone is gonna slap Jesse, it's gonna be me."
"Great." said Trent. "Daria, you stick by me."
"Contestants," said a voice overhead. "Get ready to enter the arena." Jesse broke out in
a cold sweat. "It's gonna be OK, Jess." Jane whispered.
The doors opened. The Four hit the ground running. Daria and Trent ran one way, Jane and
Jesse ran the other. Jane and Jesse hadn't run far when QB Doom jumped Jane and put a six inch
blade to her throat. "Well, if it ithn't Lane'th baby thithter!" he lisped.
"Let her go, Sherman!" Jesse demanded.
"Whatcha gonna do, fag?" he pressed the blade closer to Jane's throat, nicking the skin.
"Don't worry, it'th to early in the game to kill anyone. But I can do /thith/!" He used his blade
to cut off Jane's shirt and bra, leaving her half naked. "Your brother'th the one I want!" he ran
off, laughing evilly.
Back in Lawndale, the boys at Brittany's party cheered. "Alright!" said Kevin. "Some full frontal!"
"Kevvie!" Brittany scolded.
"Her boobs aren't as nice as yours, Babe." Brittany glowed at Kevin's complement.
"It's a good thing QB ripped her top off." said Quinn. "It totally clashed with her choker."
Jane tried to cover herself. Jesse took off his leather vest (It was now the girls' turn to
cheer.) and gave it to her. As he did, he saw a trickle of blood on her neck and went into convulsions. "Jesse, don't make me do this." said Jane. Jesse didn't seem to hear her. He let out a primal scream of terror. "JESSE!" Jane
slapped him across the face. He started to calm down. "Look, it's just a scratch. I'll be fine."
"I guess I'll be fine too." They started walking.
"Oh man," said Jane. "I guess I panicked too. I could've flamed on and made him let go. But
when he put that knife to my throat I was so scared I couldn't think straight. You gonna be OK?"
"Yeah. I took a fistful of Xanax this morning."
"Sure that's a good idea? You once said it slows down your reaction time."
"Umm, Andrea?" asked Kevin.
"Sorry, all bets are final." she answered.
"If I didn't take the pills," said Jesse. "I would probably be in a corner in the fetal
position crying and shaking. I'd be completly useless."
"Jesse, I watched a couple of these shows. They won't kill you if you're in the middle of
telling someone your backstory. Why don't you tell me why you're so freaked out."
"The sight of blood just- totally creeps me out." he answered. "Usually, I throw up, faint,
or both."
"You seem OK with horror movies."
"Fooled you, didn't I? First of all, in the back of my mind I know it's all make-believe.
I know that after the scene was filmed the actor got up, probably went to her trailer for a shower
and got a fat check signed by Wes Craven a week or so later. Even then, if you'll notice, I pay
more attention to the popcorn than the screen." He sighed. "It all started when I was ten. After
my mom died my dad started drinking real heavily. He and my big brother Matt would get into these
huge screaming fights. Danny was only three. They'd fight, I'd hold my baby brother while he cried.
He didn't understand anything. He doesn't even remember it now. One day, I came home from
school. I went up to Matt's room to ask him for help on my homework. He-he was on the bed." Tears
swam in Jesse's eyes. "He shot himself. I don't remember much that happened after that. Guess I
blocked it out. It took years of therapy to get rid of the stutter I developed. Maybe the speech
therapy was for the best. That's where I learned to sing. I don't blame myself for what happened
to Matt anymore, but to this day I can't look at blood without becoming a complete basket case."
"Wanna know something weird?" said Jane. "Your hemophobia is probably what caused me to
start thinking of you as more than just my brother's quiet friend. I was thirteen. Yeah, I know,
raging hormones, whatever. I came home from the art supply store one day to see you and Trent in
the kitchen. You were in Trent's arms and kinda leaned over the table. At first I thought the two
of you decided to be more that just good friends. Trent told me you fainted and he needed my help
getting you to the couch. He told me you cut your finger trying to get a brownie. When we got you
to the couch, Trent told me to hold your hand up while he grabbed a band-aid. My first
thought was Why did he faint over such a tiny cut? Then, I noticed how soft your hand was and
how pretty your face was. Then you woke up and asked me for a brownie."
"I get hungry when I have fainting spells." he shrugged.
Meanwhile, in Lawndale, Luis Moreno called Sam Higgens. "Sam, you have to help me. I-I think
I might start drinking again....No, I know it's not a good choice, but I just found out both of
my boys are gone. And I may never see them again!" The Morgendorfers never found the note Daria
left. Quinn told them she was at Jane's for the night. They slept in peaceful ignorance.
In Highland, Beavis and Butt-Head were at Stewart's house. The Stevenson's had satelite TV.
"Cool!" said Butt-Head, turning it to Tokyo TV. "/Slashers/ is on!"
"You guys," said Stewart. "My parents won't let me watch that. It gives me nightmares."
"Whoa!" said Beavis. "Check it out, Diarrhea is on the show! Huh-huh, maybe she'll take
her top off! That would be cool!"
"Hey, there's that butt-munch who kept trying to touch me. Hope he buys it."
"Huh-huh, let's hex him!"
Back in Lawndale, at stately Sloan manor, Tom watched TV all alone. He had no real friends
and his girlfriend dumped him after she found out he was running around on her. Hey, he thought.
That girl getting her top ripped off by QB Doom looks just like that mutant bitch who burned me
at the club. Literally. He looked at his bandaged hand. I hope she gets her fucking throat slit!
Daria and Trent made their way through the labyrinth. When they came to a place where the
path split Trent said "Do we go right or left?" before Daria could answer she screamed and fell
over frontwards. A knife was lodged in her left shoulder. QB Doom laughed, and flung another knife
in Trent's direction. He managed to dodge it. "Sherman!" he yelled.
"It'th all over, Lane! You'll pay for the thuffering you've cauthed me!"
Trent picked up the thrown knife. "Daria, don't move." he whispered to her. "Sherman, if
you want a knife fight, you'll get one!" QB Doom rushed at Trent, blade drawn. Trent swerved and
thrust his blade into Doom's ribs, only to tear the makeshift armor he made from football pads.
They pushed away from each other and began to warily circle each other like a pair of wolves.
They were sizing up each other, gauging strengths and weknesses. Doom was born to compete, especially
when it involved hurting someone. He took a slash at Trent's face. It barely scratched him. Doom
ducked as Trent sliced at him. Doom jumped back. "You thould be bleeding all over the plathe!" he
complained.
"Rubber skin." Trent replied. "I'm surprised you did that much damage."
"Diamond tipped knife."
Doom made another feint. Trent parried. They got in close. In a desperate move, Trent kneed
Doom in the groin. He only laughed. "It'th called a jock cup." he sneered.
"I almotht pity you, Lane." he said as he struck at him. "You make it to eathy!"
"And you talk to much!" Trent rammed the knife into Doom's belly. Doom froze, dropped the
knife and fell. Trent left him and went to Daria. He pulled the knife out of her shoulder, making
her cry out again. "Just hold still." he told her. He took off her leather jacket, the one he gave
her for Valentine's. Ruined now, but it ultimatly saved her life. He took off her shirt and his
and started ripping them into bandages.
"Aren't they supposed to go to the Love Room to do that?" asked Kevin.
"Well," said Jodi. "Everyone got topless before the first commercial break. That's a record."
"The wound isn't to deep." said Trent, tying the strips of cloth together. "And it's your
off shoulder. You'll be fine." He helped her up and they ran away.
"Everyone stay where you are." said an overhead voice. "/Slashers/ is pausing for a commercial
break. Any attempt to move from where you are now will result in pacification." Daria and Trent
stood and held each other.
In Lawndale, everyone watched an ad for Black Lung cigarettes. "I wanna audition for /Slashers/
someday." Brittany decided.
"Uh, Babe," said Kevin. "I know it's 6 million dollars, but do you really wanna go toe to
toe with Chainsaw Charly?"
"And get icky blood all over me? No! I wanna try out for the Slasherettes! I'm real good
at jumping up and down and I can do the splits!"
"One problem, Brittany." said Jodi. "All the Slasherettes are Japanese, Chinese, Korean-I
think one is Vietnamese. Your blonde hair and blue eyes would make you stick out like a sore thumb."
"Oh." Brittany twirled her pigtails and thought-not an easy task for her. "I know!" she said.
"I can train Tiffany and Mima to be cheerleaders, get them to audition for the Slasherettes, and
it'll be like I'm a Slasherette, only vibrationally."
"I assume you mean vicariously." said Jodi.
"Whatever." Brittany grabbed the two Asian girls. "Come on, Mima and Tiffany, let's start
training!"
"I. Don't. Know." said Tiffany. "Sweat. Eew."
"Brittany, I'm just not interested." said Mima.
Brittany ignored their protests and put a Baha Men CD in the hifi. "Just do what I do!" She
went into a routine to the beat of "Move It Like This." Tiffany's stick thin body made her move
with all the grace of a scarecrow. Mima folded her arms and refused to move at all. "Mima!" said
Brittany. "If you can do that Hong Kong Fuey stuff, I know you can cheerlead!"
"I assume you mean Kung fu." Mima sighed. "And I don't. Kung fu is a broad term covering
several /Chinese/ techniques of martial arts. I do the Japanese techniques of karate and judo."
"What's the differance?" shrugged Kevin.
"Stand up." said Mima. "This is karate." She rained a series of chops on Kevin's neck and
shoulders. "This is judo." She sent Kevin into a judo roll.
"Ow!" Kevin groaned, getting up. "That hurt!"
"Once more!" said Mima. "Karate!" She kicked Kevin in the stomache. He doubled over in pain.
"Judo!" She flipped him over.
"Quiet!" said Quinn. "It's back on."
Trent and Daria were making their way through the labyrinth. "Yo, camera dude." Trent said
to the man with the camera. "You wouldn't happen to know which way to the dungeon, would you?" He said nothing.
"Forget it, Trent." said Daria. "Silence is his motto."
"That or he doesn't speak English."
"I speak Engrish." said the camera man in a heavy accent. "I ter you dis much. Tark of
something intresting. For examper, QB Doom seem to have vendetta against Sir Stretcharot. Why?"
"OK." said Trent. "I've known Tommy Sherman, AKA QB Doom, since we were in kindergarten.
He was always the class bully. He saw something he wanted, he took it. The hell with anyone else.
