Title: Alone Author: Serendipity Summary: What happens now? Category: Agnst/S/J/Drama/Multiple Pov Authors Notes: Things happen a bit different in here...but hey it's a story, I can change a few things ( Enjoy. Dedicated to Kathy

O'Neill

I know how I am dealing with the loss of the Doc, I can imagine what Carter is going through.

Actually I can't, not totally anyway.

I have lost friends in battle before. But there is nothing that can prepare you for the loss, the emptiness, the guilt.

And that's what can eat you alive.

I know its eating me right now. I don't know what to do, Doc, even with her big needles, was a good friend to me. One of my best friends, no matter how many times she stuck me with those big ass needles of hers.

Personally I think she enjoyed it way to much.

This is how I deal, I get real sarcastic. Yes, worse then I usually am.

I miss the dinners at her house, the picnics with Cassie in the park, the team, ahh hell, the family outings that we all went too.

Not that I would admit it.

I guess I am doing okay, well a lot better then Daniel is.

He is a mess.

He told me that this is almost as bad as losing his parents.

I think he really had feelings for her, although he never said anything to any of us.

And just that thought is bringing a whole different train of thought into my head, that I know I am not ready to think about.

Although, as much as the idea is appealing to me...

I walked Daniel to his office, he had insisted in saying goodbye to her in the infirmary, and much to my dismay, he went in. I heard him speaking in hushed tones to her, but I don't know what was said.

It was none of my business, he was robbed of something in life, that now he has lost twice.

It is unfair.

Daniel said he wanted to be alone, that he was going to go home.

I am wondering if I should ask if he wanted company, maybe I will find Teal'c and send him to check on him later.

After everything that we all have gone through together, I feel like I have to be strong for my team mates, my family.

I can't let them see me upset, angry, or sad...I have to be the strong one.

I'll deny I ever said that if anyone asks.

Now I am just roaming the hallways of the SGC... I don't want to me alone, but I don't know where to go either.

As I round the corner, yup, I am totally in my thoughts I run into Teal'c.

Opps.

"O'Neill." He says to me.

I can tell by the look in his eyes, that he isn't fairing to well either.

"Hey T."

"I am concerned about MajorCarter..."

"Come on T, lets go get something to eat." I guide him around the corner to the commissary.

When we sit at our regular table, I have to ask... Hoping that Carter Is really ok.. well as okay as she can be.

"So what has you concerned about Carter, is she okay?"

"No I do not believe MajorCarter is alright. She is deeply troubled, and is grieving."

"We all are T."

"Not in the same way O'Neill." He stops, "I believe MajorCarter blames herself for what happened to DoctorFraiser."

"What happened..." I start with a raised voice, "was not her fault." I finish in a hushed tone, looking around to make sure not to many people where interested in what I was saying. Not that I care anyway.

"MajorCarter believes it is O'Neill." He deadpans, "I am very concerned she might do something irrational."

Well that certainly got my attention.

"Is she still here?"

"I believe she left."

I didn't even say goodbye, I just got up and left poor Teal'c sitting at the table alone.

A quick check with the Airmen, I found out that she had left the base.

With the sudden urge to see Carter. Its like a force, and you can't stop it.

SO, Off I go.

As I made the drive over to Carters, I am trying to figure out what exactly to say to her.

I know that right now, I just need to be near her, for whatever it is worth.

I need her.

Plain and simple.

There are so many things that I want from her.

Losing Doc, it made me open my eyes. I mean she wasn't even on the front line. She has only been through the gate maybe five times.

I go through the damn thing like two or three times a week...and well I am still here.

I look at Daniel and I see a man who lost the two most important people in his life. One he didn't have any control over, he didn't even have time to tell her what he felt.

I don't want that to be me.

I think my truck automatically knows its way to Carter's because for some reason I don't remember any of the ride here and I am pulling into her...empty drive way.

This is all catching up to me I think.

Actually I know. I can't deal with this.

I just lost one of my best friends.

And I need my other best friend, and she's not here. Oh god what if something happened to her? What if she had an accident on the way home, and she is on the side of the road somewhere hurt.

I can't lose her.

I can't, I just can't.

I know now that this has caught up to me.

It has started to rain outside, I haven't made it from my truck yet to the door.

The rain is not that bad, I mean its like my insides right now. A mess.

And I feel lonely, and incomplete, and sad, angry.. you name it.

Its finally dark out by now, and I am worried...

This feels almost like when I lost Charlie, granted not as tough, obviously, but its right up there.

I didn't notice until I wiped at my eyes, but I am crying.

I am actually sitting in my truck in front of Carter's house, in the rain and dark. Crying.

What would she think if she saw me like this?

In a way I want to be able to be like this with her. I want to e able to share everything with this woman.

In my musing, I don't see the headlights pull in behind me, and I don't hear the two doors close either.

Suddenly, Carter is standing outside my door looking through at me with red teary eyes.

The sight just brings me right back to tears myself.

I look over and see Cassie who has come to stand next to Carter, looking the same as the two of us.

"Come inside Sir." She says, and I am not even sure how I heard here through the glass.

As she walks towards the house, I slowly climb out of my truck and follow her.