"Oh no!" said Jane. "No way are we doing this!"
"We have to." said Daria. "It's a law enacted by First Lady Nancy Reagan in '85." Daria read an official looking document. "All television programs aimed at viewers between the ages of 6 and 18 shall have at least one episode confronting the issue of drug abuse. Drug use shall not be glorified or otherwise shown in a positive light. The characters will learn a valuable lesson from the experience as will the young viewers."
"But this isn't a TV show!" Jane protested. "It's a fan fic!"
"Section C, paragraph 2." Daria sighed. "Should said program fail to produce an anti-drug
episode, a fan fiction author will be chosen at random to write one." She looked up. "Tough luck, cygna."
"We covered alcoholism." Jane said.
"Yeah, as the B story in the series finale. Mrs. Reagan specified drug use."
"Can we still use our super powers and beat up monsters?"
"Absofreakinglutly."
JUST SAY NO
The school year started normally in Lawndale. It was a few weeks into the school year that Daria realized something strange was happening. It was the usual morning. Jake read the paper. Helen talked to Eric on her cell. Daria helped herself to OJ and toaster pastries. Quinn came downstairs with a scarf wrapped around her head. Helen noticed her. "Quinn, come and have breakfast."
"Can't. Makesmefat." she said quickly, sprinting out the door.
"Why was she wearing that scarf?" Helen asked.
"Who's wearing a scarf?" Jake asked, finally looking up from his paper.
"Your daughter, dear."
He looked at Daria. "Daria's not wearing a scarf."
Helen sighed. "Your /other/ daughter. You know, the one who /isn't/ desperate to marry out of the family." Daria shot her mother an angry glare. Helen shot back an angrier one. Their
relationship had gotten even more precarious when Daria stood up to her.
Daria walked to Jane's house. Trent's Ford pulled up. Jane and Jesse were in the back. "Need a lift?" asked Trent.
She got in. "Guess what!" said Jane. "Jesse's going to be a grandfather!"
"Excuse me?" Daria replied.
"Schwartz, that new hamster I got," he explained. "Kinda got Nibbles pregnant. This book I got about hamsters says that when the pups are born I gotta keep Schwartz seperate from them. The males sometimes eat the babies."
"What some guys do to get out of paying child support." Trent shook his head.
"Well, my mother still hates me." said Daria. "My Dad is still clueless yet lovable. And my sister is back on the Skip-Breakfast-and-Pass-Out-During-PE Diet. She was also wearing a head scarf for some reason."
"Converting to Islam?" Jane suggested.
"Why not?" Daria shrugged. "I hear femenine oppression is all the rage this season."
"Good one, Daria." laughed Trent.
Jane noticed something peculiar when they got to school. Many of the students had extra appendages. Some had tails, some had horns, some had snouts.
"It's the School of Dr. Moreau." said Daria.
"Oh, yeah," said Jane. "I smell plothook."
Daria noticed her sister whispering and giggling with the fashion club. Tiffany had a long tail and was covered in short tawny fur with brown spots. She had streaks under her eyes like a cheetah. Stacy had antlers like an antelope and had several sparkly baubles hanging off the prongs. Brooke had grown an extra set of arms and was using them to her advantage; brushing her hair and putting on make-up at the same time. Quinn removed her scarf to reveal a pair of long, pointed ears that she could move independantly.
"Kurt would love it here." said Jane. "He'd fit right in."
"Hi Daria! Hi Jane!" Brittany squeeked. "Look what I got!" She also had a pair of long ears. Hers were slender and covered in short white fur, like a rabbit's.
"OK, joke's over." Jane tried to tug one of the ears off.
"Ow! Don't do that!" Brittany whined.
"That's some strong adhesive you got there." said Jane.
"I didn't use anything adversive." said Brittany. "These are mine, for real! And look! I got a cute powder-puff tail to match!" She turned around and lifted up her skirt.
"Brittany," Daria sighed. "The last thing I ever want to see is your ass, powder-puff tail or not."
"Hey, babe!" said Kevin, dragging himself down the hall on hairy gorilla-like arms. "Check me out!"
"Ooh, Kevvie! Your muscles are so big and ripply!" She embraced him.
"Hey, Diane Fossey," said Daria. "Care to explain what's going on?"
"Shyeah, like she'd explain anything to a couple of norms like you." said Kevin.
"You can't even get my name right! It's Brit-ta-ny. Not Diane Falsie or whatever."
"Later, losers." The two walked away.
"Kevin isn't usually that rude." said Jane.
"Come, Lane." said Daria. "The game's afoot." The bell rang. "We'll check up on it after English."
"Wonder who the substitute will be this time?" Jane wondered as they sat in class. Since Mr. O'Niel had been institutionalized for aiding and abbetting Man-Hater, they had a string of substitutes for English.
The new teacher was tall, craggy, with salt and pepper hair and patch over his left eye. "Listen up, kids." he said in a no nonsense voice. "Since your regular teacher is up in the funny farm, I'm gonna be your teacher for a while." He wrote his name on the board. "My name is Mr. Fury. You call me either that or sir. Do I make myself clear?"
"Mr. Furry." said Brittany. "How did you lose your eye?"
"That's Fury. And none of your damn business! Now, open your books to page 36. We're gonna read about Walt Whitman."
"Ooh, I just love his chocolate samplers!" squealed Brittany.
Mr. Fury pulled Brittany to a standing position by pulling on one of her rabbit ears. "Listen good, girly. You open your mouth one more time and I'll be wearing your foot on my keychain. Do we have an understanding?"
"Yes sir." she said meekly.
Mr. Fury dropped Brittany back in her seat and went up to the board where he wrote notes on /Leaves of Grass/. I think I'm gonna like this guy. thought Daria.
After English, Daria slipped up on the Fashion Club. "So, anyway," Quinn was saying. "I'm thinking of going back tonight. See if he has anything that will get me a tail, preferably a long fluffy one like a fox."
"Hey, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or whatever?" For once, Tiffany's speech wasn't nauseatingly slow.
"Go /away/, Daria." Quinn huffed.
"I just want to know where you're going back to tonight." she said. "And who's giving you the tail?"
"Don't you know it's, like, rude to listen in on people's conversations?" Brooke folded one pair of arms and let the other pair of arms rest on her hips.
"Yeah," said Stacy. "And why should we tell a norm like you anything?"
"Sorry, Daria." said Quinn. "You have to earn your tail if you wanna be cool like us."
Over lunch, Daria and Jane discussed the clues they pieced together. "OK," said Daria. "Quinn's exact words were 'See if he has anything that will get me a tail.' I'm guessing that means everyone is taking something that causes them to mutate."
"I've noticed that everyone seems a bit closed mouthed about the whole thing." said Jane.
Jodi sat with them, looking sad, but unmutated. "Hey, guys." she said.
"What's wrong, Jodi?" asked Jane.
"Mac just told me I'm not 'cool' just because I don't have fur or a tail like everyone else." Mac was sitting at a table with some other football players. He sported a spiky tail like a stegosaurus. Jodi picked at her food. "He's never been like this before."
"That's another thing I've noticed." said Daria. "Whatever they're taking to give them these mutations is also giving them an attitude."
"Hey guys." said Mima, sitting with them. "The three of you are practically the only ones who don't have any extra body parts."
"What do you make of this, Mima?" asked Jodi.
Mima looked around to make sure no one was listening. "OK, it's like this. You see that guy with the spines on his head? His name's Peter. He's in my biology class. I went out with him last weekend. He offered me some little red pills. I told him on no uncertain terms that my parents would have my ass on a platter if I took drugs. Then he took off his hat and showed me the spines. I freaked out and ran. Sorry that I can't give you more info."
"Lane, Morgendorfer." They turned to see Mr. Fury. "I want to have a word with the two of you. Alone."
They went with him into the English classroom. Mr. Fury closed the door. If he tries anything funny, thought Jane, he's getting a fireball up the ass.
"So, Phantom and Flamin' Jane." he said. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."
"You're not a real teacher, are you." Daria made a statement, not a question.
Mr. Fury smiled. "You're quick, Phantom. Quicker than any of the morons who attend this school. I'll cut to the chase. The drug is called ReNew. It's being sold under the highway a couple blocks east of here."
"How do you know this, and why are you telling us?" asked Jane.
"That ain't important." said Mr. Fury. "But this is. You didn't hear it from me. Do we have an understanding?"
"If we don't," said Daria. "you'll wear our feet on your keychain."
"Get out." He opened the door.
After school, Daria and Jane waited in the parking lot to be picked up by their boyfriends, eager to tell them what was happening. They saw Danny standing by the bike rack, looking too depressed to move.
"Hey, future brother-in-law." said Jane. "What's wrong? Computer system crash?"
"My best friend Artie won't talk to me." he said saddly. "He says I'm not cool like he is. He now has Vulcan ears and antennae like an Andorran. Not fake ones either."
"Wow." said Daria. "Next thing you know, he'll want a tail like a Talaxian."
"Talaxians don't have tails." said Danny.
"Geek test!" said Daria. Danny shook his head and unlocked his bicycle.
"There's no way I'm gonna get a girlfriend now." he lamented. "For some strange reason everyone now thinks deformities are cool. I'm an even bigger loser than I was before."
"You're not a loser, Danny." said Jane. "And not all girls are on the freak wagon. Daria and yours truly for example."
"You're engaged." Danny pointed out.
"There's Jodi Landon." Jane added.
"Has a boyfriend."
"They're on the outs right now." said Daria. "And Mima isn't seeing anyone."
"Jodi and Mima are both older than me." Danny tucked the chain in his book bag. "Girls usually don't like guys to be younger than them."
"Isn't Iggy Tyler your age?" Jane suggested.
"Yeah, but she's not exactly girlfriend material."
"How so?" asked Daria.
"Well, she's a good friend, really smart, hell of a roll player, but just not what I'd call a girlfriend."
"Because she's non-threatening?" said Jane.
"Non-threatening, plug-ugly." shrugged Daria. "Means the same thing to a guy."
"That's not what I meant!" said Danny. "I meant...ah, hell, I don't know what I mean."
Trent's Ford soon drove up. "Hey, Danny," said Jesse. "Wanna ride home with us?"
"Nah," Danny sighed. "I know you guys like to be, you know, couples."
"Actually," said Daria. "We might need Danny. Formidable Four business."
"In that case," said Danny. "Just give me a couple of minutes to disassemble my bike." He took out his trusty screwdriver and started taking the bike apart.
"What adventure are we up for this time?" Trent asked as Jesse put bicycle parts in the trunk. "Giant rats taking over the school?"
"Everyone in school is willingly turning themselves into walking freak shows." They all got in the car. "It's a drug being sold under the highway called ReNew. We suspect it may be mind altering as well as body altering. I believe what we should do is go down to the highway tonight, secure a sample and have Danny here analize it."
"Uh, no can do." said Danny.
"Why?" asked Daria. "You do chemistry."
"My forte is electronics and gadgeteering. I only dabble in chemistry."
