Formidable Four XIV: Attack of the 50 Foot Cockroach

Daria came to Casa Lane with her over-night bag packed. Jane was still packing. "Nice of

the X-Men to return the favor." said Jane, folding up her swimsuit. "To bad we're gonna miss Jodi's Fourth of July barbeque."

"It would just be several hours spent with people we try to avoid during the school year." said Daria. "I'd pick it over another session with the Terror Bears or deep sea zombies, but still..."

"Speaking of Bears, look what I found in the hall closet this morning." Jane held up a pale blue stuffed bear. It had sleepy looking eyes and a crescent moon embroidered on its stomache.

"A Care Bear. Just when you thought the 80's were dead. Thanks for sharing your beloved

childhood toy with me, Jane."

"Oh, this wasn't mine. It was Trent's."

Daria looked the stuffed toy over. "Bedtime Bear. How- appropriate."

"Janey," said Trent, entering the room. "Max just called, he's..." He saw the bear and

turned a little pink. "Where did you find that?"

"Hall closet." said Jane.

"Um, yeah. Anyway, Max is going to pick us up soon so put your little toys away."

"Jane already told me." said Daria.

Trent put a hand to his forehead. "It's like this, Daria." he said. "Our parents didn't

believe in gender biased toys so, um..."

"Trent, I don't think any less of you." She gave him Bedtime Bear. "Here you go."

Trent looked at the bear a minute, smiled and said "Daria, I had Bedtime Bear long enough. Why don't you have him?"

"You're giving me your teddy bear?"

"You can snuggle him at night when I'm not there."

"And you think me and Jesse are gross!" said Jane.

Meanwhile, at the Moreno house, Danny got off the camp bus and came home. He knew his dad

would be at work for awhile. Maybe his brother was home. He heard a thumping noise coming down

the stairs. It was Nibbles in her plastic ball. Danny picked it up and took it upstairs.

He met Jesse coming out of his room with a bag of garbage. "Hey, Danny." he said. "How was computer camp?"

"It was awesome!" said Danny as he followed his brother downstairs. "I learned this new

code for DOS Windows..." Jesse had no idea what his brother was talking about, but he listened

anyway as he took out the garbage. "And I learned a new joke. What did the Univac say when it

downloaded the Commodore 64? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!"

"Um, yeah." Jesse didn't get it.

"Oh, here's Nibbles." Danny gave Jesse the hamster in a plastic ball.

"Thanks." Jesse took Nibbles out of the ball and stroked her fur with one finger. "I just

cleaned her cage. Could you do me a favor, Danny? I'm gonna be at a friend's house for a while

and I need someone to take care of Nibbles for me. And by 'take care of' I do not mean attach

electrodes to her brain and make her run a maze."

"Aw, are you still mad about that? Look, her fur grew back nicely." Danny sighed and shook his head. "Weird. as soon as I get home, you're getting ready to leave."

"Tell you what, when I get home, I'll give you another driving lesson."

"Really? I know how you hate it."

"You sped through nearly every red light and ran down 6 or 7 mailboxes."

"What are you worried about? Hercules is damn near indestructable. Plus, how was I supposed to concentrate with you mumbling all that stuff about the Lord being your shepherd?"

"With the way you drive, Danny, I'm considering investing in a St. Christopher medal."

"Don't be so superstitious."

"It's not superstitous."

"St. Christopher, rabbit's foot; what's the dif? Anywho, I met this guy at computer camp

who doesn't live far from here. Can he come over?"

"Danny, now that Papa's sobered up, you need to stop acting like I'm your dad. It's fine by me if it's fine by him."

"Old habits die hard." Danny shrugged.

There was a knock at the door. It was Max. "You ready to go, Jess?" he asked.

"Yeah. Lemme go put Nibbles up and get my bag." Danny went upstairs with Jesse.

Jesse showed Danny where he kept the hamster food. "I left the numbers for the vet and where I'll be staying on the fridge. Make sure Nibbles has food and water everyday. Give her a lettuce leaf every once in a while." He gave his brother a hug. "Behave yourself, kid."

"So, how come your friends told you to meet them at the football field?" Max asked as he drove.

"I dunno." said Trent. "Just got an E-mail the other day saying to meet them there so they could pick us up."

The group waited by the Tank II. A strange humming sound came from the distance. It grew

louder and louder. The sun was blocked out by a huge black form. It was an aircraft, but one like none of them had seen. It hovered over the field for a few moments and then settled on the ground. A hatch just beneath the nose opened and a flight of steps were revealed. A little blue man with pointed ears and a tail came out. Holy crap! thought Max. The Martians have landed! "Guten tag!" said the "Martian", waving a three fingered hand.

"Jesus Christ!" Max gasped.

"Where?" Kurt turned rapidly, as if expecting Jesus to be standing behind him. He turned

back to Max. "Oh, I remember you. You were at that 3 Doors Down concert last month. Which one are you again? Merry or Pippin?" Max made some stammering sounds. "Oh, you probably don't recognize me. One moment." Kurt turned on his image inducer. "Is that better?"

"Oh, you were that guy with the cute chick with the frosted hair."

"I wouldn't say she was /with/ me. She's my sister, more or less. But, I'll be sure to tell Rogue you think she's cute."

A tall, slender woman with dark skin and white hair exited the craft. "Is everyone ready?" she asked in a faintly accented voice.

"Halle Berry?" Max said in surprise.

"Me?" The woman seemed surprised at the mistaken identity.

"Don't be too flattered, Storm." said Kurt. "He thinks I'm Jesus Christ."

"It's time to go. Everyone ready?" asked Storm.

Max watched his friends enter the craft. He decided it favored the Stealth Bomber in design. The craft effortlessly lifted of the ground, reached enough altitude and darted away.

"Welcome aboard the Blackbird." Kurt said to his friends. "Fasten your seatbelts and please observe the no screaming sign." Jane took her didgital camera out of her bag and snapped a few pictures of the clouds outside her window. "This is a good time to vistit the X Mansion." Kurt said, settling into his seat. "My birthday is tomorrow."

"Your birthday falls on a holiday too, huh." said Trent. "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Not really." Kurt shrugged. "In Germany, July fourth is just another day. Here, I get

fireworks on my birthday. Then again, Jubilee makes sure everyone gets fireworks on their birthday."

"Who's Jubilee?" asked Daria.

"You'll find out." Kurt said with a smile. "Actually, I'm not sure July fourth is my real

birthday, but it's the day my parents always celebrated it."

"So you're-um-adopted?" asked Daria.

"Sort of. They said I couldn't have been more than a week or two old when they found me.

I've probably been 17 years old for a week and not known it." He smiled sardonically. "If it was much longer than that, I've been reading the wrong horoscope all these years."

Jane took out her sketch book as the others settled in for the flight. She started sketching Storm's head. She just liked how serene the woman's facial features were as she piloted the Blackbird. She liked the sharp contrast of white flowing hair against light brown skin. She wondered if Storm was a mutant too.

Kurt peeked at Jane's book. "That's pretty." he said. Jane showed him the nearly finished

sketch. "It's Storm. You drew her very well." He took a closer look. "You know, she does kind of look like Halle Berry-sort of"'

"Sort of." said Jane. "But not really."

"Could you do me next?"

Jane smiled. "I think Jesse would object to that."

"Oh, I didn't mean..."

"I was teasing you. Sit still." Kurt looked Jane's way as she got her sketchbook and pencil ready. "Could you turn of the holo? I wanna draw you the way you really are."

Kurt was flattered. He turned off the inducer and posed for Jane.

The Blackbird landed less than an hour later. Scott, Jean and Rogue met them and introduced them to everyone. "Professor X is out giving a lecture." said Scott. "He'll be back this afternoon. He's been dying to meet you four."

"Oh, Rogue," said Kurt. "Remember the bald guy from the concert? He thinks you're cute."

"Shut up. I ain't cute." she retorted.

A girl introduced as Kitty saw Jane's sketchbook. "Could I see?" she asked. Jane showed her the book. "Wow, this is a really good drawing of Storm. Wish I could draw like that." Jane thanked her. "I like this one of Kurt. You managed to capture that mischivous look in his eyes."

Daria approached Jubilee. "Jubilee, right? Kurt says you do fireworks."

Jubilee made a hand gesture. A small explosion popped in the air and fizzled. "It's a talent. I'll bring out the big stuff at the party tomorrow. I'm doing fireworks, Logan's barbequing and Storm's providing the sno-cones."

"Swell. Do you know of a mall around here? I'd like to get a birthday present for Kurt."

"Know of a mall? I used to live in one!"

"Did someone say 'mall'?" asked a girl with pink spiky hair.

"What's your name again?"

"Kelly Osbourne." she had a British accent. "The Prof calls me Foulmouth. I just got here

last week. Do you mind if I ride along? I'd like to get Kurt something. He's been nice to me and my Pussy."

"Your /what/?"

"She means her cat." Jubilee explained.

Jean drove them to the mall in her SUV. Kitty joined in. She wanted to get a gift to. "So, Kelly Osbourne," said Trent. 'Are you related to.."

"He's my dad." she said before he could finish.

"No way!"

"That's right, my dad's the Prince of Fucking Darkness."

The SUV's engine backfired. "Kelly!" Jean scolded.

