Chapter 18/Therapy
Disclaimer in chapter 1
The sun had just slipped beyond the horizon when Spike entered Jules office that evening. He was tense, his jaw clenched, his whole body fairly vibrating. Jule ushered him in, offering a cuppa, which he gratefully accepted.
"I called in a few favors, and have some information on the way from London." She told him.
"I checked out old Rupes private watchers library last night. But..." He looked lost. "I didn't find anything useful, or anymore informative than yours truly. I'll return them, start with his magic books tonight."
He inhaled deeply, "Was reading today, mid afternoon I had to stop, came all over shaky, like I wanted to cry, felt like my chest was being crushed."
"I think I know why. You were feeling Buffy. She was here for a session." Jule chewed the inside of her lip.
"What got her so upset?" He asked.
"You know I can't tell you. You do need to let her know how much of her emotions you feel." Jule said
"I haven't really had much time to research, but one of my sources asked some interesting questions." Jule continued, "I know you are shunned by the demon community, but will this cause you trouble. Can others tell who the claimant is?"
"I haven't thought about it. I don't think they can 'tell'. The scar isn't a regular, or normal mating mark." He answered. "But they can smell her on me. And they do know that aroma."
"Ok, Well my next question is not easy to answer. You need to think this one through. Could this claim be used against Buffy? What I mean is could a threat to you, be used to handicap her?" her face was lined with concern.
"Oh Balls! I didn't see that one. I don't think so, I mean she's made it plain she doesn't 'Love' me; she says she has feelings, and wants me to stay with her. Her little sis or her mates now, different tale there."
"Is it possible that this 'emotional conduit' could became reciprocal?" she asked.
"I really don't know, The way it is now I shouldn't feel her, but I do." He stated.
"Is it likely you would bite her in passion?"
"I haven't so far. Haven't had human blood, other than bagged in so long, I can keep the demon under control without a lot of trouble." He replied.
"Until we get some more information, this is all just speculation. But maybe you ought to talk to her about your fears." Jule offered.
"How did you get so wise?" He stared at her, "Sure you're not some ancient demon?"
Jule giggled, "Nope, No demon just study creatures of all kinds. The empathic abilities help a lot."
Spike just shook his head and sighed.
"So what else has been happening?" Jule probed. "When you left you said you wanted her to love all of you. Do you think she understands that you feel emotional pain, and fear?"
"I doubt it, she's still not at ease with herself. She's dumping stuff left and right. Mostly things that worry her, or cause her stress."
"I have some suggestions, or exercises you may need to ponder. First you must discuss the way her verbal condemnations effect your emotions. But the most important part of that is to keep you temper, or rage under control."
"What? Open up and be all broody like the poof?" he snapped.
"Yes, open up, but no brooding. Do you wish to 'practice' with me?" Jule asked. "I can help edit how you say it all, so the rage doesn't show like it just did."
"Oh caught that did you? I guess. Where do think I should start?" He looked like a little boy being chastised.
"Why not start with what hurts you the most?"
He puffed up, "I'm a vampire, I don't get hurt like some nancy-boy all boo hoo hoo."
"Bull!" Jule snapped. "I do know about Angelus, He was not only violent. He was and still is a master at mental, and emotional pain. You learned to cover it. You're still covering."
Spike shot straight up and began to pace. Jule just watched him. After a few minutes she spoke softly, "I am not going to hurt you or push you."
She continued, "I won't tell you that the things we work on won't hurt, but when a bone heals wrong it must be reset. Only then can it be strong and healthy."
Spike stopped pacing and stared at her, "So you're saying I have to dig it all up to do away with it?"
"Pretty much, yes."
He slowly sat again, clenching his hands and jaw repeatedly. After several deep breaths, he slowly raised his head and looked directly into Jule's eyes. Blinking once he asked, "How do we start?"
Jule cleared her throat, "I need cover a few things first, ok?"
"Go ahead."
"Can a vampire be hypnotized?" She queried.
"No"
"Do you know anything about meditation, and if you do, what type?"
"Well, now...I studied a few of the Asian philosophers, and have practiced centering, and regulating the flow of the inner chi. Hoped it would help Dru." Puzzlement showed on his face.