Jane slapped her forehead. "Danny, you 'dabble' in watercolors. You 'dabble' in poetry. You do not 'dabble' in chemistry!"
"My Aunt Amy's a chemist." said Daria. "She'd probably help us."
Daria borrowed Trent's cell phone. "Hello." Aunt Amy answered.
"Aunt Amy, it's me, Daria."
"Hey, how's my favorite niece?"
"Um, Aunt Amy, the Formidable Four needs your help. Some people are selling drugs to the students and we need someone who can analize a sample of the drug. How soon can you get here?"
"I'll leave as soon as I hang up the phone."
"Really?"
"I just got back from a business trip in Bangor. The phone rang as soon as I got in the house. I'm still packed. I can drive to Lawndale in a little over an hour."
"Great. See you then."
Trent and Daria met Amy outside the Morgendorfer house. "So, you're Daria's fiance." she said when she met Trent. "She's told me all about you. You know, you're a lot better looking when you're not a walking popsicle."
They shook hands. "I wasn't a walking popscicle, Miss Barksdale. I was so frozen I couldn't walk. Had to have Jesse carry me around for awhile."
"Please, call me Amy. And let's try to put the whole Slashers business behind us."
They got in the car. "Jesse's brother Danny has a lab set up in their garage."
"What form is the drug in?" asked Amy.
"Mima said it was little red pills." said Daria.
They were greeted at the Moreno house by Luis, who was just leaving. "Are you going to blow up my house?" he asked Amy.
"Do you want us to?" she replied.
"My house has taken much damage latly. First, my older son tears up the stairs with a chainsaw to keep zombies from getting at me and a little girl. Then a cucacaracha grande tears holes in my doors! My sons, I love them, but they are loco. Well, I must be leaving. Adios."
"You guys have been busy." Amy remarked.
Daria reintroduced Amy to Jane and Jesse. "Nice to know you when we're not running for our lives." said Jane.
"Where's Danny?" said Amy. "I'd like him to show me his lab."
"He's in his room." said Jesse. "I'll get him."
Jesse knocked on Danny's door. "What?" he answered surily.
Jesse cracked open the door. "Danny? Miss Barksdale's here. She wants you to show her the lab equipment."
"You show her." Danny hadn't budged from the bed he was reclining on.
"Danny, you know I don't understand any of that stuff you got put together." He sat on the edge of Danny's bed. Danny's room had walls of shelves loaded with his toy robot collection and several role playing and fantasy books. "What's wrong, really?"
"I can't face her. Jesse, that woman and I were captives together. She-she saw me cry!" Danny blushed at the admission. He let no one see him cry, not even Jesse.
"So?" Jesse shrugged. "I had a nervous breakdown on international TV. C'mon, She really wants to meet you."
Danny reluctantly came down. "H-hi, Miss Barksdale." he said nervously.
"Hello, Danny." said Amy. "And I told you, you can call me Amy. Now, why don't you show me your lab?"
He showed her the garage. "It's not much." he admitted. "I kinda havta scrounge for parts. You've probably got a big fancy one at DuPont."
"Yes, Danny." said Amy. "A big fancy laboratory with big fancy technitions always under foot." She looked at the assorted lab tools. "Yes, this will suffice for a simple analysis. All I need is a sample."
"We'll get that tonight." said Daria. "Under the highway, after dark."
"You be careful, OK?" said Amy.
"Anyone for pizza?" asked Trent, taking out his cell phone.
They left for the highway at dusk. They saw two vans parked under the overpass near the warehouse district. Some strange looking characters were milling about. The Formidable Four watched from Trent's car. "I'll go first." said Daria, going invisible. She walked right up to the scene of the crime. She halted dead in her tracks when she heard her sister's voice.
"So, this stuff will make me grow a tail, right?" she was saying.
"Look, doll," the dealer was saying. "I don't make no guarantees. Ya takes your chances."
"Whatever." Quinn sighed. "Here's your two-hundred."
"Uh-uh, doll." said the dealer. "Price went up to two-fifty."
"What! It was just two-hundred last time!"
"Supply and demand, doll, supply and demand! However, I'm willin' to negotiate with a pretty thing like you. Tail for a tail. How's that sound?"
Daria gave the dealer a slap kick to the kidneys. He went down. "Quinn, run!" Daria shouted.
"Daria! Is that you?" she asked.
"No, it's Casper the Friendly Ghost." The dealer moved to get up. Daria kicked him in the jaw. "Go home, Quinn!"
"Why?" Quinn demanded. "You affraid I might become cooler than you?"
"Now is neither the time nor the place." The dealer's goons had been alerted and an invisible Daria had to fight them off. "Go home."
"NO!" Quinn said defiantly. "Ever since you became a super hero everything's been about you! You're just holding me back!" A ball of fire exploded just a few feet from Quinn.
"Go HOME Quinn!" Jane ordered as she hovered in the air.
Quinn ran away. "What the fuck is that?!" One of the goons shouted, pointing at Jane.
"I don't know, homes," said another goon. "But I bet it ain't bullet proof!" He whipped out a pistol and fired twice at Jane. She conjured a sheet of fire to melt the bullets before they got to her. The two goons soon found themselves bound up in a pair of super flexible arms.
"I don't like it when people try to shoot my sister." Trent said calmly.
Jesse snatched the pistol away from the second goon. "Today is not a good day to be a bad guy." he said as he tore the gun apart like a cheap toy.
"D-don't hurt me mister." stammered the first goon, as Jesse searched him for weapons. Jesse found a knife on him, which he broke in two.
"Yeah," said the other one. "Don't waste time on small-time hoods like us. Go after him!" He nodded towards the dealer. "He's the one you want!"
"Thanks." said Trent. "You know what to do, Jess." Jesse knocked the two goons heads together, just hard enough to knock them out for awhile. "Is is just me or did they sound like a couple of coconuts being knocked together?" A bullet bounced off Trent's rubbery skin, leaving a hole in his shirt. He turned to the goon that fired on him. "The one day I wear something clean..." he said, thoroughly annoyed. He turned to the shocked goon. He kept firing at Trent, only to see bullets bounce off him as his arms stretched for him. He soon ran out of bullets. He dropped the gun as Trent grabbed him. "Jesse, the Vulcan nerve pinch if you will."
Jesse squeezed at the base of the goon's neck, decommisioning him.
There was a fourth goon, but Jane had him trapped by several rings of fire. Daria trapped the dealer in a force field. The dealer banged at the walls of the force field. He whipped out a pistol. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Daria said, becoming visible. The dealer fired at her, the bullet merely ricocheted off the invisible wall, nicking his arm. "I warned you."
Jane landed near the trapped dealer. "You're gonna run out of air pretty soon." she said.
"Or," said Daria. "I can make the bubble smaller untill it crushes him."
"Ladies, ladies!" the dealer said nervously. "Let's talk this over!"
"We want a sample of the drug." said Jane.
"Drug? What drug?"
"The drug you tried to get my sister to prostitute herself for!" said Daria.
"Yeah, sure, you can have the drug, take all of it! Just, just lemme go."
"Drop the gun." said Jane.
The dealer dropped the gun. Daria nodded her head, signaling to Jane that the force field was gone. Jane threw a bolt of flame at the gun, melting it into a useless lump of iron. The dealer tried to make a run for it. Daria put an invisible wall in his way.
"You're not leaving untill you answer a few questions!" said Daria.
"I'm thinking torch to the groin." said Jane, conjuring a fireball in her hand.
The dealer threw a packet of red pills at them. "Take 'em!" he said. "Go away!"
Daria took up the packet. "Who is your supplier?" she asked.
"Up yours, doll!"
Jane brought a fireball dangerously close to the dealer's groin. "Who, is, your, supplier?" she said slowly.
"She'll kill me!"
"And that's preferable to a life with no genitalia?" asked Daria. "Now, who is your supplier?"
"She calls herself The Duchess, that's all I know!"
"Where can we find The Duchess?" asked Jane.
"Go to Wonderland, ask for Alice." Jane threatened him with a fireball.
"Where can we find The Duchess?" asked Daria.
"The Duchess goes wherever she wants. How should I know where she is?"
"For the last time," Jane's flames singed the dealer's slacks. "Where is The Duchess?"
"I meet her at the Zen Club. She'll be there tomorrow night. Now let me go!"
"Take over, Jess." said Jane, retracting the fireball. Jesse knocked the dealer out. They approached the goon trapped by the fire rings, surrounding him. Jane removed the flames. "You saw everything, didn't you?" she asked.
The goon nodded. "You're gonna tell the police what you saw tonight, right?" asked Daria.
"Who-who are you?" he asked.
"We are the Formidable Four." said Trent. "And you should really rethink your life."
"This might sting a little." Jesse said, knocking the goon out.
Trent took out his cell and called the police. "Yeah, Sarge, Sir Stretchalot again... Dude, when do we /ever/ need back up? I need your boys to come over to the overpass in the warehouse district and clean house as it were...Five of them. All KOed for your convienence. Hercules is searching them for weapons as I speak...No problem. Later, dude."
Danny stared at the floor with his shoulders hunched as Amy examined the sample through his microscope. He was trying not to have flashbacks to his captivity in Japan. He thought he had put that behind him. /"Let him go!"/ Amy had said to the guards. /"Can't you see he's scared? He's just a kid!"/ Just a kid. On some level Danny knew Amy had meant well, but those words still hurt.
Amy crushed the pill to powder and examined it further. She mixed it with other chemicals and observed the effects.
"Ever notice," said Jane. "that bad guys always need to be questioned 3 times before they give you any information?"
"Wonder why that is?" mused Daria.
"What do you find, Amy?" asked Trent.
Amy shook her head. "I need a purer sample if we're going to find a cure. It seems street level ReNew is cut down so that it creates only one mutant out of a thousand. The rest will only acchieve strange appendages. Tails, antennae, extra arms and the like."
"Tiffany." said Jane. "She was all muted out. Fur, ears, tail, super speed...well, super speed for her, anyway."
"The chemicals used to make this drug," Amy continued. "are derived from an artificial component of the X gene. I strongly advise the four of you not to take the drug yourselves. It could be detrimental, perhaps even fatal to a mutant. All the more reason, Daria, for you to make sure Quinn doesn't take another dose."
"Why?" asked Daria. "She's not a mutant."
"No, but as your sister it is possible that she carries the X gene, even if she never mannifests. At least, that's what Professor Xavier wrote in an article posted in /Modern Science/ magazine."
"Miss Amy," said Danny. "Jesse's my brother. Does that mean I have the X gene?"
"It is possible." said Amy. "But, unless you really want to take your chances with radioactive nuclear waste, you may never manifest. However, should you choose to have children someday, they may become mutants."
"Assuming I ever get a girlfriend." Danny said morosly.
"You will be married before you start having kids." Jesse said a bit sternly.
"Yes, Daddy." Danny teased.
"The supplier calls herself The Duchess." said Daria. "She'll be at the Zen tomorrow night."
"We'll be there." said Trent.
"Good." said Amy. "Danny, would you help me put the equipment away? And I need to know the where to find a descent motel."
