Formidable Four: Night of the Living Dumb
"You must give up on her, my liege." Amphetrite said to the moping sea king. "The homely
Drylander cannot appreciate your greatness as I can."
"Huh?" Nautilus, nee Charles Ruttheimer, barely heard what the mermaid said. He was gazing
fondly at a green jacket, now deteriorated by sea water.
"Nautilus, you need a royal consort. Plus, you've mourned so much for a Drylander you can't
have that you've barely touched any of us."
"I had a three-way with the twins last night!" he lied. "I'm only one man!"
"And there are 12 of us, and not one of us has conceived yet! Do you /want/ your race to die
out?" Amphetrite would not be snapped at, even by her king.
"Amphetrite, I can't help it. I. Want. Her. And as king I should be able to get what I want!"
Amphetrite sighed. "I know of a way you can have her. I'll tell you on one condition."
"You would bargain with your king?"
"Hear me out, Lord Nautilus. I want to be your queen. Dazia, or whatever her name is, can be
a concubine for whatever pleasures you desire, but if I help you get her, I must be declared queen."
Nautilus thought for a moment. "Very well, Amphetrite. I'd rather have Daria as a concubine
than not at all. What must I do?"
"Come with me."
Amphetrite led Nautilus to a sea bed. There were no plants, no coral, even the fish seemed to
avoid the area. A desolate plane of mud stretched out. "This," said Amphetrite. "Is the final resting
place of the Haagendaaz, the race that all but destroyed the merpeople. A spell was placed on the
dead bodies. They could be risen and controlled only by a descendant of the royal family." She placed
a conch shell in his hands. "Blow three blasts on this, and they will rise to do your bidding."
Nautilus put the conch to his lips and blew three blasts. He was starting to think Amphetrite
was teasing him when the sea bed began to tremble. A black, bony arm emerged from the mud.
Meanwhile, half of Lawndale was at the beach. A solar eclipse was coming and the beach would
be one good place to watch it from. The Formidable Four was among them. Local teens had brought a
radio and started an impromptu dance party. Jane grabbed Jesse's hand and conjoled him into dancing
with her. Daria was content to read the tabloid she picked up when they stopped at the Gas&Gulp
for sunscreen. Trent was stretched out nearby, fast asleep. Daria toyed with the idea of flipping
him over so he could get a tan on his back too. A child interrupted her Trent as a pancake fantasy.
"Hey, lady, can me an' my sister bury your boyfriend in the sand?"
"Uh, sure, go ahead."
Jane and Jesse had just finished dancing when a slip of a girl in a turquoise bikini came
running up to them. "Jesse!" she cried out.
"Hey, Astrid." He picked her up. "How's things?"
"I'm startin' Junior High after the summer. I'm gonna ask Mom if I can take chorus."
"Hey, Astrid, what're you doing with my fiance?" Jane asked jokingly.
"Oh, yeah," said Astrid. "I read in the paper that you got engaged." She hugged Jesse's neck.
"I'm happy for you."
"Astrid!" a woman's voice called.
"That's my mom." Astrid sighed. "She thinks I'm gonna fall apart if I leave her sight for
a minute."
"You'd better go to her." Jesse put her down. Astrid ran to her mother. "She's looking good."
he commented.
"She's twelve!" Jane swatted him on the arm.
"I meant she looks better than when I first saw her. She was all skinny and sick looking.
She looks healthier."
Trent snoozed as the kids covered him in sand. Daria read an interview Sick Sad World did with
some guy called Sabertooth. "Hey, Daria." she heard someone say.
Daria looked up and saw Andrea, huddled under a beach umbrella, wearing her usual goth attire.
"Hi, Andrea." she said.
"I hate the beach." Andrea growled. "Too much sun."
"Well, there's a solar eclipse today. That should help things."
Andrea was quiet for a while. "Daria," she finally said. "What do you think would be the
worst way to die?"
"Death by boredom comes to mind."
"For me, it would be a bunch of old, greasy men crawling all over me untill I drowned in
their festering ooze."
"To each his own."
Diana Wolfgang was on the beach, looking out of place in her prim suitdress where everyone
else wore a bathing suit. "Alright, Theo," she was saying to her cameraman. "I want you to get a good
shot of everyone's reaction to the solar eclipse."
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
"You've brought the infrared camera, right? As soon as the eclipse starts we could be without
natural light for hours."
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
"Don't forget to get my good side." She took out a compact and did some last minute primping.
She noticed someone. "Do my eyes deceive me or is that Phantom of the Formidable Four?"
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
A shadow fell over the page Daria was reading. "Phantom," said Ms Wolfgang. "Are you here
to witness the eclipse?"
"No comment." Daria went invisible.
Ms Wolfgang noticed Trent's head poking out of the sand. She nudged him. "Sir Stretchalot,
do you care to comment?"
Trent snorted. "Huh? I don't wanna go to school, Mom." He went back to sleep.
Ms Wolfgang saw Jane and Jesse approaching and went to pester them. "Here's Flamin' Jane
and Hercules, ladies and genlemen." she said to the camera. "Their engagement announcment was
in the /Lawndale Picaune/ with Phantom and Sir Stretchalot's just last month. Has a date been set?"
She thrust the mike in their direction.
"Well, I wanna finish my senior year first."
"Hercules, how does it feel to be engaged to a younger woman?"
"Um, uh..." The camera always made him nervous.
"Just say no comment." Jane whispered.
"Uh, no comment." said Jesse. Ms Wolfgang skulked away, growling.
"So," said Jane, as Daria reappeared. "How's Danny doing at computer camp?"
"He sent me an E-card last night. He says he's having fun, making new friends and stuff."
"What do they do for arts and crafts at computer camp?" Jane asked. "Macrame mouse pads?"
"You can do art on the computer." said Jesse. "Photo-shop, paint-shop. You can even scan
images into a computer."
"I don't know." said Jane. "Computer art just seems..soulless." They sat down.
"I tried this thing called photo-explosion. Pretty cool. It's sort of a high-tech version
of Color-Forms."
"The eclipse is starting!" Daria got a piece of smoked glass out of the basket. Jesse tried
to wake up Trent. He just mumbled something about gumdrops and went back to sleep. The sky grew
dark. Jane flamed on to provide light. Everyone oohed and aahed as a black disc blocked out the
sun. All became quiet and still. Only Jane's flames provided any light. The sea was ink black. The
sky was black as a moonless, starless night sky. Jane decided to fly up a bit to get a better view.
Her flames caused an orange-yellow sparkle on the dark sea. She saw a fin emerge from the water.
"Sharks!" She yelled out. Everyone moved further back from the ocean. No one panicked because
no one was out in the water. Swimming in pitch darkness would've been foolish. More fins popped
up. It seemed a whole school of sharks were headed for the shore. Jane trailed them. Don't worry,
she told herself. They're sharks. They can't get out of the water. As long as everyone stays on the
beach, everyone will be fine. Then she saw It.
It had the face of a lamprey eel, a maw full of sharp fangs and a fin on each side of its
jaw. The eyes were blank. More of It emerged from the water. Its greenish-black scaly hide was
rotting in places. The sinews of Its long arms were exposed. Its webbed hands ended in fierce
claws. It had tattered fins on Its back. It was riding one of the sharks. The scariest thing
about the leviathan was that more like It were emerging from the sea. Many were armed with tridents
and serated spears.
"Holy crap!" Someone yelled. "What is that thing?"
"It's a monster!"
"Run!!!"
"There's more of them!"
"They're coming right for us!"
"Keep the camera rolling, Theo!"
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
Jane tried to hold them off with her fire. One would catch ablaze, fall in the water with a
hiss and, to Jane's horror, emerge. Chunks of flesh would be obviously scortched away, but the
monsters seemed not to notice. They stank of rotten fish. Some had black bones exposed, so decayed
they were. The beach goers ran for their lives.
Jesse grabbed an armload of kids and ran for higher ground. Daria raised an invisible wall to
stop the horde that was now setting their huge webbed feet on land. They bumped into it, only to
walk right back into it stupidly. Jane picked off a few of the monsters that had come on land. They
would blaze, make a screaming noise, flail around a bit and fell. The other monsters took no notice
when this happened.
Trent was having that dream again. Lita was giving him a back rub while Joan did his feet.
Then Daria entered the boudoir. She wore only a sheer black baby-doll nighty. She had a jar of
peanut butter in one hand and an eggbeater in the other. She smiled seductivly and gently
whispered "TRENT, WAKE UP, YOU LAZY IDIOT!"
Trent shouted as he started awake, sand floundering about. How did it get so dark? Oh yeah,
that eclipse thingy. Musta slept through it. How did he get covered in sand? "Trent," Daria gasped.
"Some monsters are attacking the beach. We gotta do something."
"Please tell me this is another dream." Trent moaned.
Jesse returned to the beach. The creatures were wadling up on the shore. A handful had bypassed
Daria's shield. One was shambling over to a prone figure on the sand. It was Astrid. She had fainted
in the confusion. Jesse ran to her at top speed and scooped her up. He felt the thing's claws
slash across his bare back. Still he kept running.
Nautilus arose from the sea, Amphetrite at his side. He was shocked to see his warriors
continuously run into an invisible wall. "What the Hell's wrong with them!?" he demanded.
"The Haagendaaz are but zombie slaves to you, my lord." said Amphetrite. "You must command
them. They cannot think for themselves."
"Very well." He rode a wave to the shore. "You there!" He pointed at a group of Haagendaaz
with his conch. "Line up there." He pointed to where he guessed the edge of the wall to be. "And
you!" He pointed his trident at another group. "Get on their shoulders and climb over the wall."
Daria had been concentrating on making her wall longer to keep the creatures from getting
around it, and sweating from the effort. Then she saw Nautilus appear and start giving commands.
The creatures were now working together to scale the wall. Daria concentrated on making it taller.
"Daria, you're just going to exhaust yourself." said Trent.
"Gotta...keep...away..." she grunted.
"We're outnumbered." he said. "Maybe we oughta run now and regroup later."
Jane was picking the shambling zombies off one by one with her fire. It seemed for every one
she took out, three would come to take its place. A huge jet of sea water doused her flames, causing
her to fall out of the air. Fortunatly, she was not up very high and the sand was soft. Unfortunatly,
she landed at the feet of Nautilus.
"Ah, Miss Lane." said Nautilus. "A fine adition to my harem."
"Dream on, Nausious!" said Jane, hurling a fireball at him. Nautilus doused it with a wavelet.
"Tut, tut," he chided. "You know what water does to fire. Now, come along like a good little
love slave."
"My liege, I protest!" said Amphetrite. "One Drylander is plenty for your harem. You can have
her or the one with the bad eyes but not both!"
"Oh, alright. I'll just kill her then." He raised his trident to stab her. Jane cringed in
terror. Nautilus found his trident turned aside. Daria had put an inviso-shield over her friend.
"Get away from her!" Trent demanded. He and Daria approached Nautilus.
"Ah, Daria, my queen," Nautilus sighed. "Coming to me, and properly dressed." She was wearing
a lime green and black bathing suit with a zipper on the front.
"Alright, now I'm mad." Trent flexed his fingers. "Bring it on, Chicken of the Sea!"
"Braaaaaaaaaains!" growled one of the Haagendaaz, trying to sink its teeth into Trent's skull.
Only his rubber skin kept him from becoming fish food.
"So the Haagendaaz eat brains?" Nautilus asked.
"They do if they're zombies." Amphetrite replied.
Daria grabbed Nautilus' trident away from him and fought the Monster that was attacking her
beloved. Being stabbed didn't seem to faze it. Jane crept under the shield and hit the monster with
a jet of flame. It howled, released Trent, floundered about and fell into the shallows, a smoking
black skeleton.
"Give me that!" Nautilus snatched back his trident. "Daria, let's make this quick."
"I'm not going to be your queen." she stated.
"Oh, you've blown that chance, baby! But because you're such an exquisite gem, I'll allow
you to be my concubine."
"Back off, pal." said Trent. "We're engaged."
"Look," Nautilus said, impatient and angry. "I want Daria and that's final." He turned to her.
