Disclaimer: MutantX and its associated characters, locales, etc. are the copyrighted property of Tribune Entertainment et alia and no copyright infringement is intended in the writing of this story. Non-canonical characters, etc. and this story itself are my own and I would appreciate if other writers would request permission before using them. The lyrics beginning this chapter are taken from the song "The Other Side" from Michael W. Smith's album I 2 (Eye) and are used here without permission but with resounding endorsement. Resounding. Really.
Author's Note: Again, thank you so much, reviewers! Keep up the good work! Especially those of you who have taken the time to leave such thoughtful and specific comments; I really appreciate it. Ghemstone: Mae govannen! Your review was a big boost for me. I'm also a big Tolkien fan since childhood. Hiya17735, unfortunately no, I won't be incorporating any Filipino (unsure how the adjective form works out) traditions beyond Fr. Awa's name. I would, but I just don't know enough about the culture/history at this point, and it's not a big element of the plot here. But maybe, just maybe, I might be convinced to bring Father Awa back in a subsequent story, and do the necessary research...if I get enough reviews requesting it. ;) ;)
This new QuickEdit thing keeps eating my asterisks and wreaks havoc if I attempt to include anything resembling a URL, so ----- separates scenes, and and indicate footnotes at the bottom of the page.
Crisis of Faith – Chapter 5
By Deichtine
On Sunday morning, Jesse didn't set his alarm, and so did not see or hear Brennan rise from his bed and quickly dress to go out. Silently, he left his room and strode the length of the concourse toward the garage.
He had just laid his hand on the door handle when Adam's voice spoke from behind him.
"Brennan."
Brennan pulled his hand back as though burned, and only barely contained a yelp of surprise as he turned around. "Adam, you scared me." Almost immediately, the younger man noticed the serious, almost stern expression on his leader's face. He recognized it as Adam's 'asserting authority' expression. "Is something wrong?"
"That's up to you to decide." Brennan's confusion must have been obvious, for Adam continued without pause. "I need to talk to you about something. Where were you headed this morning?"
For just a split second, the idea of telling Adam the truth crossed Brennan's mind, but he immediately rejected it. Adam could never understand, and even if he could, would he believe him? What would he think of him? He'd think he was weak, stupid. Brennan barely thought before he shrugged and lied casually. "Just out. Thought I'd take a jog or something."
"In that coat." Brennan was wearing the long black coat he had worn the first day he joined MutantX. "Brennan, I know where you've been going on Sunday mornings."
Brennan blinked, and he felt his cheeks grow hot and his heart begin to beat faster. "You do? How?"
"That's not important right now. Right now, what's important is that you have betrayed my trust, and the trust of the whole team, and anyone this team has ever helped."
Brennan felt like he'd been slapped; his jaw fell open slightly in shock. "What? How?" he managed finally.
"When you joined this team, you told us you were ready to sever your ties with your old life, and I know how hard that can be, but I cannot allow this to continue. Brennan, did you ever think you getting involved in something like this could put us all in jeopardy?"
Brennan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sure, Adam had always seemed to be more inclined towards New-Age eastern mysticism, or something to that effect – Brennan had never understood it – but he would never have expected he would be openly opposed to Brennan's going to a church. "I – no. I mean, it's not like I'm taking vows, here. I don't understand why this is such a problem for you."
"How much have you told him about us?"
Brennan was getting angry now. "Nothing. Adam, I'm not stupid. I don't get you, man. You're all guilty about everything that happened at Genomex, so obsessed with riding your moral high horse, with finding redemption, but you won't let me find mine?"
Adam crossed his arms across his chest and shook his head. "If you're looking for redemption, Brennan, you're looking in all the wrong places."
Brennan felt his blood go cold, and he felt his jaw clench. He felt like he was seeing Adam for the first time. "Yeah. I think I see that now." He turned again towards the door, but Adam's voice, sharp with warning, stopped him.
"Brennan! I hate to say this, but I can't keep giving you second chances. I won't stop you from leaving, but I have to tell you, you're making a choice right now. If you go out that door, you're leaving Mutant X behind." His face was like flint.
Brennan swallowed, his back still to the man he had started to consider a father-figure, then set his jaw. "I can't believe how wrong I was abut you," he said quietly, then roughly pulled the door open and walked out, allowing it to swing shut behind him.
