When Remus woke up the next morning, he felt the wrongness stretched taut across the dawn, before he even remembered the hazy images, as seen through a wolf's eyes and thought by a wolf mind. He wished he hadn't woken up. Ever. He wanted to grab his clothes and his knife and run as far into the forest as possible before finishing the act he had started last night. The ultimate penance. But he could barely even move his fingers, or open his eyes. Everything felt out of place and flares of white hot pain were shooting down his spine with each shallow breath he took. He remembered throwing himself at the magical barrier separating him from the outside world repeatedly after Sirius had left, his friend's anguished cry echoing through his mind without end, colouring everything red and black and eventually gray.
Remus felt like he was dying over and over again in a constant, never-ending cycle, reliving the moment his eyes had connected with Sirius', the horror-stricken look, the fright easy to smell through the door. He had wanted Sirius then, but not as he wanted him as a human. He had wanted to tear Sirius apart, rip him into tiny pieces and eat his heart while it was still warm. He had wanted, still shamefully felt the desire, to rend Sirius limb from limb and devour him, to bathe in his blood, the very essence of everything he held precious as a human. He was just so tired now. Hadn't he kept his secrets long enough, worked hard enough to keep them his own? Why had it all been for nothing? Why had it ended like this? Remus lay still on the cold ground and silently spilled tears over the loss of one more beautiful thing.
Sirius woke up when the first light of dawn was still making it's appearance over the horizon, and knew that something was drastically, horribly different than it had been the morning before. He felt dirty, and ached with all the emotions of the night before. He realized all that before the first wave of images hit him, nearly blinding him with the intensity of his own grief. It all came flooding back in less than a second, and he let out a low sob, curling on his side in the four poster bed. Why? Why Remus; good, beautiful, smart, agonizingly perfect Remus? It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. He didn't know how to approach Remus this morning. He didn't think he could. He felt too guilty, too aching to not let something slip he would feel worse about later. When had it come to this? Why hadn't he noticed all the signs? And somehow, Sirius felt that everything hadn't been revealed yet. There had to be more, frightening as that seemed. He wanted Jamie to come over and reassure him, but Jamie didn't know, and he couldn't afford to tell him. There would be no comfort for a long time to come.
"Sirius, where were you last night? Remus and Peter were gone too. I want to know what's going on. You can't drag me into this half way and then regret it and ignore me. I won't let that happen. What's happening?"
"Nothing. Nothing that I can even think about right now. God, Jamie, why is everything so messed up?"
"Don't ask me that without telling me how everything is so messed up. I really don't want to be outside the loop anymore. I deserve as much of the truth as you do."
"I know, and I swear, I will tell you everything, but only after I know it all myself. I don't understand what happened. It was wrong, and I'm so scared, but I can't do anything. I can't talk to him, I can' talk to Peter. I can't talk to you. I feel so damn alone. Please, understand it. Remus was right all along. He knew what he was talking about. His twisted little world. So screwed up…" by the time Sirius trailed off he was speaking to his knees with his arms wrapped tightly around himself.
"What are you talking about? Tell me or don't tell me, but this is bullshit, and you know it."
"I'm sorry. Jamie, I really don't know what to do." He finally looked at James, his eyes dark, deep pools of human misery. James instantly felt bad for everything he'd said. Sirius had never acted this way before; it had to be as difficult as he claimed. He wanted to take it all away from his childhood friend, but he knew that was wrong too. Sirius had always caused his own misery, and he had always fixed his own problems as well. This wasn't James' fault, and there was nothing he could do about it right now. That didn't make it any easier to accept that his friends were sharing something he couldn't. He would do it though, and he refused to be bitter, because he knew how hard Sirius' life was without him putting limits on their friendship.
He thought of Lily for a moment and realized that Sirius was a stronger person than he would have been in his situation. Lily was a great girl, but it was a relationship entirely without struggle. It was the most perfect thing in his life, but he couldn't comprehend feeling pain instead of her love. He didn't think he would have pursued her if she had turned him down like Remus had turned Sirius away. He would have been miffed and a little depressed, but not too heartbroken. He liked her a lot, but he wasn't in love, yet. That was the difference between his and Sirius' current relationships.
He felt like talking to his comfort and compassion in the world right now; she would have something profound to say about all this, something to put it into perspective for him. And he wanted both of those things right now.
He looked at his best friend and saw all the suffering he was going through, and he couldn't blame him for anything he'd said or done. He wanted to help Sirius, but he didn't want to involve himself too deeply. He needed to have enough distance to put everything back together once it finished falling apart. Sirius was staring at him, eyes pleading for acceptance and answers James didn't know how to give him. "I understand Sirius, I'm not mad at you. I want this all to end, and I want you to be happy again. So figure it out and when you need my help, I'll be here for you, whatever you decide. Just don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"You mean anything stupider than what I've already done?" Sirius asked self-depreciatingly.