"Do you realize what your rejection has done to me? I have a duty to repopulate the merpeople race
and because of you I can't!"
"Oh, I get it." Trent smirked. "You're little minnow won't go upstream."
"It's called Viagra." said Jane. "Look into it."
"The hell with this." Nautilus blew on his conch. The zombies surrounded them and started to
draw in closer. "Think you can take on the entire horde?"
Just then, a white Range Rover broke through the ranks, flattening all the Haagendaaz that
got in its way. The glare from the headlights caused some of them to hiss and turn away in pain.
The passenger door opened. "Get in the truck, let's go!" Jesse said urgently. His teammates scrambled
to get in, fighting off zombies while they were at it. Nautilus made a grab to get in. Jane threw
a jet of flame at him, slammed the door, and give him the finger.
Jesse floored the gas pedal. Zombie Haagendaaz threw themselves at the vehicle. Jesse locked
all the doors. The headlights cut through the darkness. Jesse knew driving fast in darkness was
not exactly safe, but neither was hanging around...whatever those things were. "What /are/ those
things?" he asked.
"Nausious said they were Haagendaaz." said Daria. "The mermaid said they were zombies."
Trent noticed a little auburn haired girl in a turquoise bikini curled up in the backseat.
"Who's this?" he asked.
"You remember Astrid, right?" Jesse said. "The girl who named me Hercules. She fainted and
I couldn't find her mom so I'm taking her home with us."
He pulled up to Casa Lane and got out. Now that Jesse was starting to calm down, the adreneline
was subsiding and he felt a stinging pain on his back. He reached behind to touch his back. He felt
the warm, sticky substance. He saw his blood stained fingers and fainted.
"Oh, no!" Trent stretched out his arms to catch him. "You can't do that. Jane, help me get
him in. Daria, can you get Astrid?"
Daria hefted the younger girl in a fireman's carry. She wasn't very heavy, scarcely 100 pounds.
Jane and Trent layed Jesse face down on the sofa. Daria laid Astrid in the recliner.
"I'll get the med kit." said Jane.
"I'll get a washcloth." said Daria.
"I'll get us some clothes." said Trent. "I don't know about you, but I don't wanna hide from
zombies wearing just trunks."
Daria treated Jesse's wounds. "It's not as bad as it looks." she said, applying the compress.
The cuts are long, but not deep. He won't need stitches, but I'm worried about infection. Those
things did't look sanitary." She applied antiseptic. Jane held down the gauze as Daria taped it down.
Trent had changed from his blue swim trunks to his usual T shirt and jeans. Astrid was
coming to. "W-where am I?" she asked.
"You're safe." Trent took the rag off her forehead. "My name's Trent. You're Astrid, right?"
She smiled at him. "Sir Stretchalot! I've been keeping up with you guys in the paper. Jesse,
Hercules, is he OK?"
"He got hurt, but Daria and Jane are taking care of him."
"Can-can I have something to eat, please? Fainting makes me hungry."
"What would you like?"
"I usually eat something with iron. Apricots, sunflower seeds, dry cereal..."
"We have some corn flakes. Will that do?"
"OK. You don't have to put milk on it or anything, I like to eat it dry."
"When you're feeling better, Astrid." said Jane. "You can put on some of my things..unless
you really wanna run around in a bikini all day."
Trent gave her the cereal. "Thanks." she said. She ate a handful. "What were those things?"
"Zombies." said Daria. "And not human zombies. They were some kind of creature called the
Haagendaaz."
Jesse groaned. "Jane..."
"I'm here, Jesse." He tried to sit up. "Be careful, we don't want to open your wounds."
"Jesse?" said Astrid.
Jesse managed to smile a little. "Hey, Astrid. You OK?"
"Just hungry." She offered him some cereal.
"Thanks." He ate a handful of cornflakes. "I think you should call your mom, tell her you're OK."
"So, now what do we do?" asked Jane. "We can't hide here all day-night-whatever."
"It's a solar eclipse." said Daria. "It's technically still day."
"I'm /fine/, Mom." Astrid was saying. "Yes, I've eaten. Mom, just don't worry, OK? I'm with
the good guys."
"C'mon, Astrid." said Jane. "I'll get you something to put on." Jane took Astrid to her room.
Jane changed into a tank top and jogging shorts. She gave Astrid a tie-dyed T shirt and a pair of
cutt-offs. Astrid's tiny frame was buried in the T shirt.
"Jane, do you have a belt?" she asked. "These shorts are kinda loose on me."
Jane strifled a growl. Those shorts were usually a bit tight on her.
"Is this where you guys live?" Astrid asked.
"Trent and I live here." said Jane. "Jesse and Daria live in other houses with their families,
but they come over so often they practically live here. Our parents went to a friend's barbeque to
see the eclipse. Hope they're OK."
When they came back downstairs Daria had changed into her usual black T shirt and jeans.
Jesse was wearing jeans and had on an unbuttoned tropical print shirt. Just then, a black scaly
fist shattered the front window. Astrid screamed. The undead Haagendaaz were trying to break the door
down. A couple tried to squeeze through the window, unmindful of the broken glass. Everyone ran for
the kitchen door. One of them managed to creep in. Daria screamed as it grabbed her in its long
mildewing arms.
"Let go!" Trent yelled as he threw a vase at the zombie. It didn't even seem to notice the
impact as it carried a flailing Daria away. Jane prepared a fireball to save her friend. At the
first blaze of fire, it hissed and covered its eyes, dropping Daria.
Jane let her fire disapperate and grabbed Daria. They all crammed into the Range Rover. Once
more, the Haagendaaz tried to attack the vehicle. The ones caught in headlights covered their eyes
and hissed violently, only to become roadkill. One managed to jump on the hood and attacked the
windshield with a serated spear. Not knowing what else to do, Jesse turned on the whipers. This
knocked the spear from the creature's hands. Angrily, the zombie began to beat on the glass with its
fists. Jesse swerved the vehicle hard left, then right. He zig-zagged all over the road untill
the monster fell off. "So much for my insurance premium." he quipped as he sped to his house.
Meanwhile, at the Morgendorfer house, the Fashion Club was having a meeting. Quinn brought
them to order. "The Fashion Club will now discuss what the solar eclipse means to them."
"But, Quinn," said Brooke. "I thought, like, only science geeks like eclipses and stuff."
"Brooke, a solar eclipse means no sun. No sun means you don't have to check if your make-up
has SPF in it. You don't get freckles, unfortunatly, you don't tan either."
"Wrinkles. Eew." Tiffany observed.
"I hear sunshine is, like, good for clearing up zits and stuff." said Stacy.
"And how would you know about zits, Stacy?" Quinn asked dangerously.
"Um, its just something I overheard this pimple faced geek say once. Not that I was really
listening! You know I've never had zits, Quinn! I won't even look at a person who has them!"
"Need I remind you, Stacy, that acne is grounds for expulsion from the Fashion Club."
"Please, Quinn, I swear, I do not have nor have I ever had a pimple!"
"See that it stays that way." There was a heavy knock at the door. Quinn answered it.
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaains." drawled the slimy, festering monster.
"Daria, it's for you." Quinn called up the stairs.
"Didn't your sis-uh-cousin go to the beach to watch the eclipse?" asked Stacy.
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!" The zombie shambled in. The girls screamed and ran from the monstrosity.
"Hold on, buddy!" said Quinn. "You can't just barge into people's houses demanding brains.
And would you mind not leaking on the carpet?"
The zombie sniffed Quinn. "Moooorrrr-doooorrr-ferrrrr." it growled. It slung Quinn over its
shoulder and walked away.
"Eeeeeeek!!!!" Quinn shrieked and kicked her legs like any proper maiden in distress.
Jesse drove to his house. Everyone ran inside. Luis Moreno looked up from his paper. "How
was the eclipse?" he asked.
"Papa," Jesse gasped. "Lock all the doors and windows. There's zombies on the loose."
"You mean like in the movies?"
"No time to explain." Luis shrugged and started locking up the house, mumbling in Spanish
the whole way.
Astrid started to cry. Jesse sat her down on the couch. "Astrid, don't cry." he begged.
"Everything's gonna be OK." Astrid still whimpered with fear. "Hold on, I'll be right back." He
went up to his room.
"I can't believe he said that." said Jane.
"What?" said Daria. "'I'll be right back?'"
"When people say that in horror movies, they NEVER come back!"
"This isn't a horror movie, Jane! This is a fanfic!"
"A what?"
"Nevermind."
Jesse came back with something small and furry in his hands. He showed it to Astrid. She
whiped her tears away to look at it. "Is that a mouse?" she asked.
"Hamster." he corrected. "Her name's Nibbles. Would you like to hold her?"
"OK." Astrid held Nibbles and petted her.
"Everyone," Trent called from the den. "I found something."
The remainder of the Formidable Four met in the den. Trent showed them a book he found.
/The Zombie Survival Guide/ by Max Brooks. Jesse shook his head. "It's just something Danny uses
for his role playing games."
"It's all we got to go on." Daria shrugged, taking the book."
"Does it say anything about fire?" Jane asked.
Daria scanned the contents and turned to page 51. "According to this, the living dead have
no fear of fire. But complete incineration is the best way to destroy one."
"They seemed pretty freaked by my fire." said Jane.
"Wait a minute," said Trent. "They also didn't like the glare from the headlights. Maybe
they just don't like bright lights."
"I've kinda flipped through that book myself." said Jesse. "It assumes all zombies are
human. Those things never were human."
"So," said Jane. "We just wait until the eclipse is over. The sun comes out and they melt
away like gremlins."
"Um, I read about the eclipse in this morning's paper." said Daria. "The sun and moon will
be aligned untill 8 PM. By then, it will be nighttime until sunrise. By then, we'll all be brain
kebobs."
"Start reading that guide, Daria." said Jane.
Daria looked at the back cover. "Ok, here's the top ten lessons for surviving a zombie attack.
One, organize before they rise."
"Done." said Trent.
"Two," read Daria. "They feel no fear, why should you?"
"Hey, Jess," said Jane. "Got any more fuzzy things to pet?" Jesse shook his head and started
thumbing through Danny's role playing books. Maybe there was something they could use.
"Three, Use your head, cut off theirs. Four, Blades don't need reloading."
"I'll ask Senor Moreno if he's got anything like that." Jane left.
"Five, Daria continued to read. Ideal protection equals tight clothes, short hair."
Jesse shrugged out of his shirt. "I'm not about to get another hack job." He opened a drawer
and pulled out two hair ties. He tossed one to Daria and used the other to tie up his hair.
Daria handed the book to Trent. As she tied up her hair, Trent read. "Six, get up the staircase,
then destroy it."
"We can't hide from the zombies." said Jesse. "We have to destroy them before they kill someone."
"Seven, Get out of the car, get onto the bike."
"Sure." said Daria. "The four of us will just pile up on a twin speed Schwin and plow through."
"Eight, Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert. Nine, no place is safe, only safer.
Ten, The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on."
"Everyone," said Jane. "Senor Moreno showed me some stuff in his garage. Let's lock and load."
Meanwhile, the Osaka family was watching the eclipse from their roof-top patio. After watching
the sun slip behind a black disc through smoked glass, the family lit a lantern and had a picnic.
Mima bobbed her head as she listened to the music on her CD player. "Are you listening to that
stupid Cham CD again?" Asked Keitaro, her 10 year old brother.
"They're not stupid." said Mima. "They play really catchy dance music. And do you know how
hard it is to get a Cham CD in the States? I had to order this on the internet!"
"You only like them 'cuz one of the singers has the same name as you."
"Hey, you don't tease me about Cham, I won't tease you about Dragonball Z."
Let's eat now, children. Hoshiko said in Japanese, handing out sandwiches and mochi balls.
Kenji paused in midbite when he saw a strange being wandering below. It shambled about. Kenji
at first thought it to be just some drunk. Then the streetlamp kicked on. The being hissed as it was
bathed in white light. Kenji saw the flash of claws and hideous jaws before it retreated to the
shadows. "Nani?" he gasped.