He was always a bit of a sadist too. Liked to torture bugs and small animals. Picked on anyone
smaller than him. He was a big kid too. He wouldn't bully me cuz I wouldn't let him. He liked
picking on my best friend Jesse. Jesse kinda stuttered when he was a kid. Kids are cruel."
"Humanity is cruel." said Daria. "It wasn't kids who put us in this death trap."
"You got a point. Anyway, in high school, Jesse was starting to get bigger than Tommy. He
got jealous and made fun of him more. If Jesse benched 100 in gym class he'd say only fags lifted
weights without playing football. Lots of girls liked Jesse. There's some unwritten rule saying
girls can't ask out guys-I think it's pretty stupid-so, they'd ask me to set them up. The dates
would only last a night or two. Jesse can get kinda shy around girls. Tommy saw that as a threat.
He'd rag on Jesse every chance he got. He'd get his friends into the act too. Luckily, Jesse's
got some good friends too. Me, Max, Nick, sometimes Axl would stand up to him. Around graduation,
Tommy's girlfriend, a cheerleader named Candy, informed us that Tommy and his friends were gonna
chant 'fag' when Jesse's name was called. We didn't go to the ceremony and later that night,
Tommy Sherman murdered Candy Appels."
"Candy Appels?" said Daria. "Was she a cheerleader or a porn star?"
"That was her name." Trent faced the camera. "Did anyone in Lawndale hear that? Tommy Sherman
killed Candy Appels! He told me once when he thought he was going to kill me."
"See Kevvie!" said Brittany. "I told you he was a jerk!"
"But he's still cool." Kevin got an idea. "Hey, cool. Jerk. Cool Jerk! Get it?" He stood up
and danced. "I know a cat who can really do the Cool Jerk!"
"Sit down so we can watch this!" said Quinn.
"I saved his life once." Trent continued. "He was standing next to this goalpost that had
been dedicated to him, bragging about what a big man he was on the field when the wind started to
blow the post over. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to warn him so I stretched my arms
across the field and pushed him out of the way. I don't know why I did it. Gratitude isn't in
Sherman's vocabulary."
"A lot of words aren't in Sherman's vocabulary." said Daria.
"Good one." Trent smiled. "When I pushed Sherman out of harm's way he lost one of his front
teeth. That's why he talks with a lisp. He'll stop at nothing to get even." He gave Daria the
bloody knife he had pulled from her shoulder. "Here, you might need a weapon later."
Daria had distastefully taken the knife when a huge icicle broke at their feet. "Enough of
this!" cried Frost Queen. She leapt from the rafters and summersaulted to the floor. She landed
in a crouch and said "Who's up for a snowball fight?"
"What have you got against us, Frost Queen?" Daria asked, readying her knife. "All we want
is to save the hostages. None of us even know you."
"I'm in it for the money." Frost Queen replied. "What else?" She hurled a jet of frost at
Trent, who was coming at her with his knife. Daria jumped Frost Queen from behind, slashing her
bare back. Frost Queen shrieked and turned. "That fucking hurt!" she yelled.
"You're the one wearing the skimpy costume." said Daria.
"Oh, you're a fine one to talk, Miss A-cup!" Daria was only wearing a bra, jeans and the
makeshift bandages.
Daria went invisible and fought Frost Queen. She couldn't fight what she couldn't see. After
struggling briefly, Frost Queen summoned a snow storm. The floor was covered with ice and snow.
Daria could barely walk without slipping and her footprints in the snow gave away her location.
Frost Queen seemed to have no trouble walking on ice. "Now we're even, Phantom!" she said. After
a few minutes of tossling with the snow mutant, Daria felt a severe electric shock.
"Your time limit has expired." said an overhead voice. "You must become visible now." It took
another shock to spur Daria. As she became visable, Frost Queen readied an icicle aimed at Daria's
throat. Daria noticed Frost Queen wore snowflake shaped earrings. She reached up and yanked on one.
Frost Queen screached and grabbed her torn earlobe. "You bitch!" she screamed. Daria gave her a
boot to the head, knocking her unconscous. She turned her attention to Trent, who was completly
encased in ice save for his head and right arm.
"Forget about me, Daria." he said. "Get outta here before she wakes up."
"I won't leave you!" She started picking away at the ice with her knife.
"Forget it, it's too thick." he said. "Go rescue your aunt. Tell Dad I'm sorry."
"Trent, don't you dare make me cry on television."
"Just leave already."
"No!"
"Leave or I'll start quoting from /Titanic/."
"You always had a way of getting me to do things. I love you." she kissed him. He stroked
her hair with his free hand.
"I love you too." he said gently. "Now go." She reluctantly left him. He never let on that
the ice felt like thousands of little pins and needles stinging his flesh. I've been tattooed and
pierced. he reminded himself. I can take it. He started to worry when the stinging stopped. He
couldn't feel anything.
Jane and Jesse made their way through the labyrinth. With a cruel laugh, QB Doom turned the
corner, a machette in his hands. "Lane thought he was bad getting me in the thtomache," Doom had
used his jersey as a makesift bandage. "You will both die!"
"I'm not afraid of you anymore, Sherman!" Jesse yelled, standing in front of Jane.
"Keep telling yourthelf that, Fag." said QB Doom. "Maybe you'll beleive it."
Doom slashed at Jesse. He ducked and did a sweep kick. Doom was down. Jesse jumped on him
and clasped the helmeted head between his hands. He started to sqeeze. The helmet began to crack.
Doom reached for his dropped machette. Just as he was about to stab Jesse in the back, Jane threw
a thin jet of flame at his hand, causing him to drop the blade.
"Fucking bitch!" He yelled.
"DON'T EVER CALL HER THAT!" Jesse went completly berserk. He picked Doom up and smashed him
against the wall hard enough to leave a hole. He beat Doom's head against the floor several times.
He knelt on Doom's chest and swung at him, ignoring his own bleeding knuckles. Jane tried to tell
him to stop, but he didn't listen. He grabbed Doom's throat and sqeezed untill it came off- revealing
sparking wires and circuitry.
"He-he was a robot!" said Jane.
"Yeah." Jesse panted. He looked down at his bloodied hands. He suddenly realized that all
the hurt and rage he had tried so hard to bottle up all these years had finally been unleashed.
Jesse wept.
Jane took his hands. "Jesse, we better keep moving."
They came across Trent, who was trying hard not to lose consciousness. The floor was slick
and Frost Queen lay nearby. "Trent," said Jane, slapping his cheek. "Trent, stay awake."
"Ugh, so c-cold." he muttered.
"I'll have you out in a minute. Jesse, make sure Frost Queen doesn't wake up and try anything
funny." Jane put her hands on Trent's frozen shoulder and slowly turned on her flames, like she
did with the popcorn. The ice began to melt. Jane moved her hands down, melting more ice. She was
alarmed at the blanched pallor her brother's flesh had taken. Frost Queen came to. Jesse seized
her hands and held them behind her back. Jane continued to melt the ice. She was almost
finished when Trent began to stumble forward. She caught him and got him to sit down while she
finished.
"Janey, I can't feel my legs." he said.
"Jesse," said Jane. "Get Trent out of here. I'll handle the Frost Queen."
Jesse let Frost Queen go and picked Trent up in a fireman's carry. As they left, Frost Queen
got to her feet. "I will so enjoy this." she said, hurling a jet of ice at Jane. Jane countered
with a jet of fire. Both jets desintigrated in the air. "It appears our powers cancel each other."
"It appears." Jane approached Frost Queen, ready to fight hand to hand.
"But, how well do you fight on an icy floor?" She made the floor even more slick with ice.
Jane slipped. Frost Queen hurled an icicle at her. Jane rolled out of the way and tossed a fireball
at her attacker. It knocked her down and gave her a third degree burn on her breasts. She screamed
in pain.
"Regretting your choice of costume?" asked Jane, getting back on her feet.
"Die, bitch!" Frost Queen drew back her hand.
"Attention," said the over head voice. "/Slashers/ is pausing for another comercial break.
(Shit! hissed Frost Queen.) Any attempt to move will result in pacification."
"You know," said Jane. "I'm getting real sick of being called a bitch."
Jesse heard the announcer and stood in the coridor with Trent still slung over his shoulder.
"Jess," Trent said.
"Yeah?"
"Would you mind taking your hand off my butt?"
"Oh, sorry." He moved his hand. "Hey, that means you're not totally frozen. You can still
feel things."
"I think I'm starting to thaw." He experimentally squeezed his formerly frozen arm. The
skin was deathly cold and felt like it was being bruised even with a small squeeze. At least it
was something.
Daria found herself in a strange room. While all the other rooms and corridors of the
labyrinth were dark and spooky, this room was painted cotton candy pink and was furnished with
a fluffy canopy bed. "Great, I'm in Quinn's room." she thought. "I really am in Hell."
"Attention," said the voice. "Commercial break will be over in 4,3,2..."
Daria made her way to a door on the other side. QB Doom was there waiting for her. She tried
to slam the door in his face. He grabbed it and muscled his way in. Daria ran to the other door,
only to find it locked. QB Doom laughed and barred the door he came through. "A little joke they
like to play on Thlatherth." he said. "Thometimeth, the door lockth behind you."
"Trent stabbed you in the gut! You shouldn't be here!"
"He and the fag only dithpatched one of my QB-bots. You know where you are?"
"Strawberry Shortcake's boudoir?" Daria guessed.
Doom laughed evily. "My dear mithery chick, you are in the Love Room! I can think of no
better way to get vengeanth on Lane than by raping and killing his girlfriend!"
"Over my dead body!"
"Not a bad idea." Doom raised a machette above his head and came after her. Daria went
invisible and ducked.
Meanwhile, Jane and Frost Queen were slugging it out. Jane was melting Frost Queen's ice
as fast as she could make it. "We could be here all day doing this, Firey One." said Frost Queen.
"I'm all for an old fashioned cat fight if you are." said Jane.
"Music to my ears." Frost Queen clawed at Jane's face with her nails. Jane grabbed a
fistful of white-blonde hair and pulled. The two scratched, kicked and bit.
"Whoa, huh-huh," said Butt-Head. "Chick fights are cool."
"Yeah, huh-huh." agreed Beavis. "Maybe they'll kiss."
"You guys." Stewart said affectionatly.
Jesse came to a door and opened it. "Trent," he said. "I think I found the dungeon."
"My parents," said Trent. "Are they OK?"