"I'm sorry, it just leaked out. That's my mutant power." she explained. "Whenever I say bad words, I cause energy waves. That's why my codename is Foulmouth."

"You ever think about going into music?" Trent asked her. "Like your dad?"

"I have actually. One reason I didn't mind living here so much is we're pretty close to

New York. I've been recording my own album."

"What's it called?"

"Shut Up."

"I'm sorry?"

"That's the name of my album. Shut Up."

"Oh. Got a band yet?"

"Pure Rubbish."

"So...you don't have a band."

"Oh, no, that's the name of my band. Pure Rubbish."

They got to the mall and went to Fencer's gifts. Jane teased Daria with some of the naughtier gifts on display. "The Honey Moon Kit." she said, reading a box. "Comes with blindfold, peacock feather and a jar of honey. Now I know what to get you for your bridal shower."

"You do and I'll get you this." She showed Jane a thong with a monkey design. She sqeezed

it, it made a sound like a monkey screaming.

Jesse looked through the posters. "We're here to get something for Kurt." Trent reminded him.

"Trent," said Kitty. "Could you give me a little advice?"

"Sure." She took him to the jewelry counter.

"What kind of jewelry do guys like?" she asked.

"Silver's always good, I guess."

"I can't get him a ring. His fingers are to big. I was thinking maybe.." She slapped her

hand to her forehead. "Like, what am I thinking! I can't get Kurt jewelry! It's, like, too- commital. We're just friends."

"You can give someone jewelry and just be friends." said Trent. He showed her one of his

rings. "My buddy Max gave me this for my 18th birthday. And Jesse gave me this pendant for

Christmas one year. Take a good look at it." Kitty looked at the pendant. It was a half circle

with the letters FRIE FOR engraved on it. "Jesse has the other half. When you put them together

it spells out 'friends forever.' So, you can give jewelry and just be friends."

"Maybe if it's guy-to-guy or girl-to-girl." said Kitty.

"I think Trent's right." said Jubilee. "I'll get Kurt one of those pendants shaped like a

crab. It's his birth sign."

"I'll get something else." Kitty decided. "I just can't get him jewelry, I, like, have

a boyfriend. OK, he's a self-centered controlling jerk, but he's still my boyfriend."

Kelly had bought a tee-shirt but wouldn't let anyone see. "Wait for the party." she said. Jubilee bought the crab pendant. "They had a special. Every Zodiac pendant comes with a free matching charm. I think only girls do charm bracelets, but I'll give it to him anyway."

An Ell-See Toys was just across from Fencer's Gifts. A display near the entrance featured

Dancing Hamsters. They were basically animatronic hamsters that would move to the beat of a

Chipmunks-style song when a button was pressed. "Hey Jesse," said Jane. "Doesn't this one kinda

look like Nibbles?"

"I guess so." He pressed its paw. It danced to Kool and the Gang's "Celebration."

"You have a hamster, Jesse?" asked Kitty.

"Yeah. I'm thinking of getting a male to keep her company. You have any pets?"

Kitty smiled. "His name is Lockheed. I'll introduce you when we get home." Kitty looked at the hamsters. One had drumsticks in its paws and was dressed like Ringo Starr circa '62. When she pressed its paw it danced to The Beatles' "Birthday".

"I think I found the perfect gift." she said.

The group broke for lunch in what Kitty called "Junk Food Ally." She had a Caesar salad

while everyone else had burgers or pizza. "I'm serious," she said. "That stuff will totally kill you."

"But what a way to go." said Daria.

"I still refuse to eat anything that has a face."

"This doesn't have a face." said Jane, displaying her burger. "At least, not any more."

"Kitty's right." said Daria. "This thing once had a face." She contemplated her burger.

"It probably had a name, a family, brothers and sisters. And if they were here, I'd eat them too."

"Eat me, Kitty." Kelly used her burger as a puppet, teasing her friend. "Eat me now!"

"Have you guys decided what you're gonna get?" asked Jubilee.

"Um, I got this at Fencer's." Trent showed them a birthday card he picked out. It had a

particularly busty swimsuit model on the front. /Hey, big guy,/ it read /How'd you like to see a picture of her naked?/ Inside the card was a picture of a bare bottomed baby. /She was a lot

younger then!/

"Maybe the four of us could pitch in on one gift." suggested Jesse.

"It's an idea." said Trent. They finally decided to go four ways on a karioke machine that came with a "Hits of the 80's" CD.

"That would be perfect for Kurt." said Jubilee. "He's always been a bit of a ham. I think

he kinda misses the spot light. He grew up in a circus."

As soon as they got back they were greeted by a large friendly dog. "Is this Lockheed?" asked Jesse, rubbing the dog's neck.

"Um, not exactly." Kitty tried not to giggle.

"Actually," said Jean, "That's..."

"Quiet." Kelly whispered. "I wanna see how this plays out."

The dog licked Jesse's face. "Good boy." he said. The dog rolled over on its back. "Oh, I

mean, good girl." Jesse rubbed the dog's belly, causing her leg to thump. Kelly, Kitty and Jean

all tried hard not to laugh.

"OK, that's enough, Rahne." said Jean. Suddenly the dog morphed into a teenaged girl with

pigtails. She blew Jesse a kiss and got up and walked away. Jesse blushed while Jane glowered.

Professor X was back and eager to meet them. He was a thin bald man in a wheelchair with an intelligent glimmer in his eyes. "The Formidable Four." he said. "I'm honored to meet you. I

understand you've found acceptance in your hometown. Not many mutants are so fortunate."

"You save a kid here, bust a bad guy there." Jane shrugged. "No problem."

"I wish it was that easy." said Professor X. "Many of my students have been both verbally

and physically attacked while trying to help. My dream as that some day, humans and mutants will learn to live together."

"Are you a mutant, to?" asked Daria.

"Yes, Phantom. I'm a telepath. And yes, Sir Stretchalot, this is my real head. No, my neck is not blowing bubble gum."

"Whoa, that's scary." said Trent.

That night Daria had trouble sleeping. Professor X wasn't as lax as Amanda was about sleeping arrangments. She was sharing a room with Jane, who was snoring pretty loudly. How does Jesse stand it? she wondered. Daria looked at Bedtime Bear. "You're not doing your job." she told it. "You're gonna get kicked out of the Care Bear Corps." She went downstairs to the library. Maybe a book would help her sleep.

Daria opened the door to the library and came face to face with a huge monster covered in

blue fur. "Eep!" she squeeked.

"I'm sorry," said the monster in a cultured voice. "Did I frighten you?"

"Uh, no." she lied. Get a grip, Morgendorfer. She told herself. He's probably just another mutant. "Are you Kurt's dad or something?"

"We are of no relation. Oh, where are my manners? Dr. Henry McCoy, M.D." He put out a large furry hand. Daria shook it and introduced herself. "Well, Daria, I came here for a Dosteovsky I was reading earlier. Anything I can help you with?"

"I was hoping I could get something to read before going to sleep."

"In that case, stay away from Lovecraft."

"Thanks. You've got a lot of books here."

"It's the professor's private collection, but he's quite generous about lending them. I'm

the de facto librarian. We got a collection of Poes the other day."

"He's one of my favorites, but it's not something you read before bed either. I'll find

something."

"Well, I'll be going then. Good night, Daria." Dr. McCoy left.

Did I just have a literary conversation with a hairy blue monster? Daria asked herself.

Did I just have a literary conversation with a teenager? Dr. McCoy asked himself.

Daria took a book off the shelf. A passageway slid open. Wonderful, I'm having a Nancy Drew moment. She entered the passagway. She walked down a winding corridor until she saw the strangest thing. Professor X had some sort of helmet on his head and was looking at a computer projection of a world map. Hundreds of glowing red dots were spread across every continent. Before Daria could do anything Professor X said "Hello, Phantom. You're up rather late."

He has his back to me. she thought. How did he...oh, that's right. "Um, should I leave?"

"You don't have to. But if you remain, you must be very still." Daria didn't dare breathe. "Every red light you see up there represents a mutant in the world. Some were made by accident like you and your friends. Some were made by experimentation, such as the Terror Bears. But for the most part, mutants are who they are because nature intended them to be. Right now, there's a young man in The Commonwealth who can't explain why a metal shell covers his skin sometimes. There's a girl in Texas who was expelled from her church when it was discovered she had super strength."

"Not surprising." said Daria. "Religious leaders have been refuting the theory of evolution for years. When evolution is staring them straight in the face, they don't know what to do."

"You're wise beyond your years, Daria."

"Thanks. It's a gift. And a curse."

The next day a party was held pool side. Logan was at the grill wearing an apron that read "Don't touch the cook." Storm was making sno-cones- with real snow. "Hey, Ororo." said Logan. "Make me a sno-cone."

"What flavor?"

"Beer."

"We have cherry, grape and blue coconut."

"Beer." Storm gave him a look. "Oh, alright, grape." Storm's eyes glowed white as she created just enough snow to fill the paper cone. She squirted it with the grape flavored syrup.

The stereo was blasting Eiffel 51's "I'm Blue". Kurt was dancing to it as the other mutants chanted "Go Kurt, go Kurt, It's your birthday."