"What is it, Oto-chan?" asked Mima.
I saw something down there. Kenji replied in Japanese. Hoshiko-chan, the lantern.
Hoshiko gave her husband the lantern. Kenji saw more of the shambling beasts. The family
squinted in the dark, trying to see who-or what-was on the street below.
I see them! Hoshiko gasped. Even in dim light it was horrible to see. "Yoma!"
They have seaweed draped on them. said Mima. Are they kappa?
No. said Keitaro. They're oni. Kappa don't have fangs and claws. They have bowls of water
on their heads.
They were stories. Hoshiko shook her head. Just stories.
Hoshiko-chan, take the children to the basement and hide. I will handle this.
"Hai." she sighed.
Assured that his family was safe, Kenji took the sheathed katana and wakizashi from their
place of honor on the mantlepiece. As a practitioner of judo and karate, Kenji perfered unarmed
combat, but he was no fool. He rememberred something his grandfather had once said of these
weapons. He said they belonged to an anscestor who was part of the secret society called "The
Brotherhood of Life". He said their sworn duty was to protect the innocent from undead demons-
generally by lopping off their heads. Kenji had doubts, but never questioned the old man. Perhaps
there was truth to old Oji-chan's tale after all.
"We can't just stay here." said Mima.
If your father says stay, said Hoshiko. Then you must stay.
He can't take those-things all by himself. Mima pulled out of a box something she had been
stowing in the basement. She had been training with them in secret. It seemed now she would use
them for real.
Where did you get those sai? Hoshiko demanded.
"The internet." Mima shrugged.
"You get everything off the internet." said Keitaro.
Oka-chan, can you take care of Keitaro?
Of course I can.
Then I am going.
Mima! You will not stir outside this basement!
Just then, the basement door shattered. One of the zombies fell through. At the sight of
the family, it raised its scaly arms and opened its fanged maw into a hellish moan. Keitaro
screamed and hid behind his mother. Mima thrust the blade of the sai into the creature's brain
pan. It fell dead at her feet. Just as Mima was taking note of how little blood the yoma had,
yet another one had busted down the door and was coming down the steps.
Run, Mima-chan! Hoshiko grabbed the naginata leaning against the wall. I'll take this one!
Mima tucked the sai in her belt, scrambled through the broken basement door and ran across the
yard as her mother fended of the scaly creature.
The Formidable Four went through the Moreno garage. "Hello!" Jane hefted up a chainsaw.
"Any one else seen any of the /Evil Dead/ trilogy?"
"That's not such a good idea, Jane." said Daria, consulting the book. "According to Brooks,
chainsaws are too heavy for effectivness."
"That's what we got Hercules for." Jane gave Jesse the chainsaw. "Knock 'em dead, Ash." she
said, squeezing a rock hard bicep.
"They also need fuel." Daria pointed out.
"This one's full." said Jesse.
"And looky here." Jane picked up a can of gasoline. "Back up for the chainsaw and a little
toy for Flamin' Jane to play with."
"Got any guns, Jesse?" Trent asked.
Jesse shook his head. "We haven't had guns here since..well...you know." He still didn't
like to talk about his brother's suicide.
"They wouldn't do any good anyway." said Daria. "It says here that an effective weapon must
either crush the skull in one blow or decapitate in one blow."
"Hedge trimmers?" Trent considered a pair he found.
"Unweildy."
"Weed eater?"
"Fuel supply problem again."
"Crowbar?"
Daria considered a monent. "Remember to aim for the head. In fact, give me one of those.
And flashlights. We need those too."
Jesse was talking to his father. Papa, he said in Spanish. Gather some food together,
take this flashlight and take Astrid upstairs. Fill the bathtub with water and destroy the staircase.
Destroy the staircase?!
Zombies won't get to you that way. Astrid's anemic, so take some fruit and cereal with
you. I have a bag of sunflower seeds in my room. She can have as many as she wants. Jesse looked
at the chainsaw. Just get up there. I'll take care of the stairs.
Luis gathered some food together in a grocery sack, complaining about his 'hijo loco' the
whole time. Jesse took Astrid aside. "Astrid, this is my dad, Luis Moreno. The two of you will be
safe upstairs. I'm going to use this chainsaw on the stairs so the monsters can't get up to you.
It will be noisy, but I don't want you to be scared, OK?"
"OK." she whimpered.
"Take care of Nibbles for me. If you get scared, just pet her." Astrid gave Jesse a hug.
"Go upstairs now." He said as he hugged her.
The child craddled the hamster in her hands and ran up the stairs. Luis paused with his
bag of food. "Be safe." he said, embracing his son. As soon as they were on the top floor, Jesse
revved up the saw's engine. The roar was deafening in the small room. Wood splintered in all
directions as Jesse made the stairs unusable.
"Let's go kick some zombie tail!" said Jane.
The zombie threw Quinn at Nautilus' feet. "Upchuck!" she screamed. "Eeew!"
"Upchuck is dead!" he said loftily. "Long live King Nautilus the Seventh!"
"Like, whatever!"
"Nautilus," Amphetrite said warningly. "I said you could have ONE Drylander concubine."
"Sorry, kid," Nautilus said to the zombie. "But you've brought me the wrong Morgendorfer
sister. I want Daria as my concubine and only Daria."
"What!" Quinn shrieked. "You want my four-eyed geek of a sis-uh-cousin to be a-a porcupine
or whatever? What's wrong with me!?"
"Braaaains?" the zombie politly asked his master.
"I don't think you deserve it." Nautilus sighed. "But go ahead."
The beast gave out a bloodcurdling scream and grabbed Quinn. It was about to bite through
her skull when it paused and sniffed at her. It gave a moan of disgust and tossed her away.
"What, so I'm not good enough to eat either?" Quinn complained.
"Zombies live on brains." said Amphetrite. "But Haagendaaz always throw the little ones back."
The Formidable Four set out for their zombie hunt. They didn't have to trek very far. It
wasn't long at all before the group found themselves surrounded by a score of drooling beasts.
Their fangs flashed as they waved spears, tridents and taloned webbed hands. Jesse restarted the
chainsaw and shut his eyes tightly. Daria shined her flashlight in one of the monster's eyes.
As it recoiled, Trent smashed its skull in with the crowbar. Jane doused three of them with
gasoline and tossed them a fireball. They were but smoldering skeletons in seconds.
More of them kept coming. Daria trapped some in invisible spheres. Trent took both crowbars
and tested his stretch powers to their limit. Jane kept tossing out the fireballs and had to duck
a wide arc Jesse made with the saw. "Whoa! Watch where you're pointing that thing, Jess!" she said.
He turned off the motor. Jane noticed why he had been so clumsy. "Jesse, maybe it would help if
you opened your eyes."
"There's blood everywhere, isn't there?" he kept his eyes tightly shut.
"Actually, there's hardly any blood at all."
Jesse slowly opened his eyes. The end of his chainsaw was covered in a thick black ooze,
nothing he'd recognize as blood. Just then, he saw one of the zombies come up behind Jane with
a serated spear. Before he could react, A lithe figure somersaulted over the beast's head. When
the person landed, the zombie fell with two deep holes in its cranium.
"May I join your party?" asked Mima.
"The more the merrier." Trent shrugged.
"What are those things?" Daria pointed to Mima's weapons.
"They're called sai. I got them on E-bay some months ago and I've been training with them
ever since. Don't tell my dad. He doesn't believe in using weapons."
Jane picked up the fallen zombie's spear. "Think we could use this?"
Daria shook her head. "Serated edge. It would get stuck in one zombie. And while you're trying
to pull your weapon out, another zombie will be free to eat your brain."
"You know you're enemy." said Mima. "That is good."
"I read a little about Haagendaaz in Danny's books." said Jesse. "They're commonly known as
sea demons. They don't like bright lights and they can only stay on the surface for a little while."
"They're zombies." Daria reminded him. "Human zombies don't need air. Maybe Haagendaaz
zombies don't need water."
"They usually carry spears or tridents and their claws are razor sharp. You can see what
one of them did to me." Jesse showed Mima the dressed wound on his back.
"If they can do that kind of damage to Jesse," said Trent. "They're some bad mothers."
"Brace yourselves, guys." said Daria. "Here comes more of them!"
More zombies closed in on them. They moaned the word "brains" continuously. The roar of
Jesse's chainsaw soon drowned them out. One grabbed Daria from behind and started to walk off with
her. Trent clubbed it on the back of the head with the crowbar. Mima let one get close to her
then stabbed it in the eyesocket, puncturing the brain. "Daria," said Trent. "Maybe you should go
invisible for a while. They keep trying to grab you."
"Too dangerous." said Jane, flaming another zombie. "We might get her by accident if we
can't see her."
"There's too many of them!" Daria was exhausted from trying to put up so many bariers.
"Startegical retreat?" Trent suggested. Everyone agreed. Jesse plowed through the crowd of
zombies with the chainsaw, creating a path for the others. Daria set up an invisible wall to hold
the zombies back for at least a while.
They ran down the street, looking for a possible hide out. They heard battle noises down an
ally way. Daria went invisible and checked it out. She reported back to her friends. "It's Master
Kenji." she said. "He's fighting off zombies with a pair of swords." Mima was the first one down
the ally. Kenji was facing down seven zombies and had decapitated one. Mima and the Formidable
Four made short work of them. "Ah, Formidable Four." he said. "I had a feeling you would be out
here." He glared at Mima. "Mima! I told you to stay home with Keitaro and your mother!"
"Gomen nasai, oto-san." she said with a bow.
"We need to find someplace to hide out for a while." said Daria.
Kenji tried a back door in the ally. "This is unlocked." he said. They all went in and were
suddenly face to face with a screaming maniac wielding an aluminum bat. Daria quickly put up her
shield. The bat bounced off. The attacker grunted in surprise.
Trent recognized their attacker. "Axl?" he asked. "Axl Cunningham, is that you?"
"Trent Lane? Is it you, then?" Axl put aside his bat. "Sorry 'bout that, mate. Thought you
were one o' them zombie blighters. Oh, 'ello, Jesse. Long time no see."
"Hey." he waved at him.
"Everyone," said Trent. "This is Axl Cunningham. Old school friend."
"At yer service." Axl said with a mock bow. "Well, come in and have a cuppa. Mind barring
the door there, love? Don't want no uninvited guests."
They found themselves in the interrior of Axl's Tattoo hut. Axl had some rations stored under
the counter that he was happy to share. "Never know when disaster might strike." he said, pouring
hot water into styrophome cups. "That's why I keep the aluminimum bat where's I can get it." He
put tea bags in the cups and decided to change the subject. "Knew Trent and Jesse when we was
nippers, I did." He said handing the tea around. "Those Maori tats Trent's wearin', my work. Dumb
wanker of an assistant did the anarchy symbol."
Jane looked out the big picture window of Axl's Tattoo Hut. Dega Street was dark and deserted.
She kept a look out for zombies. "I take it you've had to mess with these zombies." she said.
"I saw 'em." said Axl, taking a seat. "Standin' out on the corner, kinder watchin' the eclipse
like 'alf the other people in Lawndale. I was thinkin' o' just closin' up shop and goin' back to
me flat when I heard this bloody awful scream. There's this big stinkin' bugger all covered in
scales, got a girl's 'ead in its great fangy mouth. Well, I already hadta deal with Morlocks.
Ever since then I'd been keepin' rations tucked away here, just in case."
Mima looked at the tattoo designs on the walls of Axl's establishment. "You're not getting
one." Kenji said, as if reading her mind.
"I was thinking a yin yang symbol," she said. "Maybe on my hip."
"Mima-chan, no."
Mima rolled her eyes. She noticed the kanji symbols Axl displayed and burst into a fit of
giggles. "What's so funny?" asked Kenji. He looked at the kanji, blushed and covered his daughter's
eyes. "Don't read that." he admonished.
"'Ere, now," said Axl. "Let us in on the joke."
"Do you know what those kanji symbols mean?" Kenji asked as Mima tried to compose herself.
"The Japanese type designs, you mean? Nope. But, people like gettin' tattoos of 'em."