"Excellent! You will be dealing with some very raw and powerful emotions and reactions, I think to be on the safe side if may be wise for you to enter a centered state."
Jule further explained, "It will aid in reaching the seeds of the trouble, and help you maintain control of your demon."
"Give us a few minutes here pet, I'll get ready." Spike closed his eyes, and even though he had no need of it, began to breath deeply, in a steady peaceful rhythm.
After about fifteen minutes his eyes slowly opened, and Jule could almost see the calmness floating around him, like an early morning fog.
"Spike what has Buffy said to you that has caused you the most pain?" gently Jule asked.
"That I am dead inside. I can feel, I do hurt, and I do love. My physical heart may not beat, but I do have one."
"What else?"
"That I can't understand what she's feeling. I asked her to explain it to me. I 'm pretty good at watching people and understanding their actions, and reactions. But I can't read her bleedin' mind. All she shows is disgust, rage or apathy."
"What is it you want most from her?"
"I want, hell, I need for her to accept me, and not her cartoon character notion of what I am. I need to know she understands what a vampire is not what the soddin' watchers say we are, then maybe she'll let me in."
"What do you see vampires as?" Jule probed.
"We were humans, there are now demons in residence in us. We still remember our lives. The demons are driven by the most powerful emotions, lust, anger, and hate." He blinked his eyes and swallowed.
"We feel the whole spectrum of emotions. We as a species do not kill simply for sport. The bloodlust in a fledgling is a survival drive. Most are driven by a rage. "
He stopped and rolled his neck, "The rage is seated in our lives as humans. I was proper Victorian gentility. We never expressed 'base' emotions, like anger, pain, or passion; men were not allowed to show their hurts. Everything was repressed, had to be a proper gentleman."
"I was not truly of the peerage, but on the fringes of society. I was ridiculed, I was the buffoon. I had to acquiesce. When I was sired...."
"Darla despised me, Angelus resented me. He was a merchant's son, a drunken lay-about. His father despised him. I was what he had never been in life nor could he become. Dru thought I was one of her playthings."
He took several centering breaths; "I endured brutality, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional at Angelus and Darla's hands, until I became Spike."
"Angelus wanted to be the cock of the walk to impress me with his strength and depravity. I adopted a rough cockney accent, and became little more than a drunken brawler. I never did use railroad spikes on humans with one exception." He grimaced.
"The night I died, I was at a social. I heard everything the Jonathon Asbury IV said about me. I heard the laughter in response to his 'humor' and I quote..."
"'Yes that's William 'the bloody' bloody awful poet that is. I would rather have a railroad spike driven through my head then to have to listen to that dreadful stuff.' He got his wish."
"I created the image of a big bad being. I truly went looking for the first slayer. I wanted her to end my misery, or if I were lucky enough to escape death, to scare Angelus and Darla into respecting me."
"The poof had just disappeared in 1898, after the Romany cursed him, but suddenly he was back in the midst of the Boxer Rebellion. I wanted him and Darla to just go. Leave Dru and I."
"Until he had gone off with his soul, Dru was like a pathetic lost child begging after him for a scrap of his attention and abuse. Once he'd left she had begun to rely on me, she needed me. Then he was back and she was prowling around him trying to get his attention. I was desperate to 'out evil' him." He shook his head.
"Did it work?"
"NO, he still had his soul. Darla went on a rampage, and I took Dru and ran, as fast as I could back to Europe. The soul turned Dru right off, she prattled on about how her 'daddy' was gone, all locked in a cage. When we got there I found that I was a 'celebrity' I had slain a slayer."
He blinked back moisture, "Others respected me, or feared me. It made life easier with Dru. I was her Bad Boy. I created a cadre of minions to serve us, I wanted her life to be that of a princess."
"Do you need to stop?" Jule softly asked.
Spike nodded his head in negation, "We lived in Paris, Madrid, Rome. The World Wars was like Disneyland with so much death, we grew over confident, and lazy."
Spike took a sip of his cold tea, "When they ended I took Dru and we fled to South America, it was still a wilderness. Then we came north to the States. The Big Apple."
"Thought we didn't need to be so bloody careful. There was a 'turf war'. I really didn't go after the second slayer. She came after me. Again I was 'infamous'."
