Title: Lost Author: Serendipity Summary: What happens next. Authors Notes: Character Death from previous chapter. Multiple POV Category: Hurt, Comfort, Agnst, S/J Dedicated to Kathy

Sam's Pov

Oh god!!

I watch as Colonel O'Neill and Daniel come running past me through the gate. Both looking...I don't now how to describe it, sad.

Daniel especially.

"Sir..." I call out to him, as he goes by me.

"Carter, through the gate, NOW!" he yells at me.

"Yes, Sir." I follow through the gate.

Janet was hit, Janet was hurt...My mind is racing.

When we make it through to the SGC, she is carted off like we have been over the last several years to the infirmary.

I have to go and see her, make sure she is ok.

As I walk forward, the Colonel, stops me as the General comes up to us and asks what happened on the planet.

I can't tell him for once, so I lower my head and find my boots even more interesting.

But in truth I can't, I wasn't there.

And all I want to do is make sure my friend is ok.

The others pick up on my distress, I think they know more then I about her actual health then they are telling me.

A few moments later, the General dismisses us, and I had over my weapons.

This is it Sam, its now or never.

Slowly I make my way out of the gateroom. I am moving slowly, like I am actually stalling finding out how my friend is.

Daniel and the Colonel have already walked out and are most likely headed in to the same destination as I.

I turn around to see Teal'c behind me. The big brother I have always wanted.

These people are my family.

"MajorCarter, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, let's go see how Doctor Fraiser is doing." I put on a fake smile, and continue on my way.

I know he knows I am lying. But still he doesn't say a word.

I know for some reason he will find me later somewhere and try to talk to me once again.

Because we are his family now too.

We make to the infirmary and see the Colonel talking to Daniel outside, it looks like he is crying.

Oh no!

"Sir?" I ask hesitantly.

I look up at the two men in front of me, I don't know what to say. I know she is gone, but I need to hear it for myself.

"Sir?" I ask again, my voice a whisper, I hope he can hear me, I don't want to have to repeat myself. I know I can't handle it.

"She's gone Carter. There was nothing they could do."

Oh God.

She's gone.

I don't think I can deal with this right now.

So what do I do? I run, like always.

I don't know where I am going.. I don't think it matters.

I know I ran threw a few people on my way to the locker room. At least that's where I ended up. I didn't want everyone on base to see me cry, and I know the tears are coming.

Thank god no one is in here... I change the sign on the wall outside and walk in and slowly make my way over to Janet's locker. As I gently rub my fingers over her name, the tears finally start to fall.

Before I know it, I am sitting in a crumble on the floor crying my eyes out.

My best friend is gone.

I have no clue how long I sat here in the same spot, my knees pulled up to my chest, but it feels like I have lost all the feeling in the lower part of my body.

That brings a laugh to me, Janet would always say something like that to me.

God I miss her already.

I think I am okay now. That I can hold it together till I get home at least.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I have started to take off my boots at this point, when I hear the door open and someone walk inside.

"MajorCarter..." Teal'c, I told you he would find me again.

I also know he doesn't know what to say either.

I know I don't.

He sits down next to me on the bunch and looks over at me.

"I am for a lack of words."

"Me too Teal'c."

"MajorFraiser was a fine warrior, and a dear friend. She will be missed."

I know this, I miss her already.

And for the third of forth time today, I have lost count really, I cry.

Teal'c reaches over and brings me into an embrace.

After a few moments, I have to say something, I have to get this off my chest so to speak.

"She told me there was something off before we left this morning. Janet knew something bad was going to happen on this mission today."

I play with the tissue in my hands, looking for the answers I would never find there.

"How would she know that MajorCarter?"

"She just had this feeling, she was really nervous this morning." I pause for a moment, "I should of said something, made her stay here. I should of done something."

"There was nothing you could of done MajorCarter."

"I let her die Teal'c. It was my fault."

"That is untrue."

Okay, I am beyond hysterical, I am down right mad, mad at me, mad at Janet, mad at everyone."

This is not your fault, I hear Teal'c telling me, in a way I know that's true. But I can't bring myself to believe it.

I want my friend back.

I sent her to her death. I didn't report her feelings to Colonel O'Neill, to General Hammond.

I should of done something.

This is my fault.

I start to fight against Teal'c, I want him to let me go, I want to bring Janet back. I know there is no way I could ever really DO anything to him, so I don't know why I bother trying, but fighting against the truth is....

God I need to get home.

Home to what? Are we really a family here? What do I have in my life?

An empty house? A cool car and cycle... but that's it.

God I feel so alone.

This is all my fault.

I miss my friend.

Damn it I am crying again.

Am I ever going to stop?

I don't know when but Teal'c left. That's ok though, I just want to be alone.

No one should be near me right now.

Teal'c POV

I am worried about MajorCarter.

I have never seen her like this before. Even when O'Neill was missing, twice.

Does she not know that this is not her fault?

Major Carter is a fine warrior, and the best of friend.

She should not be in this state.

She needs our help.

I must go find O'Neill.

Carter's POV

I have to get out of here, and as fast as I can.

Shit, Cassie!

I have to get Cassie.

Good god what am I going to tell her? That she lost another mother?

I can't do this.

I don't know how.

God I am a mess.

Janet would know what to do in this situation.

Damn, I am crying again.

Why do I feel so alone?

Quickly I grab my things and basically run out of the locker room and towards the elevator.

Signing out with the Airmen I make my way to my car.

I am never going to get through this night.

Some loud music later and lots of tears, I finally make it to Janet's home. A home that when I walk in I won't be embraced by my best friend, we wont sit at the dining room table and obsess over men and drink wine.

We won't have any more team nights here with pizza and beer, and wonder how she beats the pants off the guys at poker.

God what am I going to do?

Slowly I exit my car, and walk up the front steps. Before I could open the door, Cassie is opening the door throwing herself at me.

I think she can tell that something happened. She always calls her mom when she gets home from school.

Today she didn't get to do that.

Cassie lost her mom.

"Sam, what's...." She paused and looked at me closely, "What happened to mom?"

"Honey, lets go inside."

We walk in and close the door.

Can I do this?

"Sam, where's mom? Why are you crying?"

Then it dawns on her.

"Oh no, Sam, no...no she can't be!!" I am getting the same reaction from her, as what Teal'c received from me.

I don't know what to say, I am crying again, I don't think I have ever stopped. As I reach for her, she tries to pull away but I won't let her.

"No, no, no, no...I want my mom!" She is crying over and over.

I know honey, I want her too.

We sit there on the couch for the longest time. I think we were both trying to gather strength from each other.

I am not sure we can get through this.

I feel like I lost my sister and Cassie, yet another mom.

"Why Sam, I asked her not to go through the gate today."

I didn't respond.

"I wanted her to stay on the base, let you guys bring the injured to her. I knew this was going to happen."

"She told me the same thing this morning before we left."

Cassie looks up at me, angry.

"And you let her! Sam you should of stopped her. Should have told her not to go!"

"I know I should of, this is all my fault."

My admission stops her in her tracks.

"I am so sorry Cassie, I never wanted this to happen."

Cassie looks up at me, "Sam, it's not your fault. Mom was being mom."

I look away, how could she not think it was my fault?

I blame me, how can Cassie not blame me.

The look on Daniel's face told me he blamed me as well.