"Draco, that was the best thing I've ever witnessed," Snape purred. "The horrified look on his face pleased me to no end."

"I wish I could have been there to see it," Draco pouted.

"I wish you could have been there too. I don't think I've ever been more proud of you in my entire life. You're like the son I never had, because I'm so gross and slimy no man or woman would ever touch me," he cried with misty eyes.

"Oh Severus, you're like the father I've always wanted," Draco cried back, moved by his Professor's powerful emotions.

They drew together in a tight hug, clinging as tears streamed down their face as they wailed

The Hufflepuffs were gathered around, chatting in their own secret language. Very few people knew that they had their own language, but upon becoming a Hufflepuff, each new student had to learn it.

The conversation sounded serious, as if they were having an important philosophical debate, but for all anyone else knew, they could have been talking about what they liked on their pizza.

The conversation grew quiet as they picked up the sound of wailing coming from the general direction of the Slytherin camp. Most of the Hufflepuffs were unconcerned by the sound. They could care less if at this very moment a rabid werewolf were chomping down on young Slytherins. None of them believed this though. If a werewolf were to wander into the Slytherin camp, knowing the Slytherins they'd probably befriend it and let it loose on their fellow classmates.

A noise nearby caused them to jump in surprise as Dobby the house elf entered the clearing. He was covered head to toe in pink paint, except for two small white things sticking out of his ears. The girls realized to their disgust, that the whitish objects were in fact tampons.

He ran through the camp, flailing his arms over his head with a mad look in his eyes, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs, "DOS EQUIS!" before disappearing into the woods once more.

"Ouv ack toop," one of the students said. The others nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, another house elf came stumbling into the clearing as well.

Winky scanned the gathering, before swaggering over to an oddly shaped tree trunk in the center of the camp.

"Oh Dobby," she cooed, looking blearily at the tree stump. "I have something I want to show you."

The Hufflepuffs watched her in confusion. "Uon ouv ack toop." They nodded in agreement.

"Oops, I did it again," she wailed in her drunken rendition of the Brittany Spears song, while slowly peeling away her clothes. "I made you believe, we're more than just friends."

Slowly, a look of horror spread across their faces.

"I never wanted to lose my innocence like this," a boy in the crowd wailed.

The look of horror had not completely faded from the faces of the Hufflepuffs when morning came. A few were twitchy, but most were just plain traumatized.

The Slytherins had an extremely annoying look of utter happiness on their faces.

The Ravenclaws looked disgruntled because they had not once been mentioned in this story until just now.

And the Gryffindors all looked like they had a bad case of PMS. They had been unable to sleep two nights in a row. The first night because of fear of werewolves and psychotic mass murders and the second night because of a spooky wailing that could be heard clear across camp.

The teachers looked upset, exhausted, and exasperated, except Snape of course, he looked like Christmas had come early.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked out at the many faces now studying him.

"Sadly, I regret to inform you that because of my negligent actions in regards to your safety and well-being, I have been fired. The Ministry of Magic has already appointed a replacement for me. He's an American wizard by the name of Michael Jackson."

There were cries of despair from the students, but none were as loud as those ones from the children who were familiar with muggle pop culture.

"No!" a girl shrieked. "I don't want to be molested!"

"You don't have to worry," the boy next to her comforted. "You're a girl after all. It's the boys that should be crying."

The Hufflepuff boy who had cursed his loss of innocence brightened slightly. "I guess it's better that Winky stole my innocence."

It was a very very sad day for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The End

Endnote: So, that was it. Please don't judge me too harshly. I was still a kid. If you want to take a stab at it, just let me know in the comments.