"But Dru wanted to return to Europe so we came back to the Slavic region. Then while we were in Prague she heard that Angel was in the States."
"She went barmy. Got herself attack by a mob backed by some of the remaining Romany. We ran back to South America, that's where I heard about the Hellmouth."
"Had started in this direction, and in Mexico heard that the Slayer had taken out the Master. Figured to use my 'infamy' and my bloodline to keep her at bay and get Dru strong again."
"Then go away. Live a life of ease with my plum. And you know the rest."
"Do you think you can say that to Buffy?" Jule questioned.
"No, she never let's me finish a thought, some of our biggest arguments have been because she jumps in mid sentence." He looked at his hands in his lap.
"I'm unsure what you mean. Would you explain it, please?" confusion showed in Jule's face.
"The morning after we had sex the first time, I had almost convinced her to stay with me. I had started to say, I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be finally loving one."
He shrugged, "But she jumped in before I finished, thinking I was saying I just wanted to 'DO' her. She didn't let me finish the word 'finally', thinkin' I'd use a crude word like'fucking' when shag sounds so much better.. Then..."
"The night that girl died, in the alley I was trying to say, give me your anger, dump all your rage on me. When I said 'That's my girl'. It was like a cheer, I didn't mean as my 'girlfriend'. You know what happened then."
"First things first. You must tell her that you need to talk to her, and ask her to please be silent, when you are finished she can question you. Just listen to what you say." Jule advised.
"I don't know if she listen that long." He said.
"Write her a letter. Ask her to listen, if that doesn't work, suggest that you both come to see me. You need to work on this together, not from opposite ends."
"Why not just write everything in the letter? It would be easier." He asked.
"Seeing your face will convey more to her than written words." Jule answered. "Your face shows more emotion and truth, than most of the humans I know. Spike, you are a truly unique creature."
"Thank you...I think" He stuttered.
"Well our time is up, and I think we'll just wait until next Monday, unless you find out anything about the claim. If you do please call, and we'll work something out." Jule stood up.
Spike rose out of his chair, stretching like a cat, "Ta pet, see, you next week."
The sun had just slipped beyond the horizon when Spike entered Jules office that evening. He was tense, his jaw clenched, his whole body fairly vibrating. Jule ushered him in, offering a cuppa, which he gratefully accepted.
"I called in a few favors, and have some information on the way from London." She told him.
"I checked out old Rupes private watchers library last night. But..." He looked lost. "I didn't find anything useful, or anymore informative than yours truly. I'll return them, start with his magic books tonight."
He inhaled deeply, "Was reading today, mid afternoon I had to stop, came all over shaky, like I wanted to cry, felt like my chest was being crushed."
"I think I know why. You were feeling Buffy. She was here for a session." Jule chewed the inside of her lip.
"What got her so upset?" He asked.
"You know I can't tell you. You do need to let her know how much of her emotions you feel." Jule said
"I haven't really had much time to research, but one of my sources asked some interesting questions." Jule continued, "I know you are shunned by the demon community, but will this cause you trouble. Can others tell who the claimant is?"
"I haven't thought about it. I don't think they can 'tell'. The scar isn't a regular, or normal mating mark." He answered. "But they can smell her on me. And they do know that aroma."
"Ok, Well my next question is not easy to answer. You need to think this one through. Could this claim be used against Buffy? What I mean is could a threat to you, be used to handicap her?" her face was lined with concern.
"Oh Balls! I didn't see that one. I don't think so, I mean she's made it plain she doesn't 'Love' me; she says she has feelings, and wants me to stay with her. Her little sis or her mates now, different tale there."
"Is it possible that this 'emotional conduit' could became reciprocal?" she asked.
"I really don't know, The way it is now I shouldn't feel her, but I do." He stated.
"Is it likely you would bite her in passion?"
"I haven't so far. Haven't had human blood, other than bagged in so long, I can keep the demon under control without a lot of trouble." He replied.
"Until we get some more information, this is all just speculation. But maybe you ought to talk to her about your fears." Jule offered.
"How did you get so wise?" He stared at her, "Sure you're not some ancient demon?"
