You Get Me—chapter 12
"I don't believe it!" Tahiri exclaimed as her door swished shut behind her. Instinctively, her fists balled and clenched at her sides as she surveyed her room for something to punch. The anger coursing through her veins at that exact moment nearly frightened her and she took a calming breath and released her hands.
"Get a grip, Tahiri," she told herself softly, continuing to inhale and exhale at a much more peace-inducing rate. Lowering herself onto the edge of the bed, Tahiri felt the hot tears begin to pool in her eyes and fought in vain to hold them back. Finally, they escaped down her cheeks and she quickly wiped them away with the backs of her hands.
What had she expected anyway? When she and Jacen had been standing under the Mon Calamari moonlight, had she really expected him to declare his undying love for her? To tell her that these past few weeks they had spent together had shown him how he couldn't live without her? Could that possibly have been what he was about to say before Jaina interrupted, beckoning them inside so that Leia's news of Tenel Ka's imminent arrival could smack her in the face?
No, she answered herself with a snort. Jacen didn't love her. He couldn't--- not when the look on his face at the mention of Tenel Ka's name said more than words ever could. Anakin had told her of Jacen's longtime love for Tenel Ka, an emotion that had existed far longer than the month or so she herself had experienced with him. Whatever Jacen might possibly have been starting to feel for Tahiri, it could certainly never compare with what he felt for the present Hapan queen.
Tahiri snorted again, adding a little chuckle to go along with it.
A queen, for Sith's sake! How could a scruffy, half-Vong orphan ever compete with the queen of a whole star system? Easy--- she couldn't, so she wouldn't even try. Why expend energy on something hopeless?
She sighed and rose to get ready for bed. As she crawled under the covers and snuggled in, a tiny little thought popped into her exhausted mind.
What if he had been going to express his feelings for her? That would explain the strange look in his eyes, the gentle way he held her hand, the soft, pleading sound of his voice as he begged her to stay with him on the balcony. Maybe----
No. No, it was pointless to hope--- foolish to think the two of them could ever have any kind of relationship. She should have followed her first instinct, which was to avoid any contact with him. Why, only several weeks ago she had hated him for even being alive and now here she was pining after him, wishing desperately that he needed her as much as she had come to need him.
Well, no more, she resolved. She was finished needing people in her life. She had needed her parents and look what had happened. Then she had needed Anakin. And now, Jacen. But not anymore. As of this moment, she was going to be emotionally self-sufficient. Her heart was her own and it would stay nice and safe behind the impenetrable walls she would build around it.
So then--- that was that. Who cared what Jacen Solo had been about to say to her? Certainly not her. She didn't need Jacen.
She wouldn't need Jacen.
She couldn't need Jacen.
And eventually, she fell asleep.
Jacen sat cross-legged on the floor of his quarters and tried one more time to meditate.
"Let the Force flow through you," he said quietly, his eyes closed as he took another deep breath and tried to focus on finding a peaceful center. In the midst of some of the worst of his torture at the hands of the Vong, he had still been able to distance himself from the pain and find a calm spot in the storm raging around him. However, when the thoughts of the evening's events started creeping back into his mind, Jacen simply sighed and conceded defeat. He rose and entered the refresher, hoping a hot shower would relax him and help him get to sleep.
How had things come to this point? His heart was so confused, torn between his old feelings for Tenel Ka and his burgeoning feelings for Tahiri. The mere mention of Tenel Ka's name still sent a tingle up his spine. She had been his first crush--- the first girl he had ever loved, even if it had been unrequited. She had never really returned his sentiments, always content to keep their relationship a close friendship despite his many attempts to deepen it. Then, the Yuuzhan Vong had entered the picture, and any thoughts of romance had instantly been pushed to the side as the long years of galactic war ensued.
There had been those few moments during the Myrkr mission when he had a glimpse of what could possibly happen between the two of them. But then disaster struck and he had been captured. Jaina told him later how Tenel Ka had grieved for him during the time he'd been thought dead, and he had to admit that he was pleased to know of her reaction. However, he was a different person now--- no longer that boy who desperately wanted her attention at all costs, but a man who had suffered much and come out of the pain a different person.