"Yeah, you're right, good luck with that. No, I meant stupid as in confronting Remus any more. Seems to me that would be one of the stupidest moves you could make at this point. I know you'll talk to him, but please, by Merlin, try to keep it low key enough not to make him scared or pissed off. He's unbalanced enough. I don't know what went on last might, but I want you to know I'm behind you no matter what. If you need me to talk to Remus for you, I will."
"Thanks Jamie, I might really need you to do that. I'm glad you aren't giving up on me."
"I wouldn't do that. But I really need to start getting ready for a date with Lily in about twenty minutes, so I should go. I'll see you tonight, Sirius."
"Yeah, see you after your date. Have fun and get lots of action." He gave his friend a pale copy of a wink that was none-the-less genuine for its lack of enthusiasm, and headed towards the hallway.
His steps took him to the library. He decided it was as good a place as any to think about how his life was falling apart before his eyes.
James didn't really have a planned date with Lily that day, but he knew she was always open to having a chat on a Saturday afternoon, whether or not it was scheduled. He needed to tell her what he'd been watching unfold over the last weeks, and he needed her to tell him everything would work out. He wanted her opinions as well, on what Sirius should do, on why Remus was so screwed up, and above all, what he should say to both boys. He didn't know how to be there for Sirius, and he knew that Lily had extra doses of compassion for anyone who honestly needed it. She didn't put up with idiots who caused their own problems, but she did try to help when she thought the other person deserved her advice. Right now James just wanted a truthful perspective from someone with no emotional attachment to the unfolding drama between his friends. He already knew she thought Remus was an intelligent person with brilliant ideas hidden behind his cold exterior. Then again, she also thought Snape had his moments of inspiration.
He walked up to her table in the common room and sat down, laying his hand on hers for a second. She looked up and smiled radiantly at him and he was reminded again of how lucky he was to be going out with her. Those smiles made it all worthwhile. "What brings you to my workplace?" she said, laughter just underneath her words. He loved that about her. She always smiled when she said things, even if they weren't funny. She seemed to be saying, "I don't find it all that amusing, but you should."
"I wanted to talk to you about… have you noticed how distant Remus has seemed lately? Or even Peter for that matter. Sirius too."
"Jamie, I know what you mean, but that's all I know. I don't know any of what's going on between you four."
"That's why I wanted to talk to you. It feels like you're the only sane person I know. The rest of the Marauders have lost their minds, I swear. They're driving me crazy." He proceeded to explain all of the problems he had witnessed in the last several weeks, and went on to try to describe the twisted relationship between Remus and Sirius.
Lily sighed. "The saddest thing I can see here, is that Remus must really love Sirius back, perhaps even more than Sirius loves him. He loves him enough to give him up, which is something that Sirius cannot do. If anything is love, that is. And it looks like it will only get worse before getting better."
"Merlin I hope not! I can't take much more."
"Love, this isn't your fight. You don't need to involve yourself so much. Help Sirius, but don't get hurt yourself. Neither of them wants to do that to you. As for Peter… I'm sorry to say that I never liked him too much, and all this is just reinforcing my feelings on the matter. Step away from all the shit and really look at what's going on. Have you been keeping track of how often Remus ends up in the hospital?"
"He ends up in their about once a month. He never stays longer than a day and a night, but he's usually gone a night before that as well. I don't know where he goes before he ends up in the hospital wing, but Sirius thinks it has something to do with why Remus is so skittish."
"When does it happen during the month?" asked Lily, an intense look on her face.
"About the middle of the month, sometimes earlier or later."
"How long has he been disappearing?"
"What is this, twenty questions?"
"Answer me, Jamie. I need to know this."
"Okay, I don't remember a time when he didn't. He used to say it was to visit a family member or something, but he gave up with excuses after second year."
"I think Remus is a werewolf."
"Ha ha, that's not funny, Lily."
"I agree, it isn't funny. It's not supposed to be. Explain one more time the way he looks when you scare him or make him mad. The part about him baring his teeth and snarling. The whole glowing eyes thing too."
"Stop it, Lily. Remus is not a werewolf. He's a scrawny little abused bookworm, and not much else. He's too nice most of the time. And Sirius is right when he says that Remus is beautiful. Beautiful people aren't secretly werewolves masquerading as wizards. It sounds like a bloody fairytale."
"James, we live in a bloody fairytale, and you know I'm right."
"No, I don't. I think you're full of bullshit and this is one of your wild stories."
"I don't tell wild stories, Jamie. Remus is a werewolf."
"He is not a werewolf!"
"Think about it, and in a minute it will hit you how right I am. Then you'll feel really bad about calling me a liar."
"Damn it! That is not possible. Dumbledore would never tolerate something so unsafe at our school. He is sworn to protect children, and a werewolf is a dangerous liability, not to mention an illegal one."