"See for yourself." He took Trent's half frozen body off his shoulder and propped him against
a wall. All the hostages were there, shackled to the wall. Jesse took off his key and went to
Danny. "Hang on, little bro." he said and unlocked the shackles. "You know, I could probably let
everyone else go too." He reached for Amy's shackles and attempted to break them. A severe shock
stopped him in his tracks.
"You are only allowed to free /your/ hostage." said the Voice.
"Take your brother and run." said Amy "We'll be fine."
"Jess," said Trent. "I still can't walk. And my stretch powers aren't working."
Jesse carried Trent to where his father was shackled. Trent unlocked the fetters.
"Trent," said Vincent. "We've been watching on the monitor. I heard what you said to Daria.
Trent, /I'm/ the one who should be sorry."
"We'll talk about it later, Dad." said Trent.
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Don't lie to me, son. I know frostbite when I see it."
"Mom, Janey's coming for you."
"I know she is. Trent, I-"
"Like I said, we'll talk about it later." Trent kissed his mother's cheek. Tears came to
her eyes. She suddenly realized she hadn't kissed her youngest son since he was very little.
"Touching." said Amy. "But is anyone watching the monitor? You better hustle over to the
Love Room. QB Doom is planning to have his way with Daria."
"That son of a bitch!" said Trent. "I'll kill him!"
"Let's go." Jesse hefted Trent back on to his shoulder.
In the Love Room, QB Doom swung his machete in every direction. An invisible Daria was keeping
her distance while looking for a way to fight or flee. A nerve racking shock assaulted Daria's
body. "Your five minutes has expired." said the Voice.
"He's gonna kill me, you dickhead!" Daria responded. Another shock. She became visable.
QB Doom tackled her onto the bed. He put a hand on her throat and a padded knee on her stomache.
He used his machete to cut away at her jeans. "You take what you take." Daria told him. "I give
you nothing!"
Just then, Vincent and Danny battered down the door with a ram they made from one of the
prop tables. Jesse hit Doom- with Trent.
"That fucking hurt!" said Trent.
"Sorry, reflex." Jesse responded.
"You will pay!" Doom swung his blade, slashing Vincent across the chest.
"NO!" Trent screamed.
Jesse grabbed Doom from behind, trying to restrain him. Doom responded with a fist to the
nose. Blood spurted out. Daria grabbed a splintered board and helped Jesse attack Doom. Trent tended
to his father.
"Go on, Trent," Vincent gasped in pain. "Leave me."
"No," he said. "Dad, I have to save you."
"You already have." Vincent closed his eyes and slipped into unconscousness.
"No, Dad, Dad! Dammit, don't you die on me." He took off Vincent's shirt and started dressing
the wound. He took a pulse. Thready, but there. He realized the shirt wouldn't be enough. To hell
with modesty. he decided and took off his jeans.
Daria and Jesse finally had Doom subdued. Jesse held him on the bed while Daria put Doom's
own machete to his throat. "We could just kill him." she said.
"But, that's not our way." said Jesse.
"Fine, Mr. Morality." Daria took back the blade. "Just KO him then."
"With pleasure." Jesse punched hard enough to break through the helmet and knock out Doom.
"Your aunt's in the dungeon. Keep following the corridor we came out of and turn right. Can't miss it."
"Thanks." Daria went to rescue her aunt. She paused when she saw Trent.
"Just go." he said before she could say anything. She left. "Jesse, get my dad out of here."
"I'm going to save both of you." he said decisivly. "Two of you together are only, what, 300
or so pounds? Super strength, remember?"
"Dad's hurt bad. You can't just toss him over your shoulder."
Jesse took Vincent into his arms. "Danny," he said. "Help Trent get on my back. We're
hauling our asses outta here."
"All right!" Danny helped Trent on to Jesse's back. He wrapped his arms around his neck,
preparing to be carried piggyback.
"Let's go." said Trent.
Daria came to the dungeon. "Ready to go, Aunt Amy?" she said, taking out the key.
"You bet." Daria had just released her when Jane limped in. Her hair was torn and she was
covered in claw and bite marks.
"Let's get the hell outta here, Mom." she said, unlocking her mother's shackles. Amanda
embraced her daughter. "Uh, Mom, you do know we're on TV, right?"
"I don't care." she sobbed. "I'm never letting you go again, Baby!"
Jane hugged her. "What about the bit about the butterflies?" she said a bit wryly.
"I've been so very wrong, Janey." said Amanda. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"I'm saving you, aren't I?"
"Let's go before I get cavities." said Daria.
The four women made their way back through the labyrinth. Suddenly, QB Doom leaped in their
path. "You thoulda killed me." he said, waving his machete menacingly. "I won't thow you any
thuch merthy!"
"Is he serious?" asked Amy.
"Like a heart attack." Daria replied.
"Flame on!" Jane threw a fireball at Doom. His padded armor became a firey prison he could
not escape. "That was for ripping my top off!" The four women made a run for it as Doom tried
desperatly to extinguish his burning body.
The whole group met at the elevator. The Voice announced that the show was now over.
"Oh wow! I can't believe it!" said Miho. "All four contestants are alive /and/ so are the
hostages! Let's give them all a big hand!" They found themselves looking out at an audiance who
found their hellish ordeal entertaining. "You win seven million dollar each! You must all feel
very proud!"
Daria punched Miho in the face.
"Turn that fucking camera off!" yelled Jane. She destroyed it with a fireball.
Dammit, thought Quinn. Now not only do I still have Daria as a sister, but she's richer
than me too!
/Slashers/ kept medics on hand for after the show. Miho was given an ice pack. Vincent
required 52 stitches to close his wound. Jesse's bloody nose and knuckles were treated. He was
given a sedative when he started going into convulsions. Jane's scratches were disinfected. Daria's
stab wound needed 17 stitches and her cuts were bandaged. The only thing that would help Trent
was a warm bath.
Back in the Imperial Hotel, the Formidable Four packed while reuniting with their loved
ones. "I'll tell Trent we're almost ready to go." said Daria. She headed for the bathroom.
"Daria, wait." said Amanda. She gave her a huge hug. "Welcome to the family."
"Uh, Thanks, Mrs. Lane."
"Amanda." She leaned forward and whispered. "I think you're just what Trent needs."
Daria went in the bathroom. Trent had fallen asleep in the bath tub. She kissed him awake.
"Hey, Daria." he smiled.
"Hey yourself. Feeling any better?"
"Still kinda tingly, but I can move my toes again. I can probably walk now, but I think I
better wait a few days before I use my stretch powers. Get me a towel?"
"Sure." She got the towel from the rack. She noticed a sign that read "It is forbidden to
steal towels from hotel. If you are not person to do such thing, please disregard this notice." She read it to Trent. He thought it was funny.
They were all packed when there was a knock at the door. It was Ingaki.
"If you value your life," growled Jane. "You'll get the hell outta my sight right now!"
"Ah, if you please, Miss Lane," he said with a bow. "I only come to present you with your
checks." He presented four checks. "I am honorable man, after all."
"Honorable," sniffed Daria. "You imprisoned the people we love, nearly got us all killed in
the name of entertainment and you /dare/ call yourself honorable?"
"Well, if you don't want your money," he began.
"She didn't say she didn't want the money." said Amy.
"But," said Daria.
"Daria, this money could really help put you through college."
"But," she protested.
"But me no buts, Missy." said Amy. "Take the money."
As the Formidable Four flew back to Lawndale, Ingaki got a call on his cell phone. It was
Arcade. "I saw the show, Ingaki." he said. "I didn't like it."
"They survived, our viewers were entertained. What's not to like?"
"I'll deal with you later, Ingaki!" Arcade hung up and sighed. He glared at the client sitting
across the deak from him. "I'm terribly sorry, sir." he said. "This is the first time I've ever
had to give someone their money back." He pushed the briefcase of money across the desk.
"Thith maketh me very upthet, Mithter Arcade. But mark my wordth, I thwear that one day I
will have my vengeanth on Trent Lane and the Formidable Four!"
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
If I hadn't been looking at that girl doing cartwheels with no panties, we wouldn't be in
this mess!
Ummm...IsawJessenaked.
I love you, man!
Are you laughing at me, or laughing with me?
It's enough to make Sonny Bono turn over in his grave.
(A/N) /$la$her$/ belongs to Maurice Devereaux. After seeing his film I wondered how the Formidable
Four would handle the situation. Music haters
probably liked this fic. The only songs mentioned were Bootsy Collin's "Cool Jerk" and Baha Men's "Move It Like This". I didn't quote the lyrics to the song because
they're inane and repetitive. Just the thing Brittany would listen to. Music haters will hate the
next fic. It involves a mind controlling Kareoke machine.
Japanese translations are as follows:
Komici wa = Hello
Yoshi = Good
Domo Arigatu = Thank You
bishonen = beautiful boy
A note on Jesse and religion. I figured he might have come from a religious family because
his name and Danny's (OK, Daniel) are both
biblical. Jesse means "God is". In the Bible, Jesse was the name of David's father. Daniel means
"God will judge me" and is the name of a prophet
who was thrown to the lions for refusing to renounce God. Matt (Or Matthew), the brother I made
up, shares a name with an appostle and his name
means "Gift of God". The name Moreno comes from an old Spanish word meaning "changed one". It was
applied to Jews, Muslims and Gypsies
who converted to Catholicism during the Spanish Inquisition. By the by, I'm agnostic myself but
I respect the rights of others to belive what they
will as long as they don't try to force their beliefs on me. I also find that nothing pisses off
a right-wing conservative Christian more than an
agnostic who knows the Bible.
It started one night at the Zen. Mystic Spiral was performing on stage. Daria and Jane were
discussing a school project.
"Maybe Trent can help us write some background music for the program." Jane suggested.
"I don't wanna ask him." said Daria. "This computer programming project is pretty lame."
"Yeah," agreed Jane. "But then, compared to saving the town for the umpteenth time, everything
seems pretty lame. Why do we even bother?"
"Cuz if we didn't, we wouldn't be heroes."
"I'm getting another soda." Jane went back to the bar. She noticed a boy her age sipping a
drink and winking at her. Oh puh-leeze, she thought. Does he really think that shit turns women on?
"Hi there." he said to her. "I'm Tom. Do you like convertables?"
"Can it creep. I'm spoken for."
"So?" said Tom. "I've got a girlfriend, but I'll throw her away in a minute for a cutie like you."
"Yeah, well my boyfriend is here tonight. He's on stage."
Tom glanced at the stage. "Which one is he? The long haired fag or the tattooed freak?"
"The 'tattooed freak' is my brother. Care to score any more points with me?"