Daria was gingerly entering the pool, trying to get used to the cold when she was splashed by cold pool water. "Sorry." said Kurt, paddling up to her. "Never could resist a chance to do a cannonball."

"I was planning to get wet anyway. Oh, happy birthday."

"Danke. Daria, maybe we shouldn't swim so close together. Your boyfriend is giving me that weird look again."

"I told him about Amanda."

"Uh, yes, about that." he seemed uncomfortable. "We.. just couldn't make it work. I'm single again." He came closer as if to tell her a secret. "But there's someone else I like." Oh, God, don't let it be me. Daria thought. "Keep a secret?" She nodded. "I really like Kitty." he whispered. "I have for a long time."

Daria sighed with relief and entered the pool. She grabbed a passing inner tube and floated with it for a while. Kurt found a Wet Noodle and leaned against it. "I don't know if she likes me that way. I kinda tease her sometimes. Do you think that's immature?"

"To tell the truth, yes."

Kurt sighed. He asked for the truth and got it. "I don't know if you'd like her. As Rogue

would say 'She's such a girl.' She likes cute pink sparkly things. Likes clothes shopping."

"Sounds like my sister."

"Ja, but, you've told me about your sister, Daria. Kitty's not like her. She cares about

other people and she's very smart. She has her faults, but..." He couldn't seem to find the words.

"But you don't care." said Daria. "You'll take the whole package, because you know everything that's good about that person outweighs anything that's bad. And what anyone else thinks-including siblings-just doesn't matter."

"That's how you feel about Trent, ja?"

"Ja." She exhausted her knowledge of the German language.

"He's a lucky man." Kurt floated lazily in the pool. "And what you said makes sense. Take

Rogue's boyfriend...please."

"Rogue has a boyfriend?"

"She started seeing him about the same time Kelly joined us. He's a mutant called Toad

because he has the powers of a toad."

"What do you mean powers? All toads do is hop around and eat bugs."

"Bingo."

"He eats bugs!? Like Rhenfield from /Dracula/?"

"Nein, he has a long, sticky tongue like a toad. Did I mention he spits slime?"

"Does she kiss this guy? Wait, I forgot, she can't kiss."

"Daria, I don't want to think about what they do together. The boy has no morals. He doesn't have the manners God gave a pig. And he smells horrible. And this coming from someone who once lived in a circus."

"Maybe Rogue sees something in him that you can't."

"Maybe." he shrugged. "To each his Dulcinea, I guess."

Jesse reclined in the chaise lounge and watched Jane play Marco Polo with 5 Jamies and

Jubilee. He adjusted his shades and remembered the first time he kissed Jane. It had been after

they put the goalpost back up. They sat on the bleachers and talked untill the sun went down.

When she promised that she'd always be his friend he put his arms around her and held her close. "Jesse," she whispered as the sky began to darken. "I can feel your heart beat." Jesse didn't know what to say. He just stroked her short black hair and looked into her sky blue eyes. He never knew who leaned in first, but he found himself kissing her. He couldn't believe it. He was kissing Jane Lane, the little girl he used to play Chutes and Ladders with. I guess we've both grown up. he thought. He walked her home in silence, hand in hand. When they got to her door he asked her if they could be more than friends. "We can arrange that." she said as she stood on her toes and put her arms around his neck. She kissed him, slipping in just a little tongue. Jesse was suddenly drenched with cold water.

"Trent!" Jesse was rudly awakened from his daydream by Trent splashing him.

"You could use a shower." Trent joked as he climbed out of the pool. He sat in a lounge

chair next to Jesse and whispered "You should thank me. You were pitching a tent."

"Oh." Jesse blushed.

"Think you can go five minutes without having dirty thoughts about my sister?"

"They weren't dirty thoughts."

"So you were thinking about her." he teased.

Daria came up behind Trent and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "What was that for?" he asked.

"Someone told me you're a lucky man. And I realized I'm a very lucky woman."

"Kitty!" yelled Logan. "Your soy burger is ready." Kitty came to the grill and got her

burger. "How you can eat that crap, I'll never know." Logan shook his head.

"Soy is better for you." she said, spreading mustard on her bun. A little purple dragon

sniffed around Kitty's bare feet. "Do you have something for Lockheed?"

Logan tossed a raw frankfurter in the air. "Go fetch." he told the dragon. Lockheed flew

into the air and grabbed his prize on the wing.

"Hey," someone on the perrimiter of the mansion property yelled. "Is someone here having a party?" He was a tall African American boy with bleached hair and covered in spines like a porcupine.

"Evan!" Storm dropped the sno-cone she had been working on and ran over to him.

"Spyke!" Kurt ported out of the pool and went to greet his friend.

"Hang on," he said, keeping them at arms length. "I don't want either of you getting

impaled just because you're glad to see me."

"Evan, you've come home!" Storm was trying her best not to cry.

"Only for a little while, Aunt Ro." he said. "I belong with the morlocks now. But I'd never miss my buddy's birthday. So, the big one-seven, huh?"

"I'm glad you came, Spyke." said Kurt.

When the sun went down, Jubilee started her fireworks display. The sky was lit up with

whistling, glowing flowers of color. Jubilee's finale was making her fireworks spell out "Happy

Birthday, Kurt." She took her bow as everyone applauded. Then it was inside for cake and ice cream.

Jane took pictures as Kurt opened his presents. He liked Kitty's present. "It's cute, fuzzy and likes to dance." he said. "Just like me." He kissed her forehead. He put on the Cancer pendent Jubille gave him and put the charm in his pocket. "Jubilee, thank you for giving me crabs." Everyone laughed. He laughed as soon as he saw the tee-shirt Kelly got him. Jane took a picture of him holding it up. The shirt said "Things to do with a pussy" and illustrated options with a hapless cartoon cat. Options were such as "Shave it", "Eat it", "Wash it", "Stuff it", "Ram it" and so forth.

He liked the karioke machine. He and Trent set it up. Kurt looked at the list of songs

included on the CD. "99 Luftballoons." he read. "Hope no one minds if I sing the orriginal German lyrics."

Kurt took the mike as the music started. "hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich Dann singe ich ein

Lied fuer Dich Von 99 Luftballoons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont."

"Everyone's a superhero." Trent whispered to Daria. "Everyone is Captain Kirk."

"How true." she agreed.

After his song was done, Kurt asked who wanted to go next. "Why don't you go, Jesse?" asked Jane. "It's just us."

"I don't know."

"Please? You have such a nice voice."

Great, thought Jesse. She's making the boo-boo face. "Alright." He picked a song he knew

the lyrics to so he could keep his eyes closed throughout his performance. He chose "Like A Prayer."

Daria commented "A song also known as 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Madonna.'"

Trent grabbed Daria and danced with her. "It's like a dream," Jesse sang. "With no end and no beginning. Oh, God I think I'm falling out of the sky I hear your voice."

Kurt got Kitty to dance with him. Near the end of the song, he got on his knees, immitating Madonna's dance from the video. "When you call my name it's like a little prayer. I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there. In the midnight hour I can feel your power. Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there."

Rahne was practically drooling as she watched Jesse's performance. Jane tapped her on the

shoulder. "Just remember, he's taken." She backed up her claim by conjuring a small fireball.

"Cor, ducks," Rahne replied. "Can't a girl look?"

"Look, don't touch."

"Jesse's a good singer." Kurt said to Kitty. "I didn't know guys could do Madonna."

"What are you talking about?" she replied. "Guys do Madonna all the time. She has two kids and a rash to prove it."

"I did it again! I meant I didn't know guys could sing Madonna songs."

"So, that wasn't you singing 'Open Your Heart' in the shower last night?"

"Uh, why don't you go next, Kitty?"

Kitty was up next. She gave a livly rendition of "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun", complete

with the Cyndi Skip. After she was done, Rahne did her interpritation of "Hungry Like The Wolf."

Jean and Daria went to the kitchen for more chips and dip. Kitty followed.

"Jean," said Kitty."I just had an epiphany."

"Don't have it here," said Daria. "We just cleaned the floor." The two other girls laughed.

"Anyway," Kitty continued. "It happened while I was singing the last verse of 'Girls Just

Wanna Have Fun.' It made me think about Lance. He wants to hide me away from the rest of the

world, but I wanna be the one to walk in the sun. Next time I see him, I'm calling it quits."

"Wow," said Daria. "Immagine what would happen if she sang 'She Bop' instead."

"I don't think I want to." Jean laughed.

Somehow, Logan had been talked into performing "If You Want My Body." He didn't seem thrilled about it. Daria got back with her friends. "Well, Cyndi Lauper inspired Kitty to break up with her boyfriend." she said.

"She told me about him at the mall." said Trent. "She said he was kind of a jerk. Wonder if she'd be interested in Kurt."

"He told you too?"

"What?"

"Oops, I think I just told you something he told me not to tell."

"He didn't have to tell me." said Trent. "I could tell from the way he looks at her. I'll

admit, I was affraid he was interested in you at first. But, the truth is, you're just an interesting person."

"Thanks."

"Do I smell matchmaking opportunity?" asked Jane.

"That's not such a good idea." said Daria.

"C'mon!" urged Jane. "It'll be the best birthday present he ever got!"

