Budgiebird – YES! A song-praise! You made my day, and for that, I have given you sappiness! All shall be revealed in the chapter…. Okay, not all but most…
AffectedMango0 – I have gotten so many reviews from you! It makes me so happy to read them! I just wanted to thank you and say that things will start to look better from a SB/RL slasher-perspective in the next couple of chapters. Just so you don't give up on me and think it will never happen… they will have their happy ending… maybe… eventually... someday... shifty eyes
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Remus still didn't have the strength, mental and otherwise, to get out of the hospital bed, but all he knew was that when the confrontation happened he wanted to be out of this pristine white room; able to defend himself, able to fight back. He didn't want to sit and take all the accusations and the prejudice; he wanted to take a stand. It wasn't as though he had anything to lose by speaking truthfully. Not anymore. Sirius probably hated him too much to even think of getting near him. And if he didn't hate him, then Sirius was scared of him. Merlin, he hated his life. He wanted out. He wanted to have an existence where he could love Sirius back, where he didn't have to suffer extreme pain once a month, and where he could know that the wolf wasn't lurking just behind his thoughts, ready to take over in an instant and tear everything apart. He wished that he could believe he was a good person. He wanted to know that he deserved a good life.
He just wanted the never-ending cycle of pain to stop.
How was it that one moment could remain so frozen in his mind, when everything else was numb? He just kept replaying the silent second in which Sirius' eyes had met his own were ones. He felt the shock again and again, and realized just how much Sirius had come to mean to him if the wolf could recognize him. He feared the way that the wolf had wanted to rend Sirius into tiny pieces. It was that fear that had caused him to force away his love for Sirius in the first place.
Remus wanted to take all this torture and let it out so everyone could see the pain he carried every day. He wanted someone to know everything and to still care, but werewolves were tainted, filthy creatures by nature. He had already caused two people's deaths. What did he have to say in his own defence? There was nothing that could purge him of his sins. He wished that he had the strength to lay it all on his own shoulders, but he still blamed them all. He blamed his parents, for never caring about him. He blamed his brother for being stronger than him. He blamed the werewolf who had bitten him. He blamed the moon for tormenting him each month. Most of all though, he blamed David. He would always blame David for everything that went wrong in his life, and he would always carry that guilt around, wanting to fix it, and unable to even begin. If Sirius knew that particular aspect of his life, he would have loathed him even more. But maybe that was his only defence now. Maybe by arming himself with his faults he could drive Sirius away before the other teen could hurt him as so many other's had already done. He would make weapons of his own flaws. Not even Sirius could combat that kind of anger. Sirius was a saint next to Remus, but he had his limits, and if he hadn't already been pushed over the edge by Remus' secret, the rest would certainly do the trick. He didn't' know where to begin even. Where should he start? He had only told the story of Romulus to one person, and that had been the worst decision of his life. David had betrayed him in so many ways. He would carry the scars of that part of his life forever. Nothing could heal those memories, just like nothing would erase the scars on his wrists. Sometimes even now, in order to remember the pain, he pressed a piece of silver into the marks, re-burning the shame and horror and memories into his flesh, so he would never forget. He didn't deserve to forget.
Just like he would never deserve Sirius.
'I'm going to do this. I have to face him. I have to tell him I still care, I have to be strong. He needs me to be so much stronger than I am. Merlin, why?' Sirius didn't know how to even think of approaching Remus, and it was nearing evening already. He kept telling himself that Remus would come back any time now, but he remembered the pain in Remus eyes, even as a werewolf, and he knew Remus would not voluntarily face him. So Sirius had sat here for the last two hours, trying to convince himself to go to Remus. And he was still nowhere near convinced that it was the right thing to do. Would Remus even want to see him have after he'd betrayed his friend's trust so completely? He'd warned Remus that this would happen, but facing the real thing was so much harder than imagining it. He was sorry he had ever wanted the truth, and sorry that Remus had to be so right.
Sirius couldn't hate the fact that Remus was a werewolf, but he hated the hapless destruction of more beauty, the way Remus had cried out in pain, just before the claws had ripped through his delicate hands. There was so much that Sirius understood now that he wished he didn't. Not for his own sake, but for Remus'. Remus would never be able to trust him again, and he hadn't trusted him at all to begin with. Sirius just wanted things to go back to the way they had been before he had developed his unhealthy obsession with Remus. Everything had been fine, and he'd naively believed that they could only get better. Now he wanted to go back in time and beat himself up in advance. As much as he thought it would seem strange, he wanted to talk to Lily. He'd only talked with her a couple times in the past, but she seemed as level-headed as girls came, and he needed the opinion of someone who wasn't personally involved with Remus. He also knew that James would probably get pretty pissed if his oldest friend went to his new girlfriend to talk about issues pertaining to him. He hated to admit it, but James was the jealous type. But so was he, for that matter. And he was the overprotective, obsessive, head-over-heels-in-love kind too. He really wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for Remus, wanted to be patient and calm and easygoing about the whole thing, but hadn't he proved beyond a doubt that he was the absolute worst thing for Remus right now? Hadn't he already forfeited his chance to be anything more than friends, and now even friendship was looking unlikely. Much as he wanted to try again to pick up the pieces, he didn't know whether that wish was more for Remus' sake, or for his own. All he knew was that he needed to do something or he would go insane. He didn't want to think things over anymore, he wanted to fix them. He wanted to promise Remus that he would still care about him, no matter what kind of monster Remus thought himself to be. That was really the only thing left to do. With a grim expression etched into his usually cheery face, Sirius finished getting dressed, dragging a comb through hopelessly tangled hair, and wrapped his arms around himself in a vague gesture of self defence. He knew what he had to do for himself. The question was, did he really know what he had to do for Remus?