"Look, I'm sorry. What I said was way out of line. Let me make it up to you by buying you dinner."
"Go to Hell, loser."
Tom chuckled. "I don't think you understand." he said, putting an unwanted hand on hers.
"You see, when I want something, I get it. Always."
"Flame on." Jane growled.
Tom briefly wondered why she said "Flame on" and not two words with the same initials. Then
he was aware of a painful burning sensation in the hand he had placed on her. He yelped, pulling
away. He quickly removed himself from Jane's presence. He passed Jesse as he was leaving the stage.
"Janey," he said. "Was that punk bothering you?"
"I took care of him, hon." she kissed him. Trent and Daria came up and they all chatted a
while. Soon, a large Asian man approached them.
"Pardon me," he said. "Am I addressing the Formidable Four?"
"That's us." said Trent.
The man offered a business card to Trent with a bow. "I am Toshiro Ingaki. Will you come
with me please? My limo is outside."
"Huddle!" Trent announced. The group huddled up to discus the situation. Trent showed everyone
the card. It was Japanese on one side, English on the other. The English side read "Toshiro Ingaki,
Executive Producer, TokyoTV"
"We can't just go off with some guy we just met." said Daria.
"Relax, Daria." said Jane. ''We've got super-powers, remember?"
"Still smells fishy to me."
"Maybe he wants us to be on some Japanese talk show." Jesse suggested.
"When we can't even get on Ricki Lake in our country?" said Daria.
"Here's my suggestion." said Trent. "We go with this guy. We stay alert. If he tries anything,
we'll waste him- four on one sounds like
good odds. We'll hear him out and stay cool. Agreed?"
"Cool." said Jesse.
"Sounds like a plan." said Jane.
"What the hell." sighed Daria.
They followed Mr. Ingaki to his limosine. When they were all seated, Ingaki gave an order
to his chaufer in Japanese. As they drove, Ingaki opened the wet bar. "Some saki, gentlemen?"
"No thanks." said Jesse.
"I'm game." Trent shrugged. Ingaki smiled ironicly as he served Trent the saki.
"What about us?" said Jane.
"I know the laws of your country. No saki for you."
"Don't you think it was rude to offer it, then?" asked Daria.
"Where I come from," Ingaki said stiffly. "men come first. Women come second."
"And sometimes not at all." Trent quipped.
"OK, that's enough saki for you, mister." said Jane.
The limo stopped at a hotel. Ingaki took them to his suite. "Ladies and gentlemen," he began.
"I trust you are familiar with a Japanese game show known as /Slashers/?" They nodded. "We recently
began showing this in America with very good results. Now, we wish to increase our ratings by
adding mutants such as yourselves to the contestant list."
"Wait," said Daria. "You're asking us to be on some dumb game show?"
Ingaki glared at her. "The show is /not/ dumb! Now, if you can be quiet long enough, I'd
like to show you a promotional video made exclusivly for the four of you." He put a video in the
player. A scantly clad Asian woman appeared on the screen. "Komichi wa, Formidale Four!" she shouted,
waving enthusiasticaly. "I am Miho Taguchi, hostess of /Slashers/! We got good show for you! /Slashers/,
the most incredible game show to hit the air waves wants you, yes /you/, to be contestants! Yay!" she applauded.
"Why do I miss Brittany all of a sudden?" asked Daria. Ingaki shushed her.
"Many, many people want to be on /Slashers/." Miho continued. "We have waiting list up to
two year, but you are who we choose! Aren't we nice? And, should you survive, you win 6 million
dollar American! Yes, 6 million!" The number flashed at the bottom of the screen.
"Should we survive?" repeated Jane. Ingaki shushed her.
"Let us take a quick look at what our game show is all about."
What followed was the most disgusting trailer of guts and gore they had ever seen. Jesse ran
to the restroom and became violently sick. The other three were horrified and felt a distinct loss
of self-respect just watching the video. When it was over, Ingaki pressed rewind and asked
"So, what will it be?".
"Do we look fucking nuts to you?!" Daria exploded.
"Keep a civil tongue in your mouth, woman!" Ingaki barked.
"You watch what you say to her." said Trent. "In this country, we treat women with a little respect."
"I'm outie." said Jane.
"I think we all are." said Trent.
"As they say on your game shows, is that your final answer?" He formed his fingers into the chuch-and-steeple pose.
"It's our only answer." said Daria.
"Suppose I raise the prize to 7 million?"
"Forget it." said Jane. "There isn't enough money in the world." She went to Jesse. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah, cool." he lied.
"You will change your minds." said Ingaki, flexing his fingers together.
"Guess again." said Trent as the four of them left.
Ingaki took out his cell phone. "Mr. Arcade San," he said. "The Formidibale Four refused the offer.
They said there isn't enough money in the world."
"If they will not be swayed by money," said Arcade. "You must find another way to make them play
our game. There must be something they would risk life and limb for."
"More often than not, Arcade San, it is someONE."
The next night Daria was in an on-line chat with her Aunt Amy.
--amybark_2000: Hey! How's my favorite neice?
--miserychick: Jane and I are working on a computer program as a school project. Like
everything else at school it sucks. :P
--amybark_2000: Just keep saying to yourself "It's only 4 years, it's only 4 years." ;)
--miserychick: Not that long. Senior year is next year. I'm so glad I'm dating Trent. If
I had to go all through high school as the dateless loser I'd shoot myself.
--amybark_2000: Daria, do you think it's a good idea to define yourself by who or if you
date?
--miserychick: Geez, you're making me sound like Quinn!
--amybark_2000: I was a dateless loser all through high school. And college. Now I'm the
unmarried loser. But I'm an unmarried loser getting a huge paycheck from DuPont.
--miserychick: I think I'd like more than just cash out of life.
--amybark_2000: You do what's right for you. I know you'll come out on top. LYL
--miserychick: Ditto. CUL8R.
The next morning, Amy was carjacked on her way to work at DuPont labs.
Later that afternoon, Danny Moreno adjourned a meeting of the school's computer club. He
repacked his bookbag and walked out to where his bike was chained. He hadn't rode far when a
hand clasped over his mouth.
Meanwhile, at a bed and breakfast in Athens, Greece, the Lanes were told they had an emergency
phone call from one of their children in the States. No one was on the line. They never got a clear
look at the two thugs who blackjacked them.
The next day Daria and Jane walked home from school. "I wish there was someway just to skip the
whole damn project." said Daria. Trent drove up, Jesse riding shotgun.
"Hey girls." said Trent. "Either of you seen Danny? Jesse says he didn't come home last night."
"He wasn't at school today." said Jane.
"Like a ride?" The girls got in.
"Danny is so damn grounded." said Jesse.
"You'd ground your own brother?" asked Jane.
"I was up all night worrying about him. He never pulls stunts like this."
"Remember," said Trent, "With Jesse, grounding can mean picking him up and pounding him into
the ground." Daria had an uneasy feeling.
"Never pulls stunts like this." she repeated. "Last time I heard that phrase was when Jodi was...."
Before she could finish, a limo pulled up beside them. The tinted window rolled down revealing
Ingaki's face. "Pull over in this lot." he said to Trent. "We must talk."
Jesse felt his blood run cold. Did this man have something to do with his brother's disapearance?
The Formidable Four found themselves back in Ingaki's limo. "Saki?" he politly offered.
"Cut the bull, Ingaki." said Trent.
Ingaki smiled. "Do you know what this is?" he gestured to a laptop with a camera hook-up.
"A lap-top computer, duh." said Daria. "My parents only have a dozen at home."
"And that's a web-cam." said Jesse, indicating the hook-up. "Danny got one for his birthday."
Ingaki typed in some commands and pointed the camera towards himself. A masked man appeared
on the computer screen. He looked like a mideval executioner. "Everything is in readiness, Mr. Ingaki."
"Yoshi." said Ingaki. "Executioner, may I present the Formibable Four." he panned them with the
camera. "Soon to be featured on /Slashers/."
"We said we're not doing your cruddy show!" said Daria.
"Really now? Your Aunt Amy puts 'LYL' in her I-messages to you. Short for 'love you lots'.
Do you truly return those feelings?"
"You-you hacked into our chat? What have you done with her?!"
"Show them, Executioner." The masked figure stepped aside to show Amy shackled to a brick wall.
"Aunt Amy!"
"Forget about me, Daria." said Amy. "Don't fall into this creep's trap."
The camera panned to Danny, also shackled to the wall.
"Danny!" cried Jesse.
"Jesse," Danny's lips trembled. "Jesse, I'm scared."
The camera panned to Amanda and Vincent Lane, also fettered.
"Mom and Dad?" Jane and Trent chorused.
"Uh, hi kids." Amanda said weakly.
"Um, long time no see?" Said Vincent.
"They are safe, for now." said Ingaki. "It would behoove you to co-operate."
"And if we kill you now?" Jane readied a fire ball.
"You'll never see your loved ones again." Ingaki said matter of factly.
"Fine." said Daria. "We'll play your stupid game."
"I'll have Takei stop at each of your houses. You will each have 15 minutes to put your affairs
in order. Pack light. The game starts tomorrow.
We will take my personal Concord jet to Tokyo."
No one was home at Daria's house. That suited her fine. She was in no mood to talk to her
family right now. She stuffed some things in an overnight bag and scratched of a note.
--Everyone,
I've gone to Tokyo to be on Slashers. This is not a joke. Aunt Amy is in a lot of trouble.
I'll see you when I see you.
Daria.--
Jesse's home was also empty. He shoved some things in a bag. He gave Nibbles the hamster an
extra bowl of food. He stuffed some of his medicines in the bag. He had a feeling he was going to
need them. He scratched off a terse note.
--Dad,
I went to rescue Danny. Don't try to look for us.
Jesse.
P.S, If I don't come back, feed Nibbles for me.
I love you.--
At the Lane's home, there were no notes to scribble. Trent started packing. Jane broke down.
"This isn't fair." she sobbed. "They were never there for us."
"Yeah, I know." Trent put an arm around his sister. "But we gotta be there for them."
Meanwhile, Brittany saw something on TV that made her telephone Kevin. "Kevvie! You'll never
guess what I just saw on TV! You know we have satelite, right?"
"Oh yeah! Pigskin Channel!"
"I saw it on Tokyo TV. The Formidable Four are gonna be on /Slashers/ tomorrow night!"
"You mean that cool game show where they kill people? Babe, we gotta see it!"