"How do we go about it?" Trent asked as Jubilee took the mike and sang "Total Eclipse of

the Heart."

"OK," said Jane. "We suggest a game of Truth or Dare. One of our potential lovebirds will

eventually choose dare, and we'll just dare one to kiss the other. And they'll live happily ever after!"

"There's something wrong with this plan." said Daria. "Won't they notice if the members of the Formidable Four start picking on Kurt and Kitty?"

"You're right." said Jane. "So it'll be up to you and Trent."

"I'm gonna get you for that one, Janey." Trent warned.

Everyone seemed interested in playing Truth or Dare. Everyone sat in a circle. Lockheed

rested in Kitty's lap while a pampered Siamese purred in Kelly's lap. That must be the Pussy she talked about. Daria decided. Trent went first. "Kurt, truth or dare?"

"Truth." he decided.

This is going to be harder than I thought. Trent decided. He came up with a good truth.

"Describe your first make-out session."

"Oh, that was a long time ago." said Kurt. "I guess I was 14. Her name was Griselda." He

closed his eyes and smiled as he caressed the air. "I can still feel her beard now." he sighed.

"Her beard?!" chorused several players.

"Ja, my first love was Griselda, the Bearded Lady back in the circus. Our love was simply

too hot, too passionate to last very long." Several people laughed. "Scott, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to kiss...Lockheed!"

"Kitty's dragon? You're serious?" Kurt nodded. "OK, here it goes." He gave Lockheed a peck on the head. Lockheed responded by giving him a slurp on the cheek. "Gross!" He whiped his face. "Kelly, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Did your dad really bite the head off a bat?"

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Why does everyone ask me that? OK, yes, he did, but he thought it

was a rubber Halloween bat. Jean, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you ever snogged Scott?"

"Umm...what's a snog?"

"Tongue kissing."

Both Scott and Jean blushed. "Well, yes. We've snogged." Among other things. she mentally

added. "Jane, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you to talk like Yoda for the rest of the game."

"Talk like Yoda you ask of me? Hmm...Talk like Yoda I shall then. Jesse, truth or dare you must pick. Be not affraid of either."

"Uh, truth."

"Ah, set you free, the truth shall. Most sensitive part of your body, what is?" Jesse blushed. "The one eyed rancor I mean not." Everyone but Jesse laughed.

"Well," Jesse said. "I guess that would be my feet." Jane gave him a questioning look. Jesse shrugged. "I just like having them rubbed."

"Hmmm..." Jane stroked Jesse's instep. "How feel you?"

"It doesn't work when I'm wearing shoes. Trent, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

Jesse thought a moment. "I dare you to put on lipstick."

"What?"

"Have some in my bag, do I!" Jane raced to her room to get her lipstick and raced back.

She even brought a small mirror for him. Trent smeared the lipstick over his lips and blotted

them together. The effect was hideous.

"Kitty," Trent said. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth." she giggled.

What is it with these people and the truth? "Tell us about your boyfriend."

"Well, he's a jerk and I'm breaking up with him." A few people applauded. Kurt smiled.

"Daria, truth or dare?"

"Um, Dare."

"I dare you to kiss Trent, hard enough to smear his lipstick."

"Well, OK." She grabbed Trent and kissed him fiercly. When she was done, half of the lipstick he had smeared on was on her mouth. "Kurt, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

Damn, he likes the truth. "Um, what's it like having a tail?"

Kurt seemed perplexed. "Hard to say. I've always had it. It's useful for when I need a third hand. Getting it caught in a doorway hurts like Hell, especially when you're trying to pretend you don't have a tail. Spyke, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

Kurt smiled mischivously. "Go pants Logan."

"Do I look suicidal?"

"Spyke, I've seen you do things on your skateboard that they wouldn't do on 'Jackass'."

"OK." Spyke went to the kitchen where Logan and Storm where talking. The others followed

quietly.

"They've been quiet for a while." said Storm. "Should we check on them?"

"I checked a moment ago. They're playing Truth or Dare." said Logan.

"Now I really think we should check on them."

"They're good kids. Ororo. No one's gonna run out cryin' and the dares won't go beyond a

little smooch face." Just then, Spyke grabbed the waist of Logan's jeans and yanked, revealing

white briefs. Storm screamed. Logan unsheathed his claws. "YOU'RE ONE DEAD PORCUPINE, DANIELS!" he roared.

Spyke ran for it. Logan hitched his pants back up and chased him. Storm followed, begging

Logan not to kill her nephew. Everyone else followed to watch the gore that was sure to come.

Professor X was in the study having tea with Beast and discussing /Crime and Punishment/.

"What was that noise?" asked Beast, hearing the commotion.

"The party's probably becoming a bit rowdy." Xavier paused, and took the teapot off the

table. "Henry, would you mind helping me remove the crockery from the table? I'd like to keep it a matching set."

"Of course," said Beast, removing the sugar bowl. "But why..." He was interrupted by Spyke leaping over the table, closly followed by an angry Logan who had the claws on one hand ready, the other hand holding up his pants. Storm was trying to hold him back. A crowd of young mutants rushed by. "Ah, another day at the X Mansion." Beast sighed, putting his teacup back on the table, just in time for a baby dragon and a Siamese cat to scamper across and scatter it into Beast's lap. "You couldn't see that one coming, Charles?"

"Animals are harder to read."

Logan caught up with Spyke. "Any last words, Porcupine?"

"The devil made me do it!" Spyke laughed, pointing at Kurt.

"Let it go, Logan." said Storm.

Logan sheathed his claws. There would be no bloodshed tonight. Or matchmaking either.

It was late into the night before the party started to wind down. Spyke slipped off and

returned to the Morlocks before Storm could convince him otherwise. "Kurt," Daria asked him as

they tidied up the living room. "Why did you keep chosing truth? Just curious."

"Well, Daria, when everyone knows you're a circus acrobat they keep asking you to do silly things. It's always 'Kurt, do a backflip' or 'Kurt, stand on your head.' I perform on my own terms."

"Right. People never dare you to do something dignified like pants a homicidal maniac with adamantium claws."

"Daria, Logan isn't all that bad. Sure, he comes off a little gruff, but he has the heart

of a little boy."

"Which he keeps in a jar."

Kurt picked up a white stick-on bow that had come with one of his presents. "Here," he said, sticking it on the top of Daria's head. "That looks pretty on you." Trent was giving Kurt another "hands off my woman" glare. "I'm sorry, Trent." said Kurt. "Did I make you jealous?"

"Not really."

"Ah, but I did. I'm sorry. Here, I'll make it up to you." He stuck a green bow on Trent's

head. Trent was not amused. "Listen," Kurt whispered. "I'm actually flattered that you think I'm competition for Daria. It means you see me as a person, not as a blue furred monster."

"Daria likes stimulating conversation. I'm afraid I don't give her enough of that."

"She loves you. I think she's nice, but not the one for me."

The next day they did some training in the danger room. "You're not gonna work out wearing that are you?" asked Logan when the Formidable Four showed up in street clothes. Everyone else was in spandex uniforms.

"It's what all the crimefighters in Paris are wearing this season." Daria deadpanned.

"I've been thinking," said Jane. "We really do need costumes of some kind. Every good

crimefighter has a costume that says what they're all about. I've made some designs." She took

out her everpresent sketchpad and showed the designs to her teammates.

"You can borrow four spare uniforms today." said Logan.

"Jane," said Daria, looking at the sketchpad. "Every one of the outfits you have for me

would over reveal my assets-or lack thereof."

"Where'd you get the inspiration for my costume?" asked Jesse. "Chippendales?"

"I'm not wearing spandex." Trent stated flatly. "No way in Hell, uh-uh, forget it."

Five minutes later, Trent was wearing a spandex unitard. He was plainly unhappy while Kurt was gigling. "What's so damned funny?" he challenged.

"This is just like on F-Troop when Corporal Agorn says 'No way! I'm not wearing a dress!' Then in the next scene he's all dressed up and going 'Yoo-hoo! Mr. Diablo!' It's very funny!"

"No it's not." said Trent. "And just for that, you can't be on my team."

"Here's how it goes." said Logan after he split every one into two teams. "The name of the game is 'Capture the Bacon'. Each team will be given a flag they have to protect from the other team while trying to steal the other's flag. This ain't laser tag where you get 3 chances. You get tagged, you're out. And just to make things interestin', lasers will be firing at random. The safeties are on so it won't hurt-much."

Trent really got into the game. Jane had turned off her flames to grab the flag. Trent grabbed her from behind, put her in a judo roll ending with her on the floor, his knee in her back. "Told you I'd get you." he said. As she went to the benches, Trent saw Jesse trying to take up where Jane failed. Trent stretched an arm over to block him while he grabbed a steel post to use as a staff. "Hey, Jess? You ever see that episode of Star Trek called 'Amock Time'?" Before Jesse could answer, Trent was attacking him while humming the fight music from said episode.

Meanwhile, Daria was hiding behind a partition, assesing the situation. The opposing team's flag was 25 feeet away from her. Kurt was on guard duty. Nightcrawler, she reminded herself. When he's like this, he's Nightcrawler. Daria had managed to get this far by going invisible and being quick. She decided to take off her boots so Nightcrawler wouldn't hear her approach. She held her breath and tried to slip invisibly past Nightcrawler. Good, she thought. I haven't done anything to get him to notice me.