When he was gone, Adam walked slowly back to the steps leading up to the dojo, and lowered himself heavily to sit on the stairway, his head in his hands.
Oh God, he thought. What have I done?
-----
When Brennan arrived at the church, the service had already begun, and he slipped into a place near the back. He found it difficult to focus on what was going on around him, however; his mind insisted on replaying his fight with Adam, again and again. Why had Adam reacted the way he did? Why would his Catholicism be such a problem for MutantX? He hadn't signed up for the parish potluck and got his name in any databases or anything like that. All he'd done is have a few chats with a priest, for heaven's sake! And though he was normally the last to trust someone to be what they seemed on the surface, Father Awa was the last person he'd ever suspect of being a GSAgent.
He returned to himself briefly to find that the congregation was seated all around him and the first reading was beginning, and, embarrassed, he quickly sat as well, but immediately his mind returned to its former path. He felt like crying, shouting, punching something, anything! Why, God? He demanded silently. I thought you wanted me to come to you. I was just trying to do something right for a change. Why does everything that I try to do good in this world always turn out so wrong? Oh, God, I wanted it to work, so much...What do I do now?
He brooded thus throughout the hour-long Mass, rousing himself from his introspection only long enough to stand or sit, to exchange the obligatory handshakes at the Sign of Peace.
The closing hymn had barely finished when he looked up to see Father Awa headed towards him, one eyebrow raised questioningly. Brennan looked up at him, rolling his eyes upward without moving his head.
"No thanks, Father. I don't want to talk about it."
Awa's eyebrow rose a little further. "Kapag apaw na ang takalan, kailangan kalus an" he pronounced, and at the stream of unfamiliar words, Brennan finally really looked up at him.
"What?"
"It's an old Tagalog proverb. 'When the pot is running over, you need to spill some' . Your pot has been boiling over ever since you walked in here this morning, and it's been running all over the floor and making a heck of a mess. So come on and we'll spill you properly."
Brennan couldn't help but smile a little at Awa's gentle chiding, and, pushing himself up on the back of the pew in front of him, he followed the priest back into his little office.
"You know," he remarked as they took their seats, "You really are a very nosy guy. Is that something they teach you guys at priest school or something?"
"Seminary," Awa corrected him as he hung his vestments on the back of the door and sat down. "It's called a seminary."
"Oh, sorry. My mistake."
"And no, I'm just naturally a very nosy man. I'm also an...um...how do you say it? A matigas ang ulo...a hard-head, a stubborn man . Come on, Bubbly-pot, spill your beans. What has happened, that you look so pale?"
Brennan told him how Adam had confronted him that morning, and the ultimatum he had given him.
Awa digested this a moment. "Well, from the fact that you are here, I can guess what you chose. But, Brennan, tell me. Why were you hiding your faith? Why didn't you just tell him the truth about it in the beginning?"
Brennan sighed, stood up, and paced a little in the tight quarters. "I don't know. I guess I just didn't think he'd understand." Father Awa just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "Okay, that's not all. I was...ashamed, I guess. Going to Church on Sunday morning, 'finding Jesus,' as Mike would put it, just didn't seem to jive with who I was to them, the Brennan they know. To them, I'm the street-wise tough guy who's always got the smart comeback. I didn't want to look...weak."
Father Awa nodded in understanding. "Brennan, honesty is never weakness," he said, more gently now. "Often, it is the courage to be honest that requires the most strength. Don't you see? You haven't been honest with them either. You said it yourself – you are not letting them see the real you, only your mask, and these sound like very perceptive people. Are you really so surprised they didn't feel they could trust you?"
Brennan scrubbed his fingers roughly through his hair, causing it to stand up in spiky disarray. "I guess you're right. But that still doesn't explain how weird Adam was acting this morning."
"That's true. But something tells me, Brennan, that neither one of you knows the whole story here, and that if you go to Adam and be honest with him – about everything – you will find him willing to admit he was mistaken."
"So I'm just supposed to show up at Sanc- at his place and say I'm sorry, let's talk?" Brennan asked incredulously. Awa nodded, completely serious. Brennan shook his head, then finally asked ruefully, "Don't I need to do some gambling, and feed some pigs or something first?"