"I'll tell everyone in the cheerleading squad. You tell everyone on the football team."
"Sure thing, Babe!" Kevin hung up and called Mac. "Hey Mac Daddy!"
"Kevin, I told you to stop calling me that."
"Whatever. Brittany just told me the Formidable Four is gonna be on /Slashers/ tomorrow night."
"Whoa, you mean that show from Japan where they kill people? That's crazy, they'd never agree
to something that dangerous."
"Wanna come watch it at Brittany's house? She's got satelite TV."
"I-I'll have to think about it. Later." Mac called Jodi to give her the news. She was with
her study group, which included Iggy Tyler and Mima Osaka. She told them, they in turn told others,
who told others. The cheerleaders rapidly spread the word. Quinn came home with the Fashion
Club. She was now president and Brooke had recently been inducted as vice president. (Remember,
in this reality Dr. Shar was murdered by Wart Girl. Brooke went to a /competent/ plastic surgeon
for her nose job.)
"What's this?" Quinn took the note from the refrigerator. "Gone to Tokyo, yadda yadda, Aunt
Amy, blah, blah, Daria."
"What's your sister doing in Tokyo?" asked Stacy.
"My /what/, Stacy?" Quinn asked menacingly.
"I mean your cousin! I'm sorry, please don't hate me!"
Brooke looked at the note. "She's gonna be on /Slashers/?" she said.
"Tell me something I /don't/ know!"
"We. Must. Tell. Others." said Tiffany, taking out her ice blue cell phone. Stacy took out
her hot pink cell phone. Brooke took out her lavender cell phone.
"Brooke," said Quinn. "Do you like being vice president of the Fashion Club?"
"Y-yes."
"Then I suggest you start color co-ordinating." Quinn glared at the saffron sundress Brooke
was wearing, clashing with the lavender cell phone.
"Oh! I-I'm sorry Quinn."
"Don't let it happen again." Quinn smiled to herself. Her dream of being an only child stood
a chance of coming true, and on live TV! She never realized it, but her position as president of
the Fashion Club was starting to corrupt her.
In Tokyo, Ingaki and a bellboy showed the Formidable Four their suite at the Imperial Hotel.
"May, I, have, autograph?" the boy asked in halting English. They scribbled their names down just
to make him go away. He bowed and left.
"I suggest you get some rest." said Ingaki. "We begin filming at nine in the morning. It is
one in the afternoon now, should you care to reset your watches. Good day." He bowed and left.
"Who the hell can rest at a time like this?" asked Daria. Jesse opened his bag and took out
a bottle.
"Take two of these with water." he said. "They'll put you to sleep in no time." He started
out the door.
"Where are you going?" asked Jane.
"I need some air." he walked out.
"I'll go with you." Jane offered.
"No, if you don't mind, I need to be alone."
Jesse went down to the lobby and asked the information desk if there were any Catholic churches
in the area. Fortunatly, the person at the desk spoke English and knew of a chapel four blocks
down the street. It was a small place, so unlike the marble and stained glass cathedral
Jesse remembered from his childhood. He genuflected on entering and went to the confessional.
"Father, please tell me you speak English. Or Spanish at least."
"I speak English." The voice on the other side of the screen didn't even have an accent.
"Father, it has been-um-about 12 years since my last confession."
"That's a long time, child."
"Yeah, I kinda lost faith since then. Sin number one. After my mother and brother died, I
just couldn't believe anymore. God could've done something, but he didn't."
"My child, life comes with suffering. And free will."
Jesse pondered this. His mother hadn't willed herself to die. He couldn't make the same
argument for his brother. "OK, list of sins. Hope you have a lot of time on your hands. I've had
premarital sex, but it's just one girl and we use protection. Oh, wait, that's a sin too. I've
probably used the Lord's name in vain a few times. I've played gigs with my rock band on Sundays.
I haven't been to church since I was a kid. I've cussed out my dad, but only when he'd been
drinking. I've lost count of how many times I've masturbated. I've eaten hamburgers on Friday."
"Child, do you mind telling me why the sudden urge to confess 12 years of sins?"
"You know this TV show called /Slashers/?"
"I'm sorry to say I do."
"They've kidnapped my little brother. They're forcing me to compete on the show and rescue him."
"That show is blasphemy to all that is holy." said the priest. "I am sorry that you are in
such a position. But, it is written in John 15:13, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man
lay down his life for his friends.' You have my blessing to go on this show to rescue your brother.
Do you wish me to perform Last Rites for you, child?"
"I-I'd rather not."
"Then I will pray for you. And in the name of Jesus and the Holy Virgin I abslolve you. Go
in peace, my child."
"Thanks. Father, three of my friends are being forced to compete just as I am. Could you
pray for them too?"
"I will."
Jesse went back to the hotel. Only Daria was awake. "I was really curious." she said. "You've
never been to Tokyo, where would you have gone?"
"Confession. Haven't done it in 12 years, and might never be able to again."
"Jesse, don't think like that."
"I'm trying not to. That's why I refused Last Rites. You know what they say, no atheists in the foxholes."
"Jesse, you believe what you have to believe, but I'm gonna have faith in myself, as always."
"Daria, I just want you to know that I like you. You're a good person to have as a friend.
I know you probably think I'm some stupid lunkhead, but I like you anyway. I just wanted to say
that in case...."
"Jesse, I never said I didn't like you. And stop acting like a condemned man, it's giving
me the creeps." She sighed. "I think you're a good person to have as a friend too."
"Did Trent and Jane take the pills?"
"Yeah."
"Then they'll be out for eight hours. No use waking them. There's so much I want to tell
them. Guess it'll have to wait." He took two of the pills with a glass of water and lied down on
the empty futon next to Jane. Daria followed suit.
It was almost midnight when they all woke up. Jesse and Jane went down to the lobby, leaving
Trent and Daria alone to make love for what might be the last time. Two hours later, they returned
the favor. They all stood on the balcony to see the sun rise. Meanwhile, in Lawndale, guests
were arriving at Brittany's house to watch /Slashers/ later that night.
It was an interresting cross-section of students at Brittany's house. Jocks and brains tolerated
each other for the night. Danny's computer club and roll playing group were there. The goths were not
about to miss on the gory event of the year. Brittany answered the door once more.
"Oh, hi, Iggy!" she squeaked to the girl outside. "How's the modeling career going?"
"I wised up to the fact that there just isn't a market for chubby red-heads like me. I've
decided to be a veteranarian instead."
"You're gonna join the Army?"
Iggy sighed. "My big brother Max and his friend Nick wanna watch. Is that OK?"
"Mmmmm...OK!"
"Place your bets, people." said Andrea. "2-1 odds on Hercules, 3-1 odds on Flamin' Jane,
4-1 odds on both Phantom and Sir Stretchalot."
"Andrea, that's sick!" said Jodi. "They could die!"
"What's wrong with me making some cash in the process?" she shrugged.
"Fifty on Herc." said Max.
"Those are our friends, you sick bastard!" said Nick.
"Hey, I want them to live. Especially Jesse, he's making me money."
"I have a cousin in Kyoto who likes this show." said Mima. "He's on the waiting list."
"Hey, it's starting!" said Kevin.
"It's time for SSSSSSSSSSlashers!" Miho's voice over announced. The crowd cheered as the gory
opening sequence played on the monitor. The Slasherettes went into their routine with their macabre
skull pom-poms. "And here is our host, M.C Takaaki!"
M.C. Takaaki came on stage and greeted a crowd of enthusiastic gore fans, many holding signs
in both English and Japanese. Some Friends of Humanity had snagged front row seats and were bearing
"Kill the Mutants" signs. "We have extra special contestants tonight!" Takiaaki announced
in Japanese. On Brittany's TV, English captions rolled across the bottom of the screen. "All the
way from Lawndale, Massachusettes, USA, the Formidable Four!" Cheers followed. "The lovely Miho
Taguchi will introduce them." The crowd (especially the male half) went wild when Miho appeared.
"Thank you! Domo Arigatu!" The four made their way on stage. They all wore collars with red baubles
on them- the pacifiers. Daria tried to look her usual impassivness. Trent tried once more to wake
up from what had to be a nightmare. Jesse was hyperventalating. Jane held his hand, trying not
to let on how scared she was.
"We have Dalia Morgendorfer,("That's Daria!" she protested) her invisibility power makes her
better known as Phantom! Also with us, Trent Lane, he can stretch any part of his body to great
length, earning him the title Sir Stretchalot! And his sister, Jane Lane, able to shoot balls of
fire, her codename is Flamin' Jane! And this bishonen's name is Jesse Moreno, but because of his
super strength you can call him Hercules!" Miho slipped a piece of paper in Jesse's back pocket.
"Call me if you make it out alive." she whispered, followed by a pat on the butt. "And now, lets
go over the rules. There are none! Do whatever it takes to survive! Violence, nudity, it's all good!
For the Formidable Four, we make some new rule. They will only be allowed to use their powers for
5 minute at a time. Any longer, and they will be pacified, and we don't want that, do we? Also,
it is not enough for them to simply survive. At the end of our labyrinth is a dungeon where a
relative for each contestant is being kept. Each contestant must make it to the dungeon, free his
or her hostage, and make it back through the labyrinth. Any one who come out alive win 6 million
dollar! 7 million if hostage is still alive.
"Now, I will ask each one if they are ready and give them each a key that will free their
person." She approached Daria. "Dalia, are you game?"
"That's Daria! And yeah, I'm game." Miho put a string around Daria's neck that a key dangled from.
"Trent, are you game?"
"Yeah, I'm game." She put the key around his neck.
"Jane, are you..."
"Gimme the damn key!" Miho smiled and did so.
"Jesse, are you game?" Jesse stood stock still, in a cold sweat. "Uh-oh, look like someone don't
love his little brother so much."
"Wait, I'm game." he finally said. Miho gave him the key. Takaaki escourted them to the
elevator.
"And now, a quick look at our hostages." said Miho. They cut to the dungeon-cam. Everyone
was still shackled to the wall. "She is a 40 year old research scientist from DuPont Industries
and Phantom's favorite aunt, Amy Barksdale! He is a 15 year old interested in computer science
and Hercules' kid brother, Daniel Moreno! She is a 50 year old potter and Flamin' Jane's mom,
Amanda Lane! He is a 52 year old photographer and Sir Stretchalot's dad, Vincent Lane!"