"Remus, can I come in?" asked Sirius in a tentative voice. This was dangerous territory, and he didn't want to screw things up anymore.
"Sirius…" Remus' voice was equally quiet, and Sirius winced.
"I'm… I don't know what to say. I don't know what would possibly sound right, except that I'm so sorry. I know I wasn't the best of friends lately, and I'm sorry that I never took the time to notice that what you were going through like I should have. You probably think I'm going to just leave you now and never speak to you again, but that's not the kind of person I am, especially when it comes to you. I care about you more than any other person I know, besides Jamie, and I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I'm not going to just give up because I've seen the truth. Contrary to what you obviously think of me, I'm not that shallow. I was a little blinded by my own feelings, and it made me do some pretty stupid stuff that probably made you feel like shit, but I didn't do any of it to hurt you."
"God, Sirius, why are you doing this? Isn't it enough that you've seen everything? Isn't it enough that I'm a bloody werewolf, without you trying to justify me? I don't need that or want it. I just want you to be able to look me in the eye. Can you even do that?"
"Remus, I'm in love with you! Merlin, this is so screwed up! I just wanted to be able to tell you that! I wanted you to give me a straight answer. I want you to tell me you don't love me back, or that you do, but please tell me something!" his dark eyes bore into Remus' intensely, filled with all the frustration and pain he'd been trying to hold inside for the last two months. Remus also saw fear there, and for once he realized that this fear wasn't a product of being frightened of the wolf inside his teenage body, but of being rejected by Remus' human self. And he found that he could not reject Sirius, not any more, not after everything Sirius had gone through to prove that he would be there for him no matter what. Instead he smiled, slowly, shyly, and said, "God, you're serious, aren't you?" the little breathless half-laugh he received was heaven, and he continued with more conviction this time. "I do, god Sirius, I do love you, and I've never said that to anyone before. You scare me every bit as much as you make me feel perfect. I want to be with you, but I…" Remus' voice faltered, "I... don't know how to trust you. I trusted someone once, and…trust is just another fancy word for betrayal. I want to trust you, but all I can see is his face, and his words, and all the pain he put me through, and it scares me so much. Please, don't be offended, but so much shit has happened for that one word: love. Everyone wants to possess it, and god, it's got so much pain wrapped up in its meaning."
"Remus, that's what love is about. It's about being hurt and learning to trust again. It's about wanting to trust. If you can get that far, then the rest is just practice. Years and years of practice, but it's worth it. Don't think that I care any less about what happened to you because I say that, but I want to be with you more than life. I would give up anything to have the chance to prove that love is about recovery as much as trust. No relationship is perfect, and there will always be some pain, but the hurt is always less than the perfection. That's how you know its love." Sirius was smiling now, and Remus' basked in it, realizing just how empty his life had been without seeing that familiar grin.
"Remus, I want you to know that just because I have no problems with you being a werewolf, doesn't mean I want to watch you put yourself through more pain. I still want to try and help you, and if I'm getting in the way, just tell me, but I don't like watching you hurt yourself. It's like your slicing me when you cut yourself. If you feel like doing it, I'm not going to stop you or anything, but don't you think you go through enough pain already, against your will, without inflicting more?"
"I do it because it's something to control. I make that pain, not the wolf. I can cause it, and I can take it away. It's an addiction, just like those stupid muggle cigarettes you insist on smoking. I don't have a choice, but maybe having you around, I mean, if you want, it might make it a little easier."
Sirius smiled at him reassuringly. "I'll always be here when you need me. No matter what happens."
Sirius decided from that moment onward that he had a goal. Remus' smile, his real smile, was truly the most amazing thing he'd ever seen, and he felt the overwhelming need to see it again, and again. He wanted to give Remus something to smile about.
Peter was still shivering. He felt like the cold of the moon's light had permanently leeched inside his bones and he would never be warm again. His thin hands shook whenever he lifted them, and his knees were drawn tightly up to his chest in the big four poster bed. Nothing had worked out. Nothing would ever be right again. He hadn't meant to bring them closer together. How could he have miscalculated Sirius' capacity for love so gravely?
Love. The word was the source of all his problems. Love was the reason he was all alone. Love was the reason James only cared about Lily and Sirius. Love was the reason he was a forgotten blur, a stain on the existence of humanity. Love was everything he hated and would ever come to hate.
And it was everything he could not have.