Enter Tahiri.
She was equally as strong as Tenel Ka, yet so different in nearly every other way. Whereas Tenel was all seriousness, Tahiri enjoyed a bit of silliness and even laughed at his jokes from time to time. She hadn't had the advantages in life that the Hapan princess---no, queen, he corrected himself--- had benefited from. Tahiri, like himself, had endured much pain and loss and was still willing to look for the good in life. True, at first he had been hesitant to look at her as a woman, but for all intents and purposes, she was just that. And he delighted in the time he spent with her, whether they be busy working at the refugee camp or simply having a meal together. She was now a part of him--- a part he was not sure he could live without.
Maybe all of this worry was for nothing. Just because Tenel Ka was coming did not mean that she was going to declare her love for him.
But if she did, then what? What would he do? How would he respond? Would he jump at the chance to fulfill a teenage dream with Tenel Ka?---- or venture forward into the unknown adult world and take a chance that Tahiri wanted to join him?
He turned off the water and stepped out to dry himself off. The shower had helped his body, but his mind was still a flurry of activity, and as he gazed into the mirror, the face staring back startled him.
"Anakin?" he sputtered, and then spun around.
"Put on some pants, man!" Anakin said. "I don't need to see that."
Jacen blinked hard to make sure he wasn't dreaming and determined that he was not. It was really Anakin standing in front of him--- or rather, Anakin's glowing, blue image. He remembered seeing it on Yuuzhantar and knew from Tahiri's description that she had seen Anakin in the same form.
Anakin's vision smirked as he stood with his arms crossed. "Um, Jace?--- pants, please."
Jacen snapped out of his stunned stupor and quickly donned his sleep pants. Anakin had walked out into the bedroom and plopped down on Jacen's bed, and Jacen followed.
"Thanks for putting on some clothes. It makes it a lot easier to talk to you," Anakin stated teasingly.
Jacen chuckled. "Jealous?" he asked, relishing these few fleeting moments with his brother.
"You wish!" Anakin replied. "But I didn't come here to discuss--- well, you know."
"Yeah, I kind of figured that," Jacen said. "Why did you come? I haven't seen you for a while. I miss you."
Anakin gazed back at his big brother and placed a hand on Jacen's shoulder. It was just a whisper of a touch, Anakin's illuminated image barely there at all.
"I miss you, too, Jace." A moment of silence passed before he continued. "How's Tahiri?"
Jacen started at the mention of her name, and a guilty flush crept onto his cheeks.
"I know, Jacen. And you don't have to feel guilty about it. So, how is she?"
Jacen cleared his throat and then responded. "She's good--- real good. We've been volunteering at a refugee camp, and it's been great for her. I think she's starting to---" Jacen stopped abruptly and looked away.
"What?" Anakin asked. "Starting to get over me? Jacen, don't be ashamed to say it. That's what I want. It's what she needs--- to heal. And you're the best man for the job."
Jacen stared at his younger brother and shook his head. "How did you become so wise, little brother?"
"Death will do that to you, you know," Anakin joked and another silence followed. "So," he said finally, "big decisions coming up, eh?"
Jacen narrowed his gaze and chuckled, amazed at the insight this apparition displayed. "Possibly--- possibly. Any words of advice?"
"You asking me for advice," Anakin quipped. "Now that's something I never imagined I'd hear in my lifetime! But then, it didn't really happen during my lifetime, did it? Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
"My advice? Do what you know you should--- do what you truly want. Trust your feelings. And don't worry about mine. I think I already told you what I think back on Myrkr."
Jacen perked at the mention of those quick words from Anakin's last moments.
"Speaking of that, I've been wanting to ask you what exactly you meant by—"
Anakin's hand immediately went up to stop Jacen from saying anymore. "You don't need me to explain. The answer is already there," he said pointing to Jacen's heart, "and there," pointing to Jacen's head. "Just don't let the chance pass you by. See ya, Jace."