"You can stay at our house, Aunt Amy." said Daria.
"Thank you, Daria, but I really don't want to deal with my sister just now."
"Hey, I have to deal with her every day." Daria shrugged. "She's angry that I'm going to marry Trent after graduation and move to New York. She's also mad that I got seven million dollars from saving you on /Slashers/ even though I did the smart thing and put it in the bank for college."
"Helen is a control freak." said Amy. "You have more money than she's ever dreamed of and thus, near complete control of your own life. Check that, you turned 18 last August giving you /complete/ control of your life. Honey, you can do anything but buy liquor and you can take a road trip to Canada if you really want to do that."
"Well," said Jane. "I know what we're doing for my birthday!"
"Daria," said Trent. "If things get too bad at home, you can always move in with me and Janey. Mom and Dad love you and the Formidable Four is going to move into a townhouse anyway."
"Thanks." said Daria. "But I think I can tough it out. After all, I've got less than a year to continue making Quinn's life a living Hell. Might as well make the best of it."
The next day the Formidable Four made some large withdrawels from their bank accounts, just in case they needed to make a buy. At dusk they parked in the lot across the street from the Zen. An SUV with smoked mirrors was parked by the street. Six people of various mutations were huddled about it. A red haired boy with antenae and pointed ears approached the biggest one. "Arthur McAllister." said Daria to her friends. "AKA 'Artie'."
"I know him." said Jesse. "He's in Danny's role playing group. Can't believe he's into drugs." They got close enough to hear them.
"Hi! I'm Artie!"
"Ask me if I give a shit." said the scaly dealer.
"Do you have anything that will give me a Klingon forehead?" Artie asked. "Or at least spots like a Trill?"
"Man, what the fuck is a Trill?" Asked a girl with a snout and whiskers like a rat.
"A symbiotic lifeform." Artie tutted. "Don't you watch /Deep Space Nine/?"
"Look, junior," said the dealer. "ReNew gives ya what it's gonna give ya. Ya don't get to pick and choose. Now, you gonna cough up two hunnert dollars or are ya just wastin' my time?"
"Go home, Artie." said Jesse.
"Who the fuck is this asshole?" asked a three eyed punk with six inch talons on his hands.
"They call me Hercules." Jesse said calmly.
A muscle-bound thug with a snout like a rhino, complete with horn, charged at Jesse. Jesse grabbed the horn, stopping Rhino-boy in his tracks and flipped him over his shoulder. Rat-girl shrieked and ran at him. Jesse grabbed her, picked her up and held her at arm's length. "You know," he said. "I really don't like fighting girls."
"I don't have a problem with it." Daria said, drop kicking Rat-girl. Rat-girl hissed and bared her razor sharp inscisors. "Hey, Minnie," Daria quipped. "Do you brush those teeth or do you sandblast
them?" Rat-girl lunged at her. Daria hit her with an inviso-shield.
Artie stood by and watched the free for all that insued as the theme music played. A fiesty female feline leaped onto Jesse's back and sank her fangs into his neck. "That's /my/ job, bitch!" Jane screamed, shooting a jet of flame close enough to singe the mutated girl's fur. Trent was squared off against the scale covered dealer. He gave as good as he got. The taloned punk tried to claw Trent. His rubbery skin turned them aside and Trent gave him an elbow to the face. Jesse grappled with Rhino-face. A punk with tusks growing out of his mouth charged at him. Jesse picked up Rhino face and slammed him against the tusked mutant. Daria found Cat-girl more of a challenge than she thought. Her reflexes were lightening quick and her claws were like needles. Daria trapped her in an invisible bubble. Cat-girl yowled as she banged on the sides of her prison. Rat-girl gave out a shrieking squeal as Jane trapped her in her fire rings. Scales and Talon tried to run away, but Trent stretched out his arms and captured them. Rhino-face and Tusks jumped in the SUV and tried to drive away. Tusk stamped down on the accelerator, but found he wasn't moving at all. He looked in the rearview mirror. Jesse had grabbed the SUV by the back bumper and had lifted the rear axel off the ground. He hefted the whole vehicle up over his head.
The thugs captured, it was time for interigation. "Where is the Duchess?" Trent asked Scales, giving his neck a bit of a squeeze.
"In the Zen." gasped Scales.
"We thought as much." said Daria. "What does she look like?"
"You'll know her when you see her." said Talon. "She's got horns and a trunk like an elephant. Now will you let us go?"
"Nah," said Trent. "Think we'll let Lawndale's finest deal with you. Daria, you what to do." He let them go and Daria trapped them in invisible bubbles. Trent took out his cell and called Captain Granger.
"Can I put this down now?" asked Jesse, still holding up the SUV.
"Getting heavy for you?" asked Jane.
"Nah. But their transmission's got a leak and I'm getting fluid all over me."
Daria trapped the thugs in invisible bubbles and left them for the police. The Formidable Four entered the Zen. Loud music was coming from the stage. The band was made up of four severly mutated musicians. "The lead singer of that band makes Sy Snootles look like Madonna." Jesse commented.
"Who's Sy Snootles?" asked Daria.
"Lead singer for the Max Rebo band from /Star Wars/."
"Geek test!" said Daria.
"I saw it in one of Danny's role-playing books." Jesse shrugged.
"That's her." Trent pointed to a shady corner of the Zen. "That's the Duchess." The Duchess was seated at a booth in a dark corner. She was ill lit, but her horns and trunk were all obvious. She was surrounded by a harem of slightly mutated males.
They approached her. As they got closer, they could see that the Duchess was dripping in glittering gold and sparkling diamonds. "You're the Duchess, right." said Daria.
"Who wants to know?" asked the Duchess in a husky, superior tone of voice.
"We just wanna know where Her Ladyship is getting this stuff." Jane said, pulling up a chair. "ReNew, I believe it's called."
"And /why/ would I tell /you/?" Daria was sure this voice was familiar, if only she could place it.
"Maybe we want a cut of the action." said Trent, taking a chair.
"Maybe," Jesse said, squeezing in between the Duchess and a harem boy with green hair and feathers. "you've got room for another guy?"
"Well," The Duchess trailed her fingers over Jesse's bicep. "I do like them big, strong and handsome." She teased his face with her trunk. Jane valiantly fought the urge to turn the Duchess into a crepe suzette. He's only pretending. She reminded herself. He's just trying to seduce info out of her.
"Yeah," said Jesse, resisting the urge to push the creepy trunk away from him. "But, to be one of your boys, I'm gonna need some ReNew. The good stuff. I was thinking of maybe a tail...prehensile of course."
"Well, apparantly the strong man knows some big words." the Duchess teased.
Daria recognized the voice. She pulled the lamp closer to see who the Duchess really was. She had horns growing from her temples and a trunk where her nose once was, but she recognized the superior visage and overdone nut brown hair. Sandi had returned.
Daria was affraid Sandi would recognize her. Fortunatly, she seemed enrapt with Jesse.
"I could teach you some other big words." Jesse said, stroking the Duchess' hand flirtatiously. "Maybe you could teach me a few things." Daria noticed Jane's hands were glowing bright red. She gave her friend a kick under the table.
"Well, I think it's time for class, then." said the Duchess. "I'll take you to where the good stuff is, get you that tail, and then, perhaps, see what kind of fun we can have afterwards. Alright, boys, take the night off. I'm breakin' in a new one." The harem gave mous and pouts, but obeyed. The Duchess noticed the other three. "Why are /you/ still here?" she demanded.
"Hey, we know when we're not wanted." said Trent, getting up. "Let's go, girls." They moved away, watching Jesse and the Duchess leave together.
"I'll follow him." said Daria.
"The Hell you will!" said Jane. "I'll follow them!"
"Jane, I can go invisible, remember?" Daria went invisible.
"We won't be far behind." said Trent. "When you need us, we'll be there."
Daria caught up with Sandi and Jesse. She grabbed Jesse's hand and gave it a squeeze. "It's me." she whispered. Jesse nodded his head once to show he understood.
A candy apple red convertable was parked outside. Daria clambered in the backseat and gave Jesse's shoulder a squeeze to let him know she was there. Sandi got in the driver's seat. As she drove she went into a long boring talk about herself. Jesse responded with "Yeah" and "Cool" when appropriate, playing up the himbo role that was expected of him. All the while he kept glancing at the rearview mirror. Trent's Ford was trailing them. He hoped the Duchess wouldn't spot them.
They got out at a toxic waste plant. Mutated guards were milling about. They let the Duchess and her "friend" pass by without question. Daria followed invisibly.
Once inside they met a heavy set man with no mutations. "Hello, Duchess." he said. "Looks like you picked up a new boy toy. A norm, this time."
"That's why I'm taking him to see Dr. Felix, Boss." she said.
"You know, Duchess," said Boss. "It has come to my attention that some of the Lawndale students aren't on ReNew yet."
The Duchess shrugged. "I can't help it if some geeks decide they'd rather not be cool."
"Ah, yes," said the boss. "Squeeky clean types who would rather spend Friday night with a book than 'rolling with the crew' and looking for a score. I know what you mean, and I have just the thing." Boss took a strange looking gun out of his jacket. "This is a dart gun. It's been loaded with six darts of ReNew. You see a norm, you shoot 'em, they mutate, they're hooked on the drug." The Duchess took the gun and pocketed it. "Wanna try it on your little friend?"
"I'm going to have Dr. Felix customize something for him. A prehensive tail, perhaps."
Boss sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you mean prehensile. That means it can be used to hold things, like a monkey's."
"I-I knew that." the Duchess sputtered.
"I'll be off then." Boss eyed Jesse and smiled. "Don't break him on your first try, now."
The Duchess led Jesse across an iron grated catwalk. Jesse's nose wrinkled at the stench of chemicals and sludge being kept in vats below them. Daria had to cover her mouth and nose. "Sorry about the mess, dear." said the Duchess. "After your appointment with Dr. Felix, I promise to take you somewhere more romantic."
She took Jesse inside a blue tiled lobby. She opened a door to a laboratory. There, in a white lab coat was a small balding man. "Dr. Felix," said the Duchess. "I have a custom job for you."
"Such a perfect speciman." Dr. Felix commented, rubbing his long thin hands together. "Would you like him mutated now or can it wait for the pills to be formed?"
"Now, of course!"
"You do realize the pure form of ReNew must be injected."
"Hey, not a problem." said Jesse, hoping neither of them realized he was screaming on the inside.
"He wants a prehensile tail, doesn't he?" the Duchess said, toying with Jesse's hair.
"Splendid." said Felix. He unlocked a cupboard and took out a case of vials of clear liquid. "I know I have some essence of spider monkey around here somewhere. That may make him grow fur and lengthen his arms a bit. Will that be a problem?"
"Not at all." she said.
As Felix went to look for his essence of spider monkey, Daria eyed the vials of ReNew. She grabbed Jesse's shoulder and stood on tiptoe so she could whisper in his ear. "Distract her. I'll grab the ReNew."
"Um, Duchess?" said Jesse.