Nightcrawler's nostrils twitched. He turned to Daria. Oh crap! Before Daria could finish

her thought, Nightcrawler tackled her. "But, how?" asked Phantom. "I was invisible!"

"Ja, Phantom, but I could smell you. I'm not as good as Wolverine, but my sense of smell is rather sensitive."

"In that case, you might want to get off me. You're touching a couple of parts of my anatomy that are rather sensitive."

"Oh, sorry." He quickly took his hands away.

Phantom hopped up and grabbed the flag. "Yoink!"

"Ach! That's not fair!"

The rest of the stay was fun but uneventful. All to soon, it was time for the Formidable

Four to pack up and get on the Blackbird back to Lawndale.

"Think you can stay the night, Jane?" Jesse whispered to her en route. "With Logan and Storm watching us like hawks, I haven't been able to touch you for nearly a week."

"You got it, babe."

The morning after, Jesse was awakened by Jane's shrieking. He leaped out of bed. Jane slammed the bathroom door behind her and ran into Jesse's arms. Normally, Jesse would've been turned on by this, but Jane's screams told him something was wrong. "What is it?" he asked.

"There-there's a cockroach in the bathroom. A really, really big one."

Women. Jesse sighed and picked up a shoe. "Alright, I'll go kill it."

"Jesse, no!"

To late, Jesse had opened the door to find a cockroach the size of a cocker spaniel in his bathroom.

Jesse slamed the door, trapping the cockroach inside. "That," he said "Was the biggest

cockroach I've ever seen."

"Cockroaches don't get that big!" said Jane.

"I'm gonna have a talk with Danny. He said he was gonna have a friend over, someone from

computer camp. Maybe they know something about it."

"Let me get dressed first." Jane put on some clothes she had been keeping at Jesse's place and looked for her boots. She had tossed them over by Nibbles' habitat. Jane noticed something odd. "Jesse, you might wanna have a look at Nibbles."

"Is she OK?" He threw on some clothes. "I asked Danny to feed her."

"She's alive. Just bigger than I remember. Maybe it's nothing. She might still be growing."

"No, after I rescued her I had a vet look her over. She's fully grown."

They went to Danny's room and knocked loudly. Danny answered the door in his pajamas, whiping sleep from his eyes. "What?" he mumbled. "You keep me up all night with your banging and moaning and then you wake me up when I'm right in the middle of a cool dream. I invented a mobile fighter droid and..."

"Danny, there's a huge ass cockroach in my bathroom." Jesse interupted. "And I mean huge."

Danny's eyes widened in recognition. "Oh, you found Spanky! Doug and I thought he was gone for good."

"Doug?"

"Doug Boothroyd, my friend from computer camp that I told you about. He brought over this

chemistry set he made himself and a hissing cockroach he called Spanky. We mixed up our own mutagens. It was really fun, but Spanky got away."

"Danny," said Jane. "You didn't by any chance use this mutagen on Nibbles, did you?"

Danny looked very guilty.

"Danny!" Jesse groaned. "I specifically told you not to do experiments on my hamster!"

"I'm sorry." he said pathetically.

"You call this Doug Boothroyd." Jesse told his brother. "The two of you better do something about this cockroach. And you better hope you haven't poisoned Nibbles." Danny obediently went downstairs to use the phone.

Just then, a crash came from Jesse's room. Spanky, now the size of a great dane came skittering down the hall at a break neck speed. Jane screamed as she edged out of the arthepod's way. Jesse went to his room. Apparantly, Spanky had chewed a hole in the bathroom door. Nibble's cage was toppled and broken. A small furry face with two shiny eyes peeked from beneath the weight bench. A furry creature crawled out and stood on two feet. Jesse guessed it to be 12 inches tall. He recognized the oversized rodent's white and gold-brown markings. "Nibbles?"

The mutated hamster ran over to Jesse and hugged his leg.

Downstairs in the dining room Jane sat in a chair and shivered. It was no use pretending

that a giant cockroach didn't just speed by her, creeped downstairs and chewed a hole in the front door in five seconds. Danny was now dressed and making Pop-Tarts. Jane found herself completly without an appetite. Jesse limped into the room with a furry mass attatched to his leg. He folded his arms and gave Danny a baleful glare. Danny tried to placate him with a Pop-Tart.

Luis came downstairs dressed in a suit and tie. "What's all the commotion?" he asked. "And why is there a hole in our front door, huh? First the staircase, then the door!"

"Danny started it." said Jesse.

"Well, end it." Luis took a Pop-Tart. "Escuchen, I've got an AA meeting to go to, plus an

interview for a better job. When I come back, I expect our door to be in one piece. Ah, Jane,

buenos dias."

"Buenos dias, Senor Moreno."

"Call me Luis, por favor." He left.

"He didn't notice Nibbles clinging to your leg." said Danny. "Maybe no one else will."

Jane called home. Daria answered. Apparantly, she had also spent the night with her fiance. "Jane, you'll never believe this." Daria said before Jane could explain what was happening. "I went out to get the paper when I saw a cockroach the size of a horse crawling down the street."

"Really? It was the size of a great dane when I saw it. While we were gone, Jesse's brother had a little fun with science and now we've got a creepy crawly on the loose."

"I'll wake up Trent and be there shortly."

"Doug should be over soon." said Danny. "I IMed him. He was glad to know Spanky is OK."

"OK?" Jane was exasperated. "According to Daria that bug is getting bigger by the minute!"

"Must be an effect of the mutagen. And Spanky's not a bug, he's an insect. True bugs include beetles such as..."

"Spare me the biology lesson, kid."

"Danny," said Jesse. "Help me get Nibbles off my leg. I don't wanna hurt her."

"Looks like she's developed an Electra Complex." said Danny.

"C'mon, Nibbles," Jesse coaxed, prying the clawy fingers off his leg. "Let me go."

Nibbles looked up at Jesse with her dewy black eyes. She opened her mouth and uttered a

squeeky sound.

"Jeh-she."

The three humans gaped at the hamster. "Did, did she just..." stammered Jane.

"Yeah." gasped Jesse.

"Cool! It worked!" said Danny. "I wasn't sure if it would, but..."

"What did you do to her?" Jesse demanded.

"The mutagenic compound I used was designed to increase IQ and conscousness levels. I knew it might make her smarter than the average hamster, I didn't think she'd be able to talk. Can you say something else, Nibbles?"

"Shumting elsh Nibblesh." was her squeeky reply.

"The speech impediment is likly due to her buck teeth." Danny observed.

"Well, thank you, Mr. Wizard!" Jane retorted.

Trent and Daria arrived at almost the same time Doug did. Doug Boothroyd was a pudgy kid

with red hair and freckles. "Hey, Danny." he said. "Whoa, is that your hamster? Your experiment

worked!"

"Nibbles is /my/ hamster, thank you." said Jesse.

"Nibblesh ish Jeshe'sh hamshter!" Nibbles squeeked happily.

"So where's Spanky?" asked Doug.

"Somewhere in Lawndale." said Jane. "He shouldn't be to hard to find. You two start working on an anti-mutagen, we'll go get Spanky." God, I can't believe I'm referring to a roach by name.

There were now reports all over Lawndale of an enormous cockroach. The size descriptions

kept getting bigger. People fled in panic from the giant insect as it crawled over houses and cars and chewed up everything in its way. The Formidable Four tracked it down to Dega Street. They tried to surround it. Trent used his stretch powers to try and subdue the monster, but he couldn't get a grip on the sleek exoskeleton. Jesse went for the front legs in an attempt to wrestle it, but Spanky's strength was a match for Hercules. Jane surrounded the insect with a ring of fire. A hiss filled the air. "Problem solved!" she spoke to soon. Spanky's back split, revealing filmy wings. With a hum, Spanky zipped into the air and flew west. He was out of sight in seconds.

"That's...not good." Daria observed.

"OK, let's not panic." said Trent. "We're probably gonna have to ask Max for the Tank II

so we can track down Spanky. There will probably be news reports on the radio about a giant

cockroach real soon."

Max reluctantly let them borrow the Tank II. "Bring it back in one piece this time!" he

requested. As soon as they walked back into the Moreno house, Nibbles squeeked "Jeshe!" and

pounced on him, hugging his neck. "Nibblesh ish mishing her Jeshe sho much!"

"Hang on," said Jane. "Let's get a few things straight, Furry. Jesse is /my/ man."

"Jane," said Daria. "You do realize you're jealous of a rodent."

Doug and Danny loaded their make-shift chemistry lab into the back of the van. "Couldn't

go for IQ, could you, Doug?" Danny mixed some viscous chemicals together. "No, you had to go for humungous size."

"There isn't much I could do with Spanky's IQ." Doug contested. "Insects have very primitive nervous systems. Nibbles at least has a spinal column, even if her brain was literally the size of a pea. And I proved you wrong, didn't I?"

"Simple physics and laws of gravity, Doug. I was sure that if an insect got too large its

legs would snap under the weight."

"I just made the legs stronger. Unfortunatly, that made the wings stronger as well." Doug

took out a calculator. "Let's see, the average hissing cockroach can fly 6 feet at a time. Spanky started out at 3 inches and is now approximatly 10 feet in length and still growing..."