Jule giggled, "Nope, No demon just study creatures of all kinds. The empathic abilities help a lot."
Spike just shook his head and sighed.
"So what else has been happening?" Jule probed. "When you left you said you wanted her to love all of you. Do you think she understands that you feel emotional pain, and fear?"
"I doubt it, she's still not at ease with herself. She's dumping stuff left and right. Mostly things that worry her, or cause her stress."
"I have some suggestions, or exercises you may need to ponder. First you must discuss the way her verbal condemnations effect your emotions. But the most important part of that is to keep you temper, or rage under control."
"What? Open up and be all broody like the poof?" he snapped.
"Yes, open up, but no brooding. Do you wish to 'practice' with me?" Jule asked. "I can help edit how you say it all, so the rage doesn't show like it just did."
"Oh caught that did you? I guess. Where do think I should start?" He looked like a little boy being chastised.
"Why not start with what hurts you the most?"
He puffed up, "I'm a vampire, I don't get hurt like some nancy-boy all boo hoo hoo."
"Bull!" Jule snapped. "I do know about Angelus, He was not only violent. He was and still is a master at mental, and emotional pain. You learned to cover it. You're still covering."
Spike shot straight up and began to pace. Jule just watched him. After a few minutes she spoke softly, "I am not going to hurt you or push you."
She continued, "I won't tell you that the things we work on won't hurt, but when a bone heals wrong it must be reset. Only then can it be strong and healthy."
Spike stopped pacing and stared at her, "So you're saying I have to dig it all up to do away with it?"
"Pretty much, yes."
He slowly sat again, clenching his hands and jaw repeatedly. After several deep breaths, he slowly raised his head and looked directly into Jule's eyes. Blinking once he asked, "How do we start?"
Jule cleared her throat, "I need cover a few things first, ok?"
"Go ahead."
"Can a vampire be hypnotized?" She queried.
"No"
"Do you know anything about meditation, and if you do, what type?"
"Well, now...I studied a few of the Asian philosophers, and have practiced centering, and regulating the flow of the inner chi. Hoped it would help Dru." Puzzlement showed on his face.
"Excellent! You will be dealing with some very raw and powerful emotions and reactions, I think to be on the safe side if may be wise for you to enter a centered state."
Jule further explained, "It will aid in reaching the seeds of the trouble, and help you maintain control of your demon."
"Give us a few minutes here pet, I'll get ready." Spike closed his eyes, and even though he had no need of it, began to breath deeply, in a steady peaceful rhythm.
After about fifteen minutes his eyes slowly opened, and Jule could almost see the calmness floating around him, like an early morning fog.
"Spike what has Buffy said to you that has caused you the most pain?" gently Jule asked.
"That I am dead inside. I can feel, I do hurt, and I do love. My physical heart may not beat, but I do have one."
"What else?"
"That I can't understand what she's feeling. I asked her to explain it to me. I 'm pretty good at watching people and understanding their actions, and reactions. But I can't read her bleedin' mind. All she shows is disgust, rage or apathy."
"What is it you want most from her?"
"I want, hell, I need for her to accept me, and not her cartoon character notion of what I am. I need to know she understands what a vampire is not what the soddin' watchers say we are, then maybe she'll let me in."
"What do you see vampires as?" Jule probed.
"We were humans, there are now demons in residence in us. We still remember our lives. The demons are driven by the most powerful emotions, lust, anger, and hate." He blinked his eyes and swallowed.
"We feel the whole spectrum of emotions. We as a species do not kill simply for sport. The bloodlust in a fledgling is a survival drive. Most are driven by a rage. "
He stopped and rolled his neck, "The rage is seated in our lives as humans. I was proper Victorian gentility. We never expressed 'base' emotions, like anger, pain, or passion; men were not allowed to show their hurts. Everything was repressed, had to be a proper gentleman."
"I was not truly of the peerage, but on the fringes of society. I was ridiculed, I was the buffoon. I had to acquiesce. When I was sired...."
"Darla despised me, Angelus resented me. He was a merchant's son, a drunken lay-about. His father despised him. I was what he had never been in life nor could he become. Dru thought I was one of her playthings."
He took several centering breaths; "I endured brutality, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional at Angelus and Darla's hands, until I became Spike."