"What is it?" Jesse lifted up her trunk and kissed her full on the mouth. Meanwhile, Daria lifted one of the vials and hid it in her jacket pocket. She elbowed Jesse to let him know the job was done.
Meanwhile, Trent and Jane were on the roof spying on the scene through a skylight. "I'mgonnakillher,I'mgonnakillher,I'mgonnakillher..." murmered Jane as she watched the Duchess smooch with her fiance.
"Cool it, Janey." said Trent. He watched one of the vials lift itself out of the case and disappear. Daria had it. Now to get her and Jesse out of there.
"Well," said the Duchess. "Aren't we frisky?"
"Here it is," said Felix, returning with a vial and some test tubes. "Essence of spider monkey. Won't take a minute to whip this up."
He put on a pair of goggles and took one of the ReNew vials.
"Um, Duchess," said Jesse. "I'm having second thoughts."
"Darling, a boy as cute as you shouldn't have to think." the Duchess said teasingly.
"But, it's just..."
Her trunk laid against his lips. "Shh, don't worry your pretty little head."
"Here we go." said Felix, tapping the air bubbles out of the hypodermic. "Duchess, be a dear and grab that bottle of rubbing alcohol, would you? And one of the cotton balls in the box next to it."
Daria slap kicked the hypo out of Felix's hand. Flamin' Jane and Sir Stretchalot smashed through the skylight.
"Run for it, Daria!" Trent shouted. The sound of Daria's Doc Martins slamming against linnoleum filled the air.
"Quinn's cousin was here!?" shrieked the Duchess.
"Sister, actually." said Jane.
"I-I'm innocent!" said Felix. "She-she threatened my life if I didn't go along with her!"
Jesse tore some metal piping off the wall. "Tell it to the judge." he said, twisting the pipe into make-shift handcuffs. Felix put up no resistance.
"You were with them?" said the Duchess. "Well, it doesn't matter." She hit a button hidden under a table. A door slid open. Three reptillian mutants walked in. "Sharkface, Slasher, Whiplash, you know what to do with them."
"Great, another fight scene." said Jane.
"Jess, you go after the Duchess." said Trent. "Janey and I can take these guys out."
"On it." Jesse chased after the Duchess. Whiplash tried to stop him. Jesse grabbed the tail that was coming at thim and swung the reptile across the room.
He chased the Duchess out to the blue tiled lobby. "Not as dumb as you pretend to be, are you?" she asked.
"I'm smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut." he replied.
"Shall we dance?" She swung at him with the trunk. He dodged. She punched, he blocked.
"I don't like to fight with ladies." he said. "But you are no lady." He took a swing. She used her trunk to block and jumped back. She lowered her head and charged at him. He spun about, dodging her. She turned and careened towards him, horns at ready. She got very close, but he still managed to spin out of her way.
"You are as agile as you are strong." she commented.
"Spent a couple summers in Madrid." he shrugged. "Learned a few things."
The Duchess grinned. She burst through the door leading to the plant. Jesse followed her. The iron catwalked clanged as he persued her across it. Then she stopped short and turned, aiming the dart gun at Jesse. "Did you forget I had this?" she asked.
Jane and Trent made short work of the reptiles. Jane inflicted a heavy burn on Sharkface. Whiplash had been knocked out by Jesse. Slasher's claws were turned by Trent's rubber skin. Trent grabbed a flask and threw it at Slasher. It turned out to be a highly corrosive acid. "I'll call Granger." said Trent, taking out his ever-present cell phone.
"I'll check on Jesse." Jane left the lab. No one in the lobby. She went into the plant, the smell of harsh chemicals burning her nose. She saw them on the catwalk. The Duchess was holding Jesse at gunpoint.
"Story of my fucking life, you know." the Duchess was saying. "People always using me, saying what they think I want to hear."
"Shall I get out the violins?" asked Jesse.
"You shouldn't be so flippant with someone who has a dart gun pointed at you!" Jane's heart was in her throat as she heard Sandi's words. "You'll either fall into that vat of sludge beneath us after you're shot, or spend your life addicted to ReNew. All the same to me."
An orange-red blur sped infront of Jesse as the Duchess fired. Jane fell upon the iron grating, a dart embedded in her neck.
"NO!!!" Jesse shouted.
"Idiot girl!" shouted the Duchess as the chemicals below bubbled and sulpheric smoke filled the room. "Doesn't she know the slightest spark could set this place ablaze!" Jesse ignored her and took Jane's lifeless body in his arms. Trent came out on the platform. The Duchess fired on him. He used his stretch powers to dodge. Jesse barreled down the catwalk, knocking the Duchess over into a vat of sludge.
"TRENT, RUN!!!" He shouted, carrying Jane. The two of them ran out of the toxic waste plant, just barely jumping out of the blast zone just as the whole building exploded in flame.
"Ever notice," Trent panted. "That when good guys run out of a burning building, they always get out just before the whole thing explodes?"
Jesse didn't say "Wonder why that is?" as Trent expected. He tried to revive Jane. "Janey? Janey, it's me Jesse. Please wake up." he begged as he removed the dart from her neck.
"What happened to her?" Trent was at her side.
Jesse bit back tears. "She shot her, Trent. Shot her with a dart full of ReNew." A shot meant for me.
"Get her in the car. We'll take her home."
Trent burned rubber getting onto the road. Almost as an afterthought, he called the fire department.
"Janey," Jesse whispered to her as she lay across his lap in the backseat. "Those things I said at the Zen, I didn't mean them. I hope you know that." He gave up fighting the tears. "I love you. You're the only one I want to be with, ever. Please, if you love me, come back to me."
"Jesse..." she hoarsly whispered.
"Shh, don't try to talk."
"Cold... so cold." She was shivvering.
"I'll keep you warm." he promised, holding her as close as he dared without hurting her.
Daria had hailed a cab to take her back to the Moreno house. Amy was more than pleased with the sample she brought back. The phone rang. "Daria," said Danny. "It's Trent." She took the phone.
"Trent?"
"Daria, did you get the ReNew back to your aunt?"
"Yeah, she's working on an antidote right now."
"Tell her to put a rush on it. Janey's been hit."
"What!?" No, not Jane.
"I'm in the car now, en route, pedal to the metal. See you in a few."
"Yeah, see you." Daria hung up, fighting the urge to cry. Don't be stupid. she told herself. Did you think you were just playing Cops N Robbers? You knew it wouldn't be long before someone got hurt.
Jesse laid Jane down on the couch. She let her head rest in his lap and murmered to her. Daria and Trent held each other. Danny flopped into an armchair. Jane's skin was pale and clammy. She broke into a sweat and babbled nonsense. Daria grabbed an afghan and covered her. She returned to Trent's arms. Was it to comfort him or to be comforted? She didn't know. The radio blared news about the Lawndale Fire Department bringing a blazing toxic waste plant under control.
"Alright," Amy emerged from the garage. "I've made an antidote that can be taken orally. Open her mouth."
Jesse parted Jane's ruby lips. Amy let drops of blue liquid fall in Jane's mouth and massaged her throat.
"Now what?" asked Jesse.
"Now, we wait." said Amy. "This could take a while. Up to 24 hours."
Jesse took Jane into his arms. "I'll take her to my room. She'll be more comfortable in a bed."
Jesse took Jane into his room and put her in his bed. He made sure she was tucked in and took a chair. She didn't need a tossing and turning body next to her. He needed to be awake anyway, in case she needed him. He closed his eyes. Next thing he knew, the sun was on his face and he heard Jane's voice.
"Jesse..."
"Huh? Janey?"
"Did you get the serial number of the Sherman tank that ran me over?"
"Oh, Janey!" He wrapped his arms around her, choking on a sob.
"I'm OK." she said. "Feel like Hell, though. What happened?"
"Jane, don't ever do that again." he scolded. "I'm not worth dying for."
The events of last night came running back to Jane's mind. "Jesse, I love you." she said. "And I'm every bit as capable of defending you as you are me, so get any macho save the damsel ideas out of your head right now."
"Whatever you say."
"Did you stay up all night for me?"
"Yeah."
"You shouldn't. Not sleeping is bad for you."
"Then Trent must be the healthiest guy in the world."
"Do you hear something?"
"Hear what?" They were both quiet. They heard squeeky peeping sounds. They were coming from Nibble's cage. Jesse came near and smiled. Four miniscule pink pups were wriggling under his pet's fur. He sat on the bed next to Jane. "Nibbles had her babies." He couldn't help himself. He laid back on the bed and laughed with shear joy. Everything was going to be alright.
23 DAYS LATER:
"C'mon, drink it."
"Jesse, I hate this stuff."
"It's TheraFlu, Janey. It'll clear up your sinuses."
Jane begrudgingly sipped the hot liquid. "I feel better than I did yesterday. God, this sucks. It's like the worst case of the flu ever."
"Side effects of the antidote." Jesse explained. "Amy has had us distributing it to as many ReNew heads as we could. Everyone will be back to normal soon, but Lawndale's gonna have a bit of a flu epidemic."
"You've been really good to me, Jess. Thanks."
"It's nothing, really." He took her hand and stroked it. He fondled the engagment ring she wore. Opals and emeralds. Hope and Love. He had recently learned that he had his birthstones mixed up. His birthstone was aquamarine- Courage.
"You're going to be a good father someday."
"Hinting something?" he smiled.
"Not now. I wanna finnish college first. But, you're loving, caring, responsible. You can even be strict when you have to be."
"Janey, will you marry me?"
"You've already asked."
"No I didn't. I babbled like a moron and threw a ring in your face. I can do it right now."
"Yes, Jesse, I'll marry you."
Someone knocked on the door. "Come in." Jesse sighed.
Amy, Daria and Trent came in. Jane hugged her brother and best friend as she lay in her fiance's bed.
"Everyone's back to normal." said Daria. "Or a reasonable fac simile."
"God, all the make up work I'll have to do." Jane groaned.
"We got a notice from some orginization called SHIELD." said Trent. "They were unable to find Dr. Felix or the Duchess after the explosion, be we halted their operation."
"And Daria and I gave a full description of the Boss." said Jesse. "They've been unable to get that much so far."
"What do you have here?" asked Amy, motioning to the cage.
"My pet hamster had babies." said Jesse. "I've been looking for good homes for them. Nibbles has been nipping them when they try to nurse, and they eat the seeds I put out for them, so I think they're ready to leave their mother. I'm keeping the one with the black and white spots. I call her Dotty."
"How about the one with the calico pattern?"
"You can have her, if you promise not to experiment on her or anything."
"I wouldn't dream of it. You did say her?"
Jesse took the young hamster out of the cage. "See how the back end is kinda bowed? Male hamsters kinda taper off. You can have her."
"Thank you. Let's go home, Hypatia."
"Hypatia?" Trent shook his head. What a weird name for a hamster. Well, at least all would be quiet for a while.
Hope this was worth the wait. Final Exams+Christmas+Other Projects=A Long Time Between Updates. And they say I'm bad at math!
I have an idea for another story. May be a while before it's up. It features strange visitors from another time.
And remember, "Drugs are bad, m'kay. You shouldn't take drugs."