Jesse had been unable to persuade Nibbles to stay home. "Look, Nibbles," he said. "I have

to stop this giant cockroach. You have to stay in the van to keep out of trouble."

"But, Nibblesh ish not wanting to leave Jeshe." she squeeked. "Nibblesh love Jeshe."

"Back up, Furry!" said Jane. "What did I tell you about my man?"

"Name ish not Furry!" she snapped. "Name ish Nibblesh! You ish bad woman! You ish hurting Jeshe!"

"Hurting him? What are you talking about?"

"Nibblesh ish sheeing you almost every night from cage. You-you bite Jeshe! You ish jumping up and down on him untill he shcream in pain! You ish doing it jusht lasht night!"

Jane and Jesse blushed. "Um, Nibbles." said Jesse. "I wasn't in pain. Trust me."

"Women who are jealous of their boyfriend's pets," announced Daria. "Next on Jerry Springer." She was a bit surprised by what Nibbles described. Jesse was a screamer. Who would've thought?

"Quiet, everyone." said Trent. "I'm trying to hear the radio." Trent was driving while searching for a radio station that had news about a giant cockroach.

"...a 35 foot long cockroach reportedly crossed the Massachusettes/New York border. I'm Casey Casem. My dear listeners, this can only be a sign of the upcomming appocolypse. I'm Casey Casem. In light of recent events, I, Casey Casem, would like to make a special request and dedication to all my loyal listeners. I'm Casey Casem. I've enjoyed my last fifty years broadcasting and hope you have to. I'm Casey Casem. More than my Top 40 show, I hope you have enjoyed life. I'm Casey Casem. Here's R.E.M with 'It's The End Of The World As We Know It'. I'm Casey Casem."

"Gee," said Daria as the enigmatic song played. "You think that was Casey Casem?"

"He's probably getting senile." said Trent. "At least we know where to go now."

As they crossed the state line, Trent heard a faint staticky voice in his ear. "Trent, Daria, anyone of the Formidable Four. Can you hear me?" Trent knew the voice was coming from the communication earring Danny gave him. He fished around in his pocket for his pen.

"Sir Stretchalot speaking."

"Good, we're in range now. This is Cyclops. I'm in the Blackbird with the rest of the X-Men. No doubt you've heard about the 45 foot cockroach seen flying towards New York City."

"Forty-five? Last report said 35."

"Meet us in Central Park."

"See you there."

The denizens of New York would've been at least surprised to see a craft as large as the

Blackbird land in Central Park, if they hadn't been panicked by a 50 foot cockroach that had just landed on 5th Avenue. The first thing Spanky did upon landing was tear a Mercedes Benz in half with his grusome mandibles. The Formidable Four weren't the only Lawndalians in New York.

"This is it!" Diana Wolfgang said excitedly. "I'll do an on the spot report of the Roach

That Ate New York and finally get out of that podunk town and do some serious journalism! Oh, I knewthere was a reason I survived that zombie attack! Theo! Get out there and get me some footage of that giant cockroach."

"No, Ms Wolfgang."

"Dammit, Theo! I'm not going to let a piss ant like you stand in my way to fame!"

"Go to Hell, Ms Wolfgang."

"You're fired! Give me that damn camera, I'll do it myself!"

"Your funeral, Ms Wolfgang."

Ms Wofgang stood out in the middle of the street filming the horde of people running in

terror from the colossal Kirbian monster. She tilted the camera back to get a full shot of the

creature. A hairy jointed limb came inches from trampling Ms Wolfgang. As soon as the monster

passed, Ms Wolfgang found herself in need of a clean pair of pantyhose.

The Fashion Club was on an excursion at Macy's. "So anyway," Quinn was saying. "I told Mom that if Daria gets to stay at a mansion with some creepy mutant freaks, then surely I can go to New York for a shopping trip. Good thing I'm still her favorite."

"Of course you are." said Stacy. "I mean, Daria's your cousin so that makes her only your

mom's, umm...."

"Her niece, you chowderhead!" Power had made Quinn downright nasty.

"Chowder." breathed Tiffany. "Calories. Faaat. Eew."

"Attention, Macy's shoppers." said a voice on the overhead. "Macy's will be closing in 30

minutes due to an attack by a giant cockroah. Please take your purchases to the check-out and

thank you for shopping at Macy's."

Brooke dropped the Christian Dior she had been admiring and sprinted towards the doors.

"And just what do you think you're doing, Brooke?" Quinn demanded.

"Uh, running for my life?"

"That is, like, so geeky. And is the floor any place for a Dior to lay, where it can get

all creased and wrinkly? Really, Brooke, if you can't show a little consideration for others,

maybe the Fashion Club isn't for you."

"I-I'm sorry, Quinn." Brooke picked up the dress.

"Now, we'll just take our purchases to the counter and- hey, this handbag is cute!" Quinn

picked up a leopard print bag.

"Ooh, get it, Quinn!" said Stacy. "It'll match that new scarf you got!"

Meanwhile, at Central Park: "Is it safe to look, yet?" Kitty asked Kurt.

"Yes, Katzchen, the Blackbird has landed." There was one thing Kurt liked about Kitty's

fear of heights. It gave him the perfect excuse to hold her hand. "Rogue, did you really need to bring /him/?"

"His name is Todd." said Rogue. "And he wants to help just like the rest of us."

"Don't worry about it, Rogue." said Todd. "I ain't gonna let what some pointy-eared hairball says get to me."

"Better a hairball that a pus filled wart." Kurt retorted.

"Cool it, kids." Logan pulled up the hood on his uniform, becoming Wolverine.

The X-Men exited the Blackbird. "Everyone remember where we parked." said Wolverine. They

met with the Formidable Four. "Hey, Hercules." said Wolverine. "You plannin' to fight with that

furball glued to your leg?"

"Uh, this is Nibbles. My pet hamster. Nibbles, what did I say about waiting in the van?"

"Nibblesh want shtay with Jeshe!"

Jesse saw a greengrocers cart just down the street. "Hold on, I got an idea." He limped

over to the cart. "Nibbles, you've gotta stop this. You're making Jane upset." Not to mention me.

"Jane no love Jeshe like Nibblesh do."

"Nibbles, wouldn't you rather have another hamster to love? I could get you a male."

Nibbles' large shiny eyes shimmered, and then burst into tears as Nibbles let out agonized sobs. "Nibbles, you-you don't have to cry about it. I'm sorry if I..."

"Nibblesh ish having mate at one time." she whimpered as huge tears matted her fur. "But,

but...bad lady make Nibblesh kill mate!" She started crying again. Jesse bought a head of lettuce from the costermonger and showed it to Nibbles. "Ish that a..." Her tears were starting to dry. She even looked almost happy.

"It's all yours." said Jesse. "But you have to eat it in the van. OK?"

"Oh, thank you, Jeshe! Nibblesh ish loving lettush!" She grabbed it in her forpaws and

scurried back to the Tank II. She sat in the back and dug in, much to Doug and Danny's consternation.

"There it is!" Trent pointed to the giant cockroach approaching.

"A cockroach." Shadowcat shuddered. "Why did it have to be a cockroach?"

"You were expecting the Attack of the 50 Foot Bunny?" Nightcrawler shrugged.

"It's like," said Jesse. "A heavy handed metaphore, or something."

"Let's do this!" Cyclops fired an optic blast at Spanky. It hissed and waved its feelers in anger. It crawled towards them.

"Fuck off, you goddammed six-legged freak!" shouted Foulmouth. The shockwave threw Spanky

back, knocking into a half-built skyscraper. Hercules grabbed one of the foundation girders to

keep it from falling. Beast grabbed another. A gossamer thread grabbed the upper half of the

building an tugged it back into place. A scarlet clad figure swung down and joined them.

"Hiya." he said, bracing against a support beam. "Name's Spider-Man. Thought I'd help you

keep this giant bug from destroying the city. First, let's keep this building from crushing anyone."

"Are you strong?" Hercules asked.

"Listen, Bud! I've got radioactive blood!"

"We're not enough!" Beast. "If we had one more," he grunted against the weight. "With super strength," another grunt. "To hold onto the fourth support, we might make it."

"Sorry," Spidy was grunting with exertion himself. "My webs are a bit busy keeping the roof from tumbling. " Hercules wished he had Sir Stretchalot's powers. Suddenly, a small slip of a girl with a short shock of brown hair rushed to the scene. Before Hercules could yell for her to get out of the way, she grabbed the fourth support girder and pushed with all her might. The building finally seemed like it was easing back into place.

Spanky was hissing and skittering down Broadway at top speed, knocking down billboards as

it went. "Hey, Rogue, I got an idea." said Toad. "You know how a roach motel works, right? It's

got this sticky stuff that glues down the roach's legs..."

"I see where you're goin'." she said. "But I don't think even you can produce that much slime."

"Yeah, but, maybe you could, y'know, zap me-just a little- and we could both do it."

Rogue thought it over a minute and removed her glove. "I've done it with Kitty. This might hurt a little."