And with that, Anakin was gone.
"I don't believe it!" Tahiri exclaimed as her door swished shut behind her. Instinctively, her fists balled and clenched at her sides as she surveyed her room for something to punch. The anger coursing through her veins at that exact moment nearly frightened her and she took a calming breath and released her hands.
"Get a grip, Tahiri," she told herself softly, continuing to inhale and exhale at a much more peace-inducing rate. Lowering herself onto the edge of the bed, Tahiri felt the hot tears begin to pool in her eyes and fought in vain to hold them back. Finally, they escaped down her cheeks and she quickly wiped them away with the backs of her hands.
What had she expected anyway? When she and Jacen had been standing under the Mon Calamari moonlight, had she really expected him to declare his undying love for her? To tell her that these past few weeks they had spent together had shown him how he couldn't live without her? Could that possibly have been what he was about to say before Jaina interrupted, beckoning them inside so that Leia's news of Tenel Ka's imminent arrival could smack her in the face?
No, she answered herself with a snort. Jacen didn't love her. He couldn't--- not when the look on his face at the mention of Tenel Ka's name said more than words ever could. Anakin had told her of Jacen's longtime love for Tenel Ka, an emotion that had existed far longer than the month or so she herself had experienced with him. Whatever Jacen might possibly have been starting to feel for Tahiri, it could certainly never compare with what he felt for the present Hapan queen.
Tahiri snorted again, adding a little chuckle to go along with it.
A queen, for Sith's sake! How could a scruffy, half-Vong orphan ever compete with the queen of a whole star system? Easy--- she couldn't, so she wouldn't even try. Why expend energy on something hopeless?
She sighed and rose to get ready for bed. As she crawled under the covers and snuggled in, a tiny little thought popped into her exhausted mind.
What if he had been going to express his feelings for her? That would explain the strange look in his eyes, the gentle way he held her hand, the soft, pleading sound of his voice as he begged her to stay with him on the balcony. Maybe----
No. No, it was pointless to hope--- foolish to think the two of them could ever have any kind of relationship. She should have followed her first instinct, which was to avoid any contact with him. Why, only several weeks ago she had hated him for even being alive and now here she was pining after him, wishing desperately that he needed her as much as she had come to need him.
Well, no more, she resolved. She was finished needing people in her life. She had needed her parents and look what had happened. Then she had needed Anakin. And now, Jacen. But not anymore. As of this moment, she was going to be emotionally self-sufficient. Her heart was her own and it would stay nice and safe behind the impenetrable walls she would build around it.
So then--- that was that. Who cared what Jacen Solo had been about to say to her? Certainly not her. She didn't need Jacen.
She wouldn't need Jacen.
She couldn't need Jacen.
And eventually, she fell asleep.
Jacen sat cross-legged on the floor of his quarters and tried one more time to meditate.
"Let the Force flow through you," he said quietly, his eyes closed as he took another deep breath and tried to focus on finding a peaceful center. In the midst of some of the worst of his torture at the hands of the Vong, he had still been able to distance himself from the pain and find a calm spot in the storm raging around him. However, when the thoughts of the evening's events started creeping back into his mind, Jacen simply sighed and conceded defeat. He rose and entered the refresher, hoping a hot shower would relax him and help him get to sleep.
How had things come to this point? His heart was so confused, torn between his old feelings for Tenel Ka and his burgeoning feelings for Tahiri. The mere mention of Tenel Ka's name still sent a tingle up his spine. She had been his first crush--- the first girl he had ever loved, even if it had been unrequited. She had never really returned his sentiments, always content to keep their relationship a close friendship despite his many attempts to deepen it. Then, the Yuuzhan Vong had entered the picture, and any thoughts of romance had instantly been pushed to the side as the long years of galactic war ensued.
There had been those few moments during the Myrkr mission when he had a glimpse of what could possibly happen between the two of them. But then disaster struck and he had been captured. Jaina told him later how Tenel Ka had grieved for him during the time he'd been thought dead, and he had to admit that he was pleased to know of her reaction. However, he was a different person now--- no longer that boy who desperately wanted her attention at all costs, but a man who had suffered much and come out of the pain a different person.