"We have to." said Daria. "It's a law enacted by First Lady Nancy Reagan in '85." Daria read an official looking document. "All television programs aimed at viewers between the ages of 6 and 18 shall have at least one episode confronting the issue of drug abuse. Drug use shall not be glorified or otherwise shown in a positive light. The characters will learn a valuable lesson from the experience as will the young viewers."
"But this isn't a TV show!" Jane protested. "It's a fan fic!"
"Section C, paragraph 2." Daria sighed. "Should said program fail to produce an anti-drug
episode, a fan fiction author will be chosen at random to write one." She looked up. "Tough luck, cygna."
"We covered alcoholism." Jane said.
"Yeah, as the B story in the series finale. Mrs. Reagan specified drug use."
"Can we still use our super powers and beat up monsters?"
"Absofreakinglutly."
JUST SAY NO
The school year started normally in Lawndale. It was a few weeks into the school year that Daria realized something strange was happening. It was the usual morning. Jake read the paper. Helen talked to Eric on her cell. Daria helped herself to OJ and toaster pastries. Quinn came downstairs with a scarf wrapped around her head. Helen noticed her. "Quinn, come and have breakfast."
"Can't. Makesmefat." she said quickly, sprinting out the door.
"Why was she wearing that scarf?" Helen asked.
"Who's wearing a scarf?" Jake asked, finally looking up from his paper.
"Your daughter, dear."
He looked at Daria. "Daria's not wearing a scarf."
Helen sighed. "Your /other/ daughter. You know, the one who /isn't/ desperate to marry out of the family." Daria shot her mother an angry glare. Helen shot back an angrier one. Their
relationship had gotten even more precarious when Daria stood up to her.
Daria walked to Jane's house. Trent's Ford pulled up. Jane and Jesse were in the back. "Need a lift?" asked Trent.
She got in. "Guess what!" said Jane. "Jesse's going to be a grandfather!"
"Excuse me?" Daria replied.
"Schwartz, that new hamster I got," he explained. "Kinda got Nibbles pregnant. This book I got about hamsters says that when the pups are born I gotta keep Schwartz seperate from them. The males sometimes eat the babies."
"What some guys do to get out of paying child support." Trent shook his head.
"Well, my mother still hates me." said Daria. "My Dad is still clueless yet lovable. And my sister is back on the Skip-Breakfast-and-Pass-Out-During-PE Diet. She was also wearing a head scarf for some reason."
"Converting to Islam?" Jane suggested.
"Why not?" Daria shrugged. "I hear femenine oppression is all the rage this season."
"Good one, Daria." laughed Trent.
Jane noticed something peculiar when they got to school. Many of the students had extra appendages. Some had tails, some had horns, some had snouts.
"It's the School of Dr. Moreau." said Daria.
"Oh, yeah," said Jane. "I smell plothook."
Daria noticed her sister whispering and giggling with the fashion club. Tiffany had a long tail and was covered in short tawny fur with brown spots. She had streaks under her eyes like a cheetah. Stacy had antlers like an antelope and had several sparkly baubles hanging off the prongs. Brooke had grown an extra set of arms and was using them to her advantage; brushing her hair and putting on make-up at the same time. Quinn removed her scarf to reveal a pair of long, pointed ears that she could move independantly.
"Kurt would love it here." said Jane. "He'd fit right in."
"Hi Daria! Hi Jane!" Brittany squeeked. "Look what I got!" She also had a pair of long ears. Hers were slender and covered in short white fur, like a rabbit's.
"OK, joke's over." Jane tried to tug one of the ears off.
"Ow! Don't do that!" Brittany whined.
"That's some strong adhesive you got there." said Jane.
"I didn't use anything adversive." said Brittany. "These are mine, for real! And look! I got a cute powder-puff tail to match!" She turned around and lifted up her skirt.
"Brittany," Daria sighed. "The last thing I ever want to see is your ass, powder-puff tail or not."
"Hey, babe!" said Kevin, dragging himself down the hall on hairy gorilla-like arms. "Check me out!"
"Ooh, Kevvie! Your muscles are so big and ripply!" She embraced him.
"Hey, Diane Fossey," said Daria. "Care to explain what's going on?"
"Shyeah, like she'd explain anything to a couple of norms like you." said Kevin.
"You can't even get my name right! It's Brit-ta-ny. Not Diane Falsie or whatever."
"Later, losers." The two walked away.
"Kevin isn't usually that rude." said Jane.
"Come, Lane." said Daria. "The game's afoot." The bell rang. "We'll check up on it after English."
"Wonder who the substitute will be this time?" Jane wondered as they sat in class. Since Mr. O'Niel had been institutionalized for aiding and abbetting Man-Hater, they had a string of substitutes for English.
The new teacher was tall, craggy, with salt and pepper hair and patch over his left eye. "Listen up, kids." he said in a no nonsense voice. "Since your regular teacher is up in the funny farm, I'm gonna be your teacher for a while." He wrote his name on the board. "My name is Mr. Fury. You call me either that or sir. Do I make myself clear?"
"Mr. Furry." said Brittany. "How did you lose your eye?"
"That's Fury. And none of your damn business! Now, open your books to page 36. We're gonna read about Walt Whitman."
"Ooh, I just love his chocolate samplers!" squealed Brittany.
Mr. Fury pulled Brittany to a standing position by pulling on one of her rabbit ears. "Listen good, girly. You open your mouth one more time and I'll be wearing your foot on my keychain. Do we have an understanding?"
"Yes sir." she said meekly.
Mr. Fury dropped Brittany back in her seat and went up to the board where he wrote notes on /Leaves of Grass/. I think I'm gonna like this guy. thought Daria.
After English, Daria slipped up on the Fashion Club. "So, anyway," Quinn was saying. "I'm thinking of going back tonight. See if he has anything that will get me a tail, preferably a long fluffy one like a fox."
"Hey, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or whatever?" For once, Tiffany's speech wasn't nauseatingly slow.
"Go /away/, Daria." Quinn huffed.
"I just want to know where you're going back to tonight." she said. "And who's giving you the tail?"
"Don't you know it's, like, rude to listen in on people's conversations?" Brooke folded one pair of arms and let the other pair of arms rest on her hips.
"Yeah," said Stacy. "And why should we tell a norm like you anything?"
"Sorry, Daria." said Quinn. "You have to earn your tail if you wanna be cool like us."
Over lunch, Daria and Jane discussed the clues they pieced together. "OK," said Daria. "Quinn's exact words were 'See if he has anything that will get me a tail.' I'm guessing that means everyone is taking something that causes them to mutate."
"I've noticed that everyone seems a bit closed mouthed about the whole thing." said Jane.
Jodi sat with them, looking sad, but unmutated. "Hey, guys." she said.
"What's wrong, Jodi?" asked Jane.
"Mac just told me I'm not 'cool' just because I don't have fur or a tail like everyone else." Mac was sitting at a table with some other football players. He sported a spiky tail like a stegosaurus. Jodi picked at her food. "He's never been like this before."
"That's another thing I've noticed." said Daria. "Whatever they're taking to give them these mutations is also giving them an attitude."
"Hey guys." said Mima, sitting with them. "The three of you are practically the only ones who don't have any extra body parts."
"What do you make of this, Mima?" asked Jodi.
Mima looked around to make sure no one was listening. "OK, it's like this. You see that guy with the spines on his head? His name's Peter. He's in my biology class. I went out with him last weekend. He offered me some little red pills. I told him on no uncertain terms that my parents would have my ass on a platter if I took drugs. Then he took off his hat and showed me the spines. I freaked out and ran. Sorry that I can't give you more info."
"Lane, Morgendorfer." They turned to see Mr. Fury. "I want to have a word with the two of you. Alone."
They went with him into the English classroom. Mr. Fury closed the door. If he tries anything funny, thought Jane, he's getting a fireball up the ass.
"So, Phantom and Flamin' Jane." he said. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."
"You're not a real teacher, are you." Daria made a statement, not a question.
Mr. Fury smiled. "You're quick, Phantom. Quicker than any of the morons who attend this school. I'll cut to the chase. The drug is called ReNew. It's being sold under the highway a couple blocks east of here."
"How do you know this, and why are you telling us?" asked Jane.
"That ain't important." said Mr. Fury. "But this is. You didn't hear it from me. Do we have an understanding?"
"If we don't," said Daria. "you'll wear our feet on your keychain."
"Get out." He opened the door.
After school, Daria and Jane waited in the parking lot to be picked up by their boyfriends, eager to tell them what was happening. They saw Danny standing by the bike rack, looking too depressed to move.
"Hey, future brother-in-law." said Jane. "What's wrong? Computer system crash?"
"My best friend Artie won't talk to me." he said saddly. "He says I'm not cool like he is. He now has Vulcan ears and antennae like an Andorran. Not fake ones either."
"Wow." said Daria. "Next thing you know, he'll want a tail like a Talaxian."
"Talaxians don't have tails." said Danny.
"Geek test!" said Daria. Danny shook his head and unlocked his bicycle.
"There's no way I'm gonna get a girlfriend now." he lamented. "For some strange reason everyone now thinks deformities are cool. I'm an even bigger loser than I was before."
"You're not a loser, Danny." said Jane. "And not all girls are on the freak wagon. Daria and yours truly for example."
"You're engaged." Danny pointed out.
"There's Jodi Landon." Jane added.
"Has a boyfriend."
"They're on the outs right now." said Daria. "And Mima isn't seeing anyone."
"Jodi and Mima are both older than me." Danny tucked the chain in his book bag. "Girls usually don't like guys to be younger than them."
"Isn't Iggy Tyler your age?" Jane suggested.
"Yeah, but she's not exactly girlfriend material."
"How so?" asked Daria.
"Well, she's a good friend, really smart, hell of a roll player, but just not what I'd call a girlfriend."
"Because she's non-threatening?" said Jane.
"Non-threatening, plug-ugly." shrugged Daria. "Means the same thing to a guy."
"That's not what I meant!" said Danny. "I meant...ah, hell, I don't know what I mean."
Trent's Ford soon drove up. "Hey, Danny," said Jesse. "Wanna ride home with us?"
"Nah," Danny sighed. "I know you guys like to be, you know, couples."
"Actually," said Daria. "We might need Danny. Formidable Four business."
"In that case," said Danny. "Just give me a couple of minutes to disassemble my bike." He took out his trusty screwdriver and started taking the bike apart.
"What adventure are we up for this time?" Trent asked as Jesse put bicycle parts in the trunk. "Giant rats taking over the school?"
"Everyone in school is willingly turning themselves into walking freak shows." They all got in the car. "It's a drug being sold under the highway called ReNew. We suspect it may be mind altering as well as body altering. I believe what we should do is go down to the highway tonight, secure a sample and have Danny here analize it."
"Uh, no can do." said Danny.
"Why?" asked Daria. "You do chemistry."
"My forte is electronics and gadgeteering. I only dabble in chemistry."
Jane slapped her forehead. "Danny, you 'dabble' in watercolors. You 'dabble' in poetry. You do not 'dabble' in chemistry!"