"This portion," Kenji pointed out. "translates as 'I like to fornicate with pigs'."
"So glad I went with the Maori design." said Trent.
"Yeah." said Daria. "It helps to understand the culture you're ripping off."
"Good one, Daria."
Daria sipped her tea and tried to think. "So, Nauseous is using the undead in an attempt
to bring me to him. What I want to know is /how/ is he controlling the undead Haagendaaz?"
"Wasn't he carrying a shell?" Jane suggested.
"A giant conch shell." said Daria. "That must be the key."
Jesse turned on the TV. "This is Diana Wolfgang of channel 7 News giving an on the spot
report." Ms. Wolfgang was on a dark street where panicked civilians were running from zombies in
the background. "Just moments after the long awaited eclipse, a horde of alledgedly undead creatures
arose from the sea and began laying seige to Lawndale. Is this a sign of the end times? Let's
ask a man on the street." She tried to stop a passerby. "Excuse me, sir..." He ran away screaming.
"And there you have it. The community spirit seems to be one of total panic." She didn't notice
one of the Haagendaaz shambling up behind her. "Residents are advised to stay indoors and.." The
camera panned away sharply. "Theo, where the hell are you going? We're live!"
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"
"Well, she's not live anymore." Daria remarked. "We better get going before they contact
the National Guard. Thanks for the tea, Axl."
"Any time, love." he said. "An' if ya ever want somethin' pierced or tattoed, you know who
to come to."
"So, where do we go now?" Trent asked. "Back to the beach?"
"Sounds like a plan." said Daria.
"Bit of a walk from 'ere." Axl tossed Trent his keys. "Parking garage down the road a bit.
Red Grand Prix on level two. Six people might be a bit of a squeeze though."
"Mima and I will stay in town." said Kenji. "We'll try to protect as many people as we can."
"Did you say we?" Mima said with a smile.
"Hai," Kenji sighed. "You have proven yourseslf."
"Thanks, Axl." said Trent. "We'll try and bring it back in one piece."
"Best o' luck, mates."
"Daria-san." said Kenji as they prepared to part ways. "You need a better weapon." He gave
her his wakizashi. "The wakizashi is shorter and lighter than the katana and is mostly used for
defense. But it can do damage as well."
"Thanks, Kenji-sempei."
"You are welcome. Sayonara." He bowed and walked away. Mima gave them a thumbs up and followed
her father.
They were almost at the parking garage when they came across something rather gruesome.
It appeared to be a decapitated corpse. Jesse ran to an ally way and became sick.
"That's Jesse." Jane sighed. "Muscles of iron, heart of gold, and stomache of Kleenex."
"Actually, this /is/ kinda gross." said Trent. "We oughta cover her up or something." The
body seemed to be that of a husky girl dressed in black. Trent took off his shirt for a makeshift
shroud. Daria recognized the departed's jewelry. She felt like she was going to be sick too.
"Oh, God, Jane, that's Andrea! She was at the beach earlier!"
"Damn." was all Jane could say. "Hey, Jess, it's OK. Trent's covered her up."
Jesse rejoined them, shuddering.
"C'mon, guys." said Daria. "Let's do this for Andrea!"
"You know," Jane said as they trecked. "Mom asked me if I wanted to spend this summer at
an artist's retreat. I said 'No Mom, I'd rather stay here with my friends. The Formidable Four
might need Flamin' Jane.' That was before I knew we were going to deal with the aquatic undead!"
They made their way to the parking garage. No sooner had they entered the cavernous structure
they heard it. "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiins."
"Again with the brains!" Daria said, wakizashi in her right hand, flashlight in her left.
The Formidable Four got into fighting stance, backs together. Jesse revved up the chainsaw.
"Fireball coming online!" said Jane, her hands glowing red in the dark.
Trent had his crowbars at the ready. "Cue the theme music!" he said. (A/N: The theme music consists
of Splendora singing "la la la la" to the tune of the Batman theme.)
Daria blinded a Haagendaaz zombie with her flashlight and cut off its head. Trent cracked
one's skull and gouged the eyeball of another. Jesse kept his eyes open this time and swiftly
lopped off the heads of advancing zombies. Jane decided that her fire was not something she wanted
to get out of control in a building full of cars, so she used the flames mainly for their blinding
light. As soon as there was a let up in the advance, they ran for the red Grand Prix. More zombies
came out of the woodwork. Trent falshed the highbeams. The zombies hissed in pain. They were soon
little more than speed bumps. "Maybe we should have it washed before we give it back to Axl." Trent
suggested.
"We should have it fumigated." Daria wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"
Trent took a few whiffs. "It's not the zombies. They smell like fish. This smells...bad.
Just bad."
"It's coming from the glove box." said Daria. Foolishly, she opened it. "Gaaaaah!!"
"Looks like a kidney pie." said Jesse. "Axl eats them sometimes."
"And it's an antique!" said Jane.
"I think it's achieved sentience." said Daria.
"If it really bugs you," said Trent. "Just throw it out. I don't think Axl was gonna finnish
it anyway."
The red stinkmobile arrived at the beach. A frightened Quinn ran up to them. "Daria, you
gotta help me!" she cried. "Iwaskidnappedbyanuglymonstertriedtoeatmybrainbutitwastoosmall."
"Quinn, calm down." said Daria. "Take a deep breath and tell us what happened."
"OK, the Fashion Club was, like, having a meeting. We were about to make Stacy confess to
being a zithead when this monster came to the door and asked for brains. Naturally, I thought it
was looking for you. Then it totaly just barges in and scares everyone and starts dripping all
over the carpet. Mom and Dad are gonna so freak! Of course I'll tell them it's your fault."
"Of course." Daria glared.
"Anyway, I start laying down the rules when the thing just picked me up and carried me here!
He throws me down before-ugh-Upchuck and this lady who coulda been a fashion model told him he
could only have one porcupine, or something."
"Quinn," Daria sighed. "Are you sure the word she used wasn't 'concubine'?"
"Like, whatever." Quinn rolled her eyes. "Like I waste time learning vocationary words."
"That's 'vocabulary', you dim bulb." Jane growled.
"Did he have a conch shell with him?" asked Trent.
"He had one of those shell thingies you put up to your ear and hear the ocean, if that's
what you mean." Quinn replied. "He and the fashion model were over there, around that dune." she
pointed.
"Quinn, listen." said Daria. "Get in that car. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and hide
under the back seat."
"OK." Quinn took Jesse by the arm and tried to lead him away.
"Uh, I think she meant by yourself." Jesse told her.
"You mean you can lie down in the back of a car by yourself? Never tried that before."
"That was more info than I needed." Daria said after Quinn was hidden.
They saw them. Nautilus was standing in the shallows with the shell under his arm. Amphetrite
stood nearby in her human form, nude but for some strategically placed starfish. The Formidable
Four huddled behind the dune and made their plan.
"OK," Said Trent. "Daria, could you go invisible and sneak up and grab the shell?"
"As dark as it is, definatly."
"I'll cover you." said Jane.
"Hand the conch to me when you get it." said Jesse. "I can break it."
"There's a few zombies still in the area." said Trent. "I'll hold 'em off."
Daria went invisible and approached the pair as quietly as she could. She knew she was leaving
footprints in the sand, but it was so dark that perhaps the enemy wouldn't notice. She stepped into
the shallows, noting that even invisible, she still displaced water. She made her legs glide silently
through the brine. Nautilus was right infront of her. She grasped the shell, easily wresting it
from his weak grasp.
"What!" he cried.
"Yoink!" Daria shouted as she ran through the water. Nautilus watched his source of power
float above a trail of ripples. He ran after it, only to be thwarted by a sheet of flame. He conjured
a wavelet to douse it. He saw the conch being placed in the hands of Hercules.
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nautilus screached as Jesse snapped the shell in two.
Trent was fighting back three zombies armed with only a crowbar, a flashlight and his stretching
capabilities. It was right after he heard Nautilus' scream when the zombies suddenly fell to the
sand like marionettes with their strings cut. He left them and ran to the source of the scream.
Nautilus pounded his fists on the beach and wept openly. "Why? Why!" he shouted. "I come so
close to my prize only to have it snatched!"
"Daria is not a prize, Nautilus." Trent said as he approached. "She is a person who has the
right to decide who she loves. Now, go back to the cave you crawled out of and take your surgically
enhanced girlfriend with you."
"Surgically enhanced!" cried Amphetrite. "I'll have you know these are the real thing! Feel
for yourself!" She grabbed Trent's hand and forced him to touch her oversized breasts.
"Let's go, Amphetrite." Nautilus sighed, leading her away. He glared over his shoulder at
his foes. "You haven't seen the last of me!" he vowed before disappearing in an enormous wave.
All that was left to do was clean up the mess. Everyone in Lawndale gathered to see the
bonfire of zombie corpses.
"Smells like a fish fry." Daria commented.
"Hey Daria," Jane said teasingly. "Are you jealous that your boyfriend copped a feel on a
mermaid?"
Jesse went home to check on his dad and Astrid. He climbed the tree to get to his bedroom
window. Luis let him in. Astrid greeted him with a hug. "The zombies are gone now." said Jesse.
"It's safe."
"Good work, mi hijo." Luis patted Jesse on the back. "Now, when are you going to rebuild
my staircase?"
Mima felt she had to warn her father as they returned home. "Some of the zombies broke in."
she said. "I think Oka-chan may have gotten out but..."
"Hosiko-chan!" Kenji yelled as he went inside his house, The fishy smell was rank. "Kei-Kei!"
he called. Where are you?
We're here. Hoshiko stepped out of the basement, Keitaro at her heels. She straightened
her disheveled hair with one hand and bore a gore encrusted naginata in the other. What shall
we do with the bodies in the basement? she asked. Thay smell like rotten fish.
Kenji smiled and shook his head. His dainty, polite, neat to a fault wife had taken down
brain eating zombies. We'll take them out and burn them. he said.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
It's like, a heavy-handed metaphore or something!
The devil made me do it!
How'd you like to see a picture of her naked?
I've done it with Kitty. This may hurt a little.
A/N Sorry for the wait! Writers block combined with projects I had to do for college. The next one
is another X Evolution crossover. I call it "Attack of the 50 Foot Cockroach."
BTW, there really is a book called /The Zombie Survival Guide./ Check it out.
The Haagendaaz are a parody of a D&D race called the Sahaugin. Yes, I know it's a brand of ice cream!
Let's learn Japanese! The katana is a long slightly curved sword. The wakizashi is shorter but
just as deadly. They are often use in combination. Sai are pronged daggers made famous by Electra
and Raphael of TMNT fame. The naginata-also called "cat's claw"-is a pole with a blade on one end.
In mideival Japan, women were often trained in it's use. After all, if the men were out in the fields,
SOMEONE had to be able to protect the children from Mongol hordes.
Nani? = What?
Oto-chan = Dad
Oka-chan = Mom
Yoma = demon/monster
Kappa = Water demon of Japanese mythology.
Oni = A sharp clawed monster of Japanese mythology.
Gomen nasai = Pardon me.
Hai = Yes
Mochi balls are rice cakes. GOOD rice cakes, not the styrofoam crap we Americans eat when we're
dieting. Cham is the music group featured in the movie /Perfect Blue/. It's not your typical
anime movie. But it's really good.
Let's learn Spanish!
hijo loco = crazy son
mi hijo = my son
Let's learn English! (British English)
Cuppa = cup of tea (or other hot beverage)
aluminimum = (pronounced al-yoo-min-ee-mum) aluminum.
love = The British call everyone love, even if they don't know them well.
mate = friend
blighter = contemptable person
bugger = see blighter
nipper = young boy
Axl's back story- Axl's family moved from London to Lawndale when he was 14. Sherman and his friends
made fun of his accent, so naturally he made friends with Trent and Jesse. Axl didn't join Spiral
because he's completly tone deaf.(Insert sarcastic comment here) But he was good at drawing intricate
designs and had a head for business so he opened Axl's Tattoing and Piercing Hut as seen in the ep
"Pierce Me."