"And now, the Slashers!" The crowd went wild. "We have something special. To make things
interesting, one of our two Slashers also has mutant powers. Her heart is as cold as the ice she
creates. She will freeze you in your tracks. Don't you dare call her frigid! All the way from
Winnepeg, Canada, give it up for the Frost Queen!"
The Frost Queen arrived in a snow flurry she created herself. She wore a skimpy blue and
white outfit and a mask that seemed to be made of icicles. She also wore a pacifier on her neck.
"Just chill." she said icily.
"Our other slasher, the T-rex of touchdowns, he's Hell in a helmet, QB Doom!"
QB Doom came on stage dressed in some sort of body armor made of football pads. "They will
DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!" Doom proclamed.
"Whoa!" cried Kevin. "Tommy Sherman's a Slasher! That is so cool!"
"Kevvie, he's a jerk!" said Brittany.
Meanwhile, in the elevator, Jane tried to calm down a trembling Jesse. "We gotta decide
right now." said Trent. "Do we all stick together or do we split up?"
"I can't do this alone." said Jesse. "If I get hysterical, I need someone to slap me out of it."
"I'll go with you." saaid Jane. "If anyone is gonna slap Jesse, it's gonna be me."
"Great." said Trent. "Daria, you stick by me."
"Contestants," said a voice overhead. "Get ready to enter the arena." Jesse broke out in
a cold sweat. "It's gonna be OK, Jess." Jane whispered.
The doors opened. The Four hit the ground running. Daria and Trent ran one way, Jane and
Jesse ran the other. Jane and Jesse hadn't run far when QB Doom jumped Jane and put a six inch
blade to her throat. "Well, if it ithn't Lane'th baby thithter!" he lisped.
"Let her go, Sherman!" Jesse demanded.
"Whatcha gonna do, fag?" he pressed the blade closer to Jane's throat, nicking the skin.
"Don't worry, it'th to early in the game to kill anyone. But I can do /thith/!" He used his blade
to cut off Jane's shirt and bra, leaving her half naked. "Your brother'th the one I want!" he ran
off, laughing evilly.
Back in Lawndale, the boys at Brittany's party cheered. "Alright!" said Kevin. "Some full frontal!"
"Kevvie!" Brittany scolded.
"Her boobs aren't as nice as yours, Babe." Brittany glowed at Kevin's complement.
"It's a good thing QB ripped her top off." said Quinn. "It totally clashed with her choker."
Jane tried to cover herself. Jesse took off his leather vest (It was now the girls' turn to
cheer.) and gave it to her. As he did, he saw a trickle of blood on her neck and went into convulsions. "Jesse, don't make me do this." said Jane. Jesse didn't seem to hear her. He let out a primal scream of terror. "JESSE!" Jane
slapped him across the face. He started to calm down. "Look, it's just a scratch. I'll be fine."
"I guess I'll be fine too." They started walking.
"Oh man," said Jane. "I guess I panicked too. I could've flamed on and made him let go. But
when he put that knife to my throat I was so scared I couldn't think straight. You gonna be OK?"
"Yeah. I took a fistful of Xanax this morning."
"Sure that's a good idea? You once said it slows down your reaction time."
"Umm, Andrea?" asked Kevin.
"Sorry, all bets are final." she answered.
"If I didn't take the pills," said Jesse. "I would probably be in a corner in the fetal
position crying and shaking. I'd be completly useless."
"Jesse, I watched a couple of these shows. They won't kill you if you're in the middle of
telling someone your backstory. Why don't you tell me why you're so freaked out."
"The sight of blood just- totally creeps me out." he answered. "Usually, I throw up, faint,
or both."
"You seem OK with horror movies."
"Fooled you, didn't I? First of all, in the back of my mind I know it's all make-believe.
I know that after the scene was filmed the actor got up, probably went to her trailer for a shower
and got a fat check signed by Wes Craven a week or so later. Even then, if you'll notice, I pay
more attention to the popcorn than the screen." He sighed. "It all started when I was ten. After
my mom died my dad started drinking real heavily. He and my big brother Matt would get into these
huge screaming fights. Danny was only three. They'd fight, I'd hold my baby brother while he cried.
He didn't understand anything. He doesn't even remember it now. One day, I came home from
school. I went up to Matt's room to ask him for help on my homework. He-he was on the bed." Tears
swam in Jesse's eyes. "He shot himself. I don't remember much that happened after that. Guess I
blocked it out. It took years of therapy to get rid of the stutter I developed. Maybe the speech
therapy was for the best. That's where I learned to sing. I don't blame myself for what happened
to Matt anymore, but to this day I can't look at blood without becoming a complete basket case."
"Wanna know something weird?" said Jane. "Your hemophobia is probably what caused me to
start thinking of you as more than just my brother's quiet friend. I was thirteen. Yeah, I know,
raging hormones, whatever. I came home from the art supply store one day to see you and Trent in
the kitchen. You were in Trent's arms and kinda leaned over the table. At first I thought the two
of you decided to be more that just good friends. Trent told me you fainted and he needed my help
getting you to the couch. He told me you cut your finger trying to get a brownie. When we got you
to the couch, Trent told me to hold your hand up while he grabbed a band-aid. My first
thought was Why did he faint over such a tiny cut? Then, I noticed how soft your hand was and
how pretty your face was. Then you woke up and asked me for a brownie."
"I get hungry when I have fainting spells." he shrugged.
Meanwhile, in Lawndale, Luis Moreno called Sam Higgens. "Sam, you have to help me. I-I think
I might start drinking again....No, I know it's not a good choice, but I just found out both of
my boys are gone. And I may never see them again!" The Morgendorfers never found the note Daria
left. Quinn told them she was at Jane's for the night. They slept in peaceful ignorance.
In Highland, Beavis and Butt-Head were at Stewart's house. The Stevenson's had satelite TV.
"Cool!" said Butt-Head, turning it to Tokyo TV. "/Slashers/ is on!"
"You guys," said Stewart. "My parents won't let me watch that. It gives me nightmares."
"Whoa!" said Beavis. "Check it out, Diarrhea is on the show! Huh-huh, maybe she'll take
her top off! That would be cool!"
"Hey, there's that butt-munch who kept trying to touch me. Hope he buys it."
"Huh-huh, let's hex him!"
Back in Lawndale, at stately Sloan manor, Tom watched TV all alone. He had no real friends
and his girlfriend dumped him after she found out he was running around on her. Hey, he thought.
That girl getting her top ripped off by QB Doom looks just like that mutant bitch who burned me
at the club. Literally. He looked at his bandaged hand. I hope she gets her fucking throat slit!
Daria and Trent made their way through the labyrinth. When they came to a place where the
path split Trent said "Do we go right or left?" before Daria could answer she screamed and fell
over frontwards. A knife was lodged in her left shoulder. QB Doom laughed, and flung another knife
in Trent's direction. He managed to dodge it. "Sherman!" he yelled.
"It'th all over, Lane! You'll pay for the thuffering you've cauthed me!"
Trent picked up the thrown knife. "Daria, don't move." he whispered to her. "Sherman, if
you want a knife fight, you'll get one!" QB Doom rushed at Trent, blade drawn. Trent swerved and
thrust his blade into Doom's ribs, only to tear the makeshift armor he made from football pads.
They pushed away from each other and began to warily circle each other like a pair of wolves.
They were sizing up each other, gauging strengths and weknesses. Doom was born to compete, especially
when it involved hurting someone. He took a slash at Trent's face. It barely scratched him. Doom
ducked as Trent sliced at him. Doom jumped back. "You thould be bleeding all over the plathe!" he
complained.
"Rubber skin." Trent replied. "I'm surprised you did that much damage."
"Diamond tipped knife."
Doom made another feint. Trent parried. They got in close. In a desperate move, Trent kneed
Doom in the groin. He only laughed. "It'th called a jock cup." he sneered.
"I almotht pity you, Lane." he said as he struck at him. "You make it to eathy!"
"And you talk to much!" Trent rammed the knife into Doom's belly. Doom froze, dropped the
knife and fell. Trent left him and went to Daria. He pulled the knife out of her shoulder, making
her cry out again. "Just hold still." he told her. He took off her leather jacket, the one he gave
her for Valentine's. Ruined now, but it ultimatly saved her life. He took off her shirt and his
and started ripping them into bandages.
"Aren't they supposed to go to the Love Room to do that?" asked Kevin.
"Well," said Jodi. "Everyone got topless before the first commercial break. That's a record."
"The wound isn't to deep." said Trent, tying the strips of cloth together. "And it's your
off shoulder. You'll be fine." He helped her up and they ran away.
"Everyone stay where you are." said an overhead voice. "/Slashers/ is pausing for a commercial
break. Any attempt to move from where you are now will result in pacification." Daria and Trent
stood and held each other.
In Lawndale, everyone watched an ad for Black Lung cigarettes. "I wanna audition for /Slashers/
someday." Brittany decided.
"Uh, Babe," said Kevin. "I know it's 6 million dollars, but do you really wanna go toe to
toe with Chainsaw Charly?"
"And get icky blood all over me? No! I wanna try out for the Slasherettes! I'm real good
at jumping up and down and I can do the splits!"
"One problem, Brittany." said Jodi. "All the Slasherettes are Japanese, Chinese, Korean-I
think one is Vietnamese. Your blonde hair and blue eyes would make you stick out like a sore thumb."
"Oh." Brittany twirled her pigtails and thought-not an easy task for her. "I know!" she said.
"I can train Tiffany and Mima to be cheerleaders, get them to audition for the Slasherettes, and
it'll be like I'm a Slasherette, only vibrationally."
"I assume you mean vicariously." said Jodi.
"Whatever." Brittany grabbed the two Asian girls. "Come on, Mima and Tiffany, let's start
training!"
"I. Don't. Know." said Tiffany. "Sweat. Eew."
"Brittany, I'm just not interested." said Mima.
Brittany ignored their protests and put a Baha Men CD in the hifi. "Just do what I do!" She
went into a routine to the beat of "Move It Like This." Tiffany's stick thin body made her move
with all the grace of a scarecrow. Mima folded her arms and refused to move at all. "Mima!" said
Brittany. "If you can do that Hong Kong Fuey stuff, I know you can cheerlead!"
"I assume you mean Kung fu." Mima sighed. "And I don't. Kung fu is a broad term covering
several /Chinese/ techniques of martial arts. I do the Japanese techniques of karate and judo."
"What's the differance?" shrugged Kevin.
"Stand up." said Mima. "This is karate." She rained a series of chops on Kevin's neck and
shoulders. "This is judo." She sent Kevin into a judo roll.