"I'm no stranger to pain." He brushed his fingers against hers for half a second. Shock and nausea waved over Toad, but only for a minute. Rogue looked dazed. "C'mon! Let's squash this bug!" They leaped in front of Spanky and coated the street before it in viscous green slime. Spanky stepped in it, and for a minute, looked stuck. Then it raised up a front leg with a crumbling chunk of pavement still attached. The other front leg was soon free simularly. "Oh shit!" Toad grabbed Rogue and hopped off to safety in a back ally.

"I think we're safe here." he said. When Rogue didn't respond, Toad looked at her. Tears

were rolling down her cheeks and she was biting her lip to keep from sobbing. Whoa, is Rogue crying? This is unreal. "Listen, Rogue...Marie, I know that was pretty scary back there, but we're OK, yo."

"Todd," she whispered. "I didn't mean to, but I got some of your memories." She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "I'm so sorry!"

"Look, Marie," he patted her back. "I know my life ain't been no bowl of cherries, but, I

survived, didn't I?"

"If I ever find that sick bastard who did that to you, I'll kill him!"

"Oh. You, you got that memory. I've been tryin' to forget it."

"Todd, I think you need..."

"Marie, don't say the C word. It was a long time ago, I've gotten over it."

"You don't just 'get over' something like this!"

"Look, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Taking down this giant roach is more important anyways." He hopped away, ending the discusion.

Cyclops fired more blasts at Spanky. Spyke shot spines at it. Jean tried to contact Spanky's mind, only to receive an angry hum like a hornets' nest. She had only marginal success in using her TK to subdue it. Spider-Man hit it from behind with his webbing. He found himself being dragged down the street behind the insect like a strange water skier. Everything they did only made Spanky hiss and thrash in anger. It lashed out a sticky foreleg and grabbed Shadowcat, who gave a scream of sheer terror.

"Katzchen!" Nightcrawler screamed as Spanky crawled away on five legs. It skittered up the side of the Chrysler Building.

"Flame on!" Flamin' Jane shouted. She flew up to the giant insect perched on the Chrysler

building. Storm and Jean Grey followed. Spanky swatted at the flying mutants as Shadowcat shrieked in its grasp.

"Shadowcat," Storm tried to stay calm. "Just phase through. I'll catch you."

"It's no use." said Jean. "She's hysterical with fear. She can't hear us."

"I'll burn through its leg." said Flamin' Jane. "One of you catch her."

"I'll slow her fall with my TK." said Jean. "And you can grab her, Storm."

"Very good. Positions!" Flamin' Jane soared higher above the insect. Jean perched on a

gargoyle so she could focus her TK. Storm swooped lower. Jane fired a flame jet at the leg holding Shadowcat. Spanky whipped its leg out of the line of fire, causing its hostage to shriek just before vommiting. The errant flame jet knocked Storm out of her position. Jean turned on her TK to lower her safely to the ground. Oh my God, thought Flamin' Jane. I really hurt someone! Just then, Shadowcat lost all conscousness and phased through the insect's leg.

Nightcrawler had been watching the whole scene with his heart in his throat. When he saw his beloved plummet, he did the only thing he could do. He teleported hundreds of feet in the air, grabbed her tight, and 'ported back to the ground in a span of seconds.

Phantom saw Nightcrawler standing there with Shadowcat lying limp in his arms. His eyes

swam with tears. "She's not breathing." he said. "Tell me you can do something for her."

"Lay her down." He did so. "She's gone into convulsions. I'll just open her airway." She

tilted the younger girl's head back. Phantom felt Shadowcat's carteroid artery. "She's got a pulse. I'll give her a few puffs." She pinched her patient's nose shut and breathed into her mouth four times. Nightcrawler took Shadowcat's hand and murmered something in German. Phantom guessed it to be a prayer. "OK, she's breathing now, barely. Help me roll her over." He helped her roll Shadowcat onto her front. Phantom arranged her limbs so that one arm and one leg were perfectly straight and the other arm and leg were bent at right angles. "Recovery position." Phantom explained. "It'll make it easier for her to breathe."

"She-she's so...pale." Nightcrawler's voice was choked.

"She's going into shock. I'll find something to cover her with. Stay with her." He had no

other intentions.

Jean was holding an injured Storm in a sitting position. Flamin' Jane landed nearby. "Omigod, I'm so sorry!" she cried.

"Accidents happen." Storm winced. The front of her costume had been scorched. An angry looking burn covered her abdomen. "I could use some ice, though."

"Great idea." said Phantom. "If you want to peel like a frog on a cheese grater tomorrow.

We need some cold running water and get that spandex off her. Storm, I need your cape. Kitty's

gone into shock."

Storm removed her cape as Jane tore the spandex unitard. Jean used her TK to open a nearby hydrant.

Meanwhile, in the Tank II, Doug and Danny finished mixing their compound. "How can we be

sure it works?" asked Doug. Danny turned to Nibbles, who was gnawing the heart of the lettuce

head, and poured some of the chemical on her. She suddenly shrunk to the size of a normal,

unmutated hamster.

"Say something, Nibbles." said Danny. She only skittered mindlessly on the floor of the van.

"Good, it works." said Doug. "But how do we douse Spanky with it?"

Danny had an idea. "Follow me!" The two boys grabbed the bucketful of compound they made

and ran down the street. They stopped outside FAO Shwartz.

"Danny! This is no time to add to your toy robot collection!" said Doug. Danny ignored him and went inside. He bought two Super Soakers. "Sweet." Doug saw what Danny was getting at.

It wasn't to hard to find Spanky, seeing as how it was perched on the Chrysler Building

doing a perfect impression of King Kong. "OK, smart guy." said Doug. "Just how do we reach him?"

"I can help with that." said Storm from the gutter she was lying near. Her uniform had been torn open, her sports bra lending only a modicum of modesty. Jean was focusing the water onto the burn.

"You can't, Storm." said Jean. "You need to lie still."

"I can still control the winds, Jean. I'll help Danny, you use your TK on the other one."

"My name is Doug!" he protested. "Doug Boothrooooooooooooooyd!" Jean had already lifted him into the air. Danny was blown skywards. As soon as they were in range, they pumped up the Super Soakers and opened fire. Spanky was covered in ooze. It thrashed for a moment and started to shrink.

"Keep at it, Doug!" yelled Danny. "Give him the whole batch!"

As Spanky shrank, it lost its grip on the spire and plummeted to the street below. By the

time it hit the ground, it was only 3 inches long.

Toad quivered at the sight. Not more than 5 feet from him was a big, juicy roach, lying

flat on its back, its legs wiggling enticingly. He shot out his tongue and gulped it down while

everyone shouted a collective "Oh gross!"

"Spanky!" wailed Doug. "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!"

"Todd, you said you weren't gonna do that anymore!" Rogue scolded.

"I-I can't help it!" Toad protested. "I'm weak!"

Shadowcat stirred under Storm's cape. "Ummm...what happened? Am I dead?"

"Nein, Katzchen. You are very much alive." He took her in his arms and squeezed her close

to him. "I was so scared!"

"You were scared?" She hugged him tight. "I was the one being swung hundreds of feet off

the ground by a mutated roach!"

"I love you Kitty!"

"What?"

He let her go. Did he just say that out loud? He knew what was coming and braced himself.

"Go ahead and do it." he sighed.

"Do...what?"

"Go on, I know you want to. If it'll make you feel better."

"Kurt, what are you..."

"Go on, right across the cheek. Just get it over with!" He shut his eyes tight and stealed himself for the slap he knew was coming.

"Well, OK." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. Nightcrawler's eyes popped open.

"I-I wasn't expecting that."

"Were you expecting this?" She pulled him close and gave him a tender kiss on the lips.

"Am I a better kisser than Griselda?"

"Ah, I, uh, kinda made that up. I didn't really want to talk about Tabitha. It wasn't a very good experience."

"So, I'm a better kisser than Tabby?"

"Much better!"

"Am I better kisser than Amanda?"

Kurt needed a moment to think. "I'm not sure. I think I need to kiss you more to find out."

Just then, Kitty felt something skitter across her feet. She gave a little yell and cringed in Kurt's arms. Crawly things were going to make her jumpy for a few days. Kurt saw what it was. It was a little hamster with white and gold-brown fur. He let it crawl into his hand."It's only a hamster, Katzchen." he said gently. "Hey, guess which movie this is." Kurt

set Nibbles on his shoulder, pointed at her and said in The World's Worst Cajun Accent, "I done

tamed me dat mouse!" Kitty laughed.

Jesse came up to them. He took up his pet. "Nibbles?" he asked, looking into her shiny,

beady eyes. He shook his head. "I guess it's better this way."

As they all began cleaning the mess Spanky made, the small brown haired girl that had helped secure the building approached. She was wearing faded jeans, a yellow tank top and a pale green sweatshirt tied around her waist. She carried a duffle bag. "Excuse me," she said in a small, shy voice. "Do any of you know Charles Xavier?"

"He's a dear friend of mine." said Beast. "A friend to all mutants. What's your name, miss?"

"Raianne Michaels." she had a Texas twang in her voice. "I saw Mr. Xavier on TV talking 'bout mutants and how they oughta be treated like human beings. I knew there wasn't no place left for me back in Landover, Texas, so I hitch-hiked my way here."

"Welcome to the team, Miss Michaels." Beast held out a massive blue paw. Raianne shook it.