"Angelus wanted to be the cock of the walk to impress me with his strength and depravity. I adopted a rough cockney accent, and became little more than a drunken brawler. I never did use railroad spikes on humans with one exception." He grimaced.
"The night I died, I was at a social. I heard everything the Jonathon Asbury IV said about me. I heard the laughter in response to his 'humor' and I quote..."
"'Yes that's William 'the bloody' bloody awful poet that is. I would rather have a railroad spike driven through my head then to have to listen to that dreadful stuff.' He got his wish."
"I created the image of a big bad being. I truly went looking for the first slayer. I wanted her to end my misery, or if I were lucky enough to escape death, to scare Angelus and Darla into respecting me."
"The poof had just disappeared in 1898, after the Romany cursed him, but suddenly he was back in the midst of the Boxer Rebellion. I wanted him and Darla to just go. Leave Dru and I."
"Until he had gone off with his soul, Dru was like a pathetic lost child begging after him for a scrap of his attention and abuse. Once he'd left she had begun to rely on me, she needed me. Then he was back and she was prowling around him trying to get his attention. I was desperate to 'out evil' him." He shook his head.
"Did it work?"
"NO, he still had his soul. Darla went on a rampage, and I took Dru and ran, as fast as I could back to Europe. The soul turned Dru right off, she prattled on about how her 'daddy' was gone, all locked in a cage. When we got there I found that I was a 'celebrity' I had slain a slayer."
He blinked back moisture, "Others respected me, or feared me. It made life easier with Dru. I was her Bad Boy. I created a cadre of minions to serve us, I wanted her life to be that of a princess."
"Do you need to stop?" Jule softly asked.
Spike nodded his head in negation, "We lived in Paris, Madrid, Rome. The World Wars was like Disneyland with so much death, we grew over confident, and lazy."
Spike took a sip of his cold tea, "When they ended I took Dru and we fled to South America, it was still a wilderness. Then we came north to the States. The Big Apple."
"Thought we didn't need to be so bloody careful. There was a 'turf war'. I really didn't go after the second slayer. She came after me. Again I was 'infamous'."
"But Dru wanted to return to Europe so we came back to the Slavic region. Then while we were in Prague she heard that Angel was in the States."
"She went barmy. Got herself attack by a mob backed by some of the remaining Romany. We ran back to South America, that's where I heard about the Hellmouth."
"Had started in this direction, and in Mexico heard that the Slayer had taken out the Master. Figured to use my 'infamy' and my bloodline to keep her at bay and get Dru strong again."
"Then go away. Live a life of ease with my plum. And you know the rest."
"Do you think you can say that to Buffy?" Jule questioned.
"No, she never let's me finish a thought, some of our biggest arguments have been because she jumps in mid sentence." He looked at his hands in his lap.
"I'm unsure what you mean. Would you explain it, please?" confusion showed in Jule's face.
"The morning after we had sex the first time, I had almost convinced her to stay with me. I had started to say, I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be finally loving one."
He shrugged, "But she jumped in before I finished, thinking I was saying I just wanted to 'DO' her. She didn't let me finish the word 'finally', thinkin' I'd use a crude word like'fucking' when shag sounds so much better.. Then..."
"The night that girl died, in the alley I was trying to say, give me your anger, dump all your rage on me. When I said 'That's my girl'. It was like a cheer, I didn't mean as my 'girlfriend'. You know what happened then."
"First things first. You must tell her that you need to talk to her, and ask her to please be silent, when you are finished she can question you. Just listen to what you say." Jule advised.
"I don't know if she listen that long." He said.
"Write her a letter. Ask her to listen, if that doesn't work, suggest that you both come to see me. You need to work on this together, not from opposite ends."
"Why not just write everything in the letter? It would be easier." He asked.
"Seeing your face will convey more to her than written words." Jule answered. "Your face shows more emotion and truth, than most of the humans I know. Spike, you are a truly unique creature."
"Thank you...I think" He stuttered.
"Well our time is up, and I think we'll just wait until next Monday, unless you find out anything about the claim. If you do please call, and we'll work something out." Jule stood up.
Spike rose out of his chair, stretching like a cat, "Ta pet, see, you next week."