"My Aunt Amy's a chemist." said Daria. "She'd probably help us."
Daria borrowed Trent's cell phone. "Hello." Aunt Amy answered.
"Aunt Amy, it's me, Daria."
"Hey, how's my favorite niece?"
"Um, Aunt Amy, the Formidable Four needs your help. Some people are selling drugs to the students and we need someone who can analize a sample of the drug. How soon can you get here?"
"I'll leave as soon as I hang up the phone."
"Really?"
"I just got back from a business trip in Bangor. The phone rang as soon as I got in the house. I'm still packed. I can drive to Lawndale in a little over an hour."
"Great. See you then."
Trent and Daria met Amy outside the Morgendorfer house. "So, you're Daria's fiance." she said when she met Trent. "She's told me all about you. You know, you're a lot better looking when you're not a walking popsicle."
They shook hands. "I wasn't a walking popscicle, Miss Barksdale. I was so frozen I couldn't walk. Had to have Jesse carry me around for awhile."
"Please, call me Amy. And let's try to put the whole Slashers business behind us."
They got in the car. "Jesse's brother Danny has a lab set up in their garage."
"What form is the drug in?" asked Amy.
"Mima said it was little red pills." said Daria.
They were greeted at the Moreno house by Luis, who was just leaving. "Are you going to blow up my house?" he asked Amy.
"Do you want us to?" she replied.
"My house has taken much damage latly. First, my older son tears up the stairs with a chainsaw to keep zombies from getting at me and a little girl. Then a cucacaracha grande tears holes in my doors! My sons, I love them, but they are loco. Well, I must be leaving. Adios."
"You guys have been busy." Amy remarked.
Daria reintroduced Amy to Jane and Jesse. "Nice to know you when we're not running for our lives." said Jane.
"Where's Danny?" said Amy. "I'd like him to show me his lab."
"He's in his room." said Jesse. "I'll get him."
Jesse knocked on Danny's door. "What?" he answered surily.
Jesse cracked open the door. "Danny? Miss Barksdale's here. She wants you to show her the lab equipment."
"You show her." Danny hadn't budged from the bed he was reclining on.
"Danny, you know I don't understand any of that stuff you got put together." He sat on the edge of Danny's bed. Danny's room had walls of shelves loaded with his toy robot collection and several role playing and fantasy books. "What's wrong, really?"
"I can't face her. Jesse, that woman and I were captives together. She-she saw me cry!" Danny blushed at the admission. He let no one see him cry, not even Jesse.
"So?" Jesse shrugged. "I had a nervous breakdown on international TV. C'mon, She really wants to meet you."
Danny reluctantly came down. "H-hi, Miss Barksdale." he said nervously.
"Hello, Danny." said Amy. "And I told you, you can call me Amy. Now, why don't you show me your lab?"
He showed her the garage. "It's not much." he admitted. "I kinda havta scrounge for parts. You've probably got a big fancy one at DuPont."
"Yes, Danny." said Amy. "A big fancy laboratory with big fancy technitions always under foot." She looked at the assorted lab tools. "Yes, this will suffice for a simple analysis. All I need is a sample."
"We'll get that tonight." said Daria. "Under the highway, after dark."
"You be careful, OK?" said Amy.
"Anyone for pizza?" asked Trent, taking out his cell phone.
They left for the highway at dusk. They saw two vans parked under the overpass near the warehouse district. Some strange looking characters were milling about. The Formidable Four watched from Trent's car. "I'll go first." said Daria, going invisible. She walked right up to the scene of the crime. She halted dead in her tracks when she heard her sister's voice.
"So, this stuff will make me grow a tail, right?" she was saying.
"Look, doll," the dealer was saying. "I don't make no guarantees. Ya takes your chances."
"Whatever." Quinn sighed. "Here's your two-hundred."
"Uh-uh, doll." said the dealer. "Price went up to two-fifty."
"What! It was just two-hundred last time!"
"Supply and demand, doll, supply and demand! However, I'm willin' to negotiate with a pretty thing like you. Tail for a tail. How's that sound?"
Daria gave the dealer a slap kick to the kidneys. He went down. "Quinn, run!" Daria shouted.
"Daria! Is that you?" she asked.
"No, it's Casper the Friendly Ghost." The dealer moved to get up. Daria kicked him in the jaw. "Go home, Quinn!"
"Why?" Quinn demanded. "You affraid I might become cooler than you?"
"Now is neither the time nor the place." The dealer's goons had been alerted and an invisible Daria had to fight them off. "Go home."
"NO!" Quinn said defiantly. "Ever since you became a super hero everything's been about you! You're just holding me back!" A ball of fire exploded just a few feet from Quinn.
"Go HOME Quinn!" Jane ordered as she hovered in the air.
Quinn ran away. "What the fuck is that?!" One of the goons shouted, pointing at Jane.
"I don't know, homes," said another goon. "But I bet it ain't bullet proof!" He whipped out a pistol and fired twice at Jane. She conjured a sheet of fire to melt the bullets before they got to her. The two goons soon found themselves bound up in a pair of super flexible arms.
"I don't like it when people try to shoot my sister." Trent said calmly.
Jesse snatched the pistol away from the second goon. "Today is not a good day to be a bad guy." he said as he tore the gun apart like a cheap toy.
"D-don't hurt me mister." stammered the first goon, as Jesse searched him for weapons. Jesse found a knife on him, which he broke in two.
"Yeah," said the other one. "Don't waste time on small-time hoods like us. Go after him!" He nodded towards the dealer. "He's the one you want!"
"Thanks." said Trent. "You know what to do, Jess." Jesse knocked the two goons heads together, just hard enough to knock them out for awhile. "Is is just me or did they sound like a couple of coconuts being knocked together?" A bullet bounced off Trent's rubbery skin, leaving a hole in his shirt. He turned to the goon that fired on him. "The one day I wear something clean..." he said, thoroughly annoyed. He turned to the shocked goon. He kept firing at Trent, only to see bullets bounce off him as his arms stretched for him. He soon ran out of bullets. He dropped the gun as Trent grabbed him. "Jesse, the Vulcan nerve pinch if you will."
Jesse squeezed at the base of the goon's neck, decommisioning him.
There was a fourth goon, but Jane had him trapped by several rings of fire. Daria trapped the dealer in a force field. The dealer banged at the walls of the force field. He whipped out a pistol. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Daria said, becoming visible. The dealer fired at her, the bullet merely ricocheted off the invisible wall, nicking his arm. "I warned you."
Jane landed near the trapped dealer. "You're gonna run out of air pretty soon." she said.
"Or," said Daria. "I can make the bubble smaller untill it crushes him."
"Ladies, ladies!" the dealer said nervously. "Let's talk this over!"
"We want a sample of the drug." said Jane.
"Drug? What drug?"
"The drug you tried to get my sister to prostitute herself for!" said Daria.
"Yeah, sure, you can have the drug, take all of it! Just, just lemme go."
"Drop the gun." said Jane.
The dealer dropped the gun. Daria nodded her head, signaling to Jane that the force field was gone. Jane threw a bolt of flame at the gun, melting it into a useless lump of iron. The dealer tried to make a run for it. Daria put an invisible wall in his way.
"You're not leaving untill you answer a few questions!" said Daria.
"I'm thinking torch to the groin." said Jane, conjuring a fireball in her hand.
The dealer threw a packet of red pills at them. "Take 'em!" he said. "Go away!"
Daria took up the packet. "Who is your supplier?" she asked.
"Up yours, doll!"
Jane brought a fireball dangerously close to the dealer's groin. "Who, is, your, supplier?" she said slowly.
"She'll kill me!"
"And that's preferable to a life with no genitalia?" asked Daria. "Now, who is your supplier?"
"She calls herself The Duchess, that's all I know!"
"Where can we find The Duchess?" asked Jane.
"Go to Wonderland, ask for Alice." Jane threatened him with a fireball.
"Where can we find The Duchess?" asked Daria.
"The Duchess goes wherever she wants. How should I know where she is?"
"For the last time," Jane's flames singed the dealer's slacks. "Where is The Duchess?"
"I meet her at the Zen Club. She'll be there tomorrow night. Now let me go!"
"Take over, Jess." said Jane, retracting the fireball. Jesse knocked the dealer out. They approached the goon trapped by the fire rings, surrounding him. Jane removed the flames. "You saw everything, didn't you?" she asked.
The goon nodded. "You're gonna tell the police what you saw tonight, right?" asked Daria.
"Who-who are you?" he asked.
"We are the Formidable Four." said Trent. "And you should really rethink your life."
"This might sting a little." Jesse said, knocking the goon out.
Trent took out his cell and called the police. "Yeah, Sarge, Sir Stretchalot again... Dude, when do we /ever/ need back up? I need your boys to come over to the overpass in the warehouse district and clean house as it were...Five of them. All KOed for your convienence. Hercules is searching them for weapons as I speak...No problem. Later, dude."
Danny stared at the floor with his shoulders hunched as Amy examined the sample through his microscope. He was trying not to have flashbacks to his captivity in Japan. He thought he had put that behind him. /"Let him go!"/ Amy had said to the guards. /"Can't you see he's scared? He's just a kid!"/ Just a kid. On some level Danny knew Amy had meant well, but those words still hurt.
Amy crushed the pill to powder and examined it further. She mixed it with other chemicals and observed the effects.
"Ever notice," said Jane. "that bad guys always need to be questioned 3 times before they give you any information?"
"Wonder why that is?" mused Daria.
"What do you find, Amy?" asked Trent.
Amy shook her head. "I need a purer sample if we're going to find a cure. It seems street level ReNew is cut down so that it creates only one mutant out of a thousand. The rest will only acchieve strange appendages. Tails, antennae, extra arms and the like."
"Tiffany." said Jane. "She was all muted out. Fur, ears, tail, super speed...well, super speed for her, anyway."
"The chemicals used to make this drug," Amy continued. "are derived from an artificial component of the X gene. I strongly advise the four of you not to take the drug yourselves. It could be detrimental, perhaps even fatal to a mutant. All the more reason, Daria, for you to make sure Quinn doesn't take another dose."
"Why?" asked Daria. "She's not a mutant."
"No, but as your sister it is possible that she carries the X gene, even if she never mannifests. At least, that's what Professor Xavier wrote in an article posted in /Modern Science/ magazine."
"Miss Amy," said Danny. "Jesse's my brother. Does that mean I have the X gene?"
"It is possible." said Amy. "But, unless you really want to take your chances with radioactive nuclear waste, you may never manifest. However, should you choose to have children someday, they may become mutants."
"Assuming I ever get a girlfriend." Danny said morosly.
"You will be married before you start having kids." Jesse said a bit sternly.
"Yes, Daddy." Danny teased.
"The supplier calls herself The Duchess." said Daria. "She'll be at the Zen tomorrow night."
"We'll be there." said Trent.
"Good." said Amy. "Danny, would you help me put the equipment away? And I need to know the where to find a descent motel."
"You can stay at our house, Aunt Amy." said Daria.