"Ow!" Kevin groaned, getting up. "That hurt!"
"Once more!" said Mima. "Karate!" She kicked Kevin in the stomache. He doubled over in pain.
"Judo!" She flipped him over.
"Quiet!" said Quinn. "It's back on."
Trent and Daria were making their way through the labyrinth. "Yo, camera dude." Trent said
to the man with the camera. "You wouldn't happen to know which way to the dungeon, would you?" He said nothing.
"Forget it, Trent." said Daria. "Silence is his motto."
"That or he doesn't speak English."
"I speak Engrish." said the camera man in a heavy accent. "I ter you dis much. Tark of
something intresting. For examper, QB Doom seem to have vendetta against Sir Stretcharot. Why?"
"OK." said Trent. "I've known Tommy Sherman, AKA QB Doom, since we were in kindergarten.
He was always the class bully. He saw something he wanted, he took it. The hell with anyone else.
He was always a bit of a sadist too. Liked to torture bugs and small animals. Picked on anyone
smaller than him. He was a big kid too. He wouldn't bully me cuz I wouldn't let him. He liked
picking on my best friend Jesse. Jesse kinda stuttered when he was a kid. Kids are cruel."
"Humanity is cruel." said Daria. "It wasn't kids who put us in this death trap."
"You got a point. Anyway, in high school, Jesse was starting to get bigger than Tommy. He
got jealous and made fun of him more. If Jesse benched 100 in gym class he'd say only fags lifted
weights without playing football. Lots of girls liked Jesse. There's some unwritten rule saying
girls can't ask out guys-I think it's pretty stupid-so, they'd ask me to set them up. The dates
would only last a night or two. Jesse can get kinda shy around girls. Tommy saw that as a threat.
He'd rag on Jesse every chance he got. He'd get his friends into the act too. Luckily, Jesse's
got some good friends too. Me, Max, Nick, sometimes Axl would stand up to him. Around graduation,
Tommy's girlfriend, a cheerleader named Candy, informed us that Tommy and his friends were gonna
chant 'fag' when Jesse's name was called. We didn't go to the ceremony and later that night,
Tommy Sherman murdered Candy Appels."
"Candy Appels?" said Daria. "Was she a cheerleader or a porn star?"
"That was her name." Trent faced the camera. "Did anyone in Lawndale hear that? Tommy Sherman
killed Candy Appels! He told me once when he thought he was going to kill me."
"See Kevvie!" said Brittany. "I told you he was a jerk!"
"But he's still cool." Kevin got an idea. "Hey, cool. Jerk. Cool Jerk! Get it?" He stood up
and danced. "I know a cat who can really do the Cool Jerk!"
"Sit down so we can watch this!" said Quinn.
"I saved his life once." Trent continued. "He was standing next to this goalpost that had
been dedicated to him, bragging about what a big man he was on the field when the wind started to
blow the post over. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to warn him so I stretched my arms
across the field and pushed him out of the way. I don't know why I did it. Gratitude isn't in
Sherman's vocabulary."
"A lot of words aren't in Sherman's vocabulary." said Daria.
"Good one." Trent smiled. "When I pushed Sherman out of harm's way he lost one of his front
teeth. That's why he talks with a lisp. He'll stop at nothing to get even." He gave Daria the
bloody knife he had pulled from her shoulder. "Here, you might need a weapon later."
Daria had distastefully taken the knife when a huge icicle broke at their feet. "Enough of
this!" cried Frost Queen. She leapt from the rafters and summersaulted to the floor. She landed
in a crouch and said "Who's up for a snowball fight?"
"What have you got against us, Frost Queen?" Daria asked, readying her knife. "All we want
is to save the hostages. None of us even know you."
"I'm in it for the money." Frost Queen replied. "What else?" She hurled a jet of frost at
Trent, who was coming at her with his knife. Daria jumped Frost Queen from behind, slashing her
bare back. Frost Queen shrieked and turned. "That fucking hurt!" she yelled.
"You're the one wearing the skimpy costume." said Daria.
"Oh, you're a fine one to talk, Miss A-cup!" Daria was only wearing a bra, jeans and the
makeshift bandages.
Daria went invisible and fought Frost Queen. She couldn't fight what she couldn't see. After
struggling briefly, Frost Queen summoned a snow storm. The floor was covered with ice and snow.
Daria could barely walk without slipping and her footprints in the snow gave away her location.
Frost Queen seemed to have no trouble walking on ice. "Now we're even, Phantom!" she said. After
a few minutes of tossling with the snow mutant, Daria felt a severe electric shock.
"Your time limit has expired." said an overhead voice. "You must become visible now." It took
another shock to spur Daria. As she became visable, Frost Queen readied an icicle aimed at Daria's
throat. Daria noticed Frost Queen wore snowflake shaped earrings. She reached up and yanked on one.
Frost Queen screached and grabbed her torn earlobe. "You bitch!" she screamed. Daria gave her a
boot to the head, knocking her unconscous. She turned her attention to Trent, who was completly
encased in ice save for his head and right arm.
"Forget about me, Daria." he said. "Get outta here before she wakes up."
"I won't leave you!" She started picking away at the ice with her knife.
"Forget it, it's too thick." he said. "Go rescue your aunt. Tell Dad I'm sorry."
"Trent, don't you dare make me cry on television."
"Just leave already."
"No!"
"Leave or I'll start quoting from /Titanic/."
"You always had a way of getting me to do things. I love you." she kissed him. He stroked
her hair with his free hand.
"I love you too." he said gently. "Now go." She reluctantly left him. He never let on that
the ice felt like thousands of little pins and needles stinging his flesh. I've been tattooed and
pierced. he reminded himself. I can take it. He started to worry when the stinging stopped. He
couldn't feel anything.
Jane and Jesse made their way through the labyrinth. With a cruel laugh, QB Doom turned the
corner, a machette in his hands. "Lane thought he was bad getting me in the thtomache," Doom had
used his jersey as a makesift bandage. "You will both die!"
"I'm not afraid of you anymore, Sherman!" Jesse yelled, standing in front of Jane.
"Keep telling yourthelf that, Fag." said QB Doom. "Maybe you'll beleive it."
Doom slashed at Jesse. He ducked and did a sweep kick. Doom was down. Jesse jumped on him
and clasped the helmeted head between his hands. He started to sqeeze. The helmet began to crack.
Doom reached for his dropped machette. Just as he was about to stab Jesse in the back, Jane threw
a thin jet of flame at his hand, causing him to drop the blade.
"Fucking bitch!" He yelled.
"DON'T EVER CALL HER THAT!" Jesse went completly berserk. He picked Doom up and smashed him
against the wall hard enough to leave a hole. He beat Doom's head against the floor several times.
He knelt on Doom's chest and swung at him, ignoring his own bleeding knuckles. Jane tried to tell
him to stop, but he didn't listen. He grabbed Doom's throat and sqeezed untill it came off- revealing
sparking wires and circuitry.
"He-he was a robot!" said Jane.
"Yeah." Jesse panted. He looked down at his bloodied hands. He suddenly realized that all
the hurt and rage he had tried so hard to bottle up all these years had finally been unleashed.
Jesse wept.
Jane took his hands. "Jesse, we better keep moving."
They came across Trent, who was trying hard not to lose consciousness. The floor was slick
and Frost Queen lay nearby. "Trent," said Jane, slapping his cheek. "Trent, stay awake."
"Ugh, so c-cold." he muttered.
"I'll have you out in a minute. Jesse, make sure Frost Queen doesn't wake up and try anything
funny." Jane put her hands on Trent's frozen shoulder and slowly turned on her flames, like she
did with the popcorn. The ice began to melt. Jane moved her hands down, melting more ice. She was
alarmed at the blanched pallor her brother's flesh had taken. Frost Queen came to. Jesse seized
her hands and held them behind her back. Jane continued to melt the ice. She was almost
finished when Trent began to stumble forward. She caught him and got him to sit down while she
finished.
"Janey, I can't feel my legs." he said.
"Jesse," said Jane. "Get Trent out of here. I'll handle the Frost Queen."
Jesse let Frost Queen go and picked Trent up in a fireman's carry. As they left, Frost Queen
got to her feet. "I will so enjoy this." she said, hurling a jet of ice at Jane. Jane countered
with a jet of fire. Both jets desintigrated in the air. "It appears our powers cancel each other."
"It appears." Jane approached Frost Queen, ready to fight hand to hand.
"But, how well do you fight on an icy floor?" She made the floor even more slick with ice.
Jane slipped. Frost Queen hurled an icicle at her. Jane rolled out of the way and tossed a fireball
at her attacker. It knocked her down and gave her a third degree burn on her breasts. She screamed
in pain.
"Regretting your choice of costume?" asked Jane, getting back on her feet.
"Die, bitch!" Frost Queen drew back her hand.
"Attention," said the over head voice. "/Slashers/ is pausing for another comercial break.
(Shit! hissed Frost Queen.) Any attempt to move will result in pacification."
"You know," said Jane. "I'm getting real sick of being called a bitch."
Jesse heard the announcer and stood in the coridor with Trent still slung over his shoulder.
"Jess," Trent said.
"Yeah?"
"Would you mind taking your hand off my butt?"
"Oh, sorry." He moved his hand. "Hey, that means you're not totally frozen. You can still
feel things."
"I think I'm starting to thaw." He experimentally squeezed his formerly frozen arm. The
skin was deathly cold and felt like it was being bruised even with a small squeeze. At least it
was something.
Daria found herself in a strange room. While all the other rooms and corridors of the
labyrinth were dark and spooky, this room was painted cotton candy pink and was furnished with
a fluffy canopy bed. "Great, I'm in Quinn's room." she thought. "I really am in Hell."
"Attention," said the voice. "Commercial break will be over in 4,3,2..."
Daria made her way to a door on the other side. QB Doom was there waiting for her. She tried
to slam the door in his face. He grabbed it and muscled his way in. Daria ran to the other door,
only to find it locked. QB Doom laughed and barred the door he came through. "A little joke they
like to play on Thlatherth." he said. "Thometimeth, the door lockth behind you."
"Trent stabbed you in the gut! You shouldn't be here!"
"He and the fag only dithpatched one of my QB-bots. You know where you are?"
"Strawberry Shortcake's boudoir?" Daria guessed.
Doom laughed evily. "My dear mithery chick, you are in the Love Room! I can think of no
better way to get vengeanth on Lane than by raping and killing his girlfriend!"