The old priest laughed aloud. "No, no, no, nothing so smelly as all that. But if you really want to start fresh, you have to empty the pot completely, clean it out. Did you give any thought to what I asked you about last week?"
"What, Confession? Yeah, I guess."
"What do you think?"
"I don't know. It still seems kind of weird."
"Well, really, it's no different than how we've been talking, you know. Just more – well, sacred. And when you are finished, you will be free from the sins you have been carrying around with you. It's rough, but it cleanses."
Brennan grinned. "Kind of a spiritual scouring pad, eh?"
Father Awa chuckled and returned the grin. "Exactly. S.O.S. – Save Our Souls." He reached across the desk and opened one of the drawers to withdraw a long, narrow purple strip of cloth. He kissed the stole, the kiss of an old friend, and placed it around his neck, leaving the ends hanging down in front.
"So am I supposed to kneel or something?" Brennan asked, feeling suddenly awkward as the atmosphere in the room seemed to somehow to have become hushed, expectant.
"You can if you want, but most people just prefer to sit in the chair there. I can look away if it makes you more comfortable."
Brennan shook his head and sat down again. "Nah, that's okay." Following Father Awa's example, he made the sign of the cross, and took a deep breath. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I hope you're nice and comfy – this might take awhile."
-----
When Brennan left the church, he felt somehow, indefinably lighter, as though a weight he hadn't been aware he was carrying had been lifted from him. If he'd had to describe it aloud, he would have said it was like having very long, thick hair, and then having it cut very short, all at once. He felt...free.
At first, he almost didn't notice the two police cruisers parked in front of the church. His distraction quickly evaporated, however, as a man in a tan overcoat, who had been leaning against the hood of one of the cars, pulled a badge from an inside pocket of his tan overcoat and approached him, accompanied by another officer in uniform. Suddenly, Brennan was very aware of the fact that, hovering near the cruisers, two more uniformed officers were waiting, watching alertly, hands ready on the pistol butts at their hips.
"Brennan Mulwray?" the man in the overcoat asked him as Brennan reached the bottom of the steps.
Brennan nodded warily. "Yeah."
"Detective Lewis." The man put his badge back in his pocket. "You're under arrest for armed robbery and accessory to insurance fraud, as well as four counts of theft. Put your hands on the hood of the car please." As Brennan leaned against the car, "assuming the position" and the man efficiently patted him down for weapons and launched into the Miranda rights, Brennan thought how easy it would be to knock down the overconfident detective, send a tesla coil at the one uniform while spinning to meet the others, and make his escape. He could see each move in his mind's eye, and over a decade of street living made effecting that escape almost instinctive. How easy it would be. Compared to the GSA, these guys were nothing.
But instead, he set his jaw, and did not resist as his hands were cuffed tightly behind him and he was steered towards the backseat of the cruiser. As he lifted a long leg into the car, he looked back up at the church and saw Father Awa watching from the doorway. The priest looked sad, but when he caught Brennan's eye, he nodded, and smiled his gentle encouragement. Then a hand on Brennan's head urged him into the car, and they left the church behind.
-----
Adam was in the lab, trying in vain to distract himself from his troubled emotions by calibrating the DNA extracting laser, when he heard footsteps pounding down the concourse. A moment later Jesse appeared, running hard, and skidded to a stop in the doorway. "Adam!" he said, breathing hard.
"We have com rings for a reason, you know," Adam remarked as the young man caught his breath.
Jesse waved com rings aside impatiently. "Adam," he repeated. "You've gotta come see Proxy Blue. The police have just arrested the Hickman and Wrightson thief."
"And?"
"It's Brennan."
End of Chapter 5.
Sorry for the short chapter! Next chapter should be longer; this is probably the third last.
1. Hiya17735, these little bits of Tagalog are for you. The proverb comes from John Reyes' article "Salawikain: Filipino Proverbs" found online at h t t p : w w w . a n g e l f i r e . c o m / o n 4 / z a m b a l e s f o r u m / f i l i p i n o p r o v e r b s . h t m
2. This idiom comes from the list of Tagalog idioms at the Seasite Project at Northern Illinois University, found online at h t t p : w w w . s e a s i t e . n i u . e d u / T a g a l o g / T a g a l o g m a i n p a g e . h t m