"Thank you, Daria, but I really don't want to deal with my sister just now."
"Hey, I have to deal with her every day." Daria shrugged. "She's angry that I'm going to marry Trent after graduation and move to New York. She's also mad that I got seven million dollars from saving you on /Slashers/ even though I did the smart thing and put it in the bank for college."
"Helen is a control freak." said Amy. "You have more money than she's ever dreamed of and thus, near complete control of your own life. Check that, you turned 18 last August giving you /complete/ control of your life. Honey, you can do anything but buy liquor and you can take a road trip to Canada if you really want to do that."
"Well," said Jane. "I know what we're doing for my birthday!"
"Daria," said Trent. "If things get too bad at home, you can always move in with me and Janey. Mom and Dad love you and the Formidable Four is going to move into a townhouse anyway."
"Thanks." said Daria. "But I think I can tough it out. After all, I've got less than a year to continue making Quinn's life a living Hell. Might as well make the best of it."
The next day the Formidable Four made some large withdrawels from their bank accounts, just in case they needed to make a buy. At dusk they parked in the lot across the street from the Zen. An SUV with smoked mirrors was parked by the street. Six people of various mutations were huddled about it. A red haired boy with antenae and pointed ears approached the biggest one. "Arthur McAllister." said Daria to her friends. "AKA 'Artie'."
"I know him." said Jesse. "He's in Danny's role playing group. Can't believe he's into drugs." They got close enough to hear them.
"Hi! I'm Artie!"
"Ask me if I give a shit." said the scaly dealer.
"Do you have anything that will give me a Klingon forehead?" Artie asked. "Or at least spots like a Trill?"
"Man, what the fuck is a Trill?" Asked a girl with a snout and whiskers like a rat.
"A symbiotic lifeform." Artie tutted. "Don't you watch /Deep Space Nine/?"
"Look, junior," said the dealer. "ReNew gives ya what it's gonna give ya. Ya don't get to pick and choose. Now, you gonna cough up two hunnert dollars or are ya just wastin' my time?"
"Go home, Artie." said Jesse.
"Who the fuck is this asshole?" asked a three eyed punk with six inch talons on his hands.
"They call me Hercules." Jesse said calmly.
A muscle-bound thug with a snout like a rhino, complete with horn, charged at Jesse. Jesse grabbed the horn, stopping Rhino-boy in his tracks and flipped him over his shoulder. Rat-girl shrieked and ran at him. Jesse grabbed her, picked her up and held her at arm's length. "You know," he said. "I really don't like fighting girls."
"I don't have a problem with it." Daria said, drop kicking Rat-girl. Rat-girl hissed and bared her razor sharp inscisors. "Hey, Minnie," Daria quipped. "Do you brush those teeth or do you sandblast
them?" Rat-girl lunged at her. Daria hit her with an inviso-shield.
Artie stood by and watched the free for all that insued as the theme music played. A fiesty female feline leaped onto Jesse's back and sank her fangs into his neck. "That's /my/ job, bitch!" Jane screamed, shooting a jet of flame close enough to singe the mutated girl's fur. Trent was squared off against the scale covered dealer. He gave as good as he got. The taloned punk tried to claw Trent. His rubbery skin turned them aside and Trent gave him an elbow to the face. Jesse grappled with Rhino-face. A punk with tusks growing out of his mouth charged at him. Jesse picked up Rhino face and slammed him against the tusked mutant. Daria found Cat-girl more of a challenge than she thought. Her reflexes were lightening quick and her claws were like needles. Daria trapped her in an invisible bubble. Cat-girl yowled as she banged on the sides of her prison. Rat-girl gave out a shrieking squeal as Jane trapped her in her fire rings. Scales and Talon tried to run away, but Trent stretched out his arms and captured them. Rhino-face and Tusks jumped in the SUV and tried to drive away. Tusk stamped down on the accelerator, but found he wasn't moving at all. He looked in the rearview mirror. Jesse had grabbed the SUV by the back bumper and had lifted the rear axel off the ground. He hefted the whole vehicle up over his head.
The thugs captured, it was time for interigation. "Where is the Duchess?" Trent asked Scales, giving his neck a bit of a squeeze.
"In the Zen." gasped Scales.
"We thought as much." said Daria. "What does she look like?"
"You'll know her when you see her." said Talon. "She's got horns and a trunk like an elephant. Now will you let us go?"
"Nah," said Trent. "Think we'll let Lawndale's finest deal with you. Daria, you what to do." He let them go and Daria trapped them in invisible bubbles. Trent took out his cell and called Captain Granger.
"Can I put this down now?" asked Jesse, still holding up the SUV.
"Getting heavy for you?" asked Jane.
"Nah. But their transmission's got a leak and I'm getting fluid all over me."
Daria trapped the thugs in invisible bubbles and left them for the police. The Formidable Four entered the Zen. Loud music was coming from the stage. The band was made up of four severly mutated musicians. "The lead singer of that band makes Sy Snootles look like Madonna." Jesse commented.
"Who's Sy Snootles?" asked Daria.
"Lead singer for the Max Rebo band from /Star Wars/."
"Geek test!" said Daria.
"I saw it in one of Danny's role-playing books." Jesse shrugged.
"That's her." Trent pointed to a shady corner of the Zen. "That's the Duchess." The Duchess was seated at a booth in a dark corner. She was ill lit, but her horns and trunk were all obvious. She was surrounded by a harem of slightly mutated males.
They approached her. As they got closer, they could see that the Duchess was dripping in glittering gold and sparkling diamonds. "You're the Duchess, right." said Daria.
"Who wants to know?" asked the Duchess in a husky, superior tone of voice.
"We just wanna know where Her Ladyship is getting this stuff." Jane said, pulling up a chair. "ReNew, I believe it's called."
"And /why/ would I tell /you/?" Daria was sure this voice was familiar, if only she could place it.
"Maybe we want a cut of the action." said Trent, taking a chair.
"Maybe," Jesse said, squeezing in between the Duchess and a harem boy with green hair and feathers. "you've got room for another guy?"
"Well," The Duchess trailed her fingers over Jesse's bicep. "I do like them big, strong and handsome." She teased his face with her trunk. Jane valiantly fought the urge to turn the Duchess into a crepe suzette. He's only pretending. She reminded herself. He's just trying to seduce info out of her.
"Yeah," said Jesse, resisting the urge to push the creepy trunk away from him. "But, to be one of your boys, I'm gonna need some ReNew. The good stuff. I was thinking of maybe a tail...prehensile of course."
"Well, apparantly the strong man knows some big words." the Duchess teased.
Daria recognized the voice. She pulled the lamp closer to see who the Duchess really was. She had horns growing from her temples and a trunk where her nose once was, but she recognized the superior visage and overdone nut brown hair. Sandi had returned.
Daria was affraid Sandi would recognize her. Fortunatly, she seemed enrapt with Jesse.
"I could teach you some other big words." Jesse said, stroking the Duchess' hand flirtatiously. "Maybe you could teach me a few things." Daria noticed Jane's hands were glowing bright red. She gave her friend a kick under the table.
"Well, I think it's time for class, then." said the Duchess. "I'll take you to where the good stuff is, get you that tail, and then, perhaps, see what kind of fun we can have afterwards. Alright, boys, take the night off. I'm breakin' in a new one." The harem gave mous and pouts, but obeyed. The Duchess noticed the other three. "Why are /you/ still here?" she demanded.
"Hey, we know when we're not wanted." said Trent, getting up. "Let's go, girls." They moved away, watching Jesse and the Duchess leave together.
"I'll follow him." said Daria.
"The Hell you will!" said Jane. "I'll follow them!"
"Jane, I can go invisible, remember?" Daria went invisible.
"We won't be far behind." said Trent. "When you need us, we'll be there."
Daria caught up with Sandi and Jesse. She grabbed Jesse's hand and gave it a squeeze. "It's me." she whispered. Jesse nodded his head once to show he understood.
A candy apple red convertable was parked outside. Daria clambered in the backseat and gave Jesse's shoulder a squeeze to let him know she was there. Sandi got in the driver's seat. As she drove she went into a long boring talk about herself. Jesse responded with "Yeah" and "Cool" when appropriate, playing up the himbo role that was expected of him. All the while he kept glancing at the rearview mirror. Trent's Ford was trailing them. He hoped the Duchess wouldn't spot them.
They got out at a toxic waste plant. Mutated guards were milling about. They let the Duchess and her "friend" pass by without question. Daria followed invisibly.
Once inside they met a heavy set man with no mutations. "Hello, Duchess." he said. "Looks like you picked up a new boy toy. A norm, this time."
"That's why I'm taking him to see Dr. Felix, Boss." she said.
"You know, Duchess," said Boss. "It has come to my attention that some of the Lawndale students aren't on ReNew yet."
The Duchess shrugged. "I can't help it if some geeks decide they'd rather not be cool."
"Ah, yes," said the boss. "Squeeky clean types who would rather spend Friday night with a book than 'rolling with the crew' and looking for a score. I know what you mean, and I have just the thing." Boss took a strange looking gun out of his jacket. "This is a dart gun. It's been loaded with six darts of ReNew. You see a norm, you shoot 'em, they mutate, they're hooked on the drug." The Duchess took the gun and pocketed it. "Wanna try it on your little friend?"
"I'm going to have Dr. Felix customize something for him. A prehensive tail, perhaps."
Boss sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you mean prehensile. That means it can be used to hold things, like a monkey's."
"I-I knew that." the Duchess sputtered.
"I'll be off then." Boss eyed Jesse and smiled. "Don't break him on your first try, now."
The Duchess led Jesse across an iron grated catwalk. Jesse's nose wrinkled at the stench of chemicals and sludge being kept in vats below them. Daria had to cover her mouth and nose. "Sorry about the mess, dear." said the Duchess. "After your appointment with Dr. Felix, I promise to take you somewhere more romantic."
She took Jesse inside a blue tiled lobby. She opened a door to a laboratory. There, in a white lab coat was a small balding man. "Dr. Felix," said the Duchess. "I have a custom job for you."
"Such a perfect speciman." Dr. Felix commented, rubbing his long thin hands together. "Would you like him mutated now or can it wait for the pills to be formed?"
"Now, of course!"
"You do realize the pure form of ReNew must be injected."
"Hey, not a problem." said Jesse, hoping neither of them realized he was screaming on the inside.
"He wants a prehensile tail, doesn't he?" the Duchess said, toying with Jesse's hair.
"Splendid." said Felix. He unlocked a cupboard and took out a case of vials of clear liquid. "I know I have some essence of spider monkey around here somewhere. That may make him grow fur and lengthen his arms a bit. Will that be a problem?"
"Not at all." she said.
As Felix went to look for his essence of spider monkey, Daria eyed the vials of ReNew. She grabbed Jesse's shoulder and stood on tiptoe so she could whisper in his ear. "Distract her. I'll grab the ReNew."
"Um, Duchess?" said Jesse.