Enter Tahiri.
She was equally as strong as Tenel Ka, yet so different in nearly every other way. Whereas Tenel was all seriousness, Tahiri enjoyed a bit of silliness and even laughed at his jokes from time to time. She hadn't had the advantages in life that the Hapan princess---no, queen, he corrected himself--- had benefited from. Tahiri, like himself, had endured much pain and loss and was still willing to look for the good in life. True, at first he had been hesitant to look at her as a woman, but for all intents and purposes, she was just that. And he delighted in the time he spent with her, whether they be busy working at the refugee camp or simply having a meal together. She was now a part of him--- a part he was not sure he could live without.
Maybe all of this worry was for nothing. Just because Tenel Ka was coming did not mean that she was going to declare her love for him.
But if she did, then what? What would he do? How would he respond? Would he jump at the chance to fulfill a teenage dream with Tenel Ka?---- or venture forward into the unknown adult world and take a chance that Tahiri wanted to join him?
He turned off the water and stepped out to dry himself off. The shower had helped his body, but his mind was still a flurry of activity, and as he gazed into the mirror, the face staring back startled him.
"Anakin?" he sputtered, and then spun around.
"Put on some pants, man!" Anakin said. "I don't need to see that."
Jacen blinked hard to make sure he wasn't dreaming and determined that he was not. It was really Anakin standing in front of him--- or rather, Anakin's glowing, blue image. He remembered seeing it on Yuuzhantar and knew from Tahiri's description that she had seen Anakin in the same form.
Anakin's vision smirked as he stood with his arms crossed. "Um, Jace?--- pants, please."
Jacen snapped out of his stunned stupor and quickly donned his sleep pants. Anakin had walked out into the bedroom and plopped down on Jacen's bed, and Jacen followed.
"Thanks for putting on some clothes. It makes it a lot easier to talk to you," Anakin stated teasingly.
Jacen chuckled. "Jealous?" he asked, relishing these few fleeting moments with his brother.
"You wish!" Anakin replied. "But I didn't come here to discuss--- well, you know."
"Yeah, I kind of figured that," Jacen said. "Why did you come? I haven't seen you for a while. I miss you."
Anakin gazed back at his big brother and placed a hand on Jacen's shoulder. It was just a whisper of a touch, Anakin's illuminated image barely there at all.
"I miss you, too, Jace." A moment of silence passed before he continued. "How's Tahiri?"
Jacen started at the mention of her name, and a guilty flush crept onto his cheeks.
"I know, Jacen. And you don't have to feel guilty about it. So, how is she?"
Jacen cleared his throat and then responded. "She's good--- real good. We've been volunteering at a refugee camp, and it's been great for her. I think she's starting to---" Jacen stopped abruptly and looked away.
"What?" Anakin asked. "Starting to get over me? Jacen, don't be ashamed to say it. That's what I want. It's what she needs--- to heal. And you're the best man for the job."
Jacen stared at his younger brother and shook his head. "How did you become so wise, little brother?"
"Death will do that to you, you know," Anakin joked and another silence followed. "So," he said finally, "big decisions coming up, eh?"
Jacen narrowed his gaze and chuckled, amazed at the insight this apparition displayed. "Possibly--- possibly. Any words of advice?"
"You asking me for advice," Anakin quipped. "Now that's something I never imagined I'd hear in my lifetime! But then, it didn't really happen during my lifetime, did it? Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
"My advice? Do what you know you should--- do what you truly want. Trust your feelings. And don't worry about mine. I think I already told you what I think back on Myrkr."
Jacen perked at the mention of those quick words from Anakin's last moments.
"Speaking of that, I've been wanting to ask you what exactly you meant by—"
Anakin's hand immediately went up to stop Jacen from saying anymore. "You don't need me to explain. The answer is already there," he said pointing to Jacen's heart, "and there," pointing to Jacen's head. "Just don't let the chance pass you by. See ya, Jace."
And with that, Anakin was gone.