"You must give up on her, my liege." Amphetrite said to the moping sea king. "The homely
Drylander cannot appreciate your greatness as I can."
"Huh?" Nautilus, nee Charles Ruttheimer, barely heard what the mermaid said. He was gazing
fondly at a green jacket, now deteriorated by sea water.
"Nautilus, you need a royal consort. Plus, you've mourned so much for a Drylander you can't
have that you've barely touched any of us."
"I had a three-way with the twins last night!" he lied. "I'm only one man!"
"And there are 12 of us, and not one of us has conceived yet! Do you /want/ your race to die
out?" Amphetrite would not be snapped at, even by her king.
"Amphetrite, I can't help it. I. Want. Her. And as king I should be able to get what I want!"
Amphetrite sighed. "I know of a way you can have her. I'll tell you on one condition."
"You would bargain with your king?"
"Hear me out, Lord Nautilus. I want to be your queen. Dazia, or whatever her name is, can be
a concubine for whatever pleasures you desire, but if I help you get her, I must be declared queen."
Nautilus thought for a moment. "Very well, Amphetrite. I'd rather have Daria as a concubine
than not at all. What must I do?"
"Come with me."
Amphetrite led Nautilus to a sea bed. There were no plants, no coral, even the fish seemed to
avoid the area. A desolate plane of mud stretched out. "This," said Amphetrite. "Is the final resting
place of the Haagendaaz, the race that all but destroyed the merpeople. A spell was placed on the
dead bodies. They could be risen and controlled only by a descendant of the royal family." She placed
a conch shell in his hands. "Blow three blasts on this, and they will rise to do your bidding."
Nautilus put the conch to his lips and blew three blasts. He was starting to think Amphetrite
was teasing him when the sea bed began to tremble. A black, bony arm emerged from the mud.
Meanwhile, half of Lawndale was at the beach. A solar eclipse was coming and the beach would
be one good place to watch it from. The Formidable Four was among them. Local teens had brought a
radio and started an impromptu dance party. Jane grabbed Jesse's hand and conjoled him into dancing
with her. Daria was content to read the tabloid she picked up when they stopped at the Gas&Gulp
for sunscreen. Trent was stretched out nearby, fast asleep. Daria toyed with the idea of flipping
him over so he could get a tan on his back too. A child interrupted her Trent as a pancake fantasy.
"Hey, lady, can me an' my sister bury your boyfriend in the sand?"
"Uh, sure, go ahead."
Jane and Jesse had just finished dancing when a slip of a girl in a turquoise bikini came
running up to them. "Jesse!" she cried out.
"Hey, Astrid." He picked her up. "How's things?"
"I'm startin' Junior High after the summer. I'm gonna ask Mom if I can take chorus."
"Hey, Astrid, what're you doing with my fiance?" Jane asked jokingly.
"Oh, yeah," said Astrid. "I read in the paper that you got engaged." She hugged Jesse's neck.
"I'm happy for you."
"Astrid!" a woman's voice called.
"That's my mom." Astrid sighed. "She thinks I'm gonna fall apart if I leave her sight for
a minute."
"You'd better go to her." Jesse put her down. Astrid ran to her mother. "She's looking good."
he commented.
"She's twelve!" Jane swatted him on the arm.
"I meant she looks better than when I first saw her. She was all skinny and sick looking.
She looks healthier."
Trent snoozed as the kids covered him in sand. Daria read an interview Sick Sad World did with
some guy called Sabertooth. "Hey, Daria." she heard someone say.
Daria looked up and saw Andrea, huddled under a beach umbrella, wearing her usual goth attire.
"Hi, Andrea." she said.
"I hate the beach." Andrea growled. "Too much sun."
"Well, there's a solar eclipse today. That should help things."
Andrea was quiet for a while. "Daria," she finally said. "What do you think would be the
worst way to die?"
"Death by boredom comes to mind."
"For me, it would be a bunch of old, greasy men crawling all over me untill I drowned in
their festering ooze."
"To each his own."
Diana Wolfgang was on the beach, looking out of place in her prim suitdress where everyone
else wore a bathing suit. "Alright, Theo," she was saying to her cameraman. "I want you to get a good
shot of everyone's reaction to the solar eclipse."
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
"You've brought the infrared camera, right? As soon as the eclipse starts we could be without
natural light for hours."
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
"Don't forget to get my good side." She took out a compact and did some last minute primping.
She noticed someone. "Do my eyes deceive me or is that Phantom of the Formidable Four?"
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
A shadow fell over the page Daria was reading. "Phantom," said Ms Wolfgang. "Are you here
to witness the eclipse?"
"No comment." Daria went invisible.
Ms Wolfgang noticed Trent's head poking out of the sand. She nudged him. "Sir Stretchalot,
do you care to comment?"
Trent snorted. "Huh? I don't wanna go to school, Mom." He went back to sleep.
Ms Wolfgang saw Jane and Jesse approaching and went to pester them. "Here's Flamin' Jane
and Hercules, ladies and genlemen." she said to the camera. "Their engagement announcment was
in the /Lawndale Picaune/ with Phantom and Sir Stretchalot's just last month. Has a date been set?"
She thrust the mike in their direction.
"Well, I wanna finish my senior year first."
"Hercules, how does it feel to be engaged to a younger woman?"
"Um, uh..." The camera always made him nervous.
"Just say no comment." Jane whispered.
"Uh, no comment." said Jesse. Ms Wolfgang skulked away, growling.
"So," said Jane, as Daria reappeared. "How's Danny doing at computer camp?"
"He sent me an E-card last night. He says he's having fun, making new friends and stuff."
"What do they do for arts and crafts at computer camp?" Jane asked. "Macrame mouse pads?"
"You can do art on the computer." said Jesse. "Photo-shop, paint-shop. You can even scan
images into a computer."
"I don't know." said Jane. "Computer art just seems..soulless." They sat down.
"I tried this thing called photo-explosion. Pretty cool. It's sort of a high-tech version
of Color-Forms."
"The eclipse is starting!" Daria got a piece of smoked glass out of the basket. Jesse tried
to wake up Trent. He just mumbled something about gumdrops and went back to sleep. The sky grew
dark. Jane flamed on to provide light. Everyone oohed and aahed as a black disc blocked out the
sun. All became quiet and still. Only Jane's flames provided any light. The sea was ink black. The
sky was black as a moonless, starless night sky. Jane decided to fly up a bit to get a better view.
Her flames caused an orange-yellow sparkle on the dark sea. She saw a fin emerge from the water.
"Sharks!" She yelled out. Everyone moved further back from the ocean. No one panicked because
no one was out in the water. Swimming in pitch darkness would've been foolish. More fins popped
up. It seemed a whole school of sharks were headed for the shore. Jane trailed them. Don't worry,
she told herself. They're sharks. They can't get out of the water. As long as everyone stays on the
beach, everyone will be fine. Then she saw It.
It had the face of a lamprey eel, a maw full of sharp fangs and a fin on each side of its
jaw. The eyes were blank. More of It emerged from the water. Its greenish-black scaly hide was
rotting in places. The sinews of Its long arms were exposed. Its webbed hands ended in fierce
claws. It had tattered fins on Its back. It was riding one of the sharks. The scariest thing
about the leviathan was that more like It were emerging from the sea. Many were armed with tridents
and serated spears.
"Holy crap!" Someone yelled. "What is that thing?"
"It's a monster!"
"Run!!!"
"There's more of them!"
"They're coming right for us!"
"Keep the camera rolling, Theo!"
"Yes, Ms Wolfgang."
Jane tried to hold them off with her fire. One would catch ablaze, fall in the water with a
hiss and, to Jane's horror, emerge. Chunks of flesh would be obviously scortched away, but the
monsters seemed not to notice. They stank of rotten fish. Some had black bones exposed, so decayed
they were. The beach goers ran for their lives.
Jesse grabbed an armload of kids and ran for higher ground. Daria raised an invisible wall to
stop the horde that was now setting their huge webbed feet on land. They bumped into it, only to
walk right back into it stupidly. Jane picked off a few of the monsters that had come on land. They
would blaze, make a screaming noise, flail around a bit and fell. The other monsters took no notice
when this happened.
Trent was having that dream again. Lita was giving him a back rub while Joan did his feet.
Then Daria entered the boudoir. She wore only a sheer black baby-doll nighty. She had a jar of
peanut butter in one hand and an eggbeater in the other. She smiled seductivly and gently
whispered "TRENT, WAKE UP, YOU LAZY IDIOT!"
Trent shouted as he started awake, sand floundering about. How did it get so dark? Oh yeah,
that eclipse thingy. Musta slept through it. How did he get covered in sand? "Trent," Daria gasped.
"Some monsters are attacking the beach. We gotta do something."
"Please tell me this is another dream." Trent moaned.
Jesse returned to the beach. The creatures were wadling up on the shore. A handful had bypassed
Daria's shield. One was shambling over to a prone figure on the sand. It was Astrid. She had fainted
in the confusion. Jesse ran to her at top speed and scooped her up. He felt the thing's claws
slash across his bare back. Still he kept running.
Nautilus arose from the sea, Amphetrite at his side. He was shocked to see his warriors
continuously run into an invisible wall. "What the Hell's wrong with them!?" he demanded.
"The Haagendaaz are but zombie slaves to you, my lord." said Amphetrite. "You must command
them. They cannot think for themselves."
"Very well." He rode a wave to the shore. "You there!" He pointed at a group of Haagendaaz
with his conch. "Line up there." He pointed to where he guessed the edge of the wall to be. "And
you!" He pointed his trident at another group. "Get on their shoulders and climb over the wall."
Daria had been concentrating on making her wall longer to keep the creatures from getting
around it, and sweating from the effort. Then she saw Nautilus appear and start giving commands.
The creatures were now working together to scale the wall. Daria concentrated on making it taller.
"Daria, you're just going to exhaust yourself." said Trent.
"Gotta...keep...away..." she grunted.
"We're outnumbered." he said. "Maybe we oughta run now and regroup later."
Jane was picking the shambling zombies off one by one with her fire. It seemed for every one
she took out, three would come to take its place. A huge jet of sea water doused her flames, causing
her to fall out of the air. Fortunatly, she was not up very high and the sand was soft. Unfortunatly,
she landed at the feet of Nautilus.
"Ah, Miss Lane." said Nautilus. "A fine adition to my harem."
"Dream on, Nausious!" said Jane, hurling a fireball at him. Nautilus doused it with a wavelet.
"Tut, tut," he chided. "You know what water does to fire. Now, come along like a good little
love slave."
"My liege, I protest!" said Amphetrite. "One Drylander is plenty for your harem. You can have
her or the one with the bad eyes but not both!"
"Oh, alright. I'll just kill her then." He raised his trident to stab her. Jane cringed in
terror. Nautilus found his trident turned aside. Daria had put an inviso-shield over her friend.
"Get away from her!" Trent demanded. He and Daria approached Nautilus.
"Ah, Daria, my queen," Nautilus sighed. "Coming to me, and properly dressed." She was wearing
a lime green and black bathing suit with a zipper on the front.
"Alright, now I'm mad." Trent flexed his fingers. "Bring it on, Chicken of the Sea!"
"Braaaaaaaaaains!" growled one of the Haagendaaz, trying to sink its teeth into Trent's skull.
Only his rubber skin kept him from becoming fish food.
"So the Haagendaaz eat brains?" Nautilus asked.
"They do if they're zombies." Amphetrite replied.
Daria grabbed Nautilus' trident away from him and fought the Monster that was attacking her
beloved. Being stabbed didn't seem to faze it. Jane crept under the shield and hit the monster with
a jet of flame. It howled, released Trent, floundered about and fell into the shallows, a smoking
black skeleton.
"Give me that!" Nautilus snatched back his trident. "Daria, let's make this quick."
"I'm not going to be your queen." she stated.
"Oh, you've blown that chance, baby! But because you're such an exquisite gem, I'll allow
you to be my concubine."
"Back off, pal." said Trent. "We're engaged."
"Look," Nautilus said, impatient and angry. "I want Daria and that's final." He turned to her.