"Maybe he thinks Remus deserves a chance. Stereotyping is a pointless thing to waste your time on. Remus is as much a person with rights and feelings as the rest of us. And whether or not he thinks so, he deserves to have Sirius, without being afraid. If Sirius loves him, he will learn to accept the facts without judging Remus based on old fashioned ideas. Werewolves are really very nice people, and all of them endure so much. Their pain is more immense than you can imagine going through. They have to constantly stay on their guard, in order to keep the wolf at bay. It drives the weaker ones insane. But Remus obviously isn't weak. He's one of the youngest werewolves I've ever heard of. Most people don't even survive the bite. It's nearly unheard of to have someone under fifteen live past the first week. For a child to suffer through the pain of transformation, with his own parents afraid of him, it must have been unbearable. Many werewolves' family members shun them. Often times they will act as though the person is dead. I think it is intolerably cruel for anyone to do that to another sentient being, much less another human. People are so awful to one another. Remus probably had a horrible childhood. He probably thinks that every bad thing that has ever happened in his life was caused by his condition. You have no idea what being a werewolf can do to your head. It messes with the very foundation of your beliefs. He probably doesn't think he deserves happiness, and he also has to assume that everyone will hate him for being what he is. I can't believe none of you even suspected. The signs were all so clear. And you're his only friends."
"I'm not really his friend, Lily. His only real friend is Sirius, who is so completely in love with him that it's pathetic. They play the worst mind games with each other, neither of them on purpose. Remus avoids all acts of friendship like the plague, and touching is entirely out of the question. He won't talk openly about anything, and his past is a closed book. He never talks about home, except once, when he said he hated it there and he never wanted to go back. He cuts himself a lot. He has scars everywhere, and it took Sirius a long time to realize it. I never said anything about them, but it kind of scared me. People who hurt themselves are messed up."
"Merlin, you are such a typical male! Prejudice is the least becoming emotion in the human psychology. No one deserves to be labelled and then left to rot. If being messed up is taking out your anger on yourself instead of the people around you, than I suppose I will never understand you, James D. Potter."
"Lily… I just said he scared me, and I do think that anyone who cuts themselves has some major instability in their mind. It's not my fault I'm not comfortable around that kind of person." James tried to rectify his apparent lack of empathy.
"Yes, it is." Lily said firmly, frowning at her boyfriend. "You have to be open to learn to make things better; otherwise you're just perpetuating the cycle. How can people like Remus learn to trust anyone when people shun them for their human issues before they can even open up?"
"How do I know that all this isn't just speculation anyways? Neither of us really knows if he's a werewolf. How can you just assume? You don't even know him."
"Which makes me all the more sure I'm right." Lily said confidently.
James just looked at her. He didn't know if she was right for certain, but for his part, he thought she had quite the argument. His only problem was coming to terms with the repercussions of what she was saying. If she was right, then everything he had ever thought about Remus had to be rethought, and every stereotype about werewolves had to be knocked down, and worst of all, what Sirius had previously gone through was nothing in comparison to what he was about to experience. None of that was a good thing in his opinion, but in Lily's opinion, it was all worthwhile. That was what he loved about her. She never hesitated to face her own issues before going on to deal with everyone else's.
Lily interrupted his thoughts, gripping his arm and giving him her best stern look, "I don't want you to tell Sirius about this. You have to promise me. You can go confront Remus all you want, but Sirius has to either find out on his own, or hear it from Remus himself. If he hears it from you, Remus will never forgive you, Sirius will always have doubts, and Remus will think that you discussed him like some lab animal. He really just needs your compassion. Both of them do. As for Peter, I'm confused about him, but try to be understanding. He must feel positively wretched next to the rest of you. Even Remus has a captivating presence of his own. Peter is just very… normal, and quiet. He has his moments, and he's always been loyal, hell, he worships you James, but he's got issues of his own. I'm not willing to second guess them though, so it's up to the rest of you Marauders to figure out how to bring him back in. And don't just go blundering about the matter like you guys tend to do. I've seen more sensitivity from an angry bull. You all need to learn some diplomacy."
"I'm a man, Lily! Not a bloody poof! I handle things like any other guy would! That diplomacy stuff is for fags and women."
"James Potter! I can't believe you said that! I'd watch who I was calling a fag, seeing how Sirius and Remus both-"
"Yeah, whatever… I get it, Lil." James cut her off hastily.
"You are the most frustrating person I've ever met! Your best friend is gay, so get over it already. Who's sensitive now, huh?" She almost shrieked, jabbing her finger into his chest.
"That isn't fair, Lily." He flinched both at the bruise-inducing pokes and the accusation.
"But it's true. If you value what you and Sirius have as friends, than you won't even be affected by the fact that he and Remus love each other. In fact, you'll be happy for them, and supportive, and all that other garbage that it takes to be friends. Because that's what he needs right now, not some prejudiced, old-fashioned hypocrite who throws his differences in his face."
"Lily…"
"James…"
They glared at each other for a minute before bursting out laughing, startling some first years nearby. James caught her hand and tugged her across the table for a kiss. Even though they seemed to have their share of disagreements, it was part of the fun. It felt more like playing than fighting. He supposed that was why he was going out with her in the first place. And even though he wasn't exactly looking forward to the next few days, or weeks even, he knew she was right, about pretty much everything.