"What is it?" Jesse lifted up her trunk and kissed her full on the mouth. Meanwhile, Daria lifted one of the vials and hid it in her jacket pocket. She elbowed Jesse to let him know the job was done.
Meanwhile, Trent and Jane were on the roof spying on the scene through a skylight. "I'mgonnakillher,I'mgonnakillher,I'mgonnakillher..." murmered Jane as she watched the Duchess smooch with her fiance.
"Cool it, Janey." said Trent. He watched one of the vials lift itself out of the case and disappear. Daria had it. Now to get her and Jesse out of there.
"Well," said the Duchess. "Aren't we frisky?"
"Here it is," said Felix, returning with a vial and some test tubes. "Essence of spider monkey. Won't take a minute to whip this up."
He put on a pair of goggles and took one of the ReNew vials.
"Um, Duchess," said Jesse. "I'm having second thoughts."
"Darling, a boy as cute as you shouldn't have to think." the Duchess said teasingly.
"But, it's just..."
Her trunk laid against his lips. "Shh, don't worry your pretty little head."
"Here we go." said Felix, tapping the air bubbles out of the hypodermic. "Duchess, be a dear and grab that bottle of rubbing alcohol, would you? And one of the cotton balls in the box next to it."
Daria slap kicked the hypo out of Felix's hand. Flamin' Jane and Sir Stretchalot smashed through the skylight.
"Run for it, Daria!" Trent shouted. The sound of Daria's Doc Martins slamming against linnoleum filled the air.
"Quinn's cousin was here!?" shrieked the Duchess.
"Sister, actually." said Jane.
"I-I'm innocent!" said Felix. "She-she threatened my life if I didn't go along with her!"
Jesse tore some metal piping off the wall. "Tell it to the judge." he said, twisting the pipe into make-shift handcuffs. Felix put up no resistance.
"You were with them?" said the Duchess. "Well, it doesn't matter." She hit a button hidden under a table. A door slid open. Three reptillian mutants walked in. "Sharkface, Slasher, Whiplash, you know what to do with them."
"Great, another fight scene." said Jane.
"Jess, you go after the Duchess." said Trent. "Janey and I can take these guys out."
"On it." Jesse chased after the Duchess. Whiplash tried to stop him. Jesse grabbed the tail that was coming at thim and swung the reptile across the room.
He chased the Duchess out to the blue tiled lobby. "Not as dumb as you pretend to be, are you?" she asked.
"I'm smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut." he replied.
"Shall we dance?" She swung at him with the trunk. He dodged. She punched, he blocked.
"I don't like to fight with ladies." he said. "But you are no lady." He took a swing. She used her trunk to block and jumped back. She lowered her head and charged at him. He spun about, dodging her. She turned and careened towards him, horns at ready. She got very close, but he still managed to spin out of her way.
"You are as agile as you are strong." she commented.
"Spent a couple summers in Madrid." he shrugged. "Learned a few things."
The Duchess grinned. She burst through the door leading to the plant. Jesse followed her. The iron catwalked clanged as he persued her across it. Then she stopped short and turned, aiming the dart gun at Jesse. "Did you forget I had this?" she asked.
Jane and Trent made short work of the reptiles. Jane inflicted a heavy burn on Sharkface. Whiplash had been knocked out by Jesse. Slasher's claws were turned by Trent's rubber skin. Trent grabbed a flask and threw it at Slasher. It turned out to be a highly corrosive acid. "I'll call Granger." said Trent, taking out his ever-present cell phone.
"I'll check on Jesse." Jane left the lab. No one in the lobby. She went into the plant, the smell of harsh chemicals burning her nose. She saw them on the catwalk. The Duchess was holding Jesse at gunpoint.
"Story of my fucking life, you know." the Duchess was saying. "People always using me, saying what they think I want to hear."
"Shall I get out the violins?" asked Jesse.
"You shouldn't be so flippant with someone who has a dart gun pointed at you!" Jane's heart was in her throat as she heard Sandi's words. "You'll either fall into that vat of sludge beneath us after you're shot, or spend your life addicted to ReNew. All the same to me."
An orange-red blur sped infront of Jesse as the Duchess fired. Jane fell upon the iron grating, a dart embedded in her neck.
"NO!!!" Jesse shouted.
"Idiot girl!" shouted the Duchess as the chemicals below bubbled and sulpheric smoke filled the room. "Doesn't she know the slightest spark could set this place ablaze!" Jesse ignored her and took Jane's lifeless body in his arms. Trent came out on the platform. The Duchess fired on him. He used his stretch powers to dodge. Jesse barreled down the catwalk, knocking the Duchess over into a vat of sludge.
"TRENT, RUN!!!" He shouted, carrying Jane. The two of them ran out of the toxic waste plant, just barely jumping out of the blast zone just as the whole building exploded in flame.
"Ever notice," Trent panted. "That when good guys run out of a burning building, they always get out just before the whole thing explodes?"
Jesse didn't say "Wonder why that is?" as Trent expected. He tried to revive Jane. "Janey? Janey, it's me Jesse. Please wake up." he begged as he removed the dart from her neck.
"What happened to her?" Trent was at her side.
Jesse bit back tears. "She shot her, Trent. Shot her with a dart full of ReNew." A shot meant for me.
"Get her in the car. We'll take her home."
Trent burned rubber getting onto the road. Almost as an afterthought, he called the fire department.
"Janey," Jesse whispered to her as she lay across his lap in the backseat. "Those things I said at the Zen, I didn't mean them. I hope you know that." He gave up fighting the tears. "I love you. You're the only one I want to be with, ever. Please, if you love me, come back to me."
"Jesse..." she hoarsly whispered.
"Shh, don't try to talk."
"Cold... so cold." She was shivvering.
"I'll keep you warm." he promised, holding her as close as he dared without hurting her.
Daria had hailed a cab to take her back to the Moreno house. Amy was more than pleased with the sample she brought back. The phone rang. "Daria," said Danny. "It's Trent." She took the phone.
"Trent?"
"Daria, did you get the ReNew back to your aunt?"
"Yeah, she's working on an antidote right now."
"Tell her to put a rush on it. Janey's been hit."
"What!?" No, not Jane.
"I'm in the car now, en route, pedal to the metal. See you in a few."
"Yeah, see you." Daria hung up, fighting the urge to cry. Don't be stupid. she told herself. Did you think you were just playing Cops N Robbers? You knew it wouldn't be long before someone got hurt.
Jesse laid Jane down on the couch. She let her head rest in his lap and murmered to her. Daria and Trent held each other. Danny flopped into an armchair. Jane's skin was pale and clammy. She broke into a sweat and babbled nonsense. Daria grabbed an afghan and covered her. She returned to Trent's arms. Was it to comfort him or to be comforted? She didn't know. The radio blared news about the Lawndale Fire Department bringing a blazing toxic waste plant under control.
"Alright," Amy emerged from the garage. "I've made an antidote that can be taken orally. Open her mouth."
Jesse parted Jane's ruby lips. Amy let drops of blue liquid fall in Jane's mouth and massaged her throat.
"Now what?" asked Jesse.
"Now, we wait." said Amy. "This could take a while. Up to 24 hours."
Jesse took Jane into his arms. "I'll take her to my room. She'll be more comfortable in a bed."
Jesse took Jane into his room and put her in his bed. He made sure she was tucked in and took a chair. She didn't need a tossing and turning body next to her. He needed to be awake anyway, in case she needed him. He closed his eyes. Next thing he knew, the sun was on his face and he heard Jane's voice.
"Jesse..."
"Huh? Janey?"
"Did you get the serial number of the Sherman tank that ran me over?"
"Oh, Janey!" He wrapped his arms around her, choking on a sob.
"I'm OK." she said. "Feel like Hell, though. What happened?"
"Jane, don't ever do that again." he scolded. "I'm not worth dying for."
The events of last night came running back to Jane's mind. "Jesse, I love you." she said. "And I'm every bit as capable of defending you as you are me, so get any macho save the damsel ideas out of your head right now."
"Whatever you say."
"Did you stay up all night for me?"
"Yeah."
"You shouldn't. Not sleeping is bad for you."
"Then Trent must be the healthiest guy in the world."
"Do you hear something?"
"Hear what?" They were both quiet. They heard squeeky peeping sounds. They were coming from Nibble's cage. Jesse came near and smiled. Four miniscule pink pups were wriggling under his pet's fur. He sat on the bed next to Jane. "Nibbles had her babies." He couldn't help himself. He laid back on the bed and laughed with shear joy. Everything was going to be alright.
23 DAYS LATER:
"C'mon, drink it."
"Jesse, I hate this stuff."
"It's TheraFlu, Janey. It'll clear up your sinuses."
Jane begrudgingly sipped the hot liquid. "I feel better than I did yesterday. God, this sucks. It's like the worst case of the flu ever."
"Side effects of the antidote." Jesse explained. "Amy has had us distributing it to as many ReNew heads as we could. Everyone will be back to normal soon, but Lawndale's gonna have a bit of a flu epidemic."
"You've been really good to me, Jess. Thanks."
"It's nothing, really." He took her hand and stroked it. He fondled the engagment ring she wore. Opals and emeralds. Hope and Love. He had recently learned that he had his birthstones mixed up. His birthstone was aquamarine- Courage.
"You're going to be a good father someday."
"Hinting something?" he smiled.
"Not now. I wanna finnish college first. But, you're loving, caring, responsible. You can even be strict when you have to be."
"Janey, will you marry me?"
"You've already asked."
"No I didn't. I babbled like a moron and threw a ring in your face. I can do it right now."
"Yes, Jesse, I'll marry you."
Someone knocked on the door. "Come in." Jesse sighed.
Amy, Daria and Trent came in. Jane hugged her brother and best friend as she lay in her fiance's bed.
"Everyone's back to normal." said Daria. "Or a reasonable fac simile."
"God, all the make up work I'll have to do." Jane groaned.
"We got a notice from some orginization called SHIELD." said Trent. "They were unable to find Dr. Felix or the Duchess after the explosion, be we halted their operation."
"And Daria and I gave a full description of the Boss." said Jesse. "They've been unable to get that much so far."
"What do you have here?" asked Amy, motioning to the cage.
"My pet hamster had babies." said Jesse. "I've been looking for good homes for them. Nibbles has been nipping them when they try to nurse, and they eat the seeds I put out for them, so I think they're ready to leave their mother. I'm keeping the one with the black and white spots. I call her Dotty."
"How about the one with the calico pattern?"
"You can have her, if you promise not to experiment on her or anything."
"I wouldn't dream of it. You did say her?"
Jesse took the young hamster out of the cage. "See how the back end is kinda bowed? Male hamsters kinda taper off. You can have her."
"Thank you. Let's go home, Hypatia."
"Hypatia?" Trent shook his head. What a weird name for a hamster. Well, at least all would be quiet for a while.
Hope this was worth the wait. Final Exams+Christmas+Other Projects=A Long Time Between Updates. And they say I'm bad at math!
I have an idea for another story. May be a while before it's up. It features strange visitors from another time.
And remember, "Drugs are bad, m'kay. You shouldn't take drugs."