"Do you realize what your rejection has done to me? I have a duty to repopulate the merpeople race
and because of you I can't!"
"Oh, I get it." Trent smirked. "You're little minnow won't go upstream."
"It's called Viagra." said Jane. "Look into it."
"The hell with this." Nautilus blew on his conch. The zombies surrounded them and started to
draw in closer. "Think you can take on the entire horde?"
Just then, a white Range Rover broke through the ranks, flattening all the Haagendaaz that
got in its way. The glare from the headlights caused some of them to hiss and turn away in pain.
The passenger door opened. "Get in the truck, let's go!" Jesse said urgently. His teammates scrambled
to get in, fighting off zombies while they were at it. Nautilus made a grab to get in. Jane threw
a jet of flame at him, slammed the door, and give him the finger.
Jesse floored the gas pedal. Zombie Haagendaaz threw themselves at the vehicle. Jesse locked
all the doors. The headlights cut through the darkness. Jesse knew driving fast in darkness was
not exactly safe, but neither was hanging around...whatever those things were. "What /are/ those
things?" he asked.
"Nausious said they were Haagendaaz." said Daria. "The mermaid said they were zombies."
Trent noticed a little auburn haired girl in a turquoise bikini curled up in the backseat.
"Who's this?" he asked.
"You remember Astrid, right?" Jesse said. "The girl who named me Hercules. She fainted and
I couldn't find her mom so I'm taking her home with us."
He pulled up to Casa Lane and got out. Now that Jesse was starting to calm down, the adreneline
was subsiding and he felt a stinging pain on his back. He reached behind to touch his back. He felt
the warm, sticky substance. He saw his blood stained fingers and fainted.
"Oh, no!" Trent stretched out his arms to catch him. "You can't do that. Jane, help me get
him in. Daria, can you get Astrid?"
Daria hefted the younger girl in a fireman's carry. She wasn't very heavy, scarcely 100 pounds.
Jane and Trent layed Jesse face down on the sofa. Daria laid Astrid in the recliner.
"I'll get the med kit." said Jane.
"I'll get a washcloth." said Daria.
"I'll get us some clothes." said Trent. "I don't know about you, but I don't wanna hide from
zombies wearing just trunks."
Daria treated Jesse's wounds. "It's not as bad as it looks." she said, applying the compress.
The cuts are long, but not deep. He won't need stitches, but I'm worried about infection. Those
things did't look sanitary." She applied antiseptic. Jane held down the gauze as Daria taped it down.
Trent had changed from his blue swim trunks to his usual T shirt and jeans. Astrid was
coming to. "W-where am I?" she asked.
"You're safe." Trent took the rag off her forehead. "My name's Trent. You're Astrid, right?"
She smiled at him. "Sir Stretchalot! I've been keeping up with you guys in the paper. Jesse,
Hercules, is he OK?"
"He got hurt, but Daria and Jane are taking care of him."
"Can-can I have something to eat, please? Fainting makes me hungry."
"What would you like?"
"I usually eat something with iron. Apricots, sunflower seeds, dry cereal..."
"We have some corn flakes. Will that do?"
"OK. You don't have to put milk on it or anything, I like to eat it dry."
"When you're feeling better, Astrid." said Jane. "You can put on some of my things..unless
you really wanna run around in a bikini all day."
Trent gave her the cereal. "Thanks." she said. She ate a handful. "What were those things?"
"Zombies." said Daria. "And not human zombies. They were some kind of creature called the
Haagendaaz."
Jesse groaned. "Jane..."
"I'm here, Jesse." He tried to sit up. "Be careful, we don't want to open your wounds."
"Jesse?" said Astrid.
Jesse managed to smile a little. "Hey, Astrid. You OK?"
"Just hungry." She offered him some cereal.
"Thanks." He ate a handful of cornflakes. "I think you should call your mom, tell her you're OK."
"So, now what do we do?" asked Jane. "We can't hide here all day-night-whatever."
"It's a solar eclipse." said Daria. "It's technically still day."
"I'm /fine/, Mom." Astrid was saying. "Yes, I've eaten. Mom, just don't worry, OK? I'm with
the good guys."
"C'mon, Astrid." said Jane. "I'll get you something to put on." Jane took Astrid to her room.
Jane changed into a tank top and jogging shorts. She gave Astrid a tie-dyed T shirt and a pair of
cutt-offs. Astrid's tiny frame was buried in the T shirt.
"Jane, do you have a belt?" she asked. "These shorts are kinda loose on me."
Jane strifled a growl. Those shorts were usually a bit tight on her.
"Is this where you guys live?" Astrid asked.
"Trent and I live here." said Jane. "Jesse and Daria live in other houses with their families,
but they come over so often they practically live here. Our parents went to a friend's barbeque to
see the eclipse. Hope they're OK."
When they came back downstairs Daria had changed into her usual black T shirt and jeans.
Jesse was wearing jeans and had on an unbuttoned tropical print shirt. Just then, a black scaly
fist shattered the front window. Astrid screamed. The undead Haagendaaz were trying to break the door
down. A couple tried to squeeze through the window, unmindful of the broken glass. Everyone ran for
the kitchen door. One of them managed to creep in. Daria screamed as it grabbed her in its long
mildewing arms.
"Let go!" Trent yelled as he threw a vase at the zombie. It didn't even seem to notice the
impact as it carried a flailing Daria away. Jane prepared a fireball to save her friend. At the
first blaze of fire, it hissed and covered its eyes, dropping Daria.
Jane let her fire disapperate and grabbed Daria. They all crammed into the Range Rover. Once
more, the Haagendaaz tried to attack the vehicle. The ones caught in headlights covered their eyes
and hissed violently, only to become roadkill. One managed to jump on the hood and attacked the
windshield with a serated spear. Not knowing what else to do, Jesse turned on the whipers. This
knocked the spear from the creature's hands. Angrily, the zombie began to beat on the glass with its
fists. Jesse swerved the vehicle hard left, then right. He zig-zagged all over the road untill
the monster fell off. "So much for my insurance premium." he quipped as he sped to his house.
Meanwhile, at the Morgendorfer house, the Fashion Club was having a meeting. Quinn brought
them to order. "The Fashion Club will now discuss what the solar eclipse means to them."
"But, Quinn," said Brooke. "I thought, like, only science geeks like eclipses and stuff."
"Brooke, a solar eclipse means no sun. No sun means you don't have to check if your make-up
has SPF in it. You don't get freckles, unfortunatly, you don't tan either."
"Wrinkles. Eew." Tiffany observed.
"I hear sunshine is, like, good for clearing up zits and stuff." said Stacy.
"And how would you know about zits, Stacy?" Quinn asked dangerously.
"Um, its just something I overheard this pimple faced geek say once. Not that I was really
listening! You know I've never had zits, Quinn! I won't even look at a person who has them!"
"Need I remind you, Stacy, that acne is grounds for expulsion from the Fashion Club."
"Please, Quinn, I swear, I do not have nor have I ever had a pimple!"
"See that it stays that way." There was a heavy knock at the door. Quinn answered it.
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaains." drawled the slimy, festering monster.
"Daria, it's for you." Quinn called up the stairs.
"Didn't your sis-uh-cousin go to the beach to watch the eclipse?" asked Stacy.
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!" The zombie shambled in. The girls screamed and ran from the monstrosity.
"Hold on, buddy!" said Quinn. "You can't just barge into people's houses demanding brains.
And would you mind not leaking on the carpet?"
The zombie sniffed Quinn. "Moooorrrr-doooorrr-ferrrrr." it growled. It slung Quinn over its
shoulder and walked away.
"Eeeeeeek!!!!" Quinn shrieked and kicked her legs like any proper maiden in distress.
Jesse drove to his house. Everyone ran inside. Luis Moreno looked up from his paper. "How
was the eclipse?" he asked.
"Papa," Jesse gasped. "Lock all the doors and windows. There's zombies on the loose."
"You mean like in the movies?"
"No time to explain." Luis shrugged and started locking up the house, mumbling in Spanish
the whole way.
Astrid started to cry. Jesse sat her down on the couch. "Astrid, don't cry." he begged.
"Everything's gonna be OK." Astrid still whimpered with fear. "Hold on, I'll be right back." He
went up to his room.
"I can't believe he said that." said Jane.
"What?" said Daria. "'I'll be right back?'"
"When people say that in horror movies, they NEVER come back!"
"This isn't a horror movie, Jane! This is a fanfic!"
"A what?"
"Nevermind."
Jesse came back with something small and furry in his hands. He showed it to Astrid. She
whiped her tears away to look at it. "Is that a mouse?" she asked.
"Hamster." he corrected. "Her name's Nibbles. Would you like to hold her?"
"OK." Astrid held Nibbles and petted her.
"Everyone," Trent called from the den. "I found something."
The remainder of the Formidable Four met in the den. Trent showed them a book he found.
/The Zombie Survival Guide/ by Max Brooks. Jesse shook his head. "It's just something Danny uses
for his role playing games."
"It's all we got to go on." Daria shrugged, taking the book."
"Does it say anything about fire?" Jane asked.
Daria scanned the contents and turned to page 51. "According to this, the living dead have
no fear of fire. But complete incineration is the best way to destroy one."
"They seemed pretty freaked by my fire." said Jane.
"Wait a minute," said Trent. "They also didn't like the glare from the headlights. Maybe
they just don't like bright lights."
"I've kinda flipped through that book myself." said Jesse. "It assumes all zombies are
human. Those things never were human."
"So," said Jane. "We just wait until the eclipse is over. The sun comes out and they melt
away like gremlins."
"Um, I read about the eclipse in this morning's paper." said Daria. "The sun and moon will
be aligned untill 8 PM. By then, it will be nighttime until sunrise. By then, we'll all be brain
kebobs."
"Start reading that guide, Daria." said Jane.
Daria looked at the back cover. "Ok, here's the top ten lessons for surviving a zombie attack.
One, organize before they rise."
"Done." said Trent.
"Two," read Daria. "They feel no fear, why should you?"
"Hey, Jess," said Jane. "Got any more fuzzy things to pet?" Jesse shook his head and started
thumbing through Danny's role playing books. Maybe there was something they could use.
"Three, Use your head, cut off theirs. Four, Blades don't need reloading."
"I'll ask Senor Moreno if he's got anything like that." Jane left.
"Five, Daria continued to read. Ideal protection equals tight clothes, short hair."
Jesse shrugged out of his shirt. "I'm not about to get another hack job." He opened a drawer
and pulled out two hair ties. He tossed one to Daria and used the other to tie up his hair.
Daria handed the book to Trent. As she tied up her hair, Trent read. "Six, get up the staircase,
then destroy it."
"We can't hide from the zombies." said Jesse. "We have to destroy them before they kill someone."
"Seven, Get out of the car, get onto the bike."
"Sure." said Daria. "The four of us will just pile up on a twin speed Schwin and plow through."
"Eight, Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert. Nine, no place is safe, only safer.
Ten, The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on."
"Everyone," said Jane. "Senor Moreno showed me some stuff in his garage. Let's lock and load."
Meanwhile, the Osaka family was watching the eclipse from their roof-top patio. After watching
the sun slip behind a black disc through smoked glass, the family lit a lantern and had a picnic.
Mima bobbed her head as she listened to the music on her CD player. "Are you listening to that
stupid Cham CD again?" Asked Keitaro, her 10 year old brother.
"They're not stupid." said Mima. "They play really catchy dance music. And do you know how
hard it is to get a Cham CD in the States? I had to order this on the internet!"
"You only like them 'cuz one of the singers has the same name as you."
"Hey, you don't tease me about Cham, I won't tease you about Dragonball Z."
Let's eat now, children. Hoshiko said in Japanese, handing out sandwiches and mochi balls.
Kenji paused in midbite when he saw a strange being wandering below. It shambled about. Kenji
at first thought it to be just some drunk. Then the streetlamp kicked on. The being hissed as it was
bathed in white light. Kenji saw the flash of claws and hideous jaws before it retreated to the
shadows. "Nani?" he gasped.
"What is it, Oto-chan?" asked Mima.