"Over my dead body!"
"Not a bad idea." Doom raised a machette above his head and came after her. Daria went
invisible and ducked.
Meanwhile, Jane and Frost Queen were slugging it out. Jane was melting Frost Queen's ice
as fast as she could make it. "We could be here all day doing this, Firey One." said Frost Queen.
"I'm all for an old fashioned cat fight if you are." said Jane.
"Music to my ears." Frost Queen clawed at Jane's face with her nails. Jane grabbed a
fistful of white-blonde hair and pulled. The two scratched, kicked and bit.
"Whoa, huh-huh," said Butt-Head. "Chick fights are cool."
"Yeah, huh-huh." agreed Beavis. "Maybe they'll kiss."
"You guys." Stewart said affectionatly.
Jesse came to a door and opened it. "Trent," he said. "I think I found the dungeon."
"My parents," said Trent. "Are they OK?"
"See for yourself." He took Trent's half frozen body off his shoulder and propped him against
a wall. All the hostages were there, shackled to the wall. Jesse took off his key and went to
Danny. "Hang on, little bro." he said and unlocked the shackles. "You know, I could probably let
everyone else go too." He reached for Amy's shackles and attempted to break them. A severe shock
stopped him in his tracks.
"You are only allowed to free /your/ hostage." said the Voice.
"Take your brother and run." said Amy "We'll be fine."
"Jess," said Trent. "I still can't walk. And my stretch powers aren't working."
Jesse carried Trent to where his father was shackled. Trent unlocked the fetters.
"Trent," said Vincent. "We've been watching on the monitor. I heard what you said to Daria.
Trent, /I'm/ the one who should be sorry."
"We'll talk about it later, Dad." said Trent.
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Don't lie to me, son. I know frostbite when I see it."
"Mom, Janey's coming for you."
"I know she is. Trent, I-"
"Like I said, we'll talk about it later." Trent kissed his mother's cheek. Tears came to
her eyes. She suddenly realized she hadn't kissed her youngest son since he was very little.
"Touching." said Amy. "But is anyone watching the monitor? You better hustle over to the
Love Room. QB Doom is planning to have his way with Daria."
"That son of a bitch!" said Trent. "I'll kill him!"
"Let's go." Jesse hefted Trent back on to his shoulder.
In the Love Room, QB Doom swung his machete in every direction. An invisible Daria was keeping
her distance while looking for a way to fight or flee. A nerve racking shock assaulted Daria's
body. "Your five minutes has expired." said the Voice.
"He's gonna kill me, you dickhead!" Daria responded. Another shock. She became visable.
QB Doom tackled her onto the bed. He put a hand on her throat and a padded knee on her stomache.
He used his machete to cut away at her jeans. "You take what you take." Daria told him. "I give
you nothing!"
Just then, Vincent and Danny battered down the door with a ram they made from one of the
prop tables. Jesse hit Doom- with Trent.
"That fucking hurt!" said Trent.
"Sorry, reflex." Jesse responded.
"You will pay!" Doom swung his blade, slashing Vincent across the chest.
"NO!" Trent screamed.
Jesse grabbed Doom from behind, trying to restrain him. Doom responded with a fist to the
nose. Blood spurted out. Daria grabbed a splintered board and helped Jesse attack Doom. Trent tended
to his father.
"Go on, Trent," Vincent gasped in pain. "Leave me."
"No," he said. "Dad, I have to save you."
"You already have." Vincent closed his eyes and slipped into unconscousness.
"No, Dad, Dad! Dammit, don't you die on me." He took off Vincent's shirt and started dressing
the wound. He took a pulse. Thready, but there. He realized the shirt wouldn't be enough. To hell
with modesty. he decided and took off his jeans.
Daria and Jesse finally had Doom subdued. Jesse held him on the bed while Daria put Doom's
own machete to his throat. "We could just kill him." she said.
"But, that's not our way." said Jesse.
"Fine, Mr. Morality." Daria took back the blade. "Just KO him then."
"With pleasure." Jesse punched hard enough to break through the helmet and knock out Doom.
"Your aunt's in the dungeon. Keep following the corridor we came out of and turn right. Can't miss it."
"Thanks." Daria went to rescue her aunt. She paused when she saw Trent.
"Just go." he said before she could say anything. She left. "Jesse, get my dad out of here."
"I'm going to save both of you." he said decisivly. "Two of you together are only, what, 300
or so pounds? Super strength, remember?"
"Dad's hurt bad. You can't just toss him over your shoulder."
Jesse took Vincent into his arms. "Danny," he said. "Help Trent get on my back. We're
hauling our asses outta here."
"All right!" Danny helped Trent on to Jesse's back. He wrapped his arms around his neck,
preparing to be carried piggyback.
"Let's go." said Trent.
Daria came to the dungeon. "Ready to go, Aunt Amy?" she said, taking out the key.
"You bet." Daria had just released her when Jane limped in. Her hair was torn and she was
covered in claw and bite marks.
"Let's get the hell outta here, Mom." she said, unlocking her mother's shackles. Amanda
embraced her daughter. "Uh, Mom, you do know we're on TV, right?"
"I don't care." she sobbed. "I'm never letting you go again, Baby!"
Jane hugged her. "What about the bit about the butterflies?" she said a bit wryly.
"I've been so very wrong, Janey." said Amanda. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"I'm saving you, aren't I?"
"Let's go before I get cavities." said Daria.
The four women made their way back through the labyrinth. Suddenly, QB Doom leaped in their
path. "You thoulda killed me." he said, waving his machete menacingly. "I won't thow you any
thuch merthy!"
"Is he serious?" asked Amy.
"Like a heart attack." Daria replied.
"Flame on!" Jane threw a fireball at Doom. His padded armor became a firey prison he could
not escape. "That was for ripping my top off!" The four women made a run for it as Doom tried
desperatly to extinguish his burning body.
The whole group met at the elevator. The Voice announced that the show was now over.
"Oh wow! I can't believe it!" said Miho. "All four contestants are alive /and/ so are the
hostages! Let's give them all a big hand!" They found themselves looking out at an audiance who
found their hellish ordeal entertaining. "You win seven million dollar each! You must all feel
very proud!"
Daria punched Miho in the face.
"Turn that fucking camera off!" yelled Jane. She destroyed it with a fireball.
Dammit, thought Quinn. Now not only do I still have Daria as a sister, but she's richer
than me too!
/Slashers/ kept medics on hand for after the show. Miho was given an ice pack. Vincent
required 52 stitches to close his wound. Jesse's bloody nose and knuckles were treated. He was
given a sedative when he started going into convulsions. Jane's scratches were disinfected. Daria's
stab wound needed 17 stitches and her cuts were bandaged. The only thing that would help Trent
was a warm bath.
Back in the Imperial Hotel, the Formidable Four packed while reuniting with their loved
ones. "I'll tell Trent we're almost ready to go." said Daria. She headed for the bathroom.
"Daria, wait." said Amanda. She gave her a huge hug. "Welcome to the family."
"Uh, Thanks, Mrs. Lane."
"Amanda." She leaned forward and whispered. "I think you're just what Trent needs."
Daria went in the bathroom. Trent had fallen asleep in the bath tub. She kissed him awake.
"Hey, Daria." he smiled.
"Hey yourself. Feeling any better?"
"Still kinda tingly, but I can move my toes again. I can probably walk now, but I think I
better wait a few days before I use my stretch powers. Get me a towel?"
"Sure." She got the towel from the rack. She noticed a sign that read "It is forbidden to
steal towels from hotel. If you are not person to do such thing, please disregard this notice." She read it to Trent. He thought it was funny.
They were all packed when there was a knock at the door. It was Ingaki.
"If you value your life," growled Jane. "You'll get the hell outta my sight right now!"
"Ah, if you please, Miss Lane," he said with a bow. "I only come to present you with your
checks." He presented four checks. "I am honorable man, after all."
"Honorable," sniffed Daria. "You imprisoned the people we love, nearly got us all killed in
the name of entertainment and you /dare/ call yourself honorable?"
"Well, if you don't want your money," he began.
"She didn't say she didn't want the money." said Amy.
"But," said Daria.
"Daria, this money could really help put you through college."
"But," she protested.
"But me no buts, Missy." said Amy. "Take the money."
As the Formidable Four flew back to Lawndale, Ingaki got a call on his cell phone. It was
Arcade. "I saw the show, Ingaki." he said. "I didn't like it."
"They survived, our viewers were entertained. What's not to like?"
"I'll deal with you later, Ingaki!" Arcade hung up and sighed. He glared at the client sitting
across the deak from him. "I'm terribly sorry, sir." he said. "This is the first time I've ever
had to give someone their money back." He pushed the briefcase of money across the desk.
"Thith maketh me very upthet, Mithter Arcade. But mark my wordth, I thwear that one day I
will have my vengeanth on Trent Lane and the Formidable Four!"
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
If I hadn't been looking at that girl doing cartwheels with no panties, we wouldn't be in
this mess!
Ummm...IsawJessenaked.
I love you, man!
Are you laughing at me, or laughing with me?
It's enough to make Sonny Bono turn over in his grave.
(A/N) /$la$her$/ belongs to Maurice Devereaux. After seeing his film I wondered how the Formidable
Four would handle the situation. Music haters
probably liked this fic. The only songs mentioned were Bootsy Collin's "Cool Jerk" and Baha Men's "Move It Like This". I didn't quote the lyrics to the song because
they're inane and repetitive. Just the thing Brittany would listen to. Music haters will hate the
next fic. It involves a mind controlling Kareoke machine.
Japanese translations are as follows:
Komici wa = Hello
Yoshi = Good
Domo Arigatu = Thank You
bishonen = beautiful boy
A note on Jesse and religion. I figured he might have come from a religious family because
his name and Danny's (OK, Daniel) are both
biblical. Jesse means "God is". In the Bible, Jesse was the name of David's father. Daniel means
"God will judge me" and is the name of a prophet
who was thrown to the lions for refusing to renounce God. Matt (Or Matthew), the brother I made
up, shares a name with an appostle and his name
means "Gift of God". The name Moreno comes from an old Spanish word meaning "changed one". It was
applied to Jews, Muslims and Gypsies
who converted to Catholicism during the Spanish Inquisition. By the by, I'm agnostic myself but
I respect the rights of others to belive what they
will as long as they don't try to force their beliefs on me. I also find that nothing pisses off
a right-wing conservative Christian more than an
agnostic who knows the Bible.