Rogue and Todd cleared away some debris on 42nd Street. "Hey, uh, Marie." he said. "Do me

a favor? Don't tell nobody 'bout what you saw in my head. I don't want them to start being all

nice to me just 'cuz they feel sorry for me."

"I won't tell, Todd." she promised. This explains so much. She thought. Why he kept himself so filthy for so long, why he gets antsy whenever I get too dominant when we're making out. Why he has trouble trusting anyone. "Todd, I still think you need to see..."

"I'm not seein' anyone Marie." he said flatly. "It hurts just thinkin' about it. I don't

ever want to talk about it."

"Alright, have it your way." she sighed.

"Marie." he said after an uncomfortable silence. "Do you still wanna be my girlfriend? Even knowin' about..."

"Todd, listen. I know you've done a few things in your life that you ain't proud of. But

this is one time that you were completly blameless. It wasn't your fault."

Todd hugged her close. "I've told myself that a thousand times, and never believed it." he whispered. "I needed to hear that from someone else."

Jesse put a street lamp back in its place while Magma wielded it back together. (Jane was

helping Jean replace the billboard for /Mamma Mia!/) Danny and Doug swept away broken glass. "Danny," said Jesse. "I hoped you learned something from this."

Danny looked uncomfortable. "I-I tampered in God's domain. And-and it was wrong. I'm sorry."

"You do realize you're grounded for a week."

"I guess so." Danny sighed.

"And let that be a lesson to you." Jesse went back to cleaning up.

"Oh, Danny." Doug sighed sympatheticly.

When New York was more or less how they found it, the heros returned to Central Park. The

Tank II was up on blocks and the Blackbird was covered in graffiti.

"Who did this?" Logan demanded. "I'll kill the little punk!"

Kurt inspected the graffiti. "You'll have to find someone named 'Crypt' and someone named

'Blood', who apparantly doesn't like Crypt."

"I'll explain it to you later." said Evan. "Right now, we gotta get Aunt Ro back to the

Institute."

"Whoa," said Danny. "That is the single coolest jet I've ever seen!"

"Ja," said Kurt. "And Logan's going to make me repaint it."

Danny turned to Kurt. "Cool! It's Drizzt Do'Urden!"

"Who?"

"Forgotten Realms, R.A Salvatore?" Kurt shook his head. None of the names were ringing any bells. "I'll tell you all about it on the plane."

The X Men let the Formidable Four stay at the X Mansion while the Tank II was being repaired. Danny and Doug volunteered to use their mutagen on the Terror Bears, who had been in suspended animation for the longest time. When they were done, the Terror Bears were no more than 4 roly-poly bear cubs who chased each other playfully. "What do we do with them now?" asked Danny.

"We could release them into the wild." Scott suggested.

Logan shook his head. "Without Mama Bear, these cubs won't last 5 minutes in the wild."

"We can take them to the zoo." was Scott's second suggestion.

"Great." said Daria. "And next week, we'll take them to the movies."

"You do know that joke's older'n I am, right darlin'?" asked Logan.

"Someone had to say it." she shrugged.

As Logan started calling zoos to ask if they'd accept 4 orphaned bear cubs, Daria went down to the library. Beast and Professor Xavier were there, talking and having tea. "Sorry, am I interupting you?" she asked.

"Not at all." said Beast. "I was just telling the professor about you. Have a seat." Daria sat on one of the nuagahyde chairs. "You're a remarkably intelligent young lady, Daria. And you make an excellent field nurse. Ever consider studying medicine?"

"I'd have a terrible bedside manner."

"Well, whatever you choose to do in life, I'm confident you'll succeed. Tea?"

"Yes, thank you." Beast poured her a cup. "I've never tasted this before. What blend is it?"

"My personal favorite." said Xavier. "Earl Grey."

Somehow, that seemed appropriate. "Have you read /Crime and Punishment/, Daria?" asked Beast.

"It's on my 'to read' list."

"You can borrow my coppy." Beast handed her a thick hardback book. "I've finished reading it."

"Thank you, but I'd like to finish reading this Steven King I'm in the middle of. I think he might be a mutant himself. Most of his characters could be classified as mutants. You know what they say, write what you know."

"You have a point." said Beast. "Carrie White, John Coffey, Doc... they all seem to have

mutant abbilities."

Xavier was just giving his opinion on the metaphor behind /Needful Things/ when they heard a ruckus coming from the living room. "I'll go check it out." Daria volunteered.

Kelly and Kitty had been sitting on the couch watching TV as Daria had tea with Beast and

Xavier while their respective pets laid in their laps. Kurt and Jesse returned from a trip to the mall. "Guess who?" asked Kurt, covering Kitty's eyes.

"Hmmm, furry hands. Could only be...Keanu Reeves?"

"Close enough." He sat next to her and gave her a kiss. Jesse took the armchair.

"Oh, Jesse," said Kelly. "The garage called. Your van will be ready this evening."

"Cool."

"We spent the whole night repainting the Blackbird." Kurt sighed.

"Poor baby." said Kitty, hugging him. "What'd you get at the mall?"

"I went to Stable & King and picked up a few books." Kurt took them out of a bag. "Danny

recommended that I read /Homeland/ before any of the Drizzt saga. I also got this Dungeons and

Dragons players handbook. Danny's invited me to join his role playing group."

"You should've seen him when I introduced him to Lockheed." said Kitty. "He said there was nothing in the Monster Manuel about purple dragons. He totally confused me when he asked what alignment he was."

"Plus, Jesse's been teaching me Spanish, and I've taught him a little German."

"Donkey chains." said Jesse.

"Grassy ass." Kurt repled. "I also got /The Complete Idiot's Guide to Astrology/." Kurt

took it out and opened it. "Jesse, what's your sign?"

"Pisces."

Kurt looked it up. "It says here, Pisces are daydreamers."

"Huh?" said Jesse. "I didn't hear you. Must've been daydreaming again."

"It also says they're very gullible."

"If you say so." Jesse shrugged.

"What did you get, Jesse?" asked Kelly, looking at the cardboard box with holes that Jesse had brought with him.

"I got a friend for Nibbles." He opened the box and took out a plump black hamster. "Kurt

suggested I name him Schwartz. I think it's a good name."

Suddenly, Puss leapt from Kelly's lap to Jesse. Schwartz scrambled from Jesse's hand and

fell to the floor, Puss in persuit of what she perceived to be a free meal. "No, Puss!" Kelly

yelled getting to her feet. "Bad cat!" She started chasing Puss while Jesse tried to grab Schwartz. Lockheed, thinking this was a new game, pounced into the chase. Kitty chased after her dragon. Kurt just decided to kick back and read more on Astrology, occasionally lifting his feet or ducking his head to avoid the chase.

Daria came in to see 3 animals and 3 people racing around the living room. Kurt casually

used his tail to save a vase Puss nearly knocked over and turned a page. "What the Hell is going on?" Daria asked.

"Oh, you know," Kurt sighed. "Just another day at the X Mansion. You know, I think I might really be a Gemini after all."

IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:

Remember kids, just say no!

The next chapter is also in progress. Our heros go up against drug dealers. No title yet.

Spanish translations:

Escuchen = listen (When addressing 2 or more people)

Buenos dias = Good day.

Por favor = please

When Kurt says 'grassy ass' at the end, he's trying to say 'gracias'.(Thank you.) Last time I

put him in an FF fic he lamented the sad lack of quality chocolate in the states.

Kar: Hey, Kurt. Cheer up. There's places where you can get Lindt bars stateside. Here, have one.

(Throws Kurt a chocolate/raspberry Lindt bar.)

Kurt: For me? Dankeschoen! Dankeschoen! (Jumps in Kar's arms and peppers his/her face with kisses.)

Hey, Kar, I'm curious. Are you a girl or a guy? It's not important, I'm just curious. And Kurt

doesn't care either, as long as you keep him in chocolate.

I know a little German. (Kurt: Hey, who are you calling little?)

Guten Tag = Good day

Ja = yes

Schwartz = black

Hast du etwas Zeit fuer mich Dann singe ein Lied fuer Dich Von 99 Luftballoons Auf ihrem zum

Horizont = You have a little time for me when I sing a song for you of 99 (airborne)balloons

up over the horizon. Interrestingly, "Lied" can translate as either "song" or "air". Perhaps

this was a pun that didn't translate well? The orriginal version sounds better. The English

lyrics don't have the right rhythm and Nene sounds like Elmer Fudd. (Send the twoops out in a

huwwy.)

When Jesse says 'donkey chains' he's trying to say 'dankeschoen'. (Thank you)

I also think Kurt might have been born under Gemini, adopted under Cancer. He has the dual persona thing. (Kurt Wagner-the cute, semi-normal German teenager/Nightcrawler-the furry blue demon.)The animal best associated with Gemini is the monkey. He has long, graceful arms and likes to chat with other people. What really made me decide he's Gemini was this astrology book I read thatcontained quotes from kids born under different signs. A girl born under Gemini said "SometimesI wish I could snap my fingers and poof, be somewhere else." Yep, that's the 'crawler. Cancers(AKA Moon Children) have an intense love for thier friends and family. He definatly has that, but it seems to be the only Cancer trait he really has.

Happy Thanksgiving!