I saw something down there. Kenji replied in Japanese. Hoshiko-chan, the lantern.
Hoshiko gave her husband the lantern. Kenji saw more of the shambling beasts. The family
squinted in the dark, trying to see who-or what-was on the street below.
I see them! Hoshiko gasped. Even in dim light it was horrible to see. "Yoma!"
They have seaweed draped on them. said Mima. Are they kappa?
No. said Keitaro. They're oni. Kappa don't have fangs and claws. They have bowls of water
on their heads.
They were stories. Hoshiko shook her head. Just stories.
Hoshiko-chan, take the children to the basement and hide. I will handle this.
"Hai." she sighed.
Assured that his family was safe, Kenji took the sheathed katana and wakizashi from their
place of honor on the mantlepiece. As a practitioner of judo and karate, Kenji perfered unarmed
combat, but he was no fool. He rememberred something his grandfather had once said of these
weapons. He said they belonged to an anscestor who was part of the secret society called "The
Brotherhood of Life". He said their sworn duty was to protect the innocent from undead demons-
generally by lopping off their heads. Kenji had doubts, but never questioned the old man. Perhaps
there was truth to old Oji-chan's tale after all.
"We can't just stay here." said Mima.
If your father says stay, said Hoshiko. Then you must stay.
He can't take those-things all by himself. Mima pulled out of a box something she had been
stowing in the basement. She had been training with them in secret. It seemed now she would use
them for real.
Where did you get those sai? Hoshiko demanded.
"The internet." Mima shrugged.
"You get everything off the internet." said Keitaro.
Oka-chan, can you take care of Keitaro?
Of course I can.
Then I am going.
Mima! You will not stir outside this basement!
Just then, the basement door shattered. One of the zombies fell through. At the sight of
the family, it raised its scaly arms and opened its fanged maw into a hellish moan. Keitaro
screamed and hid behind his mother. Mima thrust the blade of the sai into the creature's brain
pan. It fell dead at her feet. Just as Mima was taking note of how little blood the yoma had,
yet another one had busted down the door and was coming down the steps.
Run, Mima-chan! Hoshiko grabbed the naginata leaning against the wall. I'll take this one!
Mima tucked the sai in her belt, scrambled through the broken basement door and ran across the
yard as her mother fended of the scaly creature.
The Formidable Four went through the Moreno garage. "Hello!" Jane hefted up a chainsaw.
"Any one else seen any of the /Evil Dead/ trilogy?"
"That's not such a good idea, Jane." said Daria, consulting the book. "According to Brooks,
chainsaws are too heavy for effectivness."
"That's what we got Hercules for." Jane gave Jesse the chainsaw. "Knock 'em dead, Ash." she
said, squeezing a rock hard bicep.
"They also need fuel." Daria pointed out.
"This one's full." said Jesse.
"And looky here." Jane picked up a can of gasoline. "Back up for the chainsaw and a little
toy for Flamin' Jane to play with."
"Got any guns, Jesse?" Trent asked.
Jesse shook his head. "We haven't had guns here since..well...you know." He still didn't
like to talk about his brother's suicide.
"They wouldn't do any good anyway." said Daria. "It says here that an effective weapon must
either crush the skull in one blow or decapitate in one blow."
"Hedge trimmers?" Trent considered a pair he found.
"Unweildy."
"Weed eater?"
"Fuel supply problem again."
"Crowbar?"
Daria considered a monent. "Remember to aim for the head. In fact, give me one of those.
And flashlights. We need those too."
Jesse was talking to his father. Papa, he said in Spanish. Gather some food together,
take this flashlight and take Astrid upstairs. Fill the bathtub with water and destroy the staircase.
Destroy the staircase?!
Zombies won't get to you that way. Astrid's anemic, so take some fruit and cereal with
you. I have a bag of sunflower seeds in my room. She can have as many as she wants. Jesse looked
at the chainsaw. Just get up there. I'll take care of the stairs.
Luis gathered some food together in a grocery sack, complaining about his 'hijo loco' the
whole time. Jesse took Astrid aside. "Astrid, this is my dad, Luis Moreno. The two of you will be
safe upstairs. I'm going to use this chainsaw on the stairs so the monsters can't get up to you.
It will be noisy, but I don't want you to be scared, OK?"
"OK." she whimpered.
"Take care of Nibbles for me. If you get scared, just pet her." Astrid gave Jesse a hug.
"Go upstairs now." He said as he hugged her.
The child craddled the hamster in her hands and ran up the stairs. Luis paused with his
bag of food. "Be safe." he said, embracing his son. As soon as they were on the top floor, Jesse
revved up the saw's engine. The roar was deafening in the small room. Wood splintered in all
directions as Jesse made the stairs unusable.
"Let's go kick some zombie tail!" said Jane.
The zombie threw Quinn at Nautilus' feet. "Upchuck!" she screamed. "Eeew!"
"Upchuck is dead!" he said loftily. "Long live King Nautilus the Seventh!"
"Like, whatever!"
"Nautilus," Amphetrite said warningly. "I said you could have ONE Drylander concubine."
"Sorry, kid," Nautilus said to the zombie. "But you've brought me the wrong Morgendorfer
sister. I want Daria as my concubine and only Daria."
"What!" Quinn shrieked. "You want my four-eyed geek of a sis-uh-cousin to be a-a porcupine
or whatever? What's wrong with me!?"
"Braaaains?" the zombie politly asked his master.
"I don't think you deserve it." Nautilus sighed. "But go ahead."
The beast gave out a bloodcurdling scream and grabbed Quinn. It was about to bite through
her skull when it paused and sniffed at her. It gave a moan of disgust and tossed her away.
"What, so I'm not good enough to eat either?" Quinn complained.
"Zombies live on brains." said Amphetrite. "But Haagendaaz always throw the little ones back."
The Formidable Four set out for their zombie hunt. They didn't have to trek very far. It
wasn't long at all before the group found themselves surrounded by a score of drooling beasts.
Their fangs flashed as they waved spears, tridents and taloned webbed hands. Jesse restarted the
chainsaw and shut his eyes tightly. Daria shined her flashlight in one of the monster's eyes.
As it recoiled, Trent smashed its skull in with the crowbar. Jane doused three of them with
gasoline and tossed them a fireball. They were but smoldering skeletons in seconds.
More of them kept coming. Daria trapped some in invisible spheres. Trent took both crowbars
and tested his stretch powers to their limit. Jane kept tossing out the fireballs and had to duck
a wide arc Jesse made with the saw. "Whoa! Watch where you're pointing that thing, Jess!" she said.
He turned off the motor. Jane noticed why he had been so clumsy. "Jesse, maybe it would help if
you opened your eyes."
"There's blood everywhere, isn't there?" he kept his eyes tightly shut.
"Actually, there's hardly any blood at all."
Jesse slowly opened his eyes. The end of his chainsaw was covered in a thick black ooze,
nothing he'd recognize as blood. Just then, he saw one of the zombies come up behind Jane with
a serated spear. Before he could react, A lithe figure somersaulted over the beast's head. When
the person landed, the zombie fell with two deep holes in its cranium.
"May I join your party?" asked Mima.
"The more the merrier." Trent shrugged.
"What are those things?" Daria pointed to Mima's weapons.
"They're called sai. I got them on E-bay some months ago and I've been training with them
ever since. Don't tell my dad. He doesn't believe in using weapons."
Jane picked up the fallen zombie's spear. "Think we could use this?"
Daria shook her head. "Serated edge. It would get stuck in one zombie. And while you're trying
to pull your weapon out, another zombie will be free to eat your brain."
"You know you're enemy." said Mima. "That is good."
"I read a little about Haagendaaz in Danny's books." said Jesse. "They're commonly known as
sea demons. They don't like bright lights and they can only stay on the surface for a little while."
"They're zombies." Daria reminded him. "Human zombies don't need air. Maybe Haagendaaz
zombies don't need water."
"They usually carry spears or tridents and their claws are razor sharp. You can see what
one of them did to me." Jesse showed Mima the dressed wound on his back.
"If they can do that kind of damage to Jesse," said Trent. "They're some bad mothers."
"Brace yourselves, guys." said Daria. "Here comes more of them!"
More zombies closed in on them. They moaned the word "brains" continuously. The roar of
Jesse's chainsaw soon drowned them out. One grabbed Daria from behind and started to walk off with
her. Trent clubbed it on the back of the head with the crowbar. Mima let one get close to her
then stabbed it in the eyesocket, puncturing the brain. "Daria," said Trent. "Maybe you should go
invisible for a while. They keep trying to grab you."
"Too dangerous." said Jane, flaming another zombie. "We might get her by accident if we
can't see her."
"There's too many of them!" Daria was exhausted from trying to put up so many bariers.
"Startegical retreat?" Trent suggested. Everyone agreed. Jesse plowed through the crowd of
zombies with the chainsaw, creating a path for the others. Daria set up an invisible wall to hold
the zombies back for at least a while.
They ran down the street, looking for a possible hide out. They heard battle noises down an
ally way. Daria went invisible and checked it out. She reported back to her friends. "It's Master
Kenji." she said. "He's fighting off zombies with a pair of swords." Mima was the first one down
the ally. Kenji was facing down seven zombies and had decapitated one. Mima and the Formidable
Four made short work of them. "Ah, Formidable Four." he said. "I had a feeling you would be out
here." He glared at Mima. "Mima! I told you to stay home with Keitaro and your mother!"
"Gomen nasai, oto-san." she said with a bow.
"We need to find someplace to hide out for a while." said Daria.
Kenji tried a back door in the ally. "This is unlocked." he said. They all went in and were
suddenly face to face with a screaming maniac wielding an aluminum bat. Daria quickly put up her
shield. The bat bounced off. The attacker grunted in surprise.
Trent recognized their attacker. "Axl?" he asked. "Axl Cunningham, is that you?"
"Trent Lane? Is it you, then?" Axl put aside his bat. "Sorry 'bout that, mate. Thought you
were one o' them zombie blighters. Oh, 'ello, Jesse. Long time no see."
"Hey." he waved at him.
"Everyone," said Trent. "This is Axl Cunningham. Old school friend."
"At yer service." Axl said with a mock bow. "Well, come in and have a cuppa. Mind barring
the door there, love? Don't want no uninvited guests."
They found themselves in the interrior of Axl's Tattoo hut. Axl had some rations stored under
the counter that he was happy to share. "Never know when disaster might strike." he said, pouring
hot water into styrophome cups. "That's why I keep the aluminimum bat where's I can get it." He
put tea bags in the cups and decided to change the subject. "Knew Trent and Jesse when we was
nippers, I did." He said handing the tea around. "Those Maori tats Trent's wearin', my work. Dumb
wanker of an assistant did the anarchy symbol."
Jane looked out the big picture window of Axl's Tattoo Hut. Dega Street was dark and deserted.
She kept a look out for zombies. "I take it you've had to mess with these zombies." she said.
"I saw 'em." said Axl, taking a seat. "Standin' out on the corner, kinder watchin' the eclipse
like 'alf the other people in Lawndale. I was thinkin' o' just closin' up shop and goin' back to
me flat when I heard this bloody awful scream. There's this big stinkin' bugger all covered in
scales, got a girl's 'ead in its great fangy mouth. Well, I already hadta deal with Morlocks.
Ever since then I'd been keepin' rations tucked away here, just in case."
Mima looked at the tattoo designs on the walls of Axl's establishment. "You're not getting
one." Kenji said, as if reading her mind.
"I was thinking a yin yang symbol," she said. "Maybe on my hip."
"Mima-chan, no."
Mima rolled her eyes. She noticed the kanji symbols Axl displayed and burst into a fit of
giggles. "What's so funny?" asked Kenji. He looked at the kanji, blushed and covered his daughter's
eyes. "Don't read that." he admonished.
"'Ere, now," said Axl. "Let us in on the joke."
"Do you know what those kanji symbols mean?" Kenji asked as Mima tried to compose herself.
"The Japanese type designs, you mean? Nope. But, people like gettin' tattoos of 'em."
"This portion," Kenji pointed out. "translates as 'I like to fornicate with pigs'."
"So glad I went with the Maori design." said Trent.
"Yeah." said Daria. "It helps to understand the culture you're ripping off."
"Good one, Daria."
Daria sipped her tea and tried to think. "So, Nauseous is using the undead in an attempt
to bring me to him. What I want to know is /how/ is he controlling the undead Haagendaaz?"
"Wasn't he carrying a shell?" Jane suggested.
"A giant conch shell." said Daria. "That must be the key."
Jesse turned on the TV. "This is Diana Wolfgang of channel 7 News giving an on the spot
report." Ms. Wolfgang was on a dark street where panicked civilians were running from zombies in
the background. "Just moments after the long awaited eclipse, a horde of alledgedly undead creatures
arose from the sea and began laying seige to Lawndale. Is this a sign of the end times? Let's
ask a man on the street." She tried to stop a passerby. "Excuse me, sir..." He ran away screaming.
"And there you have it. The community spirit seems to be one of total panic." She didn't notice
one of the Haagendaaz shambling up behind her. "Residents are advised to stay indoors and.." The
camera panned away sharply. "Theo, where the hell are you going? We're live!"
"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"
"Well, she's not live anymore." Daria remarked. "We better get going before they contact
the National Guard. Thanks for the tea, Axl."
"Any time, love." he said. "An' if ya ever want somethin' pierced or tattoed, you know who
to come to."
"So, where do we go now?" Trent asked. "Back to the beach?"
"Sounds like a plan." said Daria.
"Bit of a walk from 'ere." Axl tossed Trent his keys. "Parking garage down the road a bit.
Red Grand Prix on level two. Six people might be a bit of a squeeze though."
"Mima and I will stay in town." said Kenji. "We'll try to protect as many people as we can."
"Did you say we?" Mima said with a smile.
"Hai," Kenji sighed. "You have proven yourseslf."
"Thanks, Axl." said Trent. "We'll try and bring it back in one piece."
"Best o' luck, mates."
"Daria-san." said Kenji as they prepared to part ways. "You need a better weapon." He gave
her his wakizashi. "The wakizashi is shorter and lighter than the katana and is mostly used for
defense. But it can do damage as well."
"Thanks, Kenji-sempei."
"You are welcome. Sayonara." He bowed and walked away. Mima gave them a thumbs up and followed
her father.
They were almost at the parking garage when they came across something rather gruesome.
It appeared to be a decapitated corpse. Jesse ran to an ally way and became sick.
"That's Jesse." Jane sighed. "Muscles of iron, heart of gold, and stomache of Kleenex."
"Actually, this /is/ kinda gross." said Trent. "We oughta cover her up or something." The
body seemed to be that of a husky girl dressed in black. Trent took off his shirt for a makeshift
shroud. Daria recognized the departed's jewelry. She felt like she was going to be sick too.
"Oh, God, Jane, that's Andrea! She was at the beach earlier!"
"Damn." was all Jane could say. "Hey, Jess, it's OK. Trent's covered her up."
Jesse rejoined them, shuddering.
"C'mon, guys." said Daria. "Let's do this for Andrea!"
"You know," Jane said as they trecked. "Mom asked me if I wanted to spend this summer at
an artist's retreat. I said 'No Mom, I'd rather stay here with my friends. The Formidable Four
might need Flamin' Jane.' That was before I knew we were going to deal with the aquatic undead!"
They made their way to the parking garage. No sooner had they entered the cavernous structure
they heard it. "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiins."
"Again with the brains!" Daria said, wakizashi in her right hand, flashlight in her left.
The Formidable Four got into fighting stance, backs together. Jesse revved up the chainsaw.
"Fireball coming online!" said Jane, her hands glowing red in the dark.
Trent had his crowbars at the ready. "Cue the theme music!" he said. (A/N: The theme music consists
of Splendora singing "la la la la" to the tune of the Batman theme.)
Daria blinded a Haagendaaz zombie with her flashlight and cut off its head. Trent cracked
one's skull and gouged the eyeball of another. Jesse kept his eyes open this time and swiftly
lopped off the heads of advancing zombies. Jane decided that her fire was not something she wanted
to get out of control in a building full of cars, so she used the flames mainly for their blinding
light. As soon as there was a let up in the advance, they ran for the red Grand Prix. More zombies
came out of the woodwork. Trent falshed the highbeams. The zombies hissed in pain. They were soon
little more than speed bumps. "Maybe we should have it washed before we give it back to Axl." Trent
suggested.
"We should have it fumigated." Daria wrinkled her nose. "What's that smell?"
Trent took a few whiffs. "It's not the zombies. They smell like fish. This smells...bad.
Just bad."
"It's coming from the glove box." said Daria. Foolishly, she opened it. "Gaaaaah!!"
"Looks like a kidney pie." said Jesse. "Axl eats them sometimes."
"And it's an antique!" said Jane.
"I think it's achieved sentience." said Daria.
"If it really bugs you," said Trent. "Just throw it out. I don't think Axl was gonna finnish
it anyway."
The red stinkmobile arrived at the beach. A frightened Quinn ran up to them. "Daria, you
gotta help me!" she cried. "Iwaskidnappedbyanuglymonstertriedtoeatmybrainbutitwastoosmall."
"Quinn, calm down." said Daria. "Take a deep breath and tell us what happened."
"OK, the Fashion Club was, like, having a meeting. We were about to make Stacy confess to
being a zithead when this monster came to the door and asked for brains. Naturally, I thought it
was looking for you. Then it totaly just barges in and scares everyone and starts dripping all
over the carpet. Mom and Dad are gonna so freak! Of course I'll tell them it's your fault."
"Of course." Daria glared.
"Anyway, I start laying down the rules when the thing just picked me up and carried me here!
He throws me down before-ugh-Upchuck and this lady who coulda been a fashion model told him he
could only have one porcupine, or something."
"Quinn," Daria sighed. "Are you sure the word she used wasn't 'concubine'?"
"Like, whatever." Quinn rolled her eyes. "Like I waste time learning vocationary words."
"That's 'vocabulary', you dim bulb." Jane growled.
"Did he have a conch shell with him?" asked Trent.
"He had one of those shell thingies you put up to your ear and hear the ocean, if that's
what you mean." Quinn replied. "He and the fashion model were over there, around that dune." she
pointed.
"Quinn, listen." said Daria. "Get in that car. Roll up the windows, lock the doors and hide
under the back seat."
"OK." Quinn took Jesse by the arm and tried to lead him away.
"Uh, I think she meant by yourself." Jesse told her.
"You mean you can lie down in the back of a car by yourself? Never tried that before."
"That was more info than I needed." Daria said after Quinn was hidden.
They saw them. Nautilus was standing in the shallows with the shell under his arm. Amphetrite
stood nearby in her human form, nude but for some strategically placed starfish. The Formidable
Four huddled behind the dune and made their plan.
"OK," Said Trent. "Daria, could you go invisible and sneak up and grab the shell?"
"As dark as it is, definatly."
"I'll cover you." said Jane.
"Hand the conch to me when you get it." said Jesse. "I can break it."
"There's a few zombies still in the area." said Trent. "I'll hold 'em off."
Daria went invisible and approached the pair as quietly as she could. She knew she was leaving
footprints in the sand, but it was so dark that perhaps the enemy wouldn't notice. She stepped into
the shallows, noting that even invisible, she still displaced water. She made her legs glide silently
through the brine. Nautilus was right infront of her. She grasped the shell, easily wresting it
from his weak grasp.
"What!" he cried.
"Yoink!" Daria shouted as she ran through the water. Nautilus watched his source of power
float above a trail of ripples. He ran after it, only to be thwarted by a sheet of flame. He conjured
a wavelet to douse it. He saw the conch being placed in the hands of Hercules.
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nautilus screached as Jesse snapped the shell in two.
Trent was fighting back three zombies armed with only a crowbar, a flashlight and his stretching
capabilities. It was right after he heard Nautilus' scream when the zombies suddenly fell to the
sand like marionettes with their strings cut. He left them and ran to the source of the scream.
Nautilus pounded his fists on the beach and wept openly. "Why? Why!" he shouted. "I come so
close to my prize only to have it snatched!"
"Daria is not a prize, Nautilus." Trent said as he approached. "She is a person who has the
right to decide who she loves. Now, go back to the cave you crawled out of and take your surgically
enhanced girlfriend with you."
"Surgically enhanced!" cried Amphetrite. "I'll have you know these are the real thing! Feel
for yourself!" She grabbed Trent's hand and forced him to touch her oversized breasts.
"Let's go, Amphetrite." Nautilus sighed, leading her away. He glared over his shoulder at
his foes. "You haven't seen the last of me!" he vowed before disappearing in an enormous wave.
All that was left to do was clean up the mess. Everyone in Lawndale gathered to see the
bonfire of zombie corpses.
"Smells like a fish fry." Daria commented.
"Hey Daria," Jane said teasingly. "Are you jealous that your boyfriend copped a feel on a
mermaid?"
Jesse went home to check on his dad and Astrid. He climbed the tree to get to his bedroom
window. Luis let him in. Astrid greeted him with a hug. "The zombies are gone now." said Jesse.
"It's safe."
"Good work, mi hijo." Luis patted Jesse on the back. "Now, when are you going to rebuild
my staircase?"
Mima felt she had to warn her father as they returned home. "Some of the zombies broke in."
she said. "I think Oka-chan may have gotten out but..."
"Hosiko-chan!" Kenji yelled as he went inside his house, The fishy smell was rank. "Kei-Kei!"
he called. Where are you?
We're here. Hoshiko stepped out of the basement, Keitaro at her heels. She straightened
her disheveled hair with one hand and bore a gore encrusted naginata in the other. What shall
we do with the bodies in the basement? she asked. Thay smell like rotten fish.
Kenji smiled and shook his head. His dainty, polite, neat to a fault wife had taken down
brain eating zombies. We'll take them out and burn them. he said.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
It's like, a heavy-handed metaphore or something!
The devil made me do it!
How'd you like to see a picture of her naked?
I've done it with Kitty. This may hurt a little.
A/N Sorry for the wait! Writers block combined with projects I had to do for college. The next one
is another X Evolution crossover. I call it "Attack of the 50 Foot Cockroach."
BTW, there really is a book called /The Zombie Survival Guide./ Check it out.
The Haagendaaz are a parody of a D&D race called the Sahaugin. Yes, I know it's a brand of ice cream!
Let's learn Japanese! The katana is a long slightly curved sword. The wakizashi is shorter but
just as deadly. They are often use in combination. Sai are pronged daggers made famous by Electra
and Raphael of TMNT fame. The naginata-also called "cat's claw"-is a pole with a blade on one end.
In mideival Japan, women were often trained in it's use. After all, if the men were out in the fields,
SOMEONE had to be able to protect the children from Mongol hordes.
Nani? = What?
Oto-chan = Dad
Oka-chan = Mom
Yoma = demon/monster
Kappa = Water demon of Japanese mythology.
Oni = A sharp clawed monster of Japanese mythology.
Gomen nasai = Pardon me.
Hai = Yes
Mochi balls are rice cakes. GOOD rice cakes, not the styrofoam crap we Americans eat when we're
dieting. Cham is the music group featured in the movie /Perfect Blue/. It's not your typical
anime movie. But it's really good.
Let's learn Spanish!
hijo loco = crazy son
mi hijo = my son
Let's learn English! (British English)
Cuppa = cup of tea (or other hot beverage)
aluminimum = (pronounced al-yoo-min-ee-mum) aluminum.
love = The British call everyone love, even if they don't know them well.
mate = friend
blighter = contemptable person
bugger = see blighter
nipper = young boy
Axl's back story- Axl's family moved from London to Lawndale when he was 14. Sherman and his friends
made fun of his accent, so naturally he made friends with Trent and Jesse. Axl didn't join Spiral
because he's completly tone deaf.(Insert sarcastic comment here) But he was good at drawing intricate
designs and had a head for business so he opened Axl's Tattoing and Piercing Hut as seen in the ep
"Pierce Me."